Background Image
...
I Was Going To Start Off Tonight With An Obama Joke But I Don't Want To Get Audited By The Irs.
-Jay Leno
...
Please Wait....
Translating....

I Was Going To

Jay Leno
...
I Was Going To Start Off Tonight With An Obama Joke But I Don't Want To Get Audited By The Irs.

Understanding the Quote: "i was going to start off tonight with an obama joke but..."

This quote by Jay Leno reflects deeply on the theme of tonight. It connects to the universal human journey of purpose, motivation, and reflection. Often categorized under Tonight, Irs, Want, the quote offers insight, emotional clarity, and intellectual inspiration to readers worldwide.

Whether you’re a student exploring new ideas, a leader trying to motivate your team, or someone seeking direction in life — this quote provides value. It resonates because it’s more than words — it’s a bridge between experience and wisdom. It shows how Jay Leno interprets life's core challenges and triumphs.

Lessons From the Quote

This quote teaches resilience and focus. It reminds readers that no matter where they stand in life, reflection and self-awareness lead to growth. Each word has meaning, and when studied, it becomes clear how impactful thoughtful language can be.

About Jay Leno

Jay Leno is celebrated for insightful thoughts on tonight and irs. Their legacy lives on through writings that guide, comfort, and inspire. Discover more on their profile page.

Actionable Takeaways

  • Reflect on how this quote applies to your current life path.
  • Share the message with someone who needs inspiration.
  • Write your thoughts on this quote in a journal or blog post.
  • Use it as a daily affirmation or reminder.

Closing Thoughts

Quotes like this endure because they capture universal truths. They comfort us in solitude and empower us in groups. Carry this quote forward — live by its wisdom, share its message, and keep its essence alive.

Views: 6
Topic
Tonight
Irs
Want
More From Jay Leno
Michael Jackson Has A New Baby Boy; No Word Yet Who The Father Is.
Baby
Father
Boys
First There's The Promise Ring, Then The Engagement Ring, Then The Wedding Ring... Soon After... Comes Suffer...ring!
Marriage
Promise
Suffering
I'm Sure You Know By Now, Jesse Jackson Was Overheard Saying, And I'll Put This More Delicately, That He Wanted To Cut Barack Obama's Testicles Off. And Jesse Has Been On Several News Programs The Last Couple Of Days, Explaining What He Meant By Those Comments. Do You Need To Explain That?
Couple
Cutting
Needs
I Don’t Like Goodbyes, Nbc Does.
Goodbye
Nbc
Doe
The Washington Bullets Are Changing Their Name. They Don't Want Their Team To Be Associated With Crime. From Now On, They'll Just Be Known As The Bullets.
Team
Names
Want
A New Study Shows That American Students Are Becoming Less Proficient In Science, And If The Trend Continues, We Will Become A Nation That's Science And Chemistry Illiterate. And You Thought A Lot Of Meth Labs Are Blowing Up Now?
Trends
Labs
Becoming
And Ralph Nader, God Bless Him, Still Out There Campaigning. Ralph Nader Said Today He Has Set A Record For The Most Campaign Speeches Given In One Day. He Gave 21 Speeches In One Day. Of Course, We Have To Take His Word For It, Because Of Course, There Are No Witnesses.
One Day
Campaigns
Records
Scientists Think They Can Now Clone An All-white Zebra. Now, I'm No Expert, But Isn't That A Horse?
Horse
Zebras
Thinking
The Heaviest Snowfall In Over 60 Years Is Being Reported In Beijing, China. To Give You An Idea Of How Bad It Is, The Army Is Now Using Snowplows To Run Over Dissidents.
Running
Army
Ideas
The Sacramento Bee Is Reporting That Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Not Going To Run For Governor. You Know What Would Be Better? Arnold Should Do What He Does In The Terminator Movies. He Should Go Back In Time And Prevent Gray Davis From Ever Being Born. That Way You Wouldn't Have The Problem.
Running
Doe
Would Be
Hillary Clinton Said She Hopes America Is Ready For A Woman In The Oval Office. That Was The Great Thing About Her Husband Bill: He Was Always Ready For A Woman In The Oval Office.
Husband
America
Office
Today The Justice Department Released E-mails Where Walker Criticized America. In The E-mails He Said He Never Wanted To Set Foot In America Again. See, That's The Good Part About Hanging Somebody. Their Feet Don't Touch The Ground.
America
Feet
Justice
The Mars Rover Curiosity Has Sent Back Images Of Some Odd Things On The Surface Of Mars, And Some People Think They Could Be Ufos. Here's My Question. If We're On The Surface Of Mars, Aren't We The Ufo?
Thinking
People
Curiosity
There Is A Video Out Now On How To Please Men. Here's Tip Number 1: Just Show Up!
Men
Numbers
Video
For The First Time The People Of Iraq Are United. Today On Cnn I Saw A Kurd, A Shiite And A Member Of The Republican Guard Coming Together To Cart Off A Big Screen Tv.
Iraq
Cnn
People
All I Ask Is That You Tip Your Waiters And Waitresses. We Have To Turn This Situation Around.
Waitress
Situation
Turns
With The Presidential Debates Right Around The Corner, John Kerry Is Going To Play Mitt Romney To Help The President Prepare For The Debates. That's Kind Of A Stretch; A Rich White Guy From Massachusetts Playing A Rich White Guy From Massachusetts.
Play
White
Guy
Senator Chris Dodd Unveiled His Plan To Reduce Corruption In The Senate. He's Retiring.
Corruption
Retiring
Plans
Former U.s. House Majority Leader, Tom Delay, Has Been Sentenced To Three Years In Prison. One Year For Money Laundering And Two More For His Performance On 'dancing With The Stars.'
Stars
Majority Leader
Years
Jesse Jackson Was Involved In A Three-car Crash This Weekend. I Understand That No One Was Hurt, But I Understand That Two Of The Women In The Other Cars Are Now Pregnant.
Hurt
Weekend
Two
A Christmas Tree--the Perfect Gift For A Guy. The Plant Is Already Dead.
Funny
Christmas
Humorous
At The Sharper Image Store, I Saw A Body Fat Analyzer. Didn't That Used To Be Called A Mirror?
Mirrors
Saws
Body
According To The Washington Post, The Nsa Has Been Monitoring Phone Calls And Emails Of People In Mexico. So Apparently It's Not Enough To Spy On American Citizens, They Feel They Have To Spy On Future American Citizens As Well.
Phones
Nsa
People
Family Planning Experts Are Now Recommending Giving Men Vasectomy Gift Cards For The Holidays. Talk About Taking The Jingle Out Of The Bells.
Holiday
Men
Giving
In Business News, Chocolate Maker Nestle Is Buying Jenny Craig. Well, That Says It All You Need To Know About The War On Obesity, Doesn't It? It's Over! Apparently We Surrendered!
War
Chocolate
Buying
They Say That Most Airline Seats On Planes Today Are Meant For 170-pound Passengers. The Last Time The Average American Weighed 170 Pounds, The Wright Brothers Were Flying The Plane.
Brother
Average
Flying
Texas Governor Rick Perry Now Says His Wife Has Been Encouraging Him To Run For President. Remember First He Told Us God Told Him To Run; Now His Wife Is Telling Him To Run. Of Course, The Big Difference; If You Ignore What God Says You Don't Have To Hear About It Until The Afterlife. That's The Only Difference.
Running
Differences
Texas
I'm A Staunch Independant. Every Time I Think I Am A Republican, They Do Something Greedy, And Every Time I Think I Am A Democrat, They Go And Do Someting Stupid.
Stupid
Thinking
Republican
The Good News Is, President Obama Was Born In America. The Bad News Is, So Was Donald Trump.
America
President
News
Presidential Democratic Front-runner Howard Dean Admitted To Chris Matthews On The 'hardball' Show That He Got Out Of The Draft Because Of A Bad Back. He Had A Curvature Of The Spine. Apparently It Curved Too Far To The Left.
Presidential
Dean
Spine
I Went Into A Mcdonald's Yesterday And Said, 'i'd Like Some Fries.' The Girl At The Counter Said, 'would You Like Some Fries With That?'
Girl
Food
Mcdonalds
French Troops Arrived In Afghanistan Last Week, And Not A Minute Too Soon. The French Are Acting As Advisers To The Taliban, To Teach Them How To Surrender Properly.
Acting
Troops
Lasts
Did You Hear About This 20-year-old Kid Named John Walker From Northern California Who Was Apparently Fighting For The Taliban?... It Didn't Take Long For The Tv Networks To Jump On This Walker Thing. Cbs Has A New Show: 'walker: Taliban Ranger.'
Kids
Fighting
Years
Don't Forget Mother's Day. Or As They Call It In Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Smile
Mothers Day
Mom
The Other Night, President Bush's Press Conference Was Pre-empted By 'american Idol.' You Know The Difference Between President Bush And 'american Idol?' See, On 'american Idol,' The One With The Most Votes Wins.
Winning
Night
Idols
Your Preoccupation Should Be On Doing What You Do As Well As You Can.
Preoccupation
Should
Wells
Disneyland Celebrated Its 40th Anniversary By Burying A Time Capsule. They Say It Will Be Dug Up In 50 Years - Or When The Last Person In Line At Space Mountain Gets To The Front, Whichever Comes First.
Space
Years
Mountain
A New Study Says That Working Fewer Hours Can Slow Global Warming. So You Know What That Means? President Obama's Economic Policy Is Also His Climate Change Policy.
Mean
President
Climate
In A Landmark Decision, The Supreme Court Ruled President Obama's Healthcare Mandate Is Constitutional. This Is A Major Victory For President Obama, Who Spent Three Years Promoting It, And A Major Setback For Mitt Romney, Who Spent Three Years Creating It.
Years
Creating
Decision
A Student At The University Of Wisconsin In Madison Spent 90 Days Technology Free. He Went Without A Cell Phone, Facebook, Twitter, Or Any Social Media Of Any Kind. And You Know What Really Improved? His Driving!
Technology
Phones
Cells
Well, The Big Story -- Hillary Clinton Will Be Running For President In 2008. You Know Why I Think She's Running? I Think She Finally Wants To See What It's Like To Sleep In The President's Bed.
Running
Sleep
Thinking
British Scientists Say They Have Developed A Super Broccoli That Can Help Fight Heart Disease. You Know, If You Want To Fight Heart Disease, Why Don't You Come Up With A Food People Will Actually Eat? Like A Super Glazed Doughnut.
Heart
Fighting
People
Well, Joe Biden Has Done It Again. He Showed Up At The White House Passover Seder With A Bunch Of Ham Sandwiches.
White
House
Sandwiches
Contact With The Customer Is What Business Is All About.
Contact
Customers
The White House Begun Airing Their Tv Commercials To Re-elect The President, And The John Kerry Campaign Is Condemning His Use Of 9/11 In The Ads. He Said, It Is Unconscionable To Use The Tragic Memory Of A War In Order To Get Elected, Unless Of Course, It's The Vietnam War.
Memories
War
Order
A Team Of British Lawyers Has Now Concluded That The Declaration Of Independence Was Illegal, And The American Colonies Had No Right To Secede From England. Well, You Thought Our Court System Was Backed Up.
Team
Independence
England
A Man In Florida Has Been Arrested For Wearing A President Obama Mask While Robbing A Mcdonald's. To Show You How Good This Guy's Disguise Was, Instead Of A Holdup Note He Was Reading From A Teleprompter.
Reading
Men
Florida
They Say Hot Dogs Can Kill You. How Do You Know It's Not The Bun?
Dog
Hot
Buns
Mitt Romney Is Predicting That As President, He Will Create 12 Million Jobs In His First Term. Well, President Obama Says A Romney Presidency Would Result In Lost Jobs. Yeah, His And Biden's.
Jobs
President
Biden
It Is Day Two Of The Democratic Convention, And Apparently They Had A Huge Lighting Problem In The Convention Hall Today. They Worked All Day On It. They Still Couldn't Get President Obama Out Of Bill Clinton's Shadow.
Two
President
Shadow
Yesterday Gary Condit Spent The Whole Day Attending An Agricultural Meeting. Boy, That's When You Know A Congressman's In Real Trouble: When He Spends The Whole Day Actually Working.
Real
Boys
Yesterday
I Guess You Heard About This; The U.s. Olympic Committee Is Coming Under Fire After It Was Revealed That The Uniforms For Team Usa To Be Worn In The Opening Ceremony Were Made In China. Turns Out They Were Made By Some Of The Same Kids Who Could Beat Us In Gymnastics. That's The Worst Part.
Funny
Team
Kids
Do You Know What White House Correspondents Call Actors Who Pose As Reporters? Anchors.
Anchors
White
House
John Kerry Described His Republican Critics As 'the Most Crooked, Lying Group I've Ever Seen.' Now, That's Saying Something, Because Kerry's Both A Lawyer And A Politician.
Lying
Groups
Lawyer
In An Exclusive Interview With The Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump Said "i Believe In God." But Of Course The Donald Was Talking About Himself.
Christian
Believe
Talking
The Bush Administration Said Today There Is A Lot Of Support For Us To Attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, They're All Lining Up.
Iraq
Support
Today
The White House Is Defending President Obama's Sports Activities Over The Past Week, Saying That Everyone Needs Leisure Time. Thanks To These Economic Policies, 9.5 Percent Of Americans Have All The Leisure Time They Need.
Sports
Past
White
Yesterday Morning Facebook Was Temporarily Offline, Leaving Millions Of Workers Unable To Do Anything Except Their Jobs.
Morning
Jobs
Yesterday
The Military Said We'll Be Able To Confirm Saddam Is Dead With Dna Testing. Apparently We Have A Sample Of His Dna. So Monica Lewinsky Is Working For The Cia?
Military
Dna
Able
The Best Way To Ruin A Comedy Is To Throw A Lot Of Money At It.
Way
Ruins
Comedy
Michele Bachmann Said That If She Is Elected President, She Would Consider Eliminating The Department Of Education Because "the States Could Do A Gooder Job.
Jobs
President
States
Not A Good Night For President Obama. He Lost Elections In Virginia, New Jersey, And He's Not Doing Good In Afghanistan Either.
Good Night
Virginia
President
The Olympics Start On Friday, And Russia Is Implementing The Most Intensive Security In Olympics History. During The Games, The Government Will Monitor Every Email, Every Social Media Message, And Listen In On Every Phone Call. In Fact, People Are Even Comparing Russia To The United States, That's How Bad It Is.
Friday
Russia
Phones
The Difference Between Men And Women Is That Men Love The 3 Stooges, And Women Think They're Assholes.
Men
Thinking
Differences
Kentucky Fried Chicken.. Kfc... Keep Fooling Customers.
Kentucky
Kfc
Chickens
President Clinton And President Obama Played A Round Of Golf Over The Weekend. President Clinton Asked Obama What His Handicap Was, And Obama Said, 'joe Biden.'
Golf
Weekend
President
President Obama Is Coming Under Criticism Now For Not Meeting With His Jobs Council. He Hasn't Met With His Jobs Council In Over Six Months. You Know The Reason Obama Hasn't Met With His Job Council In Six Months? They're All Out Looking For Jobs.
Jobs
Criticism
President
A Second Homeland Security Official Has Been Arrested, A 49-year-old Guy Named Frank Figueroa, He Was Caught Exposing And Fondling Himself To A Teenage Girl In A Shopping Mall In Florida. Do You Realize? If Osama Bin Laden Was A 14-year Old Girl, We Would Have Had Him By Now. ... Who Is Going To Start Protecting Us From The Department Of Homeland Security? ... It Kind Of Makes You Long For The Good Old Wholesome Days Of The Clinton Administration.
Girl
Teenage
Florida
You Know, It Shows How Old I Am. I Can Remember The Good Old Days When The President Picked The Supreme Court Justices Instead Of The Other Way Around.
Justice
President
Way
They Determined Who Got The First Question By A Coin Toss, To Which Sarah Palin Said, 'oh, What A Coincidence, That's How I Got Picked.'
Firsts
Coins
Toss
Worried About An Irs Audit? Avoid What's Called A Red Flag. That's Something The Irs Always Looks For. For Example, Say You Have Some Money Left In Your Bank Account After Paying Taxes. That's A Red Flag
Red Flags
Taxes Funny
Example
In His Speech Last Night, John Kerry Said This Was The Beginning Of The End Of The Bush Administration. I Agree. Sure, It May Take Another Five Years, But This Is It.
Night
Years
Lasts
John Kerry Said Today He Wants To Debate President Bush Once A Month. Hey Good Luck, If Bush Couldn't Make It To The National Guard Once A Month, He's Not Going To Show Up For This.
Good Luck
President
Hey
Senator John Kerry Released His Plan Today To Eliminate The Deficit. He Said All We Have To Do Is Find A Really Rich Country Like Switzerland And Marry It.
Country
Rich Countries
Switzerland
Anybody Who Gives Their Car To A Valet Isn't A Car Guy
Giving
Car
Guy
It Really Kind Of Looks Like Now That John Kerry Is On His Way To The Presidential Nomination. The Only Thing That Can Sink John Kerry Now Is An Al Gore Endorsement.
Presidential
Looks
Nominations
And Under The New Guidelines Issued By The Obama Administration, Federal Agents Will Not Pursue Pot-smoking Patients In States That Allow Medical Marijuana. This New Policy Is Called 'don't Ask, Don't -- What Was I Talking About?'
Marijuana
Talking
Smoking
(the Weakest Link) Is Fascinating Program. They Ask A Bunch Of People Questions And They Keep Getting Rid Of The Dumbest Person, So Just The Smartest Person Is Left. It Is Kind Of The Opposite Way We Elect A President.
Opposites
People
President
In South Korea, A Scientist Considered To Be One Of The Pioneers In The Field Of Cloning Has Been Sentenced To Two Years In Prison. At Least, They Think It's Him.
Thinking
Korea
Years
President Obama Admitted This Week That A Former Girlfriend That He Wrote About In His Autobiography Was Made Up And Not A Real Person . . . So Obama Had An Imaginary Girlfriend. Big Deal! He Had An Imaginary Economic Plan. It’s All The Same.
Girlfriend
Real
President
The Mayans Have Predicted The World Is Supposed To End On December 21. If The World Doesn't End On December 21, You Can Bet The Next Day The Malls Will Be Overrun With Mayans Trying To Buy Last-minute Gifts.
Next Day
Trying
World
A Lot Of American Companies Are Now Moving Into Iraq. Iraq Now Has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell And Popeye's Fried Chicken. So, Great, Instead Of Oil For Food, We're Giving Them Oil In Food.
Moving
Oil
Iraq
President Bush Listed His Income As $822,000. You Know What John Kerry Calls Someone Who Earns $822,000? Not Even Worth Dating.
Dating
President
Income
The Entire Spring And Summer Line From Marc Jacobs Was Stolen On The Way To The Fashion Show In Paris. The Thief Is Considered Armed And Fabulous.
Summer
Fashion
Spring
Remember When Obama Was Campaigning? Didn't He Say He Was Going To Close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't He Say That? Apparently, He Just Meant For Renovations.
Remember
Renovation
Guantanamo Bay
I Don't Know Why People Are Surprised The French Don't Want To Help Us Get Saddam Out Of Iraq. After All, France Wouldn't Help Us Get The Germans Out Of France.
Iraq
People
Want
U.s. Government Has Said They Are Now Going To Go After The Terrorist's Electronic Banking System. You Know What They Should Do? They Should Transfer Bin Laden's Funds To My Bank. They'd Mess Up His Deposits, Screw Up His Statement And Nickel And Dime Him To Death With Service Charges.
Government
Screw Ups
Dimes
There's This Big Pie In Show Business, And You Physically Can't Eat The Whole Pie. If You Give Everybody A Slice Of Pie, You Will Still Have More Than Enough. The Real Trick Is Not To Try To Get The Whole Pie, But To Keep The Biggest Slice.
Real
Pie
Giving
Stephen Hawking Is Getting A Divorce. That's Scary. If The Smartest Guy In The World Can't Figure Out Women, We're Screwed.
Divorce
Guy
Scary
Here's The Latest From The Pentagon -- The Generals Are Worried That The White House Is Spreading Itself Thin By Trying To Fight A War On Two Fronts; Afghanistan And Fox News.
War
Fighting
Two
President Bush Said The Other Day The War Is Not About Timetables. It's About Winning. Hey, It Worked In Florida.
War
Winning
Florida
There's A New Osama Bin Laden Video. He's The Only Person That Is Looking Thin During The Holidays. How Does He Do It? I Think He's Going To Jenny Craig.
Holiday
Thinking
Doe
My Stockbroker Asked Me Something Important Today: Paper Or Plastic?
Important
Paper
Today
A Review Of Studies By Physicians Found That Excessive Exercise Is Bad For Your Heart. Another Study Says A Daily Serving Of Chocolate Is Actually Good For Your Heart. That's Got To Make Next Year New Year's Resolution Easier To Keep. "i'm Going To Exercise Less. Eat A Little More Chocolate.
New Year
Heart
Exercise
We're Heading For A Gov. Shutdown. This Is Serious. W/o The Gov Who Will Fail To Inspect Our Airplanes? Who Will Fail To Secure Our Borders? Who Will Put Us 14 Trillion Dollars In Debt?
Airplane
Borders
Dollars
Did You Hear About The Dog That Was So High-strung, He Developed A Nervous Tick?
Dog
Nervous
Tick
John Kerry Speaks French Fluently. Democrats Are Saying He's One In A Million. A War Hero Who Speaks French, Isn't It More Like One In A Trillion?
War
Hero
Speaks French
Services Were Held Today For Ken Lay - Convicted Thief And Crook Ken Lay.they Folded His Arms Across His Chest And Sowed His Sleeves Together So He Couldn't Put His Hands In Anyone's Pockets When They Walked By. You Know When They Say In A Eulogy, "you're All Richer For Having Known Him." I Don't Think They're Going To Hear That.
Thinking
Hands
Eulogy
John Kerry Suspended His Campaign For Five Days This Week In Honor Of President Reagan. And Right Now, He's Ahead In The Polls. How's That Make Him Feel? Disappears For A Week And He's Up In The Polls. What Else Can He Do Now But Go Into Hiding.
Honor
President
Campaigns
Romney Raised $10 Million. That’s A Dollar For Every Position He’s Had On Healthcare.
Dollars
Healthcare
Raised
I Went To See That Movie 'from Hell,' Or As Osama Bin Laden Calls It - 'roots.'
Roots
Osama Bin Laden
Hell
Today Is February 14th - St. Valentine's Day. Women Call It Love Day, While Men Name It As Extortion Day.
Valentines Day
Men
Names
President Obama Told The Irish People That America Will Always Stand By Them, To Which Israel Laughed.
Israel
America
People
Yesterday All Five Living Presidents Gathered For The Opening Of The George W. Bush Presidential Library In Dallas. Well, Six Living Presidents If You Count Hillary In 2016.
Yesterday
Presidential
Library
New Year's Eve, Where Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot. Unless, Of Course, Those Tests Come Back Positive.
New Year
Holiday
Years
Studies Show American Students Are Becoming Less Proficient In Math. Experts Say We Should Have Seen This Coming, But Nobody Could Put 2 And 2 Together.
Math
Should Have
Together
Really? Anyone Intimidated By Barack Obama? He Can't Even Keep Joe Biden In Line.
Biden
Lines
Barack
A Survey Has Shown That The Average Man Has Had Sex In A Car 15 Times. Something To Keep In Mind Next Time You're Looking For A Used Car.
Sex
Men
Average
If I Have One Advantage, It's That I Will Try To Work Harder Than The Next Guy.
Hard Work
Guy
Trying
Happiness Is A Privilege.
Privilege
Folks, Tomorrow America Will Get To Hear Those Four Words We've Been Waiting For: "former President George Bush".
America
Waiting
President
Every Year Steve Kaufman Supports The Charity “love Ride” By Donating A Painting To This Cause.
Years
Support
Causes
Bush Fell Off His Bike While Mountain Biking On His Ranch Over The Weekend. He Hit A Rough Spot In The Trail. There's A Switch - The Environment Hurting Bush.
Hurt
Weekend
Mountain
Apparently, Osama Bin Laden Was Killed With Money And Phone Numbers Sewn Into His Clothing. So We Got Him Right Before He Left For Summer Camp.
Summer
Phones
Numbers
President Bush Demanded That Kerry Apologize. Can You Imagine That -- Bush Demanding An Apology For Someone Stumbling Over His Words? ... Kerry Should Have Tried The Bush Strategy: Say So Many Stupid Things, No One Cares Anymore.
Stupid
Apology
Should Have
Former Vice President Al Gore Starring In A New Documentary About Global Warming. I Believe It's Called [leno Snores]. ... The Film Actually Features Al Gore And Explores His Journey On How He First Got Interested In Temperature Change. It Started Back When He Was Vice President. He Noticed How The Temperature Would Change, Like Whenever Bill Would Walk Into The Room, It Would Get Warm And Whenever Hillary Walked Into The Room, It Got Cold.
Believe
Journey
President
Now There Are More Overweight People In America Than Average-weight People. So Overweight People Are Now Average. Which Means You've Met Your New Year's Resolution.
Funny
New Year
Mean
John Kerry Went Hunting Today. He Said He Killed A Goose. He Didn't Bring Teresa Along Because He Was A Little Rusty And He Was Afraid He Might Kill The Goose That Laid The Golden Egg.
Hunting
Eggs
Littles
The Key To A Long And Healthy Marriage Is That, Honestly, There's Nothing Worth Fighting About.
Inspirational
Fighting
Keys
Gas Stations Are Considering Hiring Security Guards. Why Are They Getting Security Guards? We're The Ones Getting Robbed.
Security Guards
Gas Stations
Hiring
The Games Haven't Even Started Yet And Already There Are People Complaining About The Horrible Accommodations At The Sochi Olympic Village. Toilets Don't Flush. The Faucets Spew Discolored Water. They Say It's Like Being On A Royal Caribbean Cruise.
Games
People
Water
A Democratic Congressman Said That He Worries That The Irs Scandal Might Have A Chilling Effect On The Ira And That They Might Be Afraid To Audit People. So Finally Some Good Is Coming Out Of All Of This.
People
Worry
Ira
A Libyan Rebel Has Admitted To Killing Moammar Gadhafi. He Said He Shot Gadhafi Twice In The Temple, To Which Michele Bachmann Said, "i Didn't Even Know The Guy Was Jewish.
Guy
Temples
Rebel
Form 1040 Was Chosen By The Irs Because For Every $50 You Earn, You Get 10 And They Get 40.
Liberty
Irs
Libertarian
When You Do Late-night Tv, You Do Different Jokes In The Same Place Every Night. When You're On The Road As A Comedian, You Do The Same Jokes In A Different Place Every Night.
Night
Comedian
Different
John Kerry Now Getting Slammed By The Republicans Because Of A Botched Joke He Did About President Bush And Iraq In A Recent Speech. Kerry Was Stunned About This. He Said, 'what? People Are Listening To My Speeches?'
Iraq
People
Listening
Anheuser-busch Gives Two Free Cases Of Beer To Its Employees At All Of Its Parks, Like Busch Gardens. That's A Comforting Thought The Next Time You're Getting Ready To Get On The Roller Coaster!
Beer
Garden
Two
65% Of People Say That Cheating On Your Income Tax Is Worse Than Cheating On Your Spouse. The Other 35% Were Women.
Cheating
People
Income
The New Specialty At The Iowa Fair This Year Is Fried Butter On A Stick. Of Course, If You're Like Me And You Want Like To Eat Healthy, Get Your Stick Of Butter Baked.
Iowa
Years
Healthy
As If This Whole Thing Isn't Confusing Enough, Election Officials Announced This Week That The Alphabet On The Ballot Will Begin With The Letter R, Then W, Then Q. You Know, Even Sesame Street Is Laughing At California Now.
California
Laughing
Confusing
A New Study Shows That The Child Population In San Francisco Is Dwindling And In Fact San Francisco Has The Smallest Share Of Children Of Any Major City In The United States. That's Odd, Huh? For Some Reason Couples In San Francisco Don't Seem To Be Reproducing As Much As Couples In Other Cities. Gee, I Wonder What The Problem Is There? You Think It Might Be Something In The Rice-a-roni?
Children
Couple
Thinking
The Democrats Are All Over This. Democratic Strategists Feel John Kerry's War Record Means He Can Beat Bush. They Say When It Comes Down To It Voters Will Always Vote For A War Hero Over Someone Who Tried To Get Out Of The War. I'll Be Sure To Mention That To Bob Dole When I See Him.
War
Hero
Mean
Sarah Palin Has Admitted She Tried Marijuana Several Years Ago, But She Did Not Like It. She Said It Distorted Her Perceptions, Impaired Her Thinking, And She's Hoping That The Effects Will Eventually Wear Off.
Marijuana
Thinking
Years
Paris Hilton Got 45 Days In Jail. A Lot Of People Were Upset About This - They Were Hoping For The Death Penalty.
Paris
Jail
People
More And More Details Coming Out Now About Spoiled Rich Kid Osama Bin Laden. Time Reports This Week He Was One Of 52 Kids. Mother Must Be Exhausted. This Guy Inherited $80 Million At Age 13 And Has Since Expanded It To $300 Million Through Construction, Smart Investments And Gas And Oil Investments. This Way, He Can Use The Money In His War Against Capitalism.
Mother
War
Smart
President Bush Said He Was 'troubled' By Gay People Getting Married In San Francisco. He Said On Important Issues Like This The People Should Make The Decision, Not Judges. Unless Of Course We're Choosing A President, Then He Prefers Judges.
Gay
San Francisco
Issues
Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama Announced His New Economic Team. You Know What He Should Do? Hire Those People Who Were In Charge Of His Fundraising Campaign. We Can Pay This Thing Off In Like A Week.
Team
Yesterday
Fundraising
Now This Really Annoys Me: All These People Getting On The Internet And Saying Nostradamus Predicted This. If Nostradamus Were Alive Today His Name Would Be Miss Cleo And He'd Be Charging $2.99 A Minute.
Names
People
Missing
Know What The Taliban Leaders Like To Do For Fun? Just Sit Around And Get Bombed.
Fun
Leader
Taliban
The Bush Administration Has Apparently Approved A Plan To Oust Saddam Hussein. I Think That's President Bush's Father's Day Gift To His Dad.
Dad
Father
Thinking
George W. Bush Says He Spends Sixty To Ninety Minutes A Day Working Out. He Says He Works Out Because It Clears His Mind. Sometimes Just A Little Too Much.
Work Out
Mind
Littles
You Know What Arnold Schwarzenegger And Meg Whitman Have In Common? They Both Got In Trouble For Stiffing The Maid.
Meg
Maids
Common
If You Give Everybody A Slice Of Pie, You Will Still Have More Than Enough.
Inspirational
Pie
Giving
This Is My Favorite Story Of The Week. The Republican National Committee Is In Trouble After Spending Nearly $2,000 At A Bondage Club In Hollywood. You Know What I Call A Republican Who Spends A Lot Of Money In A Strip Club? A Democrat.
Stories
Clubs
Hollywood
Valentines Day Are Coming Up And A German Company Has Made Chokolate In Shapes Of Couples Making Love. I Don't Like Them... I Don't Want My Chokolate To Have More Fun Than Me.
Valentines Day
Couple
Fun
You Know What They Say When A Supermodel Gets Pregnant? Now She's Eating For One.
Funny Inspirational
Eating
Supermodel
President Bush Fell Off His Mountain Bike Down On His Ranch In Texas. A Couple Weeks Ago, John Kerry Fell Off His Bicycle. See, Doesn't This Make You Miss President Clinton? That Guy, He Could Ride Anything Without Falling Off.
Couple
Fall
Texas
Geraldo Has Returned To The States. See? I Told You Airline Security Was A Joke.
States
Airline Security
Jokes
U.n. Officials Said Today They Desperately Need $7 Billion To Help People Cope With Disasters, But They're Having A Hard Time Getting People To Send Rescue Money. Here's What The Un Should Do: Invest In Bad Mortgages, Run A Bank Into The Ground, Give Yourself A Bonus, Get Some Spa Treatments And, In No Time, The Government Will Send You $750 Billion.
Running
Hard Times
Government
General Wesley Clark Commented On Gore Endorsing Howard Dean. He Said Endorsements Don't Win Elections. Hey, In This Country, Votes Don't Even Win Elections.
Country
Winning
Hey
Ron Paul Is In Favor Of Letting States Legalize Marijuana, Prostitution, And Cocaine. So Even If He Doesn't Win, That's Going To Be One Heck Of An Election Night Party.
Party
Winning
Marijuana
Kerry Has Already Begun His Search For A Running Mate. They Say That Because John Edwards Still Has $50 Million In Campaign Money, Kerry Might Pick Him. Pick Him? Hey, For $50 Million, Kerry Will Marry Him.
Running
Campaigns
Hey
If Politicians All Told The Truth, We'd Be Out Of Business.
Politician
Ifs
If There Isn't A Parking Space Out Front Or I Can't See My Car From The Window, We're Eating Somewhere Else.
Somewhere Else
Space
Car
President Bush Spoke With The Amish. He Didn't Want To, But It Was The Only Group He Could Find That Wasn't Upset About The High Price Of Gas.
Upset
President
Groups
My Wife Loves Europe, But To Me It's A Bad Day At A Theme Park.
Humorous
Bad Day
Europe
The White House Has Now Released Military Documents That They Say Prove George Bush Met His Requirements For The National Guard. Big Deal, We've Got Documents That Prove Al Gore Won The Election.
Military
White
House
Chris Christie Has Officially Endorsed Mitt Romney For President. Christie Said President Obama Is 'shrinking The American Pie.' And Believe Me, If There's One Thing Christie Hates, It's A Small Pie.
Hate
Believe
Pie
Six Women Have Come Forward That Say Arnold Schwarzenegger Groped Them Without Their Consent. This Proves He Would Be A Hands-on Governor.
Hands
Would Be
Six
In A Speech Earlier Today President Bush Said If Iraq Gets Rid Of Saddam Hussein, He Will Help The Iraqi People With Food, Medicine, Supplies, Housing, Education - Anything That's Needed. Isn't That Amazing? He Finally Comes Up With A Domestic Agenda - And It's For Iraq. Maybe We Could Bring That Here If It Works Out.
Iraq
Medicine
People
These White House Scandals Are Not Going Away Anytime Soon. People In Kenya Are Now Saying He's 100 Percent American. That's How Bad It's Gotten.
White
People
House
President Obama Wants Congress To Increase The Minimum Wage. Believe Me, When It Comes To Doing The Minimum For Their Wage, Congress Knows What It's Talking About.
Believe
Talking
President
Bill Maher And I Are On Against Each Other, And We're Friends. He Can Do My Show Any Time He Wants, And I've Done Politically Incorrect Several Times. There's No Reason To Think Competition Has To Be Adversarial.
Friendship
Thinking
Competition
You've Got Bush And Gore Headed To The Supreme Court. You've Got George W. Bush's Intelligence Will Be Pitted Against Al Gore's Honesty. This Is More Like A Case For Small Claims Court.
Honesty
Als
Claims
Climate Experts Say We Should Tell Villagers In Developing Countries To Reduce The Amount Of Cooking Smoke They Generate To Help Fix Global Warming. You Know, It's As If These People Don't Hate Us Enough Already. I Mean, They Live In Mud Huts, They Have Thatch Roofs, Their Clothes Are Made Of Straw. We Pull Up In A Bunch Of Humvees And Suvs Going, 'hey, You Want To Cut The Smoke Out Of Here?'
Country
Hate
Mean
Vice President Cheney Is Also On Vacation. He's In Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What Better Place For A Guy Who Has Had 4 Heart Attacks Than A Place With Thin Air, Rugged Hiking And All-beef Dinners? Why Don't They Get Some Snow For Him To Shovel While He's Out There, Too?
Heart
Vacation
Air
Howard Dean Was Endorsed By Al Gore. Now, If Dean Could Get Gray Davis To Campaign For Him, That Would Put Him Over The Top.
Campaigns
Als
Dean
According To A British Poll, You've Only Got A One In Five Chance Of Achieving Your Childhood Career Ambition. Which Probably Explains Why You Don't Run Into That Many Cowboys, Princesses, Or Space Rangers.
Running
Princess
Ambition
According To New York Publishers, Bill Clinton Will Get More Money For His Book Than Hillary Clinton Got For Hers. Well, Duh. At Least His Book Has Some Sex In It.
Sex
New York
Book
President Bush Fell Off His Bicycle This Weekend And You Know What Was Really Sad? It's A Stationary Bike.
Weekend
President
Really Sad
With High Definition Tv, Everything Looks Bigger And Wider. Kind Of Like Going To Your 25th High School Reunion.
School
Looks
Definitions
Some Sad News, President Bush's Lapdog Passed Away. Gee, I Didn't Even Know Tony Blair Was Sick?
Sick
President
News
With Hurricanes, Tornados, Fires Out Of Control, Mud Slides, Flooding, Severe Thunderstorms Tearing Up The Country From One End To Another, And With The Threat Of Bird Flu And Terrorist Attacks, "are We Sure This Is A Good Time To Take God Out Of The Pledge Of Allegiance?
Country
Fire
Bird
John Kerry's Wife Teresa Heinz Is On The Cover Of Newsweek Magazine This Week And They Said That If He Is Elected President, She Will Be The Oldest First Lady In American History. But That Doesn't Bother John Kerry, He Said, 'to Me, She Looks Like A Million Bucks'
Wife
President
Looks
General Colin Powell Shocked A Lot Of People In Washington By Speaking Out Against President Bush's Policies, Saying That The World Is Beginning To Doubt The Moral Basis Of Our Fight Against Terrorism. That's What I Think He Said - It Was Hard To Hear Him Because He Was Being Hustled Out Of The Room To His Cell In Guantanamo Bay.
Fighting
Thinking
Cells
We Are In A Code Orange. Homeland Security Said Earlier Today That Everyone Should Have A Roll Of Duct Tape And Plastic Sheeting To Protect Your House In Event Of Terrorist Attacks. Who Came Up With This Idea? Macgyver?
Should Have
Ideas
Orange
Now, Today Is The Day We Honor, Of Course, The Presidents, Ranging From George Washington, Who Couldn't Tell A Lie, To George Bush, Who Couldn't Tell The Truth, To Bill Clinton, Who Couldn't Tell The Difference.
Lying
Today Is The Day
Differences
President Bush Announced Tonight That He Believes In Democracy And That Democracy Can Exist In Iraq. They Can Have A Strong Economy, They Can Have A Good Health Care Plan, And They Can Have A Free And Fair Voting. Iraq? We Can't Even Get This In Florida.
Strong
Believe
Florida
I Don't Know Why It's So Hard To Believe Women. You To Go Saudi Arabia And You Need Two Women To Testify Against A Man. Here You Need 25.
Believe
Men
Two
In People Magazine, Madonna Said Her Life Has Been Exhausting Since She Started Her World Tour. She Said There Isn't A Second Of Her Life That Isn't Taken Up Looking After Her Family Or Thinking Of Her Show - Her Day Is Filled With Problems Of Work And Family. Someone Should Tell Her, Everyone Else Calls That, Life.
Taken
Thinking
People
President Obama's Been Reaching Out To Iran, Reaching Out To Cuba, Reaching Out To Latin America. The Only Place He Can't Seem To Be Able To Reach Out To: Texas. ... Despite Governor Rick Perry Talking About How Texas Could Secede From The Union If It Wanted To, 75 Per Cent Of The People Who Live There Want To Stay In The United States. Of Course They Want To Stay. I Mean, After Spending All That Time And Effort Sneaking Across The Border To Get Here, Why Would They Want To Leave?
Latin
Mean
America
Johnny Walker, The American That Fought For The Taliban, Is Now Talking With An Arabic Accent. Have You Heard Him? It's Ridiculous. I Know How We Should Handle Him. Let's Bring Him Back Here And Take Him To Cleveland Browns Stadium And Dress Him Up As A Referee. They'll Know How To Take Care Of Him!
Talking
Care
Cleveland
After Saying The Jobs Bill Is Paid For, President Obama Now Says That It Will Be Paid For By Raising Taxes Over 10 Years. I Can't Figure Out If He's The Kind Of Guy Who Makes Infomercials, Or The Kind Of Guy Who Falls For Infomercials.
Jobs
Fall
Years
More Details Coming Out About Michael Jackson. It Seems His 13-year-old Accuser Testified Before A Grand Jury That Michael Had Seven Locks On His Bedroom Door. See, What Happened Was Whenever Michael Would Install One Lock, The Kid Would Grow An Inch Taller, And He'd Have To Put In Another One, And Then Another One, And Then Another One.
Kids
Doors
Years
I Love All These Politicians, They All Say The Same Thing - 'we'll Give California Back To The People.' Yeah, Great, Now That It's Not Worth Anything, They Want To Give It Back To Us.
California
People
Giving
It Turns Out Enron Workers Were Not Only Shredding Documents At Work, They Were Having Sex At Work. Having Sex And Shredding Documents. Those Are Two Things You Don't Want To Get Mixed Up.
Sex
Two
Want
Bush Is Smart. I Don't Think That Bush Will Ever Be Impeached, 'cause Unlike Clinton, Reagan, Or Even His Father, George W. Is Immune From Scandal. Because, If George W. Testifies That He Had No Idea What Was Going On, Wouldn't You Believe Him?
Father
Smart
Believe
Tonight Was The Cnn Primary Debate With The Four Remaining Candidates. It Was Kind Of A Change For Newt Gingrich. Usually When He's Arguing With Three People At Once, It's His Wife, His Ex-wife, And His Mistress.
Cnn
Wife
People
President Bush Went Out Touting His Economic Record In Ohio Last Week. Now This Is A State That Lost 225,000 Jobs Since Bush Took Office. You Know, If Bush Wants To Tout His Record, He Should Do It Somewhere Where The Bush Economy Has Actually Created Jobs, Like India, Or Thailand, Or China.
Jobs
Ohio
Office
Espn Has Announced That They Are Launching A 3-d Sports Network. Industry Analysts Say This Will Absolutely Revolutionize The Way Americans Don't Watch Soccer.
Soccer
Sports
Watches
There Are Now Reports That President Obama Will Name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry To Be The Next Secretary Of Defense. Apparently This Is Part Of America's New Defense Strategy To Bore Our Enemies To Death.
Names
America
Enemy
I Went To See The Terminator Movie The Other Night. Every Time Arnold Schwarzenegger Came On The Screen This Guy In Front Of Me Went 'booo! Booo!' And Was Throwing Stuff. I Had To Say 'governor Davis Just Shut Up And Sit Down!'
Night
Guy
Stuff
The University Of Nebraska Says That Elderly People That Drink Beer Or Wine At Least Four Times A Week Have The Highest Bone Density. They Need It - They're The Ones Falling Down The Most.
Fall
Wine
Beer
Cnn Found That Hillary Clinton Is The Most Admired Woman In America. Women Admire Her Because She's Strong And Successful. Men Admire Her Because She Allows Her Husband To Cheat And Get Away With It.
Cheating
Strong Women
Husband
L.a.'s Large Convenience Stores Are So Big They Can Accommodate Up To Twenty Armed Robbers At One Time.
Cities
Twenties
Stores
It's Just A Matter Of Time Before We Go Into Iraq And Get Saddam Hussein. I Think Just Before Bush Falls Below 50 Percent, That's When We'll Be Going.
Fall
Thinking
Iraq
Show Business Pays You A Lot Of Money, Because Eventually You’re Gonna Get Screwed.
Pay
Shows
Show Business
A Petition To Have Justin Bieber Deported Got Over 100,000 Signatures, Which Means The White House Now Has To Legally Rule On It. So Finally A Chance For Obama To Issue An Executive Order That Both Republicans And Democrats Can Agree On.
Mean
Order
White
Osama Bin Laden Has Hired 10 Look-alikes. Now, How Hard Up Do You Have To Be Before You Take That Job? There's No Way To Win! If Osama Dies, You Don't Get Paid. If You're Found, You Get Killed.
Jobs
Winning
Found You
Whitney Houston Rear-ended A City Bus With Her Sports Car, But No One Was Hurt. She Said She Didn't Know What Happened. One Minute She Was Concentrating On The Big White Line, And The Next, Boom!
Sports
Hurt
Cities
Trending Author
Bill Hicks
John Harvey Kellogg
Ann Bancroft
Walker Percy
Robert Casey
Christine Lagarde
Category
Information