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The Olympics Start On Friday, And Russia Is Implementing The Most Intensive Security In Olympics History. During The Games, The Government Will Monitor Every Email, Every Social Media Message, And Listen In On Every Phone Call. In Fact, People Are Even Comparing Russia To The United States, That's How Bad It Is.

-Jay Leno

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The Olympics Start On

Jay Leno

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The Olympics Start On Friday, And Russia Is Implementing The Most Intensive Security In Olympics History. During The Games, The Government Will Monitor Every Email, Every Social Media Message, And Listen In On Every Phone Call. In Fact, People Are Even Comparing Russia To The United States, That's How Bad It Is.

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African American

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Mass Destruction

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Native American

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Cigarette Smoke

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Some Members Of Congress Now Are Complaining They Are Underpaid. They Want To Propose A Pay Raise. You Can't Blame Them. A Lot Of Them Took A Big Income Hit When Enron Folded.

Some Sad News, President Bush's Lapdog Passed Away. Gee, I Didn't Even Know Tony Blair Was Sick?

Martha Stewart Is Now Under House Arrest. So She'll Go To Her $40 Million 153-acre Estate. So She's Going From The Big House To An Even Bigger House.

As They Do Every Year, Al-qaida Has Threatened To Disrupt And Ruin Christmas. You Know, We Already Have A Group That Disrupts And Ruins Christmas Every Year. They're Called Relatives.

The White House Approved An Exemption In Obamacare Coverage For Congress And Members Of Their Staff. Members Complained That The Affordable Care Act Will Cost Them Thousands Extra A Year In Premiums. Wait A Minute. It's Their Bill. If It's Too Expensive, Why Did They Name It The Affordable Care Act?

The Fbi Announced Today That They Are Now Looking For Osama Bin Laden's Financial Adviser. You Think This Guy Is In Demand. How Good Can He Be? His Top Client Is Living In A Cave And Driving A Donkey. It Doesn't Sound Like He Is Getting The Best Return On His Investments To Me.

People Don't Mind If You Have A Lot Of Money If They Know You're Working For It.

We Are In A Code Orange. Homeland Security Said Earlier Today That Everyone Should Have A Roll Of Duct Tape And Plastic Sheeting To Protect Your House In Event Of Terrorist Attacks. Who Came Up With This Idea? Macgyver?

Scientists Say They Have Developed A Car That Can Run On Water. The Only Catch Is, The Water Has To Come From The Gulf Of Mexico.

Have You Seen The Cover Of Newsweek? They Have Martha Stewart On The Cover, But It's Not Actually Martha. It's A Doctored Photo. They Put Martha's Head On A Slimmer Woman's Body. And Martha Was Very Upset About This. She Said, 'hey, If I Wanted My Face On Another Woman's Body, I'd Stay In Prison.'

The Senate Is Now Considering Increasing Government Subsidies For Corn Growers To Produce More Ethanol. If We Produce Enough Ethanol We Can Postpone Our Next Invasion Of A Middle Eastern Country For Two To Three Years.

We Ought To Thank President Bush. He Made It A Lot Easier For People To Do Taxes This Year. No Job, No Income Tax This Year.

As You Know, Today Was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day Here In Los Angeles. No, All Across The Nation They Had A Day Without Immigrants, Is What They Call It. Or, As Native Americans Call It, The Good Ol' Days.

Native American

Attorney General John Ashcroft Said There Is A New Credible Terrorist Threat. He Said Everything Is Under Control; Not To Panic. And Then He Went Back To His Harmonically Sealed Bunker.

Politics Is Just Show Business For Ugly People.

A Canadian Psychologist Is Selling A Video That Teaches You How To Test Your Dog's Iq. Here's How It Works: If You Spend $12.99 For The Video, Your Dog Is Smarter Than You.

President Obama Wants Congress To Increase The Minimum Wage. Believe Me, When It Comes To Doing The Minimum For Their Wage, Congress Knows What It's Talking About.

In Afghanistan, U.s. Troops Are Now Holding An American Man Who Has Been Fighting Alongside The Taliban. His Mother Says He Was Born In Washington, D.c. And His Father's A Lawyer. Well, That Explains It. ... He Surrendered To Authorities And Said He Wants To Go Back To His Old Job - Airline Security Guard.

Romney Raised $10 Million. That’s A Dollar For Every Position He’s Had On Healthcare.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Announced That He Is Going To Run For Governor On Our Program Last Night. My Staff Didn't Know, Arnold's Staff Didn't Know, I Was Shocked As Everyone Else. If He Doesn't Get Elected Governor, Maybe He Should Work For The Cia. I Mean, He Can Keep A Secret Better Than They Can.

There Is A New Book Out About Hillary Clinton That Claims Bill Is Still Having Affairs But Hillary Continues To Look The Other Way. The Only Problem Is When Hillary Does Look The Other Way Bill's Having Sex With A Women Over There Too.

Ashcroft Went On To Say That Our Way Of Life Is Being Threatened By A Group Of Radical Religious Fanatics Who Are Armed And Dangerous. And Then He Called For Prayers In The Schools And An End To Gun Control.

John Kerry Reportedly Flew In His Private Hairdresser Before His "meet The Press" Interview For A Total Cost Of $1,000. That's $1,000 For A Haircut, Which Sounds Like A Lot, But Have You Seen The Size Of Kerry's Head.

Whitney Houston Rear-ended A City Bus With Her Sports Car, But No One Was Hurt. She Said She Didn't Know What Happened. One Minute She Was Concentrating On The Big White Line, And The Next, Boom!

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