Background Image

...

There's A Woman I See Who's Not My Therapist, But She's Like An Old Friend Who's A Therapist In Profession. She Lets Me Talk To Her Like A Therapist Once In A While, And She Does A Great Thing. Whenever I Have A Big Dilemma, Like This Is A Big Problem In My Life, She Always Says, 'wow, You're Going To Have To Figure That Out.'

-Louis C. K.

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

There's A Woman I

Louis C. K.

...

There's A Woman I See Who's Not My Therapist, But She's Like An Old Friend Who's A Therapist In Profession. She Lets Me Talk To Her Like A Therapist Once In A While, And She Does A Great Thing. Whenever I Have A Big Dilemma, Like This Is A Big Problem In My Life, She Always Says, 'wow, You're Going To Have To Figure That Out.'

Views: 4

Topic

More From Louis C. K.

I've Been Having A Lot Of Trouble Sleeping As We All Should. I Dunno. You Don't Live That Long. It Doesn't Matter.

When You Have Bacon In Your Mouth, It Doesn't Matter Who's President.

You Need To Build An Ability To Just Be Yourself, And Not Be Doing Something.

Just Be Yourself

It's A Positive Thing To Talk About Terrible Things And Make People Laugh About Them.

Last Week I Got A Flu That I Caught, 'cause My Daughter Coughed ... Into My Mouth.

You Know What Our Number One Threat Is? Heart Disease.

I Can't Just Sit On My Daughter's Bed And Just Say 'n---' All Night And Then Put Her To Sleep. I Just Ain't Gonna Do That... I Told The Girls That These Boys Are Racists, And They're Not Nice Boys. But I Think We Can Still Enjoy The Stories About The Fishin' And The Tradin'.

I Grew Up Watching All These Crazy Movies, European Movies And Stuff, And I Guess That I Always Laughed At Things That Were A Little More Offbeat.

There's A Woman I See Who's Not My Therapist, But She's Like An Old Friend Who's A Therapist In Profession. She Lets Me Talk To Her Like A Therapist Once In A While, And She Does A Great Thing. Whenever I Have A Big Dilemma, Like This Is A Big Problem In My Life, She Always Says, 'wow, You're Going To Have To Figure That Out.'

I Love Being Divorced. Every Year Has Been Better Than The Last. By The Way, I'm Not Saying Don't Get Married. If You Meet Somebody, Fall In Love And Get Married. Then Get Divorced. Because That's The Best Part. Divorce Is Forever! It Really Actually Is. Marriage Is For How Long You Can Hack It. But Divorce Just Gets Stronger Like A Piece Of Oak. Nobody Ever Says 'oh, My Divorce Is Falling Apart, It's Over, I Can't Take It.'

Falling In Love

I Was Driving In Manhattan. There's Traffic, Nobody's Moving... The Guy Behind Me Is Honking Just At Me. He Kept Yelling At Me. I Decided That I'm Gonna Argue With This Guy, But I'm Gonna Argue About Something Else. I'm Not Having His Argument; I'm Having Mine. So, He's Like, 'go!' And I Go, 'well Give Me Back My Jacket!' And He Stopped. I Was Like, 'yeah, You Got My Jacket! Give It Back! I Said You Could Borrow It, Not Have It! You're Stretching It Out, You Fat Pig! Give It Back, Now!' He Got Back In His Car, And He Locked His Doors.

Technically, I've Learned That Having Good Legs And Wind Is Good For Being On Stage. You Have To Be In Shape And Have Endurance.

You Know, The People Who Do Indie Film And Decide Who Gets Those Little Budgets? They're Mean, Man. They're Cold And Very Cool-oriented.

Every Year White People Add 100 Years To How Long Ago Slavery Was. I've Heard Educated White People Say, 'slavery Was 400 Years Ago.' No It Very Wasn't. It Was 140 Years Ago...that's Two 70-year-old Ladies Living And Dying Back To Back. That's How Recently You Could Buy A Guy.

Bill Gates Has 90 Billion Dollars ... If I Had 90 Billion Dollars, I Wouldn't Have It For Long Because I Would Just Dream Of All The Crazy Stuff I Could Do With It. This Guy, 90 Billion Dollars. He Could Buy Every Baseball Team And Make Them All Wear Dresses And Still Have 88 Billion Dollars.

I Look Around, Pretty Much 100% Of The People Driving Are Texting. And They're Killing, Everybody's Murdering Each Other With Their Cars. But People Are Willing To Risk Taking A Life And Ruining Their Own Because They Don't Want To Be Alone For A Second Because It's So Hard.

How Do Women Still Go Out With Guys, When You Consider The Fact That There Is No Greater Threat To Women Than Men? We're The Number One Threat To Women. Globally And Historically, We're The Number One Cause Of Injury And Mayhem To Women... You Know What Our Number One Threat Is? Heart Disease.

Life Is Full Of Horrible Mistakes.

I Don't Have A Room Full Of Writers Pitching Ideas. It's Just Me Out Of My Head.

I've Met A Lot Of People Who've Lost Their Jobs And They Still Have A Sense Of Humor.

Race Doesn't Mean What It Used To In America Anymore. It Just Doesn't. Obama's Black, But He's Not Black The Way People Used To Define That. Is Black Your Experience Or The Color Of Your Skin? My Experience Is As A Mexican Immigrant, More So Than Someone Like George Lopez. He's From California. But He'll Be Treated As An Immigrant. I Am An Outsider. My Abuelita, My Grandmother, Didn't Speak English. My Whole Family On My Dad's Side Is In Mexico. I Won't Ever Be Called That Or Treated That Way, But It Was My Experience.

I'm Not Sure Why I'm So Often Disgusting On Stage. I Don't Always Know Where It Comes From.

Everything That's Difficult You Should Be Able To Laugh About.

My Kids Are Really Easy. I Often Worry That They're Too Easy To Deal With. They're Really Nice People.

I Like Pressure. Pressure Doesn't Make Me Crack. It's Enabling. I Eat Pressure, And There Might Be Times When I Get A Bad Feeling In My Gut That This Might Be Too Much, But You Feel Pressure When You're Not Doing Something, You Know?

Everything That People Say Is Testable.

What We've Done With Our Modern Food Supply Is Absolute Insanity. It's Not Even Real Any More. You Used To Be Able To Give A Kid An Apple And They Would Love It. Kids Can't Even Taste Apples Any More. Apples Taste Like Paper To Kids Now.

I Found Out That I'm A Pretty Bad Father. I Make A Lot Of Mistakes And I Don't Know What I'm Doing. But My Kids Love Me. Go Figure.

I Don't Think Women Are Better Than Men, I Think Men Are A Lot Worse Than Women.

The Problem Is, The More Famous You Get, The More People See You Who Didn't Choose To.

People Don't Talk To Me On Airplanes.

I Don't Think It Makes Any Sense To Try To Get Anyone To Not Talk.

Sometimes I Just Want To Tell A Story Regardless Of Whether It Fits What The Show Is Saying. I’ve Been In A Lot Of Writing Rooms Where Somebody Says An Idea And Everyone’s Dying, Like Laughing So They’re Delirious. It’s Like A Black Hole In A Good Way, Everything Starts To Fall Into It, You Know What I Mean.

Cars And Cameras Are The Two Things I Let Myself Be Materialistic About. I Don't Care About Other Stuff.

The Part That's Difficult Is Being Single, At 41, After 10 Years Of Marriage And Two Kids. That's Like Having A Bunch Of Money In A Currency Of A Country That Doesn't Exist Anymore.

The Greatest Thing About Having A Child Is Putting Yourself Second In Your Own Life. It's A Massive Gift To Be Able To Say You're Not The Most Important Person To Yourself.

To Me, It's Very Exhilarating When Somebody Else Does A Great Thing, And It's Not Me.

I Don't Care About The Weight. You Know, I'm Lucky; I'm One Of Those People - I Can Eat Donuts, Whatever, And I Just Get Fat.

Gay Men Have To Go Through Something To Own Their - Who They Are. They Get Beat Up. They Get Ostracized. Whatever They Go Through, If They Survive It, They Come Out Very Confident People.

I Remember The Day I Saw My Hair Was Thinning. I Don't Remember Caring Much. I Don't Care. It's Just Hair. It Never Bothered Me Much. I Was Pretty Young, Too. And It Happened And Is Happening Very Slowly. I Have A Feeling Dead People Get Really Mad When We Complain About Losing Hair.

A Lot Of The Struggle I Had With Movies Is I Really Loved Moments And Tones And Feelings In A Scene, And I Loved Creating Those, But I Never Really Had Great Stories To String Them Together.

I Like Being Full, Every Day, With Stuff That I Have To Do.

I Don't Like Waking Up. I Feel Like Staying In Bed Usually, But I Can't Because I've Got Two Kids Standing Next To My Bed, Just Eager To Live Another Day.

A Lot Of Tv Is Put Together By Teams, By Writing Staffs And Several Different Directors. It's A Great, Very Smart Way To Make Television. It's Worked For However Long Tv's Been Around.

Very Few American Parents Give A Crap About How They Raise Their Kids. They Put Minimal Effort Into It. Who Told You It's A Good Idea To Buy A Developing Mind A Video Game?

When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore.

If You Have Something To Say, Here's What You Do: You Write It Down On A Piece Of Paper, You Go Out In The Lobby, And Then You Go Home And You Kill Yourself.

When I Was First Divorced, I Started Dating Younger Women, And It Was Really Exciting. But After A While I Was Like, 'this Is Just Dumb.'

I Had Five Dollars In The Bank That I Couldn't Have For Three Days Until They Charged Me Another 15. Leaving Me With -10. What Does That Mean? I Don't Even Have No Money Any More. I Wish I Had Nothing. But I Don't Have It. I Don't Have That Much. I Have Not Ten. Negative Ten. I Can't Afford To Buy Something That Doesn't Cost Anything. I Can Only Afford To Get Something That Costs You Give Me Ten Dollars.

I Don't Have A Brother In Real Life.

I Have A Lot Of Beliefs... And I Live By None Of Them...

If I'm Not On Tour, I Can Run Down To The Comedy Club And Do A Little Stand-up. If You're An Actor, You Can't Go - I Guess There's Forms Of It.

Pushing The Envelope' Sort Of Implies That You're Inside The Envelope With Everyone Else, And You're Trying To Find The Edges On The Outsides.

I Don't Stop Eating When I'm Full. The Meal Isn't Over When I'm Full. It's Over When I Hate Myself.

I'm Not Raising The Children, I'm Raising The Grown Ups That They're Going To Be.

If You Had A Jetpack You'd Be Like I Have The Shittiest Jetpack. Who's Your Service Provider On Your Jetpack? Did They Make The New One? I Hate This Thing.

When A Person Tells You That You Hurt Them, You Don't Get To Decide That You Didn't.

My 13-year-old Daughter Leaves The House At 7:15 Every Morning And Takes A Smelly City Bus To School Way Uptown. It's Like 8 Degrees Out, And It's Dark And She's Got This Morning Face And I Send Her Out There To Take A Bus. Meanwhile, My Driver Is Sitting In A Toasty Mercedes That's Going To Take Me To Work Once Both Kids Are Gone. I Could Send Her In The Mercedes And Then Have It Come Back To Get Me, But I Can't Have My Kid Doing That. I Can't Do That To Her. Me? I Earned That F—ing Mercedes. You Better F—ing Believe It.

A Household Name Is Like Ketchup. Everybody Wants Ketchup. Ketchup Doesn't Hurt Anybody.

People Say, 'my Phone Sucks.' No, It Doesn’t! The Shittiest Cellphone In The World Is A Miracle. Your Life Sucks. Around The Phone.

One Thing I Learned From Drinking Is That If You Ever Go Christmas Caroling, You Should Go With A Group Of People. And Also Go In Mid-december.

Working In Tv And Navigating Success Is A Tricky Thing. It's Easier To Navigate The Hard Work Of Starting Out Because You Just Do Anything They Let You Do, But Once You Get Into An Orbit, After The Thrusters Have Pushed You Into The Orbit, Now You Have To Navigate That Orbit. There's No Choices When You're Starting Out. You're Just Like, "please, Let Me Do Anything." But Then It Turns Around And It's Like, "we'll Let You Do Anything".

I Do Feel A Lot Of Times Like I'm Out Of My League With My Kids In Terms Of What My Responsibility Is.

My Kids Used To Love Math. Now It Makes Them Cry. Thanks Standardized Testing And Common Core!

I Would Rather Be With My Kids Than Anybody Else.

I'm Bored' Is A Useless Thing To Say. You Live In A Great, Big, Vast World That You've Seen None Percent Of.

My Bank Is The Worst. They Are Screwing Me. You Know What They Did To Me? They're Charging Me Money For Not Having Enough Money. Apparently, When You're Broke, That Costs Money.

My Uncles Were All Funny. My Dad Wasn't Funny, But My Uncles Were All Funny. Now I Go Back And I Like Him Better Than Them, They Were Manipulative Funny.

A Very Painful Part Of Being A Parent Is Having Really Negative Feelings About Your Children When You Love Them So Much.

Kids Are Like Buckets Of Disease That Live In Your House.

The Only Time You Should Look In Your Neighbor's Bowl Is To Make Sure That They Have Enough. You Don't Look In Your Neighbor's Bowl To See If You Have As Much As Them.

You Would Never Do Stand-up Without An Audience. I Mean, No One Would Even Consider It. It's Like They're The Instrument You're Playing.

Either I'll Never Get Rich From The Show But Remain Intensely Proud Of The Work And Stand Behind Every Second Of It, Or It Catches On And I'll Make My Money Down The Road.

I Just Always Loved Comedy And I Really Wanted To Be Good At It. And It Was Heartbreaking, 'cause I Started And I Wasn't Good At It. I Was Only 17-years-old, So I Had A Lot To Learn About Life In General. But I Just Kept On Trying. I Was Young Enough And Stupid Enough And I Had No Other Choice. I Had Nothing Else I Was Good At.

I Never Viewed Money As Being 'my Money' I Always Saw It As 'the Money.' It's A Resource. If It Pools Up Around Me Then It Needs To Be Flushed Back Out Into The System.

I Just Don't Trust Any Of It. Every Time I Read Something About How There's Been Another Ridiculous Climb Of The Dow Jones, There's A Part Of Me That Goes, “this Can't Be Good.” None Of This Is Real Money. You Know What I Mean? It's Not Like There's Actually More Of Anything. It's Just Ideas. When People Are Getting Richer And Richer But They're Not Actually Producing Anything, It Can't End Well.

If I Found Myself Alone On Planet Earth, No Other Humans, I Would Have Sex With A Monkey In Like Two Minutes. Two Minutes. That's Really Not Long Enough To Be Sure You're Alone On The Earth, Even. That's Like... I Walk Outside, It's- There's Not Much Traffic. "oh, My God, It's Just Me! I'm Gonna Have Sex With A Monkey Right Now. Oh, No-there's A Person."

Well, When I Was Younger, I Lied All The Time, Because Once You Understand The Power Of Lying, It's Really Like Magic Because You Transform Reality For People.

Comedians And Feminists... Are Natural Enemies, Because Stereotypically-speaking, Feminists Can't Take A Joke And... Comedians Can't Take Criticism.

Black People Have Slavery. And White People Have Our Own Thing-stuff We Went Though That Hurt Us That We Have To Cope With. Like When They Took Our Slaves Away. That Was Really Hard For Us. So It's Pretty Even.

Sometimes I Try To Take A Nap Before Shows. That Clears My Head.

I Learned That Money Can Be A Lot Of Things,it Can Be Something That Is Hoarded, Fought Over, Protected, Stolen And Withheld. Or It Can Be Like An Energy, Fueled By The Desire, Will, Creative Interest, Need To Laugh, Of Large Groups Of People. And It Can Be Shuffled And Pushed Around And Pooled Together To Fuel A Common Interest, Jokes About Garbage, Penises And Parenthood.

I've Had Two Great Years, Probably Five Good Years. So I Had 20 Years Of Just Kind Of Uncertainty And Suffering And Ego Destruction And Poverty. All These Things. There's No Way I'm Ever Going To Catch Up To The Misery Years. It's Impossible... If I Don't Do Anything Dumb Or I Don't Get A Disease Or Something, And Then I've Got To Five To Eight Years I Think Where It'll Really Be Great And Then It Will Start To Degenerate Like Uranium, You Know?

Breaking Records Is Not Something You Expect To Be Doing. That's Like A Sports Thing, It's Not Usually A Comedy And Writing Thing.

If You Think Everything You've Done Is Great, You're Probably Dumb.

There's Been A Lot Of Simple Vilification Of Right-wing People. It's Really Easy To Say, 'well, You're Christian, You're Anti-this And That, And I Hate You.' But To Me, It's More Interesting To Say, 'what Is This Person Like And How Do They Really Think?'

I Do Love Standup. I Love Comedians. They're My Community. Also, Because I Know So Many Of Them, I Know The Value Of Them. I Know What They Can Do.

You Have To Be Able To Do A Bunch Of Things At Once, And Not Think About Things You're Not Doing While You're Doing Other Things. You Have To Be Disciplined About Not Trying To Do Everything, All At The Same Time. It's Hard And Fun.

A Lot Of Stand-up Specials For Cable Are Meant To Glorify The Comedian. They Put You In A Really Beautiful Theater, And Sometimes They Even Blow A Little Smoke In There To Make It Misty And Sweet. They Make The Guy Look Like He's A Big Rock Star. But Comedy's Not Really Glamorous. It Doesn't Enhance Comedy For It To Look Good.

What Happens After You Die? Lot's Of Things Happen After You Die - They Just Don't Involve You

Everything Is Amazing And Nobody Is Happy

You Could Drive A Rental Car Until You Don't Want It. Just Get Out Of It While It's Moving And Just Walk Away. No, I Don't Feel Like Being In That Car Any Longer. Just Call Hertz. Hi, Your Car Is Drifting Into The Intersection Of 28th And Broadway, If You're Interested. It's Now Your Problem.

God Is Like A Shitty Girlfriend.

I Was A Nerd Growing Up, And I'm A Little Antisocial And Awkward.

I've Tried To Do Away With Lying In My Life In The Last Few Years, But It's Hard.

America's A Family. We All Yell At Each Other. It All Works Out.

I've Had Soccer Moms Come Up And Tell Me They Can Relate When I Say That I Want To Throw My Baby In The Trash.

It’s Been A Very Old Thing For People To Gather Together And Laugh At Stuff. The First Comedian In America Really Was Abraham Lincoln. He Used To Go To A Pub Near Where He Lived And Stand In Front Of The Fire And He Packed The Place Every Night And He Would Just Talk And Bust Everybody In Their Guts. He Was Just A Hilarious Speaker And That’s What He Did.

I Could Never Sit Down And Write Jokes.

You Can Do Eight Things. We Got It Down To Eight For You.

I Think You Have To Try And Fail, Because Failure Gets You Closer To What You're Good At.

You're A Tourist In Sexual Perversion. I'm A Prisoner There.

I Do Actually Use A Boxing Trainer When I Train For Stand-up.

Here's A Huge Amount Of Work That Goes Into Placating A Network In Regular Television. It's Literally 70% Or 80% Of Your Workload, Is Showing Them The Material, Getting Their Notes And Presenting It To Them And Making Sure They Weigh In. It's A Huge Amount Of Work.

There's People That Say “it's Not Fair You Have All That Stuff.” I Wasn't Born With It. It Was A Horrible Process To Get To This. It Took Me My Whole Life. If You're New At This- And By “new At It.” I Mean 15 Years In, Or Even 20- You're Just Starting To Grow Traction. Young Musicians Believe They Should Be Able To Throw A Band Together And Be Famous, And Anything That's In Their Way Is Unfair And Evil. What Are You, In Your 20s, You Picked Up A Guitar? Give It A Minute.

When I Was A Kid There Was A Show Called 'holmes & Yo-yo' About A Robot Cop. I Loved That Show And I Think It Only Lasted Like Three Episodes.

I Did A Show In New Jersey In The Auditorium Of A Technical High School ... Technical High School, That's Where Dreams Are Narrowed Down. We Tell Our Children, "you Can Do Anything You Want." Their Whole Lives. "you Can Do Anything!" But This Place, We Take Kids - They're 15, They're Young - And We Tell Them, "you Can Do Eight Things. We Got It Down To Eight For You."

You Know The Only Thing Happier Than A Three-legged Dog? A Four-legged Dog.

You Have To Be Aware Of Who You're Talking To In An Audience.

People Say There's Delays On Flights. Delays, Really? New York To California In Five Hours, That Used To Take 30 Years, A Bunch Of People Used To Die On The Way There, Have A Baby, You Would End Up With A Whole Different Group Of People By The Time You Got There. Now You Watch A Movie And [go To The Toilet] And You're Home.

You Can Figure Out How Bad A Person You Are By How Soon After September 11th You Masturbated, Like How Long You Waited... And For Me It Was Between The Two Buildings Going Down... I Had To Do It, Otherwise They'd Win.

It's Just A Big Excuse To Say Awful Things.

Fathers Have Skills That They Never Use At Home. You Run A Landscaping Business And You Can't Dress And Feed A Four-year-old? Take It On!

Give A Man A Fish And You Feed Him For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish And You Feed Him For A Lifetime. Leave The Dude Alone And He'll Figure It Out.

If You're A Woman And A Guy's Ever Said Anything Romantic To You, He Just Left Off The Second Part That Would Have Made You Sick If You Could Have Heard It.

My Last Name Is Szekely. Sounds Like Saykay. When I Was A Little Kid I Had An Instructor In Camp Who Called Me Shnizneckely. He Would Make Fun Of My Name And It Hurt My Feelings Because I Was A Little Pussy And I Cried. He Said, 'well, How Do You Say It?' I Said, Seekay. So He Wrote 'c.k' On My Jersey And Everything. He Made My Name 'c.k' And I Just Stuck With It.

You Know What, It's Not Your Life, It's Life. Life Is Bigger Than You, If You Can Imagine That. Life Isn't Something That You Possess, It's Something That You Take Part In And Witness.

There's A Reason It's Called 'girls Gone Wild' And Not 'women Gone Wild'. When Girls Go Wild, They Show Their Tits. When Women Go Wild, They Kill Men And Drown Their Kids In A Tub.

I Thought About Going To Nyu Film School - That Was This Ideal To Me. But I Didn't Make Any Kind Of Grades In High School.

Out Of The People That Ever Were, Almost All Of Them Are Dead. There Are Way More Dead People, And You're All Gonna Die And Then You're Gonna Be Dead For Way Longer Than You're Alive. Like That's Mostly What You're Ever Gonna Be. You're Just Dead People That Didn't Die Yet.

Stereotypically Speaking Feminists Can't Take A Joke. ::audience Boo:: See?

Natural Enemies

Friends Should Always Tell You The Truth. But Please Don’t.

I've Started To Kind Of Hate People, And It's Not Because I Have Anything Against Them. It's Just, I Enjoy It. It's Recreation.

Expensive Quality Work Doesn't Cost More - It Pays.

When You Write From Your Gut And Let The Stuff Stay Flawed And Don't Let Anybody Tell You To Make It Better, It Can End Up Looking Like Nothing Else.

There’s A Need To Perfect Things In A Writers’ Room, And That Can Take A Lot Of Fun Out Of A Show Sometimes. It’s A Struggle. It Depends On Your Personality. Some People Love Working With A Writing Staff. I Had A Great Writing Staff On Lucky Louie, But It Sometimes Felt Like Congress Or Something.

I'm Enjoying The Work While I Get It Right Now.

I Have A Crazy Amount Of Different Jobs, So The Way I Manage That Is To Not Do More Than One At A Time. It's Like Old Computers That Had Small Memory Chips, They Would Do Something Called Swapping, Where They Would Fill The Memory With One Task, Do It And Get It Out.

There's Two Kinds Of Press That You Get When You Put Out A Tv Show: The Reviews, And The People That Just Decide What The Reviews Say.

I'm Not Motivated To Entertain People Through Twitter, So Just By Having Twitter And Not Saying Anything, I Make People Mad.

The Last Jobs I Had Were Fixing Cars And Covering Football Games For A Local Access Tv Station. As In Driving The Mobile Van To The Field, Setting Up 3 Cameras, Teaching Depressed Grownups And Interns How To Use Them And Directing The Game From The Van And Then Wanting To Kill Myself.

[about Being A Father] I Don't Really Remember What It Was Like Before. Whatever I Had Going On, It Was Bullshit. It Wasn't Important. It's Kind Of A Nice Thing About Being A Dad. My Identity Is Really About Them Now, And What I Can Do For Them, So It Sort Of Takes The Pressure Off Of Your Own Life. What Am I Going To Do, Who Am I? Who Cares, You've Got To Get Your Kids To School. So I Like It That Way.

To Me, Art Supplies Are Always Okay To Buy.

It's Kind Of Awkward To Eat Alone In A Restaurant Because Everybody's Looking At Me.

Some People Think It's Demeaning To Victims If You Ever Say Anything Out-loud About Sexual Abuse Of Children. I Don't Know If That's True.

Young People Don't Even Consider That It's A Good Idea To Be Out On The Fringe, Which Is Where Good Ideas Come From.

Talking Is Always Positive. That's Why I Talk Too Much.

I've Always Loved Boxing. It's Something I've Always Been Extremely Excited About.

I Love Comedians. They're My Community.

I'm Not A Political Comedian. That's Just Not What I Do.

When I Am In A Hotel, And I Turn Off The Lights And The Tv, I Just Freak Out. I Turn The Tv Back On And Don't Get Any Sleep.

When I Read Things Like The Foundations Of Capitalism Are Shattering, I'm Like, Maybe We Need That. Maybe We Need Some Time Where We're Walking Around With A Donkey With Pots Clanging On The Sides.

Don't Text Or Twitter During The Show. Just Live Your Life. Don't Keep Telling People What You're Doing. Just, Because Also - Also - It Lights Up Your Big Dumb Face.

We Have White People Problems In America. You Know What That Is? That's When Your Life Is Amazing, So You Just Make Stuff Up To Get Worried About.

Spend Time With Your Kids And Have Your Own Ideas About What They Need. It Won't Take Away Your Manhood; It Will Give It To You.

If You Do Something And People Think You're Stupid, Just Go For Crazy. You Get More Respect That Way Because Nobody Likes Stupid People.

You Have To Do A Show As Honestly As You Can. But You Also Can't Afford Skepticism, Because It's Preparing For Failure, Which Is Useless.

I Find That When People Laugh Really Hard, It's Usually Because They're Connecting And Identifying In A Way That They Hadn't Considered. That's My Payoff.

Anytime You See A Bit Where Some Stranger Does Something To Me, It's Me.

I've Always Got The Road. Stand-up Makes You So Autonomous And Self-sufficient That It Really Helps With That Part Of Show Business.

Maybe God Is An Asshole...of Course Not, He's Not An Asshole, He's Imaginary.

You Have To Be Really Tenacious. You Have To Keep At It. There Are Many Roads To Get There. If You Can Get Yourself Into Harvard, That's A Good Way To Go, Because Every Harvard Graduating Class, The Agencies Come Trolling Around And They'll Look For You. So If You Go To Harvard, You'll Get Found There.

Dating Is Horrible, It's Awful. I Don't Get It. It's Like You're Standing There: 'hi. Do You Want To Have Sex And Later Wish You Hadn't?' It's Horrible. And It's Awkward At 42 Because I Don't Have The Body Or The Drive. I Just Sit In The Car And Hope Somebody Gets In.

Whenever I've Encountered A Christian Saying, 'why Don't You Stop Talking Like That So I Can Hear You?' I Think, 'well You're The One Putting The Earmuffs On, But I Wish You Could Hear Me Because I Like You.'

Credibility Lasts About Two Cycles Of Bad Material, And Then You'll Probably Never Get It Back. If You Let People Down, That's Really Hard To Come Back From - Harder Than Climbing From Nothing To Something, Even.

When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore. And A Lot Of Fathers Live In Kind Of An Avoidance. They Sit On The Toilet For Several Hours A Day... Oh, Honey, It Took Me 40 Minutes To Go To The Post Office... But Once You Become A Dad Without The Mom There, You Have To Take It All On, And You Sort Of Activate Male Skills That You Didn't Know You Could Apply To Fatherhood.

Rob Mcelhenney Who Runs 'it's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.' That Show Absolutely Kills Me And I Am Stunned By The Consistency Of Greatness It Has Maintained Over What Is Now A Record Breaking Amount Of Seasons ... How Do You Do That For So Many Years? My 14-year-old Daughter And I Watch It Together And We Both Laugh Crazy Hard.

Life's Too Short To Be An Asshole, As An Employer Or As An Employee.

Sorry - Americans Only Buy Things That Come From Suffering. They Just Enjoy It More When They Know Someone's Getting Hurt.

If You're A Cartoon Character Or Most Tv Characters, Sure, You'll Fight, Because The Punches Are Juicy-sounding And They Don't Leave Marks. But In Real Life, If Somebody Punches You In The Eye, It Doesn't Make Any Noise And Your Eye Is Swollen For, Like, Six Months. It's A Nightmare To Get Punched In The Eye.

Perception Is Created And Twisted So Quickly.

I Didn't Make Any Kind Of Grades In High School. My Mother Was A Single Mom, Putting My Three Sisters Through College, And I Was Such A Bad Student That I Knew I Had No Right To Take Her Money. But I Loved Being In Classes And Learning. I Took In A Huge Amount Of What I Learned, But I Had A Feeling Of Always Being Behind And Being In Trouble.

Self-love Is A Good Thing But Self-awareness Is More Important. You Need To Once In A While Go ‘uh, I’m Kind Of An Asshole.’

I Get Mad Like Anybody Else Does, But Being Able To Laugh About Getting Mad Is Very Healthy, And My Kids Know That.

Someday, One Of Your Friends Is Gonna Get Divorced, It's Gonna Happen, And They're Gonna Tell You. Don't Go, 'ohhhh I'm Sorry.' That's A Stupid Thing To Say. First Of All You're Making 'em Feel Bad For Being Really Happy, Which Isn't Fair. And Second Of All: Divorce Is Always Good News. I Know That Sounds Weird, But It's True, Because No Good Marriage Has Ever Ended In Divorce. It's Really That Simple.

I've Had, What, Two Years? Probably Five Good Years. Before That I Had Twenty Years Of Uncertainty And Suffering And Ego Destruction And Poverty. All Those Things. That'll Always Outweigh The Good Times.

I Read Something In The Paper That Really Confused Me The Other Day. It Said That 80 Percent Of The People In New York Are Minorities. Shouldn't You Not Call Them Minorities When They Get To Be 80 Percent Of The Population? That's A Very White Attitude, Don't You Think? I Mean, You Could Take A White Guy To Africa And He'd Be Like 'look At All The Minorities Around Here! I'm The Only Majority.'

When I Take My Kids Out For Dinner Or Lunch, People Smile At Us.

Why Can't We Have Racism That's Ignorant But Nice? You Could Have Stereotypes That Are Positive About Race. You Could Say, "those Chinese People, They Can Fly!" "you Know About The Puerto Ricans? They're Made Of Candy!"

Everybody Is Different. Some Comedy Is More Musical Like Steven Wright. His Is A Pillar Of Comedy To Me. He Invented A Whole Form And All His Jokes Are Poems. So It's Different. I Wanted To Do It Like George Carlin. Now I Do It Like Me.

Bill Has Three Goldfish. He Buys Two More. How Many Dogs Live In London?

I Know What It's Like To Have A Bunch Of Material That's Working That You Don't Care About. You Want To Die.

When I See Two Guys Kissing, I'm Like, How Come I Can't Kiss One Of Those Guys? They Look Like They're Having A Good Time.

Television For A Child Creates Such A High Bar Of Stimulus That Nothing Else Competes. A Beautiful Day Is Absolute Crap To A Kid Who Watches Tv.

If I Owned A Network, I Would Never Let A Guy Just Put People On Without Telling Me Who They Are.

I Just Love Learning. I Think Learning Is How You Live. The Verb Of My Life Is Learning.

I Always Tell My Kids To Cut A Sandwich In Half Right When You Get It, And The First Thought You Should Have Is Somebody Else. You Only Ever Need Half A Burger.

Most People Are Dead. Did You Know That? It's True, Out Of All The People That Ever Were, Almost All Of Them Are Dead.

Comedians Work Great As Actors Because They're Good Under Pressure. With A Lot Of Actors, You Have To Make Them Feel Like Everything's Going Really Well To Get A Good Performance Out Of Them. But, If You Have A Comedian On The Set, You Can Tell Them, 'hey, You Really Are Screwing This Up,' And Then They Just Get Better.

Being Popular With An Audience Is A Very Rickety Ladder To Be On.

Here's How My Brain Works: It's Stupidity, Followed By Self-hatred, And Then Further Analysis.

I Spend Enough Time Onscreen Looking Hangdog And Depressed.

I Killed My Facebook Page Years Ago Because Time Clicking Around Is Just Dead Time. Your Brain Isn't Resting And It Isn't Doing. I Think People Have To Get Their Heads Around This Thing. All This Unmitigated Input Is Hurting Folks.

To Me, There's A Huge Difference Between Criticism And Reviewing. I Really Love Reading Good Criticism Of Television And Film. To Me, A Critic Is Someone Who Analyzes A Show, Describes It, Talks About The People In It, Puts It In Historical Context Of Other Shows Like It, Compares It And Stuff, And Then Talks About The Intent Of The Show And Whether It Failed Or Didn't.

When I Got Divorced, I Thought 'well, There Goes My Act.'

There's Nothing That Beats Proving You're Funny By Making A Funny Thing, And Right Now There Are Huge Outlets For That, With You Tube And All The Other Stuff Online.

If The Whole Country Had To Have The Same Conversation That Was Safe For Everybody, It Would Be A Pretty Awful Place To Live. There Wouldn't Be A Conversation.

Most People Are Dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some Other Guys. But Mostly Those Two.

...then I Got Divorced And Everything Changed, And I Became A Father In A Whole New Way And Found A Whole New Set Of Difficulties.

One Time I Was At A Swimming Pool With My Kids, A Public Pool. I Had My Daughter, My Six Year Old, On My Arm Like This. She Was Like Clamped On, And She's Kicking. ... And Then She Got Off And Another Random Child Just Clamped On. It's Like A Rat. "get Off Of Me." "but I Love You." "i Don't Know You, Kid."

Plenty Of Crazy People In New York. There Are So Many Crazy People Here, I Think It's Like One Out Of Every One Person Is Completely Out Of Their Mind.

I Know I'm Getting Old Because There Will Be Times When I'm Not Even Doing Anything And I'll Think, 'i Need To Go Wipe My Ass Right Now.'

One Time, I Threw A Candy Wrapper On The Street. I Was With A Friend Who Said To Me, You Just Littered On The Street! Don't You Care About The Environment? And I Thought About It, And I Said, You Know What? This Isn't The Environment. This Is New York City. New York City Is Not The Environment. New York City Is A Giant Piece Of Litter. Next To Mexico City, It's The Shittiest Piece Of Litter In The World. Just A Pussy, Runny, Smokin', Stinkin' Piece Of Litter.

All Talking Is Good, Negative And Positive. Stabbing Is Bad; Talking Is Good.

It's Easier To Cancel A Show If It's Expensive.

If You're Older, You're Smarter. I Just Believe That. If You're In An Argument With Someone Older Than You, You Should Listen To 'em ... Even If They're Wrong, Their Wrongness Is Rooted In More Information Than You Have.

Apple Embodies A Lot Of What Have Been Defined As Feminine Traits: An Emphasis On Intuitive Design, Intellect, A Strong Sense Of Creativity, And That Striving To Always Make The Greatest Version Of Something.

There Are People That Really Live By Doing The Right Thing, But I Don't Know What That Is, I'm Really Curious About That. I'm Really Curious About What People Think They're Doing When They're Doing Something Evil, Casually. I Think It's Really Interesting, That We Benefit From Suffering So Much, And We Excuse Ourselves From It.

Everything's Amazing Right Now, And Nobody's Happy.

Some Things I Think Are Very Conservative, Or Very Liberal. I Think When Someone Falls Into One Category For Everything, I'm Very Suspicious. It Doesn't Make Sense To Me That You'd Have The Same Solution To Every Issue.

Trending Author

Category