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Genetic Scientists Say That One Day It Will Be Possible To Grow New Body Parts, Like New Breasts And New Hands. It's Going To Be A Huge Moneymaker, Because You Know That As Soon As Women Grow Another Breast, Men Will Want Another Hand.

-Jay Leno

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Genetic Scientists Say That

Jay Leno

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Genetic Scientists Say That One Day It Will Be Possible To Grow New Body Parts, Like New Breasts And New Hands. It's Going To Be A Huge Moneymaker, Because You Know That As Soon As Women Grow Another Breast, Men Will Want Another Hand.

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My Stockbroker Asked Me Something Important Today: Paper Or Plastic?

Some Members Of Congress Now Are Complaining They Are Underpaid. They Want To Propose A Pay Raise. You Can't Blame Them. A Lot Of Them Took A Big Income Hit When Enron Folded.

In Huntington Beach, California, Three Police Instructors Lost Their Jobs After Ordering Two Cadets Who Were Caught Smoking To Eat Cigarette Sandwiches As Punishment. And Of Course The Tobacco Companies Are Thinking, 'cigarette Sandwiches - What A Great Idea.'

President Bush Went Out Touting His Economic Record In Ohio Last Week. Now This Is A State That Lost 225,000 Jobs Since Bush Took Office. You Know, If Bush Wants To Tout His Record, He Should Do It Somewhere Where The Bush Economy Has Actually Created Jobs, Like India, Or Thailand, Or China.

Contact With The Customer Is What Business Is All About.

An Evangelical Minister Has Had To Resign After Pictures Surfaced Showing Him In A Hot Tub With Two Women. He Claimed It Was Just A Baptism Gone Terribly Wrong.

Things Have Really Changed Here In Hollywood. Used To Be People In This Town Couldn't Wait To Get An Envelope Full Of White Powder.

I Didn't Realize It Was October Until I Saw The Chicago Cubs Choking.

John Kerry Says That He Wants To Debate President Bush Once A Month Until The Election. This Could Be A Risky Move For Senator Kerry. If Bush Doesn't Show Up For The Debates, John Kerry May End Up Debating An Empty Chair. And That Could Be Pretty Much A Toss Up As To Which One Has The Better Personality.

Of Course, Republicans Still Can't Believe That Barack Obama Won The Nobel Peace Prize. But Then Democrats Can't Believe That Sarah Palin Wrote A Book.

If I Have One Advantage, It's That I Will Try To Work Harder Than The Next Guy.

Astronomers Have Discovered A Planet That Is Twice The Size Of Earth And Made Of Diamonds. President Obama Says The Planet May Be Inhabited By Aliens Not Paying Their Fair Share.

John Kerry Accused President Bush Of Catering To The Rich. You Know, As Opposed To John Kerry Who Just Marries Them.

Well, 'don't Ask, Don't Tell' Is Back - Not For Gays In The Military. It's President Obama's New Policy For Questions About Libya. Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

A New York Doctor Has Finished A Five Year Study On What Smells Have The Biggest Effect On New Yorkers. The Smell New Yorkers Like The Most: Vanilla. The Smell New Yorkers Like The Least: New Jersey.

Barack Obama Said Yesterday That The Economy Was 'going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better.' See, That's When You Know The Campaign Is Really Over. Remember Before The Election? 'the Audacity Of Hope!' 'yes, We Can!' 'a Change We Can Believe In!' Now It's, 'we're All Screwed.'

The Nation's Largest Savings And Loan, Washington Mutual, Has Become The Biggest Bank Failure In History. See, The Problem With The Savings And Loans? Not Enough Savings, Too Many Stupid Loans, Okay In Fact, They Changed Their Name From Wamu To 'screw You.'

As You All Know By Now, Barack Obama Sent Out A Cell Phone Text Message At 3 A.m. On Saturday Morning To Tell Everyone He Picked Joe Biden As His Vice President. How Do You Think This Makes Hillary Clinton Feel, Huh? Finally, She Gets A Telephone Call At 3 A.m., It's To Tell Her They Picked Joe Biden.

Yesterday President Obama Said, 'we Can't Continue To Treat Tax Money Like Monopoly Money.' Oh Really - How Come All Those Guys On Wall Street Got 'get Out Of Jail Free' Cards?

They Say Hot Dogs Can Kill You. How Do You Know It's Not The Bun?

Sarah Palin Has Revealed She Has Tried Marijuana, But She Did Not Like It. You Know, It's Amazing: 200 Million Americans Have Smoked Marijuana. The Only Ones Who Don't Like It Seem To Be Elected Officials. Ever Notice That?

Elected Officials

This Problem With Illegal Immigration Is Nothing New. In Fact, The Indians Had A Special Name For It. They Called It "white People."

There Was Also Talk Of Bringing Al Gore To California To Help Out, But There Was Concern That Gray Davis And Al Gore In The Same State Would Cause Some Kind Of Rolling Personality Blackout.

Republican Presidential Hopeful Mike Hucka-bs Is Attacking Actress Natalie Portman For Getting Pregnant Without Being Married. It Could Get A Little Awkward If He Runs Into Sarah And Bristol Palin At Fox News.

They Say There Are Something Like 12 Million Illegal Immigrants In The Country Right Now, With Another Half A Million Coming Every Year. Remember In The Last Election When The Democrats Claimed There Was Two Americas? Turns Out One Of Them Was Mexico.

The Good News Is, The Stock Market Is Closed And It Can't Hurt Us Again Until Tomorrow.

Nineteen Percent Of Doctors Say That They'd Be Able To Give Their Patients A Lethal Injection. But They Also Went On To Say That The Patient Would Have To Be Really, Really Behind On Payments.

Rumors Have Restarted That The Republican Ticket Will Not Be Bush-cheney. But Today Those Rumors Were Put To Rest When Cheney Said, 'no, I'm Keeping Him On The Ticket.'

How About This John Edwards Thing? Imagine That, A Personal Injury Attorney Who Turns Out To Be A Sleaze Ball. Who Could Have Seen That Coming?

Well, Joe Biden Has Done It Again. He Showed Up At The White House Passover Seder With A Bunch Of Ham Sandwiches.

John Kerry Now Getting Slammed By The Republicans Because Of A Botched Joke He Did About President Bush And Iraq In A Recent Speech. Kerry Was Stunned About This. He Said, 'what? People Are Listening To My Speeches?'

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