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Working In Tv And Navigating Success Is A Tricky Thing. It's Easier To Navigate The Hard Work Of Starting Out Because You Just Do Anything They Let You Do, But Once You Get Into An Orbit, After The Thrusters Have Pushed You Into The Orbit, Now You Have To Navigate That Orbit. There's No Choices When You're Starting Out. You're Just Like, "please, Let Me Do Anything." But Then It Turns Around And It's Like, "we'll Let You Do Anything".

-Louis C. K.

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Working In Tv And

Louis C. K.

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Working In Tv And Navigating Success Is A Tricky Thing. It's Easier To Navigate The Hard Work Of Starting Out Because You Just Do Anything They Let You Do, But Once You Get Into An Orbit, After The Thrusters Have Pushed You Into The Orbit, Now You Have To Navigate That Orbit. There's No Choices When You're Starting Out. You're Just Like, "please, Let Me Do Anything." But Then It Turns Around And It's Like, "we'll Let You Do Anything".

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I've Always Loved Boxing. It's Something I've Always Been Extremely Excited About.

I'm Close To My Audience. I Think I Have More Tools In My Box Than Other Guys Who Might Try It. Also, I Know How To Do This Stuff. I Know How To Write And Shoot And Edit. I'm Technically Adept And That Helped With The Website. You Need A Big Skill Set.

Bill Gates Has 90 Billion Dollars ... If I Had 90 Billion Dollars, I Wouldn't Have It For Long Because I Would Just Dream Of All The Crazy Stuff I Could Do With It. This Guy, 90 Billion Dollars. He Could Buy Every Baseball Team And Make Them All Wear Dresses And Still Have 88 Billion Dollars.

Some People Think It's Demeaning To Victims If You Ever Say Anything Out-loud About Sexual Abuse Of Children. I Don't Know If That's True.

Perception Is Created And Twisted So Quickly.

I Don't Have A Brother In Real Life.

I Would Rather Be With My Kids Than Anybody Else.

When I See Two Guys Kissing, I'm Like, How Come I Can't Kiss One Of Those Guys? They Look Like They're Having A Good Time.

Life's Too Short To Be An Asshole, As An Employer Or As An Employee.

Performing Comedy, You Develop A Rhythm Of Ideas And Laughs. I Live For It.

I'm Not Sure Why I'm So Often Disgusting On Stage. I Don't Always Know Where It Comes From.

Plenty Of Crazy People In New York. There Are So Many Crazy People Here, I Think It's Like One Out Of Every One Person Is Completely Out Of Their Mind.

I Spend Enough Time Onscreen Looking Hangdog And Depressed.

When I Was First Divorced, I Started Dating Younger Women, And It Was Really Exciting. But After A While I Was Like, 'this Is Just Dumb.'

I've Learned From Experience That If You Work Harder At It, And Apply More Energy And Time To It, And More Consistency, You Get A Better Result. It Comes From The Work.

Dating Is Horrible, It's Awful. I Don't Get It. It's Like You're Standing There: 'hi. Do You Want To Have Sex And Later Wish You Hadn't?' It's Horrible. And It's Awkward At 42 Because I Don't Have The Body Or The Drive. I Just Sit In The Car And Hope Somebody Gets In.

You Ever Go To Shop For Tuna, And It Says "dolphin Safe", And You Look At It And Kind Of Go, "yeah, But"-like Somehow You Think It's Not Going To Be As Good? Like, "i Want To Do The Right Thing-but It's Probably Kind Of Bland Without The Dolphin."

In 27 Years Doing This, I've Seen A Handful Of Truly Great, Masterful Standup Sets. One Was Tig Notaro Last Night At Largo.

Credibility Lasts About Two Cycles Of Bad Material, And Then You'll Probably Never Get It Back. If You Let People Down, That's Really Hard To Come Back From - Harder Than Climbing From Nothing To Something, Even.

I've Always Got The Road. Stand-up Makes You So Autonomous And Self-sufficient That It Really Helps With That Part Of Show Business.

I Could Never Sit Down And Write Jokes.

The Jackass Movies Are Honestly Some Of The Best Movies I've Ever Seen. I Laugh So Hard At Them. Those Guys Are Geniuses. If They Had Grown Up With A Different Group Of People, They Could've Been Performance Artists At Bard College, And People Would Be Writing Papers About Them.

I've Had Soccer Moms Come Up And Tell Me They Can Relate When I Say That I Want To Throw My Baby In The Trash.

One Time I Was At A Swimming Pool With My Kids, A Public Pool. I Had My Daughter, My Six Year Old, On My Arm Like This. She Was Like Clamped On, And She's Kicking. ... And Then She Got Off And Another Random Child Just Clamped On. It's Like A Rat. "get Off Of Me." "but I Love You." "i Don't Know You, Kid."

I Don't Like Waking Up. I Feel Like Staying In Bed Usually, But I Can't Because I've Got Two Kids Standing Next To My Bed, Just Eager To Live Another Day.

You’ll Be Fine. You’re 25. Feeling [unsure] And Lost Is Part Of Your Path. Don’t Avoid It. See What Those Feelings Are Showing You And Use It. Take A Breath. You’ll Be Okay. Even If You Don’t Feel Okay All The Time.

The Earliest Stand-up Comedy I Was Aware Of Was Bill Cosby. I Watched Saturday Night Live As Soon As I Was Aware Of It, And Monty Python Used To Be On Pbs At Weird Hours, So I Used To Try To Watch That. And I Loved George Carlin On Snl, That Was The First Stand-up I Ever Really Remember Seeing On Tv. And Then Steve Martin. I Guess I Was In Fifth Or Sixth Grade When Steve Martin Showed Up, And He Was Instantly My Idol. And Richard Pryor Around The Same Time Too, I Sort Of Became Aware Of Him, Though I Don't Remember The First Time I Saw Him.

I'm A Good Citizen. I'm A Good Father. I Recycle And I Masturbate.

What We've Done With Our Modern Food Supply Is Absolute Insanity. It's Not Even Real Any More. You Used To Be Able To Give A Kid An Apple And They Would Love It. Kids Can't Even Taste Apples Any More. Apples Taste Like Paper To Kids Now.

I Wish I Could [keep A Journal]. I Have A Lot Of Journals With One Page Half Written In. I Sometimes Will Write Myself A Quick Email On My Blackberry When I Think Of Something.

The Only Time You Should Look In Your Neighbor's Bowl Is To Make Sure That They Have Enough. You Don't Look In Your Neighbor's Bowl To See If You Have As Much As Them.

For My Scale, How I Grew Up And Live My Life, I'm Making Plenty Of Money.

I Do Actually Use A Boxing Trainer When I Train For Stand-up.

Give A Man A Fish And You Feed Him For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish And You Feed Him For A Lifetime. Leave The Dude Alone And He'll Figure It Out.

Sometimes I Try To Take A Nap Before Shows. That Clears My Head.

Comedians Work Great As Actors Because They're Good Under Pressure. With A Lot Of Actors, You Have To Make Them Feel Like Everything's Going Really Well To Get A Good Performance Out Of Them. But, If You Have A Comedian On The Set, You Can Tell Them, 'hey, You Really Are Screwing This Up,' And Then They Just Get Better.

I Don't Stop Eating When I'm Full. The Meal Isn't Over When I'm Full. It's Over When I Hate Myself.

I Can Feel How An Audience Is Reacting When I'm On A Stage, But When You Are On Stage, Your Perception Is Distorted. That's Something You Just Have To Know. It's Like Pilots That Fly At High Gs And They Lose, Sometimes, Consciousness And Hand/eye Coordination And They Just Have To Know That That's Going To Happen. They Have To Be Trained To Not Try To Do Too Much While They Are Doing That. So When You Are On Stage, You Have To Be Aware That You Are Wrong About How It Feels A Lot Of Times.

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I Learned That Money Can Be A Lot Of Things,it Can Be Something That Is Hoarded, Fought Over, Protected, Stolen And Withheld. Or It Can Be Like An Energy, Fueled By The Desire, Will, Creative Interest, Need To Laugh, Of Large Groups Of People. And It Can Be Shuffled And Pushed Around And Pooled Together To Fuel A Common Interest, Jokes About Garbage, Penises And Parenthood.

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To Me, There's A Huge Difference Between Criticism And Reviewing. I Really Love Reading Good Criticism Of Television And Film. To Me, A Critic Is Someone Who Analyzes A Show, Describes It, Talks About The People In It, Puts It In Historical Context Of Other Shows Like It, Compares It And Stuff, And Then Talks About The Intent Of The Show And Whether It Failed Or Didn't.

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Cars And Cameras Are The Two Things I Let Myself Be Materialistic About. I Don't Care About Other Stuff.

You Can Figure Out How Bad A Person You Are By How Soon After September 11th You Masturbated, Like How Long You Waited... And For Me It Was Between The Two Buildings Going Down... I Had To Do It, Otherwise They'd Win.

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It's More Fun To Experience Things When You Don't Know What's Going To Happen.

When My Kids Were Younger, I Used To Avoid Them. I Used To Sit On The Toilet 'til My Legs Fell Asleep. You Want To Know Why Your Father Spends So Long In The Toilet? Because He's Not Sure He Wants To Be A Father.

I Was Raised By A Hard-working Single Mother, So My First Role Model Was A Woman. My Only Caretaker Was A Woman, And I Have Three Sisters, So My Community Was Girls. I Have Two Girls, And My Dog Is A Girl. My Dead Dog Was A Girl. I Don't Know. I Guess I've Always Keyed In On That Perspective.

Self-love Is A Good Thing But Self-awareness Is More Important. You Need To Once In A While Go ‘uh, I’m Kind Of An Asshole.’

I Love Being Married. It's Great. But I Hate Arguing. I Hate Fighting. You Know What I Do Now? When We Get In An Argument, I Just Take Her Side Against Me. It's Just Easier; It Goes Quicker. She's Like, "what's Wrong With You?" And I'm Like, "i Know! Damn It! Argh!"

When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore.

It's Just A Big Excuse To Say Awful Things.

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If You Can Survive Disappointment, Nothing Can Beat You

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Natural Enemies

It's Kind Of Awkward To Eat Alone In A Restaurant Because Everybody's Looking At Me.

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I Just Always Loved Comedy And I Really Wanted To Be Good At It. And It Was Heartbreaking, 'cause I Started And I Wasn't Good At It. I Was Only 17-years-old, So I Had A Lot To Learn About Life In General. But I Just Kept On Trying. I Was Young Enough And Stupid Enough And I Had No Other Choice. I Had Nothing Else I Was Good At.

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I Don't Have A Room Full Of Writers Pitching Ideas. It's Just Me Out Of My Head.

I’m Bored’ Is A Useless Thing To Say. I Mean, You Live In A Great, Big, Vast World That You’ve Seen None Percent Of. Even The Inside Of Your Own Mind Is Endless; It Goes On Forever, Inwardly, Do You Understand? The Fact That You’re Alive Is Amazing, So You Don’t Get To Say ‘i’m Bored.

I've Been Having A Lot Of Trouble Sleeping As We All Should. I Dunno. You Don't Live That Long. It Doesn't Matter.

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You Have To Do A Show As Honestly As You Can. But You Also Can't Afford Skepticism, Because It's Preparing For Failure, Which Is Useless.

I Don't Have Sex Drive... I Have Sex 'just Sit In The Car And Hope Someone Gets In'.

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There's No Such Thing As A Cheap Laugh.

I Find That When People Laugh Really Hard, It's Usually Because They're Connecting And Identifying In A Way That They Hadn't Considered. That's My Payoff.

My Kids Used To Love Math. Now It Makes Them Cry. Thanks Standardized Testing And Common Core!

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The Greatest Thing About Having A Child Is Putting Yourself Second In Your Own Life. It's A Massive Gift To Be Able To Say You're Not The Most Important Person To Yourself.

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Here's How My Brain Works: It's Stupidity, Followed By Self-hatred, And Then Further Analysis.

A Lot Of Tv Is Put Together By Teams, By Writing Staffs And Several Different Directors. It's A Great, Very Smart Way To Make Television. It's Worked For However Long Tv's Been Around.

Stand-up Is Probably The Most Solo Performance In Art.

A Lot Of Stand-up Specials For Cable Are Meant To Glorify The Comedian. They Put You In A Really Beautiful Theater, And Sometimes They Even Blow A Little Smoke In There To Make It Misty And Sweet. They Make The Guy Look Like He's A Big Rock Star. But Comedy's Not Really Glamorous. It Doesn't Enhance Comedy For It To Look Good.

We Have White People Problems In America. You Know What That Is? That's When Your Life Is Amazing, So You Just Make Stuff Up To Get Worried About.

I've Had, What, Two Years? Probably Five Good Years. Before That I Had Twenty Years Of Uncertainty And Suffering And Ego Destruction And Poverty. All Those Things. That'll Always Outweigh The Good Times.

People Don't Talk To Me On Airplanes.

I Killed My Facebook Page Years Ago Because Time Clicking Around Is Just Dead Time. Your Brain Isn't Resting And It Isn't Doing. I Think People Have To Get Their Heads Around This Thing. All This Unmitigated Input Is Hurting Folks.

Fathers Have Skills That They Never Use At Home. You Run A Landscaping Business And You Can't Dress And Feed A Four-year-old? Take It On!

I Don't Think Women Are Better Than Men, I Think Men Are A Lot Worse Than Women.

You Know The Only Thing Happier Than A Three-legged Dog? A Four-legged Dog.

I Love Stand-up More Than Anything, And I'm So Happy To Have Found A Way To Use It In The Show.

My Kids Are Really Easy. I Often Worry That They're Too Easy To Deal With. They're Really Nice People.

Why Can't We Have Racism That's Ignorant But Nice? You Could Have Stereotypes That Are Positive About Race. You Could Say, "those Chinese People, They Can Fly!" "you Know About The Puerto Ricans? They're Made Of Candy!"

Whenever I've Encountered A Christian Saying, 'why Don't You Stop Talking Like That So I Can Hear You?' I Think, 'well You're The One Putting The Earmuffs On, But I Wish You Could Hear Me Because I Like You.'

I'm Not Raising The Children, I'm Raising The Grown Ups That They're Going To Be.

My Uncles Were All Funny. My Dad Wasn't Funny, But My Uncles Were All Funny. Now I Go Back And I Like Him Better Than Them, They Were Manipulative Funny.

I Don't Care About The Weight. You Know, I'm Lucky; I'm One Of Those People - I Can Eat Donuts, Whatever, And I Just Get Fat.

I've Tried To Do Away With Lying In My Life In The Last Few Years, But It's Hard.

There's Nowhere I Won't Go. As Long As It's Horribly, Horribly True And/or Wrong.

Out Of The People That Ever Were, Almost All Of Them Are Dead. There Are Way More Dead People, And You're All Gonna Die And Then You're Gonna Be Dead For Way Longer Than You're Alive. Like That's Mostly What You're Ever Gonna Be. You're Just Dead People That Didn't Die Yet.

When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore. And A Lot Of Fathers Live In Kind Of An Avoidance. They Sit On The Toilet For Several Hours A Day... Oh, Honey, It Took Me 40 Minutes To Go To The Post Office... But Once You Become A Dad Without The Mom There, You Have To Take It All On, And You Sort Of Activate Male Skills That You Didn't Know You Could Apply To Fatherhood.

Friends Should Always Tell You The Truth. But Please Don’t.

You Can't Direct Without A Good Crew.

My Bank Is The Worst. They Are Screwing Me. You Know What They Did To Me? They're Charging Me Money For Not Having Enough Money. Apparently, When You're Broke, That Costs Money.

If You Had A Jetpack You'd Be Like I Have The Shittiest Jetpack. Who's Your Service Provider On Your Jetpack? Did They Make The New One? I Hate This Thing.

Kids Are Like Buckets Of Disease That Live In Your House.

I Do Feel A Lot Of Times Like I'm Out Of My League With My Kids In Terms Of What My Responsibility Is.

I Don't Like Comedy. I Like Funny Things. I Don't Like Comedy. Like, Comedy Movies Are Just, 'oh Jesus.'

If You're A Woman And A Guy's Ever Said Anything Romantic To You, He Just Left Off The Second Part That Would Have Made You Sick If You Could Have Heard It.

I Don't Think It Makes Any Sense To Try To Get Anyone To Not Talk.

You Have To Be Able To Do A Bunch Of Things At Once, And Not Think About Things You're Not Doing While You're Doing Other Things. You Have To Be Disciplined About Not Trying To Do Everything, All At The Same Time. It's Hard And Fun.

I Like Being Full, Every Day, With Stuff That I Have To Do.

How Do Women Still Go Out With Guys, When You Consider The Fact That There Is No Greater Threat To Women Than Men? We're The Number One Threat To Women. Globally And Historically, We're The Number One Cause Of Injury And Mayhem To Women... You Know What Our Number One Threat Is? Heart Disease.

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People Are Always Fighting For Attention With Things Now Because There's So Much Content. Actually, If You Don't Tell People Stuff - You Just Keep Your Mouth Shut - You Don't Have To Whisper It, You Just Don't Yell. Take The Bullhorn Off Your Mouth And It's A Secret.

Pushing The Envelope' Sort Of Implies That You're Inside The Envelope With Everyone Else, And You're Trying To Find The Edges On The Outsides.

Sometimes I Just Want To Tell A Story Regardless Of Whether It Fits What The Show Is Saying. I’ve Been In A Lot Of Writing Rooms Where Somebody Says An Idea And Everyone’s Dying, Like Laughing So They’re Delirious. It’s Like A Black Hole In A Good Way, Everything Starts To Fall Into It, You Know What I Mean.

You Would Never Do Stand-up Without An Audience. I Mean, No One Would Even Consider It. It's Like They're The Instrument You're Playing.

Human Kindness Has No Reward. You Should Give To Others In Every Way You See. Expect Absolutely Nothing From Anyone. It Should Be Your Goal To Love Every Human You Encounter. All Human Suffering That You're Aware Of And Continues Without Your Effort To Stop It Becomes Your Crime.

You Have To Be Really Tenacious. You Have To Keep At It. There Are Many Roads To Get There. If You Can Get Yourself Into Harvard, That's A Good Way To Go, Because Every Harvard Graduating Class, The Agencies Come Trolling Around And They'll Look For You. So If You Go To Harvard, You'll Get Found There.

When I Am In A Hotel, And I Turn Off The Lights And The Tv, I Just Freak Out. I Turn The Tv Back On And Don't Get Any Sleep.

There's Two Kinds Of Press That You Get When You Put Out A Tv Show: The Reviews, And The People That Just Decide What The Reviews Say.

I Was A Nerd Growing Up, And I'm A Little Antisocial And Awkward.

Everything Is Amazing And Nobody Is Happy

Life Isn't Something You Possess. It's Something You Take Part In, And You Witness.

I Don't Have A Gun, But If I Did, I Would Shoot A Baby Deer In The Mouth And Feel Nothing.

The Problem Is, The More Famous You Get, The More People See You Who Didn't Choose To.

I'm Not A Political Comedian. That's Just Not What I Do.

Most People Are Dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some Other Guys. But Mostly Those Two.

If I Owned A Network, I Would Never Let A Guy Just Put People On Without Telling Me Who They Are.

Here's A Huge Amount Of Work That Goes Into Placating A Network In Regular Television. It's Literally 70% Or 80% Of Your Workload, Is Showing Them The Material, Getting Their Notes And Presenting It To Them And Making Sure They Weigh In. It's A Huge Amount Of Work.

When Your Kid Is Being Selfish Or Greedy And You Want To Help Them Not Be That Way, You Have To Find A Way To Articulate It And Inspire Them.

When You Write From Your Gut And Let The Stuff Stay Flawed And Don't Let Anybody Tell You To Make It Better, It Can End Up Looking Like Nothing Else.

Life Is Full Of Horrible Mistakes.

I Just Love Learning. I Think Learning Is How You Live. The Verb Of My Life Is Learning.

Breaking Records Is Not Something You Expect To Be Doing. That's Like A Sports Thing, It's Not Usually A Comedy And Writing Thing.

If The Whole Country Had To Have The Same Conversation That Was Safe For Everybody, It Would Be A Pretty Awful Place To Live. There Wouldn't Be A Conversation.

I'm Bored' Is A Useless Thing To Say. You Live In A Great, Big, Vast World That You've Seen None Percent Of.

I Wish I Could Know Everything Ever, Like That Would Be My Wish - That's What I Hope Heaven Is, That They Tell You Who Shot Jfk And All That Stuff.

Don't Text Or Twitter During The Show. Just Live Your Life. Don't Keep Telling People What You're Doing. Just, Because Also - Also - It Lights Up Your Big Dumb Face.

You Know, The People Who Do Indie Film And Decide Who Gets Those Little Budgets? They're Mean, Man. They're Cold And Very Cool-oriented.

My Ex-wife, She Really Didn't Like The Material That I Did. And That's Something I Regret, That I Wasn't More Careful About Making Sure That She Was O.k. With It. I Just Sort Of Didn't Ask. So That's How That Goes.

My Show Is Sort Of A Short-film Anthology, And I'm Able To Tell Little Stories That Don't Necessarily Carry A Whole Episode In Terms Of Narrative. I Like The Audience Not Being Sure What They're Getting. I Think It's More Fun To Watch Something When You're Discovering It As You Go Along.

I Used To Like People More, But Now I Have Children And That Changes Your Life In A Lot Of Ways. Like You Spend Time With People You Never Would Have Chosen To Spend Time With, Not In A Million Years. I Spend Whole Days With People, I'm Like, "i Never Would Have Hung Out With You. I Didn't Choose You. Our Children Chose Each Other Based On No Criteria By The Way. They're The Same Size. They Don't Care Who They Make Me Hang Out With."

Most People Are Dead. Did You Know That? It's True, Out Of All The People That Ever Were, Almost All Of Them Are Dead.

I Grew Up In A Generation That Had Exponential Technological Advances.

There Are People That Really Live By Doing The Right Thing, But I Don't Know What That Is, I'm Really Curious About That. I'm Really Curious About What People Think They're Doing When They're Doing Something Evil, Casually. I Think It's Really Interesting, That We Benefit From Suffering So Much, And We Excuse Ourselves From It.

You're A Tourist In Sexual Perversion. I'm A Prisoner There.

Some Entertainers Don't Pay Attention To What's Going On Around Them.

Talking Is Always Positive. That's Why I Talk Too Much.

To Me The Goal Of Comedy Is To Just Laugh, Which Is A Really High Hearted Thing, Visceral Connection And Reaction.

If You Do Something And People Think You're Stupid, Just Go For Crazy. You Get More Respect That Way Because Nobody Likes Stupid People.

To Me, It's Very Exhilarating When Somebody Else Does A Great Thing, And It's Not Me.

Maybe God Is An Asshole...of Course Not, He's Not An Asshole, He's Imaginary.

A Very Painful Part Of Being A Parent Is Having Really Negative Feelings About Your Children When You Love Them So Much.

People Come Back From Flights And Tell You A Story Like It's A Horror Story. That's How Bad They Make It Sound. They're Like, 'it Was The Worst Day Of My Life. We Didn't Board For 20 Minutes And They Made Us Sit There On The Runway For 40 Minutes.' Oh Really? What Happened Next? Did You Fly In The Air, Incredibly, Like A Bird? Did You Partake In The Miracle Of Human Flight You Non-contributing Zero?'

There's No Real Preparing At Home For Stand-up. You Just Go And You Just Do It.

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There's People That Say “it's Not Fair You Have All That Stuff.” I Wasn't Born With It. It Was A Horrible Process To Get To This. It Took Me My Whole Life. If You're New At This- And By “new At It.” I Mean 15 Years In, Or Even 20- You're Just Starting To Grow Traction. Young Musicians Believe They Should Be Able To Throw A Band Together And Be Famous, And Anything That's In Their Way Is Unfair And Evil. What Are You, In Your 20s, You Picked Up A Guitar? Give It A Minute.

You Know When You See A Mother Someplace Just Melting Down On Her Kid? She's Like, 'shut Up, I Hate You, You're Ugly!'... Any Parents There Are Thinking, 'what Did That Shitty Kid Do To That Poor Woman? That Poor Woman. I Wish I Could Help.'

There's No Way You Ask Sean Penn A Question And Then, You're Gonna Be Huge !

The Ability To Just Sit There. That's Being A Person.

All Talking Is Good, Negative And Positive. Stabbing Is Bad; Talking Is Good.

Well, When I Was Younger, I Lied All The Time, Because Once You Understand The Power Of Lying, It's Really Like Magic Because You Transform Reality For People.

You Know What Our Number One Threat Is? Heart Disease.

I'm Enjoying The Work While I Get It Right Now.

I Didn't Make Any Kind Of Grades In High School. My Mother Was A Single Mom, Putting My Three Sisters Through College, And I Was Such A Bad Student That I Knew I Had No Right To Take Her Money. But I Loved Being In Classes And Learning. I Took In A Huge Amount Of What I Learned, But I Had A Feeling Of Always Being Behind And Being In Trouble.

If You Think Everything You've Done Is Great, You're Probably Dumb.

It’s Been A Very Old Thing For People To Gather Together And Laugh At Stuff. The First Comedian In America Really Was Abraham Lincoln. He Used To Go To A Pub Near Where He Lived And Stand In Front Of The Fire And He Packed The Place Every Night And He Would Just Talk And Bust Everybody In Their Guts. He Was Just A Hilarious Speaker And That’s What He Did.

I Never Viewed Money As Being 'my Money' I Always Saw It As 'the Money.' It's A Resource. If It Pools Up Around Me Then It Needs To Be Flushed Back Out Into The System.

Comedy Isn't Polite And It Isn't Correct And It Isn't Accurate, Even. It's Just A Mess. So That's The Way That I Approach It.

Sorry - Americans Only Buy Things That Come From Suffering. They Just Enjoy It More When They Know Someone's Getting Hurt.

People Say There's Delays On Flights. Delays, Really? New York To California In Five Hours, That Used To Take 30 Years, A Bunch Of People Used To Die On The Way There, Have A Baby, You Would End Up With A Whole Different Group Of People By The Time You Got There. Now You Watch A Movie And [go To The Toilet] And You're Home.

There's A Reason It's Called 'girls Gone Wild' And Not 'women Gone Wild'. When Girls Go Wild, They Show Their Tits. When Women Go Wild, They Kill Men And Drown Their Kids In A Tub.

You Need To Build An Ability To Just Be Yourself, And Not Be Doing Something.

Just Be Yourself

I Have A Lot Of Beliefs, And I Live By None Of Them - That's Just The Way I Am They Make Me Feel Good About Who I Am.

Well, I Think “likability” Is An Overused Word. I Don’t Watch People 'cause I Like Them; I Watch Them Because They’re Compelling. Sympathetic Is A Little Different... Likable Just Thins You Out. Working To Make A Character Likable Is What Kills Most Tv Shows.

If I'm Not On Tour, I Can Run Down To The Comedy Club And Do A Little Stand-up. If You're An Actor, You Can't Go - I Guess There's Forms Of It.

The Only Road To Doing Good Shows, Is Doing Bad Shows.

God Is Like A Shitty Girlfriend.

Spend Time With Your Kids And Have Your Own Ideas About What They Need. It Won't Take Away Your Manhood; It Will Give It To You.

I've Had Two Great Years, Probably Five Good Years. So I Had 20 Years Of Just Kind Of Uncertainty And Suffering And Ego Destruction And Poverty. All These Things. There's No Way I'm Ever Going To Catch Up To The Misery Years. It's Impossible... If I Don't Do Anything Dumb Or I Don't Get A Disease Or Something, And Then I've Got To Five To Eight Years I Think Where It'll Really Be Great And Then It Will Start To Degenerate Like Uranium, You Know?

I Don't Feel Those Limits When I'm On Stage. For Some Reason, Audiences Let Me Get Away With Things. Remember, It's All Comedy. Words. Thoughts. All Thoughts Are Safe And Worth Exploring.

I Have A Lot Of Beliefs... And I Live By None Of Them...

Everybody Is Different. Some Comedy Is More Musical Like Steven Wright. His Is A Pillar Of Comedy To Me. He Invented A Whole Form And All His Jokes Are Poems. So It's Different. I Wanted To Do It Like George Carlin. Now I Do It Like Me.

Race Doesn't Mean What It Used To In America Anymore. It Just Doesn't. Obama's Black, But He's Not Black The Way People Used To Define That. Is Black Your Experience Or The Color Of Your Skin? My Experience Is As A Mexican Immigrant, More So Than Someone Like George Lopez. He's From California. But He'll Be Treated As An Immigrant. I Am An Outsider. My Abuelita, My Grandmother, Didn't Speak English. My Whole Family On My Dad's Side Is In Mexico. I Won't Ever Be Called That Or Treated That Way, But It Was My Experience.

One Thing I Learned From Drinking Is That If You Ever Go Christmas Caroling, You Should Go With A Group Of People. And Also Go In Mid-december.

I'd Like To Name My Kid A Whole Phrase. You Know, Something Like Ladies And Gentlemen. That'll Be A Cool Name For A Kid. This Is My Son, Ladies And Gentlemen! Then, When He Gets Out Of Hand, I Get To Go, Ladies And Gentlemen, Please!

I Remember The Day I Saw My Hair Was Thinning. I Don't Remember Caring Much. I Don't Care. It's Just Hair. It Never Bothered Me Much. I Was Pretty Young, Too. And It Happened And Is Happening Very Slowly. I Have A Feeling Dead People Get Really Mad When We Complain About Losing Hair.

Working In Tv And Navigating Success Is A Tricky Thing. It's Easier To Navigate The Hard Work Of Starting Out Because You Just Do Anything They Let You Do, But Once You Get Into An Orbit, After The Thrusters Have Pushed You Into The Orbit, Now You Have To Navigate That Orbit. There's No Choices When You're Starting Out. You're Just Like, "please, Let Me Do Anything." But Then It Turns Around And It's Like, "we'll Let You Do Anything".

I Read Something In The Paper That Really Confused Me The Other Day. It Said That 80 Percent Of The People In New York Are Minorities. Shouldn't You Not Call Them Minorities When They Get To Be 80 Percent Of The Population? That's A Very White Attitude, Don't You Think? I Mean, You Could Take A White Guy To Africa And He'd Be Like 'look At All The Minorities Around Here! I'm The Only Majority.'

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Deborah Norville

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