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I Don't Understand The United Nations. They Have Selected Iran To Sit On The U.n.'s Women's Rights Panel. Iran! Also On The Panel - Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake And Committee Chairman O.j. Simpson.

-Jay Leno

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I Don't Understand The

Jay Leno

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I Don't Understand The United Nations. They Have Selected Iran To Sit On The U.n.'s Women's Rights Panel. Iran! Also On The Panel - Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake And Committee Chairman O.j. Simpson.

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A Hiker Who Was Lost In A Blizzard Said He Stayed Alive By Digging A Snow Tunnel And Burning Dollar Bills For Warmth. Today He Was Offered A Job As President Obama's Economic Adviser.

As You Know President Bush Has Been Traveling Around The Country Trying To Sell His New Social Security Plan. He Wants To Take Our Retirement Money And Invest It In The Stock Market. He Says Nothing Can Go Wrong. I'll Mention That To Martha Stewart The Next Time I See Her.

A Lot Of Controversy Over This Possible Invasion Of Iraq. In Fact, Nelson Mandela Was So Upset, He Called Bush's Dad. How Embarrassing, When World Leaders Start Calling Your Father.

When Rick Perry Was Told About Kim Jong Il, He Said, 'i Never Heard Of Him, But Then Again, I Don't Listen To That Rap.'

I Saw Something Stupid In The Paper Today - A New Alarm Clock That Makes No Noise. It's For People Who Don't Like Loud Noises. Instead, It Slowly Hits You With Light And Gets Brighter And Brighter Until You Wake Up. I Already Have One Of Those... It's Called A Window.

Ron Paul Is In Favor Of Letting States Legalize Marijuana, Prostitution, And Cocaine. So Even If He Doesn't Win, That's Going To Be One Heck Of An Election Night Party.

Show Business Pays You A Lot Of Money, Because Eventually You’re Gonna Get Screwed.

(gray) Davis Said Yesterday That He Is Going To Fight Like A Bengal Tiger, Which I Believe Is Also An Endangered Species.

Warren Buffett's Company Reportedly Owes The Irs A Billion Dollars In Back Taxes. When He Said He Wasn't Paying Enough Taxes, He Wasn't Kidding.

You Know What You Call The Two Winners Of That $580 Million Powerball Lottery? ... Former Democrats

In An Interview With Univision, President Obama Said If There's One Thing He's Learned, It's That You Can't Change Washington From Within. So What Is He Saying - That If We Want Real Change, We Should Throw Him Out?

According To The British Journal Of Psychiatry, Marijuana Can Cause Panic Attacks. I Don't Know . . . The Only Time I Have Ever Seen A Marijuana User Look Panicky Is When They Are Out Of Marijuana.

Two Americans Have Been Awarded The Nobel Prize For Economics. They Are The First To Figure Out All The Charges On Their Telephone Bill.

This Is A Strange Country We Live In. When It Comes To Electing A President, We Get Two Choices. But When We Have To Select A Miss America, We Get 50.

Soup Is Just A Way Of Screwing You Out Of A Meal.

Massachusetts Became The First State To Marry Gay Couples, Though Lawmakers Say Allowing Gay Couples To Get Married Raises A Lot Of Questions. You Know, Such As: Does That Best Man Invite Both Guys To The Bachelor Party?

Yesterday President Obama Said, 'we Can't Continue To Treat Tax Money Like Monopoly Money.' Oh Really - How Come All Those Guys On Wall Street Got 'get Out Of Jail Free' Cards?

President Bush Went Out Touting His Economic Record In Ohio Last Week. Now This Is A State That Lost 225,000 Jobs Since Bush Took Office. You Know, If Bush Wants To Tout His Record, He Should Do It Somewhere Where The Bush Economy Has Actually Created Jobs, Like India, Or Thailand, Or China.

President Bush Called Arnold To Congratulate Him Today, And After He Got Off The Phone, Arnold Said, 'i Thought My English Was Bad.'

In The Nfl, 31 Players Have Been Arrested Just Since The Super Bowl. In Fact, A Lot Of Teams Are Switching To The No-huddle Offense Because Players Aren't Allowed To Associate With Known Felons.

President Bush Said Global Warming Is Happening Much Quicker Than He Thought, And Then His Staff Pulled Him Aside And Said 'it's Just Springtime.'

I Watched That New Reality Show On Abc With Charlie Gibson, 'america's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, What An Exciting Show That Is! Did You See Sarah Palin's Interview With Charlie Gibson? Did You All Watch That? In Fact, John Mccain Was Watching It At Home, And At One Point, He Turned To His Wife And Said, 'she Looks Really Familiar.'

You Know What The Bounty Is On Bin Laden? $25 Million. It Sounds Like A Lot Until You Realize The Texas Rangers Paid $250 Million To Get Alex Rodriguez.

The Republicans Finally Got Some Good News Over The Weekend. The North Koreans Set Off A Nuclear Bomb. Thank God. It Was So Powerful It Knocked The Mark Foley Story Right Off The Front Page. And Knocked Him Off The Page He Was On, Too.

The Games Haven't Even Started Yet And Already There Are People Complaining About The Horrible Accommodations At The Sochi Olympic Village. Toilets Don't Flush. The Faucets Spew Discolored Water. They Say It's Like Being On A Royal Caribbean Cruise.

Sixty Years Ago This Week Hitler Invaded Poland. This Led To The Creation Of The History Channel.

The First Lady Said About Her Husband, 'i Could Take Up A Whole Afternoon Talking About His Failures.' And Today She Was Offered Her Own Show On Fox News.

You Know What Is Interesting, Condit Is Very Conservative. He Voted To Post The Ten Commandments In Schools. Yet, He Himself Broke The 11th Commandment, 'thou Shall Not Put Thy Rod In Thy Staff.'

Romney Raised $10 Million. That’s A Dollar For Every Position He’s Had On Healthcare.

The Latest Report Is That Osama Bin Laden Has Shaved His Beard, Is Wearing Western Clothes And Has Had Plastic Surgery. Isn't That Amazing? The Guy Has Made Just Two Videos And He's Already Gone Hollywood.

The United States Military Is Now Using The Music Of Metallica And Other Heavy Metal Bands To Break The Will Of Saddam Hussein Supporters To Get Them To Talk. Theyre Blaring Heavy Metal Music At Them. That Should Make The Artist Feel Pretty Good, Huh? Put Your Heart And Soul Into Your Last Cd And The Army Is Using It To Torture People.

Form 1040 Was Chosen By The Irs Because For Every $50 You Earn, You Get 10 And They Get 40.

My Stockbroker Asked Me Something Important Today: Paper Or Plastic?

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