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A Survey Released Today Found That Men Spend Twice As Much On Their Mistresses For Christmas As They Do On Their Wives. On The Other Hand, Men Spend Half Their Income On The Wives When The Wife Finds Out About The Mistress. So It All Balances Out.

-Jay Leno

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A Survey Released Today

Jay Leno

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A Survey Released Today Found That Men Spend Twice As Much On Their Mistresses For Christmas As They Do On Their Wives. On The Other Hand, Men Spend Half Their Income On The Wives When The Wife Finds Out About The Mistress. So It All Balances Out.

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Congratulations

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Women Get A Little More Excited About New Year's Eve Than Men Do. It's Like An Excuse: You Drink Too Much, You Make A Lot Of Promises You're Not Going To Keep; The Next Morning As Soon As You Wake Up You Start Breaking Them. For Men, We Just Call That A Date.

President Obama's Re-election Campaign Said That This Year They'll Knock On 150 Percent More Doors Than They Did In 2008. Well, Of Course They Will. They Have To. There's So Many Foreclosures It's Tough To Tell Where People Live.

It Is Day Two Of The Democratic Convention, And Apparently They Had A Huge Lighting Problem In The Convention Hall Today. They Worked All Day On It. They Still Couldn't Get President Obama Out Of Bill Clinton's Shadow.

Never Perform For Your Family. They Either Laugh Too Hard Or Not At All.

A Petition To Have Justin Bieber Deported Got Over 100,000 Signatures, Which Means The White House Now Has To Legally Rule On It. So Finally A Chance For Obama To Issue An Executive Order That Both Republicans And Democrats Can Agree On.

Some Democrats Say The Estimated $60 Billion Dollar Cost Of A War With Iraq Could Be Better Spent At Home. When He Heard That, President Bush Agreed And Announced Plans To Bomb Ohio.

A Libyan Rebel Has Admitted To Killing Moammar Gadhafi. He Said He Shot Gadhafi Twice In The Temple, To Which Michele Bachmann Said, "i Didn't Even Know The Guy Was Jewish.

There Is A New Book Out About Hillary Clinton That Claims Bill Is Still Having Affairs But Hillary Continues To Look The Other Way. The Only Problem Is When Hillary Does Look The Other Way Bill's Having Sex With A Women Over There Too.

According To The New York Times, The Mob Has Now Gotten Into Medicare Fraud. But The Good News Is, When They Do Break Your Legs There's A Good Chance You're Covered.

The Democrats Are All Over This. Democratic Strategists Feel John Kerry's War Record Means He Can Beat Bush. They Say When It Comes Down To It Voters Will Always Vote For A War Hero Over Someone Who Tried To Get Out Of The War. I'll Be Sure To Mention That To Bob Dole When I See Him.

Experts Say That If We Go To War With Iraq, Oil Could Reach As Much As $80 A Barrel. Of Course, After The War It Will Be Free.

John Kerry Met With Ralph Nader Last Week. Both Sides Of Every Issue Were Discussed. And Then, Nader Spoke.

I Believe Engineers Will Save The World.

Anybody Can Have A Life. Careers Are Hard To Come By.

Bill Maher And I Are On Against Each Other, And We're Friends. He Can Do My Show Any Time He Wants, And I've Done Politically Incorrect Several Times. There's No Reason To Think Competition Has To Be Adversarial.

House Speaker John Boehner Says President Obama Should Have Clearly Outlined His Exact Plans Before Bombing Libya. Apparently It's Only Iraq Where You Don't Have To Do That.

If Politicians All Told The Truth, We'd Be Out Of Business.

President Bush Said The Other Day The War Is Not About Timetables. It's About Winning. Hey, It Worked In Florida.

In An Interview With Univision, President Obama Said If There's One Thing He's Learned, It's That You Can't Change Washington From Within. So What Is He Saying - That If We Want Real Change, We Should Throw Him Out?

There Are 249 Millionaires In Congress. Remember A Couple Of Years Ago When This New Congress Told Us They Had The Solution To The Recession? Apparently, They Didn't Share It With The Rest Of Us.

As We Watched Judge Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings, All Of The Commentators Said The Same Thing: 'one Of These People In The Room Is Lying.' Do You Believe That? You've Got Two Lawyers And 14 Senators In The Room, And Only One Of Them Is Lying?

John Kerry Went Hunting Today. He Said He Killed A Goose. He Didn't Bring Teresa Along Because He Was A Little Rusty And He Was Afraid He Might Kill The Goose That Laid The Golden Egg.

This Is A Strange Country We Live In. When It Comes To Electing A President, We Get Two Choices. But When We Have To Select A Miss America, We Get 50.

Oh, Here's Your Tax Dollars At Work. This Is What Makes People Furious. The Head Of The Gsa, A Woman Named Martha Johnson, Has Resigned After They Found Out She Spent Over $830,000 On A Four-day Government Conference In Las Vegas. And The President Is Furious. Not President Obama, The President Of China. It's His Money. It's His Money She Spent.

I Was Born The Day I Got My License. When I Was A Kid, If I Wanted To Go Somewhere And See Things, You Have To Get In Your Car And Actually Go.

Clinton Vetoed The Repeal Of The Marriage Tax. I Guess Bill Figures If He's Married, Then We All Have To Suffer.

President Bush Went Out Touting His Economic Record In Ohio Last Week. Now This Is A State That Lost 225,000 Jobs Since Bush Took Office. You Know, If Bush Wants To Tout His Record, He Should Do It Somewhere Where The Bush Economy Has Actually Created Jobs, Like India, Or Thailand, Or China.

It Turns Out Enron Workers Were Not Only Shredding Documents At Work, They Were Having Sex At Work. Having Sex And Shredding Documents. Those Are Two Things You Don't Want To Get Mixed Up.

The Hot Gossip In Washington Is That Condoleezza Rice Might Have A New Boyfriend. Secretary Of State Rice Is Being Linked To Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter Mackay. It's Gotta Be Awkward Dating A Fellow Diplomat. Like Today, Mackay Had To Promise Condi He Would Get Permission From The U.n. Before He Invaded Her.

Former Vice President Al Gore Starring In A New Documentary About Global Warming. I Believe It's Called [leno Snores]. ... The Film Actually Features Al Gore And Explores His Journey On How He First Got Interested In Temperature Change. It Started Back When He Was Vice President. He Noticed How The Temperature Would Change, Like Whenever Bill Would Walk Into The Room, It Would Get Warm And Whenever Hillary Walked Into The Room, It Got Cold.

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