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Well, It Looks Like John Boehner Will Be The New Speaker Of The House. He Is The Son Of A Bartender, One Of 12 Children. He Grew Up In A Two Room Home With Just One Bathroom, Worked His Way Through School, Became The First Person In His Family To Graduate From College. And, Sadly, Fell In With The Wrong Crowd And Wound Up In Congress.

-Jay Leno

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Well, It Looks Like

Jay Leno

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Well, It Looks Like John Boehner Will Be The New Speaker Of The House. He Is The Son Of A Bartender, One Of 12 Children. He Grew Up In A Two Room Home With Just One Bathroom, Worked His Way Through School, Became The First Person In His Family To Graduate From College. And, Sadly, Fell In With The Wrong Crowd And Wound Up In Congress.

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Congratulations

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Portland Oregon

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Well, Joe Biden Has Done It Again. He Showed Up At The White House Passover Seder With A Bunch Of Ham Sandwiches.

President Bush Is Now Focusing On Jobs. I Think The One Job He's Focusing Most On Is His Own. The White House Is Now Backtracking From Its Prediction That 2.6 Million New Jobs Will Be Created In The U.s. This Year. They Say They Were Off By Roughly 2.6 Million Jobs.

Well, There's A Bright Side To This For Ken Lay. You Know, Throughout The Years Ken Lay Has Been A Big Campaign Contributor To The Republican Party. So Now, He'll Be Able To Meet With Those Same People When He Goes To Prison.

Like In [the 1950s] If You Wanted To Ruin Someone´s Career In Hollywood You Claimed He Was A Communist. Nowadays, You Want To Ruin Someone´s Career In Hollywood, You Claim They Are Republican.

Before They Went On Vacation, Congress Voted To Exempt Themselves From Obamacare. They Gave Themselves A Special Exemption Because They Thought It Was Too Expensive. So The People Who Voted For Obamacare For Us Voted To Exempt Themselves From It. You Know How Doctors Take The Hippocratic Oath. Congress Apparently Takes The 'hypocritic Oath.'

Genetic Scientists Say That One Day It Will Be Possible To Grow New Body Parts, Like New Breasts And New Hands. It's Going To Be A Huge Moneymaker, Because You Know That As Soon As Women Grow Another Breast, Men Will Want Another Hand.

Rumors Have Restarted That The Republican Ticket Will Not Be Bush-cheney. But Today Those Rumors Were Put To Rest When Cheney Said, 'no, I'm Keeping Him On The Ticket.'

If You Give Everybody A Slice Of Pie, You Will Still Have More Than Enough.

President Bush Said He Was 'troubled' By Gay People Getting Married In San Francisco. He Said On Important Issues Like This The People Should Make The Decision, Not Judges. Unless Of Course We're Choosing A President, Then He Prefers Judges.

Former Enron Ceo Jeffrey Skilling Appeared Before Congress. Do You Think They Even Bothered Swearing Him In? Now He Is Denying He Lied To Congress Last Week. He's Saying It Was Just The Liquor Talking.

Elections Officials Here In California Are Concerned That Having 247 Candidates Would Require A Ballot So Long It Would Be Difficult To Count. Today In Florida They Said, 'what? You Count The Ballots?'

President Bush Announced A Major New Plan For The United States To Put A Man On The Moon, Which Would Be A Really Big Story If This Were 1962. Bush Said He Didn't Remember Anything About The 60's - I Guess He Wasn't Lying.

Ex-convicts Prepared The Eggs For The White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s Nice To See The White House Reaching Out To Former Members Of Congress.

President Bush Spent The Day Calling Names He Couldn't Pronounce In Countries He Never Knew Existed.

Jesse Jackson Was Involved In A Three-car Crash This Weekend. I Understand That No One Was Hurt, But I Understand That Two Of The Women In The Other Cars Are Now Pregnant.

(gray) Davis Said Yesterday That He Is Going To Fight Like A Bengal Tiger, Which I Believe Is Also An Endangered Species.

This Week The White House Proposed Fingerprinting And Photographing Foreign Visitors So They Can Do Background Checks. Officials In Saudi Arabia Said This Will Only Increase Anti-american Feelings In The Mideast. Is That Possible? Gee, You Hate To Have People Dislike Us For No Reason. Things Were Going So Well.

A Fitness Instructor In Maine Has Been Charged With Running A Prostitution Business Out Of Her Zumba Dance Studio. Authorities First Got Suspicious When They Saw Guys Going To Work Out At A Zumba Dance Studio.

Kerry Is Saying That Bush Never Showed Up For His National Guard Duty ... And Now Bush Is On The Attack. He's Accusing John Kerry Of Ducking Time In The National Guard By Hiding Out In The Jungles Of Vietnam.

I Believe Engineers Will Save The World.

Oh, Here's Your Tax Dollars At Work. This Is What Makes People Furious. The Head Of The Gsa, A Woman Named Martha Johnson, Has Resigned After They Found Out She Spent Over $830,000 On A Four-day Government Conference In Las Vegas. And The President Is Furious. Not President Obama, The President Of China. It's His Money. It's His Money She Spent.

Good News. President Bush Is Creating Thousands Of New Jobs. Unfortunately, All Of Them Are At The White House.

Chris Christie Has Officially Endorsed Mitt Romney For President. Christie Said President Obama Is 'shrinking The American Pie.' And Believe Me, If There's One Thing Christie Hates, It's A Small Pie.

Hillary Clinton's Opponent In The U.s. Senate Race, The Republican She's Going To Be Running Against, Has Been Married Three Times, Had An Affair With His Chief Of Staff, Had Two Kids With Her While Still Married To His Second Wife. This Is The First Time In History That A Clinton Is The 'family Values' Candidate.

President Bush And Bill Clinton Both Agree That Cloning Is Morally Wrong. Clinton Said That He Thinks Humans Should Be Made The Old-fashioned Way - Liquored Up In A Cheap Hotel Room.

Martha Stewart Published Her Recipe For Disaster -- Mix One Part Arrogance With Two Parts Incompetence, Simmer In The Juices And Then Serve Hot In The Can.

There Is A Video Out Now On How To Please Men. Here's Tip Number 1: Just Show Up!

In People Magazine, Madonna Said Her Life Has Been Exhausting Since She Started Her World Tour. She Said There Isn't A Second Of Her Life That Isn't Taken Up Looking After Her Family Or Thinking Of Her Show - Her Day Is Filled With Problems Of Work And Family. Someone Should Tell Her, Everyone Else Calls That, Life.

Saddam Hussein Is Dead, And Osama Bin Laden Is Dead. If You’re Moammar Gadhafi, Living In Exile Is Starting To Sound Really Good.

Osama Bin Laden

The Fbi Announced Today That They Are Now Looking For Osama Bin Laden's Financial Adviser. You Think This Guy Is In Demand. How Good Can He Be? His Top Client Is Living In A Cave And Driving A Donkey. It Doesn't Sound Like He Is Getting The Best Return On His Investments To Me.

Six Women Have Come Forward That Say Arnold Schwarzenegger Groped Them Without Their Consent. This Proves He Would Be A Hands-on Governor.

So, It's Pretty Crazy. Look, We're Bailing Out Wall Street, We're Bailing Out Banks, We're Bailing Out Car Companies. In Fact, Did You Know There's A Special Box On Your Tax Form This Year You Can Check If You Want A Portion Of Your Taxes To Actually Go To Running The Government?

We're Heading For A Gov. Shutdown. This Is Serious. W/o The Gov Who Will Fail To Inspect Our Airplanes? Who Will Fail To Secure Our Borders? Who Will Put Us 14 Trillion Dollars In Debt?

Family Planning Experts Are Now Recommending Giving Men Vasectomy Gift Cards For The Holidays. Talk About Taking The Jingle Out Of The Bells.

Attorney General John Ashcroft Said There Is A New Credible Terrorist Threat. He Said Everything Is Under Control; Not To Panic. And Then He Went Back To His Harmonically Sealed Bunker.

Researchers Found A Frog In New Guinea That Is So Tiny, They Believe It's The Smallest Vertebrate On The Planet. It Has The Tiniest Backbone Of Any Living Creature, Except Members Of Congress.

According To Federal Reports Filed Yesterday, The Obama Campaign Spent More Money Than They Raised In The Month Of May. They Spent More Money Than They Raised? Well, That's Called Being A Democrat

The Big Winner Last Night In New Hampshire - Senator John Kerry. He Won 39 Percent Of The Vote, Which Is Pretty Good, And Begs The Question, Why The Long Face?

The Bush Administration Has Apparently Approved A Plan To Oust Saddam Hussein. I Think That's President Bush's Father's Day Gift To His Dad.

A Lot Of Congressmen Yesterday Were Upset When Kenneth Lay Took The Fifth. Lay Said It Wasn't His Fault. He Had Planned On Testifying, But When Jeffrey Skilling Testified, He Took All The Really Good Lies.

President Bush Said That Our Kids Must Be Taught How To Read. He Said If His Aides Never Learned To Read, They'd Never Be Able To Tell Him What's In The Newspapers Every Day.

Apparently, Osama Bin Laden Was Killed With Money And Phone Numbers Sewn Into His Clothing. So We Got Him Right Before He Left For Summer Camp.

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