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Guys Standing Around And Talking About Spanish Fly: 'you Know Anything About Spanish Fly?' 'no, Tell Me About It.' Well There's This Girl Crazy Mary, You Put Some In Her Drink Man, She, 'haaaaaaaaaaaaah.' Oh Yeah, That's Really Groovy Man, Spanish Fly Is Groovy, Yeah. From Then On, Any Time You See A Girl: 'wish I Had Some Spanish Fly.' Go To A Party See Five Girls Standing Alone: 'boy If I Had A Whole Jug Of Spanish Fly, I'd Light That Corner Up Over There. Haaaaaah.'

-Bill Cosby

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Guys Standing Around And

Bill Cosby

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Guys Standing Around And Talking About Spanish Fly: 'you Know Anything About Spanish Fly?' 'no, Tell Me About It.' Well There's This Girl Crazy Mary, You Put Some In Her Drink Man, She, 'haaaaaaaaaaaaah.' Oh Yeah, That's Really Groovy Man, Spanish Fly Is Groovy, Yeah. From Then On, Any Time You See A Girl: 'wish I Had Some Spanish Fly.' Go To A Party See Five Girls Standing Alone: 'boy If I Had A Whole Jug Of Spanish Fly, I'd Light That Corner Up Over There. Haaaaaah.'

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In Spite Of The Seven Thousand Books Of Expert Advice, The Right Way To Disciplne A Child Is Still A Mystery To Most Fathers And...mothers Only Your Grandmother And Genghis Khan Know How To Do It.

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In Your 50s, Time Becomes Precious And Must Not Be Wasted. Every Minute Is An Excellent Opportunity For A Good Nap. Happy 50th Birthday!

A Word To The Wise Ain't Necessary - It's The Stupid Ones That Need The Advice.

You Can Never Give Complete Authority And Overall Power To Anyone Until Trust Can Be Proven.

I Feel That In-person Contact With People Is The Most Important Thing In Comedy. While I'm Up On Stage, I Can Actually Put Myself Into The Audience And Adjust My Pace And Tuning To Them. I Can Get Into Their Heads Through Their Ears And Through Their Eyes. Only Through This Total Communication Can I Really Achieve What I'm Trying To Do.

The Summit, Which Is Set Up To Educate People About Managing Their Money And Protecting Their Income, Leads To Empowerment Of Self, For Which This Summit Needs To Be Applauded.

You'll Have Many, Many Friends, But If Your Relationship With Your Mate Is One Hundred Per Cent Of Your Heart, You'll Never Need A Friend.

The Problem Is That Your Daughter Has Given Her Heart To A 15-year-old Boy, And A 15-year-old Boy Does Not Yet Qualify As A Human Being.

Civilization Had Too Many Rules For Me, So I Did My Best To Rewrite Them.

Decide That You Want It More Than You Are Afraid Of It.

A Baseball Manager Has Learned A Lot About His Job From Having Played The Game, But A Parent Has Not Learned A Thing From Having Once Been A Child.

The Wisest Married Men Give In Early. They Get In Touch With The Wife Side Of Themselves, And That's When They Stop Arguing.

Don't Let Your Victories Go To Your Head, Or Your Failures Go To Your Heart.

Well, I Really Don't Know What The Secret Of Success Is But I Can Tell You That The Secret Of Failure Is To Try To Please Everyone.

Dentists Tell You Not To Pick Your Teeth With Any Sharp Metal Object. Then You Sit In Their Chair And The First Thing They Grab Is An Iron Hook.

The Past Is A Ghost, The Future A Dream, And All We Ever Have Is Now.

I Love It When Mothers Get So Mad They Can't Remember Your Name. "come Here, Roy, Er, Rupert, Er, Rutabaga... What Is Your Name, Boy? And Don't Lie To Me, Because You Live Here, And I'll Find Out Who You Are."

I'm Not The Boss Of My House. I Don't Know How I Lost It, I Don't Know When I Lost It, I Don't Really Think I Ever Had It. But I've Seen The Boss's Job...and I Don't Want It!

Laughter Brings Out The Child In All Of Us.

Repeat After Me. I Promise Not To Run Outside Of The House. I Promise Not To Run Inside Of The House. I Promise Not To Touch, Pick Up, Step On, Anything That Looks Interesting.

Parenting Needs To Come To The Forefront.

My Father Wanted Me To Play Pro Football, And He Didn't Like The Fact That I'd Left School. And He Said, "it Takes A Man To Play Football. And Any Fool Can Go Up On The Stage And Make An Ass Of Himself.

The Childless Experts On Child Raising Also Bring Tears Of Laughter To My Eyes When They Say, I Love Children Because They're So Honest. There Is Not An Agent In The Cia Or The Kgb Who Knows How To Conceal The Theft Of Food, How To Fake Being Asleep, Or How To Forge A Parent's Signature Like A Child.

The Most Important Educational Vehicle In All Life Is A Parent Figure.

Raising Children Is An Incredibly Hard And Risky Business In Which No Cumulative Wisdom Is Gained: Each Generation Repeats The Mistakes The Previous One Made.

A White Person Listens To My Act And He Laughs And He Thinks, 'yeah, That's The Way I See It Too.' Okay. He's White. I'm Negro. And We Both See Things The Same Way. That Must Mean That We Are Alike..... So I Figure I'm Doing As Much For Good Race Relations As The Next Guy.

And Of Course, When You See Your Brother In The Toilet Bowl...there's A Little Voice That Say, 'i Wonder Where He Would Go...'...if It Hadn't Been For His Head.

Ours Is A Youth Culture, And Like A Golf Tournament, We Honor Only Low Scores.

And So The Dentist Says 'rinse.' So You Lean Over, And You're Lookin' At This Miniature Toilet Bowl.

My Childhood Should Have Taught Me Lessons For My Own Fatherhood, But It Didn't Because Parenting Can Only Be Learned By People Who Have No Children.

The Dentist Drills Some More And You Hear Him Make A Mistake. And To Cover It Up, They All Say The Same Thing: "okay, Rinse."

You People Are Not Prepared. You Are Well Educated And You Look Cute, But That's Not Going To Cut It.

I Am Certainly Not An Authority On Love Because There Are No Authorities On Love, Just Those Who've Had Luck With It And Those Who Haven't.

Beware Of People Who Fall At Your Feet. They May Be Reaching For The Corner Of The Rug.

When You Carry A Gun, You Mean To Harm Somebody, Kill Somebody.

If You Took Your Child To The Dentist And Check For Cavities, The Child Likely Won't Get Them. If You Take Them Just For Emergency, That's All They're Gonna Get.

Romance Is A Different Word Than Sexual Contact.

Give Me 200 Active 2-year-olds And I Could Conquer The World.

Conquer The World

Family Is Conflict And It's Something That We All Relate To.

Family Conflict

It Is Not A Matter Of Who Is Rejecting Me, As Much As It Is Somebody May Get It, And I Am Going To Keep Plowing Through It Because In This World Of Education, There Is A Harvest.

Anecdote: In A Controversial Way, Comedian And Actor Bill Cosby Sought To Teach His Son The Pain Of Being Lied To. Convinced His Son Had Been Dishonest Regarding An Issue, Cosby Promised That If He Told Him The Truth, He Would Not Hit Him. When His Son Did Confess, Cosby Did Hit Him. Seeing His Son's Shock And Hurt, Cosby Said He Hoped This Lesson Had Deepened His Understanding Of The Anguish Generated By A Sense Betrayal.

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I Can't Even Talk The Way These People Talk. 'why You Ain't?' 'where You Is?' Everybody Knows It's Important To Speak English Except These Knuckleheads. You Can't Be A Doctor With That Kind Of Crap Coming Out Of Your Mouth.

My Latest Blood Test Said My Cholesterol Was Very High And My Doctor Recommended Some Medicine For It. I Said "no" To His Recommendation And He Said "what Are You Going To Do?" I Said I Ate My Way Into This And I'm Going To Eat My Way Out Of It.

I Cannot Understand How The Education Of This United States Of America Has Been Fooled Time And Time Again. Either Make It Separate But Equal Or Integrate, Therefore It Will Be Equal. And It Has Been Separate And Unequal.

We're Not Raising Children With The Love That We Need To.

My Wife Was A Beautiful Woman Before We Had Children.

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Why Do I Have To Feed The Kids? They Just Ate Twelve Hours Ago!

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It Is A Warning, Godspeed. It Means You Are No Longer Welcome Here At These Prices.

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I Know People Are Tired Of Me Not Saying Anything, But A Guy Doesn't Have To Answer To Innuendos.

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I Want All This Loud Profanity In The Street Stopped. I Want People To Think About Choices.

When You're A Father You Censor Yourself. You Get Just As Angry With A Child But You Don't Want To Say, "what The Filth And Foul And I'll Filth And Foul, Filth And Foul And, Yeah, Ya Filth And Foul Face, And I'll Filth And Foul, Foul, Filth!" You Don't Want To Say That To A Child So You Censor Yourself And You Sound Like An Idiot: "what The... Get Your... I'll Put A... Get Out Of My Face!"

That's Why Ears Have Cartilage, To Keep Them From Flapping.

Old Is Always Fifteen Years From Now.

I Said To A Guy, "tell Me, What Is It About Cocaine That Makes It So Wonderful," And He Said, "because It Intensifies Your Personality." I Said, "yes, But What If You're An Asshole?"

When You Graduate From College, They Tell You To Follow Your Dreams. Does Anyone Say You Have To Wake Up First?

Education Happens To Be Something That All People, All Cultures, Need To Embrace. Math, Science, The Words Of The World. To Be Able To Speak And Be Able To Have Clarity And To Be Able To Think. Those Are The Greatest Of Gifts.

I Think The Part Of Media That Romanticizes Criminal Behavior, Things That A Person Will Say Against Women, Profanity, Being Gangster, Having Multiple Children With Multiple Men And Women And Not Wanting To Is Prevalent. When You Look At The Majority Of Shows On Television They Placate That Kind Of Behavior.

In Spite Of The Six Thousand Manuals On Child Raising In The Bookstores, Child Raising Is Still A Dark Continent And No One Really Knows Anything. You Just Need A Lot Of Love And Luck - And, Of Course, Courage.

While Fathers Are Pleasant Figureheads, There Is A Special Bond Between Children And Their Mothers. 'do You Help Your Mother Clean Up The House?' I Asked One Girl Of Seven. 'no,' She Sweetly Replied, 'i Help Make The Mess.' It's A Dirty Job But Somebody's Got To Do It.

Nothing I've Ever Done Has Given Me More Joys And Rewards Than Being A Father To My Children.

You Are A Genius!... And I Am A Genius Because I Married You.

I Have To Follow My Thoughts And Mine For The Gold. I Have To Dig It Out.

Racial Humor Was About 35% Of My Act When I First Started. But I Realized That It Was A Crutch. What Brought It Home Was When Another Comedian Said To Me, 'if You Changed Color Tomorrow, You Wouldn't Have Any Material.' He Meant It As A Put-down, But I Took It As A Challenge.

If A White Man Falls Off A Chair Drunk, It's Just A Drunk. If A Negro Does, It's The Whole Damn Negro Race.

'don't Worry About Senility', My Grandfather Used To Say.

A Person With No Children Says, "well I Just Love Children," And You Say "why?" And They Say, "because A Child Is So Truthful, That's What I Love About 'em - They Tell The Truth." That's A Lie, I've Got Five Of 'em. The Only Time They Tell The Truth Is If They're Having Pain.

In Genesis, It Is Stated God Walked On Earth. He Was There On The Level. After Watching Human Behavior, He Ascended Having Had Enough Of Us And Decided To Watch Over Us Instead.

Whenever Your Kids Are Out Of Control, You Can Take Comfort From The Thought That Even God's Omnipotence Did Not Extend To His Kids.

I'm Not Saying Looting Is Good, ... But I'm Saying Surely At A Time When Your Child Needs Diapers And You Need Food, When Does Looting Stop.

Sex Education May Be A Good Idea In The Schools, But I Don't Believe The Kids Should Be Given Homework.

Men And Women Belong To Different Species And Communications Between Them Is Still In Its Infancy.

I Am Not Afraid Of Crashing, My Secret Is . . . Just Before We Hit The Ground, I Jump As High As I Can.

There Are Some People Who Have Trouble Recognizing A Mess.

The Heart Of Marriage Is Memories.

Parents Are People Who Yell And They Yell And They Yell And They Yell. And You Already Have The Point... And They're Still Yelling.

Fatherhood Is Helping Your Children Learn English As A Foreign Language.

People Say "god Will Find A Way." God Can't Find A Way If You're In The Way.

I Didn't Like What Was On Tv In Terms Of Sitcomsit Had Nothing To Do With The Color Of Themi Just Didn't Like Any Of Them. I Saw Little Kids, Let's Say 6 Or 7 Years Old, White Kids, Black Kids. And The Way They Were Addressing The Father Or The Mother, The Writers Had Turned Things Around, So The Little Children Were Smarter Than The Parent Or The Caregiver. They Were Just Not Funny To Me. I Felt That It Was Manipulative And The Audience Was Looking At Something That Had No Responsibility To The Family.

Why Do Kids Always Say Peace Out, I Though Peace Was In.

Never Say [to Younger People] "that Was Before Your Time," Because The Last Full Moon Was Before Their Time!

Our Children Are Trying To Tell Us Something. And We Are Not Listening.

I Don't Have A Clue About The Way To Achievement, However The Way To Disappointment Is Attempting To Please Everyone.

Poets Have Said That The Reason To Have Children Is To Give Yourself Immortality. Immortality? Now That I Have Five Children, My Only Hope Is That They Are All Out Of The House Before I Die.

I Recently Turned Fifty, Which Is Young For A Tree, Mid-life For An Elephant, And Ancient For A Quarter-miler, Whose Son Now Says, "dad, I Just Can't Run The Quarter With You Anymore, Unless I Bring Something To Read."

Now, This Is The Fun Part About Getting Stoned. They Get Stoned, Then They Become Paranoid. Now, When They Started Out, They Said, "let's Get High And Have Fun." So They're High; Now They're Paranoid. "am I Falling Out Of This Chair?"

Let Me Say This: I Only Expect The Black Media To Uphold The Standards Of Excellence In Journalism And When You Do That, You Have To Go In With A Neutral Mind.

A Father... Knows Exactly What Those Boys At The Mall Have In Their Depraved Little Minds Because He Once Owned Such A Depraved Little Mind Himself. In Fact, If He Thinks Enough About The Plans That He Used To Have For Young Girls, The Father Not Only Will Support His Wife In Keeping Their Daughter Home But He Might Even Run Over To The Mall And Have A Few Of Those Boys Arrested.

I Think The Part Of Media That Romanticizes Criminal Behavior, Things That A Person Will Say Against Women, Profanity, Being Gangster, Having Multiple Children With Multiple Men And Women And Not Wanting To Is Prevalent. When You Look At The Majority Of Shows On Television They Placate That Kind Of Behavior. If You Go Through A Weekly Monday Through Friday, It's All There. It's In How People On The Sitcoms And Cop Shows Talk To Each Other.

If You Have No Faith, You've Lost Your Battle.

My Father Established Our Relationship When I Was Seven Years Old. He Looked At Me And Said, “you Know, I Brought You In This World, And I Can Take You Out. And It Don't Make No Difference To Me, I'll Make Another One Look Just Like You.

Children Today Know More About Sex Than I Or My Father Did.

My Feeling Is, Personally, I Want To Die First... Because I Believe That When You Die, Your Soul Goes Immediately Up For Judgment - And I Don't Want My Wife Up There First. No, The Judgment Will Be Horrendous.

You Can Turn Painful Situations Around Through Laughter. If You Can Find Humor In Anything, Even Poverty, You Can Survive It.

...it Was The Arts, Those Noble Expressions Of The Human Spirit That Are Communicated Through Literature, Dance, Song, Film, Drama, Painting And Sculpture, Among The Many Other Such Creative Means, That Helped Articulate The Sufferings Of [these] People That Were Heard Around The Globe.

It's More Blessed To Give Than To Receive - Especially Kittens.

Violence Won't Solve A Thing. It Makes It More Challenging To Solve, Though.

I’m Supposed To Figure Out If The Glass Is Half Full Or Half Empty,” I Told Her. Without A Moment’s Hesitation, In A Split Second, My Grandmother Shrugged And Said: “it Depends On If You’re Drinking Or Pouring.

You Can Not Make Everybody Happy.

Pay Off Your Student Loan. Even If You Don't Have A Job...because When You Finally Get A Job You're Going To Be One Of Us.

Funny Graduation

You Are Not Going To 'go Forth.' You Are Going To Take That Damn Hat Off And You're Going To Get A Job.

Any Man Today Who Returns From Work, Sinks Into A Chair, And Calls For His Pipe Is A Man With An Appetite For Danger.

Those Who Criticize Our Generation Forget Who Raised It.

Human Beings Are The Only Creatures On Earth That Allow Their Children To Come Back Home.

Now, Richard Pryor Was Unique. Many Misunderstood His Humor. He Lit Up The Hallway, But They Didn't Understand His Use Of Profanity. He Didn't Use It Just To Be Using It; He Used It In The Context Of His Satire.

Have You Ever Had A Cookie? Then You Won't Get Any Here Either.

Nothing Separates The Generations More Than Music. By The Time A Child Is Eight Or Nine, He Has Developed A Passion For His Own Music That Is Even Stronger Than His Passions For Procrastination And Weird Clothes.

A Grandchild Is God's Reward For Raising A Child.

There Is Hope For The Future Because God Has A Sense Of Humor And We Are Funny To God.

All Children Have Brain Damage!

Mediocre People Are The Most Dangerous People In The World.

The Mother May Be Doing Ninety Percent Of The Disciplining, But The Father Still Must Have A Full-time Acceptance Of All The Children. He Never Must Say, "get These Kids Out Of Here; I'm Trying To Watch Tv." If He Ever Does Start Saying This, He Is Liable To See One Of His Kids On The Six O'clock News.

People Can Be More Forgiving Than You Can Imagine. But You Have To Forgive Yourself. Let Go Of What's Bitter And Move On.

Anyone Who Has Brought Up Children Knows That Consistency Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With Discipline.

We Go Out Of Our Way To Make People So Different,... To Punish Them Because Of Color, Because Of Sex, Because Of Size, And The Game Starts.

There Is No Labor A Person Does That Is Undignified; If They Do It Right.

It Doesn't Make Any Difference How Much Money A Father Earns, His Name Is Always Dad-can-i.... Like All Other Children, My Five Have One Great Talent: They Are Gifted Beggars. Not One Of Them Ever Ran Into The Room, Looked Up At Me, And Said, "i'm Really Happy That You're My Father, And As A Tangible Token Of My Appreciation, Here's A Dollar.

Let Us Now Set Forth One Of The Fundamental Truths About Marriage: The Wife Is In Charge.

Anyone Can Dabble, But Once You've Made That Commitment, Your Blood Has That Particular Thing In It, And It's Very Hard For People To Stop You.

When I Decided That I Wanted To Go To College, I Wanted To Be A School Teacher For 7th And 8th Grade Boys Because I Felt That Was An Important Time For Them. I Had Gone Astray At That Point In My Life And Really Wanted To Help Keep Them From Making The Same Mistake I Had Made.

And To Those People With No Children But Who Think They'd Like To Have Them Some Day To Fulfill Their Lives. Remember: With Fulfillment Comes Responsibility.

I'm Not Going Out And Hitting A 95-mph Fastball Where I Can't See The Stitches. I'm Not On A Professional Football Team Looking To Tackle A Fullback Who Is Built Like Solid Wood. I'm A Thinking Person, And I've Been Blessed With The Ability To See Some Things And Talk About Them In A Way That Registers In A Humorous And Funny Way.

Fatherhood Is Telling Your Daughter That Michael Jackson Loves All His Fans, But Has Special Feelings For The Ones Who Eat Broccoli.

My Father Would Pass Gas And Then Blame It On Imaginary Animals.

I've Got A Ferrari. Vroom! I Do 104 From The Garage To The Front Door.

We Parents Ask Dumb Questions, Therefore We Get Dumb Answers.

If The New American Father Feels Bewildered And Even Defeated, Let Him Take Comfort From The Fact That Whatever He Does In Any Fathering Situation Has A Fifty Percent Chance Of Being Right.

Brown Versus The Board Of Education Is No Longer The White Person's Problem.

Board Of Education

I'm Not The Healthiest, But I Am Healthy. I'm Healthy To The Point Where There Are Things That I Have To Eat That I Don't Want To Eat, But I Eat It Because I'm Enjoying Staying Alive.

Gray Hair Is God's Graffiti.

The Essence Of Childhood, Of Course, Is Play.

Man Can Not Live By Bread Alone ... He Must Have Peanut Butter.

We Spoke To God About The Children, And We Were Afraid To Ask God For Specific Things. We Thought That It Might Be Too Much. So We Said To God 'please Give Us A Healthy Child' And Left It At That, Not Knowing That God Is A Generous God, But Also Has A Sense Of Humor. And If You Leave That Much Open For God, Some Wonderful Jokes Are Going To Come About.

When I Say, 'i Don't Care What White People Think,' I Mean That.

My Wife And I Have Five Children And The Reason Why We Have Five Children Is Because We Do Not Want Six.

I Once Asked My Father For A Dollar For The School Picnic. He Told Me How He Once Killed A Grizzly Bear With His Loose-leaf Notebook.

I Am Proud To Be An American. Because An American Can Eat Anything On The Face Of This Earth As Long As He Has Two Pieces Of Bread.

This Happened To The People. The Constitution Says Of The People, By The People, For The People... But The People Who Got The Office, Got Into Office And Forgot About The People.

Nobody Ever Says, "can I Have Your Beets?

It Isn't A Matter Of Black Is Beautiful As Much As It Is White Is Not All That's Beautiful.

As A Comedian, I Can Walk Out In Front Of 5000 People And Not Worry About A Thing. Not A Thing, Believe Me. But To Stand Up A Face A Camera And Crew Of Maybe 15 Guys And Get Up Tight About It - To Me That's Weird.

Social Networking Helps Reach People Easier And Quicker.

My Grandpa Didn't Believe In Hugging And Kissing, Or Saying I Love You. His Love Had To Do With The Way He Treated You. When He Said, We're Going Here, We're Going There, He Was Telling Me About Life. That Was His Love For Me. My Love For Him Was Listening To What He Said, Keeping Out Of Trouble, Doing Right, Being Fair.

My Eleven Year Old Daughter Mopes Around The House All Day Waiting For Her Breasts To Grow.

A Hoyo De Monterrey Double Corona Is My Favourite Cuban Since Desi Arnaz.

Take Your Bottom Lip And Pull It Over Your Head.

Most Fathers And... Mothers. Only Your Grandmother And Ghengis Khan Know How To Do It.

I'm Not Sure If My Parents Had Me Because They Loved Me, Or Because They Wanted Someone To Watch Their Other Children.

When You Introduce Competition Into The Public School System, Most Studies Show That Schools Start To Do Better When They Are Competing For Students.

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I Don't Have A Problem Believing In God And Jesus. But In Genesis One Has To Wonder About These Sentences That Just Go On And End Without Finishing. The Thought Is Unfinished. Where Did Adam Go? What Is He Doing? Hello? There Has To Be Some Pages Missing.

If You Want To Be Seen, Stand Up. If You Want To Be Heard, Speak Up. If You Want To Be Appreciated, Shut Up.

Every Father Says The Same Thing: “where's Your Mother?”

My Children Love My Mother, And I Tell My Children, That Is Not The Same Woman I Grew Up With...that Is An Old Woman Trying To Get Into Heaven Now.

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