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Last Night, John Mccain Said That Under The Democratic Health Care Plan, A Bureaucrat Would Stand Between You And Your Doctor, As Opposed To The Republican Health Care Plan, Where An Accountant Would Stand Between You And Your Health Care.

-Jay Leno

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Last Night, John Mccain

Jay Leno

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Last Night, John Mccain Said That Under The Democratic Health Care Plan, A Bureaucrat Would Stand Between You And Your Doctor, As Opposed To The Republican Health Care Plan, Where An Accountant Would Stand Between You And Your Health Care.

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(the Weakest Link) Is Fascinating Program. They Ask A Bunch Of People Questions And They Keep Getting Rid Of The Dumbest Person, So Just The Smartest Person Is Left. It Is Kind Of The Opposite Way We Elect A President.

They Determined Who Got The First Question By A Coin Toss, To Which Sarah Palin Said, 'oh, What A Coincidence, That's How I Got Picked.'

According To Usa Today, 74 Percent Of Americans Plan To Hand Out Candy This Halloween. Although President Obama Thinks It Should Be Just The Top 1 Percent.

Today, One Year After Their Divorce, Pamela And Tommy Lee Announced They're Getting Back Together. You Know What That Means? There's Still Hope For Ike And Tina Turner.

There's A New Osama Bin Laden Video. He's The Only Person That Is Looking Thin During The Holidays. How Does He Do It? I Think He's Going To Jenny Craig.

In South Korea, A Scientist Considered To Be One Of The Pioneers In The Field Of Cloning Has Been Sentenced To Two Years In Prison. At Least, They Think It's Him.

As You Know, Today Was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day Here In Los Angeles. No, All Across The Nation They Had A Day Without Immigrants, Is What They Call It. Or, As Native Americans Call It, The Good Ol' Days.

Native American

A Survey Says That American Workers Work The First Three Hours Every Day Just To Pay Their Taxes. So That's Why We Can't Get Anything Done In The Morning: We're Government Workers.

Republicans Are Always Criticizing President Obama For Using The Teleprompter. Is That A Big Deal? After Eight Years Of George Bush, I'm Glad We Have A President That Can Read.

We've Got The Government Shutdown, But The Beginning Of Obamacare. You Know What That Means? You Can Now Complain To Your Doctor About The Government Making You Sick.

And Some Sad News... The First Lesbian Couple To Legally Get Married In The State Of Massachusetts Has Split Up. They Cited Irreconcilable Similarities.

A Lot Of American Companies Are Now Moving Into Iraq. Iraq Now Has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell And Popeye's Fried Chicken. So, Great, Instead Of Oil For Food, We're Giving Them Oil In Food.

President Obama Is Coming Under Criticism Now For Not Meeting With His Jobs Council. He Hasn't Met With His Jobs Council In Over Six Months. You Know The Reason Obama Hasn't Met With His Job Council In Six Months? They're All Out Looking For Jobs.

Have You Seen The Cover Of Newsweek? They Have Martha Stewart On The Cover, But It's Not Actually Martha. It's A Doctored Photo. They Put Martha's Head On A Slimmer Woman's Body. And Martha Was Very Upset About This. She Said, 'hey, If I Wanted My Face On Another Woman's Body, I'd Stay In Prison.'

Kerry Is Well On His Way To Reaching His Magic Number Of 2,162. That's The Total Number Of Delegates He Needs To Win The Democratic Nomination. See For President Bush It's Different - His Magic Number Is 5. That's The Number Of Supreme Court Judges Needed To Win.

The Nfl Draft Is Going To Be This Thursday. That's A Huge Night For College Players. That's The Night They Start Being Paid Over The Table.

Sarah Palin Has Admitted She Tried Marijuana Several Years Ago, But She Did Not Like It. She Said It Distorted Her Perceptions, Impaired Her Thinking, And She's Hoping That The Effects Will Eventually Wear Off.

The Fbi Is Urging All Americans To Beware Of Any Letters Or Packages That Have Badly Misspelled Words. Man, This Is Going To Be Terrible News For The Rap Industry.

Well, President-elect Barack Obama And His Family Are Gonna Spend The Holidays In His Home State Of Hawaii. And You Know Who Couldn't Be More Thrilled With This? The Press, The Reporters Who Follow The President. Well, Think About It. After Eight Years Of Spending Every Holiday Cutting Brush In Crawford, Texas, They Get To Go To Hawaii!

President-elect Barack Obama Is Starting To Get An Idea Of Just How Hard His New Job Is Going To Be. Today, He Said He Wanted To Bring A Sense Of Accountability To Washington. I Think They Realized Actual Accountability, Never Going To Happen.

Now This Really Annoys Me: All These People Getting On The Internet And Saying Nostradamus Predicted This. If Nostradamus Were Alive Today His Name Would Be Miss Cleo And He'd Be Charging $2.99 A Minute.

The Flinstones Wore Furs, They Ate Red Meat, And Had A Stoneage Philosophy. In Fact, They Were The First Republicans.

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Hillary Clinton Is Getting A Little Bit Of Controversy Because She Has The Most Expensive Hometown Office Rent - Over $500,000 A Year. She's In A One-year Lease In The Office, As Opposed To Her Marriage, Which Is On A Month-to-month.

Disneyland Celebrated Its 40th Anniversary By Burying A Time Capsule. They Say It Will Be Dug Up In 50 Years - Or When The Last Person In Line At Space Mountain Gets To The Front, Whichever Comes First.

Political Analysts Say That President Bush's Re-election Strategy Is To Try And Convince Americans That He's A War President. I Don't Get That, Do You Think That'll Work? I Mean, Don't You Think That If He Tries To Convince The American People That We Need A War President, Isn't He Afraid That They're Going To Vote For The Guy That Was Actually In A War?

Today, You Get Better Performance From A Ford Focus Than A Ferrari From The Mid-70s. [the Focus] Is Just As Fast And With Better Fuel Economy. It's Fun To See Supercar Technology Trickle Down To Everyday Cars.

If I Could Ask Ken Lay One Question Right Now, Do You Know What It Would Be? "does The Devil Really Wear Prada?"

John Kerry Has Apologized For Saying Those Who Do Not Study Hard And Do Their Homework Will Get Stuck In Iraq. Now, Those That Do Not Campaign Well And Are Boring Will End Up Stuck In The Senate.

Johnny Walker, The American That Fought For The Taliban, Is Now Talking With An Arabic Accent. Have You Heard Him? It's Ridiculous. I Know How We Should Handle Him. Let's Bring Him Back Here And Take Him To Cleveland Browns Stadium And Dress Him Up As A Referee. They'll Know How To Take Care Of Him!

Did You Hear That We're Writing Iraq's New Constitution? Why Not Just Give Them Ours? We're Not Using It Anymore.

They Were Going Crazy In Kansas. People Were Up To 9 P.m. I Think That Was The Greatest Thing To Happen To Kansas Since The Eradication Of The Boll Weevil.

Barack Obama Now Says He Is Open To Offshore Oil Drilling. So, Apparently, When He Promised Change, He Was Talking About His Mind.

Yesterday President Obama Said, 'we Can't Continue To Treat Tax Money Like Monopoly Money.' Oh Really - How Come All Those Guys On Wall Street Got 'get Out Of Jail Free' Cards?

Your Preoccupation Should Be On Doing What You Do As Well As You Can.

Us Officials Have Now Approved The First Anti-obesity Drug For Dogs. I'm No A Veterinarian, But If Your Dog Is Over Eating, Try Putting A Little Less Food In The Bowl. Do We Really Need To Give Him A Pill? Is The Dog Taking Your Car Keys And Driving To Mcdonalds?

Congratulations To President Obama On Being Reelected President Of The United States. Turns Out It Is Not All Bad News For The Republicans. It Seems That Depression Is Covered By Obamacare.

Congratulations

It's Always Bad News When You Kill Your Date

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The Kinsey Institute Says Gay Men Have Bigger Sex Organs. Hence The Origin Of Gay Pride.

San Francisco Hosted The First Medical Marijuana Job Fair. The Keynote Speech Was Titled, 'jobs And How To Avoid Getting One.'

The Senate Is Now Considering Increasing Government Subsidies For Corn Growers To Produce More Ethanol. If We Produce Enough Ethanol We Can Postpone Our Next Invasion Of A Middle Eastern Country For Two To Three Years.

Some Sad News, President Bush's Lapdog Passed Away. Gee, I Didn't Even Know Tony Blair Was Sick?

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Anthony Weiner And His Wife, Huma, Have Given Birth To A Baby Boy. He Posted A Photo Of The New Baby On Twitter, But People Are Afraid To Open It.

When We Finally Have This Recall Election In October, There Could Be As Many As 200 People On The Ballot. And You Know What's Really Scary? Most Of Them Don't Know The First Thing About Driving A State Into Bankruptcy. They're Not Experts Like Governor Gray Davis.

According To A New Geographic Literacy Study 4 Out Of 10 American Students Couldn't Find Iraq On A Map. However 10 Out Of 10 Mexicans Could Find The U.s. Without A Map.

Kerry Was Here In Los Angeles. He Was Courting The Spanish Vote By Speaking Spanish. And He Showed People He Could Be Boring In Two Languages.

Speaking Spanish

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Blaming Man For Global Warming. And Today, Al Gore Agreed With Him. That's So Typical. Two Cyborgs, 'oh, Let's Blame The Humans.'

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Today The United States Has Admitted That After Months And Months Of Searching, We Still Have No Idea Where Osama Bin Laden Is. Osama Bin Laden? We Can't Even Find Kenneth Lay.

John Kerry Described His Republican Critics As 'the Most Crooked, Lying Group I've Ever Seen.' Now, That's Saying Something, Because Kerry's Both A Lawyer And A Politician.

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Rick Perry Has Made So Many Gaffes Lately, It Is Hard To Tell If He's Running Against President Obama Or Joe Biden.

Last Night, John Mccain Said That Under The Democratic Health Care Plan, A Bureaucrat Would Stand Between You And Your Doctor, As Opposed To The Republican Health Care Plan, Where An Accountant Would Stand Between You And Your Health Care.

According To Government Auditors, The Stimulus Money Is Being Held Up Because There Aren't Enough Government Workers To Oversee The Spending. So Follow Me, In Other Words, Government Workers Who Aren't There Are Needed To Spend Money We Don't Have To Create Jobs That Don't Exist.

Pundits Are Saying That President Obama Is Starting To Lose Support Among His Own Party. To Give You An Idea Of How Bad It's Gotten, Today Jimmy Carter Compared Him To Jimmy Carter.

Soup Is Just A Way Of Screwing You Out Of A Meal.

The Difference Between Men And Women Is That Men Love The 3 Stooges, And Women Think They're Assholes.

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Texas Governor Rick Perry Said God Is Calling On Him To Run For President. But Michele Bachmann Said That God Is Calling On Her To Run For President. You Know, If God Is That Indecisive, He's Probably For Mitt Romney!

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A Historic Operation Occurred Over In Boston. Doctors Successfully Transplanted Tissue From A Pig's Brain To A Man's Brain -- And The Man's Brain Did Not Reject It. That Pretty Much Confirms What Women Have Been Saying About Men.

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The Big Rumor Going Around Is, We May Begin Bombing Iraq. Or, As The White House Calls It, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page.

I Had A Dog That Was So Lazy, He Had A Prerecorded Bark.

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If God Doesn't Destroy Hollywood Boulevard, He Owes Sodom And Gomorrah An Apology.

Obama Called On Americans To Have More Grandchildren. Probably So There's More Of Them To Pay Off Our Debt.

When President Chirac Gave [president] Bush A Souvenir Statue Of The Eiffel Tower... Bush Said 'this Is Great! A Little Oil Rig!'

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Happiness Is A Privilege.

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I'm Going To Be Going To A Secluded Spot Where No One Can Find Me - Nbc Prime Time.

Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra Has Charged The Bush Administration With Keeping Programs Secret From Congress. Somehow No One From Congress Reads The New York Times, I Guess.

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Funny Inspirational

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Bin Laden Was Once Targeted By President Clinton. President Clinton Wanted To Kill Him But Couldn't Get Him. Of Course Not, We All Know What Kind Of Aim Clinton Has.

Senator John Kerry Released His Plan Today To Eliminate The Deficit. He Said All We Have To Do Is Find A Really Rich Country Like Switzerland And Marry It.

Enron Is Now Officially Out Of The Energy Business. They Are Now In A New Business: Confetti.

When You Work With Your Hands, You Learn To Appreciate How Easy It Is To Earn Money Talking.

President Obama Flew To A Rally In Las Vegas Last Night. However, He Did Not Visit Any Of The Casinos. You Know Why? When You're $16 Trillion In Debt, They Don't Let You In.

Osama Bin Laden Has Hired 10 Look-alikes. Now, How Hard Up Do You Have To Be Before You Take That Job? There's No Way To Win! If Osama Dies, You Don't Get Paid. If You're Found, You Get Killed.

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There's All This Talk About Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, You Know Where He Is Now? Visiting Mexico, Which I Think Means That He Is Definitely Going To Run For Governor. Arnold Is Smart. He's In Mexico Campaigning With The Very People Who'll Be Living Here By Election Time.

We Are In A Code Orange. Homeland Security Said Earlier Today That Everyone Should Have A Roll Of Duct Tape And Plastic Sheeting To Protect Your House In Event Of Terrorist Attacks. Who Came Up With This Idea? Macgyver?

Some Members Of Congress Now Are Complaining They Are Underpaid. They Want To Propose A Pay Raise. You Can't Blame Them. A Lot Of Them Took A Big Income Hit When Enron Folded.

The Stock Market Was Down Today. Two Major Businesses Declared Bankruptcy, Consumer Spending Is At An All Time Low - In Other Words, Bush Is Back On The Job.

Today Is Valentine's Day - Or, As Men Like To Call It, Extortion Day!

Over In Iraq After You Vote They Paint Your Finger Purple So You Can't Vote Again. It's A Flawless System. It Works Perfectly Unless, Of Course, Someone Has Paint Remover.

A New Medical Study Reports That Men Who Eat Ten Pizzas A Week Are Less Likely To Develop Prostate Problems At Age 50. That's Because They Are Usually Dead By Age 40.

I Didn't Realize It Was October Until I Saw The Chicago Cubs Choking.

President Obama Has Announced A Task Force To Review The Tax Codes. He's Concerned There Are Too Many Loopholes And Too Many People Manipulating The System To Avoid Paying Taxes. And That's Just In His Administration.

As They Do Every Year, Al-qaida Has Threatened To Disrupt And Ruin Christmas. You Know, We Already Have A Group That Disrupts And Ruins Christmas Every Year. They're Called Relatives.

You Know What Arnold Schwarzenegger And Meg Whitman Have In Common? They Both Got In Trouble For Stiffing The Maid.

When You Fix Something With Your Hands It Gives You A Sense Of Accomplishment And A Sense Of Self Worth.

Comedy Is The Only Profession Where Love From A Stranger Is Better Than Love From A Family Member. You Need To Perform For Strangers To See If You're Really Funny. If They Laugh And Cheer, It's The Greatest Thing In The World.

The Bush Administration Said Today There Is A Lot Of Support For Us To Attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, They're All Lining Up.

George W. Bush Loves Golf Because It's Like The Election--low Score Wins.

President Bush Said That Our Kids Must Be Taught How To Read. He Said If His Aides Never Learned To Read, They'd Never Be Able To Tell Him What's In The Newspapers Every Day.

According To A Recent Survey, Men Say The First Thing They Notice About Women Is Their Eyes. And Women Say The First Thing They Notice About Men Is They're A Bunch Of Liars.

Funny Relationship

Ratings For The Xfl Are So Low That Pretty Soon They'll Be Able To Address The Viewers By Name.

Nancy Pelosi Said That When It Comes To Cleaning Up Government, The Democrats Have Drained The Swamp. The Only Problem With That Is What's Left After You Drain The Swamp: Snakes Everywhere.

You Know Who Boehner Is, Right? He's That Orange Looking Guy. See, For Republicans That Counts As Diversity.

The Other Day The Plane That Barack Obama Was On Had Some Mechanical Difficulties And Was Forced To Land. Well, The National Transportation Safety Board Did An Inspection On The Plane, And You Know What They Found? The Bolts On The Plane Were Fine, But Apparently Jesse Jackson Had Taken Some Of The Nuts Off.

A New Study Shows That American Students Are Becoming Less Proficient In Science, And If The Trend Continues, We Will Become A Nation That's Science And Chemistry Illiterate. And You Thought A Lot Of Meth Labs Are Blowing Up Now?

Hillary Clinton's Opponent In The U.s. Senate Race, The Republican She's Going To Be Running Against, Has Been Married Three Times, Had An Affair With His Chief Of Staff, Had Two Kids With Her While Still Married To His Second Wife. This Is The First Time In History That A Clinton Is The 'family Values' Candidate.

A Pakistan Businessman Is Claiming That John Walker Lindh Is Gay And That He Was His Lover. Say What You Will About Lindh, But When This Guy Goes To Play For The Other Team - He Goes All The Way ... So Lindh May Be Both A Terrorist And A Gay Man. That May Be John Ashcroft's Worst Nightmare.

Did You See Those Iraqis Making That Pilgrimage Slashing Their Foreheads With Knives And Whipping Their Backs With Chains. See, When Saddam Hussein Was Around They Weren't Allowed To Make That Pilgrimage. If They Tried That With Saddam Hussein, He Would Have Slashed Their Foreheads With Knives And Whipped Their Backs With Chains.

Ashcroft Went On To Say That Our Way Of Life Is Being Threatened By A Group Of Radical Religious Fanatics Who Are Armed And Dangerous. And Then He Called For Prayers In The Schools And An End To Gun Control.

Mcdonald's Announced That It's Considering A More Humane Way Of Slaughtering Its Animals. You Know They Fatten Them Up And Then Kill Them. You Know The Same Thing They Do To Their Customers, Isn't It?

Border Agents Have Now Been Issued Air Guns That Shoot Pepper Balls At People Coming Across The Mexican Border. Have They Thought This Through? Is That Going To Bother People From Mexico? Pepper Balls? Don't These People Eat Jalapenos? Isn't That Like Firing Meatballs At An Italian Guy?

The Boston Globe Is Reporting That Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry Used To Date Actress Morgan Fairchild But It Didn't Work Out. Apparently She Couldn't Handle Dating Someone With Bigger Hair Then She Had.

President Clinton And President Obama Played A Round Of Golf Over The Weekend. President Clinton Asked Obama What His Handicap Was, And Obama Said, 'joe Biden.'

The Taliban Has Asked Osama Bin Laden To Voluntarily Leave The Country.they Said They Delivered Him A Note Asking Him To Leave, Which Is A Pretty Goodtrick Considering They Claim They Don't Even Know Where He Is.

Osama Bin Laden

Michele Bachmann Said That If She Is Elected President, She Would Consider Eliminating The Department Of Education Because "the States Could Do A Gooder Job.

It Happened Again This Week. Hundreds Of People Had To Be Evacuated From O'hare Airport In Chicago. Seems Every Time Somebody Went Through With A Weapon, The Metal Detectors Accidentally Went Off.

Mitt Romney Has A New Fundraising Gimmick. If You Donate $3 Or More To His Campaign, Your Name Will Be Entered Into A Drawing To Win A Dinner With Mitt Romney And Donald Trump. If You Donate More Than $10, You Get To Sit At A Different Table.

President Bush Spoke With The Amish. He Didn't Want To, But It Was The Only Group He Could Find That Wasn't Upset About The High Price Of Gas.

Everyone Is So Concerned Now Where All Of The Candidates Are Born. Mccain Was Born On A Military Base In Panama. Hillary Was Born Outside Chicago, And If You Believe The Media, Barack Obama Was Born In A Manger.

Real Movement In The Kerry Campaign Now. His Poll Numbers Are Moving, Donations Are Moving, Endorsements Are Moving. The Only Thing Not Moving Is His Hair.

President Bush Announced A Major New Plan For The United States To Put A Man On The Moon, Which Would Be A Really Big Story If This Were 1962. Bush Said He Didn't Remember Anything About The 60's - I Guess He Wasn't Lying.

In An Interview With Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, Who Is Running For President, Said That When He Voted For The War In Iraq, He Didn't Expect President Bush To 'f--- It Up As Badly As He Did.' Here's Some Breaking News, Tomorrow Former Vice President Al Gore Expected To Endorse Howard Dean As The Democratic Nominee For President Of The United States - And You Thought John Kerry Was Using Four Letter Words Before! Actually, To John Kerry, Dean Is A Four Letter Word.

President Obama Was In Disney World Today Where He Unveiled His New Plan To Create Jobs. He Was Joined By Mickey Mouse And Minnie Mouse But Not Goofy. He Had To Stay Behind To Tend To His Vice Presidential Duties.

Well, The Big Story -- Hillary Clinton Will Be Running For President In 2008. You Know Why I Think She's Running? I Think She Finally Wants To See What It's Like To Sleep In The President's Bed.

Colin Farrel Was Recently Asked About Prostitutes And He Said, It's Like Ordering A Pizza. Really? What Restaurant Is He Going To? All I Ever Get Is A Pizza... I Guess In Some Ways It Is - When It's Delivered, It's Never Quite As Hot As You Hoped It Would Be.

In The Enron Scandal, Whistleblower Sherron Watkins Is Now Calling Herself Enron Brokovitch. She Testified Ken Lay Was Duped By The Other Executives. Oh, Yeah. When Is The Last Time You Got Duped And Made $100 Million?

Ex-convicts Prepared The Eggs For The White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s Nice To See The White House Reaching Out To Former Members Of Congress.

You Know What's Sad About This? Not The Gambling, But The Best Way To Reach College Athletes Is The Cartoon Network.

I Guess You Heard, Hillary Clinton Has A New Campaign Slogan: "i've Fallen And I Can't Get Up!"

Here's An Interesting Figure: 43 Percent Of The Incoming Congressional Freshmen Are Millionaires. The Other 57 Percent Are Democrats.

President Bush Spent The Day Calling Names He Couldn't Pronounce In Countries He Never Knew Existed.

I Saw Something Stupid In The Paper Today - A New Alarm Clock That Makes No Noise. It's For People Who Don't Like Loud Noises. Instead, It Slowly Hits You With Light And Gets Brighter And Brighter Until You Wake Up. I Already Have One Of Those... It's Called A Window.

The New York Times Is Reporting That Back In The '60s, Presidential Candidate Howard Dean Used A Letter From A Doctor About A Back Condition To Keep Himself Out Of The Draft In Vietnam And Then Spent 10 Months Skiing. Well It Sounds Like He's Done The Impossible. He Actually Made Bill Clinton And George Bush Look Like War Heroes.

Is It Me Or Is Bush Going Everywhere Kerry Goes? So Far In The Past Week, President Bush Has Followed John Kerry To Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; And He Follows Him To Portland, Oregon. The Only Place He Never Followed John Kerry Was Vietnam.

Portland Oregon

Nike Actually Has A Pair Of Shoes Called Air-turbulence. Try Getting Past Airline Security Wearing Those. Might As Well Call Them Air-osama.

President Bush Fell Off His Mountain Bike Down On His Ranch In Texas. A Couple Weeks Ago, John Kerry Fell Off His Bicycle. See, Doesn't This Make You Miss President Clinton? That Guy, He Could Ride Anything Without Falling Off.

The Good News Is, President Obama Was Born In America. The Bad News Is, So Was Donald Trump.

John Kerry Announced That He And His Wife Are Leaving On A Week-long Vacation. He's Going To Take Her Back To The Place Where He First Proposed To Her - At Her Bank.

Rick Perry Unveiled His New Tax Plan. He Says He Wants A Flat Tax. He Believes That Tax Should Be Flat, Just Like The Earth.

This Is A Strange Country We Live In. When It Comes To Electing A President, We Get Two Choices. But When We Have To Select A Miss America, We Get 50.

I Love All These Politicians, They All Say The Same Thing - 'we'll Give California Back To The People.' Yeah, Great, Now That It's Not Worth Anything, They Want To Give It Back To Us.

When Clinton Said He Was Going To Create 8 Million New Jobs, I Didn't Think They Were All Going To Be Tax Collectors.

The Supreme Court Has Ruled That Anybody Can Be Strip-searched For Any Kind Of Arrest. That's Something To Think About The Next Time You Bring 12 Items Into A 10-item-or-less Lane.

President Obama’s Approval Ratings Are So Low Now, Kenyans Are Accusing Him Of Being Born In The United States.

Approval Rating

There Is A Penalty For Trying To Knock Down A Cockpit Door, But It's The People Who Try To Go From Coach To 1st Class They Really Beat Up.

The Crime Problem In New York Is Getting Really Serious. The Other Day The Statue Of Liberty Had Both Hands Up.

Bp Ceo Tony Hayward Said He Would Just Like To Get His Life Back. He Wants To Get His Life Back. You Know, I Say Give Him Life Plus 20.

Researchers At Harvard Say That Taking A Power Nap For An Hour In The Afternoon Can Totally Refresh You. They Say That By The Time You Wake Up You'll Feel So Good, You'll Be Able To Start Looking For A New Job.

Do You Know What White House Correspondents Call Actors Who Pose As Reporters? Anchors.

9% Would Give Up Sex For The Remote Control. 91% Has Already Given Up Sex For The Remote Control!

House Speaker John Boehner Says President Obama Should Have Clearly Outlined His Exact Plans Before Bombing Libya. Apparently It's Only Iraq Where You Don't Have To Do That.

Presidential Democratic Front-runner Howard Dean Admitted To Chris Matthews On The 'hardball' Show That He Got Out Of The Draft Because Of A Bad Back. He Had A Curvature Of The Spine. Apparently It Curved Too Far To The Left.

The Republican Debate Got Pretty Heated. They Spent Most Of Their Time Arguing Over Who God Called First.

Cnn Said That After The War, There Is A Plan To Divide Iraq Into Three Parts: Regular, Premium And Unleaded.

Today The Secretary Of State Said That Of The 247 Candidates, So Far 115 Of Them Have Been Certified. How Embarrassing Is That? Imagine If You Were Turned Down Because You Didn't Meet The High Standards Set By Larry Flynt And Gallagher.

The White House Approved An Exemption In Obamacare Coverage For Congress And Members Of Their Staff. Members Complained That The Affordable Care Act Will Cost Them Thousands Extra A Year In Premiums. Wait A Minute. It's Their Bill. If It's Too Expensive, Why Did They Name It The Affordable Care Act?

Changing The Story Until You Believe It.

So, It's Pretty Crazy. Look, We're Bailing Out Wall Street, We're Bailing Out Banks, We're Bailing Out Car Companies. In Fact, Did You Know There's A Special Box On Your Tax Form This Year You Can Check If You Want A Portion Of Your Taxes To Actually Go To Running The Government?

The White House Is Now Urging Americans Not To 'read Too Much' Into Last Week's Jobs Report. In Fact, They Said It Would Be Best If You Didn't Read It At All.

You Know, It Shows How Old I Am. I Can Remember The Good Old Days When The President Picked The Supreme Court Justices Instead Of The Other Way Around.

Over 6 Million People Were Evacuated From New Jersey Ahead Of The Hurricane. And Now, Three Of Them Have Gone Back.

I Looked Up The Word Politics In The Dictionary, And It's Actually A Combination Of Two Words: Poli, Which Means 'many,' And Tics, Which Means 'bloodsuckers.'

There's This Huge Controversy Over The Fact That President Bush Apparently Received Credit For National Guard Service In Alabama In '72 And '73 Even Though His Commanding Officers Are Saying He Never Reported. I Think What's Even More Disturbing Is That He Received Enough Credits To Graduate From Yale.

The Lead Story On Msnbc Was The News That There Was Nothing New To Report In The Gary Condit Story. So Remember When There Is Nothing New To Report, Msnbc Will Be The Station Not To Report It First.

If You're A Car Salesman, And Someone Says "this Is A Terrible Car, I'm Not Buying It," It Doesn't Mean They Hate You. They Just Don't Like Your Product. I Think That's A Mistake A Lot Of People In Show Business Make.. They're So Tied To Their Act They Take Everything Personally.

Clinton Vetoed The Repeal Of The Marriage Tax. I Guess Bill Figures If He's Married, Then We All Have To Suffer.

We Pick Politicians By How They Look On Tv And Miss America On Where She Stands On The Issues. Isn't That A Little Backwards?

I Understand The Chairman Of The Senate Ethics Comittee Is Going To Examine The Check-bouncing Scandal With A Microscope. ...makes Sense... If You're Going To Look At Ethics In Congress, A Microscope Is What You Need.

Major League Baseball Has Asked Its Players To Stop Tossing Baseballs Into The Stands During Games, Because They Say Fans Fight Over Them And They Get Hurt. In Fact, The Florida Marlins Said That's Why They Never Hit Any Home Runs. It's A Safety Issue.

At The Sharper Image Store, I Saw A Body Fat Analyzer. Didn't That Used To Be Called A Mirror?

The Entire Spring And Summer Line From Marc Jacobs Was Stolen On The Way To The Fashion Show In Paris. The Thief Is Considered Armed And Fabulous.

Scientists Say They Have Developed A Car That Can Run On Water. The Only Catch Is, The Water Has To Come From The Gulf Of Mexico.

The Economy Is So Bad That Bedbugs Are Now Infesting Sleeping Bags And Tents, Because They Can't Afford To Stay In Hotels Anymore.

President Obama's Re-election Campaign Said That This Year They'll Knock On 150 Percent More Doors Than They Did In 2008. Well, Of Course They Will. They Have To. There's So Many Foreclosures It's Tough To Tell Where People Live.

You Know What The Bounty Is On Bin Laden? $25 Million. It Sounds Like A Lot Until You Realize The Texas Rangers Paid $250 Million To Get Alex Rodriguez.

Barack Obama Said Yesterday That The Economy Was 'going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better.' See, That's When You Know The Campaign Is Really Over. Remember Before The Election? 'the Audacity Of Hope!' 'yes, We Can!' 'a Change We Can Believe In!' Now It's, 'we're All Screwed.'

According To The Mayans, The World Is Supposed To End In The Year 2012. Are You Buying That? When's The Last Time You Even Ran Into A Mayan?

Climate Experts Say We Should Tell Villagers In Developing Countries To Reduce The Amount Of Cooking Smoke They Generate To Help Fix Global Warming. You Know, It's As If These People Don't Hate Us Enough Already. I Mean, They Live In Mud Huts, They Have Thatch Roofs, Their Clothes Are Made Of Straw. We Pull Up In A Bunch Of Humvees And Suvs Going, 'hey, You Want To Cut The Smoke Out Of Here?'

It Really Kind Of Looks Like Now That John Kerry Is On His Way To The Presidential Nomination. The Only Thing That Can Sink John Kerry Now Is An Al Gore Endorsement.

Last Night, We Had The First Gubernatorial Debate. Some People Are Criticizing Schwarzenegger For Not Going. They Say Arnold Goes Around Telling People He Cares, Everything Is Going To Be Great, Forget About Everything He Did In The '70s. Hey, It Worked For George Bush.

You Know Who Must Be Very Secure In Their Masculinity? Male Ladybugs.

It Seemed That After He Was Killed, Gadhafi's Body Was Stored At A Commercial Freezer At A Shopping Mall. It's One Thing To Hunt A Guy Down And Shoot Him Twice In The Head, But Then To Drag Him To The Mall? Come On, Guys Hate That.

A Man In Florida Has Been Arrested For Wearing A President Obama Mask While Robbing A Mcdonald's. To Show You How Good This Guy's Disguise Was, Instead Of A Holdup Note He Was Reading From A Teleprompter.

Michele Bachmann Told Reporters That She Will Lead The Nation In Prayer If She Is Elected President. You Know If She Is Elected President, We All Better Be Praying. She Doesn't Have To Lead Us.

But The Good News, The Crime Rate Is Down. Isn't That Amazing? Less Banks Are Being Robbed. Well, Sure. A, There's Less Banks. B, The Banks Don't Have Any Money Left. And C, Nobody's Got Gas Money For The Getaway Car. So, Right There, Crime Is Down!

What's The Difference Between Lindsay Lohan And Rick Perry? It Only Takes Lindsay Four And A Half Hours To Finish A Sentence.

The Other Night, President Bush's Press Conference Was Pre-empted By 'american Idol.' You Know The Difference Between President Bush And 'american Idol?' See, On 'american Idol,' The One With The Most Votes Wins.

Well, It Looks Like We've Moved A Step Closer To War. Not With Iraq. With France And Germany. How Did We Screw That One Up?

"this Is Now The Twelfth Day Of Rioting In France. They Have Been Rioting For Almost Two Weeks. And France Has Still Not Surrendered. That's Like A Record.

Donald Trump Says He’s President Obama’s Worst Nightmare. That’s Not True. Having To Make A Decision Is Obama’s Worst Nightmare.

Worst Nightmares

The Democratic Convention Is $27 Million In Debt. They Had To Cancel The Kick-off Event At The Charlotte Motor Speedway. A Speedway Is The Perfect Place For The Democratic Convention. You Go Around In Circles, Turn Left Every Few Seconds, And You End Up Right Where You Started.

It Seems The Journal Of Neurology Reports That The Longer You Smoke, The Less Likely You Are To Develop Parkinson's Disease. So What Are They Telling Us? Follow Me Guys. Remember, A Couple Of Months Ago, Doctors Said Drinking A Glass Of Alcohol Every Day Was Good For Your Heart. Smoking Prevents Parkinson's Disease. Marijuana Is Good For Glaucoma. Sex Is Good For Your Prostate. You Know, Screw Health Care. Let's Party!

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