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When We Finally Have This Recall Election In October, There Could Be As Many As 200 People On The Ballot. And You Know What's Really Scary? Most Of Them Don't Know The First Thing About Driving A State Into Bankruptcy. They're Not Experts Like Governor Gray Davis.

-Jay Leno

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Jay Leno

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When We Finally Have This Recall Election In October, There Could Be As Many As 200 People On The Ballot. And You Know What's Really Scary? Most Of Them Don't Know The First Thing About Driving A State Into Bankruptcy. They're Not Experts Like Governor Gray Davis.

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President Bush Called Arnold To Congratulate Him Today, And After He Got Off The Phone, Arnold Said, 'i Thought My English Was Bad.'

Well, It Looks Like John Boehner Will Be The New Speaker Of The House. He Is The Son Of A Bartender, One Of 12 Children. He Grew Up In A Two Room Home With Just One Bathroom, Worked His Way Through School, Became The First Person In His Family To Graduate From College. And, Sadly, Fell In With The Wrong Crowd And Wound Up In Congress.

Former U.s. House Majority Leader, Tom Delay, Has Been Sentenced To Three Years In Prison. One Year For Money Laundering And Two More For His Performance On 'dancing With The Stars.'

Majority Leader

If I Could Ask Ken Lay One Question Right Now, Do You Know What It Would Be? "does The Devil Really Wear Prada?"

My Wife Loves Europe, But To Me It's A Bad Day At A Theme Park.

We Pick Politicians By How They Look On Tv And Miss America On Where She Stands On The Issues. Isn't That A Little Backwards?

President Obama Told A Group Of School Children That Broccoli Was His Favorite Food, And They Believed Him. Then He Told Them Obamacare Would Reduce The Deficit And The Kids All Busted Out Laughing.

The Sacramento Bee Is Reporting That Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Not Going To Run For Governor. You Know What Would Be Better? Arnold Should Do What He Does In The Terminator Movies. He Should Go Back In Time And Prevent Gray Davis From Ever Being Born. That Way You Wouldn't Have The Problem.

My Dad's Idea Of A Good Time Is To Go To Sears And Walk Around.

Apparently, Osama Bin Laden Was Killed With Money And Phone Numbers Sewn Into His Clothing. So We Got Him Right Before He Left For Summer Camp.

Sixty Years Ago This Week Hitler Invaded Poland. This Led To The Creation Of The History Channel.

Border Agents Have Now Been Issued Air Guns That Shoot Pepper Balls At People Coming Across The Mexican Border. Have They Thought This Through? Is That Going To Bother People From Mexico? Pepper Balls? Don't These People Eat Jalapenos? Isn't That Like Firing Meatballs At An Italian Guy?

Political Analysts Say That President Bush's Re-election Strategy Is To Try And Convince Americans That He's A War President. I Don't Get That, Do You Think That'll Work? I Mean, Don't You Think That If He Tries To Convince The American People That We Need A War President, Isn't He Afraid That They're Going To Vote For The Guy That Was Actually In A War?

Nineteen Percent Of Doctors Say That They'd Be Able To Give Their Patients A Lethal Injection. But They Also Went On To Say That The Patient Would Have To Be Really, Really Behind On Payments.

China Is Now Expected To Surpass Japan As The 2nd Richest Country In The World. They Could Become The Richest, But That's Only If We Pay Them The Money We Owe Them, And That's Not Going To Happen.

Anheuser-busch Gives Two Free Cases Of Beer To Its Employees At All Of Its Parks, Like Busch Gardens. That's A Comforting Thought The Next Time You're Getting Ready To Get On The Roller Coaster!

John Kerry Went Hunting Today. He Said He Killed A Goose. He Didn't Bring Teresa Along Because He Was A Little Rusty And He Was Afraid He Might Kill The Goose That Laid The Golden Egg.

Is It Me Or Is President Bush's Life Starting To Sound Like A Country Song. He's From Texas, His Dog Just Died, And It Looks Like He Might Lose His Job. Next Thing, His Truck Is Going To Break Down.

Iraq Began Destroying Those Missiles They Don't Have Over The Weekend. See, President Bush May Be The Smartest Military President In History. First, He Gets Iraq To Destroy All Of Their Own Weapons. Then He Declares War.

Financial Experts Are Saying We Are Entering A New Chapter In The American Economy. I Believe It's Chapter 11.

For The First Time The People Of Iraq Are United. Today On Cnn I Saw A Kurd, A Shiite And A Member Of The Republican Guard Coming Together To Cart Off A Big Screen Tv.

Facebook Has Revealed Their Estimated Net Worth - $96 Billion. That's Almost As Much Money As Businesses Lose Every Year From Their Employees Wasting Time Looking At Facebook.

Dean Is A Doctor But He Acts More Like A Postal Worker!

It’s Being Reported That The Economy Lost 95,000 Jobs In September. And That’s Just People Leaving The White House.

Rick Perry Was Philosophical About (his Election Losses). He Said, 'last Week Was Iowa. Yesterday Was New Hampshire. ' He Said At Least It's Giving Him A Chance To Learn The Names Of All The States.

For The First Time Ever, Women Are Scoring Higher Than Men On Iq Tests. Scientists Say It Has Something To Do With Breast Implants -- Not That It Makes The Women Smarter, It Just Makes The Men Dumber.

Now, Today Is The Day We Honor, Of Course, The Presidents, Ranging From George Washington, Who Couldn't Tell A Lie, To George Bush, Who Couldn't Tell The Truth, To Bill Clinton, Who Couldn't Tell The Difference.

Today Is The Day

The Fda Is Now Warning People Not To Eat Raw Cookie Dough This Holiday Season. Is That How Fat We're Getting In This Country? Our Ovens Are Too Slow Now?

Saddam Hussein Also Challenged President Bush To A Debate. The Butcher Of Baghdad Vs. The Butcher Of The English Language.

As We Watched Judge Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings, All Of The Commentators Said The Same Thing: 'one Of These People In The Room Is Lying.' Do You Believe That? You've Got Two Lawyers And 14 Senators In The Room, And Only One Of Them Is Lying?

The Federal Government Said Today They've Begun Training Sessions For Airport Security Workers To Provide What They Call More Customer Satisfaction To The Travels, They Want To Make It Easier For Us. They're Instructing Security Guards To Glance At Your Luggage Tags So That They Can Call You By Your First Name. Isn't That Creepy? The Guy Touching Your Wife, Calling Her By Her First Name.

Thousands Of Dead Fish Have Now Washed Up On Shore Along The Coast Of South Carolina. Today The Nra Said That This Wouldn't Have Happened If Those Fish Had Guns.

They Said That President Bush's War In Iraq Has Cost The Former Spanish Prime Minister His Job. So President Bush Isn't Losing American Jobs Anymore, He's Branching Out To Other Countries.

A New Poll Says That If The Election Were Held Today, Both John Kerry And John Edwards Would Beat President Bush By Double Digit Margins. The White House Is So Worried About This, They're Now Thinking Of Moving Up The Capture Of Osama Bin Laden To Next Month.

The Mayans Have Predicted The World Is Supposed To End On December 21. If The World Doesn't End On December 21, You Can Bet The Next Day The Malls Will Be Overrun With Mayans Trying To Buy Last-minute Gifts.

Saddam Hussein Is Dead, And Osama Bin Laden Is Dead. If You’re Moammar Gadhafi, Living In Exile Is Starting To Sound Really Good.

Osama Bin Laden

If God Had Wanted Us To Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates.

Political Wisdom

Barack Obama Spent His First Day As President-elect Putting Together His Transition Team. And If You Believe Msnbc, By Tomorrow He Will Have Chosen All 12 Of His Disciples.

You Know What's Sad About This? Not The Gambling, But The Best Way To Reach College Athletes Is The Cartoon Network.

Did You See Those Iraqis Making That Pilgrimage Slashing Their Foreheads With Knives And Whipping Their Backs With Chains. See, When Saddam Hussein Was Around They Weren't Allowed To Make That Pilgrimage. If They Tried That With Saddam Hussein, He Would Have Slashed Their Foreheads With Knives And Whipped Their Backs With Chains.

I'm Glad The Government Has Shut Down. Think About It, For The First Time In Years It's Safe To Talk On The Phone And Send Emails Without Anybody Listening In.

Experts Are Saying That President Bush's Goal Now Is To Politically Humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why Don't We Just Make Him The Next Democratic Presidential Nominee?

In Business News, Chocolate Maker Nestle Is Buying Jenny Craig. Well, That Says It All You Need To Know About The War On Obesity, Doesn't It? It's Over! Apparently We Surrendered!

A Congressman Actually Apologized To Bp's Ceo For The Way The Company Has Been Treated. How Stupid Are You When The Ceo Of Bp Is In The Room And People Think You're The Moron?

President Bush Said This Iraq Situation Looks Like 'the Rerun Of A Bad Movie.' Well Sure, There's A Bush In The White House, The Economy's Going To Hell, We're Going To War Over Oil. I've Seen This Movie, Haven't I?

Tonight The Republican Presidential Candidates Had A Big Debate, 10 Candidates. The Last Time That Many Rich White Guys Got Together, I Think Exxon Merged With Mobil.

A Survey Has Shown That The Average Man Has Had Sex In A Car 15 Times. Something To Keep In Mind Next Time You're Looking For A Used Car.

Here At Work, Obviously, I Make The Most Money Of Anyone On The Show, So I Try To Be The First One Here And The Last One To Leave. I Have The Crummiest Office. I Try To Balance Things Out, Spread It Around.

A Survey Released Today Found That Men Spend Twice As Much On Their Mistresses For Christmas As They Do On Their Wives. On The Other Hand, Men Spend Half Their Income On The Wives When The Wife Finds Out About The Mistress. So It All Balances Out.

Anybody Who Gives Their Car To A Valet Isn't A Car Guy

The Bush Administration Has Apparently Approved A Plan To Oust Saddam Hussein. I Think That's President Bush's Father's Day Gift To His Dad.

The Democratic Convention Is $27 Million In Debt. They Had To Cancel The Kick-off Event At The Charlotte Motor Speedway. A Speedway Is The Perfect Place For The Democratic Convention. You Go Around In Circles, Turn Left Every Few Seconds, And You End Up Right Where You Started.

A Lot Of Controversy Over This Possible Invasion Of Iraq. In Fact, Nelson Mandela Was So Upset, He Called Bush's Dad. How Embarrassing, When World Leaders Start Calling Your Father.

Here's An Interesting Figure: 43 Percent Of The Incoming Congressional Freshmen Are Millionaires. The Other 57 Percent Are Democrats.

A New Study Shows That The Child Population In San Francisco Is Dwindling And In Fact San Francisco Has The Smallest Share Of Children Of Any Major City In The United States. That's Odd, Huh? For Some Reason Couples In San Francisco Don't Seem To Be Reproducing As Much As Couples In Other Cities. Gee, I Wonder What The Problem Is There? You Think It Might Be Something In The Rice-a-roni?

I Tried To Log On To The Obamacare Website Today. I Don't Think I'm Doing It Right. I Lost 300 Bucks Playing Texas Hold 'em.

The Pentagon Still Has Not Given A Name To The Iraqi War. Somehow 'operation Re-elect Bush' Doesn't Seem To Be Popular.

President Obama And House Speaker John Boehner Played Golf This Weekend. Obama’s Handicap Is Joe Biden.

I Don't Mean To Harp On This, But It's Like The Networks Are A How-to Manual For Terrorists. You See Them On The News. This Reporter Is Standing Outside A Water Treatment Plant, Going, 'if They Poured The Poison Here It Could Wipe Out Thousands Because The Guard Is Off Duty From Noon Until 1 Every Day!'

I Guess You Heard, Hillary Clinton Has A New Campaign Slogan: "i've Fallen And I Can't Get Up!"

According To A Survey In This Week's Time Magazine, 85% Of Americans Think Global Warming Is Happening. The Other 15% Work For The White House.

Presidential Democratic Front-runner Howard Dean Admitted To Chris Matthews On The 'hardball' Show That He Got Out Of The Draft Because Of A Bad Back. He Had A Curvature Of The Spine. Apparently It Curved Too Far To The Left.

U.n. Officials Said Today They Desperately Need $7 Billion To Help People Cope With Disasters, But They're Having A Hard Time Getting People To Send Rescue Money. Here's What The Un Should Do: Invest In Bad Mortgages, Run A Bank Into The Ground, Give Yourself A Bonus, Get Some Spa Treatments And, In No Time, The Government Will Send You $750 Billion.

Martha Stewart Was Found Guilty On All Charges. You Know What That Means, Stripes Are In This Year.

When You Do Late-night Tv, You Do Different Jokes In The Same Place Every Night. When You're On The Road As A Comedian, You Do The Same Jokes In A Different Place Every Night.

President Bush Listed His Income As $822,000. You Know What John Kerry Calls Someone Who Earns $822,000? Not Even Worth Dating.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry Referred To The Mexican City Of Juarez As The Most Dangerous City In America. In His Defense, He Probably Just Thought It Was An American City Because There Were So Many Mexicans There.

The Crime Problem In New York Is Getting Really Serious. The Other Day The Statue Of Liberty Had Both Hands Up.

Apparently 26 Years Ago, Arnold Gave An Interview To Oui Magazine About His Sex Life. The Good News Is That Arnold Is Married To Maria Shriver And Now That He's Had A Sex Scandal, The Kennedy Family Has Finally Accepted Him.

Ambition Beats Genius 99% Of The Time

Hillary Clinton Said That Her Childhood Dream Was To Be An Olympic Athlete. But She Was Not Athletic Enough. She Said She Wanted To Be An Astronaut, But At The Time They Didn't Take Women. She Said She Wanted To Go Into Medicine, But Hospitals Made Her Woozy. Should She Be Telling People This Story? I Mean She's Basically Saying She Wants To Be President Because She Can't Do Anything Else.

Johnny Walker, The American That Fought For The Taliban, Is Now Talking With An Arabic Accent. Have You Heard Him? It's Ridiculous. I Know How We Should Handle Him. Let's Bring Him Back Here And Take Him To Cleveland Browns Stadium And Dress Him Up As A Referee. They'll Know How To Take Care Of Him!

The United States Military Is Now Using The Music Of Metallica And Other Heavy Metal Bands To Break The Will Of Saddam Hussein Supporters To Get Them To Talk. Theyre Blaring Heavy Metal Music At Them. That Should Make The Artist Feel Pretty Good, Huh? Put Your Heart And Soul Into Your Last Cd And The Army Is Using It To Torture People.

You Know What They Say When A Supermodel Gets Pregnant? Now She's Eating For One.

Funny Inspirational

I Like Cars That Are Ahead Of Their Times, And That Were Noble Failures Because They Were Built To A Higher Standard Than The Consumer Needed. Cars Like The Wills Sainte Claire Or The Duesenberg.

Changing The Story Until You Believe It.

Neural Scientists At M.i.t. Say They Can Plant False Memories In Your Brain. No, That Is Not New. Politicians Have Been Doing That For Years. They’re Called Campaign Promises.

Last Week Convicted Enron Crook Ken Lay Died Of A Heart Attack. They Announced They Were Going To Cremate Him. Where He's Going, Why Bother?.

Do You Have Any Idea How Cheap Stocks Are? Wall Street Is Now Being Called Wall Mart Street

Yesterday President Obama Said, 'we Can't Continue To Treat Tax Money Like Monopoly Money.' Oh Really - How Come All Those Guys On Wall Street Got 'get Out Of Jail Free' Cards?

President Obama Wants To Raise Taxes On The Country's Richest People. And You Thought Donald Trump Hated Him Before.

The New York Police Department Says Iran Has Conducted Surveillance Inside New York City. They Say Iranian Operatives Are Using Special Mobile Surveillance Units. I Believe They're Called Taxi Cabs.

Folks, We're Starting To Learn More And More About That Man Arrested In The New York Suv Car Bombing Case. His Name Is Faisal Shahzad. He's From Pakistan. What Tipped Off The Authorities He Might Be The Bomber? His Name Is Faisal Shahzad. He's From Pakistan.

President Bush Stopped Off At A Bass Pro Fishing Store To Pick Up A Fishing Reel, Some Line And Some Rubber Worms. He's Going To Disappear And Go Fishing. So He Must Think He's Back In The National Guard.

I Was Born The Day I Got My License. When I Was A Kid, If I Wanted To Go Somewhere And See Things, You Have To Get In Your Car And Actually Go.

A Dead Body Was Discovered This Week On The Grounds Of A Country Estate Owned By Queen Elizabeth. The Queen Said Today She Hopes This Serves As A Reminder To Anybody On Her Staff That There Is A Right Way And A Wrong Way To Polish Sterling Silver.

As You All Know By Now, Barack Obama Sent Out A Cell Phone Text Message At 3 A.m. On Saturday Morning To Tell Everyone He Picked Joe Biden As His Vice President. How Do You Think This Makes Hillary Clinton Feel, Huh? Finally, She Gets A Telephone Call At 3 A.m., It's To Tell Her They Picked Joe Biden.

Barack Obama's Daughters Are Very Smart. They Told Him They Will Take The Same Responsibility For The Dog That He Is Taking For The Economy. That Way, If The Dog Leaves A Mess In The White House, It'll Be Cleaned Up By Future Generations.

Really? Anyone Intimidated By Barack Obama? He Can't Even Keep Joe Biden In Line.

A New Study Finds That Women Use Their Whole Brain When Listening And Men Only Use Half Of Their Brain. You See, Men Use The Other Half Of Their Brain To Come Up With Excuses. I Don't Think Women Use Their Whole Brain When Listening. I Think They Use Half Of It And The Other Half Is Used To Memorize What Men Are Saying So They Can Use It Against Them 10 Years Later!

The Houston Astros Want To Change The Name Of Enron Field Where They Play. I Guess The Enron Name Could Cause Problems For Them. Like Players Could Steal A Base And Then Deny It.

We're Fighting Three Wars Now. Imagine How Many We'd Be Fighting If President Obama Hadn't Won The Nobel Peace Prize.

Experts Say That If We Go To War With Iraq, Oil Could Reach As Much As $80 A Barrel. Of Course, After The War It Will Be Free.

How Many Have Seen That Osama Bin Laden Footage? Pretty Scary. In Fact, Today, Nbc Ordered 13 More Episodes.

Bill Maher And I Are On Against Each Other, And We're Friends. He Can Do My Show Any Time He Wants, And I've Done Politically Incorrect Several Times. There's No Reason To Think Competition Has To Be Adversarial.

It Really Kind Of Looks Like Now That John Kerry Is On His Way To The Presidential Nomination. The Only Thing That Can Sink John Kerry Now Is An Al Gore Endorsement.

Here's The Latest From The Pentagon -- The Generals Are Worried That The White House Is Spreading Itself Thin By Trying To Fight A War On Two Fronts; Afghanistan And Fox News.

So, It's Pretty Crazy. Look, We're Bailing Out Wall Street, We're Bailing Out Banks, We're Bailing Out Car Companies. In Fact, Did You Know There's A Special Box On Your Tax Form This Year You Can Check If You Want A Portion Of Your Taxes To Actually Go To Running The Government?

The Other Day The Plane That Barack Obama Was On Had Some Mechanical Difficulties And Was Forced To Land. Well, The National Transportation Safety Board Did An Inspection On The Plane, And You Know What They Found? The Bolts On The Plane Were Fine, But Apparently Jesse Jackson Had Taken Some Of The Nuts Off.

I Think Donald Trump And Jeb Bush Are The Frontrunners. It's Kind Of Like The Race Between The Tortoise And The Bad Hair.

Al Gore Has Found A New Job. He Is Going To Teach Journalism At Columbia University, Which Is Ironic Isn't It? The Guy Who Did All The Coke Winds Up Going To The White House, The Guy Who Didn't Do Coke Goes To Columbia.

Osama Bin Laden Has Hired 10 Look-alikes. Now, How Hard Up Do You Have To Be Before You Take That Job? There's No Way To Win! If Osama Dies, You Don't Get Paid. If You're Found, You Get Killed.

Senator John Kerry Released His Plan Today To Eliminate The Deficit. He Said All We Have To Do Is Find A Really Rich Country Like Switzerland And Marry It.

I'm Sure You Know By Now, Jesse Jackson Was Overheard Saying, And I'll Put This More Delicately, That He Wanted To Cut Barack Obama's Testicles Off. And Jesse Has Been On Several News Programs The Last Couple Of Days, Explaining What He Meant By Those Comments. Do You Need To Explain That?

With Halloween Coming This Weekend, They Say Not One Person In The Country Is Planning To Dress Up As Governor Sarah Palin. You Know Why? ... The Costume Costs $150,000.

Some Sad News, President Bush's Lapdog Passed Away. Gee, I Didn't Even Know Tony Blair Was Sick?

Valentines Day Are Coming Up And A German Company Has Made Chokolate In Shapes Of Couples Making Love. I Don't Like Them... I Don't Want My Chokolate To Have More Fun Than Me.

Usain Bolt Won The Gold For The Men's 100- And 200-meter Dashes For The Second Olympics In A Row. You Know, He Has Been Running Since He Was In Elementary School - Kind Of Like Mitt Romney.

The White House Is Defending President Obama's Sports Activities Over The Past Week, Saying That Everyone Needs Leisure Time. Thanks To These Economic Policies, 9.5 Percent Of Americans Have All The Leisure Time They Need.

It's Just A Matter Of Time Before We Go Into Iraq And Get Saddam Hussein. I Think Just Before Bush Falls Below 50 Percent, That's When We'll Be Going.

They Say If The Warming Trend Continues, By 2015 Hillary Clinton Might Actually Thaw Out.

The Taliban Has Asked Osama Bin Laden To Voluntarily Leave The Country.they Said They Delivered Him A Note Asking Him To Leave, Which Is A Pretty Goodtrick Considering They Claim They Don't Even Know Where He Is.

Osama Bin Laden

Bin Laden Was Once Targeted By President Clinton. President Clinton Wanted To Kill Him But Couldn't Get Him. Of Course Not, We All Know What Kind Of Aim Clinton Has.

I Looked Up The Word Politics In The Dictionary, And It's Actually A Combination Of Two Words: Poli, Which Means 'many,' And Tics, Which Means 'bloodsuckers.'

Joe Biden Once Again Denied Stories That He Will Be Replaced On The Ticket In 2012. He Says He Will Continue To Embarrass President Obama For Another Four Years.

Political Experts Are Saying The Reason John Kerry Is Doing So Well Is Because He's 'electable.' Hey, So Was Al Gore - In Fact, He Even Got Elected And It Didn't Help Him At All.

It Happened Again This Week. Hundreds Of People Had To Be Evacuated From O'hare Airport In Chicago. Seems Every Time Somebody Went Through With A Weapon, The Metal Detectors Accidentally Went Off.

According To A Recent Survey, Men Say The First Thing They Notice About Women Is Their Eyes. And Women Say The First Thing They Notice About Men Is They're A Bunch Of Liars.

Funny Relationship

You Know What You Call The Two Winners Of That $580 Million Powerball Lottery? ... Former Democrats

55% Of All Americans Lose Their Remote Control 5 Times A Week. That Means That They Must See The Same Show For Up To 3-4 Minutes A Time!

What's Going On With The Oakland Raiders? You Know, I Don't Want To Say The Raiders Are Bad, But You Know, Now, A Lot Of Fans Are Painting Their Faces Just So They Won't Be Recognized.

An Intruder Broke Into Mike Tyson's Hotel Room In Las Vegas While He Was Sleeping But Got Out Before Tyson Could Get To Him. I Don't Know What's Scarier. Having Someone Breaking Into Your Room While You're Sleeping Or Breaking Into Someone Else's Room And Finding Out The Guy Is Mike Tyson.

Marriage Is Grand. Divorce Is About Twenty Grand.

Former Vice President Al Gore Starring In A New Documentary About Global Warming. I Believe It's Called [leno Snores]. ... The Film Actually Features Al Gore And Explores His Journey On How He First Got Interested In Temperature Change. It Started Back When He Was Vice President. He Noticed How The Temperature Would Change, Like Whenever Bill Would Walk Into The Room, It Would Get Warm And Whenever Hillary Walked Into The Room, It Got Cold.

Howard Dean Dropped Out Of The Race Today. At Least He Can't Claim His Voice Wasn't Heard.

It Looks Like Rudy Giuliani Is Out Of The Race. Finally, A Republican With An Exit Strategy.

The L.a. Times Reports That Al Qaeda Terrorists Have Been Traced To Iran, And President Bush Is Talking Tough. In Fact He Said He Will Attack The Minute He Has Evidence His Approval Rating Is Under 45 Percent.

Approval Rating

Climate Experts Say We Should Tell Villagers In Developing Countries To Reduce The Amount Of Cooking Smoke They Generate To Help Fix Global Warming. You Know, It's As If These People Don't Hate Us Enough Already. I Mean, They Live In Mud Huts, They Have Thatch Roofs, Their Clothes Are Made Of Straw. We Pull Up In A Bunch Of Humvees And Suvs Going, 'hey, You Want To Cut The Smoke Out Of Here?'

According To The Washington Post, The Nsa Has Been Monitoring Phone Calls And Emails Of People In Mexico. So Apparently It's Not Enough To Spy On American Citizens, They Feel They Have To Spy On Future American Citizens As Well.

John Kerry Keeping A Low Profile This Week. He Said He Wanted To Get Away And Go Someplace Where No One Would Expect To See Him. So I Guess He Showed Up At His Old Seat In The Senate. Nobody's Going To Look For Him There.

According To New York Publishers, Bill Clinton Will Get More Money For His Book Than Hillary Clinton Got For Hers. Well, Duh. At Least His Book Has Some Sex In It.

The New York Times Has Had Fake Stories. Cbs Has Had Fake Stories. And Now Newsweek Had A Fake Story. You Realize The Only One That Hasn't Had To Print A Retraction Is The National Inquirer

There's A New Osama Bin Laden Video. He's The Only Person That Is Looking Thin During The Holidays. How Does He Do It? I Think He's Going To Jenny Craig.

Whitney Houston Rear-ended A City Bus With Her Sports Car, But No One Was Hurt. She Said She Didn't Know What Happened. One Minute She Was Concentrating On The Big White Line, And The Next, Boom!

For Years President Obama Has Been Saying That No One Would Lose Their Healthcare Plan. Now The White House Has Admitted That In Fact Many People Will Lose Their Plans. But There Is A Way To Keep The Great Coverage You Have. Just Become A Member Of Congress. Then The Taxpayers Pay For The Whole Thing.

John Kerry Was The Big Winner In Iowa. Ted Kennedy Introduced Kerry As The 'comeback Kid.' That Used To Be Bill Clinton's Name - Because Every Time He Would Come Back To A City, He Would Find Out If He Had A Kid Or Not.

The Price Of Oil Is Rising Because Of All The Unrest In The Middle East. And The Unrest In Wisconsin Is Causing The Price Of Cheese To Go Through The Roof.

French Troops Arrived In Afghanistan Last Week, And Not A Minute Too Soon. The French Are Acting As Advisers To The Taliban, To Teach Them How To Surrender Properly.

Did You Know That 10% Of All Americans Have Not Had Sex In 5 Years? I Didn't Know There Were So Many Republicans.

If We Go Down In Flames, We Will Be Laughing On The Way Down, Believe Me.

We Live In What's Called An Open Society, Which Of Course Means They Open Our Emails, Open Our Phone Records, And Open Our Medical Records.

In A New Issue Of Esquire Magazine, They Revealed That Before He Was Married To Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry Dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg And Dana Delany. Finally A Democratic Presidential Candidate With Good Taste In Women.

The 99 Cent Only Store Is Calling Itself Your Valentine's Day Headquarters. Guys, If That's Your Valentine's Day Headquarters, You Can Also Call The Garage Your New Home.

President Bush Is Now Focusing On Jobs. I Think The One Job He's Focusing Most On Is His Own. The White House Is Now Backtracking From Its Prediction That 2.6 Million New Jobs Will Be Created In The U.s. This Year. They Say They Were Off By Roughly 2.6 Million Jobs.

Every Year Steve Kaufman Supports The Charity “love Ride” By Donating A Painting To This Cause.

Seems There's A Big Debate Going On About Whether A New Tv Commercial For Minute Maid Orange Juice Portrays Popeye And Bluto As Gay Lovers Or Just Good Friends. The Commercial Shows Popeye And Bluto At The Beach And Riding A Bicycle For Two. I Don't Think That Makes Them Gay. I Think The Fact They Both Find Olive Oyl Attractive, That Makes Them Gay.

President Obama Had Lunch With Republican Leaders At The White House Today And Had To Do Without Salt, Pepper And Butter. Not For Dietary Reasons. The Republicans Refused To Pass Anything.

If You're A Gunfighter, You Like To Die In The Street.

According To Kim Jong-il's Biography, They Say He Has Been Constantly Accused Of Dishonesty, Drunkenness And Sexual Excess. So If He Lived Here, He Could Be In Congress.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Made His Tax Returns Public, [and] Now There's A Problem About Him Stretching The Truth. Apparently Under Occupation He Put Down 'actor.'

The Big Winner Last Night In New Hampshire - Senator John Kerry. He Won 39 Percent Of The Vote, Which Is Pretty Good, And Begs The Question, Why The Long Face?

Big Scandal On The New 'survivor' Series. The White, The Black And The Hispanic Teams Were Caught Cheating Off The Asian Team.

Scientists In Australia Are Working On Making Biodegradable Car Parts Out Of Hemp. This Might Get Confusing. When Someone Says, Roll Up The Window, They Might Mean, Roll Up The Window!

There Was Another War-related Casualty Today. The French Were Injured When They Tried To Jump On Our Bandwagon.

Now This Really Annoys Me: All These People Getting On The Internet And Saying Nostradamus Predicted This. If Nostradamus Were Alive Today His Name Would Be Miss Cleo And He'd Be Charging $2.99 A Minute.

A New Study Says That Working Fewer Hours Can Slow Global Warming. So You Know What That Means? President Obama's Economic Policy Is Also His Climate Change Policy.

In The Nfl, 31 Players Have Been Arrested Just Since The Super Bowl. In Fact, A Lot Of Teams Are Switching To The No-huddle Offense Because Players Aren't Allowed To Associate With Known Felons.

According To The New York Times, The Mob Has Now Gotten Into Medicare Fraud. But The Good News Is, When They Do Break Your Legs There's A Good Chance You're Covered.

Before They Went On Vacation, Congress Voted To Exempt Themselves From Obamacare. They Gave Themselves A Special Exemption Because They Thought It Was Too Expensive. So The People Who Voted For Obamacare For Us Voted To Exempt Themselves From It. You Know How Doctors Take The Hippocratic Oath. Congress Apparently Takes The 'hypocritic Oath.'

An Evangelical Minister Has Had To Resign After Pictures Surfaced Showing Him In A Hot Tub With Two Women. He Claimed It Was Just A Baptism Gone Terribly Wrong.

John Kerry Speaks French Fluently. Democrats Are Saying He's One In A Million. A War Hero Who Speaks French, Isn't It More Like One In A Trillion?

President Bush Said The Other Day The War Is Not About Timetables. It's About Winning. Hey, It Worked In Florida.

There's All This Talk About Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, You Know Where He Is Now? Visiting Mexico, Which I Think Means That He Is Definitely Going To Run For Governor. Arnold Is Smart. He's In Mexico Campaigning With The Very People Who'll Be Living Here By Election Time.

America Needs Obamacare Like Nancy Pelosi Needs A Halloween Mask.

President Bush Announced Tonight That He Believes In Democracy And That Democracy Can Exist In Iraq. They Can Have A Strong Economy, They Can Have A Good Health Care Plan, And They Can Have A Free And Fair Voting. Iraq? We Can't Even Get This In Florida.

Saddam Hussein Has Invited Members From The U.s. Congress To Visit Iraq. Man How Stupid Is Hussein? If You Think Bush Had Incentive To Bomb Iraq Before, Imagine If Congress Was Over There.

This Is A Strange Country We Live In. When It Comes To Electing A President, We Get Two Choices. But When We Have To Select A Miss America, We Get 50.

This Is My Favorite Story Of The Week. The Republican National Committee Is In Trouble After Spending Nearly $2,000 At A Bondage Club In Hollywood. You Know What I Call A Republican Who Spends A Lot Of Money In A Strip Club? A Democrat.

Starbuck's Is Going To Start Selling Instant Coffee. This Is For People Who Want The Quality Of Sanka, But Want To Pay The High Starbuck's Price.

If Jay Spent As Much Time Studying As He Does Trying To Be A Comedian, He'd Be A Big Star.

Halloween's Coming. Kids Get Very Imaginative In My Neighborhood. Last Year, Three Kids Showed Up As Goldman Sachs Executives And Demanded 4.5 Billion Pieces Of Candy.

It Is Day Two Of The Democratic Convention, And Apparently They Had A Huge Lighting Problem In The Convention Hall Today. They Worked All Day On It. They Still Couldn't Get President Obama Out Of Bill Clinton's Shadow.

The Big Rumor Going Around Is, We May Begin Bombing Iraq. Or, As The White House Calls It, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page.

President Obama Was In Disney World Today Where He Unveiled His New Plan To Create Jobs. He Was Joined By Mickey Mouse And Minnie Mouse But Not Goofy. He Had To Stay Behind To Tend To His Vice Presidential Duties.

Michael Jackson Has A New Baby Boy; No Word Yet Who The Father Is.

What's The Difference Between Lindsay Lohan And Rick Perry? It Only Takes Lindsay Four And A Half Hours To Finish A Sentence.

Oil Prices Jumped To Well Over $100 A Barrel, And Analysts Say It's Due To Tension In The Middle East. So, Luckily, It's Just A Temporary Thing.

There Are Over 30 Doctors Running For The Us Congress This Year. That's Going To Be Rather Strange. Half The Time These Folks Will Be Playing God And Asking Women To Take Their Clothes Off And The Other Half The Time They Will Be Doctors.

If You Restore A Car, And You're Making Money, Then You're Doing It Wrong.

John Kerry Reportedly Flew In His Private Hairdresser Before His "meet The Press" Interview For A Total Cost Of $1,000. That's $1,000 For A Haircut, Which Sounds Like A Lot, But Have You Seen The Size Of Kerry's Head.

President Bush Said That Our Kids Must Be Taught How To Read. He Said If His Aides Never Learned To Read, They'd Never Be Able To Tell Him What's In The Newspapers Every Day.

You Know Who Must Be Very Secure In Their Masculinity? Male Ladybugs.

President Obama Has Announced A Task Force To Review The Tax Codes. He's Concerned There Are Too Many Loopholes And Too Many People Manipulating The System To Avoid Paying Taxes. And That's Just In His Administration.

And Under The New Guidelines Issued By The Obama Administration, Federal Agents Will Not Pursue Pot-smoking Patients In States That Allow Medical Marijuana. This New Policy Is Called 'don't Ask, Don't -- What Was I Talking About?'

Gary Condit Is On The Congressional Committee For Homeland Security. They Make The Guy Responsible For Homeland Security Who Is The Guy No One Would Feel Secure Going Home With.

In His Big Victory Speech Last Night, Senator Kerry Said That He Wanted To Defeat George Bush And The 'economy Of Privilege.' Then He Hugged His Wife, Teresa, Heir To The Multi-million Dollar Heinz Food Fortune.

The White House Has Finally Found One Guy That Kinda Remembers Serving With President Bush In The National Guard. Now They Just Need To Find Someone Who Remembers Bush Working On An Economic Plan. ... I Think The White House Spent More Money Looking For This Guy Than Finding Weapons Of Mass Destruction.

Mass Destruction

And Some Sad News... The First Lesbian Couple To Legally Get Married In The State Of Massachusetts Has Split Up. They Cited Irreconcilable Similarities.

Cnn Found That Hillary Clinton Is The Most Admired Woman In America. Women Admire Her Because She's Strong And Successful. Men Admire Her Because She Allows Her Husband To Cheat And Get Away With It.

U.s. Government Has Said They Are Now Going To Go After The Terrorist's Electronic Banking System. You Know What They Should Do? They Should Transfer Bin Laden's Funds To My Bank. They'd Mess Up His Deposits, Screw Up His Statement And Nickel And Dime Him To Death With Service Charges.

President Bush Demanded That Kerry Apologize. Can You Imagine That -- Bush Demanding An Apology For Someone Stumbling Over His Words? ... Kerry Should Have Tried The Bush Strategy: Say So Many Stupid Things, No One Cares Anymore.

A Pakistan Businessman Is Claiming That John Walker Lindh Is Gay And That He Was His Lover. Say What You Will About Lindh, But When This Guy Goes To Play For The Other Team - He Goes All The Way ... So Lindh May Be Both A Terrorist And A Gay Man. That May Be John Ashcroft's Worst Nightmare.

President Obama Said He Is Going To Use The Gulf Disaster To Push A New Energy Bill Through Congress. How About Using The Gulf Disaster To Fix The Gulf Disaster?

It's Always Bad News When You Kill Your Date

A Jury Found Former Enron Sleezeballs Ken Lay And Jeff Skilling Guilty Of Fraud And Conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's Not A Good Name To Have When You're Going To Prison. And Kenny Boy Ain't Too Good Either. ... I Guess In Prison They'll Have Done To Them What They Did To The Stockholders.

At The G-20 Summit, The White House Accidentally Listed A Phone-sex Line For Journalists Seeking An On-record Briefing Call For Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton. To Which Bill Said, 'boy, Did They Get The Wrong Number.'

A New Study Says That Over Half Of All Californians Are Obese. In Fact, Half Of Californians Are Really Two-thirds Of Californians.

A German Psychologist Says That Women Talk More Than Men Because They Have A Bigger Vocabulary. But, It Evens Out Because Men Only Listen Half The Time.

Over In Iraq After You Vote They Paint Your Finger Purple So You Can't Vote Again. It's A Flawless System. It Works Perfectly Unless, Of Course, Someone Has Paint Remover.

The Boston Globe Is Reporting That Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry Used To Date Actress Morgan Fairchild But It Didn't Work Out. Apparently She Couldn't Handle Dating Someone With Bigger Hair Then She Had.

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