Background Image

...

A White Person Listens To My Act And He Laughs And He Thinks, 'yeah, That's The Way I See It Too.' Okay. He's White. I'm Negro. And We Both See Things The Same Way. That Must Mean That We Are Alike..... So I Figure I'm Doing As Much For Good Race Relations As The Next Guy.

-Bill Cosby

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

A White Person Listens

Bill Cosby

...

A White Person Listens To My Act And He Laughs And He Thinks, 'yeah, That's The Way I See It Too.' Okay. He's White. I'm Negro. And We Both See Things The Same Way. That Must Mean That We Are Alike..... So I Figure I'm Doing As Much For Good Race Relations As The Next Guy.

Views: 5

Topic

More From Bill Cosby

Gray Hair Is God's Graffiti.

I Have To Follow My Thoughts And Mine For The Gold. I Have To Dig It Out.

When You Graduate From College, They Tell You To Follow Your Dreams. Does Anyone Say You Have To Wake Up First?

If You Know Two Languages, The Level Of Your Intelligence Is Multiplied A Hundredfold In Other People's Eyes.

'don't Worry About Senility', My Grandfather Used To Say.

You People Are Not Prepared. You Are Well Educated And You Look Cute, But That's Not Going To Cut It.

Parenting Needs To Come To The Forefront.

This Happened To The People. The Constitution Says Of The People, By The People, For The People... But The People Who Got The Office, Got Into Office And Forgot About The People.

Your Parents Put A Curse On You - Someday Your Kids Are Going To Act Just Like You.

The Heart Of Marriage Is Memories; And If The Two Of You Happen To Have The Same Ones And Can Savor Your Reruns, Then Your Marriage Is A Gift From The Gods.

If You Know What You Want, You Will Recognize It When You See It.

A Pelican That Is Wet Walks With A Gated Limp, But A Dry Fish Swims Alone.

In Spite Of The Six Thousand Manuals On Child Raising In The Bookstores, Child Raising Is Still A Dark Continent And No One Really Knows Anything. You Just Need A Lot Of Love And Luck - And, Of Course, Courage.

Human Beings Are The Only Creatures On Earth That Allow Their Children To Come Back Home.

The Problem Is That Your Daughter Has Given Her Heart To A 15-year-old Boy, And A 15-year-old Boy Does Not Yet Qualify As A Human Being.

"and Tired" Always Followed Sick. Worst Beating I Ever Got In My Life, My Mother Said, "i Am Just Sick..." And I Said, "and Tired." I Don't Remember Anything After That.

What Best Defines A Child Is The Total Inability To Receive Information From Anything Not Plugged In.

I Didn't Like What Was On Tv In Terms Of Sitcomsit Had Nothing To Do With The Color Of Themi Just Didn't Like Any Of Them. I Saw Little Kids, Let's Say 6 Or 7 Years Old, White Kids, Black Kids. And The Way They Were Addressing The Father Or The Mother, The Writers Had Turned Things Around, So The Little Children Were Smarter Than The Parent Or The Caregiver. They Were Just Not Funny To Me. I Felt That It Was Manipulative And The Audience Was Looking At Something That Had No Responsibility To The Family.

We Cannot Afford To Settle For Being Just Average; We Must Learn As Much As We Can To Be The Best That We Can. The Key Word Is Education - Education With Maximum Effort. Without It, We Cannot Be In Charge Of Ourselves Or Anyone Else.

The Essence Of Childhood, Of Course, Is Play.

Let Me Say This: I Only Expect The Black Media To Uphold The Standards Of Excellence In Journalism And When You Do That, You Have To Go In With A Neutral Mind.

I Often Try To Tell Kids To Think About All The People Who Love You, Don't Cry Over The One Person Who Doesn't.

Even Though Your Kids Will Consistently Do The Exact Opposite Of What You're Telling Them To Do, You Have To Keep Loving Them Just As Much.

While Fathers Are Pleasant Figureheads, There Is A Special Bond Between Children And Their Mothers. 'do You Help Your Mother Clean Up The House?' I Asked One Girl Of Seven. 'no,' She Sweetly Replied, 'i Help Make The Mess.' It's A Dirty Job But Somebody's Got To Do It.

Have You Ever Had A Cookie? Then You Won't Get Any Here Either.

Never Say [to Younger People] "that Was Before Your Time," Because The Last Full Moon Was Before Their Time!

I Am Proud To Be An American. Because An American Can Eat Anything On The Face Of This Earth As Long As He Has Two Pieces Of Bread.

Parents Are Not Interested In Justice, They're Interested In Peace And Quiet.

When I Was A Boy If A Girl Got Pregnant The Shame Was Placed On Her And The Boy Could Get Away.

The Serve Was Invented So That The Net Could Play.

It Is A Warning, Godspeed. It Means You Are No Longer Welcome Here At These Prices.

A Father... Knows Exactly What Those Boys At The Mall Have In Their Depraved Little Minds Because He Once Owned Such A Depraved Little Mind Himself. In Fact, If He Thinks Enough About The Plans That He Used To Have For Young Girls, The Father Not Only Will Support His Wife In Keeping Their Daughter Home But He Might Even Run Over To The Mall And Have A Few Of Those Boys Arrested.

Anyone Can Dabble, But Once You've Made That Commitment, Your Blood Has That Particular Thing In It, And It's Very Hard For People To Stop You.

Some Authority On Parenting Once Said, "hold Them Very Close And Then Let Them Go." This Is The Hardest Truth For A Father To Learn: That His Children Are Continuously Growing Up And Moving Away From Him (until, Of Course, They Move Back In).

A Sail Boat That Sails Backwards Can Never See The Sun Rise.

I Want To Get Violence - I Want Schools To Start From K Through 12 To Just Every Day Have Teachers Understand That They Don't Want To Talk About Anything That Is Violent, And They Want To Explain To The Children How Bad Violence Is And How Behavior - Violent Behavior, Is Something That They Really Should Not Practice And Think About.

People Should Fact Check. People Shouldn’t Have To Go Through That And Shouldn’t Answer To Innuendos.

My Wife And I Have Five Children And The Reason Why We Have Five Children Is Because We Do Not Want Six.

I Love It When Mothers Get So Mad They Can't Remember Your Name. "come Here, Roy, Er, Rupert, Er, Rutabaga... What Is Your Name, Boy? And Don't Lie To Me, Because You Live Here, And I'll Find Out Who You Are."

Emotionally, A Person Can Become So Negatively Driven That They Don't Respect The Privilege Of Being On This Earth Without Their Mother And Their Father. They May Say It Doesn't Bother Them, But There Is Something In Us About Those Who Are A Biological Part Of Us And Don't Care. People In That Situation Stop Hearing The Other Voices That Love Them, Hold Them, Trust Them And Tells Them How Great They Are. They're Focused On That One Person Who Isn't Answering Them.

Today's Parents Grew Up With The Silly Notion That Music Was Meant To Be Heard.

The Game Of Chess. Supposedly Men Made It Up, And It's About War And Men And The Ravages And The Bravery And The Genius Of Commanding And Moving Pieces And ... No. It's Marriage. The Queen Moves Anywhere She Wants.

My Mother Comes In My Room And Says, "just Look At This Mess! This Is A Pig Sty!" Now, I've Already Been In The Room Five Hours, And She Wants Me To Look At It.

These People Marched And Were Hit In The Face With Rocks To Get An Education And Now We've Got These Knuckleheads Walking Round.

In Spite Of The Seven Thousand Books Of Expert Advice, The Right Way To Disciplne A Child Is Still A Mystery To Most Fathers And...mothers Only Your Grandmother And Genghis Khan Know How To Do It.

There Are Certain Times Of The Day When You Need A Balance - That Is, Your Protein And Your Carbs. I'm A Barry Sears Man. I Believe That Anything Green Is A Carb, And I Need 2:1. Two Of The Carbs To One Of The Protein.

You Can Turn Painful Situations Around Through Laughter. If You Can Find Humor In Anything, Even Poverty, You Can Survive It.

Decide That You Want It More Than You Are Afraid Of It.

If You Want To Be Seen, Stand Up. If You Want To Be Heard, Speak Up. If You Want To Be Appreciated, Shut Up.

People Will Frighten You About A Graduation.... They Use Words You Don't Hear Often: And We Wish You Godspeed." It Is A Warning, Godspeed. It Means You Are No Longer Welcome Here At These Prices."

Never Forget That The Devil Is There 24/7 Too. He's Very, Very Busy.

One Of The Great Mistakes That Can Be Made By A Man Of My Age Is To Get Involved In Athletic Competition With Children-unless, Of Course, They Are Under Six. And Even Then, Stay Away From Hide-and-seek.

It Is Not A Matter Of Who Is Rejecting Me, As Much As It Is Somebody May Get It, And I Am Going To Keep Plowing Through It Because In This World Of Education, There Is A Harvest.

The Secret Of Success Is To Be Like A Duck, Smooth And Unruffled On Top, But Paddling Furiously Underneath.

Now, This Is The Fun Part About Getting Stoned. They Get Stoned, Then They Become Paranoid. Now, When They Started Out, They Said, "let's Get High And Have Fun." So They're High; Now They're Paranoid. "am I Falling Out Of This Chair?"

That Married Couples Can Live Together Day After Day Is A Miracle That The Vatican Has Overlooked.

Cute Relationship

As I Have Discovered By Examining My Past, I Started Out As A Child. Coincidentally, So Did My Brother. My Mother Did Not Put All Her Eggs In One Basket, So To Speak: She Gave Me A Younger Brother Named Russell, Who Taught Me What Was Meant By 'survival Of The Fittest.'

Listen To John Coltrane Enough And After Two Bars, Just Two Bars At Any Place, And You Know That's Him. We All Have Signature Things That Happen To Be Similar That You Can Predict And You Try To Stay Away From That Except The Rhythms: Those Pauses, They're Part Of My Signature, The Part Where I Know When I Say Nothing, I Already Painted Enough, Led Enough And I Don't Even Have To Say Anything. But Those Pauses Don't Belong To Me. Jack Benny Was One Of The First Guys In Comedy To Make The Anticipation So Great That During The Pause People Start To Laugh Before The Execution.

Sometimes You Try To Help People, And It Backfires On You, And Then They Try To Take Advantage Of You.

Grandparents Are God's Gifts To Children.

In My Old Neighborhood, A Boy Stopped Playing When He Began To Lose His Pulse. And Then He Became The Referee.

Old Neighborhood

A Person With No Children Says, "well I Just Love Children," And You Say "why?" And They Say, "because A Child Is So Truthful, That's What I Love About 'em - They Tell The Truth." That's A Lie, I've Got Five Of 'em. The Only Time They Tell The Truth Is If They're Having Pain.

A Baseball Manager Has Learned A Lot About His Job From Having Played The Game, But A Parent Has Not Learned A Thing From Having Once Been A Child.

And To Those People With No Children But Who Think They'd Like To Have Them Some Day To Fulfill Their Lives. Remember: With Fulfillment Comes Responsibility.

You Can Never Give Complete Authority And Overall Power To Anyone Until Trust Can Be Proven.

I Guess The Real Reason That My Wife And I Had Children Is The Same Reason That Napoleon Had For Invading Russia: It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time.

There Is No Labor A Person Does That Is Undignified; If They Do It Right.

That's Why Ears Have Cartilage, To Keep Them From Flapping.

A Father Has To Do Everything In His Power To Keep A Tight Ship, Even Though He Knows The Crew Would Like To Send Him Away In A Dinghy.

Immortality Is A Long Shot, I Admit. But Somebody Has To Be First.

Nothing Separates The Generations More Than Music. By The Time A Child Is Eight Or Nine, He Has Developed A Passion For His Own Music That Is Even Stronger Than His Passions For Procrastination And Weird Clothes.

I Recently Turned Fifty, Which Is Young For A Tree, Mid-life For An Elephant, And Ancient For A Quarter-miler, Whose Son Now Says, "dad, I Just Can't Run The Quarter With You Anymore, Unless I Bring Something To Read."

You Can Not Make Everybody Happy.

Nothing I've Ever Done Has Given Me More Joys And Rewards Than Being A Father To My Children.

I Am Not Afraid Of Crashing, My Secret Is . . . Just Before We Hit The Ground, I Jump As High As I Can.

All Parents Experience The Same Problems.

I’m Supposed To Figure Out If The Glass Is Half Full Or Half Empty,” I Told Her. Without A Moment’s Hesitation, In A Split Second, My Grandmother Shrugged And Said: “it Depends On If You’re Drinking Or Pouring.

I Want All This Loud Profanity In The Street Stopped. I Want People To Think About Choices.

My Children Love My Mother, And I Tell My Children, That Is Not The Same Woman I Grew Up With...that Is An Old Woman Trying To Get Into Heaven Now.

I Think The Part Of Media That Romanticizes Criminal Behavior, Things That A Person Will Say Against Women, Profanity, Being Gangster, Having Multiple Children With Multiple Men And Women And Not Wanting To Is Prevalent. When You Look At The Majority Of Shows On Television They Placate That Kind Of Behavior.

Repeat After Me. I Promise Not To Run Outside Of The House. I Promise Not To Run Inside Of The House. I Promise Not To Touch, Pick Up, Step On, Anything That Looks Interesting.

All Around The United States Of America - In The Cities And The Counties - Our Public Education Is Suffering And Has Been Suffering. Cuts, Cuts, Cuts.

Civilization Had Too Many Rules For Me, So I Did My Best To Rewrite Them.

Man Can Not Live By Bread Alone ... He Must Have Peanut Butter.

Nobody Ever Says, "can I Have Your Beets?

I Don't Wear No Condom And I Don't Plan For No Kids.

I Wasn't Always Black... There Was This Freckle, And It Got Bigger And Bigger.

If You Have No Faith, You've Lost Your Battle. You Can't Let Things Just Happen. If You Know Right From Wrong, And You Know Proof That Certain Things Are True And People Are Telling You Information To Guide You And It's Good Solid Information, Than You Should Have It.

I'm Not Sure If My Parents Had Me Because They Loved Me, Or Because They Wanted Someone To Watch Their Other Children.

When The Child Is Twelve, Your Wife Buys Her A Splendidly Silly Article Of Clothing Called A Training Bra. To Train What? I Never Had A Training Jock. And Believe Me, When I Played Football, I Could Have Used A Training Jock More Than Any Twelve-year-old Needs A Training Bra.

You Know My Father's Favorite Game? Come Here And Pull My Finger.

Our Children Are Angry. The Profanity Is Out In The Street. It's On The Buses And In The Subway. Our Children Are Trying To Tell Us Something, And We Are Not Listening.

We Spoke To God About The Children, And We Were Afraid To Ask God For Specific Things. We Thought That It Might Be Too Much. So We Said To God 'please Give Us A Healthy Child' And Left It At That, Not Knowing That God Is A Generous God, But Also Has A Sense Of Humor. And If You Leave That Much Open For God, Some Wonderful Jokes Are Going To Come About.

What Is It About Grandparents That Is So Lovely? I'd Like To Say That Grandparents Are God's Gifts To Children.

I'm Not The Boss Of My House. I Don't Know How I Lost It, I Don't Know When I Lost It, I Don't Really Think I Ever Had It. But I've Seen The Boss's Job...and I Don't Want It!

If You Listen Carefully To What A Child Is Saying To You, You'll See That He Has A Point To Make. So I Listen. And I Answer Them Just As Seriously As Possible. And If I Don't Know The Answer, I'll Tell Them I Don't Know.

I Am Certainly Not An Authority On Love Because There Are No Authorities On Love, Just Those Who've Had Luck With It And Those Who Haven't.

You Also Notice That The Right Side Of Your Face Feels Like It's Sliding Off Of Your Skull. And Your Bottom Lip Is In Your Lap!

Raising Children Is An Incredibly Hard And Risky Business In Which No Cumulative Wisdom Is Gained: Each Generation Repeats The Mistakes The Previous One Made.

Most Fathers And... Mothers. Only Your Grandmother And Ghengis Khan Know How To Do It.

It's More Blessed To Give Than To Receive - Especially Kittens.

It's Painful, But We Can't Heal Ourselves Unless We Cleanse The Wounds.

Family Is Conflict And It's Something That We All Relate To.

Family Conflict

You Can Teach An Old Dog New Tricks. You Just Don't Want To See The Dog Doing Them.

I Brought You In This World, And I Can Take You Out!

I Once Asked My Father For A Dollar For The School Picnic. He Told Me How He Once Killed A Grizzly Bear With His Loose-leaf Notebook.

No Matter How Calmly You Try To Referee, Parenting Will Eventually Produce Bizarre Behavior, And I'm Not Talking About The Kids. Their Behavior Is Always Normal.

My Dad Came Over To The House... Went Into His Pocket And Pulled Out A Handful Of Money, And Began To Pass It Out To The Children... This Was The Same Man Who, When I Was His Child, I Would Ask Him For 50 Cents, This Man Would Tell Me His Life's Story.

When I Say, 'i Don't Care What White People Think,' I Mean That.

Fatherhood Is Telling Your Daughter That Michael Jackson Loves All His Fans, But Has Special Feelings For The Ones Who Eat Broccoli.

The First-born In Every Family Is Always Dreaming For An Imaginary Older Brother Or Sister Who Will Look Out For Them.

Anecdote: In A Controversial Way, Comedian And Actor Bill Cosby Sought To Teach His Son The Pain Of Being Lied To. Convinced His Son Had Been Dishonest Regarding An Issue, Cosby Promised That If He Told Him The Truth, He Would Not Hit Him. When His Son Did Confess, Cosby Did Hit Him. Seeing His Son's Shock And Hurt, Cosby Said He Hoped This Lesson Had Deepened His Understanding Of The Anguish Generated By A Sense Betrayal.

My Father Wanted Me To Play Pro Football, And He Didn't Like The Fact That I'd Left School. And He Said, "it Takes A Man To Play Football. And Any Fool Can Go Up On The Stage And Make An Ass Of Himself.

If You're A Parent, The Five Worst Words You Can Say To Your Children Are, "when I Was Your Age ..." You Were Never Their Age. You Were Older In The Womb.

Meadowlark And I Share A Common Vision Of Bringing Joy And Laughter To Others.

With My Wife Camille's Help, I Took To Social Networking. I'm Working With The Computers.

Ours Is A Youth Culture, And Like A Golf Tournament, We Honor Only Low Scores.

I Feel That In-person Contact With People Is The Most Important Thing In Comedy. While I'm Up On Stage, I Can Actually Put Myself Into The Audience And Adjust My Pace And Tuning To Them. I Can Get Into Their Heads Through Their Ears And Through Their Eyes. Only Through This Total Communication Can I Really Achieve What I'm Trying To Do.

Why Do I Have To Feed The Kids? They Just Ate Twelve Hours Ago!

I Don't Have A Clue About The Way To Achievement, However The Way To Disappointment Is Attempting To Please Everyone.

I've Got A Ferrari. Vroom! I Do 104 From The Garage To The Front Door.

Our Children Are Trying To Tell Us Something. And We Are Not Listening.

My Grandpa Didn't Believe In Hugging And Kissing, Or Saying I Love You. His Love Had To Do With The Way He Treated You. When He Said, We're Going Here, We're Going There, He Was Telling Me About Life. That Was His Love For Me. My Love For Him Was Listening To What He Said, Keeping Out Of Trouble, Doing Right, Being Fair.

If A White Man Falls Off A Chair Drunk, It's Just A Drunk. If A Negro Does, It's The Whole Damn Negro Race.

The Wisest Married Men Give In Early. They Get In Touch With The Wife Side Of Themselves, And That's When They Stop Arguing.

You Are A Genius!... And I Am A Genius Because I Married You.

I Did Not Want To Turn To Playing Golf Because Golf Is About As Much Exercise As Shuffling Cards.

Let Us Now Set Forth One Of The Fundamental Truths About Marriage: The Wife Is In Charge.

When You're A Father You Censor Yourself. You Get Just As Angry With A Child But You Don't Want To Say, "what The Filth And Foul And I'll Filth And Foul, Filth And Foul And, Yeah, Ya Filth And Foul Face, And I'll Filth And Foul, Foul, Filth!" You Don't Want To Say That To A Child So You Censor Yourself And You Sound Like An Idiot: "what The... Get Your... I'll Put A... Get Out Of My Face!"

There Is Hope For The Future Because God Has A Sense Of Humor And We Are Funny To God.

You'll Have Many, Many Friends, But If Your Relationship With Your Mate Is One Hundred Per Cent Of Your Heart, You'll Never Need A Friend.

You Know The Only People Who Are Always Sure About The Proper Way To Raise Children? Those Who've Never Had Any.

Fatherhood Is Asking Your Son To Make Up A Name Rather Than Tell Anybody Who He Is.

When I Decided That I Wanted To Go To College, I Wanted To Be A School Teacher For 7th And 8th Grade Boys Because I Felt That Was An Important Time For Them. I Had Gone Astray At That Point In My Life And Really Wanted To Help Keep Them From Making The Same Mistake I Had Made.

The First Time I Came Across The Birds And The Bees In Actual Flight, I Couldn't Identify The Formation.

I'm Not Saying Looting Is Good, ... But I'm Saying Surely At A Time When Your Child Needs Diapers And You Need Food, When Does Looting Stop.

Zip Zop Wop Boopity Bop.

If You Took Your Child To The Dentist And Check For Cavities, The Child Likely Won't Get Them. If You Take Them Just For Emergency, That's All They're Gonna Get.

It Doesn't Make Any Difference How Much Money A Father Earns, His Name Is Always Dad-can-i.... Like All Other Children, My Five Have One Great Talent: They Are Gifted Beggars. Not One Of Them Ever Ran Into The Room, Looked Up At Me, And Said, "i'm Really Happy That You're My Father, And As A Tangible Token Of My Appreciation, Here's A Dollar.

The Very First Law In Advertising Is To Avoid The Concrete Promise And Cultivate The Delightfully Vague.

No Matter What You Think-life Goes On And The World Still Turns And The Universe Has Its Own Story. The Most We Can Do Is Plan Anyway, But Understand, Be Humbled By Things Greater Than Ourselves.

I Wanted To Give The House Back To The Parents.

My Father Established Our Relationship When I Was Seven Years Old. He Looked At Me And Said, “you Know, I Brought You In This World, And I Can Take You Out. And It Don't Make No Difference To Me, I'll Make Another One Look Just Like You.

Anyone Who Has Brought Up Children Knows That Consistency Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Discipline.

A New Father Quickly Learns That His Child Invariably Comes To The Bathroom At Precisely The Times When He's In There, As If He Needed Company. The Only Way For This Father To Be Certain Of Bathroom Privacy Is To Shave At The Gas Station.

A White Person Listens To My Act And He Laughs And He Thinks, 'yeah, That's The Way I See It Too.' Okay. He's White. I'm Negro. And We Both See Things The Same Way. That Must Mean That We Are Alike..... So I Figure I'm Doing As Much For Good Race Relations As The Next Guy.

I'm Not Going Out And Hitting A 95-mph Fastball Where I Can't See The Stitches. I'm Not On A Professional Football Team Looking To Tackle A Fullback Who Is Built Like Solid Wood. I'm A Thinking Person, And I've Been Blessed With The Ability To See Some Things And Talk About Them In A Way That Registers In A Humorous And Funny Way.

My Father Walked To School 4 O'clock Every Morning With No Shoes On, Uphill, Both Ways, In 5 Feet Of Snow And He Was Thankful.

I Don't Have A Problem Believing In God And Jesus. But In Genesis One Has To Wonder About These Sentences That Just Go On And End Without Finishing. The Thought Is Unfinished. Where Did Adam Go? What Is He Doing? Hello? There Has To Be Some Pages Missing.

You Are Not Going To 'go Forth.' You Are Going To Take That Damn Hat Off And You're Going To Get A Job.

Children Today Know More About Sex Than I Or My Father Did.

Every Romance Does Not Lead To Sex.

I Think You Need To Make Responsibility Something That's Not Just A Word.

We Go Out Of Our Way To Make People So Different,... To Punish Them Because Of Color, Because Of Sex, Because Of Size, And The Game Starts.

Calculus Is One Course You Can Come With To Your Parents And Say, I Am Dropping It. And They'll Understand.

As A Comedian, I Can Walk Out In Front Of 5000 People And Not Worry About A Thing. Not A Thing, Believe Me. But To Stand Up A Face A Camera And Crew Of Maybe 15 Guys And Get Up Tight About It - To Me That's Weird.

I Was'nt Always Black. There Was This Freckel That Just Grew And Grew.

I'm Going Out... Because I Deserve To Go Out! And I'm Going To Get Drunk... Because I Deserve To Get Drunk! And Get Out Of My Way!

Suddenly, This Romantic Agony Was Enriched By A Less Romantic One: I Had To Go To The Bathroom. Needless To Say, I Couldn't Let Her Know About This Urge, For Great Lovers Never Did Such Things. The Answer To "romeo Romeo, Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?" Was Not "in The Men's Room, Julie.

My Grandfather Said, "when You Become Senile, You Won't Know It."

Take Your Bottom Lip And Pull It Over Your Head.

God Has A Sense Of Humor Though And He Must See Funny Things In Us. He Must Also Have Some Love. We're Still Here And There Are Still Great Things That Go On. There Are Great Doctors Who Discover How To Separate Twins And How To Put Together A Human Being To Walk Again After It's Said He Won't. Those Are All There As Signs.

Through Humor, You Can Soften Some Of The Worst Blows That Life Delivers. And Once You Find Laughter, No Matter How Painful Your Situation Might Be, You Can Survive It.

Laughter Brings Out The Child In All Of Us.

Men And Women Belong To Different Species And Communications Between Them Is Still In Its Infancy.

The Dentist Drills Some More And You Hear Him Make A Mistake. And To Cover It Up, They All Say The Same Thing: "okay, Rinse."

Because For Me It Is Almost Analgesic To Talk About What The White Man Is Doing Against Us. And It Keeps A Person Frozen In Their Seat, It Keeps You Frozen In Your Hole You’re Sitting In.

Fathers Are The Geniuses Of The House Because Only A Person As Intelligent As We Could Fake Such Stupidity.

There Are Some People Who Have Trouble Recognizing A Mess.

Racial Humor Was About 35% Of My Act When I First Started. But I Realized That It Was A Crutch. What Brought It Home Was When Another Comedian Said To Me, 'if You Changed Color Tomorrow, You Wouldn't Have Any Material.' He Meant It As A Put-down, But I Took It As A Challenge.

Through Humor, You Can Soften Some Of The Worst Blows That Life Delivers.

Worst Situation

Don't Let Your Victories Go To Your Head, Or Your Failures Go To Your Heart.

We're Not Raising Children With The Love That We Need To.

Don't Talk Yourself Into Not Being You.

I Use The Exercise Room Early, Because I Don't Want To Get On The Treadmill And Everyone's Going 'oh, Bill Cosby,' And Then They Come Around To See How Fast I'm Walking, And It Becomes Very Competitive.

Every Father Says The Same Thing: “where's Your Mother?”

Sex Education May Be A Good Idea In The Schools, But I Don't Believe The Kids Should Be Given Homework.

Those Who Criticize Our Generation Forget Who Raised It.

People Will Frighten You About A Graduation....they Use Words You Don't Hear Often.

We’ve Got To Get The Gun Out Of The Hands Of People Who Are Supposed To Be On Neighborhood Watch.

All Children Have Brain Damage!

Beware Of People Who Fall At Your Feet. They May Be Reaching For The Corner Of The Rug.

Any Man Today Who Returns From Work, Sinks Into A Chair, And Calls For His Pipe Is A Man With An Appetite For Danger.

In Genesis, It Is Stated God Walked On Earth. He Was There On The Level. After Watching Human Behavior, He Ascended Having Had Enough Of Us And Decided To Watch Over Us Instead.

There Should Be More On Television That Uplifts People And Shows Them How To Better Prepare Themselves For Earning A Living. There Still Aren't Enough People That Say "this Should Not Be." We Just Let It Go. We Need To Raise A Loud Voice About Our Fellow Human Beings.

My Latest Blood Test Said My Cholesterol Was Very High And My Doctor Recommended Some Medicine For It. I Said "no" To His Recommendation And He Said "what Are You Going To Do?" I Said I Ate My Way Into This And I'm Going To Eat My Way Out Of It.

When I Was A Child, I Was Living In The Housing Projects Of Philadelphia. I Didn't Even Have A Christmas Tree.

Fatherhood Is Helping Your Children Learn English As A Foreign Language.

If You Can Find Humour In Anything, You Can Survive It

The Beautiful Thing About Older People Is Their Ability To Cut The Fat Off Of Conversation. When They Talk, They Don't Go On Forever And Ever. They Say What They Have To Say, And That's It. That Was My Grand Dad. Some Of The Things He Said Stunned Me, But His Words Were Logical. I'll Never Forget Them.

It Is A Point Of Pride For The American Male To Keep The Same Size Jockey Shorts For His Entire Life.

The Childless Experts On Child Raising Also Bring Tears Of Laughter To My Eyes When They Say, I Love Children Because They're So Honest. There Is Not An Agent In The Cia Or The Kgb Who Knows How To Conceal The Theft Of Food, How To Fake Being Asleep, Or How To Forge A Parent's Signature Like A Child.

I Don't Think You Can Bring The Races Together By Joking About The Differences Between Them. I'd Rather Talk About The Similarities, About What's Universal In Their Experiences.

The Measure Ov Overexposure Is Not How Many Times People See You On Tv Or In The Bookstores. It's Whether You Can Maintain The Quality Of Your Entertainment. If You Can, People Will Always Be Glad To See You.

The Only Thing That You Can Get Into Without A Lot Of Trouble Is A Lot Of Trouble.

The Essence Of Childhood, Of Course, Is Play, Which My Friends And I Did Endlessly On Streets That We Reluctantly Shared With Traffic.

We Are The Only Animals That Let Our Kids Come Back Home.

And So The Dentist Says 'rinse.' So You Lean Over, And You're Lookin' At This Miniature Toilet Bowl.

And Of Course, When You See Your Brother In The Toilet Bowl...there's A Little Voice That Say, 'i Wonder Where He Would Go...'...if It Hadn't Been For His Head.

The Three Ingredients Of A Successful Union Between Two ... Humor, Commitment & Undying Love.

Trending Author

Marie Antoinette

Jackie Earle Haley

Mika Brzezinski

Category