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I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution. Ok, Not The Most Popular Idea Ever Expressed. Either That Or You're All Real High And Agreeing With Me In The Only Way You Can Right Now. (starts Blinking)

-Bill Hicks

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I Believe That God

Bill Hicks

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I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution. Ok, Not The Most Popular Idea Ever Expressed. Either That Or You're All Real High And Agreeing With Me In The Only Way You Can Right Now. (starts Blinking)

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In The Beginning God Created The Heavans And The Earth... See You At The Final.

Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves.

Revolutionary Ideas

I'm Very Tired Of Staring Out Into Your Vacant Faces Looking Back At Me. Wanting To Fill Your Empty Lives With Humor You Couldn't Possibly Think Of Yourself... Good Evening!

I Ascribe To Mark Twain's Theory That The Last Person Who Should Be President Is The One Who Wants It The Most. The One Who Should Be Picked Is The One Who Should Be Dragged Kicking And Screaming Into The White House.

Revolutionary Ideas

Truly, The Only Stupid People I've Ever Met, The Most Absolutely Clueless, Are The Very People That Produce Television.

I Don't Care If You're Obscene, Filthy, Horrendous -- As Long As You're Honest.

Mushrooms Grow On Cow Turds. I Love That. I Think That's Why You Giggle The First Hour.

We Are Losing The 'war On Drugs,' Which Means There's A War Going On And People On Drugs Are Winning It.

Oh My God. Lift Me Up Out Of This Illusion, Lord. Heal My Perception That I Might Know Only Reality And Only You.

What Before Seemed A...frustrating Wall, The Comic Deftly And Fearlessly Steps Through, Proving The Absurdity Of It All.

That's What I Hate About The War On Drugs. All Day Long We See Those Commercials: "here's Your Brain, Here's Your Brain On Drugs", "just Say No", "why Do You Think They Call It Dope?" … And Then The Next Commercial Is [singing] "this Bud's For Yooouuuu." C'mon, Everybody, Let's Be Hypocritical Bastards. It's Okay To Drink Your Drug. We Meant Those Other Drugs. Those Untaxed Drugs. Those Are The Ones That Are Bad For You.

The Cia Has A Plot...they've Used Before To Get Rid Of World Leaders. Only Problem...is Convincing Hussein...to Fly To Dallas.

Not All Drugs Are Good.. Some Of Them Are Great

I Get A Kick Out Of Being An Outsider Constantly. It Allows Me To Be Creative.

Revolutionary Ideas

Shut Up! Go Back To Bed, America. Your Government Is In Control. Here's Love Connection. Watch This And Get Fat And Stupid.

Is It Impossible To Imagine Americans Sneaking Into Mexico En Masse, Seeking Regular Employment And A Better Way Of Life?

Children Are Smarter Than Any Of Us. Know How I Know That? I Don't Know One Child With A Full Time Job And Children.

If I Thought The Jews Killed God, I'd Worship The Jews.

People Are Bringing Shotguns To Ufo Sightings In Fife, Alabama. I Asked A Guy, "why Do You Bring A Gun To A Ufo Sighting?" Guy Said, "way-ul, We Didn' Wanna Be Ab-duc-ted." If I Lived In Fife, Alabama, I Would Be On My Hands And Knees Every Night Praying For Abduction.

I'm Sorry If Any Of You Are Catholic. I'm Not Sorry If You're Offended, I'm Actually Just Sorry By The Fact That You're Catholic.

I Was Over In Australia During Easter, Which Was Really Interesting. You Know, They Celebrate Easter The Exact Same Way We Do, Commemorating The Death And Resurrection Of Jesus By Telling Our Children That A Giant Bunny Rabbit Left Chocolate Eggs In The Night. Now I Wonder Why We're F-ked Up As A Race. I've Read The Bible. I Can't Find The Word "bunny" Or "chocolate" Anywhere In The F-king Book.

I Believe That The Bible Is The Literal Word Of God. And I Say No, It's Not, Dad. Well, I Believe That It Is. Well, You Know, Some People Believe They're Napoleon. That's Fine. Beliefs Are Neat. Cherish Them, But Don't Share Them Like They're The Truth.

This Is The Idea That Has Made Me...an Anonymous Figure In America...if You Have Children Here Tonight...they Are Not Special.

A Christian Will Say... "i Believe God Created Me In One Day" Yeah, Looks Liked He Rushed It.

All Your Beliefs, They're Just That. They're Nothing. They're How You Were Taught And Raised. That Doesn't Make 'em Real.

'where's Bill Going?' He's Going To Comedy Death. Boom! He Pops Out Of It With Another Joke. It's My Particular Style.

Music Is A Great Energizer. It's A Language Everybody Knows.

Ultimately, It Is In Fun. It Is Supposed To Be Highly Entertaining.

I've Learned A Lot About Women. I Think I've Learned Exactly How The Fall Of Man Occured In The Garden Of Eden. Adam And Eve Were In The Garden Of Eden, And Adam Said One Day, Wow, Eve, Here We Are, At One With Nature, At One With God, We'll Never Age, We'll Never Die, And All Our Dreams Come True The Instant That We Have Them. And Eve Said, Yeah... It's Just Not Enough Is It?

Well We Looked At All The People In The Bible And We Added 'em Up All The Way Back To Adam And Eve, Their Ages: 12,000 Years.

Sixteen Years I've Pounded My Head Against The Mentality Of America, Which...i'd Say It's About An 8th Grade Emotional Level.

How Dare You Have Wino Tell Me Not To Do Drugs.

Marijuana: A Drug That Kills … No One – And Let's Put It In A Time Frame – Ever. Illegal.

To Make Marijuana Against The Law Is Like Saying God Made A Big Mistake.

All Governments Are Lying Cocksuckers.

I'd...bet Enthusiasm For 'ethnic Cleansing' Will Wane If Only Sticks And Rocks Are Available For The Warring Parties.

I Guess What Surprised Me The Most Was The Discrepancy In Casualties: Iraq, One Hundred Fifty Thousand Casualties, Usa: Seventy-nine! Let's Go Over Those Numbers Again, They're A Little Baffling At First: Iraq: 150,000, Usa: 79. Does That Mean We Could Have Won With Only 80 Guys There? Just One Guy In A Ticker-tape Parade, "i Did It! Hey!"

God Has This...hobby. He Creates Perfection. This World Is Not Perfect. We Have To Learn To Separate Illusions From Reality.

They Proved That If You Quit Smoking, It Will Prolong Your Life. What They Haven't Proved Is That A Prolonged Life Is A Good Thing. I Haven't Seen The Stats On That Yet.

I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution.

How About A Positive Lsd Story? Wouldn't That Be News-worthy, Just The Once? To Base Your Decision On Information Rather Than Scare Tactics And Superstition And Lies? I Think It Would Be News-worthy.

What Do You Say We Lighten Things Up And Talk About Abortion?

We Are One With God And He Loves Us. Now If That Isn't A Hazard To This Country-how're We Gonna Keep Building Nuclear Weapons?

Any Organization Created Out Of Fear Must Create Fear To Survive.

Man, The Beatles Were So High, They Let Ringo Sing A Coupla Tunes. Tell Me They Weren't Partyin'.

That's Why I Always Recommend A Psychedelic Experience Because It Makes You Realize That All You've Learned Is In Fact Just Learned And Not Necessarily The Truth.

I Believe That God Left Certain Drugs Growing Naturally Upon Our Planet To Help Speed Up And Facilitate Our Evolution. Ok, Not The Most Popular Idea Ever Expressed. Either That Or You're All Real High And Agreeing With Me In The Only Way You Can Right Now. (starts Blinking)

To Me, Texas Is Austin, A Bunch Of Cool People Trying To Make A Difference.

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assasination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It. I Think That's Interesting In What Is Ostensibly A Democracy. Sarcasm - Come On In. People Say Bill, Quit Talking About Kennedy Man. It Was A Long Time Ago, Just Let It Go, Alright? It's A Long Time Ago, Just Forget It. I'm Like, Alright, Then Don't Bring Up Jesus To Me. As Long As We're Talking Shelf Life Here.

It's An Insane World, And I'm Proud To Be A Part Of It.

Good Comedy Helps People Know They're Not Alone. Great Comedy Provides An Answer.

Why Is Marijuana Against The Law? It Grows Naturally On Our Planet, Serves A Thousand Different Functions, All Of Them Positive. To Make Marijuana Against The Law Is Like Saying That God Made A Mistake.

It's All About Money, Not Freedom. If You Think You're Free, Try Going Somewhere Without Money, Okay?

Ever Notice That People Who Believe In Creationism Look Really Unevolved? Eyes Real Close Together, Big Furry Hands And Feet. "i Believe God Created Me In One Day." Yeah, Looks Like He Rushed It.

The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love, Instead, See All Of Us As One.

Isn't That Weird, We've Made Nature Against The Law. That's How Un-natural We've Become.

I'm Totally Confused About What I'm Going To Do With My Life.

....all Drugs Should Be Legal. War Is Wrong. The Rich Get Richer. The Poor Get Poorer. Thank You. I'll Be Here All Week.

The World's Like A Ride In A Fairground & When You Choose To Go On It You Think It's Real, That's How Powerful Our Minds Are

Pot Is A Better Drug Than Alcohol. I'll Prove It To You. You're At A Ball Game Or A Concert, And Someone's Really Violent And Agressive And Obnoxious, Are They Drunk Or Are They Smoking Pot?

And I'm Not Getting Laid! What Am I Doing Wrong?

I'm Tired Of This Back-slappin' "isn't Humanity Neat" Bullshit. We're A Virus With Shoes.

...love Rather Than Fear...this Radical Philosophy Is Coming From Me, An Avowed Misanthrope...surely There Is Hope For Us All.

Sometimes You Feel In Control, And It's Great, But Sometimes You Just Don't Feel In Control And You Really Have To Struggle To Get Laughs.

How Many Of Y'all Wondered, Like I Did, During The La Riots When Those People Were Being Pulled Out Of Their Trucks And Beaten Half To Death - Step On The F***ing Gas, Man! They're On Foot, You're In A Truck - I Think I See A Way Out Of This.

They Believe The Bible Is The Exact Word Of God - Then They Change The Bible! Pretty Presumptuous, Hu Huh? "i Think What God Meant To Say..."

While I've Found Many Of The Religious Shows I've Viewed Over The Years Not To Be To My Liking, Or In Line With My Own Beliefs, I've Never Considered It My Place To Exert Any Greater Type Of Censorship Than Changing The Channel, Or Better Yet - Turning Off The Tv Completely.

Freedom Of Speech

To Me Pornography Is...spending All Your Money And Not Educating The People In America, But Spending It Instead On Weapons.

What Did Moths Bump Into Before The Electric Light Bulb Was Invented? Boy, The Lightbulb Really Screwed The Moth Up Didn't It? Are There Moths On Their Way To The Sun Now Going, It's Gonna Be Worth It!.

The Puppet On The Right Shares My Beliefs, The Puppet On The Left Is More To My Liking. Hey...there's One Guy Holding Up Both!

You're Not A Human Till You're In My Phone Book. There. My Hat Is Now In The Political Ring.

You Know What I Hate About Working? Bosses...the Very Idea That Anyone Could Be My Boss, Well...i Think You See The Conflict.

There Is A 3rd Point Of View On The Gun Control Issue - Those Who I Refer To As The Victims - But They Remain Strangely Silent.

I Don't Identify With Anyone Historically, But There Are Several People In The Future Who I Am A Dead Ringer For.

Laughter Makes The Bitter Swallowing Of Truth, For Some, A Little Easier.

So, It's Good To Be Here, Wherever I Am.

I Never Got Along With My Dad. Kids Used To Come Up To Me And Say, 'my Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad.' I'd Say 'yeah? When?'

I Smoke To Fill The Potholes In My Soul

Are Gun Rights Advocates Arguing That Roving Gangs...shooting Innocent Bystanders Constitutes A 'well-regulated Militia'?

We Killed 6 Innocent People, Launching 22, I Think $3 Million Apiece Missiles On Baghdad...that's A Little Bit Overdoing It.

You Know All The Money We Spend On Nuclear Weapons And Defence Every Year? Trillions Of Dollars? Correct? Trillions. Instead, If We Spent That Money Feeding And Clothing The Poor Of The World,which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, Not One, We Could, As One Race, Explore Outer Space Together In Peace Forever

Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.

The Waitress Comes Over To Me Like, 'what'chu Readin' For?' I Had Never Been Asked That. Not 'what Am I Reading?' But 'what Am I Reading For?' Goddammit, You Stumped Me. Hmm, Why Do I Read? I Suppose I Read For A Lot Of Reasons, One Of The Main Ones Being So I Don't End Up Being A... Waffle Waitress.

It's My Object To Be Stared At Like A Dog That's Just Been Shown A Card Trick.

I Was A Weekend Drinker...i'd Start On Saturday, End On Friday...thought I Was Controlling It...but I Don't Drink Any More.

I Don't Get Along With Anything, I Really Don't...i'm, I'm, Maybe I'm Just A, You Know, Incredibly Tasteful Human Being.

Let Me Tell You About Gays In The Military. I Don't Want Any Gay People Hanging Around Me While I'm Killing Kids. I Just Don't Want To See It.

People Say To Me, Hey, Bill, The War Made Us Feel Better About Ourselves. Really? What Kind Of People Are These With Such Low Self-esteem That They Need A War To Feel Better About Themselves? May I Suggest, Instead Of A War To Feel Better About Yourself, Perhaps... Sit-ups? Maybe A Fruit Cup? Eight Glasses Of Water A Day?

You All Saw Him - He Had A Gun.

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assassination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It.

People In The United Kingdom And Outside The United States Share My Bemusement With The United States That America Doesn't Share With Itself.

We're Supposed To Keep Evolving. Evolution Did Not End With Us Growing Opposable Thumbs. You Do Know That, Right?

Revolutionary Ideas

People Tell Me, 'bill, Let It Go. The Kennedy Assassination Was Years Ago. It Was Just The Assassination Of A President And The Hijacking Of Our Government By A Totalitarian Regime - Who Cares? Just Let It Go.' I Say, 'all Right Then. That Whole Jesus Thing? Let It Go! It Was 2,000 Years Ago! Who Cares?'

Be Yourself On Stage. Nobody Else Can Be You And You Have The Law Of Supply And Demand Covered.

I Wouldn't Give Satan A Snowball's Chance In Hell Against A Woman's Ego.

No One Can Give You Any Answers. There Aren't Any. You Have To Discover For Yourself-you Must Learn To Navigate The Mystery.

I Think It's Interesting How People Act On Their Beliefs. A Lot Of Christians, For Instance, Wear Crosses Around Their Necks. Nice Sentiment, But Do You Think When Jesus Comes Back, He's Really Going To Want To Look At A Cross?

Yesterday, Some Hooligans Knocked Over A Dustbin In Shaftesbury.

I Left In Love, In Laughter, And In Truth, And Wherever Truth, Love And Laughter Abide, I Am There In Spirit.

Revolutionary Ideas

A Lotta Christians Wear Crosses 'round Their Necks; Do You Think If Jesus Comes Back He Ever Wants To See Another Cross?

I Was In A Cab In New York. The Cab Had A Sign, "please Do Not Smoke, Christ Is Our Unseen Guest." This Guy Was Reaching. I Figure, If He Could Overcome Being Nailed To A Cross, I Don't Think A Marlboro Light's Gonna Faze Him That Much.

It's Really Weird How Your Life Changes. Tonight I'm Drinking Water. Four Years Ago? Opium. Night And Day, You Know?

People Are Bringing Shotguns To Ufo Sightings...brings A Whole New Meaning To That Phrase 'you Ain't From Around Here, Ar'ya?'

The Voice Of Reason Is In Us All...and Everyone Can Recognize It Because It Makes Sense And Everyone Benefits From It Equally.

Listen, The Next Revolution Is Gonna Be A Revolution Of Ideas.

Revolutionary Ideas

We'll See Who Believes In Me Now. I Am The Prankster God - I Am Killing Me!

I'm A Heavy Smoker. I Go Through Two Lighters A Day.

You Watch The News These Days? It's Unbelievable. You Think You Just Walk Out Your Door, You're Immediately Gonna Be Raped By Some Crack-addicted, Aids-infected Pitbull.

I Am Available For Children's Parties, By The Way.

We Really Are All One....this Is The Very Philosophy That Has Kept Me Virtually Anonymous In America For Fifteen Years.

I Find It Ironic That People Who Are Against Things That Cause Sexual Thoughts Are Generally Fundamentalist Christians Who Also Believe You Should Be Fruitful And Multiply.

England, Where No One Has Guns: 14 Deaths. United States...23,000 Deaths From Handguns. But - There's No Connection.

That's Starting To Depress Me About Ufos. The Fact That They Cross Galaxies...and Always End Up In Places Like Fyfe, Alabama.

The World Is Like A Ride In An Amusement Park. And When You Choose To Go On It You Think It's Real Because That's How Powerful Our Minds Are. And The Ride Goes Up And Down And Round And Round. It Has Thrills And Chills And It's Very Brightly Coloured And It's Very Loud And It's Fun, For A While. Some People Have Been On The Ride For A Long Time And They Begin To Question: "is This Real, Or Is This Just A Ride?" And Other People Have Remembered, And They Come Back To Us, They Say, "hey, Don't Worry, Don't Be Afraid, Ever, Because This Is Just A Ride." And We Kill Those People.

All Day Long You See Those Commercials: 'here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and The Next Commercial Is: 'this Bud's For You.'

I Love Talking About Kennedy Assassination...a Great Archetypal Example Of How Totalitarian Government...sorry, Wrong Meeting.

You Think When Jesus Comes Back, He Really Wants To See A Cross? That's Like Going Up To Jackie Onassis With A Rifle Pendant On.

I'm Just Skin Covering Coffee And Some Real Nervous Teeth.

I Wish I Could Meet A Christian Who Would Proselytize To Me, But They Keep Running Away From Me. I Wanna Talk To You All.

I Just Have One Of Those Faces. People Come Up To Me And Say, 'what's Wrong?' Nothing. 'well, It Takes More Energy To Frown Than It Does To Smile.' Yeah, You Know It Takes More Energy To Point That Out Than It Does To Leave Me Alone?

I Go To Dance Clubs...about Once A Year Just To Justify The Other 364 Days I Spend In My Apartment Going 'god, What Idiots!'

No One Knows What It's Like ... To Be A Dustbin ... In Shaftesbury ... With Hooligans.

Keith Richards Outlived Jim Fixx, The Runner And Health-nut Dude. The Plot Thickens.

I'm Not Into Those Kind Of Rivalries. I Remember Standing Out In Front Of Stratford, Minding My Own Business. Carload Of About Eighty Kids Would Pull Up: 'stratford Sucks!' Am I Supposed To Run After These Guys? I'd Just Stand There, You Know. They'd Back Up. 'stratford Sucks! ...stratford Sucks!' I'd Say, 'i Know. I Go There. You're Wasting Gas, Man.

Go Back To Bed America, Your Government Is In Control Again. Go Back To Bed America... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You... You Are Free To Do As We Tell You.

I Can Speak For Every Guy In This Room Here Tonight. Guys, If You Could Blow Yourselves, Ladies, You'd Be In This Room Alone Right Now. Watching An Empty Stage.

...i Just Want To Be Free Of The Fears And Anxieties And The Superstitions Of Religion. An 'avenging God'? One Who Created Hell For Those Who Don't Believe? I Thought We Were The Perfect And Holy Children Of God? How Could Any Limits Possibly Be Put Upon Us? Hell.. Really? I'm Sorry, But... No. Wrong. You're Wrong. That's An Insane God And Therefore Not Mine. Because, See, God Would Be Very Sane, Don't You Get It?

I Am A Misanthropic Humanist... Do I Like People? They're Great, In Theory.

In Australia...they Celebrate Easter The Same...by Telling Our Children A Giant Bunny Rabbit...left Chocolate Eggs In The Night

The War On Drugs To Me Is Absolutely Phoney, Its So Obviously Phoney, Ok? It's A War Against Our Civil Rights, That's All It Is. They're Using It To Make Us Afraid To Go Out At Night, Afraid Of Each Other, So That We Lock Ourselves In Our Homes And They Get Suspending Our Rights One By One.

What Are You Reading For?

I'm Glad Mushrooms Are Against The Law, Because I Took Them One Time, And You Know What Happened To Me? I Laid In A Field Of Green Grass For Four Hours Going, "my God! I Love Everything." Yeah, Now If That Isn't A Hazard To Our Country... How Are We Gonna Justify Arms Dealing When We Realize That We're All One?

What's Gonna Happen To The Arms Industry When We Realize We're All One. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! It's Gonna Fuck Up The Economy! The Economy That's Fake Anyway! Ha Ha Ha! Which Would Be A Real Bummer. You Know. You Can See Why The Government's Cracking Down... On The Idea Of Experiencing Unconditional Love, Ah.

We Are The Facilitators Of Our Own Creative Evolution.

So Scary Watching The News...like Iraq...could Ever Under Any Stretch Of The Imagination Be Any Threat To Us Whatsoever.

I Believe We All Have The Voice Of Reason Inside Us...to Gently Lead Us Out Of Our Own Self-created Hells.

I'll Tell You How To Solve This Abortion Thing...those Unwanted Babies...? Leave About 12 Of Them On The Supreme Court Steps.

It's Always Funny Until Someone Gets Hurt. Then It's Just Hilarious.

Sometimes My Dad Even Gets On This Kick--'you Hate This Country'....i Have To Tell Him...i Just Hate Being Lied To.

Watching Television Is Like Taking Black Spray Paint To Your Third Eye.

If You Want To Understand A Society, Take A Good Look At The Drugs It Uses. And What Can This Tell You About American Culture? Well, Look At The Drugs We Use. Except For Pharmaceutical Poison, There Are Essentially Only Two Drugs That Western Civilization Tolerates: Caffeine From Monday To Friday To Energize You Enough To Make You A Productive Member Of Society, And Alcohol From Friday To Monday To Keep You Too Stupid To Figure Out The Prison That You Are Living In.

You Want A Better World...? Legalize Pot Right Now. ...end The Deficit? Legalize Pot Right Now...biggest Cash Crop In America.

You Know We Armed Iraq. I Wondered About That Too, You Know During The Persian Gulf War Those Intelligence Reports Would Come Out: "iraq: Incredible Weapons - Incredible Weapons." How Do You Know That? "uh, Well... We Looked At The Receipts."

Speaking Of Satan, I Was Watching Rush Limbaugh The Other Day.

When Two Or More People Agree On An Issue, I Form On The Other Side.

"smoking May Cause Fetal Injury Or Premature Birth." ... I Found My Brand. Just Don't Get The Ones That Say, "lung Cancer."

The Role Of The Comedian Is To Say 'wait A Minute' When A Consensus Starts To Form.

I...am An Evolved Being Who Deals Solely With The Source Of Light...in All Of Us In Our Own Minds. No Middleman Required.

Nonsmokers--this Is For You And You Only. Ready? Nonsmokers Die Every Day. Sleep Tight.

Your Denial Is Beneath You, And Thanks To The Use Of Hallucinogenic Drugs, I See Through You.

Why Is Pot Against The Law? It Wouldn't Be Because Anyone Can Grow It, And Therefore You Can't Make A Profit Off It, Would It?

I've Said All That I've Had To Say.

But Where Did This Veneration Of Childbirth Come From? I Missed That Meeting. Childbirth Is Wonderful, Childbirth Is A Miracle. Wrong. It's No More A Miracle Than Eating Food And A Turd Coming Out Your Ass.

I Do Not Believe Making Money In Order To Consume Goods Is Mankind's Sole Purpose On This Planet.

I Can't Believe A War Against Drugs When They Have Anti-drug Commercials On Tv All Day Long Followed By This Bud Is For You.

Mister, I Don't Want No Trouble. I Just Came Downtown Here To Get Some Hard Rock Candy For My Kids, Some Gingham For My Wife. I Don't Even Know What Gingham Is, But She Goes Through About Ten Rolls A Week Of That Stuff. I Ain't Looking For No Trouble, Mister.

Eternal Suffering Awaits Anyone Who Questions God's Infinite Love.

Revolutionary Ideas

I've Had Seven Balls Of Light Come Off A Ufo...explain To Me Telepathically We Are All One And There's No Such Thing As Death.

Christianity Has A Built-in Defense System: Anything That Questions A Belief, No Matter How Logical The Argument Is, Is The Work Of Satan By The Very Fact That It Makes You Question A Belief. It's A Very Interesting Defense Mechanism And The Only Way To Get By It -- And Believe Me, I Was Raised Southern Baptist -- Is To Take Massive Amounts Of Mushrooms, Sit In A Field, And Just Go, "show Me.".

I Smoke. If This Bothers Anyone, I Suggest You Look Around At The World In Which We Live And Shut Your F-kin' Mouth.

I Love The Pope, I Love Seeing Him In His Pope-mobile, His Three Feet Of Bullet Proof Plexi-glass. That's Faith In Action Folks! You Know He's Got God On His Side.

I Don't Know What You All Believe, And I Don't Really Care ... But You Have To Admit That Beliefs Are Odd. Lots Of Christians Wear Crosses Around Their Necks ... You Really Think When Jesus Comes Back, He Ever Wants To See A Fucking Cross?

The Best Kind Of Comedy To Me Is When You Make People Laugh At Things They've Never Laughed At, And Also Take A Light Into The Darkened Corners Of People's Minds, Exposing Them To The Light.

You Ever Noticed How People Who Believe In Creationism Look Really Un-evolved? You Ever Noticed That? Eyes Real Close Together, Eyebrow Ridges, Big Furry Hands And Feet. "i Believe God Created Me In One Day". Yeah, Looks Like He Rushed It

It's Not That I Disagreed With Bush's Economic Policy... I Believed He Was A Child Of Satan Here To Destroy The Planet.

Okay, I Got One Word To Ask You, A One Word Question, Ready?

People In The U.k. Share My Bemusement With The United States That America Doesn't Share With Itself. They Have A Sense Of Irony, Which America Doesn't Have, Seeing As It's Being Run By Fundamentalists Who Take Things Literally.

Childbirth Is No More A Miracle Then Eating Food And A Turd Coming Out Of Your Ass.

Btw A 24 Week Old Embryo Is Not A Human Being. You're Not A Human Being Until You're In My Phone Book.

It's You People Dying From Nothing That Are Screwed. I Got All Sorts Of Neat Gadgets Waiting For Me...oxygen Tent, Iron Lung.

Women Priests. Great, Great. Now There's Priests Of Both Sexes I Don't Listen To.

I Believe That There Is An Equality To All Humanity. We All Suck.

Revolutionary Ideas

No, I Don't Do Drugs Anymore, Either. But I'll Tell You Something About Drugs. I Used To Do Drugs, But I'll Tell You Something Honestly About Drugs, Honestly, And I Know It's Not A Very Popular Idea, You Don't Hear It Very Often Anymore, But It Is The Truth: I Had A Great Time Doing Drugs. Sorry. Never Murdered Anyone, Never Robbed Anyone, Never Raped Anyone, Never Beat Anyone, Never Lost A Job, A Car, A House, A Wife Or Kids, Laughed My Ass Off, And Went About My Day.

I Have Something To Tell You Non-smokers That I Know For A Fact That You Don't Know, And I Feel It's My Duty To Pass On Information At All Times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers Die Every Day . . . Enjoy Your Evening. See, I Know That You Entertain This Eternal Life Fantasy Because You've Chosen Not To Smoke, But Let Me Be The 1st To Pop That Bubble And Bring You Hurling Back To Reality . . . You're Dead Too.

Nicotine Patches Are Great. Stick One Over Each Eye And You Can't Find Your Fags.

Cigarette Smoke

I Was Just Down In Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's Really Accurate, You Know, 'cause Oswald's Not In It.

And On The Seventh Day, God Stepped Back And Said And Said, "this Is My Creation, Perfect In Every Way... Oh, Dammit I Left All This Pot All Over The Place. Now They'll Think I Want Them To Smoke It... Now I Have To Create Republicans."

See We Just Had A Misunderstanding. I Thought We Lived In The U.s. Of A., The United States Of America. But Actually We Live In The U.s. Of A., The United States Of Advertising. Freedom Of Expression Is Guaranteed? If You've Got The Money!

As Long As One Person Lives In Darkness Then It Seems To Be A Responsibility To Tell Other People.

Folks, It's Time To Evolve. That's Why We're Troubled. You Know Why Our Institutions Are Failing Us, The Church, The State, Everything's Failing? It's Because, Um - They're No Longer Relevant. We're Supposed To Keep Evolving. Evolution Did Not End With Us Growing Opposable Thumbs. You Do Know That, Right?

Revolutionary Ideas

You Ever Notice That Everyone Who Believes In Creationism Looks Really Un-evolved?

The Whole Image Is That Eternal Suffering Awaits Anyone Who Questions God's Infinite Love. That's The Message We're Brought Up With, Isn't It? Believe Or Die! Thank You, Forgiving Lord, For All Those Options.

Revolutionary Ideas

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

The American Dream Is A Crock. Stop Wanting Everything. Everyone Should Wear Jeans And Have Three T-shirts, Eat Rice And Beans.

Billy Ray Cyrus Does Not Smoke. Michael Bolton Doesn't...paula Abdul Doesn't...there Does Seem To Be A Pattern.

Just One Thing I Know For Sure, Chicks Dig Jerks.

People Always Snap And Think They're Jesus. How Come No One Ever Snaps And Thinks They're Buddha?

Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One. Here's What We Can Do To Change The World, Right Now, To A Better Ride. Take All That Money We Spend On Weapons And Defenses Each Year And Instead Spend It Feeding And Clothing And Educating The Poor Of The World, Which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, And We Could Explore Space, Together, Both Inner And Outer, Forever, In Peace.

Oh Sorry, I Was Taking Life Seriously.

Today A Young Man On Acid Realized That All Matter Is Merely Energy Condensed To A Slow Vibration, That We Are All One Consciousness Experiencing Itself Subjectively, There Is No Such Thing As Death, Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves. Here's Tom With The Weather.

Mummy, I Woke Today And There Was A Lincoln Log In Me Sock Drawer! ... That's The Story Of Jesus.

Pornography Is Any Act That Has No Artistic Merit And Causes Sexual Thoughts...sounds Like Almost Every Commercial On Tv To Me.

And If I Can Take Part In It By Transforming My Own Consciousness, Then Someone Else's, I'm Happy To Do It.

If You Are Living For Tomorrow, You Will Always Be One Day Behind.

Rock Stars Hawking Diet Cokes--are Demons Set Loose On The Earth To Lower The Standards For The Perfect & Holy Children Of God!

I Don't Do Drugs Anymore... Than, Say, The Average Touring Funk Band.

[comedy] Is An Escape From Illusions. The Audience Is...thinking, 'this Bullshit We See And Hear All Day Makes No Sense.'

I've Been On What I Call My Ufo Tour, Which Means, Like Ufos, I Too Have Been Appearing In Small Southern Towns In Front Of A Handful Of Hillbillies Lately.

I Can't Watch Tv Longer Than Five Minutes Without Praying For Nuclear Holocaust.

Revolutionary Ideas

Our Next Cold War Ought To Be With Ourselves...after All, Who Poses The Biggest Danger To The American Environment? We Do.

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Bernard Cornwell

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