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I Ascribe To Mark Twain's Theory That The Last Person Who Should Be President Is The One Who Wants It The Most. The One Who Should Be Picked Is The One Who Should Be Dragged Kicking And Screaming Into The White House.

-Bill Hicks

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I Ascribe To Mark

Bill Hicks

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I Ascribe To Mark Twain's Theory That The Last Person Who Should Be President Is The One Who Wants It The Most. The One Who Should Be Picked Is The One Who Should Be Dragged Kicking And Screaming Into The White House.

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Revolutionary Ideas

More From Bill Hicks

A Lotta Christians Wear Crosses 'round Their Necks; Do You Think If Jesus Comes Back He Ever Wants To See Another Cross?

If I Thought The Jews Killed God, I'd Worship The Jews.

Pornography Is Any Act That Has No Artistic Merit And Causes Sexual Thoughts...sounds Like Almost Every Commercial On Tv To Me.

I Don't Mean To Sound Bitter, Cold, Or Cruel, But I Am, So That's How It Comes Out.

They Believe The Bible Is The Exact Word Of God - Then They Change The Bible! Pretty Presumptuous, Hu Huh? "i Think What God Meant To Say..."

I Go To Dance Clubs...about Once A Year Just To Justify The Other 364 Days I Spend In My Apartment Going 'god, What Idiots!'

I'd...bet Enthusiasm For 'ethnic Cleansing' Will Wane If Only Sticks And Rocks Are Available For The Warring Parties.

I Smoke. If This Bothers Anyone, I Suggest You Look Around At The World In Which We Live And Shut Your F-kin' Mouth.

In Australia...they Celebrate Easter The Same...by Telling Our Children A Giant Bunny Rabbit...left Chocolate Eggs In The Night

Any Organization Created Out Of Fear Must Create Fear To Survive.

Children Are Smarter Than Any Of Us. Know How I Know That? I Don't Know One Child With A Full Time Job And Children.

Folks, It's Time To Evolve. That's Why We're Troubled. You Know Why Our Institutions Are Failing Us, The Church, The State, Everything's Failing? It's Because, Um - They're No Longer Relevant. We're Supposed To Keep Evolving. Evolution Did Not End With Us Growing Opposable Thumbs. You Do Know That, Right?

Revolutionary Ideas

I Believe That The Bible Is The Literal Word Of God. And I Say No, It's Not, Dad. Well, I Believe That It Is. Well, You Know, Some People Believe They're Napoleon. That's Fine. Beliefs Are Neat. Cherish Them, But Don't Share Them Like They're The Truth.

...i Just Want To Be Free Of The Fears And Anxieties And The Superstitions Of Religion. An 'avenging God'? One Who Created Hell For Those Who Don't Believe? I Thought We Were The Perfect And Holy Children Of God? How Could Any Limits Possibly Be Put Upon Us? Hell.. Really? I'm Sorry, But... No. Wrong. You're Wrong. That's An Insane God And Therefore Not Mine. Because, See, God Would Be Very Sane, Don't You Get It?

I Was Always 'awake'...some Part Of Me Clamoring For New Insights And New Ways To Make The World A Better Place.

I've Been On What I Call My Ufo Tour, Which Means, Like Ufos, I Too Have Been Appearing In Small Southern Towns In Front Of A Handful Of Hillbillies Lately.

I Need My Sleep. I Need About Eight Hours A Day, And About Ten At Night.

Sometimes My Dad Even Gets On This Kick--'you Hate This Country'....i Have To Tell Him...i Just Hate Being Lied To.

Music Is A Great Energizer. It's A Language Everybody Knows.

...love Rather Than Fear...this Radical Philosophy Is Coming From Me, An Avowed Misanthrope...surely There Is Hope For Us All.

I Saw...a Kid On A Leash. You Seen These People? Kid On A Leash? How Horrible. Put Him In The Pound Where He Belongs.

If You Want To Understand A Society, Take A Good Look At The Drugs It Uses. And What Can This Tell You About American Culture? Well, Look At The Drugs We Use. Except For Pharmaceutical Poison, There Are Essentially Only Two Drugs That Western Civilization Tolerates: Caffeine From Monday To Friday To Energize You Enough To Make You A Productive Member Of Society, And Alcohol From Friday To Monday To Keep You Too Stupid To Figure Out The Prison That You Are Living In.

All Your Beliefs, They're Just That. They're Nothing. They're How You Were Taught And Raised. That Doesn't Make 'em Real.

We Are The Facilitators Of Our Own Creative Evolution.

I Have Something To Tell You Non-smokers That I Know For A Fact That You Don't Know, And I Feel It's My Duty To Pass On Information At All Times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers Die Every Day . . . Enjoy Your Evening. See, I Know That You Entertain This Eternal Life Fantasy Because You've Chosen Not To Smoke, But Let Me Be The 1st To Pop That Bubble And Bring You Hurling Back To Reality . . . You're Dead Too.

I'm Sorry If Any Of You Are Catholic. I'm Not Sorry If You're Offended, I'm Actually Just Sorry By The Fact That You're Catholic.

I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution. Ok, Not The Most Popular Idea Ever Expressed. Either That Or You're All Real High And Agreeing With Me In The Only Way You Can Right Now. (starts Blinking)

Keith Richards Outlived Jim Fixx, The Runner And Health-nut Dude. The Plot Thickens.

How Many People Disapprove Of The Job The Conservatives Are Doing? Seventy Percent. Of Those Same People, How Many Will Vote For Them Again? ...seventy Percent. What The Fuck? Where Did They Take This Poll, At An S&m Parlor?

I Got This Big Fear Of Doing Smoking Jokes In My Act And Showing Up Five Years From Now Goin' [puts Mic To His Neck And Speaks As If He Had A Mechanical Larynx] 'good Evening Everybody, Remember Me, Smoking's Bad. [puts Cigarette To Neck And Mimics Smoking It] Eeww. You Ever Seen Somebody Do That? I've Seen Someone Do That. Let Me Tell You Something — If You're Smoking Out Of A Hole In Your Neck [mimics It Again] I'd Think About Quitting. And That's Just Me, Ya Know.

I Wish I Could Meet A Christian Who Would Proselytize To Me, But They Keep Running Away From Me. I Wanna Talk To You All.

You Want A Better World...? Legalize Pot Right Now. ...end The Deficit? Legalize Pot Right Now...biggest Cash Crop In America.

It's All About Money, Not Freedom. If You Think You're Free, Try Going Somewhere Without Money, Okay?

It's Not A War On Drugs, It's A War On Personal Freedom.

Personal Freedom

I Loved When Bush Came Out And Said, 'we Are Losing The War Against Drugs.' You Know What That Implies? There's A War Being Fought, And The People On Drugs Are Winning It.

The Voice Of Reason Is In Us All...and Everyone Can Recognize It Because It Makes Sense And Everyone Benefits From It Equally.

You Know All The Money We Spend On Nuclear Weapons And Defence Every Year? Trillions Of Dollars? Correct? Trillions. Instead, If We Spent That Money Feeding And Clothing The Poor Of The World,which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, Not One, We Could, As One Race, Explore Outer Space Together In Peace Forever

I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution.

It's An Insane World, And I'm Proud To Be A Part Of It.

I, Like All Artists In Western Cultures, Am A Shaman...come In The Guise Of A Comic...to Heal Perception By Using...'jokes'.

Western Culture

In The Beginning God Created The Heavans And The Earth... See You At The Final.

People In The United Kingdom And Outside The United States Share My Bemusement With The United States That America Doesn't Share With Itself.

People Always Snap And Think They're Jesus. How Come No One Ever Snaps And Thinks They're Buddha?

As Long As One Person Lives In Darkness Then It Seems To Be A Responsibility To Tell Other People.

Nicotine Patches Are Great. Stick One Over Each Eye And You Can't Find Your Fags.

Cigarette Smoke

What's Gonna Happen To The Arms Industry When We Realize We're All One. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! It's Gonna Fuck Up The Economy! The Economy That's Fake Anyway! Ha Ha Ha! Which Would Be A Real Bummer. You Know. You Can See Why The Government's Cracking Down... On The Idea Of Experiencing Unconditional Love, Ah.

I Can Speak For Every Guy In This Room Here Tonight. Guys, If You Could Blow Yourselves, Ladies, You'd Be In This Room Alone Right Now. Watching An Empty Stage.

I'll Smoke, I'll Cough, I'll Get The Tumors, I'll Die, Deal? Thank You America. [salutes]

Ever Notice That People Who Believe In Creationism Look Really Unevolved? Eyes Real Close Together, Big Furry Hands And Feet. "i Believe God Created Me In One Day." Yeah, Looks Like He Rushed It.

Your Denial Is Beneath You, And Thanks To The Use Of Hallucinogenic Drugs, I See Through You.

Let's Do Some Comedy. I Always Like To Add Some Comedy To My Show. Those Who've Seen Me Before Might Know That.

Writing, Acting, Music, Comedy. A Deep Love Of Literature And Books. Thank God For All The Artists Who've Helped Me.

Dinosaur Fossils Were Placed In Rocks By Prankster God Just To Make Human Beings Think The World Is Older Than It Is.

That's Starting To Depress Me About Ufos. The Fact That They Cross Galaxies...and Always End Up In Places Like Fyfe, Alabama.

Nonsmokers--this Is For You And You Only. Ready? Nonsmokers Die Every Day. Sleep Tight.

You Ever Noticed How People Who Believe In Creationism Look Really Un-evolved? You Ever Noticed That? Eyes Real Close Together, Eyebrow Ridges, Big Furry Hands And Feet. "i Believe God Created Me In One Day". Yeah, Looks Like He Rushed It

They Proved That If You Quit Smoking, It Will Prolong Your Life. What They Haven't Proved Is That A Prolonged Life Is A Good Thing. I Haven't Seen The Stats On That Yet.

Sixteen Years I've Pounded My Head Against The Mentality Of America, Which...i'd Say It's About An 8th Grade Emotional Level.

Shut Up! Go Back To Bed, America. Your Government Is In Control. Here's Love Connection. Watch This And Get Fat And Stupid.

You Ever Notice That Everyone Who Believes In Creationism Looks Really Un-evolved?

What Kind Of People Are These With Such Low Self-esteem That They Need A War To Feel Better About Themselves?

Not All Drugs Are Good.. Some Of Them Are Great

I'm Tired Of This Back-slappin' "isn't Humanity Neat" Bullshit. We're A Virus With Shoes.

While I've Found Many Of The Religious Shows I've Viewed Over The Years Not To Be To My Liking, Or In Line With My Own Beliefs, I've Never Considered It My Place To Exert Any Greater Type Of Censorship Than Changing The Channel, Or Better Yet - Turning Off The Tv Completely.

Freedom Of Speech

Will There Be Titty? Sure. Boom! I'm A Producer. Where You Been All Our Life, Boy? We Been Lookin For You In Hollywood.

I Believe That There Is An Equality To All Humanity. We All Suck.

Revolutionary Ideas

What Does An Atheist Scream When They Come?

We All Pay For Life With Death, So Everything In Between Should Be Free.

Listen, The Next Revolution Is Gonna Be A Revolution Of Ideas.

Revolutionary Ideas

Oh My God. Lift Me Up Out Of This Illusion, Lord. Heal My Perception That I Might Know Only Reality And Only You.

When Two Or More People Agree On An Issue, I Form On The Other Side.

I'm Very Tired Of Staring Out Into Your Vacant Faces Looking Back At Me. Wanting To Fill Your Empty Lives With Humor You Couldn't Possibly Think Of Yourself... Good Evening!

Pot Is A Better Drug Than Alcohol. I'll Prove It To You. You're At A Ball Game Or A Concert, And Someone's Really Violent And Agressive And Obnoxious, Are They Drunk Or Are They Smoking Pot?

It's Always Funny Until Someone Gets Hurt. Then It's Just Hilarious.

The American Dream Is A Crock. Stop Wanting Everything. Everyone Should Wear Jeans And Have Three T-shirts, Eat Rice And Beans.

I've Learned A Lot About Women. I Think I've Learned Exactly How The Fall Of Man Occured In The Garden Of Eden. Adam And Eve Were In The Garden Of Eden, And Adam Said One Day, Wow, Eve, Here We Are, At One With Nature, At One With God, We'll Never Age, We'll Never Die, And All Our Dreams Come True The Instant That We Have Them. And Eve Said, Yeah... It's Just Not Enough Is It?

Mister, I Don't Want No Trouble. I Just Came Downtown Here To Get Some Hard Rock Candy For My Kids, Some Gingham For My Wife. I Don't Even Know What Gingham Is, But She Goes Through About Ten Rolls A Week Of That Stuff. I Ain't Looking For No Trouble, Mister.

I Don't Know What You All Believe, And I Don't Really Care ... But You Have To Admit That Beliefs Are Odd. Lots Of Christians Wear Crosses Around Their Necks ... You Really Think When Jesus Comes Back, He Ever Wants To See A Fucking Cross?

England, Where No One Has Guns: 14 Deaths. United States...23,000 Deaths From Handguns. But - There's No Connection.

Mushrooms Grow On Cow Turds. I Love That. I Think That's Why You Giggle The First Hour.

If You're So Pro-life, Do Me A Favour: Don't Lock Arms And Block Medical Clinics. If You're So Pro-life, Lock Arms And Block Cemeteries.

So Scary Watching The News...like Iraq...could Ever Under Any Stretch Of The Imagination Be Any Threat To Us Whatsoever.

Mummy, I Woke Today And There Was A Lincoln Log In Me Sock Drawer! ... That's The Story Of Jesus.

That's What I Hate About The War On Drugs. All Day Long We See Those Commercials: "here's Your Brain, Here's Your Brain On Drugs", "just Say No", "why Do You Think They Call It Dope?" … And Then The Next Commercial Is [singing] "this Bud's For Yooouuuu." C'mon, Everybody, Let's Be Hypocritical Bastards. It's Okay To Drink Your Drug. We Meant Those Other Drugs. Those Untaxed Drugs. Those Are The Ones That Are Bad For You.

Go Back To Bed America, Your Government Is In Control Again. Go Back To Bed America... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You.

We'll See Who Believes In Me Now. I Am The Prankster God - I Am Killing Me!

I Am A Misanthropic Humanist... Do I Like People? They're Great, In Theory.

Rock Stars Against Drugs--that's What We Want, Isn't It? Government-approved Rock-n-roll? Woo! We're Partying Now!

Christianity Has A Built-in Defense System: Anything That Questions A Belief, No Matter How Logical The Argument Is, Is The Work Of Satan By The Very Fact That It Makes You Question A Belief. It's A Very Interesting Defense Mechanism And The Only Way To Get By It -- And Believe Me, I Was Raised Southern Baptist -- Is To Take Massive Amounts Of Mushrooms, Sit In A Field, And Just Go, "show Me.".

Would You Let The Aliens Land, Please? They Might Be Here To Pick Me Up.

We Killed 6 Innocent People, Launching 22, I Think $3 Million Apiece Missiles On Baghdad...that's A Little Bit Overdoing It.

Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One. Here's What We Can Do To Change The World, Right Now, To A Better Ride. Take All That Money We Spend On Weapons And Defenses Each Year And Instead Spend It Feeding And Clothing And Educating The Poor Of The World, Which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, And We Could Explore Space, Together, Both Inner And Outer, Forever, In Peace.

We Are One With God And He Loves Us. Now If That Isn't A Hazard To This Country-how're We Gonna Keep Building Nuclear Weapons?

Our Next Cold War Ought To Be With Ourselves...after All, Who Poses The Biggest Danger To The American Environment? We Do.

Why Do We Put People Who Are On Drugs In Jail? They're Sick, They're Not Criminals. Sick People Don't Get Healed In Prison. You See? It Makes No Sense.

The Role Of The Comedian Is To Say 'wait A Minute' When A Consensus Starts To Form.

I Do Not Believe Making Money In Order To Consume Goods Is Mankind’s Sole Purpose On This Planet. If You’re Wondering What I Believe Our Purpose On This Planet Is, I’ll Give You A Hint... It Has To Do With Creating And Sharing.

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

I Was In Australia....lotta Leg Room Down Under. Apartments: Dollar A Month. 2000-acre Den....think Of The Parties.

God Has This...hobby. He Creates Perfection. This World Is Not Perfect. We Have To Learn To Separate Illusions From Reality.

I Get A Kick Out Of Being An Outsider Constantly. It Allows Me To Be Creative.

Revolutionary Ideas

I Was In A Cab In New York. The Cab Had A Sign, "please Do Not Smoke, Christ Is Our Unseen Guest." This Guy Was Reaching. I Figure, If He Could Overcome Being Nailed To A Cross, I Don't Think A Marlboro Light's Gonna Faze Him That Much.

I'm Just Skin Covering Coffee And Some Real Nervous Teeth.

Right Foot, Left Foot, Hemorrhage.

I Ascribe To Mark Twain's Theory That The Last Person Who Should Be President Is The One Who Wants It The Most. The One Who Should Be Picked Is The One Who Should Be Dragged Kicking And Screaming Into The White House.

Revolutionary Ideas

Btw A 24 Week Old Embryo Is Not A Human Being. You're Not A Human Being Until You're In My Phone Book.

The Waitress Comes Over To Me Like, 'what'chu Readin' For?' I Had Never Been Asked That. Not 'what Am I Reading?' But 'what Am I Reading For?' Goddammit, You Stumped Me. Hmm, Why Do I Read? I Suppose I Read For A Lot Of Reasons, One Of The Main Ones Being So I Don't End Up Being A... Waffle Waitress.

This Is Where We Are At Right Now, As A Whole. No One Is Left Out Of The Loop. We Are Experiencing A Reality Based On A Thin Veneer Of Lies And Illusions. A World Where Greed Is Our God And Wisdom Is Sin, Where Division Is Key And Unity Is Fantasy, Where The Ego-driven Cleverness Of The Mind Is Praised, Rather Than The Intelligence Of The Heart.

How Many Of Y'all Wondered, Like I Did, During The La Riots When Those People Were Being Pulled Out Of Their Trucks And Beaten Half To Death - Step On The F***ing Gas, Man! They're On Foot, You're In A Truck - I Think I See A Way Out Of This.

I'll Tell You How To Solve This Abortion Thing...those Unwanted Babies...? Leave About 12 Of Them On The Supreme Court Steps.

I Do Not Believe Making Money In Order To Consume Goods Is Mankind's Sole Purpose On This Planet.

We Are Losing The 'war On Drugs,' Which Means There's A War Going On And People On Drugs Are Winning It.

This Is The Idea That Has Made Me...an Anonymous Figure In America...if You Have Children Here Tonight...they Are Not Special.

I Don't Like Anything In The Mainstream And They Don't Like Me.

Revolutionary Ideas

Good Comedy Helps People Know They're Not Alone. Great Comedy Provides An Answer.

Don't Worry; Don't Be Afraid, Ever, Because This Is Just A Ride.

Revolutionary Ideas

It Has Become More And More Obvious That There Is One Political Party In America, And That Is The Business Party.

How Come People Always Flip And Think They're Jesus? Why Not Buddha? Particularly In America, Where More People Resemble Buddha Than Jesus. 'ah'm Buddha!' 'you're Bubba!' 'ah'm Buddha Now..all I Gotta Do Is Change 3 Letters On Ma Belt.

[comedy] Is An Escape From Illusions. The Audience Is...thinking, 'this Bullshit We See And Hear All Day Makes No Sense.'

Well We Looked At All The People In The Bible And We Added 'em Up All The Way Back To Adam And Eve, Their Ages: 12,000 Years.

What Did Moths Bump Into Before The Electric Light Bulb Was Invented? Boy, The Lightbulb Really Screwed The Moth Up Didn't It? Are There Moths On Their Way To The Sun Now Going, It's Gonna Be Worth It!.

If Ur Going To Have A War On Drugs, Have Them Against All Drugs, Including Alcohol, The Number One Offender.

If You Are Living For Tomorrow, You Will Always Be One Day Behind.

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assasination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It. I Think That's Interesting In What Is Ostensibly A Democracy. Sarcasm - Come On In. People Say Bill, Quit Talking About Kennedy Man. It Was A Long Time Ago, Just Let It Go, Alright? It's A Long Time Ago, Just Forget It. I'm Like, Alright, Then Don't Bring Up Jesus To Me. As Long As We're Talking Shelf Life Here.

I Love Talking About Kennedy Assassination...a Great Archetypal Example Of How Totalitarian Government...sorry, Wrong Meeting.

How About A Positive Lsd Story? Wouldn't That Be News-worthy, Just The Once? To Base Your Decision On Information Rather Than Scare Tactics And Superstition And Lies? I Think It Would Be News-worthy.

The War On Drugs To Me Is Absolutely Phoney, Its So Obviously Phoney, Ok? It's A War Against Our Civil Rights, That's All It Is. They're Using It To Make Us Afraid To Go Out At Night, Afraid Of Each Other, So That We Lock Ourselves In Our Homes And They Get Suspending Our Rights One By One.

What Do You Say We Lighten Things Up And Talk About Abortion?

I've Had Seven Balls Of Light Come Off A Ufo...explain To Me Telepathically We Are All One And There's No Such Thing As Death.

'where's Bill Going?' He's Going To Comedy Death. Boom! He Pops Out Of It With Another Joke. It's My Particular Style.

All Governments Are Lying Cocksuckers.

I'm A Heavy Smoker. I Go Through Two Lighters A Day.

Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.

It's My Object To Be Stared At Like A Dog That's Just Been Shown A Card Trick.

How Do I Know The Bible Isn't The Word Of God? Well If It Was The Word Of God It Would Be Clear And Easy To Understand...considering God Was The Creator Of Language!

How Dare You Have Wino Tell Me Not To Do Drugs.

People In The U.k. Share My Bemusement With The United States That America Doesn't Share With Itself. They Have A Sense Of Irony, Which America Doesn't Have, Seeing As It's Being Run By Fundamentalists Who Take Things Literally.

To Make Marijuana Against The Law Is Like Saying God Made A Big Mistake.

I'm An American Who Loves An America Which Doesn't Exist, Which Is A Land Of Freedom And Free Ideas.

There Is A 3rd Point Of View On The Gun Control Issue - Those Who I Refer To As The Victims - But They Remain Strangely Silent.

Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves.

Revolutionary Ideas

All Day Long You See Those Commercials: 'here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and The Next Commercial Is: 'this Bud's For You.'

To Me Pornography Is...spending All Your Money And Not Educating The People In America, But Spending It Instead On Weapons.

They Tell Us "rock'n'roll Is The Devil's Music." Well, Let's Say We Know That Rock Is The Devil's Music, And We Know That It Is, For Sure ... At Least He F-kin' Jams! If It's A Choice Between Eternal Hell And Good Tunes, And Eternal Heaven And New Kids On The F-kin' Block ... I'm Gonna Be Surfin' On The Lake Of Fire, Rockin' Out.

You Watch The News These Days? It's Unbelievable. You Think You Just Walk Out Your Door, You're Immediately Gonna Be Raped By Some Crack-addicted, Aids-infected Pitbull.

I...am An Evolved Being Who Deals Solely With The Source Of Light...in All Of Us In Our Own Minds. No Middleman Required.

Why Is Marijuana Against The Law? It Grows Naturally On Our Planet, Serves A Thousand Different Functions, All Of Them Positive. To Make Marijuana Against The Law Is Like Saying That God Made A Mistake.

Childbirth Is No More A Miracle Then Eating Food And A Turd Coming Out Of Your Ass.

We Really Are All One....this Is The Very Philosophy That Has Kept Me Virtually Anonymous In America For Fifteen Years.

And I'm Not Getting Laid! What Am I Doing Wrong?

Laughter Makes The Bitter Swallowing Of Truth, For Some, A Little Easier.

What Are You Reading For?

Surgeon General's Warning Ought To Read: Smoking Has Been Determined T0 Cause Cancer, Heart Disease & Rednecks With Seniority.

Why Is Marijuana Against The Law? It Grows Naturally Upon Our Planet. Doesn’t The Idea Of Making Nature Against The Law Seem To You A Bit . . . Unnatural?

I Left In Love, In Laughter, And In Truth, And Wherever Truth, Love And Laughter Abide, I Am There In Spirit.

Revolutionary Ideas

Be Yourself On Stage. Nobody Else Can Be You And You Have The Law Of Supply And Demand Covered.

I Just Have One Of Those Faces. People Come Up To Me And Say, 'what's Wrong?' Nothing. 'well, It Takes More Energy To Frown Than It Does To Smile.' Yeah, You Know It Takes More Energy To Point That Out Than It Does To Leave Me Alone?

It's Really Weird How Your Life Changes. Tonight I'm Drinking Water. Four Years Ago? Opium. Night And Day, You Know?

It's Hard To Have A Relationship In This Business...it's Gonna Take A Very Special Woman...or A Bunch Of Average Ones.

I'm Just Trying To Rid The World Of All These Fevered Egos That Are Tainting Our Collective Unconscious.

Collective Unconscious

People Tell Me, 'bill, Let It Go. The Kennedy Assassination Was Years Ago. It Was Just The Assassination Of A President And The Hijacking Of Our Government By A Totalitarian Regime - Who Cares? Just Let It Go.' I Say, 'all Right Then. That Whole Jesus Thing? Let It Go! It Was 2,000 Years Ago! Who Cares?'

And On The Seventh Day, God Stepped Back And Said And Said, "this Is My Creation, Perfect In Every Way... Oh, Dammit I Left All This Pot All Over The Place. Now They'll Think I Want Them To Smoke It... Now I Have To Create Republicans."

The Definition Of Black Irony Is Pro-lifers Killing Doctors Who Do Abortions

My Voice Was Not Heard, The Questions Were Not Asked That I Wanted To See Asked.

Truly, The Only Stupid People I've Ever Met, The Most Absolutely Clueless, Are The Very People That Produce Television.

I'm Not Into Those Kind Of Rivalries. I Remember Standing Out In Front Of Stratford, Minding My Own Business. Carload Of About Eighty Kids Would Pull Up: 'stratford Sucks!' Am I Supposed To Run After These Guys? I'd Just Stand There, You Know. They'd Back Up. 'stratford Sucks! ...stratford Sucks!' I'd Say, 'i Know. I Go There. You're Wasting Gas, Man.

I Don't Do Drugs Anymore... Than, Say, The Average Touring Funk Band.

People Say To Me, Hey, Bill, The War Made Us Feel Better About Ourselves. Really? What Kind Of People Are These With Such Low Self-esteem That They Need A War To Feel Better About Themselves? May I Suggest, Instead Of A War To Feel Better About Yourself, Perhaps... Sit-ups? Maybe A Fruit Cup? Eight Glasses Of Water A Day?

It Seems To Me That There Will Be A Point In Out Development Or Our Evolution Where You Put Your Guns Aside.

Oh Sorry, I Was Taking Life Seriously.

No One Can Give You Any Answers. There Aren't Any. You Have To Discover For Yourself-you Must Learn To Navigate The Mystery.

I Think It's Interesting How People Act On Their Beliefs. A Lot Of Christians, For Instance, Wear Crosses Around Their Necks. Nice Sentiment, But Do You Think When Jesus Comes Back, He's Really Going To Want To Look At A Cross?

I Was Over In Australia During Easter, Which Was Really Interesting. You Know, They Celebrate Easter The Exact Same Way We Do, Commemorating The Death And Resurrection Of Jesus By Telling Our Children That A Giant Bunny Rabbit Left Chocolate Eggs In The Night. Now I Wonder Why We're F-ked Up As A Race. I've Read The Bible. I Can't Find The Word "bunny" Or "chocolate" Anywhere In The F-king Book.

A Christian Will Say... "i Believe God Created Me In One Day" Yeah, Looks Liked He Rushed It.

Women Priests. Great, Great. Now There's Priests Of Both Sexes I Don't Listen To.

Are Gun Rights Advocates Arguing That Roving Gangs...shooting Innocent Bystanders Constitutes A 'well-regulated Militia'?

No, I Don't Do Drugs Anymore, Either. But I'll Tell You Something About Drugs. I Used To Do Drugs, But I'll Tell You Something Honestly About Drugs, Honestly, And I Know It's Not A Very Popular Idea, You Don't Hear It Very Often Anymore, But It Is The Truth: I Had A Great Time Doing Drugs. Sorry. Never Murdered Anyone, Never Robbed Anyone, Never Raped Anyone, Never Beat Anyone, Never Lost A Job, A Car, A House, A Wife Or Kids, Laughed My Ass Off, And Went About My Day.

Ultimately, It Is In Fun. It Is Supposed To Be Highly Entertaining.

Rock Stars Hawking Diet Cokes--are Demons Set Loose On The Earth To Lower The Standards For The Perfect & Holy Children Of God!

Let Me Tell You About Gays In The Military. I Don't Want Any Gay People Hanging Around Me While I'm Killing Kids. I Just Don't Want To See It.

I Was A Weekend Drinker...i'd Start On Saturday, End On Friday...thought I Was Controlling It...but I Don't Drink Any More.

Marijuana Grows Naturally...don't You Think Making Nature Against The Law Seems A Bit, I Don't Know, Unnatural?

I Can't Watch Tv Longer Than Five Minutes Without Praying For Nuclear Holocaust.

Revolutionary Ideas

Okay, I Got One Word To Ask You, A One Word Question, Ready?

The Puppet On The Right Shares My Beliefs, The Puppet On The Left Is More To My Liking. Hey...there's One Guy Holding Up Both!

Isn't That Weird, We've Made Nature Against The Law. That's How Un-natural We've Become.

I've Said All That I've Had To Say.

On The Theft Of His Material By Denis Leary: "i Have A Scoop For You. I Stole His Act. I Camouflaged It With Punchlines, And To Really Throw People Off, I Did It Before He Did."

You All Saw Him - He Had A Gun.

Courtroom For Ted Bundy's Trial Is Packed With Women, Trying To Meet Him And Give Him Love Letters And Wedding-fucking-proposals...and The First Thought That Enters My Mind Is, "and I'm Not Getting Laid." What Am I Doing Wrong?

See We Just Had A Misunderstanding. I Thought We Lived In The U.s. Of A., The United States Of America. But Actually We Live In The U.s. Of A., The United States Of Advertising. Freedom Of Expression Is Guaranteed? If You've Got The Money!

People Are Bringing Shotguns To Ufo Sightings...brings A Whole New Meaning To That Phrase 'you Ain't From Around Here, Ar'ya?'

I Find It Ironic That People Who Are Against Things That Cause Sexual Thoughts Are Generally Fundamentalist Christians Who Also Believe You Should Be Fruitful And Multiply.

I Used To Drink, I Did, I Had To Quit. Man, I Was An Embarrassing Drunk. I'd Get Pulled Over By The Cops, I'd Be So Drunk I'd Be Out Dancing To Their Lights Thinking I'd Made It To Another Club.

I Hate Patriotism... I Can't Stand It. It's A Round World Last Time I Checked.

Billy Ray Cyrus Does Not Smoke. Michael Bolton Doesn't...paula Abdul Doesn't...there Does Seem To Be A Pattern.

Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One.

What Strikes Me As Funny About Elvis Is That All The Impersonators Choose To Do The Vegas Elvis; Not The Young, Cool Guy, Always The Bloated Fool.

I Used To Love To Call L.a. When I Lived In New York... Is That The Big One I Hear In The Background? Bye, You Lizard Scum! Bye!

It's Not That I Disagreed With Bush's Economic Policy... I Believed He Was A Child Of Satan Here To Destroy The Planet.

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