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The White House Has Finally Found One Guy That Kinda Remembers Serving With President Bush In The National Guard. Now They Just Need To Find Someone Who Remembers Bush Working On An Economic Plan. ... I Think The White House Spent More Money Looking For This Guy Than Finding Weapons Of Mass Destruction.

-Jay Leno

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The White House Has

Jay Leno

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The White House Has Finally Found One Guy That Kinda Remembers Serving With President Bush In The National Guard. Now They Just Need To Find Someone Who Remembers Bush Working On An Economic Plan. ... I Think The White House Spent More Money Looking For This Guy Than Finding Weapons Of Mass Destruction.

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Mass Destruction

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The Other Night, President Bush's Press Conference Was Pre-empted By 'american Idol.' You Know The Difference Between President Bush And 'american Idol?' See, On 'american Idol,' The One With The Most Votes Wins.

Howard Dean Is A Politician, A Medical Doctor And A Democrat. So He Has Three Reasons To Tell Women To Take Off Their Clothes Now.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Blaming Man For Global Warming. And Today, Al Gore Agreed With Him. That's So Typical. Two Cyborgs, 'oh, Let's Blame The Humans.'

There Is A New Book Out About Hillary Clinton That Claims Bill Is Still Having Affairs But Hillary Continues To Look The Other Way. The Only Problem Is When Hillary Does Look The Other Way Bill's Having Sex With A Women Over There Too.

It Seems The Journal Of Neurology Reports That The Longer You Smoke, The Less Likely You Are To Develop Parkinson's Disease. So What Are They Telling Us? Follow Me Guys. Remember, A Couple Of Months Ago, Doctors Said Drinking A Glass Of Alcohol Every Day Was Good For Your Heart. Smoking Prevents Parkinson's Disease. Marijuana Is Good For Glaucoma. Sex Is Good For Your Prostate. You Know, Screw Health Care. Let's Party!

Donald Trump Says He’s President Obama’s Worst Nightmare. That’s Not True. Having To Make A Decision Is Obama’s Worst Nightmare.

Worst Nightmares

Last Night I Went Out For Chinese. I Picked Up A Team Usa Olympic Uniform.

But The Good News, The Crime Rate Is Down. Isn't That Amazing? Less Banks Are Being Robbed. Well, Sure. A, There's Less Banks. B, The Banks Don't Have Any Money Left. And C, Nobody's Got Gas Money For The Getaway Car. So, Right There, Crime Is Down!

Even Arnold's Adviser Says He Was Shocked By His Decision To Run. I Mean, His People Were Backstage That Night And They Had No Idea. He Totally Fooled Them. Who Knew Arnold Was That Good Of An Actor? If He Had Done That In A Movie, He'd Have An Academy Award By Now.

Kerry Has Already Begun His Search For A Running Mate. They Say That Because John Edwards Still Has $50 Million In Campaign Money, Kerry Might Pick Him. Pick Him? Hey, For $50 Million, Kerry Will Marry Him.

Nineteen Percent Of Doctors Say That They'd Be Able To Give Their Patients A Lethal Injection. But They Also Went On To Say That The Patient Would Have To Be Really, Really Behind On Payments.

It's Always Bad News When You Kill Your Date

Scientists Believe That Monkeys Can Be Taught To Think, Lie And Even Play Politics Within Their Community. If We Can Just Teach Them To Cheat On Their Wives We Can Save Millions On Congressional Salaries.

According To The New York Daily News, Geraldo Said He Is Now Carrying A Gun, And He Will Personally Shoot Osama Bin Laden If He Finds Him. If Osama Also Has A Gun, This Could Work Out Okay.

President Obama's Re-election Campaign Said That This Year They'll Knock On 150 Percent More Doors Than They Did In 2008. Well, Of Course They Will. They Have To. There's So Many Foreclosures It's Tough To Tell Where People Live.

Hillary Clinton's Opponent In The U.s. Senate Race, The Republican She's Going To Be Running Against, Has Been Married Three Times, Had An Affair With His Chief Of Staff, Had Two Kids With Her While Still Married To His Second Wife. This Is The First Time In History That A Clinton Is The 'family Values' Candidate.

Thousands Of Dead Fish Have Now Washed Up On Shore Along The Coast Of South Carolina. Today The Nra Said That This Wouldn't Have Happened If Those Fish Had Guns.

Climate Experts Say We Should Tell Villagers In Developing Countries To Reduce The Amount Of Cooking Smoke They Generate To Help Fix Global Warming. You Know, It's As If These People Don't Hate Us Enough Already. I Mean, They Live In Mud Huts, They Have Thatch Roofs, Their Clothes Are Made Of Straw. We Pull Up In A Bunch Of Humvees And Suvs Going, 'hey, You Want To Cut The Smoke Out Of Here?'

As We Watched Judge Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings, All Of The Commentators Said The Same Thing: 'one Of These People In The Room Is Lying.' Do You Believe That? You've Got Two Lawyers And 14 Senators In The Room, And Only One Of Them Is Lying?

We Ought To Thank President Bush. He Made It A Lot Easier For People To Do Taxes This Year. No Job, No Income Tax This Year.

106 [degrees] In The Valley... I Was Sweating Like Dan Rather Checking For Forged Documents.

U.n. Weapons Inspectors Found Empty Chemical Warheads In Iraq. So, The Question Everyone Is Asking Now Is How Did Sean Penn Miss This?

You Know What Arnold Schwarzenegger And Meg Whitman Have In Common? They Both Got In Trouble For Stiffing The Maid.

President Obama's Been Reaching Out To Iran, Reaching Out To Cuba, Reaching Out To Latin America. The Only Place He Can't Seem To Be Able To Reach Out To: Texas. ... Despite Governor Rick Perry Talking About How Texas Could Secede From The Union If It Wanted To, 75 Per Cent Of The People Who Live There Want To Stay In The United States. Of Course They Want To Stay. I Mean, After Spending All That Time And Effort Sneaking Across The Border To Get Here, Why Would They Want To Leave?

Hundreds Of Barefoot Filipinos Marched On The Roads Through The Philippines Carrying Heavy Wooden Crosses And Whipping Their Backs Until They Bled To Prepare For Easter. Call Me Old-fashioned But I Just Like Coloring The Eggs.

A New Poll Shows That Americans Now Believe That Bill Clinton Is More Honest Than President Bush. At Least When Clinton Screwed The Nation, He Did It One Person At A Time.

President Obama Was In Disney World Today Where He Unveiled His New Plan To Create Jobs. He Was Joined By Mickey Mouse And Minnie Mouse But Not Goofy. He Had To Stay Behind To Tend To His Vice Presidential Duties.

After Saying The Jobs Bill Is Paid For, President Obama Now Says That It Will Be Paid For By Raising Taxes Over 10 Years. I Can't Figure Out If He's The Kind Of Guy Who Makes Infomercials, Or The Kind Of Guy Who Falls For Infomercials.

Another Air Traffic Controller Fell Asleep On The Job, But He Had A Good Excuse. He Was Watching President Obama’s Deficit Speech.

Things Have Really Changed Here In Hollywood. Used To Be People In This Town Couldn't Wait To Get An Envelope Full Of White Powder.

I Tell You, The Economy Is In Bad Shape. In Fact, The Economy Is So Bad, President Barack Obama's New Slogan Is 'spare Change You Can Believe In.'

Remember The Good Old Days When The Only Bomb You Had To Worry About On A Plane Was The Rob Schneider Movie?

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