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The Reason There Are Two Senators For Each State Is So That One Can Be The Designated Driver.

-Jay Leno

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The Reason There Are

Jay Leno

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The Reason There Are Two Senators For Each State Is So That One Can Be The Designated Driver.

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Italian Authorities Seized $6 Trillion Worth Of Fake, Worthless U.s. Treasury Bonds. Pretty Good Counterfeit Job, Too. They Look Just Like The Genuine, Worthless Treasury Bonds.

At A Press Conference Yesterday Nasa Announced That 2005 Was The Hottest Year On Record. It Is So Hot, And Global Warming Is So Bad, If The Presidential Election Were Held Today, Al Gore Would Still Lose.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Said This Week There's A Good Chance We Never Get Bin Laden. Bin Laden! We Couldn't Even Get O.j.!

More Bad News For The Taliban. Remember How They Are Promised 72 Virgins When They Die? Turns Out That It's Only One 72-year-old Virgin.

The Best Way To Ruin A Comedy Is To Throw A Lot Of Money At It.

For The First Time The People Of Iraq Are United. Today On Cnn I Saw A Kurd, A Shiite And A Member Of The Republican Guard Coming Together To Cart Off A Big Screen Tv.

They Always Say The Miss America Pageant Isn't A Beauty Contest, It's Really A Scholarship Program. If That's The Case, Why Don't We Just Put All The Contestants On 'jeopardy!' And Pick Miss America That Way? At Least You Get The Smartest One.

Mitt Romney Has A New Fundraising Gimmick. If You Donate $3 Or More To His Campaign, Your Name Will Be Entered Into A Drawing To Win A Dinner With Mitt Romney And Donald Trump. If You Donate More Than $10, You Get To Sit At A Different Table.

Anthony Weiner And His Wife, Huma, Have Given Birth To A Baby Boy. He Posted A Photo Of The New Baby On Twitter, But People Are Afraid To Open It.

As If This Whole Thing Isn't Confusing Enough, Election Officials Announced This Week That The Alphabet On The Ballot Will Begin With The Letter R, Then W, Then Q. You Know, Even Sesame Street Is Laughing At California Now.

When You Work With Your Hands, You Learn To Appreciate How Easy It Is To Earn Money Talking.

Researchers Found A Frog In New Guinea That Is So Tiny, They Believe It's The Smallest Vertebrate On The Planet. It Has The Tiniest Backbone Of Any Living Creature, Except Members Of Congress.

The Healthcare Reform Bill Now Includes A Tanning Booth Tax Of 10 Percent. You Know What This Means? This Whole Thing Could Be Funded By The Cast Of 'jersey Shore.'

Healthcare Reform

As We Head To War With Iraq, President Bush Wants To Make One Thing Clear: This War Is Not About Oil. It's About Gasoline.

According To Usa Today, 74 Percent Of Americans Plan To Hand Out Candy This Halloween. Although President Obama Thinks It Should Be Just The Top 1 Percent.

Osama Bin Laden Has Hired 10 Look-alikes. Now, How Hard Up Do You Have To Be Before You Take That Job? There's No Way To Win! If Osama Dies, You Don't Get Paid. If You're Found, You Get Killed.

You Can Tell You Ate Too Much For Thanksgiving When You Have To Let Your Bathrobe Out.

Funny Thanksgiving

Jesse Jackson Was Involved In A Three-car Crash This Weekend. I Understand That No One Was Hurt, But I Understand That Two Of The Women In The Other Cars Are Now Pregnant.

This Problem With Illegal Immigration Is Nothing New. In Fact, The Indians Had A Special Name For It. They Called It "white People."

How About This John Edwards Thing? Imagine That, A Personal Injury Attorney Who Turns Out To Be A Sleaze Ball. Who Could Have Seen That Coming?

It Is Day Two Of The Democratic Convention, And Apparently They Had A Huge Lighting Problem In The Convention Hall Today. They Worked All Day On It. They Still Couldn't Get President Obama Out Of Bill Clinton's Shadow.

106 [degrees] In The Valley... I Was Sweating Like Dan Rather Checking For Forged Documents.

Hillary Clinton Said That Her Childhood Dream Was To Be An Olympic Athlete. But She Was Not Athletic Enough. She Said She Wanted To Be An Astronaut, But At The Time They Didn't Take Women. She Said She Wanted To Go Into Medicine, But Hospitals Made Her Woozy. Should She Be Telling People This Story? I Mean She's Basically Saying She Wants To Be President Because She Can't Do Anything Else.

President Bush Says He Has Just One Question For The American Voters, 'is The Rich Person You're Working For Better Off Now Than They Were Four Years Ago?'

American Voters

Soup Is Probably A Way Associated With Screwing You Outside Of A Meal.

It Looks Like President Obama Has A New Campaign Slogan: 'yes I Did.'

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Congratulation S To Rahm Emanuel On Being Elected Mayor Of Chicago. His First Order Of Business After Taking Office Will Be To Actually Move To Chicago.

Congratulations

Financial Experts Are Saying We Are Entering A New Chapter In The American Economy. I Believe It's Chapter 11.

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The French Announced Today That They Would Not Help Us Remove Saddam From Iraq. Well Duh! They Didn't Even Help Us Remove Hitler From France.

It Was Reported In The Paper That President Bush Received A 'warm Reception' From The Daytona 500 Drivers. Well Sure, The Drivers Had Never Met Anyone Who Was Sponsored By More Oil Companies Than They Were.

Senator Kerry Recovering Very Nicely After Having Shoulder Surgery. The Doctors Said The Senator Was Fully Awake, Lucid And Joking After The Surgery Was Done, But Cautioned That That Was Just The Drug. He Went Back To His Boring Self Soon Afterward.

Barack Obama Said Today That Politics Has Become Too Gummed Up By Money And Influence ... And Then He Had To Leave To Attend A Fundraiser.

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Magic Johnson, Former Basketball Player, May Run For Mayor Of L.a. In The Next Election. Remember The Good 'ol Days When Only Qualified People Ran For Office Like Actors And Professional Wrestlers.

The Other Night, President Bush's Press Conference Was Pre-empted By 'american Idol.' You Know The Difference Between President Bush And 'american Idol?' See, On 'american Idol,' The One With The Most Votes Wins.

According To A New Poll, 50 Percent Of Americans Think The Country Is Divided. The Other 50 Percent Think It Isn't.

Yesterday President Obama Said, 'we Can't Continue To Treat Tax Money Like Monopoly Money.' Oh Really - How Come All Those Guys On Wall Street Got 'get Out Of Jail Free' Cards?

Well, 'don't Ask, Don't Tell' Is Back - Not For Gays In The Military. It's President Obama's New Policy For Questions About Libya. Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Enron's President, Ken Lay, Passed Away Last Week. So, I Guess Even God Lost Money On That Enron Deal. I Believe The Official Cause Of Death Was Listed As "karma." The Family Asked In Lieu Of Flowers, Please Send Some Elderly Retiree's Entire Life Savings.

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America Needs Obamacare Like Nancy Pelosi Needs A Halloween Mask.

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I Believe Engineers Will Save The World.

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Before They Went On Vacation, Congress Voted To Exempt Themselves From Obamacare. They Gave Themselves A Special Exemption Because They Thought It Was Too Expensive. So The People Who Voted For Obamacare For Us Voted To Exempt Themselves From It. You Know How Doctors Take The Hippocratic Oath. Congress Apparently Takes The 'hypocritic Oath.'

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Changing The Story Until You Believe It.

Know What The Taliban Leaders Like To Do For Fun? Just Sit Around And Get Bombed.

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Michael Jackson Has A New Baby Boy; No Word Yet Who The Father Is.

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American Taliban John Walker Lindh Has Pleaded Guilty To Two Counts Of Terrorism And Will Face Twenty Years In Prison. I Guess That Means His Jihad Is On Ji-hold.

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Attorney General John Ashcroft Has Been Hospitalized. I Believe He Is Suffering From Homophobia. No, Actually, It Was Just Gallstones, But When They Gave Him The Hospital Gown That Opens In The Back, He Refused To Wear It, He Thought It Was A Gay Wedding Dress.

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Over 6 Million People Were Evacuated From New Jersey Ahead Of The Hurricane. And Now, Three Of Them Have Gone Back.

President Obama And House Speaker John Boehner Have Agreed To Play A Round Of Golf Together. Imagine The Two Of Them At The End Of That Golf Game? Boehner Will Be Crying Over His Score And Obama Will Be Giving Three Explanations As To Why His Score Is Actually Better Than It Appears.

Barack Obama's Daughters Are Very Smart. They Told Him They Will Take The Same Responsibility For The Dog That He Is Taking For The Economy. That Way, If The Dog Leaves A Mess In The White House, It'll Be Cleaned Up By Future Generations.

Researchers In England Say Tall Men Are More Likely To Have More Children Than Short Men. Here In America We Call That The Nba Theory.

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It's Always Bad News When You Kill Your Date

They Say There Are Something Like 12 Million Illegal Immigrants In The Country Right Now, With Another Half A Million Coming Every Year. Remember In The Last Election When The Democrats Claimed There Was Two Americas? Turns Out One Of Them Was Mexico.

Experts Say That If We Go To War With Iraq, Oil Could Reach As Much As $80 A Barrel. Of Course, After The War It Will Be Free.

According To Cnn, Donald Rumsfeld Said The War In Iraq Did Not Go According To Plan. And President Bush Said, 'what? We Had A Plan?'

The Leaders Of The Taliban Said Today That Killing Bin Laden Won't Solve The Problem. But, You Know, It Couldn't Hurt.

A New Study Found That People Who Are Depressed Have A Greater Risk Of Stroke. Well That Should Cheer Them Up.

Former Vice President Al Gore Starring In A New Documentary About Global Warming. I Believe It's Called [leno Snores]. ... The Film Actually Features Al Gore And Explores His Journey On How He First Got Interested In Temperature Change. It Started Back When He Was Vice President. He Noticed How The Temperature Would Change, Like Whenever Bill Would Walk Into The Room, It Would Get Warm And Whenever Hillary Walked Into The Room, It Got Cold.

As You May Have Heard, Former President Bill Clinton Says He's Coming Here To California To Help Governor Gray Davis In His Recall Election Campaign. Which Is Ironic, Isn't It? When Clinton Was President, He Couldn't Recall Anything.

Martha Stewart Published Her Recipe For Disaster -- Mix One Part Arrogance With Two Parts Incompetence, Simmer In The Juices And Then Serve Hot In The Can.

Today Is April 1, April Fools' Day, A Day That People Try To Fool Their Friends And Relatives. Don't Confuse That With April 15, When People Try To Fool The Irs.

Here Is A Very Inexpensive Costume Idea. Wear A Re-elect Obama Button And Go Out As A Journalist.

Massachusetts Became The First State To Marry Gay Couples, Though Lawmakers Say Allowing Gay Couples To Get Married Raises A Lot Of Questions. You Know, Such As: Does That Best Man Invite Both Guys To The Bachelor Party?

While Visiting Kenya, Former President Clinton Was Offered 40 Goats And 20 Cows For His Daughter, Chelsea, By A Love Struck Government Official. Bill Said, "no Way!" How Does That Make Hillary Feel? Bill Almost Gave Her Up For One Cow.

A New Medical Study Reports That Men Who Eat Ten Pizzas A Week Are Less Likely To Develop Prostate Problems At Age 50. That's Because They Are Usually Dead By Age 40.

The Globe Reports That North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-il Raises Money By Selling Fake Viagra Pills. What It Is About This Guy? None Of His Missiles Seem To Launch.

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The Crime Problem In New York Is Getting Really Serious. The Other Day The Statue Of Liberty Had Both Hands Up.

Geraldo Has Returned To The States. See? I Told You Airline Security Was A Joke.

Airline Security

As They Do Every Year, Al-qaida Has Threatened To Disrupt And Ruin Christmas. You Know, We Already Have A Group That Disrupts And Ruins Christmas Every Year. They're Called Relatives.

If Arnold Is Elected, You Know Who I'd Feel Sorry For? The People On Death Row. Imagine, You're About To Be Executed, The Governor Calls, You Think It's Your Reprieve, And You Hear 'hasta La Vista, Baby.'

Facebook Has Revealed Their Estimated Net Worth - $96 Billion. That's Almost As Much Money As Businesses Lose Every Year From Their Employees Wasting Time Looking At Facebook.

While President Bush Was Out Of Town Hillary Clinton Stopped By The White House On Friday For An Important Meeting With Her Decorator.

This Is A Strange Country We Live In. When It Comes To Electing A President, We Get Two Choices. But When We Have To Select A Miss America, We Get 50.

If God Doesn't Destroy Hollywood Boulevard, He Owes Sodom And Gomorrah An Apology.

With Hurricanes, Tornados, Fires Out Of Control, Mud Slides, Flooding, Severe Thunderstorms Tearing Up The Country From One End To Another, And With The Threat Of Bird Flu And Terrorist Attacks, "are We Sure This Is A Good Time To Take God Out Of The Pledge Of Allegiance?

Former Enron Founder Ken Lay And Ceo Jeffrey Skilling Found Guilty In The Enron Case. Ken Lay Is So Guilty I'm Surprised People Aren't Calling Him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till These Guys Find Out In Prison That Insider Trading Has A Whole New Meaning.

Scientists Say That Texas And Antarctica Were Connected At One Time. In Fact, Early Mexicans Used To Go Through Texas To Try To Sneak Into Antarctica.

A Survey Has Shown That The Average Man Has Had Sex In A Car 15 Times. Something To Keep In Mind Next Time You're Looking For A Used Car.

The Irs Says It's Been Getting Death Threats Since The Health Care Bill Passed Because The Irs Is Going To Be The Ones In Charge Of Implementing It. They Say The Threats People Are Making To The Irs Are So Bad, That They Are Actually Hindering The Irs's Ability To Threaten People.

According To Government Auditors, The Stimulus Money Is Being Held Up Because There Aren't Enough Government Workers To Oversee The Spending. So Follow Me, In Other Words, Government Workers Who Aren't There Are Needed To Spend Money We Don't Have To Create Jobs That Don't Exist.

Well, It Looks Like John Boehner Will Be The New Speaker Of The House. He Is The Son Of A Bartender, One Of 12 Children. He Grew Up In A Two Room Home With Just One Bathroom, Worked His Way Through School, Became The First Person In His Family To Graduate From College. And, Sadly, Fell In With The Wrong Crowd And Wound Up In Congress.

Today, President Barack Obama Promised To 'detect And Pursue' American Tax Evaders, As Opposed To His First 100 Days, In Which He Detected And Nominated American Tax Evaders.

It Happened Again This Week. Hundreds Of People Had To Be Evacuated From O'hare Airport In Chicago. Seems Every Time Somebody Went Through With A Weapon, The Metal Detectors Accidentally Went Off.

Apparently, Osama Bin Laden Was Killed With Money And Phone Numbers Sewn Into His Clothing. So We Got Him Right Before He Left For Summer Camp.

Obama Called On Americans To Have More Grandchildren. Probably So There's More Of Them To Pay Off Our Debt.

With The Presidential Debates Right Around The Corner, John Kerry Is Going To Play Mitt Romney To Help The President Prepare For The Debates. That's Kind Of A Stretch; A Rich White Guy From Massachusetts Playing A Rich White Guy From Massachusetts.

George W. Bush Says He Spends Sixty To Ninety Minutes A Day Working Out. He Says He Works Out Because It Clears His Mind. Sometimes Just A Little Too Much.

It Turns Out Enron Workers Were Not Only Shredding Documents At Work, They Were Having Sex At Work. Having Sex And Shredding Documents. Those Are Two Things You Don't Want To Get Mixed Up.

Martha Stewart Was Found Guilty On All Charges. You Know What That Means, Stripes Are In This Year.

Here's Some Exciting News - According To The New York Post, Both Al Gore And John Kerry Are Thinking Of Running For President In 2008. Gore And Kerry Again! Political Experts Say It's Too Early To Tell Who Would Lose Bigger!

To Give You An Idea How Bad The American Economy Is, Mexico Is Now Calling For A Fence Along The Border. Stay On Your Side!

Hey, Barack Obama Had To Give Up His Blackberry. He's The First Wired President. ... He Might Have To Give His Blackberry Because Of Security Reasons. Because They're Easy To Hack Into. In Fact, When Obama Heard He Might Have To Give It Up, He Said, 'omg! Wtf?' I Mean, He Couldn't Believe It.

The Worst Thing About Losing This Job: I’m No Longer Covered By Nbc. I Have To Sign Up For Obamacare.

Authorities In New York City Have Foiled A Plot By Terrorists To Blow Up The Holland Tunnel. There Was One Awkward Moment When Officials Informed President Bush The Holland Tunnel Was Safe. Bush Then Thanked The Dutch Authorities For All Their Help.

According To The L.a. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft Wants To Take "a Harder Stance" On The Death Penalty. What's A Harder Stance On The Death Penalty? We're Already Killing The Guy? How Do You Take A Harder Stance On The Death Penalty? What, Are You Going To Tickle Him First? Give Him Itching Powder? Put A Thumbtack On The Electric Chair?

A Jury Found Former Enron Sleezeballs Ken Lay And Jeff Skilling Guilty Of Fraud And Conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's Not A Good Name To Have When You're Going To Prison. And Kenny Boy Ain't Too Good Either. ... I Guess In Prison They'll Have Done To Them What They Did To The Stockholders.

President Clinton And President Obama Played A Round Of Golf Over The Weekend. President Clinton Asked Obama What His Handicap Was, And Obama Said, 'joe Biden.'

Now This Really Annoys Me: All These People Getting On The Internet And Saying Nostradamus Predicted This. If Nostradamus Were Alive Today His Name Would Be Miss Cleo And He'd Be Charging $2.99 A Minute.

I Don’t Like Goodbyes, Nbc Does.

Hillary Clinton Said She Hopes America Is Ready For A Woman In The Oval Office. That Was The Great Thing About Her Husband Bill: He Was Always Ready For A Woman In The Oval Office.

Bill Clinton Is The Only Ex-president Who Hasn't Planned His Own Funeral. But, In His Defense, In The Past He Has Said He Wants To Be Buried Next To Hillary. I Guess He Figures He Never Slept Next To Her When They Were Alive, Might As Well Try It Now That They're Dead.

The New York Times Is Reporting That Back In The '60s, Presidential Candidate Howard Dean Used A Letter From A Doctor About A Back Condition To Keep Himself Out Of The Draft In Vietnam And Then Spent 10 Months Skiing. Well It Sounds Like He's Done The Impossible. He Actually Made Bill Clinton And George Bush Look Like War Heroes.

Anheuser-busch Gives Two Free Cases Of Beer To Its Employees At All Of Its Parks, Like Busch Gardens. That's A Comforting Thought The Next Time You're Getting Ready To Get On The Roller Coaster!

Former Enron Ceo Jeffrey Skilling Appeared Before Congress. Do You Think They Even Bothered Swearing Him In? Now He Is Denying He Lied To Congress Last Week. He's Saying It Was Just The Liquor Talking.

Tonight Was The Cnn Primary Debate With The Four Remaining Candidates. It Was Kind Of A Change For Newt Gingrich. Usually When He's Arguing With Three People At Once, It's His Wife, His Ex-wife, And His Mistress.

Do You Know Who Will Be In Charge Of Health Care? The Irs. You Thought Getting Audited Was Bad? Wait Until Your Next Prostate Exam.

John Kerry Suspended His Campaign For Five Days This Week In Honor Of President Reagan. And Right Now, He's Ahead In The Polls. How's That Make Him Feel? Disappears For A Week And He's Up In The Polls. What Else Can He Do Now But Go Into Hiding.

Some Democrats Say The Estimated $60 Billion Dollar Cost Of A War With Iraq Could Be Better Spent At Home. When He Heard That, President Bush Agreed And Announced Plans To Bomb Ohio.

All I Ask Is That You Tip Your Waiters And Waitresses. We Have To Turn This Situation Around.

Joe Biden Once Again Denied Stories That He Will Be Replaced On The Ticket In 2012. He Says He Will Continue To Embarrass President Obama For Another Four Years.

John Kerry Accused President Bush Of Catering To The Rich. You Know, As Opposed To John Kerry Who Just Marries Them.

They Had A Profile Of John Kerry On The News And They Said His First Wife Was Worth Around $300 Million And His Second Wife, His Current Wife, Is Worth Around $700 Million. So When John Kerry Says He's Going After The Wealthy In This Country, He's Not Just Talking. He's Doing It!

People Want To Say There Isn't Racial Profiling At The Airport, But Let's Be Honest. If You First Name Is Mohammed, And Your Last Name Isn't Ali, Leave A Little Extra Time.

Today Is February 14th - St. Valentine's Day. Women Call It Love Day, While Men Name It As Extortion Day.

They Said That President Bush's War In Iraq Has Cost The Former Spanish Prime Minister His Job. So President Bush Isn't Losing American Jobs Anymore, He's Branching Out To Other Countries.

Give A Man A Fish And He Will Eat For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish And He Will Eat For A Lifetime. Teach A Man To Create An Artificial Shortage Of Fish And He Will Eat Steak.

President Obama Admitted This Week That A Former Girlfriend That He Wrote About In His Autobiography Was Made Up And Not A Real Person . . . So Obama Had An Imaginary Girlfriend. Big Deal! He Had An Imaginary Economic Plan. It’s All The Same.

Cnn Found That Hillary Clinton Is The Most Admired Woman In America. Women Admire Her Because She's Strong And Successful. Men Admire Her Because She Allows Her Husband To Cheat And Get Away With It.

Rick Perry Told Reporters This Week That He Has A Permit To Carry A Concealed Handgun. He Also Has A Concealed Vocabulary, Concealed Knowledge Of The Issues, Concealed Tolerance.

That Must Be Strange, Cheating On Your Wife With A Flight Attendant. They're In Bed And She's Says, 'in The Event That Wife Should Come Home Early Please Notice The Location Of The Nearest Emergency Exit.'

John Kerry Announced That He And His Wife Are Leaving On A Week-long Vacation. He's Going To Take Her Back To The Place Where He First Proposed To Her - At Her Bank.

Have You Seen The Cover Of Newsweek? They Have Martha Stewart On The Cover, But It's Not Actually Martha. It's A Doctored Photo. They Put Martha's Head On A Slimmer Woman's Body. And Martha Was Very Upset About This. She Said, 'hey, If I Wanted My Face On Another Woman's Body, I'd Stay In Prison.'

Never Perform For Your Family. They Either Laugh Too Hard Or Not At All.

Hillary Clinton Is Getting A Little Bit Of Controversy Because She Has The Most Expensive Hometown Office Rent - Over $500,000 A Year. She's In A One-year Lease In The Office, As Opposed To Her Marriage, Which Is On A Month-to-month.

The Big Rumor Going Around Is, We May Begin Bombing Iraq. Or, As The White House Calls It, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page.

The Key To A Long And Healthy Marriage Is That, Honestly, There's Nothing Worth Fighting About.

President Bush Admitted That The United States Went To War In Iraq Based On Bad Intelligence. But He Says Knowing What We Know Now He Would Still Do It Again. So At Least We're Learning From Our Mistakes.

Starbuck's Is Going To Start Selling Instant Coffee. This Is For People Who Want The Quality Of Sanka, But Want To Pay The High Starbuck's Price.

Sarah Palin Has Revealed She Has Tried Marijuana, But She Did Not Like It. You Know, It's Amazing: 200 Million Americans Have Smoked Marijuana. The Only Ones Who Don't Like It Seem To Be Elected Officials. Ever Notice That?

Elected Officials

I Think There's One More Thing Perry Can Forget, Too: Being President.

Men Are Liars. We Lie About Lying If We Have To.

Form 1040 Was Chosen By The Irs Because For Every $50 You Earn, You Get 10 And They Get 40.

Yesterday, Saddam Hussein Got 100 Percent Of The Vote. Well, That's According To Saddam's Campaign Manager, Jeb Hussein.

President Obama Told The Irish People That America Will Always Stand By Them, To Which Israel Laughed.

John Kerry Has Apologized For Saying Those Who Do Not Study Hard And Do Their Homework Will Get Stuck In Iraq. Now, Those That Do Not Campaign Well And Are Boring Will End Up Stuck In The Senate.

I Guess You Heard About This; The U.s. Olympic Committee Is Coming Under Fire After It Was Revealed That The Uniforms For Team Usa To Be Worn In The Opening Ceremony Were Made In China. Turns Out They Were Made By Some Of The Same Kids Who Could Beat Us In Gymnastics. That's The Worst Part.

John Kerry And Ralph Nader Met Face-to-face, It Was A Historic Meeting. Astronomers Said Today Their Meeting Actually Created What Is Called A 'charisma Black Hole.'

More And More Details Coming Out Now About Spoiled Rich Kid Osama Bin Laden. Time Reports This Week He Was One Of 52 Kids. Mother Must Be Exhausted. This Guy Inherited $80 Million At Age 13 And Has Since Expanded It To $300 Million Through Construction, Smart Investments And Gas And Oil Investments. This Way, He Can Use The Money In His War Against Capitalism.

The Nfl Draft Is Going To Be This Thursday. That's A Huge Night For College Players. That's The Night They Start Being Paid Over The Table.

Howard Dean Announced Today He Will Campaign In Seven States. The States Are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, And Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!

Now, I Have A Halloween Mask I Think You Might Get A Kick Out Of. That's Scary.

The White House Softball Team Played The Pro-marijuana Lobbyists' Team And Lost 25-3. Still No Word Yet On Which Side President Obama Played For.

The Senate Voted 97-0 For An Anti-spam Bill To Stop Those Annoying Things You Get On Your Computer. The Senators Made It Very Clear That When You Start Misleading The American People And Start Taking Their Money Over False Promises, That's Our Turf, Buddy!

A Survey Says That American Workers Work The First Three Hours Every Day Just To Pay Their Taxes. So That's Why We Can't Get Anything Done In The Morning: We're Government Workers.

Of Course, Republicans Still Can't Believe That Barack Obama Won The Nobel Peace Prize. But Then Democrats Can't Believe That Sarah Palin Wrote A Book.

So, It's Pretty Crazy. Look, We're Bailing Out Wall Street, We're Bailing Out Banks, We're Bailing Out Car Companies. In Fact, Did You Know There's A Special Box On Your Tax Form This Year You Can Check If You Want A Portion Of Your Taxes To Actually Go To Running The Government?

We've Got The Government Shutdown, But The Beginning Of Obamacare. You Know What That Means? You Can Now Complain To Your Doctor About The Government Making You Sick.

More Details Coming Out About Michael Jackson. It Seems His 13-year-old Accuser Testified Before A Grand Jury That Michael Had Seven Locks On His Bedroom Door. See, What Happened Was Whenever Michael Would Install One Lock, The Kid Would Grow An Inch Taller, And He'd Have To Put In Another One, And Then Another One, And Then Another One.

Last Night, We Had The First Gubernatorial Debate. Some People Are Criticizing Schwarzenegger For Not Going. They Say Arnold Goes Around Telling People He Cares, Everything Is Going To Be Great, Forget About Everything He Did In The '70s. Hey, It Worked For George Bush.

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