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In An Interview With Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, Who Is Running For President, Said That When He Voted For The War In Iraq, He Didn't Expect President Bush To 'f--- It Up As Badly As He Did.' Here's Some Breaking News, Tomorrow Former Vice President Al Gore Expected To Endorse Howard Dean As The Democratic Nominee For President Of The United States - And You Thought John Kerry Was Using Four Letter Words Before! Actually, To John Kerry, Dean Is A Four Letter Word.

-Jay Leno

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In An Interview With

Jay Leno

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In An Interview With Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, Who Is Running For President, Said That When He Voted For The War In Iraq, He Didn't Expect President Bush To 'f--- It Up As Badly As He Did.' Here's Some Breaking News, Tomorrow Former Vice President Al Gore Expected To Endorse Howard Dean As The Democratic Nominee For President Of The United States - And You Thought John Kerry Was Using Four Letter Words Before! Actually, To John Kerry, Dean Is A Four Letter Word.

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Congratulations

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Today Is The Day

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Osama Bin Laden

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When A Candidate Walks Away From A Reality Show, That's When You Know They're Serious About Being President Of The United States.

Disneyland Celebrated Its 40th Anniversary By Burying A Time Capsule. They Say It Will Be Dug Up In 50 Years - Or When The Last Person In Line At Space Mountain Gets To The Front, Whichever Comes First.

Osama Bin Laden Has Hired 10 Look-alikes. Now, How Hard Up Do You Have To Be Before You Take That Job? There's No Way To Win! If Osama Dies, You Don't Get Paid. If You're Found, You Get Killed.

President Bush Is Now Focusing On Jobs. I Think The One Job He's Focusing Most On Is His Own. The White House Is Now Backtracking From Its Prediction That 2.6 Million New Jobs Will Be Created In The U.s. This Year. They Say They Were Off By Roughly 2.6 Million Jobs.

It's Casual Friday, Which Means That At The White House, They're Casually Going Through Everybody's Phone Calls And Records.

While President Bush Was Out Of Town Hillary Clinton Stopped By The White House On Friday For An Important Meeting With Her Decorator.

My Favorite Halloween Candy Is The Candy Corn. It Comes In Four Colors: White, Yellow, Orange, Brown. Those Are Also The Stages Of Your Teeth Rotting After You Eat It.

Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge Raised Security Alert To A Code Red. Apparently Howard Dean Has Escaped. Did You See Dean's Crazed Speech The Other Night, Yelling? I See Why His Wife Won't Campaign With Him. In Fact, Dean Has A New Slogan: 'aaghhhh.'

According To The New York Times, More Than Half Of President Obama's Twitter Followers Are Fake. They Don't Even Exist. Which Is Actually A Good Thing Because If They Did Exist There Wouldn't Be Any Jobs For Them.

If Arnold Is Elected, You Know Who I'd Feel Sorry For? The People On Death Row. Imagine, You're About To Be Executed, The Governor Calls, You Think It's Your Reprieve, And You Hear 'hasta La Vista, Baby.'

Republicans Are Always Criticizing President Obama For Using The Teleprompter. Is That A Big Deal? After Eight Years Of George Bush, I'm Glad We Have A President That Can Read.

Barack Obama Said Yesterday That The Economy Was 'going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better.' See, That's When You Know The Campaign Is Really Over. Remember Before The Election? 'the Audacity Of Hope!' 'yes, We Can!' 'a Change We Can Believe In!' Now It's, 'we're All Screwed.'

President Obama Was In India Yesterday Visiting Our Jobs. Tomorrow He Goes To China To Visit Our Money.

How About This John Edwards Thing? Imagine That, A Personal Injury Attorney Who Turns Out To Be A Sleaze Ball. Who Could Have Seen That Coming?

President Bush Has Unveiled His First Campaign Commercial, Highlighting All Of His Accomplishes In Office. That's Why It's A 60-second Spot.

The Republicans Finally Got Some Good News Over The Weekend. The North Koreans Set Off A Nuclear Bomb. Thank God. It Was So Powerful It Knocked The Mark Foley Story Right Off The Front Page. And Knocked Him Off The Page He Was On, Too.

An Israeli Man's Life Was Saved When He Was Given A Palestinian Man's Heart In A Heart Transplant Operation. The Guy Is Doing Fine, But The Bad News Is, He Can't Stop Throwing Rocks At Himself.

The Fbi Announced Today That They Are Now Looking For Osama Bin Laden's Financial Adviser. You Think This Guy Is In Demand. How Good Can He Be? His Top Client Is Living In A Cave And Driving A Donkey. It Doesn't Sound Like He Is Getting The Best Return On His Investments To Me.

John Kerry Said Today He Wants To Debate President Bush Once A Month. Hey Good Luck, If Bush Couldn't Make It To The National Guard Once A Month, He's Not Going To Show Up For This.

Regulations Force People To Do Better.

A Survey Asked Married Women When They Most Want To Have Sex. 84 Per Cent Of Them Said Right After Their Husband Is Finished.

They Say Hot Dogs Can Kill You. How Do You Know It's Not The Bun?

President Obama Is Asking Congress To Support A Military Strike In Syria. If They Approve, It Will Be The First Time Congress Has Officially Declared War Since Obamacare.

The Catholic Church Is Still Very Angry About The Da Vinci Code - They Don't Like Anything That Makes More Money In A Weekend Than They Do.

Border Agents Have Now Been Issued Air Guns That Shoot Pepper Balls At People Coming Across The Mexican Border. Have They Thought This Through? Is That Going To Bother People From Mexico? Pepper Balls? Don't These People Eat Jalapenos? Isn't That Like Firing Meatballs At An Italian Guy?

Well, Joe Biden Has Done It Again. He Showed Up At The White House Passover Seder With A Bunch Of Ham Sandwiches.

Contact With The Customer Is What Business Is All About.

You Know What Arnold Schwarzenegger And Meg Whitman Have In Common? They Both Got In Trouble For Stiffing The Maid.

John Kerry Speaks French Fluently. Democrats Are Saying He's One In A Million. A War Hero Who Speaks French, Isn't It More Like One In A Trillion?

When They Said "make Love, Not War" At Woodstock, They Never Imagined That One Would Become As Dangerous As The Other.

Enron's President, Ken Lay, Passed Away Last Week. So, I Guess Even God Lost Money On That Enron Deal. I Believe The Official Cause Of Death Was Listed As "karma." The Family Asked In Lieu Of Flowers, Please Send Some Elderly Retiree's Entire Life Savings.

You Know What Ken Lay Had For Breakfast This Morning? Shredded Wheat.

The Pennsylvania Game Commission Has Charged A Man With Going Deer Hunting With A Handgun In A Wal-mart Parking Lot. He Is Being Charged With Reckless Endangerment, But May Plead Guilty To The Lesser Charge Of Being A Redneck.... Hunting In A Wal-mart Parking Lot. That's Got To Be Some Good Eating A Deer That Lives On Leftover Twizzlers And Mountain Dew.

How Many Watched The President's Speech Last Night? [half-hearted Audience Applause] How Many Watched American Idol ? [thundering Applause] Okay, There You Go! You Get The Government You Deserve.

The New York Police Department Says Iran Has Conducted Surveillance Inside New York City. They Say Iranian Operatives Are Using Special Mobile Surveillance Units. I Believe They're Called Taxi Cabs.

A Review Of Studies By Physicians Found That Excessive Exercise Is Bad For Your Heart. Another Study Says A Daily Serving Of Chocolate Is Actually Good For Your Heart. That's Got To Make Next Year New Year's Resolution Easier To Keep. "i'm Going To Exercise Less. Eat A Little More Chocolate.

If It Turns Out That The Mayans Are Right And The World Is Going To End, You Know What This Means? Lindsay Lohan Is A Genius. She's Been Partying Her Brains Out. She Owes Taxes. She’s Crashing Cars. She’s A Genius!

I Don't Know Why It's So Hard To Believe Women. You To Go Saudi Arabia And You Need Two Women To Testify Against A Man. Here You Need 25.

In An Unlikely Pairing, Hillary Clinton Made An Appearance This Week With Newt Gingrich To Push A Health Care Plan. The Press Is Making A Big Deal Out This Thing With Newt But, Hey, If Anyone Knows How To Appear In Public With A Man She Can't Stand, It's Hillary.

President Obama Gave A Big Speech On Climate Change. He Believes Global Warming Is Getting Worse Because Apparently He's Sweating A Lot More During His Second Term

(the Weakest Link) Is Fascinating Program. They Ask A Bunch Of People Questions And They Keep Getting Rid Of The Dumbest Person, So Just The Smartest Person Is Left. It Is Kind Of The Opposite Way We Elect A President.

According To Today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis Now Gets Negative Job Ratings From White People, Black People, Latinos, Republicans, Independents And Even Democrats. Say What You Want About The Guy But He's A Uniter!

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