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While Fathers Are Pleasant Figureheads, There Is A Special Bond Between Children And Their Mothers. 'do You Help Your Mother Clean Up The House?' I Asked One Girl Of Seven. 'no,' She Sweetly Replied, 'i Help Make The Mess.' It's A Dirty Job But Somebody's Got To Do It.

-Bill Cosby

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While Fathers Are Pleasant

Bill Cosby

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While Fathers Are Pleasant Figureheads, There Is A Special Bond Between Children And Their Mothers. 'do You Help Your Mother Clean Up The House?' I Asked One Girl Of Seven. 'no,' She Sweetly Replied, 'i Help Make The Mess.' It's A Dirty Job But Somebody's Got To Do It.

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You People Are Not Prepared. You Are Well Educated And You Look Cute, But That's Not Going To Cut It.

I Love It When Mothers Get So Mad They Can't Remember Your Name. "come Here, Roy, Er, Rupert, Er, Rutabaga... What Is Your Name, Boy? And Don't Lie To Me, Because You Live Here, And I'll Find Out Who You Are."

"and Tired" Always Followed Sick. Worst Beating I Ever Got In My Life, My Mother Said, "i Am Just Sick..." And I Said, "and Tired." I Don't Remember Anything After That.

A Person With No Children Says, "well I Just Love Children," And You Say "why?" And They Say, "because A Child Is So Truthful, That's What I Love About 'em - They Tell The Truth." That's A Lie, I've Got Five Of 'em. The Only Time They Tell The Truth Is If They're Having Pain.

When A Person Has A Gun, Sometimes Their Mind Clicks That This Thing ... Will Win Arguments And Straighten People Out.

I Know People Are Tired Of Me Not Saying Anything, But A Guy Doesn't Have To Answer To Innuendos.

People Say "god Will Find A Way." God Can't Find A Way If You're In The Way.

All Children Have Brain Damage!

You Know My Father's Favorite Game? Come Here And Pull My Finger.

My Dad Came Over To The House... Went Into His Pocket And Pulled Out A Handful Of Money, And Began To Pass It Out To The Children... This Was The Same Man Who, When I Was His Child, I Would Ask Him For 50 Cents, This Man Would Tell Me His Life's Story.

Our Children Are Trying To Tell Us Something. And We Are Not Listening.

There Are No Absolutes In Raising Children. In Any Stressful Situation, Fathering Is Always A Roll Of The Dice. The Game May Be Messy, But I Have Never Found One With More Joys And Rewards.

Stressful Situations

In Spite Of The Seven Thousand Books Of Expert Advice, The Right Way To Disciplne A Child Is Still A Mystery To Most Fathers And...mothers Only Your Grandmother And Genghis Khan Know How To Do It.

While Fathers Are Pleasant Figureheads, There Is A Special Bond Between Children And Their Mothers. 'do You Help Your Mother Clean Up The House?' I Asked One Girl Of Seven. 'no,' She Sweetly Replied, 'i Help Make The Mess.' It's A Dirty Job But Somebody's Got To Do It.

There Should Be More On Television That Uplifts People And Shows Them How To Better Prepare Themselves For Earning A Living. There Still Aren't Enough People That Say "this Should Not Be." We Just Let It Go. We Need To Raise A Loud Voice About Our Fellow Human Beings.

Nobody Ever Says, "can I Have Your Beets?

After Creating The Heaven, The Earth, The Ocean, And The Entire Animal Kingdom, God Created Adam And Eve. And The First Thing He Said To Them Was "don't."

The First-born In Every Family Is Always Dreaming For An Imaginary Older Brother Or Sister Who Will Look Out For Them.

Intellectuals Are People Who Go To Study Things Other People Do Naturally.

You Can't Compete With Walmart. But You Can Have Smaller Businesses That Are Successful.

...it Was The Arts, Those Noble Expressions Of The Human Spirit That Are Communicated Through Literature, Dance, Song, Film, Drama, Painting And Sculpture, Among The Many Other Such Creative Means, That Helped Articulate The Sufferings Of [these] People That Were Heard Around The Globe.

I Don't Know The Key To Success, But The Key To Failure Is Trying To Please Everybody.

I Think The Part Of Media That Romanticizes Criminal Behavior, Things That A Person Will Say Against Women, Profanity, Being Gangster, Having Multiple Children With Multiple Men And Women And Not Wanting To Is Prevalent. When You Look At The Majority Of Shows On Television They Placate That Kind Of Behavior.

A Father... Knows Exactly What Those Boys At The Mall Have In Their Depraved Little Minds Because He Once Owned Such A Depraved Little Mind Himself. In Fact, If He Thinks Enough About The Plans That He Used To Have For Young Girls, The Father Not Only Will Support His Wife In Keeping Their Daughter Home But He Might Even Run Over To The Mall And Have A Few Of Those Boys Arrested.

People Will Frighten You About A Graduation....they Use Words You Don't Hear Often.

Why Do I Have To Feed The Kids? They Just Ate Twelve Hours Ago!

Let Us Now Set Forth One Of The Fundamental Truths About Marriage: The Wife Is In Charge.

I Did Not Want To Turn To Playing Golf Because Golf Is About As Much Exercise As Shuffling Cards.

Kids Need To Remember That When You Put Something On Twitter, It's Not Like Whispering To Your Friend, You've Put It On A Billboard That The Whole World, Including Your Own Kids Someday, Can See.

You'll Have Many, Many Friends, But If Your Relationship With Your Mate Is One Hundred Per Cent Of Your Heart, You'll Never Need A Friend.

I'm Going Out... Because I Deserve To Go Out! And I'm Going To Get Drunk... Because I Deserve To Get Drunk! And Get Out Of My Way!

Fatherhood Is Helping Your Children Learn English As A Foreign Language.

The Main Goal Of The Future Is To Stop Violence. The World Is Addicted To It.

I Use The Exercise Room Early, Because I Don't Want To Get On The Treadmill And Everyone's Going 'oh, Bill Cosby,' And Then They Come Around To See How Fast I'm Walking, And It Becomes Very Competitive.

I Wasn't Always Black... There Was This Freckle, And It Got Bigger And Bigger.

A Father Has To Do Everything In His Power To Keep A Tight Ship, Even Though He Knows The Crew Would Like To Send Him Away In A Dinghy.

What's Your Name Again? That's Right. I'm So Glad You Know Your Name.

I Didn't Know How Serious It Is To A Female That You Lift The Lid.

These People Marched And Were Hit In The Face With Rocks To Get An Education And Now We've Got These Knuckleheads Walking Round.

If The New American Father Feels Bewildered And Even Defeated, Let Him Take Comfort From The Fact That Whatever He Does In Any Fathering Situation Has A Fifty Percent Chance Of Being Right.

I Didn't Like What Was On Tv In Terms Of Sitcomsit Had Nothing To Do With The Color Of Themi Just Didn't Like Any Of Them. I Saw Little Kids, Let's Say 6 Or 7 Years Old, White Kids, Black Kids. And The Way They Were Addressing The Father Or The Mother, The Writers Had Turned Things Around, So The Little Children Were Smarter Than The Parent Or The Caregiver. They Were Just Not Funny To Me. I Felt That It Was Manipulative And The Audience Was Looking At Something That Had No Responsibility To The Family.

Parenting Needs To Come To The Forefront.

Raising Children Is An Incredibly Hard And Risky Business In Which No Cumulative Wisdom Is Gained: Each Generation Repeats The Mistakes The Previous One Made.

Well, I Really Don't Know What The Secret Of Success Is But I Can Tell You That The Secret Of Failure Is To Try To Please Everyone.

Mediocre People Are The Most Dangerous People In The World.

If A White Man Falls Off A Chair Drunk, It's Just A Drunk. If A Negro Does, It's The Whole Damn Negro Race.

I Guess The Real Reason That My Wife And I Had Children Is The Same Reason That Napoleon Had For Invading Russia: It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time.

If You Know Two Languages, The Level Of Your Intelligence Is Multiplied A Hundredfold In Other People's Eyes.

Fatherhood Is Asking Your Son To Make Up A Name Rather Than Tell Anybody Who He Is.

The Beautiful Thing About Older People Is Their Ability To Cut The Fat Off Of Conversation. When They Talk, They Don't Go On Forever And Ever. They Say What They Have To Say, And That's It. That Was My Grand Dad. Some Of The Things He Said Stunned Me, But His Words Were Logical. I'll Never Forget Them.

Because For Me It Is Almost Analgesic To Talk About What The White Man Is Doing Against Us. And It Keeps A Person Frozen In Their Seat, It Keeps You Frozen In Your Hole You’re Sitting In.

A White Person Listens To My Act And He Laughs And He Thinks, 'yeah, That's The Way I See It Too.' Okay. He's White. I'm Negro. And We Both See Things The Same Way. That Must Mean That We Are Alike..... So I Figure I'm Doing As Much For Good Race Relations As The Next Guy.

The Essence Of Childhood, Of Course, Is Play.

My Father Wanted Me To Play Pro Football, And He Didn't Like The Fact That I'd Left School. And He Said, "it Takes A Man To Play Football. And Any Fool Can Go Up On The Stage And Make An Ass Of Himself.

Criticizing Is Easy, Art Is Difficult.

If You Know What You Want, You Will Recognize It When You See It.

For College Seniors There Should Be A Week Of Being Allowed To Cry. Just Break Down And Cry Because You Are Scared And Don't Know What's Next.

I Was A Physical Education Major With A Child Psychology Minor At Temple, Which Means If You Ask Me A Question About A Child's Behavior, I Will Advise You To Tell The Child To Take A Lap.

Family Is Conflict And It's Something That We All Relate To.

Family Conflict

In Order To Succeed, Your Desire For Success Should Be Greater Than Your Fear Of Failure.

If You Took Your Child To The Dentist And Check For Cavities, The Child Likely Won't Get Them. If You Take Them Just For Emergency, That's All They're Gonna Get.

Did You Ever See The Customers In Health - Food Stores? They Are Pale, Skinny People Who Look Half - Dead. In A Steak House, You See Robust, Ruddy People. They're Dying, Of Course, But They Look Terrific.

And So The Dentist Says 'rinse.' So You Lean Over, And You're Lookin' At This Miniature Toilet Bowl.

Our Children Are Angry. The Profanity Is Out In The Street. It's On The Buses And In The Subway. Our Children Are Trying To Tell Us Something, And We Are Not Listening.

All Parents Experience The Same Problems.

There Is Hope For The Future Because God Has A Sense Of Humor And We Are Funny To God.

Racial Humor Was About 35% Of My Act When I First Started. But I Realized That It Was A Crutch. What Brought It Home Was When Another Comedian Said To Me, 'if You Changed Color Tomorrow, You Wouldn't Have Any Material.' He Meant It As A Put-down, But I Took It As A Challenge.

Fatherhood Is Pretending The Present You Love Most Is Soap-on-a-rope.

My Feeling Is, Personally, I Want To Die First... Because I Believe That When You Die, Your Soul Goes Immediately Up For Judgment - And I Don't Want My Wife Up There First. No, The Judgment Will Be Horrendous.

No Matter What You Think-life Goes On And The World Still Turns And The Universe Has Its Own Story. The Most We Can Do Is Plan Anyway, But Understand, Be Humbled By Things Greater Than Ourselves.

We Spoke To God About The Children, And We Were Afraid To Ask God For Specific Things. We Thought That It Might Be Too Much. So We Said To God 'please Give Us A Healthy Child' And Left It At That, Not Knowing That God Is A Generous God, But Also Has A Sense Of Humor. And If You Leave That Much Open For God, Some Wonderful Jokes Are Going To Come About.

There Should Be Marches In Every Neighborhood Every Day Telling The People About The Negativity Of Drugs And How The Drugs Help Us To Behave Negatively.

The Heart Of Marriage Is Memories; And If The Two Of You Happen To Have The Same Ones And Can Savor Your Reruns, Then Your Marriage Is A Gift From The Gods.

My Wife And I Have Five Children And The Reason Why We Have Five Children Is Because We Do Not Want Six.

If You're A Parent, The Five Worst Words You Can Say To Your Children Are, "when I Was Your Age ..." You Were Never Their Age. You Were Older In The Womb.

If You Have No Faith, You've Lost Your Battle. You Can't Let Things Just Happen. If You Know Right From Wrong, And You Know Proof That Certain Things Are True And People Are Telling You Information To Guide You And It's Good Solid Information, Than You Should Have It.

I Cannot Understand How The Education Of This United States Of America Has Been Fooled Time And Time Again. Either Make It Separate But Equal Or Integrate, Therefore It Will Be Equal. And It Has Been Separate And Unequal.

I Said To A Guy, "tell Me, What Is It About Cocaine That Makes It So Wonderful," And He Said, "because It Intensifies Your Personality." I Said, "yes, But What If You're An Asshole?"

Today's Parents Grew Up With The Silly Notion That Music Was Meant To Be Heard.

People Can Be More Forgiving Than You Can Imagine. But You Have To Forgive Yourself. Let Go Of What's Bitter And Move On.

My Wife Was A Beautiful Woman Before We Had Children.

Take Your Bottom Lip And Pull It Over Your Head.

Through Humor, You Can Soften Some Of The Worst Blows That Life Delivers.

Worst Situation

My Latest Blood Test Said My Cholesterol Was Very High And My Doctor Recommended Some Medicine For It. I Said "no" To His Recommendation And He Said "what Are You Going To Do?" I Said I Ate My Way Into This And I'm Going To Eat My Way Out Of It.

Never Forget That The Devil Is There 24/7 Too. He's Very, Very Busy.

In Genesis, It Is Stated God Walked On Earth. He Was There On The Level. After Watching Human Behavior, He Ascended Having Had Enough Of Us And Decided To Watch Over Us Instead.

Zip Zop Wop Boopity Bop.

When The Child Is Twelve, Your Wife Buys Her A Splendidly Silly Article Of Clothing Called A Training Bra. To Train What? I Never Had A Training Jock. And Believe Me, When I Played Football, I Could Have Used A Training Jock More Than Any Twelve-year-old Needs A Training Bra.

Emotionally, A Person Can Become So Negatively Driven That They Don't Respect The Privilege Of Being On This Earth Without Their Mother And Their Father. They May Say It Doesn't Bother Them, But There Is Something In Us About Those Who Are A Biological Part Of Us And Don't Care. People In That Situation Stop Hearing The Other Voices That Love Them, Hold Them, Trust Them And Tells Them How Great They Are. They're Focused On That One Person Who Isn't Answering Them.

All Around The United States Of America - In The Cities And The Counties - Our Public Education Is Suffering And Has Been Suffering. Cuts, Cuts, Cuts.

We Are The Only Animals That Let Our Kids Come Back Home.

I Don't Think You Can Bring The Races Together By Joking About The Differences Between Them. I'd Rather Talk About The Similarities, About What's Universal In Their Experiences.

My Grandfather Said, "when You Become Senile, You Won't Know It."

That Married Couples Can Live Together Day After Day Is A Miracle That The Vatican Has Overlooked.

Cute Relationship

I'm Not Going Out And Hitting A 95-mph Fastball Where I Can't See The Stitches. I'm Not On A Professional Football Team Looking To Tackle A Fullback Who Is Built Like Solid Wood. I'm A Thinking Person, And I've Been Blessed With The Ability To See Some Things And Talk About Them In A Way That Registers In A Humorous And Funny Way.

When I Was A Child, I Was Living In The Housing Projects Of Philadelphia. I Didn't Even Have A Christmas Tree.

The Worst Thing To Do Is To Die While Reading Life Magazine.

Brown Versus The Board Of Education Is No Longer The White Person's Problem.

Board Of Education

Civilization Had Too Many Rules For Me, So I Did My Best To Rewrite Them.

My Childhood Should Have Taught Me Lessons For My Own Fatherhood, But It Didn't Because Parenting Can Only Be Learned By People Who Have No Children.

A Pelican That Is Wet Walks With A Gated Limp, But A Dry Fish Swims Alone.

A Word To The Wise Ain't Necessary - It's The Stupid Ones That Need The Advice.

In Your 50s, Time Becomes Precious And Must Not Be Wasted. Every Minute Is An Excellent Opportunity For A Good Nap. Happy 50th Birthday!

I Think You Need To Make Responsibility Something That's Not Just A Word.

The Heart Of Marriage Is Memories.

Fatherhood Is Telling Your Daughter That Michael Jackson Loves All His Fans, But Has Special Feelings For The Ones Who Eat Broccoli.

The Weatherman Is Always Right. It's Just His Timing That's Off.

On Many Young Actors That Don't Give Their Parents Proper Credit: I'm Still Waiting For Some Actor To Win, Say, An Oscar... And Deliver The Following Acceptance Speech: I Would Like To Thank My Parents, First Of All, For Letting Me Live.

People Will Frighten You About A Graduation.... They Use Words You Don't Hear Often: And We Wish You Godspeed." It Is A Warning, Godspeed. It Means You Are No Longer Welcome Here At These Prices."

The First Time I Came Across The Birds And The Bees In Actual Flight, I Couldn't Identify The Formation.

You Can Never Give Complete Authority And Overall Power To Anyone Until Trust Can Be Proven.

Anyone Who Has Brought Up Children Knows That Consistency Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Discipline.

I've Got A Ferrari. Vroom! I Do 104 From The Garage To The Front Door.

Dentists Tell You Not To Pick Your Teeth With Any Sharp Metal Object. Then You Sit In Their Chair And The First Thing They Grab Is An Iron Hook.

Your Parents Put A Curse On You - Someday Your Kids Are Going To Act Just Like You.

You Also Notice That The Right Side Of Your Face Feels Like It's Sliding Off Of Your Skull. And Your Bottom Lip Is In Your Lap!

Every Romance Does Not Lead To Sex.

Immortality Is A Long Shot, I Admit. But Somebody Has To Be First.

Decide That You Want It More Than You Are Afraid Of It.

God Has A Sense Of Humor Though And He Must See Funny Things In Us. He Must Also Have Some Love. We're Still Here And There Are Still Great Things That Go On. There Are Great Doctors Who Discover How To Separate Twins And How To Put Together A Human Being To Walk Again After It's Said He Won't. Those Are All There As Signs.

When I Decided That I Wanted To Go To College, I Wanted To Be A School Teacher For 7th And 8th Grade Boys Because I Felt That Was An Important Time For Them. I Had Gone Astray At That Point In My Life And Really Wanted To Help Keep Them From Making The Same Mistake I Had Made.

No Matter How Calmly You Try To Referee, Parenting Will Eventually Produce Bizarre Behavior, And I'm Not Talking About The Kids. Their Behavior Is Always Normal.

Romance Is A Different Word Than Sexual Contact.

I Am Certainly Not An Authority On Love Because There Are No Authorities On Love, Just Those Who've Had Luck With It And Those Who Haven't.

It's Painful, But We Can't Heal Ourselves Unless We Cleanse The Wounds.

Nothing I've Ever Done Has Given Me More Joys And Rewards Than Being A Father To My Children.

I’m Supposed To Figure Out If The Glass Is Half Full Or Half Empty,” I Told Her. Without A Moment’s Hesitation, In A Split Second, My Grandmother Shrugged And Said: “it Depends On If You’re Drinking Or Pouring.

When You Introduce Competition Into The Public School System, Most Studies Show That Schools Start To Do Better When They Are Competing For Students.

The Mother May Be Doing Ninety Percent Of The Disciplining, But The Father Still Must Have A Full-time Acceptance Of All The Children. He Never Must Say, "get These Kids Out Of Here; I'm Trying To Watch Tv." If He Ever Does Start Saying This, He Is Liable To See One Of His Kids On The Six O'clock News.

I Don't Have A Clue About The Way To Achievement, However The Way To Disappointment Is Attempting To Please Everyone.

The Very First Law In Advertising Is To Avoid The Concrete Promise And Cultivate The Delightfully Vague.

It Is A Warning, Godspeed. It Means You Are No Longer Welcome Here At These Prices.

Laughter Brings Out The Child In All Of Us.

You Are A Genius!... And I Am A Genius Because I Married You.

One Of The Great Mistakes That Can Be Made By A Man Of My Age Is To Get Involved In Athletic Competition With Children-unless, Of Course, They Are Under Six. And Even Then, Stay Away From Hide-and-seek.

That's Why Ears Have Cartilage, To Keep Them From Flapping.

Parents Are People Who Yell And They Yell And They Yell And They Yell. And You Already Have The Point... And They're Still Yelling.

I'm Not Sure If My Parents Had Me Because They Loved Me, Or Because They Wanted Someone To Watch Their Other Children.

I Am Not Afraid Of Crashing, My Secret Is . . . Just Before We Hit The Ground, I Jump As High As I Can.

In Spite Of The Six Thousand Manuals On Child Raising In The Bookstores, Child Raising Is Still A Dark Continent And No One Really Knows Anything. You Just Need A Lot Of Love And Luck - And, Of Course, Courage.

You Can Teach An Old Dog New Tricks. You Just Don't Want To See The Dog Doing Them.

Poets Have Said That The Reason To Have Children Is To Give Yourself Immortality. Immortality? Now That I Have Five Children, My Only Hope Is That They Are All Out Of The House Before I Die.

A Grandchild Is God's Reward For Raising A Child.

Let Me Say This: I Only Expect The Black Media To Uphold The Standards Of Excellence In Journalism And When You Do That, You Have To Go In With A Neutral Mind.

The Game Of Chess. Supposedly Men Made It Up, And It's About War And Men And The Ravages And The Bravery And The Genius Of Commanding And Moving Pieces And ... No. It's Marriage. The Queen Moves Anywhere She Wants.

Meadowlark And I Share A Common Vision Of Bringing Joy And Laughter To Others.

When I Was A Boy If A Girl Got Pregnant The Shame Was Placed On Her And The Boy Could Get Away.

You Are Not Going To 'go Forth.' You Are Going To Take That Damn Hat Off And You're Going To Get A Job.

The Essence Of Childhood, Of Course, Is Play, Which My Friends And I Did Endlessly On Streets That We Reluctantly Shared With Traffic.

I Recently Turned Fifty, Which Is Young For A Tree, Mid-life For An Elephant, And Ancient For A Quarter-miler, Whose Son Now Says, "dad, I Just Can't Run The Quarter With You Anymore, Unless I Bring Something To Read."

You Know The Only People Who Are Always Sure About The Proper Way To Raise Children? Those Who've Never Had Any.

My Eleven Year Old Daughter Mopes Around The House All Day Waiting For Her Breasts To Grow.

I'm Not The Boss Of My House. I Don't Know How I Lost It, I Don't Know When I Lost It, I Don't Really Think I Ever Had It. But I've Seen The Boss's Job...and I Don't Want It!

Grandparents Are God's Gifts To Children.

Most Fathers And... Mothers. Only Your Grandmother And Ghengis Khan Know How To Do It.

You Can Turn Painful Situations Around Through Laughter. If You Can Find Humor In Anything, Even Poverty, You Can Survive It.

What Is It About Grandparents That Is So Lovely? I'd Like To Say That Grandparents Are God's Gifts To Children.

'don't Worry About Senility', My Grandfather Used To Say.

Is The Glass Half Full, Or Half Empty? It Depends On Whether You're Pouring, Or Drinking.

The Problem Is That Your Daughter Has Given Her Heart To A 15-year-old Boy, And A 15-year-old Boy Does Not Yet Qualify As A Human Being.

Man Can Not Live By Bread Alone ... He Must Have Peanut Butter.

People Should Fact Check. People Shouldn’t Have To Go Through That And Shouldn’t Answer To Innuendos.

My Children Love My Mother, And I Tell My Children, That Is Not The Same Woman I Grew Up With...that Is An Old Woman Trying To Get Into Heaven Now.

Why Do Kids Always Say Peace Out, I Though Peace Was In.

I Was'nt Always Black. There Was This Freckel That Just Grew And Grew.

When You Graduate From College, They Tell You To Follow Your Dreams. Does Anyone Say You Have To Wake Up First?

George Carlin Is Brilliant With Words, And Johnny Winters Is Very Creative. It's Taking Something Common And Drawing Out The Humor, Being Clever With Words.

When My Son Was Murdered People Asked Me How I Felt About God And What Had Happened To My Son. I Said "no, You Can't Go There. You Have To Understand That There Is A Devil And He Works 24/7. Whoever Murdered Our Son Was With The Devil."

Education Happens To Be Something That All People, All Cultures, Need To Embrace. Math, Science, The Words Of The World. To Be Able To Speak And Be Able To Have Clarity And To Be Able To Think. Those Are The Greatest Of Gifts.

If You Can Find Humour In Anything, You Can Survive It

Beware Of People Who Fall At Your Feet. They May Be Reaching For The Corner Of The Rug.

And Of Course, When You See Your Brother In The Toilet Bowl...there's A Little Voice That Say, 'i Wonder Where He Would Go...'...if It Hadn't Been For His Head.

I Don't Wear No Condom And I Don't Plan For No Kids.

I Brought You In This World, And I Can Take You Out!

My Mother Was An Authority On Pig Sties. This Is The Worst Looking Pigsty I Have Ever Seen In My Life, And I Want It Cleaned Up Right Now.

There Are Certain Times Of The Day When You Need A Balance - That Is, Your Protein And Your Carbs. I'm A Barry Sears Man. I Believe That Anything Green Is A Carb, And I Need 2:1. Two Of The Carbs To One Of The Protein.

The Three Ingredients Of A Successful Union Between Two ... Humor, Commitment & Undying Love.

A New Father Quickly Learns That His Child Invariably Comes To The Bathroom At Precisely The Times When He's In There, As If He Needed Company. The Only Way For This Father To Be Certain Of Bathroom Privacy Is To Shave At The Gas Station.

As A Comedian, I Can Walk Out In Front Of 5000 People And Not Worry About A Thing. Not A Thing, Believe Me. But To Stand Up A Face A Camera And Crew Of Maybe 15 Guys And Get Up Tight About It - To Me That's Weird.

The Dentist Drills Some More And You Hear Him Make A Mistake. And To Cover It Up, They All Say The Same Thing: "okay, Rinse."

As I Have Discovered By Examining My Past, I Started Out As A Child. Coincidentally, So Did My Brother. My Mother Did Not Put All Her Eggs In One Basket, So To Speak: She Gave Me A Younger Brother Named Russell, Who Taught Me What Was Meant By 'survival Of The Fittest.'

You Can't Be Everything To Everyone

Everything Happens For A Reason

I Often Try To Tell Kids To Think About All The People Who Love You, Don't Cry Over The One Person Who Doesn't.

Listen To John Coltrane Enough And After Two Bars, Just Two Bars At Any Place, And You Know That's Him. We All Have Signature Things That Happen To Be Similar That You Can Predict And You Try To Stay Away From That Except The Rhythms: Those Pauses, They're Part Of My Signature, The Part Where I Know When I Say Nothing, I Already Painted Enough, Led Enough And I Don't Even Have To Say Anything. But Those Pauses Don't Belong To Me. Jack Benny Was One Of The First Guys In Comedy To Make The Anticipation So Great That During The Pause People Start To Laugh Before The Execution.

This Happened To The People. The Constitution Says Of The People, By The People, For The People... But The People Who Got The Office, Got Into Office And Forgot About The People.

I Feel That In-person Contact With People Is The Most Important Thing In Comedy. While I'm Up On Stage, I Can Actually Put Myself Into The Audience And Adjust My Pace And Tuning To Them. I Can Get Into Their Heads Through Their Ears And Through Their Eyes. Only Through This Total Communication Can I Really Achieve What I'm Trying To Do.

I Want All This Loud Profanity In The Street Stopped. I Want People To Think About Choices.

We Cannot Afford To Settle For Being Just Average; We Must Learn As Much As We Can To Be The Best That We Can. The Key Word Is Education - Education With Maximum Effort. Without It, We Cannot Be In Charge Of Ourselves Or Anyone Else.

Through Humor, You Can Soften Some Of The Worst Blows That Life Delivers. And Once You Find Laughter, No Matter How Painful Your Situation Might Be, You Can Survive It.

When You're A Father You Censor Yourself. You Get Just As Angry With A Child But You Don't Want To Say, "what The Filth And Foul And I'll Filth And Foul, Filth And Foul And, Yeah, Ya Filth And Foul Face, And I'll Filth And Foul, Foul, Filth!" You Don't Want To Say That To A Child So You Censor Yourself And You Sound Like An Idiot: "what The... Get Your... I'll Put A... Get Out Of My Face!"

You Can Not Make Everybody Happy.

I Don't Have A Problem Believing In God And Jesus. But In Genesis One Has To Wonder About These Sentences That Just Go On And End Without Finishing. The Thought Is Unfinished. Where Did Adam Go? What Is He Doing? Hello? There Has To Be Some Pages Missing.

I Am Proud To Be An American. Because An American Can Eat Anything On The Face Of This Earth As Long As He Has Two Pieces Of Bread.

The Measure Ov Overexposure Is Not How Many Times People See You On Tv Or In The Bookstores. It's Whether You Can Maintain The Quality Of Your Entertainment. If You Can, People Will Always Be Glad To See You.

I Have To Follow My Thoughts And Mine For The Gold. I Have To Dig It Out.

Sometimes You Try To Help People, And It Backfires On You, And Then They Try To Take Advantage Of You.

Ours Is A Youth Culture, And Like A Golf Tournament, We Honor Only Low Scores.

When You Carry A Gun, You Mean To Harm Somebody, Kill Somebody.

If You Have No Faith, You've Lost Your Battle.

Any Husband Who Says, "my Wife And I Are Completely Equal Partners," Is Talking About Either A Law Firm Or A Hand Of Bridge.

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