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Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One. Here's What We Can Do To Change The World, Right Now, To A Better Ride. Take All That Money We Spend On Weapons And Defenses Each Year And Instead Spend It Feeding And Clothing And Educating The Poor Of The World, Which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, And We Could Explore Space, Together, Both Inner And Outer, Forever, In Peace.

-Bill Hicks

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Just A Simple Choice,

Bill Hicks

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Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One. Here's What We Can Do To Change The World, Right Now, To A Better Ride. Take All That Money We Spend On Weapons And Defenses Each Year And Instead Spend It Feeding And Clothing And Educating The Poor Of The World, Which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, And We Could Explore Space, Together, Both Inner And Outer, Forever, In Peace.

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Not All Drugs Are Good.. Some Of Them Are Great

Mummy, I Woke Today And There Was A Lincoln Log In Me Sock Drawer! ... That's The Story Of Jesus.

I Believe That The Bible Is The Literal Word Of God. And I Say No, It's Not, Dad. Well, I Believe That It Is. Well, You Know, Some People Believe They're Napoleon. That's Fine. Beliefs Are Neat. Cherish Them, But Don't Share Them Like They're The Truth.

Why Do We Put People Who Are On Drugs In Jail? They're Sick, They're Not Criminals. Sick People Don't Get Healed In Prison. You See? It Makes No Sense.

Marijuana Grows Naturally...don't You Think Making Nature Against The Law Seems A Bit, I Don't Know, Unnatural?

What Does An Atheist Scream When They Come?

They Believe The Bible Is The Exact Word Of God - Then They Change The Bible! Pretty Presumptuous, Hu Huh? "i Think What God Meant To Say..."

Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One.

I Do Not Believe Making Money In Order To Consume Goods Is Mankind's Sole Purpose On This Planet.

"smoking May Cause Fetal Injury Or Premature Birth." ... I Found My Brand. Just Don't Get The Ones That Say, "lung Cancer."

Don't Worry; Don't Be Afraid, Ever, Because This Is Just A Ride.

Revolutionary Ideas

I Don't Like Anything In The Mainstream And They Don't Like Me.

Revolutionary Ideas

I Was Just Down In Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's Really Accurate, You Know, 'cause Oswald's Not In It.

A Lotta Christians Wear Crosses 'round Their Necks; Do You Think If Jesus Comes Back He Ever Wants To See Another Cross?

I Wish I Could Meet A Christian Who Would Proselytize To Me, But They Keep Running Away From Me. I Wanna Talk To You All.

Yesterday, Some Hooligans Knocked Over A Dustbin In Shaftesbury.

If You're So Pro-life, Do Me A Favour: Don't Lock Arms And Block Medical Clinics. If You're So Pro-life, Lock Arms And Block Cemeteries.

Writing, Acting, Music, Comedy. A Deep Love Of Literature And Books. Thank God For All The Artists Who've Helped Me.

I'm Glad Mushrooms Are Against The Law, Because I Took Them One Time, And You Know What Happened To Me? I Laid In A Field Of Green Grass For Four Hours Going, "my God! I Love Everything." Yeah, Now If That Isn't A Hazard To Our Country... How Are We Gonna Justify Arms Dealing When We Realize That We're All One?

...i Just Want To Be Free Of The Fears And Anxieties And The Superstitions Of Religion. An 'avenging God'? One Who Created Hell For Those Who Don't Believe? I Thought We Were The Perfect And Holy Children Of God? How Could Any Limits Possibly Be Put Upon Us? Hell.. Really? I'm Sorry, But... No. Wrong. You're Wrong. That's An Insane God And Therefore Not Mine. Because, See, God Would Be Very Sane, Don't You Get It?

The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love, Instead, See All Of Us As One.

We Are One With God And He Loves Us. Now If That Isn't A Hazard To This Country-how're We Gonna Keep Building Nuclear Weapons?

It Seems To Me That There Will Be A Point In Out Development Or Our Evolution Where You Put Your Guns Aside.

Today A Young Man On Acid Realized That All Matter Is Merely Energy Condensed To A Slow Vibration, That We Are All One Consciousness Experiencing Itself Subjectively, There Is No Such Thing As Death, Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves. Here's Tom With The Weather.

See We Just Had A Misunderstanding. I Thought We Lived In The U.s. Of A., The United States Of America. But Actually We Live In The U.s. Of A., The United States Of Advertising. Freedom Of Expression Is Guaranteed? If You've Got The Money!

I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution. Ok, Not The Most Popular Idea Ever Expressed. Either That Or You're All Real High And Agreeing With Me In The Only Way You Can Right Now. (starts Blinking)

I Saw...a Kid On A Leash. You Seen These People? Kid On A Leash? How Horrible. Put Him In The Pound Where He Belongs.

God Has This...hobby. He Creates Perfection. This World Is Not Perfect. We Have To Learn To Separate Illusions From Reality.

What Kind Of People Are These With Such Low Self-esteem That They Need A War To Feel Better About Themselves?

Why Is Pot Against The Law? It Wouldn't Be Because Anyone Can Grow It, And Therefore You Can't Make A Profit Off It, Would It?

It's You People Dying From Nothing That Are Screwed. I Got All Sorts Of Neat Gadgets Waiting For Me...oxygen Tent, Iron Lung.

Truly, The Only Stupid People I've Ever Met, The Most Absolutely Clueless, Are The Very People That Produce Television.

And If I Can Take Part In It By Transforming My Own Consciousness, Then Someone Else's, I'm Happy To Do It.

Laughter Makes The Bitter Swallowing Of Truth, For Some, A Little Easier.

Will There Be Titty? Sure. Boom! I'm A Producer. Where You Been All Our Life, Boy? We Been Lookin For You In Hollywood.

I Was A Weekend Drinker...i'd Start On Saturday, End On Friday...thought I Was Controlling It...but I Don't Drink Any More.

I Love Talking About Kennedy Assassination...a Great Archetypal Example Of How Totalitarian Government...sorry, Wrong Meeting.

On The Theft Of His Material By Denis Leary: "i Have A Scoop For You. I Stole His Act. I Camouflaged It With Punchlines, And To Really Throw People Off, I Did It Before He Did."

I Was In Australia....lotta Leg Room Down Under. Apartments: Dollar A Month. 2000-acre Den....think Of The Parties.

I Can't Watch Tv Longer Than Five Minutes Without Praying For Nuclear Holocaust.

Revolutionary Ideas

Is It Impossible To Imagine Americans Sneaking Into Mexico En Masse, Seeking Regular Employment And A Better Way Of Life?

Marijuana: A Drug That Kills … No One – And Let's Put It In A Time Frame – Ever. Illegal.

The War On Drugs To Me Is Absolutely Phoney, Its So Obviously Phoney, Ok? It's A War Against Our Civil Rights, That's All It Is. They're Using It To Make Us Afraid To Go Out At Night, Afraid Of Each Other, So That We Lock Ourselves In Our Homes And They Get Suspending Our Rights One By One.

People Tell Me, 'bill, Let It Go. The Kennedy Assassination Was Years Ago. It Was Just The Assassination Of A President And The Hijacking Of Our Government By A Totalitarian Regime - Who Cares? Just Let It Go.' I Say, 'all Right Then. That Whole Jesus Thing? Let It Go! It Was 2,000 Years Ago! Who Cares?'

I Can Speak For Every Guy In This Room Here Tonight. Guys, If You Could Blow Yourselves, Ladies, You'd Be In This Room Alone Right Now. Watching An Empty Stage.

I Can't Believe A War Against Drugs When They Have Anti-drug Commercials On Tv All Day Long Followed By This Bud Is For You.

Nicotine Patches Are Great. Stick One Over Each Eye And You Can't Find Your Fags.

Cigarette Smoke

I've Been On What I Call My Ufo Tour, Which Means, Like Ufos, I Too Have Been Appearing In Small Southern Towns In Front Of A Handful Of Hillbillies Lately.

You Know All The Money We Spend On Nuclear Weapons And Defence Every Year? Trillions Of Dollars? Correct? Trillions. Instead, If We Spent That Money Feeding And Clothing The Poor Of The World,which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, Not One, We Could, As One Race, Explore Outer Space Together In Peace Forever

Let Me Tell You About Gays In The Military. I Don't Want Any Gay People Hanging Around Me While I'm Killing Kids. I Just Don't Want To See It.

It's My Object To Be Stared At Like A Dog That's Just Been Shown A Card Trick.

So, It's Good To Be Here, Wherever I Am.

So Scary Watching The News...like Iraq...could Ever Under Any Stretch Of The Imagination Be Any Threat To Us Whatsoever.

You Want A Better World...? Legalize Pot Right Now. ...end The Deficit? Legalize Pot Right Now...biggest Cash Crop In America.

The American Dream Is A Crock. Stop Wanting Everything. Everyone Should Wear Jeans And Have Three T-shirts, Eat Rice And Beans.

Man, The Beatles Were So High, They Let Ringo Sing A Coupla Tunes. Tell Me They Weren't Partyin'.

I Need My Sleep. I Need About Eight Hours A Day, And About Ten At Night.

Sixteen Years I've Pounded My Head Against The Mentality Of America, Which...i'd Say It's About An 8th Grade Emotional Level.

All Day Long You See Those Commercials: 'here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and The Next Commercial Is: 'this Bud's For You.'

Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves.

Revolutionary Ideas

The Voice Of Reason Is In Us All...and Everyone Can Recognize It Because It Makes Sense And Everyone Benefits From It Equally.

Oh Sorry, I Was Taking Life Seriously.

How Many Of Y'all Wondered, Like I Did, During The La Riots When Those People Were Being Pulled Out Of Their Trucks And Beaten Half To Death - Step On The F***ing Gas, Man! They're On Foot, You're In A Truck - I Think I See A Way Out Of This.

Oh--won't We Party Hard When L.a. Goes Kersplash?...l.a. Fell In The Ocean?... There Is A God. He Loves Us All So Much.

Any Organization Created Out Of Fear Must Create Fear To Survive.

I Don't Identify With Anyone Historically, But There Are Several People In The Future Who I Am A Dead Ringer For.

I Ascribe To Mark Twain's Theory That The Last Person Who Should Be President Is The One Who Wants It The Most. The One Who Should Be Picked Is The One Who Should Be Dragged Kicking And Screaming Into The White House.

Revolutionary Ideas

All Your Beliefs, They're Just That. They're Nothing. They're How You Were Taught And Raised. That Doesn't Make 'em Real.

Okay, I Got One Word To Ask You, A One Word Question, Ready?

Rock Stars Hawking Diet Cokes--are Demons Set Loose On The Earth To Lower The Standards For The Perfect & Holy Children Of God!

Is It My Business If Somebody Wants To Burn A Flag?...no, It's Not...that's Called Logic And It'll Help Us All Evolve.

It's Not That I Disagreed With Bush's Economic Policy... I Believed He Was A Child Of Satan Here To Destroy The Planet.

I Hate Patriotism... I Can't Stand It. It's A Round World Last Time I Checked.

I Was In A Cab In New York. The Cab Had A Sign, "please Do Not Smoke, Christ Is Our Unseen Guest." This Guy Was Reaching. I Figure, If He Could Overcome Being Nailed To A Cross, I Don't Think A Marlboro Light's Gonna Faze Him That Much.

Humanity Is Just A Virus With Shoes.

I'm Very Tired Of Staring Out Into Your Vacant Faces Looking Back At Me. Wanting To Fill Your Empty Lives With Humor You Couldn't Possibly Think Of Yourself... Good Evening!

We Are The Facilitators Of Our Own Creative Evolution.

I Find It Ironic That People Who Are Against Things That Cause Sexual Thoughts Are Generally Fundamentalist Christians Who Also Believe You Should Be Fruitful And Multiply.

I Smoke. If This Bothers Anyone, I Suggest You Look Around At The World In Which We Live And Shut Your F-kin' Mouth.

Nonsmokers--this Is For You And You Only. Ready? Nonsmokers Die Every Day. Sleep Tight.

I'd...bet Enthusiasm For 'ethnic Cleansing' Will Wane If Only Sticks And Rocks Are Available For The Warring Parties.

It's All About Money, Not Freedom. If You Think You're Free, Try Going Somewhere Without Money, Okay?

I, Like All Artists In Western Cultures, Am A Shaman...come In The Guise Of A Comic...to Heal Perception By Using...'jokes'.

Western Culture

I'm Sorry If Any Of You Are Catholic. I'm Not Sorry If You're Offended, I'm Actually Just Sorry By The Fact That You're Catholic.

Do I Have A Message? Yes, I Do. Here's My Message: As Scary As The World Is – And It Is – It Is Merely A Ride ...

It Has Become More And More Obvious That There Is One Political Party In America, And That Is The Business Party.

I...am An Evolved Being Who Deals Solely With The Source Of Light...in All Of Us In Our Own Minds. No Middleman Required.

Dinosaur Fossils Were Placed In Rocks By Prankster God Just To Make Human Beings Think The World Is Older Than It Is.

If Ur Going To Have A War On Drugs, Have Them Against All Drugs, Including Alcohol, The Number One Offender.

I'm An American Who Loves An America Which Doesn't Exist, Which Is A Land Of Freedom And Free Ideas.

No One Knows What It's Like ... To Be A Dustbin ... In Shaftesbury ... With Hooligans.

'where's Bill Going?' He's Going To Comedy Death. Boom! He Pops Out Of It With Another Joke. It's My Particular Style.

My Voice Was Not Heard, The Questions Were Not Asked That I Wanted To See Asked.

I'm Totally Confused About What I'm Going To Do With My Life.

It's Not A War On Drugs, It's A War On Personal Freedom.

Personal Freedom

The Definition Of Black Irony Is Pro-lifers Killing Doctors Who Do Abortions

What Do You Say We Lighten Things Up And Talk About Abortion?

I Don't Mean To Sound Bitter, Cold, Or Cruel, But I Am, So That's How It Comes Out.

Sometimes You Feel In Control, And It's Great, But Sometimes You Just Don't Feel In Control And You Really Have To Struggle To Get Laughs.

Childbirth Is No More A Miracle Then Eating Food And A Turd Coming Out Of Your Ass.

It's An Insane World, And I'm Proud To Be A Part Of It.

I Guess What Surprised Me The Most Was The Discrepancy In Casualties: Iraq, One Hundred Fifty Thousand Casualties, Usa: Seventy-nine! Let's Go Over Those Numbers Again, They're A Little Baffling At First: Iraq: 150,000, Usa: 79. Does That Mean We Could Have Won With Only 80 Guys There? Just One Guy In A Ticker-tape Parade, "i Did It! Hey!"

No One Can Give You Any Answers. There Aren't Any. You Have To Discover For Yourself-you Must Learn To Navigate The Mystery.

While I've Found Many Of The Religious Shows I've Viewed Over The Years Not To Be To My Liking, Or In Line With My Own Beliefs, I've Never Considered It My Place To Exert Any Greater Type Of Censorship Than Changing The Channel, Or Better Yet - Turning Off The Tv Completely.

Freedom Of Speech

Supreme Court Says Pornography Is Anything Without Artistic Merit That Causes Sexual Thoughts, That's Their Definition, Essentially. No Artistic Merit, Causes Sexual Thoughts. Hmm... Sounds Like... Every Commercial On Television, Doesn't It? You Know, When I See Those Two Twins On That Doublemint Commercial? I'm Not Thinking Of Gum. I Am Thinking Of Chewing, So Maybe That's The Connection They're Trying To Make.

Let's Do Some Comedy. I Always Like To Add Some Comedy To My Show. Those Who've Seen Me Before Might Know That.

People Always Snap And Think They're Jesus. How Come No One Ever Snaps And Thinks They're Buddha?

Just One Thing I Know For Sure, Chicks Dig Jerks.

We Are Losing The 'war On Drugs,' Which Means There's A War Going On And People On Drugs Are Winning It.

The World Is Like A Ride In An Amusement Park. And When You Choose To Go On It You Think It's Real Because That's How Powerful Our Minds Are. And The Ride Goes Up And Down And Round And Round. It Has Thrills And Chills And It's Very Brightly Coloured And It's Very Loud And It's Fun, For A While. Some People Have Been On The Ride For A Long Time And They Begin To Question: "is This Real, Or Is This Just A Ride?" And Other People Have Remembered, And They Come Back To Us, They Say, "hey, Don't Worry, Don't Be Afraid, Ever, Because This Is Just A Ride." And We Kill Those People.

Go Back To Bed America, Your Government Is In Control Again. Go Back To Bed America... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You.

I Don't Know What You All Believe, And I Don't Really Care ... But You Have To Admit That Beliefs Are Odd. Lots Of Christians Wear Crosses Around Their Necks ... You Really Think When Jesus Comes Back, He Ever Wants To See A Fucking Cross?

I Was Told When I Grew Up I Could Be Anything I Wanted: A Fireman, A Policeman, A Doctor - Even President, It Seemed. And For The First Time In The History Of Mankind, Something New, Called An Astronaut. But Like So Many Kids Brought Up On A Steady Diet Of Westerns, I Always Wanted To Be The Avenging Cowboy Hero - That Lone Voice In The Wilderness, Fighting Corruption And Evil Wherever I Found It, And Standing For Freedom, Truth And Justice. And In My Heart Of Hearts I Still Track The Remnants Of That Dream Wherever I Go, In My Endless Ride Into The Setting Sun.

Pot Is A Better Drug Than Alcohol. I'll Prove It To You. You're At A Ball Game Or A Concert, And Someone's Really Violent And Agressive And Obnoxious, Are They Drunk Or Are They Smoking Pot?

Billy Ray Cyrus Does Not Smoke. Michael Bolton Doesn't...paula Abdul Doesn't...there Does Seem To Be A Pattern.

Be Yourself On Stage. Nobody Else Can Be You And You Have The Law Of Supply And Demand Covered.

You Know What I Hate About Working? Bosses...the Very Idea That Anyone Could Be My Boss, Well...i Think You See The Conflict.

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

Surgeon General's Warning Ought To Read: Smoking Has Been Determined T0 Cause Cancer, Heart Disease & Rednecks With Seniority.

I Used To Love To Call L.a. When I Lived In New York... Is That The Big One I Hear In The Background? Bye, You Lizard Scum! Bye!

To Me Pornography Is...spending All Your Money And Not Educating The People In America, But Spending It Instead On Weapons.

Pornography Is Any Act That Has No Artistic Merit And Causes Sexual Thoughts...sounds Like Almost Every Commercial On Tv To Me.

I Believe We All Have The Voice Of Reason Inside Us...to Gently Lead Us Out Of Our Own Self-created Hells.

The Cia Has A Plot...they've Used Before To Get Rid Of World Leaders. Only Problem...is Convincing Hussein...to Fly To Dallas.

They Tell Us "rock'n'roll Is The Devil's Music." Well, Let's Say We Know That Rock Is The Devil's Music, And We Know That It Is, For Sure ... At Least He F-kin' Jams! If It's A Choice Between Eternal Hell And Good Tunes, And Eternal Heaven And New Kids On The F-kin' Block ... I'm Gonna Be Surfin' On The Lake Of Fire, Rockin' Out.

I'm A Heavy Smoker. I Go Through Two Lighters A Day.

When Two Or More People Agree On An Issue, I Form On The Other Side.

Isn't That Weird, We've Made Nature Against The Law. That's How Un-natural We've Become.

Music Is A Great Energizer. It's A Language Everybody Knows.

The Whole Image Is That Eternal Suffering Awaits Anyone Who Questions God's Infinite Love. That's The Message We're Brought Up With, Isn't It? Believe Or Die! Thank You, Forgiving Lord, For All Those Options.

Revolutionary Ideas

I Don't Get Along With Anything, I Really Don't...i'm, I'm, Maybe I'm Just A, You Know, Incredibly Tasteful Human Being.

....all Drugs Should Be Legal. War Is Wrong. The Rich Get Richer. The Poor Get Poorer. Thank You. I'll Be Here All Week.

You Know We Armed Iraq. I Wondered About That Too, You Know During The Persian Gulf War Those Intelligence Reports Would Come Out: "iraq: Incredible Weapons - Incredible Weapons." How Do You Know That? "uh, Well... We Looked At The Receipts."

All Governments Are Lying Cocksuckers.

What's Gonna Happen To The Arms Industry When We Realize We're All One. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! It's Gonna Fuck Up The Economy! The Economy That's Fake Anyway! Ha Ha Ha! Which Would Be A Real Bummer. You Know. You Can See Why The Government's Cracking Down... On The Idea Of Experiencing Unconditional Love, Ah.

You All Saw Him - He Had A Gun.

I Have Something To Tell You Non-smokers That I Know For A Fact That You Don't Know, And I Feel It's My Duty To Pass On Information At All Times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers Die Every Day . . . Enjoy Your Evening. See, I Know That You Entertain This Eternal Life Fantasy Because You've Chosen Not To Smoke, But Let Me Be The 1st To Pop That Bubble And Bring You Hurling Back To Reality . . . You're Dead Too.

I'll Tell You How To Solve This Abortion Thing...those Unwanted Babies...? Leave About 12 Of Them On The Supreme Court Steps.

What Strikes Me As Funny About Elvis Is That All The Impersonators Choose To Do The Vegas Elvis; Not The Young, Cool Guy, Always The Bloated Fool.

I've Said All That I've Had To Say.

...love Rather Than Fear...this Radical Philosophy Is Coming From Me, An Avowed Misanthrope...surely There Is Hope For Us All.

We Killed 6 Innocent People, Launching 22, I Think $3 Million Apiece Missiles On Baghdad...that's A Little Bit Overdoing It.

How Come People Always Flip And Think They're Jesus? Why Not Buddha? Particularly In America, Where More People Resemble Buddha Than Jesus. 'ah'm Buddha!' 'you're Bubba!' 'ah'm Buddha Now..all I Gotta Do Is Change 3 Letters On Ma Belt.

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assassination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It.

It's Always Funny Until Someone Gets Hurt. Then It's Just Hilarious.

The Best Kind Of Comedy To Me Is When You Make People Laugh At Things They've Never Laughed At, And Also Take A Light Into The Darkened Corners Of People's Minds, Exposing Them To The Light.

How Many People Disapprove Of The Job The Conservatives Are Doing? Seventy Percent. Of Those Same People, How Many Will Vote For Them Again? ...seventy Percent. What The Fuck? Where Did They Take This Poll, At An S&m Parlor?

I Believe The Cost Of Life Is Death And We Will All Pay That In Full. Everything Else Should Be A Gift.

Would You Let The Aliens Land, Please? They Might Be Here To Pick Me Up.

If You Are Living For Tomorrow, You Will Always Be One Day Behind.

Mister, I Don't Want No Trouble. I Just Came Downtown Here To Get Some Hard Rock Candy For My Kids, Some Gingham For My Wife. I Don't Even Know What Gingham Is, But She Goes Through About Ten Rolls A Week Of That Stuff. I Ain't Looking For No Trouble, Mister.

I Wouldn't Give Satan A Snowball's Chance In Hell Against A Woman's Ego.

If I Thought The Jews Killed God, I'd Worship The Jews.

That's What I'm Gonna Do: Quit Gradually...i'm Gonna Lose One Lung; Little While Later I'm Gonna Lose The Other One.

I Was Over In Australia During Easter, Which Was Really Interesting. You Know, They Celebrate Easter The Exact Same Way We Do, Commemorating The Death And Resurrection Of Jesus By Telling Our Children That A Giant Bunny Rabbit Left Chocolate Eggs In The Night. Now I Wonder Why We're F-ked Up As A Race. I've Read The Bible. I Can't Find The Word "bunny" Or "chocolate" Anywhere In The F-king Book.

I Go To Dance Clubs...about Once A Year Just To Justify The Other 364 Days I Spend In My Apartment Going 'god, What Idiots!'

It's Really Weird How Your Life Changes. Tonight I'm Drinking Water. Four Years Ago? Opium. Night And Day, You Know?

If You Want To Understand A Society, Take A Good Look At The Drugs It Uses. And What Can This Tell You About American Culture? Well, Look At The Drugs We Use. Except For Pharmaceutical Poison, There Are Essentially Only Two Drugs That Western Civilization Tolerates: Caffeine From Monday To Friday To Energize You Enough To Make You A Productive Member Of Society, And Alcohol From Friday To Monday To Keep You Too Stupid To Figure Out The Prison That You Are Living In.

Keith Richards Outlived Jim Fixx, The Runner And Health-nut Dude. The Plot Thickens.

You Are The Imagination Of Yourself.

I Love The Pope, I Love Seeing Him In His Pope-mobile, His Three Feet Of Bullet Proof Plexi-glass. That's Faith In Action Folks! You Know He's Got God On His Side.

Btw A 24 Week Old Embryo Is Not A Human Being. You're Not A Human Being Until You're In My Phone Book.

You Watch The News These Days? It's Unbelievable. You Think You Just Walk Out Your Door, You're Immediately Gonna Be Raped By Some Crack-addicted, Aids-infected Pitbull.

The Role Of The Comedian Is To Say 'wait A Minute' When A Consensus Starts To Form.

Rock Stars Against Drugs--that's What We Want, Isn't It? Government-approved Rock-n-roll? Woo! We're Partying Now!

I Believe It Is Our Own Misperceptions Of Who We Really Are That Leads To Every Self-created Hell You'll Find In This World.

What Before Seemed A...frustrating Wall, The Comic Deftly And Fearlessly Steps Through, Proving The Absurdity Of It All.

This Is Where We Are At Right Now, As A Whole. No One Is Left Out Of The Loop. We Are Experiencing A Reality Based On A Thin Veneer Of Lies And Illusions. A World Where Greed Is Our God And Wisdom Is Sin, Where Division Is Key And Unity Is Fantasy, Where The Ego-driven Cleverness Of The Mind Is Praised, Rather Than The Intelligence Of The Heart.

We All Pay For Life With Death, So Everything In Between Should Be Free.

They Proved That If You Quit Smoking, It Will Prolong Your Life. What They Haven't Proved Is That A Prolonged Life Is A Good Thing. I Haven't Seen The Stats On That Yet.

Well We Looked At All The People In The Bible And We Added 'em Up All The Way Back To Adam And Eve, Their Ages: 12,000 Years.

I'm Just Skin Covering Coffee And Some Real Nervous Teeth.

I Saw A Sign On The Side Of The Road In Tennessee Once That Said 'dirt For Sale'... What A Great Country We Live In. Dirt For Sale. How Would You Like To Get Inside That Guy's Mind And Look Around For A Hour? That Guy Sees Opportunity At Every Glance, Doesn't He?

In Australia...they Celebrate Easter The Same...by Telling Our Children A Giant Bunny Rabbit...left Chocolate Eggs In The Night

That's Starting To Depress Me About Ufos. The Fact That They Cross Galaxies...and Always End Up In Places Like Fyfe, Alabama.

England, Where No One Has Guns: 14 Deaths. United States...23,000 Deaths From Handguns. But - There's No Connection.

Eternal Suffering Awaits Anyone Who Questions God's Infinite Love.

Revolutionary Ideas

If You Don't Think Drugs Have Done Good Things For Us, Then Take All Of Your Records, Tapes And Cd's And Burn Them.

Our Next Cold War Ought To Be With Ourselves...after All, Who Poses The Biggest Danger To The American Environment? We Do.

Speaking Of Satan, I Was Watching Rush Limbaugh The Other Day.

People Often Ask Me Where I Stand Politically. It's Not That I Disagree With Bush's Economic Policy Or His Foreign Policy, It's That I Believe He Was A Child Of Satan Sent Here To Destroy The Planet Earth. Little To The Left.

How About A Positive Lsd Story? Wouldn't That Be News-worthy, Just The Once? To Base Your Decision On Information Rather Than Scare Tactics And Superstition And Lies? I Think It Would Be News-worthy.

Are Gun Rights Advocates Arguing That Roving Gangs...shooting Innocent Bystanders Constitutes A 'well-regulated Militia'?

Sometimes My Dad Even Gets On This Kick--'you Hate This Country'....i Have To Tell Him...i Just Hate Being Lied To.

I Got This Big Fear Of Doing Smoking Jokes In My Act And Showing Up Five Years From Now Goin' [puts Mic To His Neck And Speaks As If He Had A Mechanical Larynx] 'good Evening Everybody, Remember Me, Smoking's Bad. [puts Cigarette To Neck And Mimics Smoking It] Eeww. You Ever Seen Somebody Do That? I've Seen Someone Do That. Let Me Tell You Something — If You're Smoking Out Of A Hole In Your Neck [mimics It Again] I'd Think About Quitting. And That's Just Me, Ya Know.

A Christian Will Say... "i Believe God Created Me In One Day" Yeah, Looks Liked He Rushed It.

As Long As One Person Lives In Darkness Then It Seems To Be A Responsibility To Tell Other People.

It Is Hard To Quit Smoking. Every One Of Them Looks Real Good To Me Right About Now. Every Cigarette Looks Like It Was Made By God, Rolled By Jesus And Moistened Shut With Claudia Schiffer's Pussy.

You Ever Noticed How People Who Believe In Creationism Look Really Un-evolved? You Ever Noticed That? Eyes Real Close Together, Eyebrow Ridges, Big Furry Hands And Feet. "i Believe God Created Me In One Day". Yeah, Looks Like He Rushed It

You're Not A Human Till You're In My Phone Book. There. My Hat Is Now In The Political Ring.

The Puppet On The Right Shares My Beliefs, The Puppet On The Left Is More To My Liking. Hey...there's One Guy Holding Up Both!

I'm Just Trying To Rid The World Of All These Fevered Egos That Are Tainting Our Collective Unconscious.

Collective Unconscious

Women Priests. Great, Great. Now There's Priests Of Both Sexes I Don't Listen To.

In The Beginning God Created The Heavans And The Earth... See You At The Final.

[comedy] Is An Escape From Illusions. The Audience Is...thinking, 'this Bullshit We See And Hear All Day Makes No Sense.'

I've Learned A Lot About Women. I Think I've Learned Exactly How The Fall Of Man Occured In The Garden Of Eden. Adam And Eve Were In The Garden Of Eden, And Adam Said One Day, Wow, Eve, Here We Are, At One With Nature, At One With God, We'll Never Age, We'll Never Die, And All Our Dreams Come True The Instant That We Have Them. And Eve Said, Yeah... It's Just Not Enough Is It?

We're Supposed To Keep Evolving. Evolution Did Not End With Us Growing Opposable Thumbs. You Do Know That, Right?

Revolutionary Ideas

It's Hard To Have A Relationship In This Business...it's Gonna Take A Very Special Woman...or A Bunch Of Average Ones.

The World's Like A Ride In A Fairground & When You Choose To Go On It You Think It's Real, That's How Powerful Our Minds Are

I Was Always 'awake'...some Part Of Me Clamoring For New Insights And New Ways To Make The World A Better Place.

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M. F. K. Fisher

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