I Can't Even Talk The Way These People Talk. 'why You Ain't?' 'where You Is?' Everybody Knows It's Important To Speak English Except These Knuckleheads. You Can't Be A Doctor With That Kind Of Crap Coming Out Of Your Mouth.

-Bill Cosby

Please Wait....
Translating....

I Can't Even Talk

Bill Cosby

Topic

Doctors

Speak English

People

More From Bill Cosby

I Don't Know The Key To Success, But The Key To Failure Is Trying To Please Everybody.

Inspirational

Motivational

Success

My Grandpa Didn't Believe In Hugging And Kissing, Or Saying I Love You. His Love Had To Do With The Way He Treated You. When He Said, We're Going Here, We're Going There, He Was Telling Me About Life. That Was His Love For Me. My Love For Him Was Listening To What He Said, Keeping Out Of Trouble, Doing Right, Being Fair.

Believe

Love You

Kissing

After Creating The Heaven, The Earth, The Ocean, And The Entire Animal Kingdom, God Created Adam And Eve. And The First Thing He Said To Them Was "don't."

Funny

God

Humorous

I Brought You In This World, And I Can Take You Out!

World

This World

I Can

Now, This Is The Fun Part About Getting Stoned. They Get Stoned, Then They Become Paranoid. Now, When They Started Out, They Said, "let's Get High And Have Fun." So They're High; Now They're Paranoid. "am I Falling Out Of This Chair?"

Funny

Fall

Humor

There Are No Absolutes In Raising Children. In Any Stressful Situation, Fathering Is Always A Roll Of The Dice. The Game May Be Messy, But I Have Never Found One With More Joys And Rewards.

Children

Games

Stressful Situations

Fathers Are The Geniuses Of The House Because Only A Person As Intelligent As We Could Fake Such Stupidity.

Family

Father

Intelligent

Anyone Who Has Brought Up Children Knows That Consistency Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Discipline.

Children

Discipline

Consistency

A Sail Boat That Sails Backwards Can Never See The Sun Rise.

Funny

Humor

Sun

I Think The Part Of Media That Romanticizes Criminal Behavior, Things That A Person Will Say Against Women, Profanity, Being Gangster, Having Multiple Children With Multiple Men And Women And Not Wanting To Is Prevalent. When You Look At The Majority Of Shows On Television They Placate That Kind Of Behavior.

Children

Men

Thinking

My Wife Was A Beautiful Woman Before We Had Children.

Funny

Beautiful

Children

When We Look At The Settling Of America We See A Bible In Hand And God. Every Thanksgiving Has God And The Peacefulness Of Gratitude. It Was Important When The Twin Towers Were Hit And The Sorrow With Them That The First Thing Congress Did Was Sing "god Bless America."

Gratitude

Hands

America

Don't Talk Yourself Into Not Being You.

A Person With No Children Says, "well I Just Love Children," And You Say "why?" And They Say, "because A Child Is So Truthful, That's What I Love About 'em - They Tell The Truth." That's A Lie, I've Got Five Of 'em. The Only Time They Tell The Truth Is If They're Having Pain.

Funny

Pain

Children

Let Me Say This: I Only Expect The Black Media To Uphold The Standards Of Excellence In Journalism And When You Do That, You Have To Go In With A Neutral Mind.

Media

Black

Mind

You Are More Important To Yourself Than You Think You Are.

Thinking

Important

I Love It When Mothers Get So Mad They Can't Remember Your Name. "come Here, Roy, Er, Rupert, Er, Rutabaga... What Is Your Name, Boy? And Don't Lie To Me, Because You Live Here, And I'll Find Out Who You Are."

Funny

Mother

Lying

A Pelican That Is Wet Walks With A Gated Limp, But A Dry Fish Swims Alone.

Swim

Dry

Pelicans

When You're A Father You Censor Yourself. You Get Just As Angry With A Child But You Don't Want To Say, "what The Filth And Foul And I'll Filth And Foul, Filth And Foul And, Yeah, Ya Filth And Foul Face, And I'll Filth And Foul, Foul, Filth!" You Don't Want To Say That To A Child So You Censor Yourself And You Sound Like An Idiot: "what The... Get Your... I'll Put A... Get Out Of My Face!"

Funny

Children

Father

It Is Not A Matter Of Who Is Rejecting Me, As Much As It Is Somebody May Get It, And I Am Going To Keep Plowing Through It Because In This World Of Education, There Is A Harvest.

Education

Plowing

World

My Latest Blood Test Said My Cholesterol Was Very High And My Doctor Recommended Some Medicine For It. I Said "no" To His Recommendation And He Said "what Are You Going To Do?" I Said I Ate My Way Into This And I'm Going To Eat My Way Out Of It.

Doctors

Blood

Medicine

Don't Let Your Victories Go To Your Head, Or Your Failures Go To Your Heart.

Wise

Heart

Victory

When My Son Was Murdered People Asked Me How I Felt About God And What Had Happened To My Son. I Said "no, You Can't Go There. You Have To Understand That There Is A Devil And He Works 24/7. Whoever Murdered Our Son Was With The Devil."

Son

People

Devil

Meadowlark And I Share A Common Vision Of Bringing Joy And Laughter To Others.

Laughter

Common Vision

Joy

People Can Be More Forgiving Than You Can Imagine. But You Have To Forgive Yourself. Let Go Of What's Bitter And Move On.

Inspirational

Moving On

Forgiveness

Emotionally, A Person Can Become So Negatively Driven That They Don't Respect The Privilege Of Being On This Earth Without Their Mother And Their Father. They May Say It Doesn't Bother Them, But There Is Something In Us About Those Who Are A Biological Part Of Us And Don't Care. People In That Situation Stop Hearing The Other Voices That Love Them, Hold Them, Trust Them And Tells Them How Great They Are. They're Focused On That One Person Who Isn't Answering Them.

Mother

Father

Voice

My Dad Came Over To The House... Went Into His Pocket And Pulled Out A Handful Of Money, And Began To Pass It Out To The Children... This Was The Same Man Who, When I Was His Child, I Would Ask Him For 50 Cents, This Man Would Tell Me His Life's Story.

Children

Dad

Men

Romance Is A Different Word Than Sexual Contact.

Romance

Different

Contact

Nothing Separates The Generations More Than Music. By The Time A Child Is Eight Or Nine, He Has Developed A Passion For His Own Music That Is Even Stronger Than His Passions For Procrastination And Weird Clothes.

Family

Music

Children

If You Want To Be Seen, Stand Up. If You Want To Be Heard, Speak Up. If You Want To Be Appreciated, Shut Up.

Want

Speak

Appreciated

A New Father Quickly Learns That His Child Invariably Comes To The Bathroom At Precisely The Times When He's In There, As If He Needed Company. The Only Way For This Father To Be Certain Of Bathroom Privacy Is To Shave At The Gas Station.

Funny

Fathers Day

Children

I Want To Get Violence - I Want Schools To Start From K Through 12 To Just Every Day Have Teachers Understand That They Don't Want To Talk About Anything That Is Violent, And They Want To Explain To The Children How Bad Violence Is And How Behavior - Violent Behavior, Is Something That They Really Should Not Practice And Think About.

Teacher

Children

School

I Am Not Afraid Of Crashing, My Secret Is . . . Just Before We Hit The Ground, I Jump As High As I Can.

Funny

Secret

Aviation

The Essence Of Childhood, Of Course, Is Play.

Essence

Play

Childhood

You Are Not Going To 'go Forth.' You Are Going To Take That Damn Hat Off And You're Going To Get A Job.

Jobs

Hats

Hats Off

How Long Can You Tread Water?

Long

Water

When I Was A Child, I Was Living In The Housing Projects Of Philadelphia. I Didn't Even Have A Christmas Tree.

Children

Philadelphia

Tree

I'm Not The Healthiest, But I Am Healthy. I'm Healthy To The Point Where There Are Things That I Have To Eat That I Don't Want To Eat, But I Eat It Because I'm Enjoying Staying Alive.

Healthy

Alive

Want

My Father Walked To School 4 O'clock Every Morning With No Shoes On, Uphill, Both Ways, In 5 Feet Of Snow And He Was Thankful.

Funny

Morning

Father

The Worst Thing To Do Is To Die While Reading Life Magazine.

Funny

Reading

Humor

The First Time I Came Across The Birds And The Bees In Actual Flight, I Couldn't Identify The Formation.

Funny

Sex

Humorous

What Best Defines A Child Is The Total Inability To Receive Information From Anything Not Plugged In.

You Are A Genius!... And I Am A Genius Because I Married You.

Genius

Married

The Main Goal Of The Future Is To Stop Violence. The World Is Addicted To It.

Future

Afterlife

Goal

I Was'nt Always Black. There Was This Freckel That Just Grew And Grew.

Black

Grew

Listen To John Coltrane Enough And After Two Bars, Just Two Bars At Any Place, And You Know That's Him. We All Have Signature Things That Happen To Be Similar That You Can Predict And You Try To Stay Away From That Except The Rhythms: Those Pauses, They're Part Of My Signature, The Part Where I Know When I Say Nothing, I Already Painted Enough, Led Enough And I Don't Even Have To Say Anything. But Those Pauses Don't Belong To Me. Jack Benny Was One Of The First Guys In Comedy To Make The Anticipation So Great That During The Pause People Start To Laugh Before The Execution.

Two

People

Laughing

Parents Are People Who Yell And They Yell And They Yell And They Yell. And You Already Have The Point... And They're Still Yelling.

Yelling

People

Parent

My Mother Was An Authority On Pig Sties. This Is The Worst Looking Pigsty I Have Ever Seen In My Life, And I Want It Cleaned Up Right Now.

Mother

Son

Pigs

Guys Standing Around And Talking About Spanish Fly: 'you Know Anything About Spanish Fly?' 'no, Tell Me About It.' Well There's This Girl Crazy Mary, You Put Some In Her Drink Man, She, 'haaaaaaaaaaaaah.' Oh Yeah, That's Really Groovy Man, Spanish Fly Is Groovy, Yeah. From Then On, Any Time You See A Girl: 'wish I Had Some Spanish Fly.' Go To A Party See Five Girls Standing Alone: 'boy If I Had A Whole Jug Of Spanish Fly, I'd Light That Corner Up Over There. Haaaaaah.'

Girl

Crazy

Party

You'll Have Many, Many Friends, But If Your Relationship With Your Mate Is One Hundred Per Cent Of Your Heart, You'll Never Need A Friend.

Friends

Heart

Needs

Sex Education May Be A Good Idea In The Schools, But I Don't Believe The Kids Should Be Given Homework.

Education

Sex

Believe

Most Fathers And... Mothers. Only Your Grandmother And Ghengis Khan Know How To Do It.

Mother

Father

Parent

I Guess The Real Reason That My Wife And I Had Children Is The Same Reason That Napoleon Had For Invading Russia: It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time.

Baby

Children

Real

If You Listen Carefully To What A Child Is Saying To You, You'll See That He Has A Point To Make. So I Listen. And I Answer Them Just As Seriously As Possible. And If I Don't Know The Answer, I'll Tell Them I Don't Know.

Children

Answers

Knows

It's Painful, But We Can't Heal Ourselves Unless We Cleanse The Wounds.

Painful

Heal

Wounds

As A Comedian, I Can Walk Out In Front Of 5000 People And Not Worry About A Thing. Not A Thing, Believe Me. But To Stand Up A Face A Camera And Crew Of Maybe 15 Guys And Get Up Tight About It - To Me That's Weird.

Believe

People

Worry

I Think You Need To Make Responsibility Something That's Not Just A Word.

Responsibility

Thinking

Needs

It's More Blessed To Give Than To Receive - Especially Kittens.

Bible

Jesus

Blessed

If The New American Father Feels Bewildered And Even Defeated, Let Him Take Comfort From The Fact That Whatever He Does In Any Fathering Situation Has A Fifty Percent Chance Of Being Right.

Funny

Fathers Day

Dad

'don't Worry About Senility', My Grandfather Used To Say.

Worry

Grandfather

Age

Mediocre People Are The Most Dangerous People In The World.

People

World

Mediocre

I Have To Follow My Thoughts And Mine For The Gold. I Have To Dig It Out.

Gold

My Thoughts

Mines

There Are Certain Times Of The Day When You Need A Balance - That Is, Your Protein And Your Carbs. I'm A Barry Sears Man. I Believe That Anything Green Is A Carb, And I Need 2:1. Two Of The Carbs To One Of The Protein.

Believe

Men

Two

The Childless Experts On Child Raising Also Bring Tears Of Laughter To My Eyes When They Say, I Love Children Because They're So Honest. There Is Not An Agent In The Cia Or The Kgb Who Knows How To Conceal The Theft Of Food, How To Fake Being Asleep, Or How To Forge A Parent's Signature Like A Child.

Laughter

Children

Eye

College Was A Wonderful Time - Except, Of Course, When It Was Trying To Teach You Things.

College

Trying

Wonderful

The Heart Of Marriage Is Memories.

Love

Anniversary

Marriage

Violence Won't Solve A Thing. It Makes It More Challenging To Solve, Though.

Wise

Challenges

Violence

No Matter What You Think-life Goes On And The World Still Turns And The Universe Has Its Own Story. The Most We Can Do Is Plan Anyway, But Understand, Be Humbled By Things Greater Than Ourselves.

World

Life Goes On

Universe

Every Father Says The Same Thing: “where's Your Mother?”

Mother

Father

A Grandchild Is God's Reward For Raising A Child.

Funny

Children

Humor

We Spoke To God About The Children, And We Were Afraid To Ask God For Specific Things. We Thought That It Might Be Too Much. So We Said To God 'please Give Us A Healthy Child' And Left It At That, Not Knowing That God Is A Generous God, But Also Has A Sense Of Humor. And If You Leave That Much Open For God, Some Wonderful Jokes Are Going To Come About.

Children

Knowing

Giving

We’ve Got To Get The Gun Out Of The Hands Of People Who Are Supposed To Be On Neighborhood Watch.

Gun

Hands

People

A White Person Listens To My Act And He Laughs And He Thinks, 'yeah, That's The Way I See It Too.' Okay. He's White. I'm Negro. And We Both See Things The Same Way. That Must Mean That We Are Alike..... So I Figure I'm Doing As Much For Good Race Relations As The Next Guy.

Mean

Thinking

White

Repeat After Me. I Promise Not To Run Outside Of The House. I Promise Not To Run Inside Of The House. I Promise Not To Touch, Pick Up, Step On, Anything That Looks Interesting.

Running

Interesting

House

Kids Need To Remember That When You Put Something On Twitter, It's Not Like Whispering To Your Friend, You've Put It On A Billboard That The Whole World, Including Your Own Kids Someday, Can See.

Kids

Needs

Whispering

Beware Of People Who Fall At Your Feet. They May Be Reaching For The Corner Of The Rug.

Fall

Feet

People

The Heart Of Marriage Is Memories; And If The Two Of You Happen To Have The Same Ones And Can Savor Your Reruns, Then Your Marriage Is A Gift From The Gods.

Love

Funny

Happiness

You Can't Compete With Walmart. But You Can Have Smaller Businesses That Are Successful.

Successful

Walmart

Your Parents Put A Curse On You - Someday Your Kids Are Going To Act Just Like You.

Children

Kids

Justice

The Problem Is That Your Daughter Has Given Her Heart To A 15-year-old Boy, And A 15-year-old Boy Does Not Yet Qualify As A Human Being.

Mother

Daughter

Heart

George Carlin Is Brilliant With Words, And Johnny Winters Is Very Creative. It's Taking Something Common And Drawing Out The Humor, Being Clever With Words.

Clever

Winter

Drawing

Now, Richard Pryor Was Unique. Many Misunderstood His Humor. He Lit Up The Hallway, But They Didn't Understand His Use Of Profanity. He Didn't Use It Just To Be Using It; He Used It In The Context Of His Satire.

Unique

Misunderstood

Use

My Wife And I Have Five Children And The Reason Why We Have Five Children Is Because We Do Not Want Six.

Children

Wife

Reason Why

There Is No Labor A Person Does That Is Undignified; If They Do It Right.

Work

Labor Day

Quality

You Can Turn Painful Situations Around Through Laughter. If You Can Find Humor In Anything, Even Poverty, You Can Survive It.

Life

Laughter

Humor

Men And Women Belong To Different Species And Communications Between Them Is Still In Its Infancy.

Communication

Sisterhood

Men

I Want All This Loud Profanity In The Street Stopped. I Want People To Think About Choices.

Thinking

People

Choices

Public Education Is A Good Foundation On Which To Build A Better Life For Each Of Us. And If We Want To Prove To These Children Who Never Made The Mess In The First Place That Education Is Worth The Trouble, Our Schools Have To Inspire Them So They Can Do What They Ought To Do.

Children

School

Inspire

I'm Not Going Out And Hitting A 95-mph Fastball Where I Can't See The Stitches. I'm Not On A Professional Football Team Looking To Tackle A Fullback Who Is Built Like Solid Wood. I'm A Thinking Person, And I've Been Blessed With The Ability To See Some Things And Talk About Them In A Way That Registers In A Humorous And Funny Way.

Thanksgiving

Football

Team

When You Carry A Gun, You Mean To Harm Somebody, Kill Somebody.

Mean

Gun

Harm

Raising Children Is An Incredibly Hard And Risky Business In Which No Cumulative Wisdom Is Gained: Each Generation Repeats The Mistakes The Previous One Made.

Funny

Family

Children

You Can Teach An Old Dog New Tricks. You Just Don't Want To See The Dog Doing Them.

Funny

Dog

Humorous

Social Networking Helps Reach People Easier And Quicker.

People

Networking

Helping

I Said To A Guy, "tell Me, What Is It About Cocaine That Makes It So Wonderful," And He Said, "because It Intensifies Your Personality." I Said, "yes, But What If You're An Asshole?"

Funny

Humor

Personality

I’m Supposed To Figure Out If The Glass Is Half Full Or Half Empty,” I Told Her. Without A Moment’s Hesitation, In A Split Second, My Grandmother Shrugged And Said: “it Depends On If You’re Drinking Or Pouring.

Drinking

Grandmother

Glasses

The Dentist Drills Some More And You Hear Him Make A Mistake. And To Cover It Up, They All Say The Same Thing: "okay, Rinse."

Funny

Mistake

Humor

If You Know What You Want, You Will Recognize It When You See It.

Want

What You Want

Knows

Intellectuals Are People Who Go To Study Things Other People Do Naturally.

People

Study

Anecdote: In A Controversial Way, Comedian And Actor Bill Cosby Sought To Teach His Son The Pain Of Being Lied To. Convinced His Son Had Been Dishonest Regarding An Issue, Cosby Promised That If He Told Him The Truth, He Would Not Hit Him. When His Son Did Confess, Cosby Did Hit Him. Seeing His Son's Shock And Hurt, Cosby Said He Hoped This Lesson Had Deepened His Understanding Of The Anguish Generated By A Sense Betrayal.

Hurt

Pain

Betrayal

I Don't Wear No Condom And I Don't Plan For No Kids.

Kids

Condom

Plans

What Is It About Grandparents That Is So Lovely? I'd Like To Say That Grandparents Are God's Gifts To Children.

Inspirational

Children

Grandmother

No Matter How Calmly You Try To Referee, Parenting Will Eventually Produce Bizarre Behavior, And I'm Not Talking About The Kids. Their Behavior Is Always Normal.

Family

Kids

Parenting

Education Happens To Be Something That All People, All Cultures, Need To Embrace. Math, Science, The Words Of The World. To Be Able To Speak And Be Able To Have Clarity And To Be Able To Think. Those Are The Greatest Of Gifts.

Math

Thinking

People

What's Your Name Again? That's Right. I'm So Glad You Know Your Name.

Names

Glad

Knows

I Wanted To Give The House Back To The Parents.

Giving

House

Parent

I Feel That In-person Contact With People Is The Most Important Thing In Comedy. While I'm Up On Stage, I Can Actually Put Myself Into The Audience And Adjust My Pace And Tuning To Them. I Can Get Into Their Heads Through Their Ears And Through Their Eyes. Only Through This Total Communication Can I Really Achieve What I'm Trying To Do.

Communication

Eye

People

Man Can Not Live By Bread Alone ... He Must Have Peanut Butter.

Funny

Wisdom

Witty

My Eleven Year Old Daughter Mopes Around The House All Day Waiting For Her Breasts To Grow.

Daughter

Honesty

Years

Gray Hair Is God's Graffiti.

Funny

God

Humor

Poets Have Said That The Reason To Have Children Is To Give Yourself Immortality. Immortality? Now That I Have Five Children, My Only Hope Is That They Are All Out Of The House Before I Die.

Children

Giving

House

Sometimes You Try To Help People, And It Backfires On You, And Then They Try To Take Advantage Of You.

People

Trying

Helping

Because For Me It Is Almost Analgesic To Talk About What The White Man Is Doing Against Us. And It Keeps A Person Frozen In Their Seat, It Keeps You Frozen In Your Hole You’re Sitting In.

Men

White Man

Sitting

I Don't Think You Can Bring The Races Together By Joking About The Differences Between Them. I'd Rather Talk About The Similarities, About What's Universal In Their Experiences.

Thinking

Race

Differences

You Can Not Make Everybody Happy.

Nutella

Can Not

You Can Never Give Complete Authority And Overall Power To Anyone Until Trust Can Be Proven.

Giving

Authority

Proven

When The Child Is Twelve, Your Wife Buys Her A Splendidly Silly Article Of Clothing Called A Training Bra. To Train What? I Never Had A Training Jock. And Believe Me, When I Played Football, I Could Have Used A Training Jock More Than Any Twelve-year-old Needs A Training Bra.

Football

Children

Silly

The Three Ingredients Of A Successful Union Between Two ... Humor, Commitment & Undying Love.

Funny

Relationship

Marriage

That's Why Ears Have Cartilage, To Keep Them From Flapping.

Ears

Flapping

I Recently Turned Fifty, Which Is Young For A Tree, Mid-life For An Elephant, And Ancient For A Quarter-miler, Whose Son Now Says, "dad, I Just Can't Run The Quarter With You Anymore, Unless I Bring Something To Read."

Running

Dad

Son

Parenting Needs To Come To The Forefront.

Parent

Needs

Is The Glass Half Full, Or Half Empty? It Depends On Whether You're Pouring, Or Drinking.

Drinking

Glasses

Alcohol

Civilization Had Too Many Rules For Me, So I Did My Best To Rewrite Them.

Funny

Humor

Civilization

Fatherhood Is Telling Your Daughter That Michael Jackson Loves All His Fans, But Has Special Feelings For The Ones Who Eat Broccoli.

Daughter

Vegetables

Feelings

The Most Important Educational Vehicle In All Life Is A Parent Figure.

Educational

Parent

Important

Criticizing Is Easy, Art Is Difficult.

Wise

Art

Easy

You People Are Not Prepared. You Are Well Educated And You Look Cute, But That's Not Going To Cut It.

Cute

Success

Cutting

Any Husband Who Says, "my Wife And I Are Completely Equal Partners," Is Talking About Either A Law Firm Or A Hand Of Bridge.

Love

Relationship

Husband

My Mother Comes In My Room And Says, "just Look At This Mess! This Is A Pig Sty!" Now, I've Already Been In The Room Five Hours, And She Wants Me To Look At It.

Funny

Mother

Humor

If You Have No Faith, You've Lost Your Battle.

Battle

Lost

Ifs

I Use The Exercise Room Early, Because I Don't Want To Get On The Treadmill And Everyone's Going 'oh, Bill Cosby,' And Then They Come Around To See How Fast I'm Walking, And It Becomes Very Competitive.

Exercise

Use

Want

Laughter Brings Out The Child In All Of Us.

Laughter

Children

Ukulele

When I Say, 'i Don't Care What White People Think,' I Mean That.

Mean

Thinking

White

Pay Off Your Student Loan. Even If You Don't Have A Job...because When You Finally Get A Job You're Going To Be One Of Us.

Jobs

Funny Graduation

Pay

My Grandfather Said, "when You Become Senile, You Won't Know It."

Hypocrisy

Getting Older

Age

Take Your Bottom Lip And Pull It Over Your Head.

Pregnancy

Over You

Lips

People Will Frighten You About A Graduation....they Use Words You Don't Hear Often.

Graduation

People

Use

The Summit, Which Is Set Up To Educate People About Managing Their Money And Protecting Their Income, Leads To Empowerment Of Self, For Which This Summit Needs To Be Applauded.

Self

People

Empowerment

Our Children Are Trying To Tell Us Something. And We Are Not Listening.

Children

Listening

Trying

Parents Are Not Interested In Justice, They're Interested In Peace And Quiet.

Family

Parenting

Justice

Fatherhood Is Pretending The Present You Love Most Is Soap-on-a-rope.

Funny

Fathers Day

Dad

My Father Wanted Me To Play Pro Football, And He Didn't Like The Fact That I'd Left School. And He Said, "it Takes A Man To Play Football. And Any Fool Can Go Up On The Stage And Make An Ass Of Himself.

Football

Father

School

The Secret Of Success Is To Be Like A Duck, Smooth And Unruffled On Top, But Paddling Furiously Underneath.

Ducks

Secret

Paddling

Racial Humor Was About 35% Of My Act When I First Started. But I Realized That It Was A Crutch. What Brought It Home Was When Another Comedian Said To Me, 'if You Changed Color Tomorrow, You Wouldn't Have Any Material.' He Meant It As A Put-down, But I Took It As A Challenge.

Home

Color

Challenges

There Is Hope For The Future Because God Has A Sense Of Humor And We Are Funny To God.

Funny

God

Hope

In Order To Succeed, Your Desire For Success Should Be Greater Than Your Fear Of Failure.

Inspirational

Motivational

Positive

When I Was A Boy If A Girl Got Pregnant The Shame Was Placed On Her And The Boy Could Get Away.

Girl

Boys

Shame

People Say "god Will Find A Way." God Can't Find A Way If You're In The Way.

Faith

People

Way

And So The Dentist Says 'rinse.' So You Lean Over, And You're Lookin' At This Miniature Toilet Bowl.

Toilets

Dentist

Miniatures

God Has A Sense Of Humor Though And He Must See Funny Things In Us. He Must Also Have Some Love. We're Still Here And There Are Still Great Things That Go On. There Are Great Doctors Who Discover How To Separate Twins And How To Put Together A Human Being To Walk Again After It's Said He Won't. Those Are All There As Signs.

Doctors

Funny Things

Together

Did You Ever See The Customers In Health - Food Stores? They Are Pale, Skinny People Who Look Half - Dead. In A Steak House, You See Robust, Ruddy People. They're Dying, Of Course, But They Look Terrific.

Funny

Motivational

Health

Human Beings Are The Only Creatures On Earth That Allow Their Children To Come Back Home.

Funny

Motivational

Family

If You Have A Question About Anything, The Answer Can Be Found In A Book Somewhere In The Library.

Book

Library

Answers

The Only Thing That You Can Get Into Without A Lot Of Trouble Is A Lot Of Trouble.

Funny

Humor

Trouble

I Often Try To Tell Kids To Think About All The People Who Love You, Don't Cry Over The One Person Who Doesn't.

Love

Kids

Thinking

Give Me 200 Active 2-year-olds And I Could Conquer The World.

Years

Conquer The World

Giving

It Is A Point Of Pride For The American Male To Keep The Same Size Jockey Shorts For His Entire Life.

Pride

Males

Jockeys

We Go Out Of Our Way To Make People So Different,... To Punish Them Because Of Color, Because Of Sex, Because Of Size, And The Game Starts.

Sex

Color

Games

I've Got A Ferrari. Vroom! I Do 104 From The Garage To The Front Door.

Doors

Ferrari

Garage

For College Seniors There Should Be A Week Of Being Allowed To Cry. Just Break Down And Cry Because You Are Scared And Don't Know What's Next.

Senior

College

Down And

When You Graduate From College, They Tell You To Follow Your Dreams. Does Anyone Say You Have To Wake Up First?

Graduation

Dream

College

I Once Asked My Father For A Dollar For The School Picnic. He Told Me How He Once Killed A Grizzly Bear With His Loose-leaf Notebook.

Funny

Notebook

Father

If You Know Two Languages, The Level Of Your Intelligence Is Multiplied A Hundredfold In Other People's Eyes.

Eye

Two

People

My Children Love My Mother, And I Tell My Children, That Is Not The Same Woman I Grew Up With...that Is An Old Woman Trying To Get Into Heaven Now.

Family

Mother

Children

Family Is Conflict And It's Something That We All Relate To.

Family

Conflict

Family Conflict

The Very First Law In Advertising Is To Avoid The Concrete Promise And Cultivate The Delightfully Vague.

Funny

Humor

Law

I Am Proud To Be An American. Because An American Can Eat Anything On The Face Of This Earth As Long As He Has Two Pieces Of Bread.

Funny

Uplifting

Memorial Day

Through Humor, You Can Soften Some Of The Worst Blows That Life Delivers.

Laughter

Blow

Worst Situation

If You Took Your Child To The Dentist And Check For Cavities, The Child Likely Won't Get Them. If You Take Them Just For Emergency, That's All They're Gonna Get.

Children

Emergencies

Dentist

We Cannot Afford To Settle For Being Just Average; We Must Learn As Much As We Can To Be The Best That We Can. The Key Word Is Education - Education With Maximum Effort. Without It, We Cannot Be In Charge Of Ourselves Or Anyone Else.

Education

Teaching

Keys

With My Wife Camille's Help, I Took To Social Networking. I'm Working With The Computers.

Wife

Networking

Helping

The Game Of Chess. Supposedly Men Made It Up, And It's About War And Men And The Ravages And The Bravery And The Genius Of Commanding And Moving Pieces And ... No. It's Marriage. The Queen Moves Anywhere She Wants.

Marriage

Queens

War

Why Do Kids Always Say Peace Out, I Though Peace Was In.

Kids

People Will Frighten You About A Graduation.... They Use Words You Don't Hear Often: And We Wish You Godspeed." It Is A Warning, Godspeed. It Means You Are No Longer Welcome Here At These Prices."

Graduation

Mean

People

Always End The Name Of Your Child With A Vowel, So That When You Yell The Name Will Carry.

Funny

Mom

Children

Decide That You Want It More Than You Are Afraid Of It.

Love

Inspirational

Life

Brown Versus The Board Of Education Is No Longer The White Person's Problem.

White

Board Of Education

Boards

Old Is Always Fifteen Years From Now.

Funny

Birthday

Humor

Well, I Really Don't Know What The Secret Of Success Is But I Can Tell You That The Secret Of Failure Is To Try To Please Everyone.

Secret

Trying

Please

If I Use The Word Romance, Whether It's My Wife Or Not, It Does Not Mean Sex. We Can Use The Word Sex When Sex Is There.

Sex

Mean

Wife

While Fathers Are Pleasant Figureheads, There Is A Special Bond Between Children And Their Mothers. 'do You Help Your Mother Clean Up The House?' I Asked One Girl Of Seven. 'no,' She Sweetly Replied, 'i Help Make The Mess.' It's A Dirty Job But Somebody's Got To Do It.

Girl

Mother

Jobs

A Father... Knows Exactly What Those Boys At The Mall Have In Their Depraved Little Minds Because He Once Owned Such A Depraved Little Mind Himself. In Fact, If He Thinks Enough About The Plans That He Used To Have For Young Girls, The Father Not Only Will Support His Wife In Keeping Their Daughter Home But He Might Even Run Over To The Mall And Have A Few Of Those Boys Arrested.

Girl

Running

Daughter

The Serve Was Invented So That The Net Could Play.

Play

Tennis

Funny Tennis

All Around The United States Of America - In The Cities And The Counties - Our Public Education Is Suffering And Has Been Suffering. Cuts, Cuts, Cuts.

Cutting

Cities

America

My Feeling Is, Personally, I Want To Die First... Because I Believe That When You Die, Your Soul Goes Immediately Up For Judgment - And I Don't Want My Wife Up There First. No, The Judgment Will Be Horrendous.

Believe

Wife

Feelings

My Father Would Pass Gas And Then Blame It On Imaginary Animals.

Funny

Father

Humor

We Are The Only Animals That Let Our Kids Come Back Home.

Home

Kids

Animal

I Know People Are Tired Of Me Not Saying Anything, But A Guy Doesn't Have To Answer To Innuendos.

Tired

People

Guy

We're Not Raising Children With The Love That We Need To.

Love

Children

Needs

We Parents Ask Dumb Questions, Therefore We Get Dumb Answers.

Parent

Dumb

Answers

On Many Young Actors That Don't Give Their Parents Proper Credit: I'm Still Waiting For Some Actor To Win, Say, An Oscar... And Deliver The Following Acceptance Speech: I Would Like To Thank My Parents, First Of All, For Letting Me Live.

Acceptance

Winning

Giving

I Didn't Like What Was On Tv In Terms Of Sitcomsit Had Nothing To Do With The Color Of Themi Just Didn't Like Any Of Them. I Saw Little Kids, Let's Say 6 Or 7 Years Old, White Kids, Black Kids. And The Way They Were Addressing The Father Or The Mother, The Writers Had Turned Things Around, So The Little Children Were Smarter Than The Parent Or The Caregiver. They Were Just Not Funny To Me. I Felt That It Was Manipulative And The Audience Was Looking At Something That Had No Responsibility To The Family.

Mother

Children

Father

Whenever Your Kids Are Out Of Control, You Can Take Comfort From The Thought That Even God's Omnipotence Did Not Extend To His Kids.

Funny

God

Baby

Never Say [to Younger People] "that Was Before Your Time," Because The Last Full Moon Was Before Their Time!

Moon

People

Lasts

Dentists Tell You Not To Pick Your Teeth With Any Sharp Metal Object. Then You Sit In Their Chair And The First Thing They Grab Is An Iron Hook.

Funny

Humor

Iron

Children Today Know More About Sex Than I Or My Father Did.

Sex

Children

Father

If You Have No Faith, You've Lost Your Battle. You Can't Let Things Just Happen. If You Know Right From Wrong, And You Know Proof That Certain Things Are True And People Are Telling You Information To Guide You And It's Good Solid Information, Than You Should Have It.

Should Have

People

Battle

But If That's What You Want To Be, That's What You Will Be - As Long As You Study.

Long

Want

Study

"and Tired" Always Followed Sick. Worst Beating I Ever Got In My Life, My Mother Said, "i Am Just Sick..." And I Said, "and Tired." I Don't Remember Anything After That.

Funny

Mother

Tired

A Word To The Wise Ain't Necessary - It's The Stupid Ones That Need The Advice.

Funny

Life

Wise

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

Trending Author