Background Image

...

Today, You Get Better Performance From A Ford Focus Than A Ferrari From The Mid-70s. [the Focus] Is Just As Fast And With Better Fuel Economy. It's Fun To See Supercar Technology Trickle Down To Everyday Cars.

-Jay Leno

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Today, You Get Better

Jay Leno

...

Today, You Get Better Performance From A Ford Focus Than A Ferrari From The Mid-70s. [the Focus] Is Just As Fast And With Better Fuel Economy. It's Fun To See Supercar Technology Trickle Down To Everyday Cars.

Views: 98117

Topic

More From Jay Leno

Now See, A Lot Of Critics Are Saying Arnold Can't Get Elected Because He's Just An Ambitious Guy With A Famous Name, Who Doesn't Know Anything About Running The Government. Didn't Hurt George Bush.

I Was Watching Discovery Channel The Other Day, And You Know That They Have Come Up With A New Theory About How Dinosaurs Was Wiped Out? It Was A Midturn Election.

Contact With The Customer Is What Business Is All About.

It's Cold Out. It's Even Cold In Florida. So Cold Today That Katherine Harris Put On A Third Layer Of Makeup.

President Obama Signed A Bill Preventing Members Of Congress From Profiting From Insider Trading. Didn't You Think That Was Already Illegal?

It Seems That Researchers At Colorado University Say Wine May Help People Lose Weight. It's Not The Wine Directly That Causes The Weight Loss, It's All The Walking Around You Do Trying To Find Your Car.

If I Could Ask Ken Lay One Question Right Now, Do You Know What It Would Be? "does The Devil Really Wear Prada?"

It’s Being Reported That The Economy Lost 95,000 Jobs In September. And That’s Just People Leaving The White House.

The Washington Bullets Are Changing Their Name. They Don't Want Their Team To Be Associated With Crime. From Now On, They'll Just Be Known As The Bullets.

There Was A Rumor That Jesse Jackson Was Going To Go Over There To Talk With The Taliban, Apparently They Were Having Trouble Rhyming The Word Jihad.

According To Today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis Now Gets Negative Job Ratings From White People, Black People, Latinos, Republicans, Independents And Even Democrats. Say What You Want About The Guy But He's A Uniter!

Dean's Wife, Judith Steinberg, Made A Rare Appearance With Dean. She's A Doctor, So I Guess They Brought Her In To Stop The Hemorrhaging.

After Saying The Jobs Bill Is Paid For, President Obama Now Says That It Will Be Paid For By Raising Taxes Over 10 Years. I Can't Figure Out If He's The Kind Of Guy Who Makes Infomercials, Or The Kind Of Guy Who Falls For Infomercials.

Schwarzenegger Said Last Night On The Show He Expects His Opponents To Throw All Kinds Of Dirt At Him. And You Know, It's Started Already. Today, They Released The One Thing That Could Really Hurt Arnold. Turns Out He Once Starred In A Movie With Tom Arnold.

President Obama And House Speaker John Boehner Have Agreed To Play A Round Of Golf Together. Imagine The Two Of Them At The End Of That Golf Game? Boehner Will Be Crying Over His Score And Obama Will Be Giving Three Explanations As To Why His Score Is Actually Better Than It Appears.

The White House Is Now Urging Americans Not To 'read Too Much' Into Last Week's Jobs Report. In Fact, They Said It Would Be Best If You Didn't Read It At All.

In His Big Victory Speech Last Night, Senator Kerry Said That He Wanted To Defeat George Bush And The 'economy Of Privilege.' Then He Hugged His Wife, Teresa, Heir To The Multi-million Dollar Heinz Food Fortune.

When President Chirac Gave [president] Bush A Souvenir Statue Of The Eiffel Tower... Bush Said 'this Is Great! A Little Oil Rig!'

Kerry Is Well On His Way To Reaching His Magic Number Of 2,162. That's The Total Number Of Delegates He Needs To Win The Democratic Nomination. See For President Bush It's Different - His Magic Number Is 5. That's The Number Of Supreme Court Judges Needed To Win.

According To Usa Today, 74 Percent Of Americans Plan To Hand Out Candy This Halloween. Although President Obama Thinks It Should Be Just The Top 1 Percent.

Sarah Palin Has Revealed She Has Tried Marijuana, But She Did Not Like It. You Know, It's Amazing: 200 Million Americans Have Smoked Marijuana. The Only Ones Who Don't Like It Seem To Be Elected Officials. Ever Notice That?

Elected Officials

The Republicans Finally Got Some Good News Over The Weekend. The North Koreans Set Off A Nuclear Bomb. Thank God. It Was So Powerful It Knocked The Mark Foley Story Right Off The Front Page. And Knocked Him Off The Page He Was On, Too.

The Fda Is Now Warning People Not To Eat Raw Cookie Dough This Holiday Season. Is That How Fat We're Getting In This Country? Our Ovens Are Too Slow Now?

In California, 50 Women Protested The Impending War With Iraq By Lying On The Ground Naked And Spelling Out The Word Peace. Right Idea, Wrong President.

The Healthcare Reform Bill Now Includes A Tanning Booth Tax Of 10 Percent. You Know What This Means? This Whole Thing Could Be Funded By The Cast Of 'jersey Shore.'

Healthcare Reform

Ann Landers Said That You Are Addicted To Sex If You Have Sex More Than 3 Times A Day, And That You Should Seek Professional Help. I Have News For Ann Landers: The Only Way I Am Going To Get Sex 3 Times A Day Is If I Seek Professional Help.

Republicans Are Always Criticizing President Obama For Using The Teleprompter. Is That A Big Deal? After Eight Years Of George Bush, I'm Glad We Have A President That Can Read.

You Know, Something Like 90 People Who Have Now Filed To Run For Governor In This Recall Election. They Say There Could Be As Many As 200 People On The Ballot. You Know, It's Really Easy To Run Here In California. All You Need Is Like A Couple Of Signatures, Not Many, Thirty-five Hundred Bucks, You're On The Ballot, Like That. I Mean, What Does It Say About California? We Have Stricter Requirements To Get On 'american Idol' Than We Do To Run For Governor.

"this Is Now The Twelfth Day Of Rioting In France. They Have Been Rioting For Almost Two Weeks. And France Has Still Not Surrendered. That's Like A Record.

House Speaker John Boehner Says President Obama Should Have Clearly Outlined His Exact Plans Before Bombing Libya. Apparently It's Only Iraq Where You Don't Have To Do That.

The Democrats Say That President Bush Doesn't Have An Exit Strategy For Iraq. Of Course He Does. If Things Don't Go Well, He Exits In November.

American Taliban John Walker Lindh Has Pleaded Guilty To Two Counts Of Terrorism And Will Face Twenty Years In Prison. I Guess That Means His Jihad Is On Ji-hold.

Even Arnold's Adviser Says He Was Shocked By His Decision To Run. I Mean, His People Were Backstage That Night And They Had No Idea. He Totally Fooled Them. Who Knew Arnold Was That Good Of An Actor? If He Had Done That In A Movie, He'd Have An Academy Award By Now.

At The G-20 Summit, The White House Accidentally Listed A Phone-sex Line For Journalists Seeking An On-record Briefing Call For Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton. To Which Bill Said, 'boy, Did They Get The Wrong Number.'

I'm Glad The Government Has Shut Down. Think About It, For The First Time In Years It's Safe To Talk On The Phone And Send Emails Without Anybody Listening In.

And Some Sad News... The First Lesbian Couple To Legally Get Married In The State Of Massachusetts Has Split Up. They Cited Irreconcilable Similarities.

John Kerry's Victory Over Howard Dean Has Completely Changed The Presidential Race Around. Now Instead Of The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In The White House Facing Off Against The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In Vermont, He May Have To Face The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In Massachusetts. It's A Whole Different Game.

Michael Jackson Has A New Baby Boy; No Word Yet Who The Father Is.

One Of The Interpreters Hired By Cbs For The Dan Rather/saddam Hussein Interview Adopted A Phony Arabic Accent. You Know, Maybe Cbs Should Have Hired Somebody With A Fake Dan Rather Accent To Ask Tougher Questions.

According To A New Survey, 90% Of Men Say Their Lover Is Also Their Best Friend. Which Is Really Kind Of Disturbing When You Consider Man's Best Friend Is His Dog.

We Are In A Code Orange. Homeland Security Said Earlier Today That Everyone Should Have A Roll Of Duct Tape And Plastic Sheeting To Protect Your House In Event Of Terrorist Attacks. Who Came Up With This Idea? Macgyver?

U.n. Weapons Inspectors Found Empty Chemical Warheads In Iraq. So, The Question Everyone Is Asking Now Is How Did Sean Penn Miss This?

French Troops Arrived In Afghanistan Last Week, And Not A Minute Too Soon. The French Are Acting As Advisers To The Taliban, To Teach Them How To Surrender Properly.

Twenty-one Years Ago Today Saddam Hussein Was First Elected President Of Iraq And He Has Been Re-elected Ever Since. Apparently They Have The Same Electoral Process We Do, You Don't Need The Popular Vote To Win.

Inauguration Security Was Tighter Than Kirstie Alley In A Pair Of Spandex Pants.

This Is My Favorite Story Of The Week. The Republican National Committee Is In Trouble After Spending Nearly $2,000 At A Bondage Club In Hollywood. You Know What I Call A Republican Who Spends A Lot Of Money In A Strip Club? A Democrat.

Mitt Romney Is Predicting That As President, He Will Create 12 Million Jobs In His First Term. Well, President Obama Says A Romney Presidency Would Result In Lost Jobs. Yeah, His And Biden's.

George W. Bush Says He Spends Sixty To Ninety Minutes A Day Working Out. He Says He Works Out Because It Clears His Mind. Sometimes Just A Little Too Much.

It's Casual Friday, Which Means That At The White House, They're Casually Going Through Everybody's Phone Calls And Records.

Folks, Tomorrow America Will Get To Hear Those Four Words We've Been Waiting For: "former President George Bush".

That Must Be Strange, Cheating On Your Wife With A Flight Attendant. They're In Bed And She's Says, 'in The Event That Wife Should Come Home Early Please Notice The Location Of The Nearest Emergency Exit.'

Donald Trump Said He Will Not Decide About A Possible Run For The Presidency Until After The Current Season Of Celebrity Apprentice Wraps Up. Say What You Want About Trump, At Least This Guy Has His Priorities In Order. He Doesn't Want To Let Actual Reality Get In The Way Of His Reality Show.

President Bush Said That Our Kids Must Be Taught How To Read. He Said If His Aides Never Learned To Read, They'd Never Be Able To Tell Him What's In The Newspapers Every Day.

Michele Bachmann Said That If She Is Elected President, She Would Consider Eliminating The Department Of Education Because "the States Could Do A Gooder Job.

The Sacramento Bee Is Reporting That Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Not Going To Run For Governor. You Know What Would Be Better? Arnold Should Do What He Does In The Terminator Movies. He Should Go Back In Time And Prevent Gray Davis From Ever Being Born. That Way You Wouldn't Have The Problem.

I Don't Want To Say Gray Davis Is On The Run, But Today He Released An Audiotape On The Al Jazeera Network From His Underground Bunker Somewhere In The Sacramento Area.

Ex-convicts Prepared The Eggs For The White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s Nice To See The White House Reaching Out To Former Members Of Congress.

At The Airport If You Refuse To Be Patted Down, They Arrest You. And What's The First Thing They Do When They Arrest You? They Pat You Down.

More Coming Out About Saddam Hussein. We Now Know He Takes Viagra And He Has As Many As Six Mistresses. No Wonder Congress Is Reluctant To Take Action Against This Guy - He's One Of Their Own.

Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge Raised Security Alert To A Code Red. Apparently Howard Dean Has Escaped. Did You See Dean's Crazed Speech The Other Night, Yelling? I See Why His Wife Won't Campaign With Him. In Fact, Dean Has A New Slogan: 'aaghhhh.'

As You Know, John Mccain Is An Older, White-haired Man Who Has Been In The Senate For Over Twenty Years, Voted For The Iraq War, And Said Barack Obama Did Not Have The Experience To Be President. I'm Sorry, That's Our Intro For Next Week When Joe Biden Is On, I Got Confused.

They Say Hot Dogs Can Kill You. How Do You Know It's Not The Bun?

The Hot Gossip In Washington Is That Condoleezza Rice Might Have A New Boyfriend. Secretary Of State Rice Is Being Linked To Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter Mackay. It's Gotta Be Awkward Dating A Fellow Diplomat. Like Today, Mackay Had To Promise Condi He Would Get Permission From The U.n. Before He Invaded Her.

Show Business Is Like Champagne. You'll Appreciate It More If You Don't Drink It Everyday

At The Sharper Image Store, I Saw A Body Fat Analyzer. Didn't That Used To Be Called A Mirror?

There Is A Penalty For Trying To Knock Down A Cockpit Door, But It's The People Who Try To Go From Coach To 1st Class They Really Beat Up.

A Christmas Tree--the Perfect Gift For A Guy. The Plant Is Already Dead.

Yesterday All Five Living Presidents Gathered For The Opening Of The George W. Bush Presidential Library In Dallas. Well, Six Living Presidents If You Count Hillary In 2016.

Martha Stewart Is Now Under House Arrest. So She'll Go To Her $40 Million 153-acre Estate. So She's Going From The Big House To An Even Bigger House.

Did You See Those Iraqis Making That Pilgrimage Slashing Their Foreheads With Knives And Whipping Their Backs With Chains. See, When Saddam Hussein Was Around They Weren't Allowed To Make That Pilgrimage. If They Tried That With Saddam Hussein, He Would Have Slashed Their Foreheads With Knives And Whipped Their Backs With Chains.

The Taliban Has Asked Osama Bin Laden To Voluntarily Leave The Country.they Said They Delivered Him A Note Asking Him To Leave, Which Is A Pretty Goodtrick Considering They Claim They Don't Even Know Where He Is.

Osama Bin Laden

President Bush Announced Tonight That He Believes In Democracy And That Democracy Can Exist In Iraq. They Can Have A Strong Economy, They Can Have A Good Health Care Plan, And They Can Have A Free And Fair Voting. Iraq? We Can't Even Get This In Florida.

You Know What Ken Lay Had For Breakfast This Morning? Shredded Wheat.

Well, The Big Story -- Hillary Clinton Will Be Running For President In 2008. You Know Why I Think She's Running? I Think She Finally Wants To See What It's Like To Sleep In The President's Bed.

Senator Chris Dodd Unveiled His Plan To Reduce Corruption In The Senate. He's Retiring.

How Would It Be If We Discovered That Aliens Only Stopped By Earth To Let Their Kids Take A Leak?

I Don't Mean To Harp On This, But It's Like The Networks Are A How-to Manual For Terrorists. You See Them On The News. This Reporter Is Standing Outside A Water Treatment Plant, Going, 'if They Poured The Poison Here It Could Wipe Out Thousands Because The Guard Is Off Duty From Noon Until 1 Every Day!'

The Canadian Prime Minister Said Canada Would Lend The U.s. Its Full Military Support. You Know What That Means: Both Tanks.

It Looks Like Rudy Giuliani Is Out Of The Race. Finally, A Republican With An Exit Strategy.

Actually, The University Of California Says They May Start A Marijuana Research Center. Really? I Thought The University Of California Was A Marijuana Research Center.

The Pennsylvania Game Commission Has Charged A Man With Going Deer Hunting With A Handgun In A Wal-mart Parking Lot. He Is Being Charged With Reckless Endangerment, But May Plead Guilty To The Lesser Charge Of Being A Redneck.... Hunting In A Wal-mart Parking Lot. That's Got To Be Some Good Eating A Deer That Lives On Leftover Twizzlers And Mountain Dew.

They Say If The Warming Trend Continues, By 2015 Hillary Clinton Might Actually Thaw Out.

Jesse Jackson Also Said He Thought Barack Obama Was Talking Down To Black People By Lecturing Them On Things Like Fatherhood And Being A Responsible Husband. Jesse Thought It Was Insulting, Not Only To Him, But To His Former Mistress And Their Love Child.

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger Made Another Major Announcement. He Said His Lieutenant Governor Will Be Xena, Warrior Princess.

How About This John Edwards Thing? Imagine That, A Personal Injury Attorney Who Turns Out To Be A Sleaze Ball. Who Could Have Seen That Coming?

Michele Bachmann Told Reporters That She Will Lead The Nation In Prayer If She Is Elected President. You Know If She Is Elected President, We All Better Be Praying. She Doesn't Have To Lead Us.

According To The L.a. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft Wants To Take "a Harder Stance" On The Death Penalty. What's A Harder Stance On The Death Penalty? We're Already Killing The Guy? How Do You Take A Harder Stance On The Death Penalty? What, Are You Going To Tickle Him First? Give Him Itching Powder? Put A Thumbtack On The Electric Chair?

Nike Actually Has A Pair Of Shoes Called Air-turbulence. Try Getting Past Airline Security Wearing Those. Might As Well Call Them Air-osama.

A Woman In Great Britain Has Died After Being Hit In The Back Of The Head By A Golf Ball, On The First Hole. Her Husband Was So Distraught, He Only Played The Front Nine.

Studies Show American Students Are Becoming Less Proficient In Math. Experts Say We Should Have Seen This Coming, But Nobody Could Put 2 And 2 Together.

The Republican Debate Got Pretty Heated. They Spent Most Of Their Time Arguing Over Who God Called First.

Hillary Clinton's Opponent In The U.s. Senate Race, The Republican She's Going To Be Running Against, Has Been Married Three Times, Had An Affair With His Chief Of Staff, Had Two Kids With Her While Still Married To His Second Wife. This Is The First Time In History That A Clinton Is The 'family Values' Candidate.

Hey, Barack Obama Had To Give Up His Blackberry. He's The First Wired President. ... He Might Have To Give His Blackberry Because Of Security Reasons. Because They're Easy To Hack Into. In Fact, When Obama Heard He Might Have To Give It Up, He Said, 'omg! Wtf?' I Mean, He Couldn't Believe It.

Don't Forget Mother's Day. Or As They Call It In Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

President Bush And Bill Clinton Both Agree That Cloning Is Morally Wrong. Clinton Said That He Thinks Humans Should Be Made The Old-fashioned Way - Liquored Up In A Cheap Hotel Room.

A Lot Of People Are Now Criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft For His Policy On Detaining What He Considers Suspicious People. I Think He's Going A Little Overboard. Today, He Arrested The Entire Band Foreigner.

Thanksgiving, When The Indians Said, "well, This Has Been Fun, But We Know You Have A Long Voyage Back To England".

Well, There's A Bright Side To This For Ken Lay. You Know, Throughout The Years Ken Lay Has Been A Big Campaign Contributor To The Republican Party. So Now, He'll Be Able To Meet With Those Same People When He Goes To Prison.

The Democrats Are All Over This. Democratic Strategists Feel John Kerry's War Record Means He Can Beat Bush. They Say When It Comes Down To It Voters Will Always Vote For A War Hero Over Someone Who Tried To Get Out Of The War. I'll Be Sure To Mention That To Bob Dole When I See Him.

Last Night, We Had The First Gubernatorial Debate. Some People Are Criticizing Schwarzenegger For Not Going. They Say Arnold Goes Around Telling People He Cares, Everything Is Going To Be Great, Forget About Everything He Did In The '70s. Hey, It Worked For George Bush.

More And More Facts Coming Out About Osama Bin Laden. You Know, He Never Sleeps In The Same Place Two Nights In A Row, Just Like Clinton.

Barack Obama Said Yesterday That The Economy Was 'going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better.' See, That's When You Know The Campaign Is Really Over. Remember Before The Election? 'the Audacity Of Hope!' 'yes, We Can!' 'a Change We Can Believe In!' Now It's, 'we're All Screwed.'

According To A Survey In This Week's Time Magazine, 85% Of Americans Think Global Warming Is Happening. The Other 15% Work For The White House.

Do You Have Any Idea How Cheap Stocks Are? Wall Street Is Now Being Called Wall Mart Street

Now The Democrats Control The Senate. But The Good News Is That Now The Republicans Can Admit That Strom Thurmond Has Been Dead Since 1988.

I Don't Know Why It's So Hard To Believe Women. You To Go Saudi Arabia And You Need Two Women To Testify Against A Man. Here You Need 25.

There Was Also Talk Of Bringing Al Gore To California To Help Out, But There Was Concern That Gray Davis And Al Gore In The Same State Would Cause Some Kind Of Rolling Personality Blackout.

According To Kim Jong-il's Biography, They Say He Has Been Constantly Accused Of Dishonesty, Drunkenness And Sexual Excess. So If He Lived Here, He Could Be In Congress.

The Reigning Miss Canada Has Been Arrested For Punching Out Another Woman In A Bar Fight.quite Frankly, I Think It's Refreshing To Finally Find One Beauty Pageant Winner Who Is Against World Peace.

In Huntington Beach, California, Three Police Instructors Lost Their Jobs After Ordering Two Cadets Who Were Caught Smoking To Eat Cigarette Sandwiches As Punishment. And Of Course The Tobacco Companies Are Thinking, 'cigarette Sandwiches - What A Great Idea.'

Today, You Get Better Performance From A Ford Focus Than A Ferrari From The Mid-70s. [the Focus] Is Just As Fast And With Better Fuel Economy. It's Fun To See Supercar Technology Trickle Down To Everyday Cars.

I Had A Dog That Was So Lazy, He Had A Prerecorded Bark.

This Tony Haywire Guy, Whatever His Name Is, He Told The Bbc On Sunday That He Believes The New Oil Cap That They've Installed Will Eventually Capture The Vast Majority Of Oil Spewing From The Well. You Know, If They Could Capture Half The Bs Spewing From Tony Hayward, People Would Be Thrilled.

I Believe Engineers Will Save The World.

The Queen Of England Jumped Out Of A Helicopter And Parachuted Into The Stadium. What Was Even More Amazing Was When Prince Charles Flew In Using His Ears As A Hang Glider.

London Olympics

The Senate Voted 97-0 For An Anti-spam Bill To Stop Those Annoying Things You Get On Your Computer. The Senators Made It Very Clear That When You Start Misleading The American People And Start Taking Their Money Over False Promises, That's Our Turf, Buddy!

There Are Now Reports That President Obama Will Name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry To Be The Next Secretary Of Defense. Apparently This Is Part Of America's New Defense Strategy To Bore Our Enemies To Death.

In Afghanistan, U.s. Troops Are Now Holding An American Man Who Has Been Fighting Alongside The Taliban. His Mother Says He Was Born In Washington, D.c. And His Father's A Lawyer. Well, That Explains It. ... He Surrendered To Authorities And Said He Wants To Go Back To His Old Job - Airline Security Guard.

John Kerry Described His Republican Critics As 'the Most Crooked, Lying Group I've Ever Seen.' Now, That's Saying Something, Because Kerry's Both A Lawyer And A Politician.

A New Study Shows That American Students Are Becoming Less Proficient In Science, And If The Trend Continues, We Will Become A Nation That's Science And Chemistry Illiterate. And You Thought A Lot Of Meth Labs Are Blowing Up Now?

President Obama Will Be Going To Disney World Where He'll Unveil His New Plan To Create Jobs. And What Better Place For The President To Talk About His Jobs Plan Than Fantasyland?

This Is A Strange Country We Live In. When It Comes To Electing A President, We Get Two Choices. But When We Have To Select A Miss America, We Get 50.

Starbuck's Is Going To Start Selling Instant Coffee. This Is For People Who Want The Quality Of Sanka, But Want To Pay The High Starbuck's Price.

My Stockbroker Asked Me Something Important Today: Paper Or Plastic?

President Bush Spoke With The Amish. He Didn't Want To, But It Was The Only Group He Could Find That Wasn't Upset About The High Price Of Gas.

Bob Dole Revealed He Is One Of The Test Subjects For Viagra. He Said On Larry King, 'i Wish I Had Bought Stock In It.' Only A Republican Would Think The Best Part Of Viagra Is The Fact That You Could Make Money Off Of It.

President Bush Demanded That Kerry Apologize. Can You Imagine That -- Bush Demanding An Apology For Someone Stumbling Over His Words? ... Kerry Should Have Tried The Bush Strategy: Say So Many Stupid Things, No One Cares Anymore.

The First Case Of Mad Cow Disease Since 2006 Was Discovered Right Here In The United States. The Good News, Since The Cow Is In California, Instead Of Putting The Cow Down, They Are Going To Enroll Him In Anger Management Classes.

Mad Cow Disease

Supporters Of Osama Bin Laden Want To Rename The Arabian Sea After Bin Laden's Death. They Want To Call It "martyr's Sea." Please, Hiding In Your Bedroom For Six Years With The Blinds Closed? How About "chicken Of The Sea?

I'm Sure You Know By Now, Jesse Jackson Was Overheard Saying, And I'll Put This More Delicately, That He Wanted To Cut Barack Obama's Testicles Off. And Jesse Has Been On Several News Programs The Last Couple Of Days, Explaining What He Meant By Those Comments. Do You Need To Explain That?

The White House Softball Team Played The Pro-marijuana Lobbyists' Team And Lost 25-3. Still No Word Yet On Which Side President Obama Played For.

Changing The Story Until You Believe It.

Do You Realize That The Bush Administration Has Now Produced More Gay Marriages Than Jobs?

According To A New Study, 63% Of Men Surveyed Said They Like To Settle An Argument By Having Sex. The Other 37% Of The Men Said They Would Never Want To Get Into An Argument With Those Men.

When They Said "make Love, Not War" At Woodstock, They Never Imagined That One Would Become As Dangerous As The Other.

For The First Time In History, Sex Is More Dangerous Than The Cigarette Afterward.

Cigarette Smoke

The Mirror Interviewed One Of Osama Bin Laden's Sons And Said Bin Laden Has 42 Children. That's Going To Happen When You Sleep In A Different Cave Every Night.

Researchers Found A Frog In New Guinea That Is So Tiny, They Believe It's The Smallest Vertebrate On The Planet. It Has The Tiniest Backbone Of Any Living Creature, Except Members Of Congress.

The Fcc Is Considering Lifting The Ban On Cellphone Calls On Planes. The Good News Is You'll Be Able To Make Calls During Your Flight. The Bad News? The Person Sitting Next To You Will Be Able To Make Cellphone Calls During Yourflight.

The Games Haven't Even Started Yet And Already There Are People Complaining About The Horrible Accommodations At The Sochi Olympic Village. Toilets Don't Flush. The Faucets Spew Discolored Water. They Say It's Like Being On A Royal Caribbean Cruise.

If I Have One Advantage, It's That I Will Try To Work Harder Than The Next Guy.

Geraldo Has Returned To The States. See? I Told You Airline Security Was A Joke.

Airline Security

Last Week Convicted Enron Crook Ken Lay Died Of A Heart Attack. They Announced They Were Going To Cremate Him. Where He's Going, Why Bother?.

We're Fighting Three Wars Now. Imagine How Many We'd Be Fighting If President Obama Hadn't Won The Nobel Peace Prize.

Valentines Day Are Coming Up And A German Company Has Made Chokolate In Shapes Of Couples Making Love. I Don't Like Them... I Don't Want My Chokolate To Have More Fun Than Me.

Yesterday President Obama Said, 'we Can't Continue To Treat Tax Money Like Monopoly Money.' Oh Really - How Come All Those Guys On Wall Street Got 'get Out Of Jail Free' Cards?

If There Isn't A Parking Space Out Front Or I Can't See My Car From The Window, We're Eating Somewhere Else.

President Bush Was In Los Angeles Yesterday Where He Announced His New Campaign Theme - “safer, Stronger, And Tested.” Isn't That A Condom Ad?

President Obama Was In India Yesterday Visiting Our Jobs. Tomorrow He Goes To China To Visit Our Money.

For The First Time Ever, Women Are Scoring Higher Than Men On Iq Tests. Scientists Say It Has Something To Do With Breast Implants -- Not That It Makes The Women Smarter, It Just Makes The Men Dumber.

Whitney Houston Rear-ended A City Bus With Her Sports Car, But No One Was Hurt. She Said She Didn't Know What Happened. One Minute She Was Concentrating On The Big White Line, And The Next, Boom!

The Obama Administration Asked General Motors Ceo Rick Wagoner To Step Down, And He Agreed. This Is Good News For Obama; The Last Time He Tried To Get Someone To Quit, It Took Months -- And Even Then, He Had To Promise Her A Job As Secretary Of State. ... According To The Government, Rick Wagoner Was Forced To Resign Because Of Poor Performance. That's Embarrassing -- Run An Organization That Loses Billions Of Dollars And Then Get Fired By A Guy Who Heads Up An Organization That Loses Trillions Of Dollars.

Of Course, Republicans Still Can't Believe That Barack Obama Won The Nobel Peace Prize. But Then Democrats Can't Believe That Sarah Palin Wrote A Book.

Usa Today Reports That The Number Of Death Row Executions This Year Has Hit A 35-year Low. They Attribute That To Dna Evidence Clearing More People And The Fact That Rick Perry Has Been On The Road Campaigning.

It Turns Out Enron Workers Were Not Only Shredding Documents At Work, They Were Having Sex At Work. Having Sex And Shredding Documents. Those Are Two Things You Don't Want To Get Mixed Up.

A Canadian Psychologist Is Selling A Video That Teaches You How To Test Your Dog's Iq. Here's How It Works: If You Spend $12.99 For The Video, Your Dog Is Smarter Than You.

When Rick Perry Was Told About Kim Jong Il, He Said, 'i Never Heard Of Him, But Then Again, I Don't Listen To That Rap.'

I Think High Self-esteem Is Overrated. A Little Low Self-esteem Is Actually Quite Good. Maybe You're Not The Best, So You Should Work A Little Harder.

Nancy Pelosi Said That When It Comes To Cleaning Up Government, The Democrats Have Drained The Swamp. The Only Problem With That Is What's Left After You Drain The Swamp: Snakes Everywhere.

In America, We Like Everyone To Know About The Good Work We're Doing Anonymously.

The Price Of Oil Is Rising Because Of All The Unrest In The Middle East. And The Unrest In Wisconsin Is Causing The Price Of Cheese To Go Through The Roof.

The Bush Administration Said Today There Is A Lot Of Support For Us To Attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, They're All Lining Up.

Is It Me Or Is Bush Going Everywhere Kerry Goes? So Far In The Past Week, President Bush Has Followed John Kerry To Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; And He Follows Him To Portland, Oregon. The Only Place He Never Followed John Kerry Was Vietnam.

Portland Oregon

A New Poll Shows That Americans Now Believe That Bill Clinton Is More Honest Than President Bush. At Least When Clinton Screwed The Nation, He Did It One Person At A Time.

A German Psychologist Says That Women Talk More Than Men Because They Have A Bigger Vocabulary. But, It Evens Out Because Men Only Listen Half The Time.

In The Enron Scandal, Whistleblower Sherron Watkins Is Now Calling Herself Enron Brokovitch. She Testified Ken Lay Was Duped By The Other Executives. Oh, Yeah. When Is The Last Time You Got Duped And Made $100 Million?

Postal Inspectors Have Been Given Advanced Warning That Publishers Clearinghouse Is Sending Packets Of Laundry Detergent That Could Be Mistaken For Anthrax. Oh, Good Timing. What Genius Came Up With This Promotion? What's Next - A Ticking Alarm Clock? Let's Put That In A Box.

As You Know President Bush Has Been Traveling Around The Country Trying To Sell His New Social Security Plan. He Wants To Take Our Retirement Money And Invest It In The Stock Market. He Says Nothing Can Go Wrong. I'll Mention That To Martha Stewart The Next Time I See Her.

The Longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, Found Guilty Just A Few Hours Ago On All Charges In His Corruption Trial. Do You Know This Story? He Failed To Report He Had Some Work Done On His House. Yeah, Here's The Bad Part. You Know Who Did The Work? Joe The Plumber. Unlicensed.

A Congressman Actually Apologized To Bp's Ceo For The Way The Company Has Been Treated. How Stupid Are You When The Ceo Of Bp Is In The Room And People Think You're The Moron?

Anyway, A Spokesman For Barack Obama Says The Prisoners That Are Released From Guantanamo Will Either Be Sent Back To Their Home Countries Or Enter The New York City Cab Driver Training Program.

It's Just A Matter Of Time Before We Go Into Iraq And Get Saddam Hussein. I Think Just Before Bush Falls Below 50 Percent, That's When We'll Be Going.

Anybody Who Gives Their Car To A Valet Isn't A Car Guy

On 'meet The Press' Yesterday President Bush Was Asked What He Would Do If He Lost The Election And Bush Said, ''phhh, You Mean Like Last Time?'

The Worst Thing About Losing This Job: I’m No Longer Covered By Nbc. I Have To Sign Up For Obamacare.

Congratulations To The Italian People For Winning The World Cup. ... They Won After France's Best Player Got Ejected For Head Butting. That's The Closest Anyone In A French Uniform Has Come To Combat In 60 Years.

Congratulations

Italian Authorities Seized $6 Trillion Worth Of Fake, Worthless U.s. Treasury Bonds. Pretty Good Counterfeit Job, Too. They Look Just Like The Genuine, Worthless Treasury Bonds.

Now This Really Annoys Me: All These People Getting On The Internet And Saying Nostradamus Predicted This. If Nostradamus Were Alive Today His Name Would Be Miss Cleo And He'd Be Charging $2.99 A Minute.

John Kerry Said Today He Wants To Debate President Bush Once A Month. Hey Good Luck, If Bush Couldn't Make It To The National Guard Once A Month, He's Not Going To Show Up For This.

Sixty Years Ago This Week Hitler Invaded Poland. This Led To The Creation Of The History Channel.

A Survey Says That American Workers Work The First Three Hours Every Day Just To Pay Their Taxes. So That's Why We Can't Get Anything Done In The Morning: We're Government Workers.

Go Through Your Phone Book, Call People And Ask Them To Drive You To The Airport. The Ones Who Will Drive You Are Your True Friends. The Rest Aren't Bad People; They're Just Acquaintances.

Howard Dean Announced Today He Will Campaign In Seven States. The States Are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, And Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!

President Clinton And President Obama Played A Round Of Golf Over The Weekend. President Clinton Asked Obama What His Handicap Was, And Obama Said, 'joe Biden.'

I'm Going To Be Going To A Secluded Spot Where No One Can Find Me - Nbc Prime Time.

A Libyan Rebel Has Admitted To Killing Moammar Gadhafi. He Said He Shot Gadhafi Twice In The Temple, To Which Michele Bachmann Said, "i Didn't Even Know The Guy Was Jewish.

While Visiting Kenya, Former President Clinton Was Offered 40 Goats And 20 Cows For His Daughter, Chelsea, By A Love Struck Government Official. Bill Said, "no Way!" How Does That Make Hillary Feel? Bill Almost Gave Her Up For One Cow.

Researchers At Harvard Say That Taking A Power Nap For An Hour In The Afternoon Can Totally Refresh You. They Say That By The Time You Wake Up You'll Feel So Good, You'll Be Able To Start Looking For A New Job.

Before They Went On Vacation, Congress Voted To Exempt Themselves From Obamacare. They Gave Themselves A Special Exemption Because They Thought It Was Too Expensive. So The People Who Voted For Obamacare For Us Voted To Exempt Themselves From It. You Know How Doctors Take The Hippocratic Oath. Congress Apparently Takes The 'hypocritic Oath.'

When You Fix Something With Your Hands It Gives You A Sense Of Accomplishment And A Sense Of Self Worth.

A Petition To Have Justin Bieber Deported Got Over 100,000 Signatures, Which Means The White House Now Has To Legally Rule On It. So Finally A Chance For Obama To Issue An Executive Order That Both Republicans And Democrats Can Agree On.

There's This Big Pie In Show Business, And You Physically Can't Eat The Whole Pie. If You Give Everybody A Slice Of Pie, You Will Still Have More Than Enough. The Real Trick Is Not To Try To Get The Whole Pie, But To Keep The Biggest Slice.

Today Is February 14th - St. Valentine's Day. Women Call It Love Day, While Men Name It As Extortion Day.

If You Give Everybody A Slice Of Pie, You Will Still Have More Than Enough.

In A Groundbreaking Move, The Associated Press, The Largest News-gathering Organization In The World, Will No Longer Use The Term 'illegal Immigrant'. They Will Now Use The Phrase 'undocumented Democrat'.

Former Enron Founder Ken Lay And Ceo Jeffrey Skilling Found Guilty In The Enron Case. Ken Lay Is So Guilty I'm Surprised People Aren't Calling Him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till These Guys Find Out In Prison That Insider Trading Has A Whole New Meaning.

As You All Know By Now, Barack Obama Sent Out A Cell Phone Text Message At 3 A.m. On Saturday Morning To Tell Everyone He Picked Joe Biden As His Vice President. How Do You Think This Makes Hillary Clinton Feel, Huh? Finally, She Gets A Telephone Call At 3 A.m., It's To Tell Her They Picked Joe Biden.

If You're A Gunfighter, You Like To Die In The Street.

You Can't Stay Mad At Somebody Who Makes You Laugh.

Everyone Is So Concerned Now Where All Of The Candidates Are Born. Mccain Was Born On A Military Base In Panama. Hillary Was Born Outside Chicago, And If You Believe The Media, Barack Obama Was Born In A Manger.

Trending Author

Miguel De Icaza

Helen Hunt Jackson

Category