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The Longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, Found Guilty Just A Few Hours Ago On All Charges In His Corruption Trial. Do You Know This Story? He Failed To Report He Had Some Work Done On His House. Yeah, Here's The Bad Part. You Know Who Did The Work? Joe The Plumber. Unlicensed.

-Jay Leno

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The Longest-serving Republican Senator,

Jay Leno

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The Longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, Found Guilty Just A Few Hours Ago On All Charges In His Corruption Trial. Do You Know This Story? He Failed To Report He Had Some Work Done On His House. Yeah, Here's The Bad Part. You Know Who Did The Work? Joe The Plumber. Unlicensed.

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Changing The Story Until You Believe It.

Show Business Is Like Champagne. You'll Appreciate It More If You Don't Drink It Everyday

Scientists Believe That Monkeys Can Be Taught To Think, Lie And Even Play Politics Within Their Community. If We Can Just Teach Them To Cheat On Their Wives We Can Save Millions On Congressional Salaries.

I Don’t Like Goodbyes, Nbc Does.

Us Officials Have Now Approved The First Anti-obesity Drug For Dogs. I'm No A Veterinarian, But If Your Dog Is Over Eating, Try Putting A Little Less Food In The Bowl. Do We Really Need To Give Him A Pill? Is The Dog Taking Your Car Keys And Driving To Mcdonalds?

Enron Is Now Officially Out Of The Energy Business. They Are Now In A New Business: Confetti.

On 'meet The Press' Yesterday President Bush Was Asked What He Would Do If He Lost The Election And Bush Said, ''phhh, You Mean Like Last Time?'

According To Today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis Now Gets Negative Job Ratings From White People, Black People, Latinos, Republicans, Independents And Even Democrats. Say What You Want About The Guy But He's A Uniter!

Well, There's A Bright Side To This For Ken Lay. You Know, Throughout The Years Ken Lay Has Been A Big Campaign Contributor To The Republican Party. So Now, He'll Be Able To Meet With Those Same People When He Goes To Prison.

John Kerry Announced That He And His Wife Are Leaving On A Week-long Vacation. He's Going To Take Her Back To The Place Where He First Proposed To Her - At Her Bank.

I Think Donald Trump And Jeb Bush Are The Frontrunners. It's Kind Of Like The Race Between The Tortoise And The Bad Hair.

John Kerry Is Recovering Nicely After Having Prostate Surgery. But The Doctors Did Tell Him It Would Be Several Months Before He Could Be Sexually Active Again. All The Other Democratic Candidates Have Been Very Supportive. Joe Lieberman Called To Wish Him The Best. The Rev. Al Sharpton Called To Offer Prayers. Former President Bill Clinton Called Mrs. Kerry And Asked If She Was Lonely.

Saddam Hussein Is Dead, And Osama Bin Laden Is Dead. If You’re Moammar Gadhafi, Living In Exile Is Starting To Sound Really Good.

Osama Bin Laden

The Healthcare Reform Bill Now Includes A Tanning Booth Tax Of 10 Percent. You Know What This Means? This Whole Thing Could Be Funded By The Cast Of 'jersey Shore.'

Healthcare Reform

Al Gore Is Coming Out With A Movie About Global Warming Called ' An Inconvenient Truth. ' It's Described As A Detailed Scientific View Of Global Warming. President Bush Said He Just Saw A Film About Global Warming, 'ice Age 2; The Meltdown.' He Said, 'it's So Much Better Than That Boring Al Gore Movie.'

I'm Sure You Know By Now, Jesse Jackson Was Overheard Saying, And I'll Put This More Delicately, That He Wanted To Cut Barack Obama's Testicles Off. And Jesse Has Been On Several News Programs The Last Couple Of Days, Explaining What He Meant By Those Comments. Do You Need To Explain That?

A German Psychologist Says That Women Talk More Than Men Because They Have A Bigger Vocabulary. But, It Evens Out Because Men Only Listen Half The Time.

President Bush Is Now Focusing On Jobs. I Think The One Job He's Focusing Most On Is His Own. The White House Is Now Backtracking From Its Prediction That 2.6 Million New Jobs Will Be Created In The U.s. This Year. They Say They Were Off By Roughly 2.6 Million Jobs.

John Kerry Described His Republican Critics As 'the Most Crooked, Lying Group I've Ever Seen.' Now, That's Saying Something, Because Kerry's Both A Lawyer And A Politician.

President Bush Demanded That Kerry Apologize. Can You Imagine That -- Bush Demanding An Apology For Someone Stumbling Over His Words? ... Kerry Should Have Tried The Bush Strategy: Say So Many Stupid Things, No One Cares Anymore.

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger Made Another Major Announcement. He Said His Lieutenant Governor Will Be Xena, Warrior Princess.

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