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The Big Rumor Going Around Is, We May Begin Bombing Iraq. Or, As The White House Calls It, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page.

-Jay Leno

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The Big Rumor Going

Jay Leno

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The Big Rumor Going Around Is, We May Begin Bombing Iraq. Or, As The White House Calls It, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page.

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President Obama Announced This Week That He Is Going To Start Sending Out His Own Messages Personally On Twitter. And Today Anthony Weiner Said, “it’s A Trap, Don’t Do It!” But President Obama’s Tweets Are A Little Different Than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama Sends Out Pictures Of Something Obscene, It’s The Unemployment Numbers.

Michael Jackson Has A New Baby Boy; No Word Yet Who The Father Is.

The Fda Is Now Warning People Not To Eat Raw Cookie Dough This Holiday Season. Is That How Fat We're Getting In This Country? Our Ovens Are Too Slow Now?

President Obama Told A Group Of School Children That Broccoli Was His Favorite Food, And They Believed Him. Then He Told Them Obamacare Would Reduce The Deficit And The Kids All Busted Out Laughing.

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You Know What The Bounty Is On Bin Laden? $25 Million. It Sounds Like A Lot Until You Realize The Texas Rangers Paid $250 Million To Get Alex Rodriguez.

According To The New York Times, More Than Half Of President Obama's Twitter Followers Are Fake. They Don't Even Exist. Which Is Actually A Good Thing Because If They Did Exist There Wouldn't Be Any Jobs For Them.

Researchers In England Say Tall Men Are More Likely To Have More Children Than Short Men. Here In America We Call That The Nba Theory.

Elections Officials Here In California Are Concerned That Having 247 Candidates Would Require A Ballot So Long It Would Be Difficult To Count. Today In Florida They Said, 'what? You Count The Ballots?'

In A New Issue Of Esquire Magazine, They Revealed That Before He Was Married To Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry Dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg And Dana Delany. Finally A Democratic Presidential Candidate With Good Taste In Women.

Ann Landers Said That You Are Addicted To Sex If You Have Sex More Than 3 Times A Day, And That You Should Seek Professional Help. I Have News For Ann Landers: The Only Way I Am Going To Get Sex 3 Times A Day Is If I Seek Professional Help.

Cnn Found That Hillary Clinton Is The Most Admired Woman In America. Women Admire Her Because She's Strong And Successful. Men Admire Her Because She Allows Her Husband To Cheat And Get Away With It.

Usain Bolt Won The Gold For The Men's 100- And 200-meter Dashes For The Second Olympics In A Row. You Know, He Has Been Running Since He Was In Elementary School - Kind Of Like Mitt Romney.

They Say John Kerry Is The First Democratic Presidential Candidate In History To Raise $50 Million In A Three-month Period. Actually, That's Nothing. He Once Raised $500 Million With Two Words: 'i Do.'

It Seems That Researchers At Colorado University Say Wine May Help People Lose Weight. It's Not The Wine Directly That Causes The Weight Loss, It's All The Walking Around You Do Trying To Find Your Car.

President Bush Stopped Off At A Bass Pro Fishing Store To Pick Up A Fishing Reel, Some Line And Some Rubber Worms. He's Going To Disappear And Go Fishing. So He Must Think He's Back In The National Guard.

They Determined Who Got The First Question By A Coin Toss, To Which Sarah Palin Said, 'oh, What A Coincidence, That's How I Got Picked.'

Ex-convicts Prepared The Eggs For The White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s Nice To See The White House Reaching Out To Former Members Of Congress.

President Obama And House Speaker John Boehner Played Golf This Weekend. Obama’s Handicap Is Joe Biden.

President Obama Told The Irish People That America Will Always Stand By Them, To Which Israel Laughed.

For The First Time In History, Sex Is More Dangerous Than The Cigarette Afterward.

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In Spite Of The Poor Economy, Almost 70 Percent Of Americans Occasionally Splurge On Luxury Items -- Like A Blanket On A Plane, Or A Peanut.

When President Chirac Gave [president] Bush A Souvenir Statue Of The Eiffel Tower... Bush Said 'this Is Great! A Little Oil Rig!'

"this Is Now The Twelfth Day Of Rioting In France. They Have Been Rioting For Almost Two Weeks. And France Has Still Not Surrendered. That's Like A Record.

Form 1040 Was Chosen By The Irs Because For Every $50 You Earn, You Get 10 And They Get 40.

If I Could Ask Ken Lay One Question Right Now, Do You Know What It Would Be? "does The Devil Really Wear Prada?"

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There Are 249 Millionaires In Congress. Remember A Couple Of Years Ago When This New Congress Told Us They Had The Solution To The Recession? Apparently, They Didn't Share It With The Rest Of Us.

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They Had So Much Rain In New York That A Lot Of The Cabbies Had Their First Shower In Years.

It Really Kind Of Looks Like Now That John Kerry Is On His Way To The Presidential Nomination. The Only Thing That Can Sink John Kerry Now Is An Al Gore Endorsement.

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The White House Says That The Unemployment Rate Is Good News Because It Means More People Are Looking For Jobs. More Good News Like That, And Everyone At The White House Will Be Looking For Jobs.

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When They Said "make Love, Not War" At Woodstock, They Never Imagined That One Would Become As Dangerous As The Other.

(gray) Davis Said Yesterday That He Is Going To Fight Like A Bengal Tiger, Which I Believe Is Also An Endangered Species.

Iraq Began Destroying Those Missiles They Don't Have Over The Weekend. See, President Bush May Be The Smartest Military President In History. First, He Gets Iraq To Destroy All Of Their Own Weapons. Then He Declares War.

Hillary Clinton's Opponent In The U.s. Senate Race, The Republican She's Going To Be Running Against, Has Been Married Three Times, Had An Affair With His Chief Of Staff, Had Two Kids With Her While Still Married To His Second Wife. This Is The First Time In History That A Clinton Is The 'family Values' Candidate.

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A Team Of British Lawyers Has Now Concluded That The Declaration Of Independence Was Illegal, And The American Colonies Had No Right To Secede From England. Well, You Thought Our Court System Was Backed Up.

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The Big Rumor Going Around Is, We May Begin Bombing Iraq. Or, As The White House Calls It, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page.

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Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Said This Week There's A Good Chance We Never Get Bin Laden. Bin Laden! We Couldn't Even Get O.j.!

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Osama Bin Laden

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You See The Pictures In The Paper Today Of John Kerry Windsurfing? He's At His Home In Nantucket This Week, Doing His Favorite Thing, Windsurfing. Even His Hobby Depends On Which Way The Wind Blows.

President Bush Spent The Day Calling Names He Couldn't Pronounce In Countries He Never Knew Existed.

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Saddam Hussein Has Invited Members From The U.s. Congress To Visit Iraq. Man How Stupid Is Hussein? If You Think Bush Had Incentive To Bomb Iraq Before, Imagine If Congress Was Over There.

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A New York Doctor Has Finished A Five Year Study On What Smells Have The Biggest Effect On New Yorkers. The Smell New Yorkers Like The Most: Vanilla. The Smell New Yorkers Like The Least: New Jersey.

Martha Stewart Published Her Recipe For Disaster -- Mix One Part Arrogance With Two Parts Incompetence, Simmer In The Juices And Then Serve Hot In The Can.

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Scientists Think They Can Now Clone An All-white Zebra. Now, I'm No Expert, But Isn't That A Horse?

And Ralph Nader, God Bless Him, Still Out There Campaigning. Ralph Nader Said Today He Has Set A Record For The Most Campaign Speeches Given In One Day. He Gave 21 Speeches In One Day. Of Course, We Have To Take His Word For It, Because Of Course, There Are No Witnesses.

We Pick Politicians By How They Look On Tv And Miss America On Where She Stands On The Issues. Isn't That A Little Backwards?

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These White House Scandals Are Not Going Away Anytime Soon. People In Kenya Are Now Saying He's 100 Percent American. That's How Bad It's Gotten.

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According To A British Poll, You've Only Got A One In Five Chance Of Achieving Your Childhood Career Ambition. Which Probably Explains Why You Don't Run Into That Many Cowboys, Princesses, Or Space Rangers.

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At&t Is Now Offering A New Service That Allows You To Pay Your Bills Through Your Tv Screen By Using Your Remote Control. So Instead Of Saying, "the Check's In The Mail," People Are Going To Say, "hey, I Wanted To Pay, But I Couldn't Find The Remote."

Well, The Big Story -- Hillary Clinton Will Be Running For President In 2008. You Know Why I Think She's Running? I Think She Finally Wants To See What It's Like To Sleep In The President's Bed.

The Washington Bullets Are Changing Their Name. They Don't Want Their Team To Be Associated With Crime. From Now On, They'll Just Be Known As The Bullets.

Jesse Jackson Was Involved In A Three-car Crash This Weekend. I Understand That No One Was Hurt, But I Understand That Two Of The Women In The Other Cars Are Now Pregnant.

Howard Dean Dropped Out Of The Race Today. At Least He Can't Claim His Voice Wasn't Heard.

Today The Secretary Of State Said That Of The 247 Candidates, So Far 115 Of Them Have Been Certified. How Embarrassing Is That? Imagine If You Were Turned Down Because You Didn't Meet The High Standards Set By Larry Flynt And Gallagher.

In His Big Victory Speech Last Night, Senator Kerry Said That He Wanted To Defeat George Bush And The 'economy Of Privilege.' Then He Hugged His Wife, Teresa, Heir To The Multi-million Dollar Heinz Food Fortune.

So, It's Pretty Crazy. Look, We're Bailing Out Wall Street, We're Bailing Out Banks, We're Bailing Out Car Companies. In Fact, Did You Know There's A Special Box On Your Tax Form This Year You Can Check If You Want A Portion Of Your Taxes To Actually Go To Running The Government?

The Senate Voted 97-0 For An Anti-spam Bill To Stop Those Annoying Things You Get On Your Computer. The Senators Made It Very Clear That When You Start Misleading The American People And Start Taking Their Money Over False Promises, That's Our Turf, Buddy!

President James Garfield Could Write In Latin With One Hand While Writing In Greek With The Other. I Would Give My Right Arm To Be Ambidextrous.

Politics Is Just Show Business For Ugly People.

An Evangelical Minister Has Had To Resign After Pictures Surfaced Showing Him In A Hot Tub With Two Women. He Claimed It Was Just A Baptism Gone Terribly Wrong.

I Feel Bad For People Who Die On Valentine's Day. How Much Would Flowers Cost Then, Ten Grand?

I'm Trying To Sum Up President Obama's First 11 Months In Office. He Gave Billions To Wall Street, Cracked Down On Illegal Immigrants Getting Health Care, And He's Sending 30,000 More Troops To Afghanistan. You Know Something, He May Go Down In History As Our Greatest Republican President Ever.

The New England Journal Of Medicine Reports That 9 Out Of 10 Doctors Agree That 1 Out Of 10 Doctors Is An Idiot.

Know What The Taliban Leaders Like To Do For Fun? Just Sit Around And Get Bombed.

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Last Week Convicted Enron Crook Ken Lay Died Of A Heart Attack. They Announced They Were Going To Cremate Him. Where He's Going, Why Bother?.

U.n. Officials Said Today They Desperately Need $7 Billion To Help People Cope With Disasters, But They're Having A Hard Time Getting People To Send Rescue Money. Here's What The Un Should Do: Invest In Bad Mortgages, Run A Bank Into The Ground, Give Yourself A Bonus, Get Some Spa Treatments And, In No Time, The Government Will Send You $750 Billion.

Dean Is A Doctor But He Acts More Like A Postal Worker!

Kerry Is Well On His Way To Reaching His Magic Number Of 2,162. That's The Total Number Of Delegates He Needs To Win The Democratic Nomination. See For President Bush It's Different - His Magic Number Is 5. That's The Number Of Supreme Court Judges Needed To Win.

Saddam Hussein Is Dead, And Osama Bin Laden Is Dead. If You’re Moammar Gadhafi, Living In Exile Is Starting To Sound Really Good.

Osama Bin Laden

So, The Phoenix Suns Are Wearing Jerseys Written In Spanish, Made In China, Modeled After Their Best Player, Canadian Steve Nash. There You Go. That Is America.

More Coming Out About Saddam Hussein. We Now Know He Takes Viagra And He Has As Many As Six Mistresses. No Wonder Congress Is Reluctant To Take Action Against This Guy - He's One Of Their Own.

John Kerry Described His Republican Critics As 'the Most Crooked, Lying Group I've Ever Seen.' Now, That's Saying Something, Because Kerry's Both A Lawyer And A Politician.

President Bush Said That Our Kids Must Be Taught How To Read. He Said If His Aides Never Learned To Read, They'd Never Be Able To Tell Him What's In The Newspapers Every Day.

According To Cnn, Donald Rumsfeld Said The War In Iraq Did Not Go According To Plan. And President Bush Said, 'what? We Had A Plan?'

Last Night, John Mccain Said That Under The Democratic Health Care Plan, A Bureaucrat Would Stand Between You And Your Doctor, As Opposed To The Republican Health Care Plan, Where An Accountant Would Stand Between You And Your Health Care.

America Online Customers Are Upset Because The Company Has Decided To Allow Advertising In Its Chat Rooms. I Can See Why: You Got Computer Sex, You Can Download Pornography, People Are Making Dates With 10 Year-olds. Hey, What's This? A Pepsi Ad? They're Ruining The Integrity Of The Internet!

Contact With The Customer Is What Business Is All About.

In His Annual Economic Report To Congress President Bush Said That The Transfer Of American Jobs Overseas Is Actually Part Of A Positive Transformation That Will Enrich The U.s. Economy Over Time. So Basically, Losing Your Job To Someone Else Can Be A Good Thing. Of Course We'll See How He Feels About That In November.

Former Enron Ceo Jeffrey Skilling Appeared Before Congress. Do You Think They Even Bothered Swearing Him In? Now He Is Denying He Lied To Congress Last Week. He's Saying It Was Just The Liquor Talking.

If God Doesn't Destroy Hollywood Boulevard, He Owes Sodom And Gomorrah An Apology.

Gary Condit Is On The Congressional Committee For Homeland Security. They Make The Guy Responsible For Homeland Security Who Is The Guy No One Would Feel Secure Going Home With.

Vice President Joe Biden Said Today That 'syria Must Be Held Accountable.' Unfortunately, The Obama Administration Has Never Employed An Accountant, So They Have No Idea How To Do That.

I Was In The Rotc. Of Course, Rotc Stood For "running Off To Canada."

Having A Life Is Easy. Having A Career Is Hard To Come By.

Casey Anthony Was Found Not Guilty. This Means That President Obama’s Economic Team Is Only The Second-most Clueless Group In America.

The Good News Is, The Stock Market Is Closed And It Can't Hurt Us Again Until Tomorrow.

The Fbi Announced Today That They Are Now Looking For Osama Bin Laden's Financial Adviser. You Think This Guy Is In Demand. How Good Can He Be? His Top Client Is Living In A Cave And Driving A Donkey. It Doesn't Sound Like He Is Getting The Best Return On His Investments To Me.

It's Not Called Cocaine Any More. It's Now Referred To As Crack Classic.

President Bush Earned $400,000 For His Job As President Last Year. That's Not Really That Much For Being President When You Think About It. But President Bush, He Doesn't Do It For The Money, He Does It For The Eight Months Of Vacation Every Year.

For The First Time Ever, Overweight People Outnumber Average People In America. Doesn't That Make Overweight The Average Then? Last Month You Were Fat, Now You're Average - Hey, Let's Get A Pizza!

The Catholic Church Is Still Very Angry About The Da Vinci Code - They Don't Like Anything That Makes More Money In A Weekend Than They Do.

The Leaders Of The Taliban Said Today That Killing Bin Laden Won't Solve The Problem. But, You Know, It Couldn't Hurt.

Magic Johnson, Former Basketball Player, May Run For Mayor Of L.a. In The Next Election. Remember The Good 'ol Days When Only Qualified People Ran For Office Like Actors And Professional Wrestlers.

An Israeli Man's Life Was Saved When He Was Given A Palestinian Man's Heart In A Heart Transplant Operation. The Guy Is Doing Fine, But The Bad News Is, He Can't Stop Throwing Rocks At Himself.

Supporters Of Osama Bin Laden Want To Rename The Arabian Sea After Bin Laden's Death. They Want To Call It "martyr's Sea." Please, Hiding In Your Bedroom For Six Years With The Blinds Closed? How About "chicken Of The Sea?

My Favorite Halloween Candy Is The Candy Corn. It Comes In Four Colors: White, Yellow, Orange, Brown. Those Are Also The Stages Of Your Teeth Rotting After You Eat It.

President Bush Said Global Warming Is Happening Much Quicker Than He Thought, And Then His Staff Pulled Him Aside And Said 'it's Just Springtime.'

I Went Into A Mcdonald's Yesterday And Said, 'i'd Like Some Fries.' The Girl At The Counter Said, 'would You Like Some Fries With That?'

Border Agents Have Now Been Issued Air Guns That Shoot Pepper Balls At People Coming Across The Mexican Border. Have They Thought This Through? Is That Going To Bother People From Mexico? Pepper Balls? Don't These People Eat Jalapenos? Isn't That Like Firing Meatballs At An Italian Guy?

President Bush Said This Iraq Situation Looks Like 'the Rerun Of A Bad Movie.' Well Sure, There's A Bush In The White House, The Economy's Going To Hell, We're Going To War Over Oil. I've Seen This Movie, Haven't I?

Whitney Houston Rear-ended A City Bus With Her Sports Car, But No One Was Hurt. She Said She Didn't Know What Happened. One Minute She Was Concentrating On The Big White Line, And The Next, Boom!

There's This Big Pie In Show Business, And You Physically Can't Eat The Whole Pie. If You Give Everybody A Slice Of Pie, You Will Still Have More Than Enough. The Real Trick Is Not To Try To Get The Whole Pie, But To Keep The Biggest Slice.

It Looks Like President Obama Has A New Campaign Slogan: 'yes I Did.'

What's The Difference Between Lindsay Lohan And Rick Perry? It Only Takes Lindsay Four And A Half Hours To Finish A Sentence.

A New Study Published By The British Medical Journal Found That Inactivity Can Kill You. I Mean, These Are The Kind Of Findings That Just Scare The Hell Out Of Congress.

The Mayans Have Predicted The World Is Supposed To End On December 21. If The World Doesn't End On December 21, You Can Bet The Next Day The Malls Will Be Overrun With Mayans Trying To Buy Last-minute Gifts.

U.n. Weapons Inspectors Found Empty Chemical Warheads In Iraq. So, The Question Everyone Is Asking Now Is How Did Sean Penn Miss This?

Dean's Wife, Judith Steinberg, Made A Rare Appearance With Dean. She's A Doctor, So I Guess They Brought Her In To Stop The Hemorrhaging.

An Intruder Broke Into Mike Tyson's Hotel Room In Las Vegas While He Was Sleeping But Got Out Before Tyson Could Get To Him. I Don't Know What's Scarier. Having Someone Breaking Into Your Room While You're Sleeping Or Breaking Into Someone Else's Room And Finding Out The Guy Is Mike Tyson.

John Kerry's Victory Over Howard Dean Has Completely Changed The Presidential Race Around. Now Instead Of The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In The White House Facing Off Against The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In Vermont, He May Have To Face The Rich White Guy From Yale Who Lives In Massachusetts. It's A Whole Different Game.

(the Weakest Link) Is Fascinating Program. They Ask A Bunch Of People Questions And They Keep Getting Rid Of The Dumbest Person, So Just The Smartest Person Is Left. It Is Kind Of The Opposite Way We Elect A President.

A New Study Shows That American Students Are Becoming Less Proficient In Science, And If The Trend Continues, We Will Become A Nation That's Science And Chemistry Illiterate. And You Thought A Lot Of Meth Labs Are Blowing Up Now?

Postal Inspectors Have Been Given Advanced Warning That Publishers Clearinghouse Is Sending Packets Of Laundry Detergent That Could Be Mistaken For Anthrax. Oh, Good Timing. What Genius Came Up With This Promotion? What's Next - A Ticking Alarm Clock? Let's Put That In A Box.

I Don’t Like Goodbyes, Nbc Does.

President Obama Is Coming Under Criticism Now For Not Meeting With His Jobs Council. He Hasn't Met With His Jobs Council In Over Six Months. You Know The Reason Obama Hasn't Met With His Job Council In Six Months? They're All Out Looking For Jobs.

It's Just A Matter Of Time Before We Go Into Iraq And Get Saddam Hussein. I Think Just Before Bush Falls Below 50 Percent, That's When We'll Be Going.

The Republican Debate Got Pretty Heated. They Spent Most Of Their Time Arguing Over Who God Called First.

For Some Reason, The Secret Service Revealed This, That Sarah Palin's Secret Service Code Name Is 'denali.' Turns Out 'denali' Is An Old Eskimo Name That Means 'dan Quayle.'

The Ceo Of Enron, Jeffrey Skilling, Married One Of The Enron Secretaries This Week. It's Amazing How Romantic These Enron Guys Can Be When They Realize That Wives Can't Be Forced To Testify Against Their Husbands. Skilling Said Today She Was The Best Secretary Enron Had Ever Had. She Could Shred 950 Words A Minute. ... I Guess They Are On Their Honeymoon Right Now. That's Going Pretty Well. Hey, He's Used To Screwing Enron Employees.

Services Were Held Today For Ken Lay - Convicted Thief And Crook Ken Lay.they Folded His Arms Across His Chest And Sowed His Sleeves Together So He Couldn't Put His Hands In Anyone's Pockets When They Walked By. You Know When They Say In A Eulogy, "you're All Richer For Having Known Him." I Don't Think They're Going To Hear That.

Seems There's A Big Debate Going On About Whether A New Tv Commercial For Minute Maid Orange Juice Portrays Popeye And Bluto As Gay Lovers Or Just Good Friends. The Commercial Shows Popeye And Bluto At The Beach And Riding A Bicycle For Two. I Don't Think That Makes Them Gay. I Think The Fact They Both Find Olive Oyl Attractive, That Makes Them Gay.

Anybody Who Gives Their Car To A Valet Isn't A Car Guy

I Was Going To Start Off Tonight With An Obama Joke But I Don't Want To Get Audited By The Irs.

Playboy Magazine Is Now Doing A 'women Of Enron' Pictorial Spread. ... Apparently The Only Thing These Women Have Left To Shred Is Their Dignity.

I Looked Up The Word Politics In The Dictionary, And It's Actually A Combination Of Two Words: Poli, Which Means 'many,' And Tics, Which Means 'bloodsuckers.'

The Pennsylvania Game Commission Has Charged A Man With Going Deer Hunting With A Handgun In A Wal-mart Parking Lot. He Is Being Charged With Reckless Endangerment, But May Plead Guilty To The Lesser Charge Of Being A Redneck.... Hunting In A Wal-mart Parking Lot. That's Got To Be Some Good Eating A Deer That Lives On Leftover Twizzlers And Mountain Dew.

I Went To See That Movie 'from Hell,' Or As Osama Bin Laden Calls It - 'roots.'

Osama Bin Laden

Show Business Pays You A Lot Of Money, Because Eventually You’re Gonna Get Screwed.

I Tell You, The Economy Is In Bad Shape. In Fact, The Economy Is So Bad, President Barack Obama's New Slogan Is 'spare Change You Can Believe In.'

A Fitness Instructor In Maine Has Been Charged With Running A Prostitution Business Out Of Her Zumba Dance Studio. Authorities First Got Suspicious When They Saw Guys Going To Work Out At A Zumba Dance Studio.

When Rick Perry Was Told About Kim Jong Il, He Said, 'i Never Heard Of Him, But Then Again, I Don't Listen To That Rap.'

Joe Biden Once Again Denied Stories That He Will Be Replaced On The Ticket In 2012. He Says He Will Continue To Embarrass President Obama For Another Four Years.

The Best Way To Ruin A Comedy Is To Throw A Lot Of Money At It.

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