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I Feel That In-person Contact With People Is The Most Important Thing In Comedy. While I'm Up On Stage, I Can Actually Put Myself Into The Audience And Adjust My Pace And Tuning To Them. I Can Get Into Their Heads Through Their Ears And Through Their Eyes. Only Through This Total Communication Can I Really Achieve What I'm Trying To Do.

-Bill Cosby

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I Feel That In-person

Bill Cosby

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I Feel That In-person Contact With People Is The Most Important Thing In Comedy. While I'm Up On Stage, I Can Actually Put Myself Into The Audience And Adjust My Pace And Tuning To Them. I Can Get Into Their Heads Through Their Ears And Through Their Eyes. Only Through This Total Communication Can I Really Achieve What I'm Trying To Do.

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I Have To Follow My Thoughts And Mine For The Gold. I Have To Dig It Out.

God Has A Sense Of Humor Though And He Must See Funny Things In Us. He Must Also Have Some Love. We're Still Here And There Are Still Great Things That Go On. There Are Great Doctors Who Discover How To Separate Twins And How To Put Together A Human Being To Walk Again After It's Said He Won't. Those Are All There As Signs.

People Say "god Will Find A Way." God Can't Find A Way If You're In The Way.

If You Want To Be Seen, Stand Up. If You Want To Be Heard, Speak Up. If You Want To Be Appreciated, Shut Up.

Never Say [to Younger People] "that Was Before Your Time," Because The Last Full Moon Was Before Their Time!

I Think The Part Of Media That Romanticizes Criminal Behavior, Things That A Person Will Say Against Women, Profanity, Being Gangster, Having Multiple Children With Multiple Men And Women And Not Wanting To Is Prevalent. When You Look At The Majority Of Shows On Television They Placate That Kind Of Behavior.

Now, This Is The Fun Part About Getting Stoned. They Get Stoned, Then They Become Paranoid. Now, When They Started Out, They Said, "let's Get High And Have Fun." So They're High; Now They're Paranoid. "am I Falling Out Of This Chair?"

You Know The Only People Who Are Always Sure About The Proper Way To Raise Children? Those Who've Never Had Any.

Every Romance Does Not Lead To Sex.

If You Can Find Humour In Anything, You Can Survive It

Gray Hair Is God's Graffiti.

Let Me Say This: I Only Expect The Black Media To Uphold The Standards Of Excellence In Journalism And When You Do That, You Have To Go In With A Neutral Mind.

It Isn't A Matter Of Black Is Beautiful As Much As It Is White Is Not All That's Beautiful.

A Sail Boat That Sails Backwards Can Never See The Sun Rise.

I Did Not Want To Turn To Playing Golf Because Golf Is About As Much Exercise As Shuffling Cards.

Why Do Kids Always Say Peace Out, I Though Peace Was In.

All Around The United States Of America - In The Cities And The Counties - Our Public Education Is Suffering And Has Been Suffering. Cuts, Cuts, Cuts.

Is The Glass Half Full, Or Half Empty? It Depends On Whether You're Pouring, Or Drinking.

It Is A Warning, Godspeed. It Means You Are No Longer Welcome Here At These Prices.

In Your 50s, Time Becomes Precious And Must Not Be Wasted. Every Minute Is An Excellent Opportunity For A Good Nap. Happy 50th Birthday!

I'm Not The Healthiest, But I Am Healthy. I'm Healthy To The Point Where There Are Things That I Have To Eat That I Don't Want To Eat, But I Eat It Because I'm Enjoying Staying Alive.

When My Son Was Murdered People Asked Me How I Felt About God And What Had Happened To My Son. I Said "no, You Can't Go There. You Have To Understand That There Is A Devil And He Works 24/7. Whoever Murdered Our Son Was With The Devil."

In Genesis, It Is Stated God Walked On Earth. He Was There On The Level. After Watching Human Behavior, He Ascended Having Had Enough Of Us And Decided To Watch Over Us Instead.

Nothing Separates The Generations More Than Music. By The Time A Child Is Eight Or Nine, He Has Developed A Passion For His Own Music That Is Even Stronger Than His Passions For Procrastination And Weird Clothes.

A New Father Quickly Learns That His Child Invariably Comes To The Bathroom At Precisely The Times When He's In There, As If He Needed Company. The Only Way For This Father To Be Certain Of Bathroom Privacy Is To Shave At The Gas Station.

Suddenly, This Romantic Agony Was Enriched By A Less Romantic One: I Had To Go To The Bathroom. Needless To Say, I Couldn't Let Her Know About This Urge, For Great Lovers Never Did Such Things. The Answer To "romeo Romeo, Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?" Was Not "in The Men's Room, Julie.

You Go And You Buy A Lottery Ticket. You've Got Just As Much Chance Of Getting Struck By Lightning As You Do Of Winning The Lottery.

The Heart Of Marriage Is Memories.

Fatherhood Is Asking Your Son To Make Up A Name Rather Than Tell Anybody Who He Is.

No Matter How Calmly You Try To Referee, Parenting Will Eventually Produce Bizarre Behavior, And I'm Not Talking About The Kids. Their Behavior Is Always Normal.

Did You Ever See The Customers In Health - Food Stores? They Are Pale, Skinny People Who Look Half - Dead. In A Steak House, You See Robust, Ruddy People. They're Dying, Of Course, But They Look Terrific.

My Grandpa Didn't Believe In Hugging And Kissing, Or Saying I Love You. His Love Had To Do With The Way He Treated You. When He Said, We're Going Here, We're Going There, He Was Telling Me About Life. That Was His Love For Me. My Love For Him Was Listening To What He Said, Keeping Out Of Trouble, Doing Right, Being Fair.

If The New American Father Feels Bewildered And Even Defeated, Let Him Take Comfort From The Fact That Whatever He Does In Any Fathering Situation Has A Fifty Percent Chance Of Being Right.

People Should Fact Check. People Shouldn’t Have To Go Through That And Shouldn’t Answer To Innuendos.

I Know People Are Tired Of Me Not Saying Anything, But A Guy Doesn't Have To Answer To Innuendos.

Whenever Your Kids Are Out Of Control, You Can Take Comfort From The Thought That Even God's Omnipotence Did Not Extend To His Kids.

We’ve Got To Get The Gun Out Of The Hands Of People Who Are Supposed To Be On Neighborhood Watch.

People Will Frighten You About A Graduation....they Use Words You Don't Hear Often.

I Think The Part Of Media That Romanticizes Criminal Behavior, Things That A Person Will Say Against Women, Profanity, Being Gangster, Having Multiple Children With Multiple Men And Women And Not Wanting To Is Prevalent. When You Look At The Majority Of Shows On Television They Placate That Kind Of Behavior. If You Go Through A Weekly Monday Through Friday, It's All There. It's In How People On The Sitcoms And Cop Shows Talk To Each Other.

I Guess The Real Reason That My Wife And I Had Children Is The Same Reason That Napoleon Had For Invading Russia: It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time.

I Don't Wear No Condom And I Don't Plan For No Kids.

I Once Asked My Father For A Dollar For The School Picnic. He Told Me How He Once Killed A Grizzly Bear With His Loose-leaf Notebook.

I Am Certainly Not An Authority On Love Because There Are No Authorities On Love, Just Those Who've Had Luck With It And Those Who Haven't.

The First-born In Every Family Is Always Dreaming For An Imaginary Older Brother Or Sister Who Will Look Out For Them.

There Is No Labor A Person Does That Is Undignified; If They Do It Right.

And Of Course, When You See Your Brother In The Toilet Bowl...there's A Little Voice That Say, 'i Wonder Where He Would Go...'...if It Hadn't Been For His Head.

Fatherhood Is Telling Your Daughter That Michael Jackson Loves All His Fans, But Has Special Feelings For The Ones Who Eat Broccoli.

Violence Won't Solve A Thing. It Makes It More Challenging To Solve, Though.

I Can't Even Talk The Way These People Talk. 'why You Ain't?' 'where You Is?' Everybody Knows It's Important To Speak English Except These Knuckleheads. You Can't Be A Doctor With That Kind Of Crap Coming Out Of Your Mouth.

Through Humor, You Can Soften Some Of The Worst Blows That Life Delivers.

Worst Situation

College Was A Wonderful Time - Except, Of Course, When It Was Trying To Teach You Things.

Because For Me It Is Almost Analgesic To Talk About What The White Man Is Doing Against Us. And It Keeps A Person Frozen In Their Seat, It Keeps You Frozen In Your Hole You’re Sitting In.

Immortality Is A Long Shot, I Admit. But Somebody Has To Be First.

When You Graduate From College, They Tell You To Follow Your Dreams. Does Anyone Say You Have To Wake Up First?

Every Father Says The Same Thing: “where's Your Mother?”

A Pelican That Is Wet Walks With A Gated Limp, But A Dry Fish Swims Alone.

Human Beings Are The Only Creatures On Earth That Allow Their Children To Come Back Home.

Nobody Ever Says, "can I Have Your Beets?

Parenting Needs To Come To The Forefront.

Among The Guitarists, Wes Montgomery Is Fantastic. He's Always Good To Let You Know What The Art Form Is All About. It's The Same Still Life That Everybody Is Painting, But In Comes Wes Montgomery, And It's Right There!

Dentists Tell You Not To Pick Your Teeth With Any Sharp Metal Object. Then You Sit In Their Chair And The First Thing They Grab Is An Iron Hook.

I Don't Know The Key To Success, But The Key To Failure Is Trying To Please Everybody.

Criticizing Is Easy, Art Is Difficult.

My Wife And I Have Five Children And The Reason Why We Have Five Children Is Because We Do Not Want Six.

I Am Proud To Be An American. Because An American Can Eat Anything On The Face Of This Earth As Long As He Has Two Pieces Of Bread.

These People Marched And Were Hit In The Face With Rocks To Get An Education And Now We've Got These Knuckleheads Walking Round.

Our Children Are Trying To Tell Us Something. And We Are Not Listening.

My Wife Was A Beautiful Woman Before We Had Children.

I Don't Have A Clue About The Way To Achievement, However The Way To Disappointment Is Attempting To Please Everyone.

There Are Certain Times Of The Day When You Need A Balance - That Is, Your Protein And Your Carbs. I'm A Barry Sears Man. I Believe That Anything Green Is A Carb, And I Need 2:1. Two Of The Carbs To One Of The Protein.

We're Not Raising Children With The Love That We Need To.

If You Have A Question About Anything, The Answer Can Be Found In A Book Somewhere In The Library.

Raising Children Is An Incredibly Hard And Risky Business In Which No Cumulative Wisdom Is Gained: Each Generation Repeats The Mistakes The Previous One Made.

I Am Not Afraid Of Crashing, My Secret Is . . . Just Before We Hit The Ground, I Jump As High As I Can.

All Men Should Freely Use Those Seven Words Which Have The Power To Make Any Marriage Run Smoothly: You Know Dear, You May Be Right

A White Person Listens To My Act And He Laughs And He Thinks, 'yeah, That's The Way I See It Too.' Okay. He's White. I'm Negro. And We Both See Things The Same Way. That Must Mean That We Are Alike..... So I Figure I'm Doing As Much For Good Race Relations As The Next Guy.

The Problem Is That Your Daughter Has Given Her Heart To A 15-year-old Boy, And A 15-year-old Boy Does Not Yet Qualify As A Human Being.

Take Your Bottom Lip And Pull It Over Your Head.

I Didn't Know How Serious It Is To A Female That You Lift The Lid.

After Creating The Heaven, The Earth, The Ocean, And The Entire Animal Kingdom, God Created Adam And Eve. And The First Thing He Said To Them Was "don't."

There Are Some People Who Have Trouble Recognizing A Mess.

Fathers Are The Geniuses Of The House Because Only A Person As Intelligent As We Could Fake Such Stupidity.

That's Why Ears Have Cartilage, To Keep Them From Flapping.

The Past Is A Ghost, The Future A Dream, And All We Ever Have Is Now.

The Mother May Be Doing Ninety Percent Of The Disciplining, But The Father Still Must Have A Full-time Acceptance Of All The Children. He Never Must Say, "get These Kids Out Of Here; I'm Trying To Watch Tv." If He Ever Does Start Saying This, He Is Liable To See One Of His Kids On The Six O'clock News.

In Spite Of The Seven Thousand Books Of Expert Advice, The Right Way To Disciplne A Child Is Still A Mystery To Most Fathers And...mothers Only Your Grandmother And Genghis Khan Know How To Do It.

When I Was A Child, I Was Living In The Housing Projects Of Philadelphia. I Didn't Even Have A Christmas Tree.

There Should Be More On Television That Uplifts People And Shows Them How To Better Prepare Themselves For Earning A Living. There Still Aren't Enough People That Say "this Should Not Be." We Just Let It Go. We Need To Raise A Loud Voice About Our Fellow Human Beings.

You Also Notice That The Right Side Of Your Face Feels Like It's Sliding Off Of Your Skull. And Your Bottom Lip Is In Your Lap!

I Feel That In-person Contact With People Is The Most Important Thing In Comedy. While I'm Up On Stage, I Can Actually Put Myself Into The Audience And Adjust My Pace And Tuning To Them. I Can Get Into Their Heads Through Their Ears And Through Their Eyes. Only Through This Total Communication Can I Really Achieve What I'm Trying To Do.

The Childless Experts On Child Raising Also Bring Tears Of Laughter To My Eyes When They Say, I Love Children Because They're So Honest. There Is Not An Agent In The Cia Or The Kgb Who Knows How To Conceal The Theft Of Food, How To Fake Being Asleep, Or How To Forge A Parent's Signature Like A Child.

Anecdote: In A Controversial Way, Comedian And Actor Bill Cosby Sought To Teach His Son The Pain Of Being Lied To. Convinced His Son Had Been Dishonest Regarding An Issue, Cosby Promised That If He Told Him The Truth, He Would Not Hit Him. When His Son Did Confess, Cosby Did Hit Him. Seeing His Son's Shock And Hurt, Cosby Said He Hoped This Lesson Had Deepened His Understanding Of The Anguish Generated By A Sense Betrayal.

Let Us Now Set Forth One Of The Fundamental Truths About Marriage: The Wife Is In Charge.

If A White Man Falls Off A Chair Drunk, It's Just A Drunk. If A Negro Does, It's The Whole Damn Negro Race.

But If That's What You Want To Be, That's What You Will Be - As Long As You Study.

Kids Need To Remember That When You Put Something On Twitter, It's Not Like Whispering To Your Friend, You've Put It On A Billboard That The Whole World, Including Your Own Kids Someday, Can See.

For College Seniors There Should Be A Week Of Being Allowed To Cry. Just Break Down And Cry Because You Are Scared And Don't Know What's Next.

Now, Richard Pryor Was Unique. Many Misunderstood His Humor. He Lit Up The Hallway, But They Didn't Understand His Use Of Profanity. He Didn't Use It Just To Be Using It; He Used It In The Context Of His Satire.

The Game Of Chess. Supposedly Men Made It Up, And It's About War And Men And The Ravages And The Bravery And The Genius Of Commanding And Moving Pieces And ... No. It's Marriage. The Queen Moves Anywhere She Wants.

I Said To A Guy, "tell Me, What Is It About Cocaine That Makes It So Wonderful," And He Said, "because It Intensifies Your Personality." I Said, "yes, But What If You're An Asshole?"

Nothing I've Ever Done Has Given Me More Joys And Rewards Than Being A Father To My Children.

Brown Versus The Board Of Education Is No Longer The White Person's Problem.

Board Of Education

We Parents Ask Dumb Questions, Therefore We Get Dumb Answers.

Education Happens To Be Something That All People, All Cultures, Need To Embrace. Math, Science, The Words Of The World. To Be Able To Speak And Be Able To Have Clarity And To Be Able To Think. Those Are The Greatest Of Gifts.

My Mother Was An Authority On Pig Sties. This Is The Worst Looking Pigsty I Have Ever Seen In My Life, And I Want It Cleaned Up Right Now.

The Only Thing That You Can Get Into Without A Lot Of Trouble Is A Lot Of Trouble.

My Father Wanted Me To Play Pro Football, And He Didn't Like The Fact That I'd Left School. And He Said, "it Takes A Man To Play Football. And Any Fool Can Go Up On The Stage And Make An Ass Of Himself.

How Long Can You Tread Water?

If You Know What You Want, You Will Recognize It When You See It.

I'm Going Out... Because I Deserve To Go Out! And I'm Going To Get Drunk... Because I Deserve To Get Drunk! And Get Out Of My Way!

The Beautiful Thing About Older People Is Their Ability To Cut The Fat Off Of Conversation. When They Talk, They Don't Go On Forever And Ever. They Say What They Have To Say, And That's It. That Was My Grand Dad. Some Of The Things He Said Stunned Me, But His Words Were Logical. I'll Never Forget Them.

Have You Ever Had A Cookie? Then You Won't Get Any Here Either.

Children Today Know More About Sex Than I Or My Father Did.

I Recently Turned Fifty, Which Is Young For A Tree, Mid-life For An Elephant, And Ancient For A Quarter-miler, Whose Son Now Says, "dad, I Just Can't Run The Quarter With You Anymore, Unless I Bring Something To Read."

The Three Ingredients Of A Successful Union Between Two ... Humor, Commitment & Undying Love.

Pay Off Your Student Loan. Even If You Don't Have A Job...because When You Finally Get A Job You're Going To Be One Of Us.

Funny Graduation

You'll Have Many, Many Friends, But If Your Relationship With Your Mate Is One Hundred Per Cent Of Your Heart, You'll Never Need A Friend.

My Mother Comes In My Room And Says, "just Look At This Mess! This Is A Pig Sty!" Now, I've Already Been In The Room Five Hours, And She Wants Me To Look At It.

All Parents Experience The Same Problems.

You Can Never Give Complete Authority And Overall Power To Anyone Until Trust Can Be Proven.

I Didn't Like What Was On Tv In Terms Of Sitcomsit Had Nothing To Do With The Color Of Themi Just Didn't Like Any Of Them. I Saw Little Kids, Let's Say 6 Or 7 Years Old, White Kids, Black Kids. And The Way They Were Addressing The Father Or The Mother, The Writers Had Turned Things Around, So The Little Children Were Smarter Than The Parent Or The Caregiver. They Were Just Not Funny To Me. I Felt That It Was Manipulative And The Audience Was Looking At Something That Had No Responsibility To The Family.

It Is Not A Matter Of Who Is Rejecting Me, As Much As It Is Somebody May Get It, And I Am Going To Keep Plowing Through It Because In This World Of Education, There Is A Harvest.

I Don't Have A Problem Believing In God And Jesus. But In Genesis One Has To Wonder About These Sentences That Just Go On And End Without Finishing. The Thought Is Unfinished. Where Did Adam Go? What Is He Doing? Hello? There Has To Be Some Pages Missing.

Calculus Is One Course You Can Come With To Your Parents And Say, I Am Dropping It. And They'll Understand.

Guys Standing Around And Talking About Spanish Fly: 'you Know Anything About Spanish Fly?' 'no, Tell Me About It.' Well There's This Girl Crazy Mary, You Put Some In Her Drink Man, She, 'haaaaaaaaaaaaah.' Oh Yeah, That's Really Groovy Man, Spanish Fly Is Groovy, Yeah. From Then On, Any Time You See A Girl: 'wish I Had Some Spanish Fly.' Go To A Party See Five Girls Standing Alone: 'boy If I Had A Whole Jug Of Spanish Fly, I'd Light That Corner Up Over There. Haaaaaah.'

I'm A Christian. But Muslims Are Misunderstood. Intentionally Misunderstood. We Should All Be More Like Them.

You Are A Genius!... And I Am A Genius Because I Married You.

Mediocre People Are The Most Dangerous People In The World.

Old Is Always Fifteen Years From Now.

Well, I Really Don't Know What The Secret Of Success Is But I Can Tell You That The Secret Of Failure Is To Try To Please Everyone.

When You're A Father You Censor Yourself. You Get Just As Angry With A Child But You Don't Want To Say, "what The Filth And Foul And I'll Filth And Foul, Filth And Foul And, Yeah, Ya Filth And Foul Face, And I'll Filth And Foul, Foul, Filth!" You Don't Want To Say That To A Child So You Censor Yourself And You Sound Like An Idiot: "what The... Get Your... I'll Put A... Get Out Of My Face!"

If You Have No Faith, You've Lost Your Battle. You Can't Let Things Just Happen. If You Know Right From Wrong, And You Know Proof That Certain Things Are True And People Are Telling You Information To Guide You And It's Good Solid Information, Than You Should Have It.

No Matter What You Think-life Goes On And The World Still Turns And The Universe Has Its Own Story. The Most We Can Do Is Plan Anyway, But Understand, Be Humbled By Things Greater Than Ourselves.

If You Have No Faith, You've Lost Your Battle.

We Spoke To God About The Children, And We Were Afraid To Ask God For Specific Things. We Thought That It Might Be Too Much. So We Said To God 'please Give Us A Healthy Child' And Left It At That, Not Knowing That God Is A Generous God, But Also Has A Sense Of Humor. And If You Leave That Much Open For God, Some Wonderful Jokes Are Going To Come About.

Give Me 200 Active 2-year-olds And I Could Conquer The World.

Conquer The World

If You're A Parent, The Five Worst Words You Can Say To Your Children Are, "when I Was Your Age ..." You Were Never Their Age. You Were Older In The Womb.

Poets Have Said That The Reason To Have Children Is To Give Yourself Immortality. Immortality? Now That I Have Five Children, My Only Hope Is That They Are All Out Of The House Before I Die.

In Order To Succeed, Your Desire For Success Should Be Greater Than Your Fear Of Failure.

Never Forget That The Devil Is There 24/7 Too. He's Very, Very Busy.

You Know My Father's Favorite Game? Come Here And Pull My Finger.

When We Look At The Settling Of America We See A Bible In Hand And God. Every Thanksgiving Has God And The Peacefulness Of Gratitude. It Was Important When The Twin Towers Were Hit And The Sorrow With Them That The First Thing Congress Did Was Sing "god Bless America."

Men And Women Belong To Different Species And Communications Between Them Is Still In Its Infancy.

When I Was A Boy If A Girl Got Pregnant The Shame Was Placed On Her And The Boy Could Get Away.

I'm Not The Boss Of My House. I Don't Know How I Lost It, I Don't Know When I Lost It, I Don't Really Think I Ever Had It. But I've Seen The Boss's Job...and I Don't Want It!

My Childhood Should Have Taught Me Lessons For My Own Fatherhood, But It Didn't Because Parenting Can Only Be Learned By People Who Have No Children.

You Are Not Going To 'go Forth.' You Are Going To Take That Damn Hat Off And You're Going To Get A Job.

This Happened To The People. The Constitution Says Of The People, By The People, For The People... But The People Who Got The Office, Got Into Office And Forgot About The People.

I'm Not Saying Looting Is Good, ... But I'm Saying Surely At A Time When Your Child Needs Diapers And You Need Food, When Does Looting Stop.

The Secret Of Success Is To Be Like A Duck, Smooth And Unruffled On Top, But Paddling Furiously Underneath.

If You Speak Your Mind And If It Is True What You're Saying, Then I Think The Integrity Of What You're Saying Carries Through.

Speak Your Mind

Laughter Brings Out The Child In All Of Us.

The Serve Was Invented So That The Net Could Play.

If I Use The Word Romance, Whether It's My Wife Or Not, It Does Not Mean Sex. We Can Use The Word Sex When Sex Is There.

Emotionally, A Person Can Become So Negatively Driven That They Don't Respect The Privilege Of Being On This Earth Without Their Mother And Their Father. They May Say It Doesn't Bother Them, But There Is Something In Us About Those Who Are A Biological Part Of Us And Don't Care. People In That Situation Stop Hearing The Other Voices That Love Them, Hold Them, Trust Them And Tells Them How Great They Are. They're Focused On That One Person Who Isn't Answering Them.

The Very First Law In Advertising Is To Avoid The Concrete Promise And Cultivate The Delightfully Vague.

My Children Love My Mother, And I Tell My Children, That Is Not The Same Woman I Grew Up With...that Is An Old Woman Trying To Get Into Heaven Now.

The Dentist Drills Some More And You Hear Him Make A Mistake. And To Cover It Up, They All Say The Same Thing: "okay, Rinse."

Fatherhood Is Helping Your Children Learn English As A Foreign Language.

We Cannot Afford To Settle For Being Just Average; We Must Learn As Much As We Can To Be The Best That We Can. The Key Word Is Education - Education With Maximum Effort. Without It, We Cannot Be In Charge Of Ourselves Or Anyone Else.

Any Husband Who Says, "my Wife And I Are Completely Equal Partners," Is Talking About Either A Law Firm Or A Hand Of Bridge.

Listen To John Coltrane Enough And After Two Bars, Just Two Bars At Any Place, And You Know That's Him. We All Have Signature Things That Happen To Be Similar That You Can Predict And You Try To Stay Away From That Except The Rhythms: Those Pauses, They're Part Of My Signature, The Part Where I Know When I Say Nothing, I Already Painted Enough, Led Enough And I Don't Even Have To Say Anything. But Those Pauses Don't Belong To Me. Jack Benny Was One Of The First Guys In Comedy To Make The Anticipation So Great That During The Pause People Start To Laugh Before The Execution.

People Can Be More Forgiving Than You Can Imagine. But You Have To Forgive Yourself. Let Go Of What's Bitter And Move On.

Intellectuals Are People Who Go To Study Things Other People Do Naturally.

Grandparents Are God's Gifts To Children.

You Can't Compete With Walmart. But You Can Have Smaller Businesses That Are Successful.

You Are More Important To Yourself Than You Think You Are.

Ours Is A Youth Culture, And Like A Golf Tournament, We Honor Only Low Scores.

I Often Try To Tell Kids To Think About All The People Who Love You, Don't Cry Over The One Person Who Doesn't.

There Are No Absolutes In Raising Children. In Any Stressful Situation, Fathering Is Always A Roll Of The Dice. The Game May Be Messy, But I Have Never Found One With More Joys And Rewards.

Stressful Situations

One Of The Great Mistakes That Can Be Made By A Man Of My Age Is To Get Involved In Athletic Competition With Children-unless, Of Course, They Are Under Six. And Even Then, Stay Away From Hide-and-seek.

A Father Has To Do Everything In His Power To Keep A Tight Ship, Even Though He Knows The Crew Would Like To Send Him Away In A Dinghy.

The Summit, Which Is Set Up To Educate People About Managing Their Money And Protecting Their Income, Leads To Empowerment Of Self, For Which This Summit Needs To Be Applauded.

I Think You Need To Make Responsibility Something That's Not Just A Word.

Civilization Had Too Many Rules For Me, So I Did My Best To Rewrite Them.

When You Carry A Gun, You Mean To Harm Somebody, Kill Somebody.

It Is A Point Of Pride For The American Male To Keep The Same Size Jockey Shorts For His Entire Life.

I Was A Physical Education Major With A Child Psychology Minor At Temple, Which Means If You Ask Me A Question About A Child's Behavior, I Will Advise You To Tell The Child To Take A Lap.

It's Painful, But We Can't Heal Ourselves Unless We Cleanse The Wounds.

In Spite Of The Six Thousand Manuals On Child Raising In The Bookstores, Child Raising Is Still A Dark Continent And No One Really Knows Anything. You Just Need A Lot Of Love And Luck - And, Of Course, Courage.

Any Man Today Who Returns From Work, Sinks Into A Chair, And Calls For His Pipe Is A Man With An Appetite For Danger.

What's Your Name Again? That's Right. I'm So Glad You Know Your Name.

The Measure Ov Overexposure Is Not How Many Times People See You On Tv Or In The Bookstores. It's Whether You Can Maintain The Quality Of Your Entertainment. If You Can, People Will Always Be Glad To See You.

I Cannot Understand How The Education Of This United States Of America Has Been Fooled Time And Time Again. Either Make It Separate But Equal Or Integrate, Therefore It Will Be Equal. And It Has Been Separate And Unequal.

Sometimes You Try To Help People, And It Backfires On You, And Then They Try To Take Advantage Of You.

Don't Talk Yourself Into Not Being You.

Fatherhood Is Pretending The Present You Love Most Is Soap-on-a-rope.

My Father Would Pass Gas And Then Blame It On Imaginary Animals.

Today's Parents Grew Up With The Silly Notion That Music Was Meant To Be Heard.

We Are The Only Animals That Let Our Kids Come Back Home.

I Want To Get Violence - I Want Schools To Start From K Through 12 To Just Every Day Have Teachers Understand That They Don't Want To Talk About Anything That Is Violent, And They Want To Explain To The Children How Bad Violence Is And How Behavior - Violent Behavior, Is Something That They Really Should Not Practice And Think About.

If You Listen Carefully To What A Child Is Saying To You, You'll See That He Has A Point To Make. So I Listen. And I Answer Them Just As Seriously As Possible. And If I Don't Know The Answer, I'll Tell Them I Don't Know.

A Word To The Wise Ain't Necessary - It's The Stupid Ones That Need The Advice.

Always End The Name Of Your Child With A Vowel, So That When You Yell The Name Will Carry.

Parents Are Not Interested In Justice, They're Interested In Peace And Quiet.

A Person With No Children Says, "well I Just Love Children," And You Say "why?" And They Say, "because A Child Is So Truthful, That's What I Love About 'em - They Tell The Truth." That's A Lie, I've Got Five Of 'em. The Only Time They Tell The Truth Is If They're Having Pain.

Meadowlark And I Share A Common Vision Of Bringing Joy And Laughter To Others.

A Grandchild Is God's Reward For Raising A Child.

Decide That You Want It More Than You Are Afraid Of It.

If You Know Two Languages, The Level Of Your Intelligence Is Multiplied A Hundredfold In Other People's Eyes.

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