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Attorney General John Ashcroft Said There Is A New Credible Terrorist Threat. He Said Everything Is Under Control; Not To Panic. And Then He Went Back To His Harmonically Sealed Bunker.

-Jay Leno

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Attorney General John Ashcroft

Jay Leno

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Attorney General John Ashcroft Said There Is A New Credible Terrorist Threat. He Said Everything Is Under Control; Not To Panic. And Then He Went Back To His Harmonically Sealed Bunker.

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Big Scandal On The New 'survivor' Series. The White, The Black And The Hispanic Teams Were Caught Cheating Off The Asian Team.

You Know What I'm Doing For Easter? I'm Gonna Be Hanging With My Peeps.

Oliver North Says He Is Very Upset That John Walker Could Come Back To This Country And Cash In On His Celebrity Status. He Hates To See Someone Who Did Something Wrong Get Rewarded By Writing A Book Or Getting A Tv Show Out Of It.

Give A Man A Fish And He Will Eat For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish And He Will Eat For A Lifetime. Teach A Man To Create An Artificial Shortage Of Fish And He Will Eat Steak.

One Of The Taliban Spokesmen Said They Have Thousands Of Men Who Look Forward To Death Like Americans Look Forward To Living, Which Is Great Because We Can Arrange That. We'll Set Them Up With Death, We'll Continue Living.

You Know What Ken Lay Had For Breakfast This Morning? Shredded Wheat.

What's The Difference Between Lindsay Lohan And Rick Perry? It Only Takes Lindsay Four And A Half Hours To Finish A Sentence.

Scientists Say That Texas And Antarctica Were Connected At One Time. In Fact, Early Mexicans Used To Go Through Texas To Try To Sneak Into Antarctica.

Major League Baseball Has Asked Its Players To Stop Tossing Baseballs Into The Stands During Games, Because They Say Fans Fight Over Them And They Get Hurt. In Fact, The Florida Marlins Said That's Why They Never Hit Any Home Runs. It's A Safety Issue.

Martha Stewart Published Her Recipe For Disaster -- Mix One Part Arrogance With Two Parts Incompetence, Simmer In The Juices And Then Serve Hot In The Can.

While President Bush Was Out Of Town Hillary Clinton Stopped By The White House On Friday For An Important Meeting With Her Decorator.

In His First Speech As Speaker, Boehner Thanked His Loved Ones - Tobacco Lobbyists, The Oil Companies, The Ceos.

Anheuser-busch Gives Two Free Cases Of Beer To Its Employees At All Of Its Parks, Like Busch Gardens. That's A Comforting Thought The Next Time You're Getting Ready To Get On The Roller Coaster!

Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra Has Charged The Bush Administration With Keeping Programs Secret From Congress. Somehow No One From Congress Reads The New York Times, I Guess.

A Top Geneticist At Stanford Says Human Intelligence Is Declining. You Know What That Means? We Are Seeing Congress At Its Smartest And Most Effective Right Now.

The Kinsey Institute Says Gay Men Have Bigger Sex Organs. Hence The Origin Of Gay Pride.

They Always Say The Miss America Pageant Isn't A Beauty Contest, It's Really A Scholarship Program. If That's The Case, Why Don't We Just Put All The Contestants On 'jeopardy!' And Pick Miss America That Way? At Least You Get The Smartest One.

On Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales Raised His Right Hand, Swore To Tell The Truth, And Then Everybody Had A Good Laugh And Went Back To What They Were Doing.

They Determined Who Got The First Question By A Coin Toss, To Which Sarah Palin Said, 'oh, What A Coincidence, That's How I Got Picked.'

Postal Inspectors Have Been Given Advanced Warning That Publishers Clearinghouse Is Sending Packets Of Laundry Detergent That Could Be Mistaken For Anthrax. Oh, Good Timing. What Genius Came Up With This Promotion? What's Next - A Ticking Alarm Clock? Let's Put That In A Box.

There Is Now A $5 Million Dollar Bounty On Osama Bin Laden. Which Marks The First Time In History There Has Ever Been A Bounty On A Guy's Head Who Wears Bounty On His Head.

Researchers At Harvard Say That Taking A Power Nap For An Hour In The Afternoon Can Totally Refresh You. They Say That By The Time You Wake Up You'll Feel So Good, You'll Be Able To Start Looking For A New Job.

I Saw Something Stupid In The Paper Today - A New Alarm Clock That Makes No Noise. It's For People Who Don't Like Loud Noises. Instead, It Slowly Hits You With Light And Gets Brighter And Brighter Until You Wake Up. I Already Have One Of Those... It's Called A Window.

First There's The Promise Ring, Then The Engagement Ring, Then The Wedding Ring... Soon After... Comes Suffer...ring!

Border Agents Have Now Been Issued Air Guns That Shoot Pepper Balls At People Coming Across The Mexican Border. Have They Thought This Through? Is That Going To Bother People From Mexico? Pepper Balls? Don't These People Eat Jalapenos? Isn't That Like Firing Meatballs At An Italian Guy?

As We Head To War With Iraq, President Bush Wants To Make One Thing Clear: This War Is Not About Oil. It's About Gasoline.

A Review Of Studies By Physicians Found That Excessive Exercise Is Bad For Your Heart. Another Study Says A Daily Serving Of Chocolate Is Actually Good For Your Heart. That's Got To Make Next Year New Year's Resolution Easier To Keep. "i'm Going To Exercise Less. Eat A Little More Chocolate.

Big News On Cnn, A Search Has Uncovered Illegal Biochemical Agents, Toxins And Other Dangerous Substances. Not In Iraq, In Rush Limbaugh's Medicine Cabinet.

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