Background Image

...

How Many People Disapprove Of The Job The Conservatives Are Doing? Seventy Percent. Of Those Same People, How Many Will Vote For Them Again? ...seventy Percent. What The Fuck? Where Did They Take This Poll, At An S&m Parlor?

-Bill Hicks

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

How Many People Disapprove

Bill Hicks

...

How Many People Disapprove Of The Job The Conservatives Are Doing? Seventy Percent. Of Those Same People, How Many Will Vote For Them Again? ...seventy Percent. What The Fuck? Where Did They Take This Poll, At An S&m Parlor?

Views: 7

Topic

More From Bill Hicks

No, I Don't Do Drugs Anymore, Either. But I'll Tell You Something About Drugs. I Used To Do Drugs, But I'll Tell You Something Honestly About Drugs, Honestly, And I Know It's Not A Very Popular Idea, You Don't Hear It Very Often Anymore, But It Is The Truth: I Had A Great Time Doing Drugs. Sorry. Never Murdered Anyone, Never Robbed Anyone, Never Raped Anyone, Never Beat Anyone, Never Lost A Job, A Car, A House, A Wife Or Kids, Laughed My Ass Off, And Went About My Day.

I'd...bet Enthusiasm For 'ethnic Cleansing' Will Wane If Only Sticks And Rocks Are Available For The Warring Parties.

In Australia...they Celebrate Easter The Same...by Telling Our Children A Giant Bunny Rabbit...left Chocolate Eggs In The Night

I Ascribe To Mark Twain's Theory That The Last Person Who Should Be President Is The One Who Wants It The Most. The One Who Should Be Picked Is The One Who Should Be Dragged Kicking And Screaming Into The White House.

Revolutionary Ideas

...love Rather Than Fear...this Radical Philosophy Is Coming From Me, An Avowed Misanthrope...surely There Is Hope For Us All.

The World's Like A Ride In A Fairground & When You Choose To Go On It You Think It's Real, That's How Powerful Our Minds Are

How About A Positive Lsd Story? Wouldn't That Be News-worthy, Just The Once? To Base Your Decision On Information Rather Than Scare Tactics And Superstition And Lies? I Think It Would Be News-worthy.

To Make Marijuana Against The Law Is Like Saying God Made A Big Mistake.

People Always Snap And Think They're Jesus. How Come No One Ever Snaps And Thinks They're Buddha?

It's Not A War On Drugs, It's A War On Personal Freedom.

Personal Freedom

I...am An Evolved Being Who Deals Solely With The Source Of Light...in All Of Us In Our Own Minds. No Middleman Required.

A Lotta Christians Wear Crosses 'round Their Necks; Do You Think If Jesus Comes Back He Ever Wants To See Another Cross?

I Go To Dance Clubs...about Once A Year Just To Justify The Other 364 Days I Spend In My Apartment Going 'god, What Idiots!'

It's Not That I Disagreed With Bush's Economic Policy... I Believed He Was A Child Of Satan Here To Destroy The Planet.

That's Starting To Depress Me About Ufos. The Fact That They Cross Galaxies...and Always End Up In Places Like Fyfe, Alabama.

Humanity Is Just A Virus With Shoes.

Keith Richards Outlived Jim Fixx, The Runner And Health-nut Dude. The Plot Thickens.

What Do You Say We Lighten Things Up And Talk About Abortion?

I Smoke. If This Bothers Anyone, I Suggest You Look Around At The World In Which We Live And Shut Your F-kin' Mouth.

We Are One With God And He Loves Us. Now If That Isn't A Hazard To This Country-how're We Gonna Keep Building Nuclear Weapons?

I Don't Know What You All Believe, And I Don't Really Care ... But You Have To Admit That Beliefs Are Odd. Lots Of Christians Wear Crosses Around Their Necks ... You Really Think When Jesus Comes Back, He Ever Wants To See A Fucking Cross?

Why Is Marijuana Against The Law? It Grows Naturally Upon Our Planet. Doesn’t The Idea Of Making Nature Against The Law Seem To You A Bit . . . Unnatural?

I Hate Patriotism... I Can't Stand It. It's A Round World Last Time I Checked.

I Just Have One Of Those Faces. People Come Up To Me And Say, 'what's Wrong?' Nothing. 'well, It Takes More Energy To Frown Than It Does To Smile.' Yeah, You Know It Takes More Energy To Point That Out Than It Does To Leave Me Alone?

I Don't Like Anything In The Mainstream And They Don't Like Me.

Revolutionary Ideas

It's Really Weird How Your Life Changes. Tonight I'm Drinking Water. Four Years Ago? Opium. Night And Day, You Know?

I Left In Love, In Laughter, And In Truth, And Wherever Truth, Love And Laughter Abide, I Am There In Spirit.

Revolutionary Ideas

Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One. Here's What We Can Do To Change The World, Right Now, To A Better Ride. Take All That Money We Spend On Weapons And Defenses Each Year And Instead Spend It Feeding And Clothing And Educating The Poor Of The World, Which It Would Pay For Many Times Over, Not One Human Being Excluded, And We Could Explore Space, Together, Both Inner And Outer, Forever, In Peace.

I Can Speak For Every Guy In This Room Here Tonight. Guys, If You Could Blow Yourselves, Ladies, You'd Be In This Room Alone Right Now. Watching An Empty Stage.

Good Comedy Helps People Know They're Not Alone. Great Comedy Provides An Answer.

I Was Over In Australia During Easter, Which Was Really Interesting. You Know, They Celebrate Easter The Exact Same Way We Do, Commemorating The Death And Resurrection Of Jesus By Telling Our Children That A Giant Bunny Rabbit Left Chocolate Eggs In The Night. Now I Wonder Why We're F-ked Up As A Race. I've Read The Bible. I Can't Find The Word "bunny" Or "chocolate" Anywhere In The F-king Book.

The World Is Like A Ride In An Amusement Park. And When You Choose To Go On It You Think It's Real Because That's How Powerful Our Minds Are. And The Ride Goes Up And Down And Round And Round. It Has Thrills And Chills And It's Very Brightly Coloured And It's Very Loud And It's Fun, For A While. Some People Have Been On The Ride For A Long Time And They Begin To Question: "is This Real, Or Is This Just A Ride?" And Other People Have Remembered, And They Come Back To Us, They Say, "hey, Don't Worry, Don't Be Afraid, Ever, Because This Is Just A Ride." And We Kill Those People.

I Don't Care If You're Obscene, Filthy, Horrendous -- As Long As You're Honest.

Marijuana Grows Naturally...don't You Think Making Nature Against The Law Seems A Bit, I Don't Know, Unnatural?

To Me, Texas Is Austin, A Bunch Of Cool People Trying To Make A Difference.

When You're...stepping Over A Guy On The Sidewalk...does It Ever Occur To You To Think, 'wow. Maybe Our System Doesn't Work?'

Billy Ray Cyrus Does Not Smoke. Michael Bolton Doesn't...paula Abdul Doesn't...there Does Seem To Be A Pattern.

It's My Object To Be Stared At Like A Dog That's Just Been Shown A Card Trick.

Why Is Pot Against The Law? It Wouldn't Be Because Anyone Can Grow It, And Therefore You Can't Make A Profit Off It, Would It?

I Never Got Along With My Dad. Kids Used To Come Up To Me And Say, 'my Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad.' I'd Say 'yeah? When?'

Children Are Smarter Than Any Of Us. Know How I Know That? I Don't Know One Child With A Full Time Job And Children.

You Are The Imagination Of Yourself.

Be Yourself On Stage. Nobody Else Can Be You And You Have The Law Of Supply And Demand Covered.

We'll See Who Believes In Me Now. I Am The Prankster God - I Am Killing Me!

They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

The Cia Has A Plot...they've Used Before To Get Rid Of World Leaders. Only Problem...is Convincing Hussein...to Fly To Dallas.

I Wish I Could Meet A Christian Who Would Proselytize To Me, But They Keep Running Away From Me. I Wanna Talk To You All.

I Saw A Sign On The Side Of The Road In Tennessee Once That Said 'dirt For Sale'... What A Great Country We Live In. Dirt For Sale. How Would You Like To Get Inside That Guy's Mind And Look Around For A Hour? That Guy Sees Opportunity At Every Glance, Doesn't He?

Mummy, I Woke Today And There Was A Lincoln Log In Me Sock Drawer! ... That's The Story Of Jesus.

I'm Not Into Those Kind Of Rivalries. I Remember Standing Out In Front Of Stratford, Minding My Own Business. Carload Of About Eighty Kids Would Pull Up: 'stratford Sucks!' Am I Supposed To Run After These Guys? I'd Just Stand There, You Know. They'd Back Up. 'stratford Sucks! ...stratford Sucks!' I'd Say, 'i Know. I Go There. You're Wasting Gas, Man.

Speaking Of Satan, I Was Watching Rush Limbaugh The Other Day.

People Tell Me, 'bill, Let It Go. The Kennedy Assassination Was Years Ago. It Was Just The Assassination Of A President And The Hijacking Of Our Government By A Totalitarian Regime - Who Cares? Just Let It Go.' I Say, 'all Right Then. That Whole Jesus Thing? Let It Go! It Was 2,000 Years Ago! Who Cares?'

I Get A Kick Out Of Being An Outsider Constantly. It Allows Me To Be Creative.

Revolutionary Ideas

It's Hard To Have A Relationship In This Business...it's Gonna Take A Very Special Woman...or A Bunch Of Average Ones.

When Two Or More People Agree On An Issue, I Form On The Other Side.

Why Do We Put People Who Are On Drugs In Jail? They're Sick, They're Not Criminals. Sick People Don't Get Healed In Prison. You See? It Makes No Sense.

I Wouldn't Give Satan A Snowball's Chance In Hell Against A Woman's Ego.

They Tell Us "rock'n'roll Is The Devil's Music." Well, Let's Say We Know That Rock Is The Devil's Music, And We Know That It Is, For Sure ... At Least He F-kin' Jams! If It's A Choice Between Eternal Hell And Good Tunes, And Eternal Heaven And New Kids On The F-kin' Block ... I'm Gonna Be Surfin' On The Lake Of Fire, Rockin' Out.

I Was Always 'awake'...some Part Of Me Clamoring For New Insights And New Ways To Make The World A Better Place.

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assassination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It.

In The Beginning God Created The Heavans And The Earth... See You At The Final.

There Is A 3rd Point Of View On The Gun Control Issue - Those Who I Refer To As The Victims - But They Remain Strangely Silent.

I Loved When Bush Came Out And Said, 'we Are Losing The War Against Drugs.' You Know What That Implies? There's A War Being Fought, And The People On Drugs Are Winning It.

All Governments Are Lying Cocksuckers.

I Love Talking About The Kennedy Assasination. The Reason I Do Is Because I'm Fascinated By It. I'm Fascinated That Our Government Could Lie To Us So Blatantly, So Obviously For So Long, And We Do Absolutely Nothing About It. I Think That's Interesting In What Is Ostensibly A Democracy. Sarcasm - Come On In. People Say Bill, Quit Talking About Kennedy Man. It Was A Long Time Ago, Just Let It Go, Alright? It's A Long Time Ago, Just Forget It. I'm Like, Alright, Then Don't Bring Up Jesus To Me. As Long As We're Talking Shelf Life Here.

And If I Can Take Part In It By Transforming My Own Consciousness, Then Someone Else's, I'm Happy To Do It.

You Ever Notice That Everyone Who Believes In Creationism Looks Really Un-evolved?

Why Is Marijuana Against The Law? It Grows Naturally On Our Planet, Serves A Thousand Different Functions, All Of Them Positive. To Make Marijuana Against The Law Is Like Saying That God Made A Mistake.

I've Said All That I've Had To Say.

We Really Are All One....this Is The Very Philosophy That Has Kept Me Virtually Anonymous In America For Fifteen Years.

The American Dream Is A Crock. Stop Wanting Everything. Everyone Should Wear Jeans And Have Three T-shirts, Eat Rice And Beans.

I Have Something To Tell You Non-smokers That I Know For A Fact That You Don't Know, And I Feel It's My Duty To Pass On Information At All Times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers Die Every Day . . . Enjoy Your Evening. See, I Know That You Entertain This Eternal Life Fantasy Because You've Chosen Not To Smoke, But Let Me Be The 1st To Pop That Bubble And Bring You Hurling Back To Reality . . . You're Dead Too.

How Come People Always Flip And Think They're Jesus? Why Not Buddha? Particularly In America, Where More People Resemble Buddha Than Jesus. 'ah'm Buddha!' 'you're Bubba!' 'ah'm Buddha Now..all I Gotta Do Is Change 3 Letters On Ma Belt.

Rock Stars Against Drugs--that's What We Want, Isn't It? Government-approved Rock-n-roll? Woo! We're Partying Now!

Women Priests. Great, Great. Now There's Priests Of Both Sexes I Don't Listen To.

I Can't Believe A War Against Drugs When They Have Anti-drug Commercials On Tv All Day Long Followed By This Bud Is For You.

You Watch The News These Days? It's Unbelievable. You Think You Just Walk Out Your Door, You're Immediately Gonna Be Raped By Some Crack-addicted, Aids-infected Pitbull.

It Is Hard To Quit Smoking. Every One Of Them Looks Real Good To Me Right About Now. Every Cigarette Looks Like It Was Made By God, Rolled By Jesus And Moistened Shut With Claudia Schiffer's Pussy.

The War On Drugs To Me Is Absolutely Phoney, Its So Obviously Phoney, Ok? It's A War Against Our Civil Rights, That's All It Is. They're Using It To Make Us Afraid To Go Out At Night, Afraid Of Each Other, So That We Lock Ourselves In Our Homes And They Get Suspending Our Rights One By One.

And On The Seventh Day, God Stepped Back And Said And Said, "this Is My Creation, Perfect In Every Way... Oh, Dammit I Left All This Pot All Over The Place. Now They'll Think I Want Them To Smoke It... Now I Have To Create Republicans."

Rock Stars Hawking Diet Cokes--are Demons Set Loose On The Earth To Lower The Standards For The Perfect & Holy Children Of God!

Just A Simple Choice, Right Now, Between Fear And Love. The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love Instead See All Of Us As One.

Are Gun Rights Advocates Arguing That Roving Gangs...shooting Innocent Bystanders Constitutes A 'well-regulated Militia'?

I Believe It Is Our Own Misperceptions Of Who We Really Are That Leads To Every Self-created Hell You'll Find In This World.

I Don't Do Drugs Anymore... Than, Say, The Average Touring Funk Band.

'where's Bill Going?' He's Going To Comedy Death. Boom! He Pops Out Of It With Another Joke. It's My Particular Style.

I'll Smoke, I'll Cough, I'll Get The Tumors, I'll Die, Deal? Thank You America. [salutes]

How Many Of Y'all Wondered, Like I Did, During The La Riots When Those People Were Being Pulled Out Of Their Trucks And Beaten Half To Death - Step On The F***ing Gas, Man! They're On Foot, You're In A Truck - I Think I See A Way Out Of This.

But Where Did This Veneration Of Childbirth Come From? I Missed That Meeting. Childbirth Is Wonderful, Childbirth Is A Miracle. Wrong. It's No More A Miracle Than Eating Food And A Turd Coming Out Your Ass.

The Waitress Comes Over To Me Like, 'what'chu Readin' For?' I Had Never Been Asked That. Not 'what Am I Reading?' But 'what Am I Reading For?' Goddammit, You Stumped Me. Hmm, Why Do I Read? I Suppose I Read For A Lot Of Reasons, One Of The Main Ones Being So I Don't End Up Being A... Waffle Waitress.

Folks, It's Time To Evolve. That's Why We're Troubled. You Know Why Our Institutions Are Failing Us, The Church, The State, Everything's Failing? It's Because, Um - They're No Longer Relevant. We're Supposed To Keep Evolving. Evolution Did Not End With Us Growing Opposable Thumbs. You Do Know That, Right?

Revolutionary Ideas

God Has This...hobby. He Creates Perfection. This World Is Not Perfect. We Have To Learn To Separate Illusions From Reality.

I'm Just Skin Covering Coffee And Some Real Nervous Teeth.

Christianity Has A Built-in Defense System: Anything That Questions A Belief, No Matter How Logical The Argument Is, Is The Work Of Satan By The Very Fact That It Makes You Question A Belief. It's A Very Interesting Defense Mechanism And The Only Way To Get By It -- And Believe Me, I Was Raised Southern Baptist -- Is To Take Massive Amounts Of Mushrooms, Sit In A Field, And Just Go, "show Me.".

I Used To Drink, I Did, I Had To Quit. Man, I Was An Embarrassing Drunk. I'd Get Pulled Over By The Cops, I'd Be So Drunk I'd Be Out Dancing To Their Lights Thinking I'd Made It To Another Club.

I'm Very Tired Of Staring Out Into Your Vacant Faces Looking Back At Me. Wanting To Fill Your Empty Lives With Humor You Couldn't Possibly Think Of Yourself... Good Evening!

People Often Ask Me Where I Stand Politically. It's Not That I Disagree With Bush's Economic Policy Or His Foreign Policy, It's That I Believe He Was A Child Of Satan Sent Here To Destroy The Planet Earth. Little To The Left.

No One Can Give You Any Answers. There Aren't Any. You Have To Discover For Yourself-you Must Learn To Navigate The Mystery.

And I'm Not Getting Laid! What Am I Doing Wrong?

I'm Sorry If Any Of You Are Catholic. I'm Not Sorry If You're Offended, I'm Actually Just Sorry By The Fact That You're Catholic.

We Are Losing The 'war On Drugs,' Which Means There's A War Going On And People On Drugs Are Winning It.

I've Had Seven Balls Of Light Come Off A Ufo...explain To Me Telepathically We Are All One And There's No Such Thing As Death.

We Are The Facilitators Of Our Own Creative Evolution.

Shut Up! Go Back To Bed, America. Your Government Is In Control. Here's Love Connection. Watch This And Get Fat And Stupid.

I'm Tired Of This Back-slappin' "isn't Humanity Neat" Bullshit. We're A Virus With Shoes.

The Eyes Of Fear Want You To Put Bigger Locks On Your Doors, Buy Guns, Close Yourself Off. The Eyes Of Love, Instead, See All Of Us As One.

That's What I Hate About The War On Drugs. All Day Long We See Those Commercials: "here's Your Brain, Here's Your Brain On Drugs", "just Say No", "why Do You Think They Call It Dope?" … And Then The Next Commercial Is [singing] "this Bud's For Yooouuuu." C'mon, Everybody, Let's Be Hypocritical Bastards. It's Okay To Drink Your Drug. We Meant Those Other Drugs. Those Untaxed Drugs. Those Are The Ones That Are Bad For You.

I Think It's Interesting How People Act On Their Beliefs. A Lot Of Christians, For Instance, Wear Crosses Around Their Necks. Nice Sentiment, But Do You Think When Jesus Comes Back, He's Really Going To Want To Look At A Cross?

People In The United Kingdom And Outside The United States Share My Bemusement With The United States That America Doesn't Share With Itself.

What Kind Of People Are These With Such Low Self-esteem That They Need A War To Feel Better About Themselves?

Any Organization Created Out Of Fear Must Create Fear To Survive.

People Are Bringing Shotguns To Ufo Sightings In Fife, Alabama. I Asked A Guy, "why Do You Bring A Gun To A Ufo Sighting?" Guy Said, "way-ul, We Didn' Wanna Be Ab-duc-ted." If I Lived In Fife, Alabama, I Would Be On My Hands And Knees Every Night Praying For Abduction.

What's Gonna Happen To The Arms Industry When We Realize We're All One. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! It's Gonna Fuck Up The Economy! The Economy That's Fake Anyway! Ha Ha Ha! Which Would Be A Real Bummer. You Know. You Can See Why The Government's Cracking Down... On The Idea Of Experiencing Unconditional Love, Ah.

You Think When Jesus Comes Back, He Really Wants To See A Cross? That's Like Going Up To Jackie Onassis With A Rifle Pendant On.

While I've Found Many Of The Religious Shows I've Viewed Over The Years Not To Be To My Liking, Or In Line With My Own Beliefs, I've Never Considered It My Place To Exert Any Greater Type Of Censorship Than Changing The Channel, Or Better Yet - Turning Off The Tv Completely.

Freedom Of Speech

I Do Not Believe Making Money In Order To Consume Goods Is Mankind’s Sole Purpose On This Planet. If You’re Wondering What I Believe Our Purpose On This Planet Is, I’ll Give You A Hint... It Has To Do With Creating And Sharing.

We're Supposed To Keep Evolving. Evolution Did Not End With Us Growing Opposable Thumbs. You Do Know That, Right?

Revolutionary Ideas

I Was In A Cab In New York. The Cab Had A Sign, "please Do Not Smoke, Christ Is Our Unseen Guest." This Guy Was Reaching. I Figure, If He Could Overcome Being Nailed To A Cross, I Don't Think A Marlboro Light's Gonna Faze Him That Much.

Supreme Court Says Pornography Is Anything Without Artistic Merit That Causes Sexual Thoughts, That's Their Definition, Essentially. No Artistic Merit, Causes Sexual Thoughts. Hmm... Sounds Like... Every Commercial On Television, Doesn't It? You Know, When I See Those Two Twins On That Doublemint Commercial? I'm Not Thinking Of Gum. I Am Thinking Of Chewing, So Maybe That's The Connection They're Trying To Make.

Courtroom For Ted Bundy's Trial Is Packed With Women, Trying To Meet Him And Give Him Love Letters And Wedding-fucking-proposals...and The First Thought That Enters My Mind Is, "and I'm Not Getting Laid." What Am I Doing Wrong?

Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.

Do I Have A Message? Yes, I Do. Here's My Message: As Scary As The World Is – And It Is – It Is Merely A Ride ...

I Need My Sleep. I Need About Eight Hours A Day, And About Ten At Night.

I Believe We All Have The Voice Of Reason Inside Us...to Gently Lead Us Out Of Our Own Self-created Hells.

To Me Pornography Is...spending All Your Money And Not Educating The People In America, But Spending It Instead On Weapons.

So Scary Watching The News...like Iraq...could Ever Under Any Stretch Of The Imagination Be Any Threat To Us Whatsoever.

Not All Drugs Are Good.. Some Of Them Are Great

The Puppet On The Right Shares My Beliefs, The Puppet On The Left Is More To My Liking. Hey...there's One Guy Holding Up Both!

You Know What I Hate About Working? Bosses...the Very Idea That Anyone Could Be My Boss, Well...i Think You See The Conflict.

They Proved That If You Quit Smoking, It Will Prolong Your Life. What They Haven't Proved Is That A Prolonged Life Is A Good Thing. I Haven't Seen The Stats On That Yet.

I'm An American Who Loves An America Which Doesn't Exist, Which Is A Land Of Freedom And Free Ideas.

I Smoke To Fill The Potholes In My Soul

I Don't Mean To Sound Bitter, Cold, Or Cruel, But I Am, So That's How It Comes Out.

The Role Of The Comedian Is To Say 'wait A Minute' When A Consensus Starts To Form.

It's You People Dying From Nothing That Are Screwed. I Got All Sorts Of Neat Gadgets Waiting For Me...oxygen Tent, Iron Lung.

I'm Glad Mushrooms Are Against The Law, Because I Took Them One Time, And You Know What Happened To Me? I Laid In A Field Of Green Grass For Four Hours Going, "my God! I Love Everything." Yeah, Now If That Isn't A Hazard To Our Country... How Are We Gonna Justify Arms Dealing When We Realize That We're All One?

I've Been On What I Call My Ufo Tour, Which Means, Like Ufos, I Too Have Been Appearing In Small Southern Towns In Front Of A Handful Of Hillbillies Lately.

Yesterday, Some Hooligans Knocked Over A Dustbin In Shaftesbury.

The Voice Of Reason Is In Us All...and Everyone Can Recognize It Because It Makes Sense And Everyone Benefits From It Equally.

If You Are Living For Tomorrow, You Will Always Be One Day Behind.

Would You Let The Aliens Land, Please? They Might Be Here To Pick Me Up.

I Am A Misanthropic Humanist... Do I Like People? They're Great, In Theory.

Right Foot, Left Foot, Hemorrhage.

I Find It Ironic That People Who Are Against Things That Cause Sexual Thoughts Are Generally Fundamentalist Christians Who Also Believe You Should Be Fruitful And Multiply.

It's An Insane World, And I'm Proud To Be A Part Of It.

I'll Tell You How To Solve This Abortion Thing...those Unwanted Babies...? Leave About 12 Of Them On The Supreme Court Steps.

Music Is A Great Energizer. It's A Language Everybody Knows.

What Before Seemed A...frustrating Wall, The Comic Deftly And Fearlessly Steps Through, Proving The Absurdity Of It All.

I Was A Weekend Drinker...i'd Start On Saturday, End On Friday...thought I Was Controlling It...but I Don't Drink Any More.

I, Like All Artists In Western Cultures, Am A Shaman...come In The Guise Of A Comic...to Heal Perception By Using...'jokes'.

Western Culture

Will There Be Titty? Sure. Boom! I'm A Producer. Where You Been All Our Life, Boy? We Been Lookin For You In Hollywood.

If I Thought The Jews Killed God, I'd Worship The Jews.

All Your Beliefs, They're Just That. They're Nothing. They're How You Were Taught And Raised. That Doesn't Make 'em Real.

"smoking May Cause Fetal Injury Or Premature Birth." ... I Found My Brand. Just Don't Get The Ones That Say, "lung Cancer."

....all Drugs Should Be Legal. War Is Wrong. The Rich Get Richer. The Poor Get Poorer. Thank You. I'll Be Here All Week.

What Strikes Me As Funny About Elvis Is That All The Impersonators Choose To Do The Vegas Elvis; Not The Young, Cool Guy, Always The Bloated Fool.

I Was In Australia....lotta Leg Room Down Under. Apartments: Dollar A Month. 2000-acre Den....think Of The Parties.

What Did Moths Bump Into Before The Electric Light Bulb Was Invented? Boy, The Lightbulb Really Screwed The Moth Up Didn't It? Are There Moths On Their Way To The Sun Now Going, It's Gonna Be Worth It!.

This Is Where We Are At Right Now, As A Whole. No One Is Left Out Of The Loop. We Are Experiencing A Reality Based On A Thin Veneer Of Lies And Illusions. A World Where Greed Is Our God And Wisdom Is Sin, Where Division Is Key And Unity Is Fantasy, Where The Ego-driven Cleverness Of The Mind Is Praised, Rather Than The Intelligence Of The Heart.

Sometimes My Dad Even Gets On This Kick--'you Hate This Country'....i Have To Tell Him...i Just Hate Being Lied To.

The Definition Of Black Irony Is Pro-lifers Killing Doctors Who Do Abortions

Pot Is A Better Drug Than Alcohol. I'll Prove It To You. You're At A Ball Game Or A Concert, And Someone's Really Violent And Agressive And Obnoxious, Are They Drunk Or Are They Smoking Pot?

Oh My God. Lift Me Up Out Of This Illusion, Lord. Heal My Perception That I Might Know Only Reality And Only You.

It's All About Money, Not Freedom. If You Think You're Free, Try Going Somewhere Without Money, Okay?

You Want A Better World...? Legalize Pot Right Now. ...end The Deficit? Legalize Pot Right Now...biggest Cash Crop In America.

Nonsmokers--this Is For You And You Only. Ready? Nonsmokers Die Every Day. Sleep Tight.

We Killed 6 Innocent People, Launching 22, I Think $3 Million Apiece Missiles On Baghdad...that's A Little Bit Overdoing It.

Man, The Beatles Were So High, They Let Ringo Sing A Coupla Tunes. Tell Me They Weren't Partyin'.

My Voice Was Not Heard, The Questions Were Not Asked That I Wanted To See Asked.

I Do Not Believe Making Money In Order To Consume Goods Is Mankind's Sole Purpose On This Planet.

I Can't Watch Tv Longer Than Five Minutes Without Praying For Nuclear Holocaust.

Revolutionary Ideas

You Know We Armed Iraq. I Wondered About That Too, You Know During The Persian Gulf War Those Intelligence Reports Would Come Out: "iraq: Incredible Weapons - Incredible Weapons." How Do You Know That? "uh, Well... We Looked At The Receipts."

I Guess What Surprised Me The Most Was The Discrepancy In Casualties: Iraq, One Hundred Fifty Thousand Casualties, Usa: Seventy-nine! Let's Go Over Those Numbers Again, They're A Little Baffling At First: Iraq: 150,000, Usa: 79. Does That Mean We Could Have Won With Only 80 Guys There? Just One Guy In A Ticker-tape Parade, "i Did It! Hey!"

You're Not A Human Till You're In My Phone Book. There. My Hat Is Now In The Political Ring.

Isn't That Weird, We've Made Nature Against The Law. That's How Un-natural We've Become.

Nicotine Patches Are Great. Stick One Over Each Eye And You Can't Find Your Fags.

Cigarette Smoke

Life Is Only A Dream, And We Are The Imagination Of Ourselves.

Revolutionary Ideas

People Say To Me, Hey, Bill, The War Made Us Feel Better About Ourselves. Really? What Kind Of People Are These With Such Low Self-esteem That They Need A War To Feel Better About Themselves? May I Suggest, Instead Of A War To Feel Better About Yourself, Perhaps... Sit-ups? Maybe A Fruit Cup? Eight Glasses Of Water A Day?

Oh Sorry, I Was Taking Life Seriously.

Is It Impossible To Imagine Americans Sneaking Into Mexico En Masse, Seeking Regular Employment And A Better Way Of Life?

The Whole Image Is That Eternal Suffering Awaits Anyone Who Questions God's Infinite Love. That's The Message We're Brought Up With, Isn't It? Believe Or Die! Thank You, Forgiving Lord, For All Those Options.

Revolutionary Ideas

Let's Do Some Comedy. I Always Like To Add Some Comedy To My Show. Those Who've Seen Me Before Might Know That.

Our Next Cold War Ought To Be With Ourselves...after All, Who Poses The Biggest Danger To The American Environment? We Do.

I Began Working Quite Young, Writing, Growing, Maturing, Always Striving To Top Myself - To Make People Laugh Hard At Things They Know And Believe Deep In Their Hearts To Be True.

I Used To Love To Call L.a. When I Lived In New York... Is That The Big One I Hear In The Background? Bye, You Lizard Scum! Bye!

It's Always Funny Until Someone Gets Hurt. Then It's Just Hilarious.

...i Just Want To Be Free Of The Fears And Anxieties And The Superstitions Of Religion. An 'avenging God'? One Who Created Hell For Those Who Don't Believe? I Thought We Were The Perfect And Holy Children Of God? How Could Any Limits Possibly Be Put Upon Us? Hell.. Really? I'm Sorry, But... No. Wrong. You're Wrong. That's An Insane God And Therefore Not Mine. Because, See, God Would Be Very Sane, Don't You Get It?

No One Knows What It's Like ... To Be A Dustbin ... In Shaftesbury ... With Hooligans.

That's Why I Always Recommend A Psychedelic Experience Because It Makes You Realize That All You've Learned Is In Fact Just Learned And Not Necessarily The Truth.

I Believe The Cost Of Life Is Death And We Will All Pay That In Full. Everything Else Should Be A Gift.

I Believe That The Bible Is The Literal Word Of God. And I Say No, It's Not, Dad. Well, I Believe That It Is. Well, You Know, Some People Believe They're Napoleon. That's Fine. Beliefs Are Neat. Cherish Them, But Don't Share Them Like They're The Truth.

Mister, I Don't Want No Trouble. I Just Came Downtown Here To Get Some Hard Rock Candy For My Kids, Some Gingham For My Wife. I Don't Even Know What Gingham Is, But She Goes Through About Ten Rolls A Week Of That Stuff. I Ain't Looking For No Trouble, Mister.

Well We Looked At All The People In The Bible And We Added 'em Up All The Way Back To Adam And Eve, Their Ages: 12,000 Years.

I Am Available For Children's Parties, By The Way.

England, Where No One Has Guns: 14 Deaths. United States...23,000 Deaths From Handguns. But - There's No Connection.

I've Learned A Lot About Women. I Think I've Learned Exactly How The Fall Of Man Occured In The Garden Of Eden. Adam And Eve Were In The Garden Of Eden, And Adam Said One Day, Wow, Eve, Here We Are, At One With Nature, At One With God, We'll Never Age, We'll Never Die, And All Our Dreams Come True The Instant That We Have Them. And Eve Said, Yeah... It's Just Not Enough Is It?

That's What I'm Gonna Do: Quit Gradually...i'm Gonna Lose One Lung; Little While Later I'm Gonna Lose The Other One.

I Love Talking About Kennedy Assassination...a Great Archetypal Example Of How Totalitarian Government...sorry, Wrong Meeting.

Ultimately, It Is In Fun. It Is Supposed To Be Highly Entertaining.

What Does An Atheist Scream When They Come?

Trending Author

Vernon L. Smith

Saffron Burrows

Christian Lacroix

Category