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Face It, You Stupid Little Cookie Maker,” Jenks Said, Almost Sounding Fond, “in The Last Couple Of Days You’ve Seen What It’s Like To Be In A Family, With All The Touchy Tempers And Irritation That Goes On. Now You Get To See The Other Side, Where We Do Stupid Stuff For Each Other Just Because We Like You. Rache Is The Little Sister. Ivy’s The Big Sister. I’m The Uncle From Out Of State, And You’re The Rich Nephew No One Likes But We Put Up With You Anyway Because We Feel Sorry For You. Just Let Me Help, Huh? It Won’t Kill You.

-Kim Harrison

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Face It, You Stupid

Kim Harrison

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Face It, You Stupid Little Cookie Maker,” Jenks Said, Almost Sounding Fond, “in The Last Couple Of Days You’ve Seen What It’s Like To Be In A Family, With All The Touchy Tempers And Irritation That Goes On. Now You Get To See The Other Side, Where We Do Stupid Stuff For Each Other Just Because We Like You. Rache Is The Little Sister. Ivy’s The Big Sister. I’m The Uncle From Out Of State, And You’re The Rich Nephew No One Likes But We Put Up With You Anyway Because We Feel Sorry For You. Just Let Me Help, Huh? It Won’t Kill You.

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If He Betrays You, I Will Finish What I Started With His Fingers," He Said, And I Shivered. "tell Him That.

It Was A Nice Bit Of Blackmail That Kept Him Off My Back, But He Refused To Take The Message That I Wasn’t Going To Work For Him. ’course, That Might Be My Fault…since I Seemed Unable To Say No When He Waved Enough Money At Me.

Trent And Ellasbeth Did The Nasty? Ewwww!

I Do So Like All-encompassing Words. Verb, Adjective, Noun. Yes, You Are Shitted.

Sure, He Had A Wife And Fifty-four Kids, But He Looked Like A College Freshman. A Yummy College Freshman Majoring In Oh-my-god-i-gotta-get-me-some-of-that.

I Could Sit And Watch Nature Documentaries With Jenks And The Kids The Rest Of The Night If I Wanted. And Trust Me, Watching A Dozen Pixies Scream As A Crocodile Chomped On A Zebra Was Something Not To Be Missed. They Invariably Cheered For The Crocodile, Not The Zebra.

The Undead Did Not Love, But They Remembered Love With A Savage Loyalty.

Pierce Jerked His Hand From Trent And Pushed Himself Straight. “kalamack Industries,” He Said, Expression Twisted As He Wiped His Hand On His Pants. “i Knew Your Father.” “i Do Not Freaking Believe This,” I Said, Shifting To Stand Where I Could See Both Of Them. Al Beamed. “amazing Who You Can Meet In An Elevator.

Puppy Presents On The Rug. This Sucked.

Confused, I Asked, "the Coven's What?" "plumber," Ivy Said, Looking Pale As She Leaned On Glenn. "you Know. Stops Leaks?" Oh Goodie. I'm A Leak.

I Opine-i Think You're A Woman Of Your World,' He Said From The Far End Of The Couch. 'i Would Have A Hard Time Seeing You Pressed And Powdered, Dreading A Life Of Servitude Under The Name Of Marriage. You'd Die In That Mold. I Like You As You Are, Fiery And Ill Tempered.

There Is Black. There Is White. Gray Is A Cowardly Excuse To Mix Our Wants With Our Needs.

With A Gentle Pressure, Our Lips Met. His Hands Slipped More Firmly About Me, And I Held Myself Back, Not Afraid, But Wanting To Feel Everything Slowly As I Leaned In, Tasting The Wine On Him, Feeling The Warmth Of His Body Pressing Into Mine, Breathing In Our Scents That Were Mingling And Changing With The Warmth. My Hands Rose To Find His Hair, And I Relaxed Into Him As The Silky Strands Brushed Through My Fingers. I Wanted More, And I Leaned Into Him As Our Lips Moved Against Each Other.

Five Trolls In A Dra-a-a-a-ag,' The Four-inch Man Sang From My Shoulder. 'four Purple Condoms, Three French Ticklers, Two Horny Vamps And A Succubus In The Snow.

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel,” He Said, Very Still And Unmoving. “always Jumping To The Wrong Conclusion. You’re Like A Frog, You Know.

Looking At Everything, I Started To Feel Nauseous, As If The Seventies Had Taken Refuge Here Against Extinction And Were Preparing To Take Over The World.

I Said School Starts Tomorrow. I Didn’t Say I Was Going To Be There.

She Was Only A Year Old, But Elves Grew Up Fast. Not Like Witches, Who Jenks Swore Were Not Able To Be On Their Own Until They Were Thirty. Ahem.

Okay, You Drive," She Said. "i'll Sit With M Head Hanging Out Of The Window Like A Golden Retriever.

Golden Retrievers

Al Was Standing A Bare Three Feet Away, His Mood Almost Jovial As He Took The Paper And It Vanished In A Wash Of Black Sparkles. “thank You, Rachel,” He Said, Carefully Reaching For My Hand As Trent Stiffened. “welcome Back, My Itchy Witch.

You Have Such Interesting Thoughts. No Wonder Witches Are Ephemeral. You Drive Yourself Crazy. You Should Simply Do What You Want Without The Soul-searching. It Will Be Easier In The Long Run, Rachel Mariana Morgan.

I Want…” He Said, Then Hesitated, Taking A Breath Of Air And Lifting His Chin. “i Want One Pure Thing In My Life,” He Said Loudly, His Voice Ringing In The Red-tinted Air. “i Want One Thing I Can Point To And Say, ‘that Is Good, And It’s A Part Of Me.

Rachel, What Do You Do? Put An Ad In The Paper For Trouble? (glenn)

I Wish I Could Say I Write 9-5. It's Usually More Like 8-6, Every Day But The Weekends.

I Turned Back To The Mirror, Seeing That There Were No Lines On It. It Was Empty. "what Happened To My Mirror?" I Said, Bewildered. Then Realizing That I Was Looking At The Back Of The Dumb Thing, I Swore And Turned It Over.

Face It, You Stupid Little Cookie Maker,” Jenks Said, Almost Sounding Fond, “in The Last Couple Of Days You’ve Seen What It’s Like To Be In A Family, With All The Touchy Tempers And Irritation That Goes On. Now You Get To See The Other Side, Where We Do Stupid Stuff For Each Other Just Because We Like You. Rache Is The Little Sister. Ivy’s The Big Sister. I’m The Uncle From Out Of State, And You’re The Rich Nephew No One Likes But We Put Up With You Anyway Because We Feel Sorry For You. Just Let Me Help, Huh? It Won’t Kill You.

I Never Considered I Might Make A Career Out Of Writing As I Was Going To School, So When I Did Turn My Attentions That Way, I Was Very Ill Prepared, Having Only What I Read As A Guide, And No Formal Training Whatsoever. I Credit That Very Ignorance With A Great Deal Of My Success.

I Hate It When She Tabs A Line," Ivy Whispered To Kisten In The Corner. "you Ever See Anything Freakier Than That?" "you Should See The Face She Makes When She—" "shut Up, Kist!" I Exclaimed, My Eyes Flashing Open To Find Him Grinning At Me.

I Felt Sick. Buying Kisten’s And My Safety From Piscary Was So Wrong. But It Was Either That Or Deal With A Demon, And I’d Rather Keep My Soul Clean And Let My Morals Get Dingy.

Newt Spun, Making Her Robe Unfurl. “he’s My Familiar, Bought And Paid For. I Can Claim Anything Of His. Even His Life.” Al Cleared His Throat Nervously. “that’s Good To Know,” He Said Lightly. “important Safety Tip. Rachel, Write That Down Somewhere As Lesson Number One.

I Ought To File Charges Of Uncommon Stupidity Against You For Letting Her Try This Alone." ~ Newt, Black Magic Sanction, Kim Harrison

The Mistakes Don't Matter. It's What You Do When You Mess Up That Does.

We Were Innocent Once. How Could It Have Gone So Bad?

He Wanted That Again, That Feeling Of Standing With Her Against All Odds And Succeeding. He Wanted It So Bad, He Was Going To Risk Destroying Everything He And His Father Had Worked For.

Two Thousand Miles, Rachel,” He Said Tightly, And I Guessed That No, It Didn’t Violate The Rules Of Whatever He Was Doing Out Here, Because He Sure Wasn’t Out Here Keeping The Coven From Attacking Me. “i Have Eaten Nothing But Slop For Two Days And Used Facilities I Wouldn’t Let My Dogs Urinate In. And What About That Couple In The Rv Outside Texas? I’ll Never Get That Memory Out Of My Head.” - Trent To Rachel

It Stinks Of Trains And That Chili With The Chocolate In It. Ooooh, Books!" He Exclaimed Suddenly, Making A Beeline For The Small Library. (al)

I’m Not Going Anywhere With You, You Little Shoemaker,” I Said (rachel To Trent)

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I Told You, Computers Are Like Women. If You Shout At Them Or Ask Them To Do Too Many Things At Once, They Shut Down And You Won't Even Get A Sniff" Pg. 4

By Tink's Diaphram...!

Elves Apparently Had A Short Childhood. Not Like Witches, Who Seemed To Take Forever To Grow Up, According To Jenks.

I Staggered Backward-her One Hand Gripping My Shoulder, The Other Still Holding My Wrists Behind Her-and She Followed Until My Back Hit The Wall.

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Rachel, You Take Her,” My Mother Said, Clearly Uncomfortable. “she Might Like You.” “no. Mom, No!” I Protested, But It Was My Mother We Were Talking About, And It Was Either Take The Baby Or Have Her Hit The Floor.

What Are You Doing In Nicky's Room, Rachel? Oooh! He Summoned You To The West Coast, Didn't He? Did You Kill Him? Good For You Taking Care Of That Little Problem? I Should Give You A Bunny!" - Algaliarept

Tears Could Not Be Equal, If I Wept Diamonds From The Skies. Jenks (black Magic Sanction)

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Maybe He Thinks He Can Rescue Me? No One Is That Stupid.

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Together We Made Our Way From The Service Entrances In Back To The Front, Jenks Shedding Clothes And Handing Them To Me To Stuff In My Bag Every Few Yards. It Was Terribly Distracting, But I Managed To Avoid Running Into The Dumpsters And Recycling Bins.

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Be Reasonable. I Know You Can Be. If You Try Very, Very Hard.” - Al To Rachel

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Rose To Rachel: You Cry You Get Angry Then You Do Something About It.

I’m Your Worst Nightmare Come To Walk This Side Of The Lines. I’m An Elf, Trent Something You’re Forgotten How To Be. You’re Scared Of Black Magic. I Can See Fear Shimmering Under Your Aura Like Sweat. I Live And Breathe Black Magic. I’m So Tainted With It That I Will Use It Without Thought, Without Guilt And Without Hesitation.

Worst Nightmares

You Think My Kids Just Popped Out Of The Ground?

All I'd Have To Do Then Was Roll With The Consequences Of Inviting Dewinged, Fanged Fairies Into Trent's Backyard. God, They Were Savage Looking. Served Him Right.

...treat People With Understanding When You Can, And Fake It When You Can't Until You Do Understand.

Wayde Yelled, And I Hit Him Again, Adrenaline Pulling A Scream Of Outrage From Me. He Went Quiet, And I Held My Breath To Make Sure I Could Hear Him Breathing. I Suppose I Could Have Used My Magic On Him, But This Was A Lot More Satisfying.

Men,” She Said As She Took My Arm And Led Me To The Brightly Lit Room. “they Forget We Need To See The Outcome Of Pain Before We Willingly Put Ourselves Through It. How Else Would We Suffer Nine Months To Have A Beautiful Child? We Already Know We Have Guts.

Her Tiny Hand Gripped Mine With A Surprising Warmth, And In A Shocking Wash Of Emotion, I Felt Everything I Knew Shift. The Scent Of Cinnamon And Baby Powder Hit Me, And As My Eyes Widened, My Heart Melted, Making Room For Her.

Shouts Of Dismay Rose As The Red Flesh Splattered Against The Table. It Was Only A Tomato, But One Would Think I Was Pulping A Decaying Heart By The Noise The Big, Strong Fib Officers Were Making.

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[jenks]"i Think You're All Screwy In The Head," He Said When Bis Nodded His Encouragement. "but Go Ahead. I've Got Quen's Number In My Phone. I'll Call Him If You Both Explode In A Flash Of Black Underwear And Money So I Won't Have To Fly All The Way Home.

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Trent, Do You Have Any Weapons? Like A Gun?” He Looked At Me In Disgust. “you’re Here To Protect Me,” He Said As He Closed The Distance Between Us And Stood Beside Me. “you Didn’t Bring A Weapon?” “yeah, I Brought A Weapon,” I Snapped As I Brought My Splat Gun Out And Aimed It At The Ceiling Where The Sounds Were Coming From. “i Just Thought That Since You’re A Freaking Murderer You Might Have A Gun, Too (...)

Though No One Had Been Buried Here For Almost Thirty Years, The Grass Was Mown By Yours Truly. I Felt A Tidy Graveyard Made A Happy Graveyard.

A Compassion Swirled Form Nowhere In The High I Was Lost In. She Needed Me. She Needed Me To Accept Her For What She Was. And When I Realized That I Had It Within Myself To Give Her At Least This Small Part Of Me, The Last Of My Fear Melted Away.

I Sighed. I Hated The Maze Of Bureaucracy With A Passion, But I've Found The Best Way To Deal With It Is To Smile And Act Stupid. That Way, No One Gets Confused.

We All Watched Al Open The Door. Turning, He Waved To Us, Then Passed The Threshold. The Door Shut Behind Him. I Waited For Something To Happen. Nothing Did. “this Isn’t Good,” Quen Said. I Choked Back My Burst Of Laughter, Knowing It Would Come Out Sounding Hysterical.

And Then There Are The Rare Ones Who Know Love, Who Understand It. Who Freely Give Of Themselves, Demanding Only A Return Of That Love,that Trust.

Have You Been Sniffing Fairy Farts?

I Frowned, Wondering If Trent Would Mind Being The Size Of A Fairy For A Day. He Could Talk To The Newest Tenants In His Garden.

You Just Click Your Heels And Think There's No Place Like Being Pwned.

Rachel,” Came A Raspy Voice From The Upper Level, And Both Trent And I Turned. It Was Quen, Wrapped In A Blanket As If It Was A Death Shroud, The Black-haired Intern At His Side, Supporting Him. His Hair Was Plastered To His Skull With Sweat, And I Could See Him Wavering As He Stood There. “don’t Touch Trenton,” He Said, His Gravelly Voice Clear In The Hush, “or I’m Going To Have To Come Down There…and Smack You Around.

I Have To Save The World Tomorrow, And I Don't Even Know What I'm Going To Wear Yet.--rachel Morgan

You Think Ivy's A Planner? She Has Nothing On A Motivated Elf With Too Much Money.

Trent Looked Me Up And Down. “is That All You’re Going To Do?” My Pulse Quickened, And I Gazed At The Front Of The Basilica Where The Scratching Was Coming From. “i Might Have A Snack Later If Nothing Comes Through Those Doors.

Join Us Next Time For Days Of The Undead When Rachel Learns Her Long Lost Brother Is Really A Crown Prince From Outer Space.

Jenks Squinted At Me, And When Trent Nodded, The Pixy Gestured Sourly To Bis To Get On With It. A Four Inch Man Ruled Us All.

Keep Your Vampire Mitts Off Me. I'm Not Your Friggin' Blood Toy.

I Think She Suspects Something, Though. We’ve Had Cherry Pie For Dessert Five Nights In A Row.” His Voice Drawled, And My Smile Deepened.

I'll Wait For You Under The Bluebells. I'll Be There Always.

Maybe If I Didn't Say Anything About What Happened, We Could Get Back To The Way We Were. Ignoring A Problem Was A Perfectly Acceptable Way To Deal With It, As Long As Both People Agree Never To Bring It Up Again.

Tell Me Where You Want It,” I Said. Minias Drew Back, His Purple Robes Shifting About His Ankles. “you’re Asking Me?” “well, Unless You Want A Big R On Your Forehead.

People Die, Rachel," Ceri Said, Her Cheeks Flushing. "not If I Can Help It," I Snapped. "and Not Of A Broken Heart. If You Could, I'd Be Dead Already.

Nothing Is So Hard That It Can't Be Found By Searching.

He Just Wanted To Hold Her To Him And Tell Her It Would Be Okay, That She Had Survived And Was Beautiful.

Teens Like A Lot Of The Same Things Adults Do: Smart People Doing Amazing Things Against Awful Odds.

I Thought Trent Should Get Over His Pixy Paranoia And Admit He Had An Eerie Attraction To Them, Like Every Other Pure-blood Elf I’d Met. So He Liked Pixies. I Liked Double-crunch Ice Cream, But You Didn’t See Me Avoiding It In The Grocery Store.

If It Was Up To Me, I’d Choose The Hard Path With The Easy Ending, Not The Easy Path With The Hard End.

Come Work For Me, And I’ll Tell You.” My Eyes Went To His. “you Are A Thief, A Cheat, A Murderer, And A Not-nice Man,” I Said Calmly. “i Don’t Like You.” He Shrugged, The Motion Making Him Look Utterly Harmless. “i’m Not A Thief,” He Said. “and I Don’t Mind Manipulating You Into Working For Me When I Need It.” He Smiled, Showing Me Perfect Teeth. “i Enjoy It, Actually.

I Was Having Coffee With My Bodyguard. I Didn't Expect To Be Hunting Bad Guys Until Later. Leather Before Sundown Is Tacky.

Hey,” The Other Said, Coming To Life. “you’re Supposed To Be In Jail.” Al Grinned At Him, His White-gloved Grip Tightening On The Wooden Handle, Which Was Intricately Carved In The Shape Of A Naked, Writhing Woman. Nice. “and Your Momma Wanted You To Have A Brain,” He Said, Yanking The Door Open And Slamming It Into The Guy’s Face.

Do You Have A Sleeping Bag?” I Stared At Him. “no. I Lost It In The Great Salt-dip Of ’06.

I Like The Second Better, But The First Fits With The Vampire Watching What She Can’t Have.” I Blinked. “what He Can’t Have,” I Amended, Flushing.

My Office Is Trashed,” He Grumped As He Squished Across His Damp Carpet And Took The Coffee That I Was Holding Out To Him. “why Are You Smiling? My Fish Are Dead.

I Will Compensate All Your One-inch, Two-inch Losses Because I Know How Important Every Inch Is To You Aged, Decrepit Men.

The Small Gargoyle Had Gone Entirely White To Match The Ceiling, And Only The Rims Of His Ears, His Long Clawlike Nails, And A Thick Stripe Down His Whip-like Tail Were Still Gray. He Was Crawling Along The Ceiling Like A Bat, Wings Held To Make Sharp Angles And Claws Extended. It Just About Broke My Creepy Meter.

Jenks Made A Move To Follow, Probably Forgetting He Didn’t Have Wings Anymore. He Leaned Forward And Fell To The Floor, Face First. “jenks!” I Shouted When He Hit With A Dull Smack And Started Swearing.

Rachel?” Came Ivy’s Voice From Her Room. “where’s My Sword?” “in The Foyer Where You Left It Last Week When The Evangelists Were Canvassing The Neighborhood

I'll Always Be Here," He Said Softly. "you Can Never Fill My Need, Never Drive Me Away, No Matter How Much You Give Me. The Good Or The Bad. I'll Always Be Hungry For Emotion, Always And Forever, And I Can Feel You Hurting. I Can Turn It To Joy. If You'll Let Me.

Ivy Turned. 'he Bit You On The Neck?' She Said, Deadpan Serious But For Her Eyes. 'oh, Then It's Got To Be Love. She Won't Let Me Bite Her Neck.

She's Not Your Type. Since When Do I Have A Type?

They Tried To Kill Me,” He Said, His Brow Furrowed As He Glared At Them. “you Saw Them!” “yeah?” I Spouted Off. “they Weren’t Very Good At It!” (trent And Rachel)

Behind The Fury, He Was Tired. He Was Tired Of Being Hauled Around And Shoved Into A Little Room. He Was Tired Of Trying For Me And Failing. And To Have Minias Know It, To Be Carted Off Under His Leash…it Was Almost Insulting. Maybe, If I Gave Al A Night Of Peace To Lick His Wounds And His Pride, He Would Grant That Same Courtesy To Me?

Maybe I Could Be Friends With A Ghost. I Wouldn’t Be Able To Kill Him.

Listen Before You Draw Your Battle Lines, Lest You Alienate Your Allies.

What Was It With Me And Organized Beatings, Anyway?

The Car Picked Up Speed, And The Sound Seemed To Lull Me.i Could Relax, I Thought As I Felt The Tingling Of Circulation In My Limbs. I Was In Trent’s Car, Wrapped In A Blanket, And Held In His Arms. He Wouldn’t Let Anything Hurt Me. He Wasn’t Singing, Though,i Mused.shouldn’t He Be Singing?

She Was Getting Bitchy.that Was A Good Sign. "what Am I Supposed To Do Till You Get Back?" I Said, Patting The Smouldering Leather. "hide In My Closet? I"d Rather Be With You.

Typical" Kisten Said, His Eyes Dramatically Sad. "try To Do Something Nice For A Person, Cheer Her Up, And What Do I Get? Abused And Robbed.

What Are You Doing Now?” Al Questioned, Listing Heavily As He Tucked Another One Of Those Bottles Under His Arm And Staggered For The Cot Half Hidden Behind A Curtain. “seeing If Your Circumcision Is Gone? It Is.

This Is About Ku’sox, Isn’t It,” I Said, More Of A Statement Than A Question. He Made A Sighing Groan, And I Knew It Was. “then You’ve Met,” He Said, His Thoughts Clearly On The Day-walking Demon. “funny, You Don’t Look Dead.” His Hand Touched My Chin, Shifting It So He Could See Where I’d Been Pixed, The Blisters Itchy And Red. “i’m Surprised You Survived The Little Designer Dump. I Nearly Didn’t.

Jenks Laughed, Taking To The Air And Saying, “give It Up, Fib Man. It’ll Take More Than You To Get Her Out. Remember What Ivy And I Did To Your Finest Last Spring? Add Rachel To That, And You Can Say Your Prayers.” From Behind Me Came Edden’s Dry “you Think Ivy Wants Another Stint As A Candy Striper?

A Clipboard And A Hard Hat Could Get You Just About Anywhere.

The Demon's Eyes Flicked To Mine, His Smile Widening. "this Is Nicholas Gregory Sparagmos's Room," He Said, And My Breath Caught. "delightful, Just Delightful! What Are You Doing In Nicky's Room, Rachel? Ooooh, He Summoned You To The West Coast, Didn't He? Did You Kill Him? Good For You For Taking Care Of That Little Problem! I Should Give You A Bunny. Where Is He? Stuffed In A Closet?" ~ Algaliarept, Black Magic Sanction, Kim Harrison

"i'm Going Back!" I Shouted, Standing To Put Some Distance Between Us In Case I Was Yanking Her Chain Too Hard And She Came After Me. "i'll Show Him," I Said, Waving An Arm. "i'll Sneak In. I'll Steal His Freaking Glasses And Mail Them Back To Him In A Freaking Birthday Card!"

...it's Easier To Find A Way To Make Money At Something You Love Than To Learn To Love A Job That You Can Make Money At.

His Attitude, Though Always Bad, Has Changed Since He Helped Me Prep The Pandora Charm For Morgan. He Thinks I'm Falling For Her, As Ridiculous As That Sounds, And He Might Be Tempted To Take Matters Into His Hands.

Go To Sleep, Baby,mama Will Sing. Of Blue Butterflies, And Dragonfly Wings. Moonlight And Sunbeams, Raiments So Fine. Silver And Gold, For Baby Of Mine. Go To Sleep, Baby. Sister Will Tell, Of Wolves And Of Lambs, And Demons Who Fell.-pierce's Lullaby Kim Harrison (black Magic Sanction)

Jenks, You Can Fly Me Up The Rest Of The Way To Trent, And Then Pow! I Give Trent His Statue." "pow, You'll Be Naked!" Jenks Exclaimed. (rachel And Jenks)

A Witch, A Vampire, And A Pixy Walk Into A Bar, I Thought As I Led The Way Into The Squirrel’s End. It Was Early, And The Sun Had Yet To Set When The Door Swung Shut Behind Jenks, Sealing Us In The Warm Air Smelling Faintly Of Smoke. Immediately Nick Yanked It Open To Come In Behind Us. And There’s The Punch Line.

Most Of The Upper Management Of I.s. Were Undead. I Always Thought It Was Because The Job Was Easier If You Didn't Have A Soul.

Adjustment? She Called That An Adjustment? How About I Adjust Her Right Out Of Existence?

Good God,” I Whispered, Sitting On The Van’s Cot And Looking At My Legs, Horrified. They Were Hairy—not Wolf Hairy, But An I-couldn’t-find-my-razor-the-last-six-months Hairy. Utterly Grossed Out, I Took A Peek At My Armpit, Jerking Away. Oh, That’s Just…nasty.

Jenks Kept Me Alive For Two Years Through Two Death Threats, A Crazy Banshee, And At Least Two Serial Killers. Its About Time I Return The Favor! And If I Can't, Then I Can Sit By His Bed And Hold His Hand As He Dies, 'cause I've Had Plenty Of Practice Doing That, Too!

You Look Like The Vamp Who Bled The Cat.

I Thought It Odd That The Woman Was Over A Thousand Years Old But Thought The Microwave Was Primitive.

Can We Get Back To How We’re Going To Kill Nick? And What’s This About A Dead Body? You’d Better Start Talking Quick, Ivy, ’cause I’m Not Going To Play Hide-and-seek With A Dead Guy In My Trunk. I Did That In College, And I’m Not Going To Do It Again.” A Smile Quirked Ivy’s Mouth. “really?” She Asked, And I Flushed.

Memories Of Ice And Trent Surfaced, And I Wrapped My Arms Around My Middle. I Had Saved Him, And He Had Saved Me. What Was Wrong With Us?

Your Hair Is A Tangled Mess,"he Said, Thinking He Liked It That Way, Like A Lion's Mane.

The Warm Dampness Of Her Breath Made Me Shiver At The Mix Of The Familiar And The Unknown, With A Soft Exhalation She Shifted Her Head And Her Lips Found My Collarbone, Teasingly Shy Of My Old Scar. Tendrils Pulsed In Time With My Heart, Building On The Ones Before To An Unseen Height.

...everyone Had To Eat, But Eating People Wasn't Polite.

Actually,” I Said, Hesitant To Bring It Up, “i Was Thinking Along The Lines Of A Curse That Can Turn You Human.” “or Witch?” Ivy Said, Surprising Me. There Was A Soft Vulnerability In Her And I Blinked. “you Don’t Want To Be A Witch,” I Said Quickly. “why Not? You Are.

You Cannot Thrash The Person Who Makes You Coffee. It's A Rule Somewhere.

Tears Could Not Be Equal, If I Wept Diamonds From The Skies," Jenks Whispered, Empty And Bereft. "my Word Silent, Though I Should Howl. Muffled By Death, My Wings Can't Lift Me High Enough To Find You. I Feel You Within. Unaware Of My Pain. Not Knowing Why I Mourn. And Why I Breathe Alone.

Gaily, If You Can't Demonstrate The Ability To Keep Her Alive, Then I Will Take Over Her Care And Get You A Dog Instead." - Newt

Being Poor Is Not An Indication Of Potential Or Worth. It’s A Lack Of Resources.

The Quickest Way To A Woman's Crotch Is Through Her Gullet. Can I Make You A Cake?" Big Al To Pierce, Then Rachel.

Just So You Know, I’ve Trusted You Since Camp.

Relief Spilled Into Me. He Wanted To Live. He Just Didn't Know How.

Like The End Of A Picnic, All The Weenies Will Be Roasted.

Yes, But . . .” She Hesitated, Her Gaze Finally Coming To Me. “i Survived Because I Fell In Love.” With You Was Unspoken.

I Fell In Love With You

God, It Stinks,” I Said, Hand Over My Nose As He Pulled Me Into A Long Step. Al Strode Forward, Head High. “it’s The Stench Of Bureaucracy, My Itchy-witch, And Why I Chose To Go Into Human Resources When But A Wee Lad.

Big Lots,' I Said, Seeing The Eighty-year-old Oaks And Shady Lawns. The Houses Were Set Way Back And Had Iron Fences And Stone Drives. The Harder To Hear Your Neighbors Scream, My Dear,' Was David’s Answer, And I Sent My Head Up And Down In Agreement.

I Grew Up Reading Sf In The 70s And 80s, And I Like Fast, Thought-provoking Plots That Take You Places In Fully Realized Worlds.

Thought Provoking

People Ask Me What I Do In My Spare Time, And I Look At Them Blankly, Truly Believing That I Don't Even Have Spare Time, And If I Did, I'd Probably Use It For Something Mundane, Like Chipping Away At The Mound Of Laundry Rising To Dangerous Proportions In The Back Room.

My Mother Isn't Crazy. She Simply Has A Harder Time Than Most Reconciling Her Reality With Everyone Else's Reality.

A Demon Was Asking Me What I Wanted. My Eyes Flicked To Al, And He Shrugged. “what Do You Want?” He Said Softly.

Of Course I’m Shielding Her, You Broken Feather!

Hate Is All That Keeps Us Alive When Love Is Gone. You’re Almost There. Not Quite Ready To Let It Go Yet.

Don't Fall Into The Trap Of Having To Have Everything Perfect To Write Or Wait Until The Mood Strikes You. If You Want It As A Job, Treat It Like A Job, And Just As You Don't Go To Work Only When You Feel Like It, You Have To Condition Yourself To Sit And Write Even When The Ideas Don't Flow.

You Try Getting Through The Hollows Traffic With A Stoned Redhead Hanging Out The Window Shouting, 'i'm King Of The World!' ~lee

Plan B?' Ivy Said. 'what Is Plan B?' Jenks Reddened. 'grab The Fish And Run Like Hell,' He Muttered, And I Almost Giggled.

You Had This All Planned, Didn’t You?' I Accused. 'thought You Could Come In Here And Seduce Me Like You Do Everyone Else?' It Wasn’t As If I Could Be Angry, Lying Atop Him As I Was, But I Tried.

His Right Ear Still Held Both Studs, And I Wondered Who Had The Missing Earring. I Would Have Asked, But Was Afraid He’d Tell Me Ivy Had It.

No Exclusive,” I Said Aloud, Watching Al For His Opinion And Seeing Him Shake His Head And Hold His Hands Out In A “bigger” Gesture. He Didn’t Even Know How Large The Offer Was, And He Thought I Could Get One Bigger.

Breaking Rules Isn't Bad When What You're Doing Is More Important Than The Rule Itself

Tinks Titties Rache Jenks

The Demon Had Trouble Remembering What She Was Doing, But She Was Powerful, Sort Of The Crazy Wendy Of The Lost Lord-of-the-flies Boys.

That’s My Girl,” She Said, Her Eyes Holding A Shared Pain As She Saw My Confusion. “al, Where Are You Going To Put Her? Not In Your Room. She’d Pull A Line Through You And Kill You When You Hog The Blankets. I’ll Take The Waif In. I Promise I’ll Bring This One Up Properly.

I Sat For A Moment, Figuring Things Out, Then Decided To Stay There. If I Was On The Floor, I Couldn't Fall Down.

Figuring Things

Just Because I Don't Wear My Heart On My Sleeve - " "you Don't Even Wear Your Heart In Your Chest.

And If He Is Lying And He Double-crosses You, I’ll Kill Him For You.” From Anyone Else, It Would Have Been An Idle Threat, And I Smiled, Feeling Loved. (ivy And Rachel)

My Eyes Widened At The Ball Of Orange Fluff Squeezing Out From Under The Counter, Blinking And Stretching. I Looked Again, Not Believing. “it’s A Cat,” I Said, Winning The Pulitzer Prize For Incredible Intellect.

Dead Witch Walking Is Basically A Modern-day Witch Living In Cincinnati.

Hey, Ah, Does Anyone Want A Cookie Or Something? Oh Yeah. A Cookie. That Would Make Everything Better. Dunked In A Shot Of Tequila , Maybe? Or Better Yet, Just The Bottle? Yeah, That Ought To Do It.

Al Was Cruel, Vindictive, Angry, Elegant, Powerful. He Gave Me Strength, He Gave Me Wisdom, Not Only About Magic, But About Myself. He Was A Lot Like Trent, Only Harsher Around The Edges.

As The Joke Goes, You Don’t Have To Be Faster Than The Wolf Chasing You, Just Faster Than Everyone Else Running Away.

His Eyes Met Mine At The Soft Touch, And A Chime Seemed To Shake The Ley Line, Realigning The Universe. He Was Mine.

Your Welcome Means More To Me, Ivy Alisha Tamwood, Than A Thousand Souls. Watching Rachel Work Is A Wonder Of One Catastrophe After Another.

Sweet Mother Of Chaos," He Breathed. "rachel, You Are Indeed One Of Us. Have Your Time In The Sun. You're Worth The Extra Wait.

Shot Me Twice. I Want My Name, Or I'm Going To Start Charging You A Fee Every Time I Field Something For You. And It's Going To Be Expensive. I'm Park Place. Bud-dy." His Red, Goat-slitted Eyes Squinted At Me From Over His Smoked Glasses. "you're More Like Oriental Avenue Right Now, Dove. What Are You On?

But Why Allow Someone To Make A Bad Choice When A Little Information Might Engender A Better One? It's Hard To Wake Up And See The Sun If The Blinds Are Pulled.

That Was Humanity's Problem Right There. They Are Brain Damaged From The Early Sun

I'd Watch Your Mouth", He Said, Tilting His Head As He Looked At My Id."the Last Lunker Who Laughed At Her Picture Spent The Night In The Emergency Room With A Drink Umbrella Jammed Up His Nose".

I Pushed Him Away, Catching Lee's Awe That I Was Not Only Standing With A Demon Outside A Circle, But That Al Was Treating Me Like An Equal. Or Maybe A Favorite Pet, I Amended As Al Caught Me When I Started To Tilt.

It Is Not Always What We Do, Sa'han, But Who We Love That Makes Us Who We Are. Quen

Okay, I Like Him,” I Admitted. “but It Takes More Than A Nice Body, Jenks. Jeez, I Do Have A Little Depth. You’ve Got A Great Body, And You Don’t See Me Trying To Get Into Your Fruit Of The Looms.

It Was Starting To Smell Really Good In Here. And If I Liked What It Smelled Like, Then They Were Liking What They Were Smelling, And Ah…that Would Be Me.

She Thought I Could Find A Way To Save Her Soul When She Died And Became An Undead. Right Now, I Was Just Looking To Find The Rent Money. I’d Get To My Roommate’s Soul Later.

Coffee. I Could Smell Coffee. Coffee Would Make Everything Better.

Who’s Going To Keep Them From Wiping Us Out Species By Species? Not Me. We Aren’t Prepared For A New Demographic Of Magic-using Humans Who Are Sadistic, Power Hungry, Don’t Like Inderlanders, And See Genocide As An Acceptable Form Of Communication.

Rachel, We've Been Over This. This Is What I Do," He Said, Crumbs Of Whiten Cheese Falling From The Knife. "find A Way For Your Lofty, Unrealistic Ideals To Deal With It.

Shut Up," I Hissed. Ticked That He Was Taller Than Me, I Stepped Up Onto A Nearby Coffee Table. "i'm Not In A Cage Anymore," I Said, Keeping Enough Presence Of Mind Not To Poke Him In The Chest With A Finger. His Face Went Startled, Then Cloric. "the Only Thing Between Your Head And My Foot Becoming Real Close And Personal Right Now Is My Questionable Professionalism. And If You Ever Threaten Me Again, I'll Slam You Halfway Across The Room Before You Can Say Number-two Pencil. Got It, You Tall Freak Of Nature?

Presence Of Mind

The Car Was Full Of Unhappy People Heading West. It Was The Great American Family Road Trip, All Right. Whaaa-hoo!

Edden Called The Church First,” She Said By Way Of Greeting, Her Thin Eyebrows High As She Spotted Ford’s Arm Linked In Mine. “hi, Ford.” The Man Reddened At The Lilt She’d Put In Her Last Words, But I Wouldn’t Let Him Take His Arm Back. I Liked Being Needed. “he’s Having Trouble With The Background Emotion,” I Said. “and He’d Rather Be Abused By Yours?” Nice. (ivy, Rachel And Ford)

Rachel Knew What She Was Doing. And When She Didn't, She Could Improvise On The Fly, Coming Up With Options That Left A Lot Of Collateral Damage But Usually Only Hurt Herself, Not The People Around Her. It Was One Of The Things He Would Never Admit That He Admired About Her.

Find Eloy. Smack His Head Into A Wall, Dance On His Guts... I'd Get Creative. Spontaneous Like.

They Weren’t Idiots, But I Attracted Trouble That Just Begged Me To Beat It Into Submission.

A Devious Spark Lit Through Al, Making Me Smile. One Way. It Costs Too Much, He Said. “there’s No Inflation In The Ever-after, Al.” Call It A Recession Then. One Way.

I’d Given Up On The White Picket Fence After Kisten Had Died—finding Out My Kids Would Be Demons Was The Nail In The Coffin.

I Didn’t Know What I Was Going To Say, A Feeling That Was Compounded When The Line Clicked Open And Trent’s Very Muzzy Voice Murmured, “rachel? Mmm, Hi.

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