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And On The Seventh Day, God Stepped Back And Said And Said, "this Is My Creation, Perfect In Every Way... Oh, Dammit I Left All This Pot All Over The Place. Now They'll Think I Want Them To Smoke It... Now I Have To Create Republicans."

-Bill Hicks

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And On The Seventh

Bill Hicks

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And On The Seventh Day, God Stepped Back And Said And Said, "this Is My Creation, Perfect In Every Way... Oh, Dammit I Left All This Pot All Over The Place. Now They'll Think I Want Them To Smoke It... Now I Have To Create Republicans."

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Pot Is A Better Drug Than Alcohol. I'll Prove It To You. You're At A Ball Game Or A Concert, And Someone's Really Violent And Agressive And Obnoxious, Are They Drunk Or Are They Smoking Pot?

No One Knows What It's Like ... To Be A Dustbin ... In Shaftesbury ... With Hooligans.

I Wouldn't Give Satan A Snowball's Chance In Hell Against A Woman's Ego.

It's Always Funny Until Someone Gets Hurt. Then It's Just Hilarious.

It's Not A War On Drugs, It's A War On Personal Freedom.

Personal Freedom

Let's Do Some Comedy. I Always Like To Add Some Comedy To My Show. Those Who've Seen Me Before Might Know That.

Rock Stars Against Drugs--that's What We Want, Isn't It? Government-approved Rock-n-roll? Woo! We're Partying Now!

Ever Notice That People Who Believe In Creationism Look Really Unevolved? Eyes Real Close Together, Big Furry Hands And Feet. "i Believe God Created Me In One Day." Yeah, Looks Like He Rushed It.

Nicotine Patches Are Great. Stick One Over Each Eye And You Can't Find Your Fags.

Cigarette Smoke

I Believe That There Is An Equality To All Humanity. We All Suck.

Revolutionary Ideas

We Are Losing The 'war On Drugs,' Which Means There's A War Going On And People On Drugs Are Winning It.

....all Drugs Should Be Legal. War Is Wrong. The Rich Get Richer. The Poor Get Poorer. Thank You. I'll Be Here All Week.

Are Gun Rights Advocates Arguing That Roving Gangs...shooting Innocent Bystanders Constitutes A 'well-regulated Militia'?

It's An Insane World, And I'm Proud To Be A Part Of It.

See We Just Had A Misunderstanding. I Thought We Lived In The U.s. Of A., The United States Of America. But Actually We Live In The U.s. Of A., The United States Of Advertising. Freedom Of Expression Is Guaranteed? If You've Got The Money!

Folks, It's Time To Evolve. That's Why We're Troubled. You Know Why Our Institutions Are Failing Us, The Church, The State, Everything's Failing? It's Because, Um - They're No Longer Relevant. We're Supposed To Keep Evolving. Evolution Did Not End With Us Growing Opposable Thumbs. You Do Know That, Right?

Revolutionary Ideas

That's What I Hate About The War On Drugs. All Day Long We See Those Commercials: "here's Your Brain, Here's Your Brain On Drugs", "just Say No", "why Do You Think They Call It Dope?" … And Then The Next Commercial Is [singing] "this Bud's For Yooouuuu." C'mon, Everybody, Let's Be Hypocritical Bastards. It's Okay To Drink Your Drug. We Meant Those Other Drugs. Those Untaxed Drugs. Those Are The Ones That Are Bad For You.

People Are Bringing Shotguns To Ufo Sightings In Fife, Alabama. I Asked A Guy, "why Do You Bring A Gun To A Ufo Sighting?" Guy Said, "way-ul, We Didn' Wanna Be Ab-duc-ted." If I Lived In Fife, Alabama, I Would Be On My Hands And Knees Every Night Praying For Abduction.

I Smoke To Fill The Potholes In My Soul

We'll See Who Believes In Me Now. I Am The Prankster God - I Am Killing Me!

It Is Hard To Quit Smoking. Every One Of Them Looks Real Good To Me Right About Now. Every Cigarette Looks Like It Was Made By God, Rolled By Jesus And Moistened Shut With Claudia Schiffer's Pussy.

Children Are Smarter Than Any Of Us. Know How I Know That? I Don't Know One Child With A Full Time Job And Children.

If Ur Going To Have A War On Drugs, Have Them Against All Drugs, Including Alcohol, The Number One Offender.

You Know We Armed Iraq. I Wondered About That Too, You Know During The Persian Gulf War Those Intelligence Reports Would Come Out: "iraq: Incredible Weapons - Incredible Weapons." How Do You Know That? "uh, Well... We Looked At The Receipts."

You All Saw Him - He Had A Gun.

If You Don't Think Drugs Have Done Good Things For Us, Then Take All Of Your Records, Tapes And Cd's And Burn Them.

The Voice Of Reason Is In Us All...and Everyone Can Recognize It Because It Makes Sense And Everyone Benefits From It Equally.

That's What I'm Gonna Do: Quit Gradually...i'm Gonna Lose One Lung; Little While Later I'm Gonna Lose The Other One.

All Governments Are Lying Cocksuckers.

I Don't Do Drugs Anymore... Than, Say, The Average Touring Funk Band.

And I'm Not Getting Laid! What Am I Doing Wrong?

You Think When Jesus Comes Back, He Really Wants To See A Cross? That's Like Going Up To Jackie Onassis With A Rifle Pendant On.

Man, The Beatles Were So High, They Let Ringo Sing A Coupla Tunes. Tell Me They Weren't Partyin'.

I Was In Australia....lotta Leg Room Down Under. Apartments: Dollar A Month. 2000-acre Den....think Of The Parties.

What Did Moths Bump Into Before The Electric Light Bulb Was Invented? Boy, The Lightbulb Really Screwed The Moth Up Didn't It? Are There Moths On Their Way To The Sun Now Going, It's Gonna Be Worth It!.

Why Do We Put People Who Are On Drugs In Jail? They're Sick, They're Not Criminals. Sick People Don't Get Healed In Prison. You See? It Makes No Sense.

I've Had Good Times On Drugs...bad Times On Drugs...but I've Had Good And Bad Relationships...and I'm Not Giving Up Pussy.

Bad Relationship

I Don't Know What You All Believe, And I Don't Really Care ... But You Have To Admit That Beliefs Are Odd. Lots Of Christians Wear Crosses Around Their Necks ... You Really Think When Jesus Comes Back, He Ever Wants To See A Fucking Cross?

The War On Drugs To Me Is Absolutely Phoney, Its So Obviously Phoney, Ok? It's A War Against Our Civil Rights, That's All It Is. They're Using It To Make Us Afraid To Go Out At Night, Afraid Of Each Other, So That We Lock Ourselves In Our Homes And They Get Suspending Our Rights One By One.

They Tell Us "rock'n'roll Is The Devil's Music." Well, Let's Say We Know That Rock Is The Devil's Music, And We Know That It Is, For Sure ... At Least He F-kin' Jams! If It's A Choice Between Eternal Hell And Good Tunes, And Eternal Heaven And New Kids On The F-kin' Block ... I'm Gonna Be Surfin' On The Lake Of Fire, Rockin' Out.

The Puppet On The Right Shares My Beliefs, The Puppet On The Left Is More To My Liking. Hey...there's One Guy Holding Up Both!

Today A Young Man On Acid Realized That All Matter Is Merely Energy Condensed To A Slow Vibration, That We Are All One Consciousness Experiencing Itself Subjectively, There Is No Such Thing As Death, Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves. Here's Tom With The Weather.

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Marijuana Grows Naturally...don't You Think Making Nature Against The Law Seems A Bit, I Don't Know, Unnatural?

Listen, The Next Revolution Is Gonna Be A Revolution Of Ideas.

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Christianity Has A Built-in Defense System: Anything That Questions A Belief, No Matter How Logical The Argument Is, Is The Work Of Satan By The Very Fact That It Makes You Question A Belief. It's A Very Interesting Defense Mechanism And The Only Way To Get By It -- And Believe Me, I Was Raised Southern Baptist -- Is To Take Massive Amounts Of Mushrooms, Sit In A Field, And Just Go, "show Me.".

Will There Be Titty? Sure. Boom! I'm A Producer. Where You Been All Our Life, Boy? We Been Lookin For You In Hollywood.

Supreme Court Says Pornography Is Anything Without Artistic Merit That Causes Sexual Thoughts, That's Their Definition, Essentially. No Artistic Merit, Causes Sexual Thoughts. Hmm... Sounds Like... Every Commercial On Television, Doesn't It? You Know, When I See Those Two Twins On That Doublemint Commercial? I'm Not Thinking Of Gum. I Am Thinking Of Chewing, So Maybe That's The Connection They're Trying To Make.

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If I Thought The Jews Killed God, I'd Worship The Jews.

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I Was Over In Australia During Easter, Which Was Really Interesting. You Know, They Celebrate Easter The Exact Same Way We Do, Commemorating The Death And Resurrection Of Jesus By Telling Our Children That A Giant Bunny Rabbit Left Chocolate Eggs In The Night. Now I Wonder Why We're F-ked Up As A Race. I've Read The Bible. I Can't Find The Word "bunny" Or "chocolate" Anywhere In The F-king Book.

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Oh--won't We Party Hard When L.a. Goes Kersplash?...l.a. Fell In The Ocean?... There Is A God. He Loves Us All So Much.

Yesterday, Some Hooligans Knocked Over A Dustbin In Shaftesbury.

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People Tell Me, 'bill, Let It Go. The Kennedy Assassination Was Years Ago. It Was Just The Assassination Of A President And The Hijacking Of Our Government By A Totalitarian Regime - Who Cares? Just Let It Go.' I Say, 'all Right Then. That Whole Jesus Thing? Let It Go! It Was 2,000 Years Ago! Who Cares?'

Watching Television Is Like Taking Black Spray Paint To Your Third Eye.

Isn't That Weird, We've Made Nature Against The Law. That's How Un-natural We've Become.

I Love The Pope, I Love Seeing Him In His Pope-mobile, His Three Feet Of Bullet Proof Plexi-glass. That's Faith In Action Folks! You Know He's Got God On His Side.

How Dare You Have Wino Tell Me Not To Do Drugs.

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All Your Beliefs, They're Just That. They're Nothing. They're How You Were Taught And Raised. That Doesn't Make 'em Real.

Eternal Suffering Awaits Anyone Who Questions God's Infinite Love.

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God Has This...hobby. He Creates Perfection. This World Is Not Perfect. We Have To Learn To Separate Illusions From Reality.

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Western Culture

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I...am An Evolved Being Who Deals Solely With The Source Of Light...in All Of Us In Our Own Minds. No Middleman Required.

I Don't Get Along With Anything, I Really Don't...i'm, I'm, Maybe I'm Just A, You Know, Incredibly Tasteful Human Being.

Mushrooms Grow On Cow Turds. I Love That. I Think That's Why You Giggle The First Hour.

Let Me Tell You About Gays In The Military. I Don't Want Any Gay People Hanging Around Me While I'm Killing Kids. I Just Don't Want To See It.

Is It My Business If Somebody Wants To Burn A Flag?...no, It's Not...that's Called Logic And It'll Help Us All Evolve.

Go Back To Bed America, Your Government Is In Control Again. Go Back To Bed America... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You.

I Don't Identify With Anyone Historically, But There Are Several People In The Future Who I Am A Dead Ringer For.

If You Want To Understand A Society, Take A Good Look At The Drugs It Uses. And What Can This Tell You About American Culture? Well, Look At The Drugs We Use. Except For Pharmaceutical Poison, There Are Essentially Only Two Drugs That Western Civilization Tolerates: Caffeine From Monday To Friday To Energize You Enough To Make You A Productive Member Of Society, And Alcohol From Friday To Monday To Keep You Too Stupid To Figure Out The Prison That You Are Living In.

Dinosaur Fossils Were Placed In Rocks By Prankster God Just To Make Human Beings Think The World Is Older Than It Is.

I've Said All That I've Had To Say.

Shut Up! Go Back To Bed, America. Your Government Is In Control. Here's Love Connection. Watch This And Get Fat And Stupid.

I Don't Care If You're Obscene, Filthy, Horrendous -- As Long As You're Honest.

You Ever Notice That Everyone Who Believes In Creationism Looks Really Un-evolved?

Mister, I Don't Want No Trouble. I Just Came Downtown Here To Get Some Hard Rock Candy For My Kids, Some Gingham For My Wife. I Don't Even Know What Gingham Is, But She Goes Through About Ten Rolls A Week Of That Stuff. I Ain't Looking For No Trouble, Mister.

You're Not A Human Till You're In My Phone Book. There. My Hat Is Now In The Political Ring.

I Am A Misanthropic Humanist... Do I Like People? They're Great, In Theory.

That's Starting To Depress Me About Ufos. The Fact That They Cross Galaxies...and Always End Up In Places Like Fyfe, Alabama.

I'd...bet Enthusiasm For 'ethnic Cleansing' Will Wane If Only Sticks And Rocks Are Available For The Warring Parties.

If You're So Pro-life, Do Me A Favour: Don't Lock Arms And Block Medical Clinics. If You're So Pro-life, Lock Arms And Block Cemeteries.

Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One. Here's What We Can Do To Change The World, Right Now, To A Better Ride. Take All That Money We Spend On Weapons And Defenses Each Year And Instead Spend It Feeding And Clothing And Educating The Poor Of The World, Which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, And We Could Explore Space, Together, Both Inner And Outer, Forever, In Peace.

I'm Totally Confused About What I'm Going To Do With My Life.

I Wish I Could Meet A Christian Who Would Proselytize To Me, But They Keep Running Away From Me. I Wanna Talk To You All.

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assasination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It. I Think That's Interesting In What Is Ostensibly A Democracy. Sarcasm - Come On In. People Say Bill, Quit Talking About Kennedy Man. It Was A Long Time Ago, Just Let It Go, Alright? It's A Long Time Ago, Just Forget It. I'm Like, Alright, Then Don't Bring Up Jesus To Me. As Long As We're Talking Shelf Life Here.

You Ever Noticed How People Who Believe In Creationism Look Really Un-evolved? You Ever Noticed That? Eyes Real Close Together, Eyebrow Ridges, Big Furry Hands And Feet. "i Believe God Created Me In One Day". Yeah, Looks Like He Rushed It

What's Gonna Happen To The Arms Industry When We Realize We're All One. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! It's Gonna Fuck Up The Economy! The Economy That's Fake Anyway! Ha Ha Ha! Which Would Be A Real Bummer. You Know. You Can See Why The Government's Cracking Down... On The Idea Of Experiencing Unconditional Love, Ah.

Would You Let The Aliens Land, Please? They Might Be Here To Pick Me Up.

I Need My Sleep. I Need About Eight Hours A Day, And About Ten At Night.

I'll Tell You How To Solve This Abortion Thing...those Unwanted Babies...? Leave About 12 Of Them On The Supreme Court Steps.

Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.

What Do You Say We Lighten Things Up And Talk About Abortion?

Just One Thing I Know For Sure, Chicks Dig Jerks.

Women Priests. Great, Great. Now There's Priests Of Both Sexes I Don't Listen To.

People Are Bringing Shotguns To Ufo Sightings...brings A Whole New Meaning To That Phrase 'you Ain't From Around Here, Ar'ya?'

Humanity Is Just A Virus With Shoes.

Truly, The Only Stupid People I've Ever Met, The Most Absolutely Clueless, Are The Very People That Produce Television.

We Are One With God And He Loves Us. Now If That Isn't A Hazard To This Country-how're We Gonna Keep Building Nuclear Weapons?

The Role Of The Comedian Is To Say 'wait A Minute' When A Consensus Starts To Form.

Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves.

Revolutionary Ideas

England, Where No One Has Guns: 14 Deaths. United States...23,000 Deaths From Handguns. But - There's No Connection.

Billy Ray Cyrus Does Not Smoke. Michael Bolton Doesn't...paula Abdul Doesn't...there Does Seem To Be A Pattern.

What Are You Reading For?

Sixteen Years I've Pounded My Head Against The Mentality Of America, Which...i'd Say It's About An 8th Grade Emotional Level.

I Find It Ironic That People Who Are Against Things That Cause Sexual Thoughts Are Generally Fundamentalist Christians Who Also Believe You Should Be Fruitful And Multiply.

I Think It's Interesting How People Act On Their Beliefs. A Lot Of Christians, For Instance, Wear Crosses Around Their Necks. Nice Sentiment, But Do You Think When Jesus Comes Back, He's Really Going To Want To Look At A Cross?

People Always Snap And Think They're Jesus. How Come No One Ever Snaps And Thinks They're Buddha?

I Was A Weekend Drinker...i'd Start On Saturday, End On Friday...thought I Was Controlling It...but I Don't Drink Any More.

I'm Tired Of This Back-slappin' "isn't Humanity Neat" Bullshit. We're A Virus With Shoes.

I'll Smoke, I'll Cough, I'll Get The Tumors, I'll Die, Deal? Thank You America. [salutes]

I Used To Drink, I Did, I Had To Quit. Man, I Was An Embarrassing Drunk. I'd Get Pulled Over By The Cops, I'd Be So Drunk I'd Be Out Dancing To Their Lights Thinking I'd Made It To Another Club.

In The Beginning God Created The Heavans And The Earth... See You At The Final.

I Began Working Quite Young, Writing, Growing, Maturing, Always Striving To Top Myself - To Make People Laugh Hard At Things They Know And Believe Deep In Their Hearts To Be True.

People Often Ask Me Where I Stand Politically. It's Not That I Disagree With Bush's Economic Policy Or His Foreign Policy, It's That I Believe He Was A Child Of Satan Sent Here To Destroy The Planet Earth. Little To The Left.

I've Had Seven Balls Of Light Come Off A Ufo...explain To Me Telepathically We Are All One And There's No Such Thing As Death.

To Make Marijuana Against The Law Is Like Saying God Made A Big Mistake.

The World's Like A Ride In A Fairground & When You Choose To Go On It You Think It's Real, That's How Powerful Our Minds Are

I'm Sorry If Any Of You Are Catholic. I'm Not Sorry If You're Offended, I'm Actually Just Sorry By The Fact That You're Catholic.

That's Why I Always Recommend A Psychedelic Experience Because It Makes You Realize That All You've Learned Is In Fact Just Learned And Not Necessarily The Truth.

I Saw...a Kid On A Leash. You Seen These People? Kid On A Leash? How Horrible. Put Him In The Pound Where He Belongs.

I Was Just Down In Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's Really Accurate, You Know, 'cause Oswald's Not In It.

While I've Found Many Of The Religious Shows I've Viewed Over The Years Not To Be To My Liking, Or In Line With My Own Beliefs, I've Never Considered It My Place To Exert Any Greater Type Of Censorship Than Changing The Channel, Or Better Yet - Turning Off The Tv Completely.

Freedom Of Speech

Oh Sorry, I Was Taking Life Seriously.

People Say To Me, Hey, Bill, The War Made Us Feel Better About Ourselves. Really? What Kind Of People Are These With Such Low Self-esteem That They Need A War To Feel Better About Themselves? May I Suggest, Instead Of A War To Feel Better About Yourself, Perhaps... Sit-ups? Maybe A Fruit Cup? Eight Glasses Of Water A Day?

I Was Always 'awake'...some Part Of Me Clamoring For New Insights And New Ways To Make The World A Better Place.

Your Denial Is Beneath You, And Thanks To The Use Of Hallucinogenic Drugs, I See Through You.

What Does An Atheist Scream When They Come?

[comedy] Is An Escape From Illusions. The Audience Is...thinking, 'this Bullshit We See And Hear All Day Makes No Sense.'

Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One.

I Was Told When I Grew Up I Could Be Anything I Wanted: A Fireman, A Policeman, A Doctor - Even President, It Seemed. And For The First Time In The History Of Mankind, Something New, Called An Astronaut. But Like So Many Kids Brought Up On A Steady Diet Of Westerns, I Always Wanted To Be The Avenging Cowboy Hero - That Lone Voice In The Wilderness, Fighting Corruption And Evil Wherever I Found It, And Standing For Freedom, Truth And Justice. And In My Heart Of Hearts I Still Track The Remnants Of That Dream Wherever I Go, In My Endless Ride Into The Setting Sun.

Childbirth Is No More A Miracle Then Eating Food And A Turd Coming Out Of Your Ass.

I Don't Like Anything In The Mainstream And They Don't Like Me.

Revolutionary Ideas

I Believe It Is Our Own Misperceptions Of Who We Really Are That Leads To Every Self-created Hell You'll Find In This World.

I Get A Kick Out Of Being An Outsider Constantly. It Allows Me To Be Creative.

Revolutionary Ideas

I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution. Ok, Not The Most Popular Idea Ever Expressed. Either That Or You're All Real High And Agreeing With Me In The Only Way You Can Right Now. (starts Blinking)

I Loved When Bush Came Out And Said, 'we Are Losing The War Against Drugs.' You Know What That Implies? There's A War Being Fought, And The People On Drugs Are Winning It.

When You're...stepping Over A Guy On The Sidewalk...does It Ever Occur To You To Think, 'wow. Maybe Our System Doesn't Work?'

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assassination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It.

I'm An American Who Loves An America Which Doesn't Exist, Which Is A Land Of Freedom And Free Ideas.

The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love, Instead, See All Of Us As One.

I've Been On What I Call My Ufo Tour, Which Means, Like Ufos, I Too Have Been Appearing In Small Southern Towns In Front Of A Handful Of Hillbillies Lately.

It's Hard To Have A Relationship In This Business...it's Gonna Take A Very Special Woman...or A Bunch Of Average Ones.

And On The Seventh Day, God Stepped Back And Said And Said, "this Is My Creation, Perfect In Every Way... Oh, Dammit I Left All This Pot All Over The Place. Now They'll Think I Want Them To Smoke It... Now I Have To Create Republicans."

Is It Impossible To Imagine Americans Sneaking Into Mexico En Masse, Seeking Regular Employment And A Better Way Of Life?

Keith Richards Outlived Jim Fixx, The Runner And Health-nut Dude. The Plot Thickens.

I Believe We All Have The Voice Of Reason Inside Us...to Gently Lead Us Out Of Our Own Self-created Hells.

How Come People Always Flip And Think They're Jesus? Why Not Buddha? Particularly In America, Where More People Resemble Buddha Than Jesus. 'ah'm Buddha!' 'you're Bubba!' 'ah'm Buddha Now..all I Gotta Do Is Change 3 Letters On Ma Belt.

Okay, I Got One Word To Ask You, A One Word Question, Ready?

Any Organization Created Out Of Fear Must Create Fear To Survive.

It's My Object To Be Stared At Like A Dog That's Just Been Shown A Card Trick.

Pornography Is Any Act That Has No Artistic Merit And Causes Sexual Thoughts...sounds Like Almost Every Commercial On Tv To Me.

I Got This Big Fear Of Doing Smoking Jokes In My Act And Showing Up Five Years From Now Goin' [puts Mic To His Neck And Speaks As If He Had A Mechanical Larynx] 'good Evening Everybody, Remember Me, Smoking's Bad. [puts Cigarette To Neck And Mimics Smoking It] Eeww. You Ever Seen Somebody Do That? I've Seen Someone Do That. Let Me Tell You Something — If You're Smoking Out Of A Hole In Your Neck [mimics It Again] I'd Think About Quitting. And That's Just Me, Ya Know.

People In The United Kingdom And Outside The United States Share My Bemusement With The United States That America Doesn't Share With Itself.

In Australia...they Celebrate Easter The Same...by Telling Our Children A Giant Bunny Rabbit...left Chocolate Eggs In The Night

I Just Have One Of Those Faces. People Come Up To Me And Say, 'what's Wrong?' Nothing. 'well, It Takes More Energy To Frown Than It Does To Smile.' Yeah, You Know It Takes More Energy To Point That Out Than It Does To Leave Me Alone?

It's All About Money, Not Freedom. If You Think You're Free, Try Going Somewhere Without Money, Okay?

I'm A Heavy Smoker. I Go Through Two Lighters A Day.

I Never Got Along With My Dad. Kids Used To Come Up To Me And Say, 'my Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad.' I'd Say 'yeah? When?'

It's Really Weird How Your Life Changes. Tonight I'm Drinking Water. Four Years Ago? Opium. Night And Day, You Know?

Why Is Marijuana Against The Law? It Grows Naturally On Our Planet, Serves A Thousand Different Functions, All Of Them Positive. To Make Marijuana Against The Law Is Like Saying That God Made A Mistake.

Well We Looked At All The People In The Bible And We Added 'em Up All The Way Back To Adam And Eve, Their Ages: 12,000 Years.

I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution.

Why Is Pot Against The Law? It Wouldn't Be Because Anyone Can Grow It, And Therefore You Can't Make A Profit Off It, Would It?

This Is Where We Are At Right Now, As A Whole. No One Is Left Out Of The Loop. We Are Experiencing A Reality Based On A Thin Veneer Of Lies And Illusions. A World Where Greed Is Our God And Wisdom Is Sin, Where Division Is Key And Unity Is Fantasy, Where The Ego-driven Cleverness Of The Mind Is Praised, Rather Than The Intelligence Of The Heart.

So, It's Good To Be Here, Wherever I Am.

Marijuana: A Drug That Kills … No One – And Let's Put It In A Time Frame – Ever. Illegal.

I Was In A Cab In New York. The Cab Had A Sign, "please Do Not Smoke, Christ Is Our Unseen Guest." This Guy Was Reaching. I Figure, If He Could Overcome Being Nailed To A Cross, I Don't Think A Marlboro Light's Gonna Faze Him That Much.

I'm Just Trying To Rid The World Of All These Fevered Egos That Are Tainting Our Collective Unconscious.

Collective Unconscious

I've Learned A Lot About Women. I Think I've Learned Exactly How The Fall Of Man Occured In The Garden Of Eden. Adam And Eve Were In The Garden Of Eden, And Adam Said One Day, Wow, Eve, Here We Are, At One With Nature, At One With God, We'll Never Age, We'll Never Die, And All Our Dreams Come True The Instant That We Have Them. And Eve Said, Yeah... It's Just Not Enough Is It?

I Believe The Cost Of Life Is Death And We Will All Pay That In Full. Everything Else Should Be A Gift.

Speaking Of Satan, I Was Watching Rush Limbaugh The Other Day.

What Kind Of People Are These With Such Low Self-esteem That They Need A War To Feel Better About Themselves?

Mummy, I Woke Today And There Was A Lincoln Log In Me Sock Drawer! ... That's The Story Of Jesus.

We Really Are All One....this Is The Very Philosophy That Has Kept Me Virtually Anonymous In America For Fifteen Years.

I Do Not Believe Making Money In Order To Consume Goods Is Mankind’s Sole Purpose On This Planet. If You’re Wondering What I Believe Our Purpose On This Planet Is, I’ll Give You A Hint... It Has To Do With Creating And Sharing.

My Voice Was Not Heard, The Questions Were Not Asked That I Wanted To See Asked.

It Seems To Me That There Will Be A Point In Out Development Or Our Evolution Where You Put Your Guns Aside.

I Have Something To Tell You Non-smokers That I Know For A Fact That You Don't Know, And I Feel It's My Duty To Pass On Information At All Times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers Die Every Day . . . Enjoy Your Evening. See, I Know That You Entertain This Eternal Life Fantasy Because You've Chosen Not To Smoke, But Let Me Be The 1st To Pop That Bubble And Bring You Hurling Back To Reality . . . You're Dead Too.

And If I Can Take Part In It By Transforming My Own Consciousness, Then Someone Else's, I'm Happy To Do It.

On The Theft Of His Material By Denis Leary: "i Have A Scoop For You. I Stole His Act. I Camouflaged It With Punchlines, And To Really Throw People Off, I Did It Before He Did."

I'm Glad Mushrooms Are Against The Law, Because I Took Them One Time, And You Know What Happened To Me? I Laid In A Field Of Green Grass For Four Hours Going, "my God! I Love Everything." Yeah, Now If That Isn't A Hazard To Our Country... How Are We Gonna Justify Arms Dealing When We Realize That We're All One?

Not All Drugs Are Good.. Some Of Them Are Great

...love Rather Than Fear...this Radical Philosophy Is Coming From Me, An Avowed Misanthrope...surely There Is Hope For Us All.

As Long As One Person Lives In Darkness Then It Seems To Be A Responsibility To Tell Other People.

I Guess What Surprised Me The Most Was The Discrepancy In Casualties: Iraq, One Hundred Fifty Thousand Casualties, Usa: Seventy-nine! Let's Go Over Those Numbers Again, They're A Little Baffling At First: Iraq: 150,000, Usa: 79. Does That Mean We Could Have Won With Only 80 Guys There? Just One Guy In A Ticker-tape Parade, "i Did It! Hey!"

All Day Long You See Those Commercials: 'here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and The Next Commercial Is: 'this Bud's For You.'

I'm Very Tired Of Staring Out Into Your Vacant Faces Looking Back At Me. Wanting To Fill Your Empty Lives With Humor You Couldn't Possibly Think Of Yourself... Good Evening!

I Am Available For Children's Parties, By The Way.

Rock Stars Hawking Diet Cokes--are Demons Set Loose On The Earth To Lower The Standards For The Perfect & Holy Children Of God!

I Love Talking About Kennedy Assassination...a Great Archetypal Example Of How Totalitarian Government...sorry, Wrong Meeting.

How Many People Disapprove Of The Job The Conservatives Are Doing? Seventy Percent. Of Those Same People, How Many Will Vote For Them Again? ...seventy Percent. What The Fuck? Where Did They Take This Poll, At An S&m Parlor?

Be Yourself On Stage. Nobody Else Can Be You And You Have The Law Of Supply And Demand Covered.

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Francois De La Rochefoucauld

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