Background Image

...

I Learned That Money Can Be A Lot Of Things,it Can Be Something That Is Hoarded, Fought Over, Protected, Stolen And Withheld. Or It Can Be Like An Energy, Fueled By The Desire, Will, Creative Interest, Need To Laugh, Of Large Groups Of People. And It Can Be Shuffled And Pushed Around And Pooled Together To Fuel A Common Interest, Jokes About Garbage, Penises And Parenthood.

-Louis C. K.

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

I Learned That Money

Louis C. K.

...

I Learned That Money Can Be A Lot Of Things,it Can Be Something That Is Hoarded, Fought Over, Protected, Stolen And Withheld. Or It Can Be Like An Energy, Fueled By The Desire, Will, Creative Interest, Need To Laugh, Of Large Groups Of People. And It Can Be Shuffled And Pushed Around And Pooled Together To Fuel A Common Interest, Jokes About Garbage, Penises And Parenthood.

Views: 5

Topic

More From Louis C. K.

I Spend Enough Time Onscreen Looking Hangdog And Depressed.

Everything That's Difficult You Should Be Able To Laugh About.

To Me The Goal Of Comedy Is To Just Laugh, Which Is A Really High Hearted Thing, Visceral Connection And Reaction.

I'm Bored' Is A Useless Thing To Say. You Live In A Great, Big, Vast World That You've Seen None Percent Of.

I Was A Nerd Growing Up, And I'm A Little Antisocial And Awkward.

It's Hard To Know Where Your Thoughts Come From, Especially When You Have A Thirst For Material Because You Need It Professionally.

Well, I Think “likability” Is An Overused Word. I Don’t Watch People 'cause I Like Them; I Watch Them Because They’re Compelling. Sympathetic Is A Little Different... Likable Just Thins You Out. Working To Make A Character Likable Is What Kills Most Tv Shows.

You Can't Cancel My Stand-up Tours. It's Impossible. There's Too Many Separate Bosses. There Is No 'bosses.'

I've Tried To Do Away With Lying In My Life In The Last Few Years, But It's Hard.

I Like Pressure. Pressure Doesn't Make Me Crack. It's Enabling. I Eat Pressure, And There Might Be Times When I Get A Bad Feeling In My Gut That This Might Be Too Much, But You Feel Pressure When You're Not Doing Something, You Know?

We Have White People Problems In America. You Know What That Is? That's When Your Life Is Amazing, So You Just Make Stuff Up To Get Worried About.

When I Read Things Like The Foundations Of Capitalism Are Shattering, I'm Like, Maybe We Need That. Maybe We Need Some Time Where We're Walking Around With A Donkey With Pots Clanging On The Sides.

I Read Something In The Paper That Really Confused Me The Other Day. It Said That 80 Percent Of The People In New York Are Minorities. Shouldn't You Not Call Them Minorities When They Get To Be 80 Percent Of The Population? That's A Very White Attitude, Don't You Think? I Mean, You Could Take A White Guy To Africa And He'd Be Like 'look At All The Minorities Around Here! I'm The Only Majority.'

Being Popular With An Audience Is A Very Rickety Ladder To Be On.

To Me, It's Very Exhilarating When Somebody Else Does A Great Thing, And It's Not Me.

I'm Not Motivated To Entertain People Through Twitter, So Just By Having Twitter And Not Saying Anything, I Make People Mad.

Expensive Quality Work Doesn't Cost More - It Pays.

The Only Pitch I Have To Movie People Is The Same As This One: Just Give Me $8 Million. I'm Not Telling You What It's About And I'm Not Telling You Who's In It.

I Have Twitter So I Can Tell People What I Want Them To Buy And They Give Me Money.

There Are People That Really Live By Doing The Right Thing, But I Don't Know What That Is, I'm Really Curious About That. I'm Really Curious About What People Think They're Doing When They're Doing Something Evil, Casually. I Think It's Really Interesting, That We Benefit From Suffering So Much, And We Excuse Ourselves From It.

Friends Should Always Tell You The Truth. But Please Don’t.

When I Am In A Hotel, And I Turn Off The Lights And The Tv, I Just Freak Out. I Turn The Tv Back On And Don't Get Any Sleep.

For Years, Blockbuster Video Has Edited Movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, When He's Masturbating While The Girls In The Car Are Doing The Thing. I Rented It From Blockbuster And Sped To That Scene, And It Was Gone. I Called Up Blockbuster, And I'm Like, "i Got An Erection, And The Scene's Not There."

Cars And Cameras Are The Two Things I Let Myself Be Materialistic About. I Don't Care About Other Stuff.

A Lot Of The Struggle I Had With Movies Is I Really Loved Moments And Tones And Feelings In A Scene, And I Loved Creating Those, But I Never Really Had Great Stories To String Them Together.

I Know What It's Like To Have A Bunch Of Material That's Working That You Don't Care About. You Want To Die.

My Kids Used To Love Math. Now It Makes Them Cry. Thanks Standardized Testing And Common Core!

I Wish I Could Know Everything Ever, Like That Would Be My Wish - That's What I Hope Heaven Is, That They Tell You Who Shot Jfk And All That Stuff.

Television For A Child Creates Such A High Bar Of Stimulus That Nothing Else Competes. A Beautiful Day Is Absolute Crap To A Kid Who Watches Tv.

The Earliest Stand-up Comedy I Was Aware Of Was Bill Cosby. I Watched Saturday Night Live As Soon As I Was Aware Of It, And Monty Python Used To Be On Pbs At Weird Hours, So I Used To Try To Watch That. And I Loved George Carlin On Snl, That Was The First Stand-up I Ever Really Remember Seeing On Tv. And Then Steve Martin. I Guess I Was In Fifth Or Sixth Grade When Steve Martin Showed Up, And He Was Instantly My Idol. And Richard Pryor Around The Same Time Too, I Sort Of Became Aware Of Him, Though I Don't Remember The First Time I Saw Him.

I Grew Up In A Generation That Had Exponential Technological Advances.

I've Learned From Experience That If You Work Harder At It, And Apply More Energy And Time To It, And More Consistency, You Get A Better Result. It Comes From The Work.

I Think You Have To Try And Fail, Because Failure Gets You Closer To What You're Good At.

Everybody Is Different. Some Comedy Is More Musical Like Steven Wright. His Is A Pillar Of Comedy To Me. He Invented A Whole Form And All His Jokes Are Poems. So It's Different. I Wanted To Do It Like George Carlin. Now I Do It Like Me.

Human Kindness Has No Reward. You Should Give To Others In Every Way You See. Expect Absolutely Nothing From Anyone. It Should Be Your Goal To Love Every Human You Encounter. All Human Suffering That You're Aware Of And Continues Without Your Effort To Stop It Becomes Your Crime.

I've Had Two Great Years, Probably Five Good Years. So I Had 20 Years Of Just Kind Of Uncertainty And Suffering And Ego Destruction And Poverty. All These Things. There's No Way I'm Ever Going To Catch Up To The Misery Years. It's Impossible... If I Don't Do Anything Dumb Or I Don't Get A Disease Or Something, And Then I've Got To Five To Eight Years I Think Where It'll Really Be Great And Then It Will Start To Degenerate Like Uranium, You Know?

Technically, I've Learned That Having Good Legs And Wind Is Good For Being On Stage. You Have To Be In Shape And Have Endurance.

To Me, There's A Huge Difference Between Criticism And Reviewing. I Really Love Reading Good Criticism Of Television And Film. To Me, A Critic Is Someone Who Analyzes A Show, Describes It, Talks About The People In It, Puts It In Historical Context Of Other Shows Like It, Compares It And Stuff, And Then Talks About The Intent Of The Show And Whether It Failed Or Didn't.

I've Started To Kind Of Hate People, And It's Not Because I Have Anything Against Them. It's Just, I Enjoy It. It's Recreation.

It's Just A Big Excuse To Say Awful Things.

The Only Road To Doing Good Shows, Is Doing Bad Shows.

You Know When You See A Mother Someplace Just Melting Down On Her Kid? She's Like, 'shut Up, I Hate You, You're Ugly!'... Any Parents There Are Thinking, 'what Did That Shitty Kid Do To That Poor Woman? That Poor Woman. I Wish I Could Help.'

The Thing Is, Comedy's Gone In A Weird Direction. People Are Really Into Ironic Comedy And Fakeness And Cleverness.

There's No Real Preparing At Home For Stand-up. You Just Go And You Just Do It.

When I Was A Kid There Was A Show Called 'holmes & Yo-yo' About A Robot Cop. I Loved That Show And I Think It Only Lasted Like Three Episodes.

I Have A Lot Of Beliefs, And I Live By None Of Them - That's Just The Way I Am They Make Me Feel Good About Who I Am.

...then I Got Divorced And Everything Changed, And I Became A Father In A Whole New Way And Found A Whole New Set Of Difficulties.

Life's Too Short To Be An Asshole, As An Employer Or As An Employee.

I Was In A Hotel Room In Dallas, And I Was Jerking Off So Much And So Sadly And Pathetically, That The Phone Rang, And I Thought It's Them, They're Complaining. ... "sir, Could You Please Stop?"

Everything That People Say Is Testable.

People Don't Talk To Me On Airplanes.

I Don't Have A Gun, But If I Did, I Would Shoot A Baby Deer In The Mouth And Feel Nothing.

I've Had Soccer Moms Come Up And Tell Me They Can Relate When I Say That I Want To Throw My Baby In The Trash.

I Am Really Tired Of Looking At My Hips. I'm Seriously Really Tired Of Standing Naked In The Mirror And Staring At My Hips For Hours And Hours While Muttering, "you Hips. You Hips Need To Get It Together."

Misery Is Wasted On The Miserable.

If I Found Myself Alone On Planet Earth, No Other Humans, I Would Have Sex With A Monkey In Like Two Minutes. Two Minutes. That's Really Not Long Enough To Be Sure You're Alone On The Earth, Even. That's Like... I Walk Outside, It's- There's Not Much Traffic. "oh, My God, It's Just Me! I'm Gonna Have Sex With A Monkey Right Now. Oh, No-there's A Person."

Every Year White People Add 100 Years To How Long Ago Slavery Was. I've Heard Educated White People Say, 'slavery Was 400 Years Ago.' No It Very Wasn't. It Was 140 Years Ago...that's Two 70-year-old Ladies Living And Dying Back To Back. That's How Recently You Could Buy A Guy.

Fathers Have Skills That They Never Use At Home. You Run A Landscaping Business And You Can't Dress And Feed A Four-year-old? Take It On!

I Know I'm Getting Old Because There Will Be Times When I'm Not Even Doing Anything And I'll Think, 'i Need To Go Wipe My Ass Right Now.'

Out Of The People That Ever Were, Almost All Of Them Are Dead. There Are Way More Dead People, And You're All Gonna Die And Then You're Gonna Be Dead For Way Longer Than You're Alive. Like That's Mostly What You're Ever Gonna Be. You're Just Dead People That Didn't Die Yet.

My Kids And I Figured Out That There’s A Third Kind Of Person, And I Don’t Know What You Call Them, But It’s Somebody Who Sees That The Glass Is Always Full Because It’s Half Full With Water And Half Full With Nothing, So That’s The Third Kind Of Person. I Don’t Know What It Is.

Most People Are Dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some Other Guys. But Mostly Those Two.

When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore. And A Lot Of Fathers Live In Kind Of An Avoidance. They Sit On The Toilet For Several Hours A Day... Oh, Honey, It Took Me 40 Minutes To Go To The Post Office... But Once You Become A Dad Without The Mom There, You Have To Take It All On, And You Sort Of Activate Male Skills That You Didn't Know You Could Apply To Fatherhood.

Plenty Of Crazy People In New York. There Are So Many Crazy People Here, I Think It's Like One Out Of Every One Person Is Completely Out Of Their Mind.

You Have To Be Able To Do A Bunch Of Things At Once, And Not Think About Things You're Not Doing While You're Doing Other Things. You Have To Be Disciplined About Not Trying To Do Everything, All At The Same Time. It's Hard And Fun.

Why Can't We Have Racism That's Ignorant But Nice? You Could Have Stereotypes That Are Positive About Race. You Could Say, "those Chinese People, They Can Fly!" "you Know About The Puerto Ricans? They're Made Of Candy!"

I Could Never Sit Down And Write Jokes.

I Used To Like People More, But Now I Have Children And That Changes Your Life In A Lot Of Ways. Like You Spend Time With People You Never Would Have Chosen To Spend Time With, Not In A Million Years. I Spend Whole Days With People, I'm Like, "i Never Would Have Hung Out With You. I Didn't Choose You. Our Children Chose Each Other Based On No Criteria By The Way. They're The Same Size. They Don't Care Who They Make Me Hang Out With."

I Just Don't Trust Any Of It. Every Time I Read Something About How There's Been Another Ridiculous Climb Of The Dow Jones, There's A Part Of Me That Goes, “this Can't Be Good.” None Of This Is Real Money. You Know What I Mean? It's Not Like There's Actually More Of Anything. It's Just Ideas. When People Are Getting Richer And Richer But They're Not Actually Producing Anything, It Can't End Well.

I Remember The Day I Saw My Hair Was Thinning. I Don't Remember Caring Much. I Don't Care. It's Just Hair. It Never Bothered Me Much. I Was Pretty Young, Too. And It Happened And Is Happening Very Slowly. I Have A Feeling Dead People Get Really Mad When We Complain About Losing Hair.

I Don't Think Women Are Better Than Men, I Think Men Are A Lot Worse Than Women.

Self-love Is A Good Thing But Self-awareness Is More Important. You Need To Once In A While Go ‘uh, I’m Kind Of An Asshole.’

It's Hard Having Kids Because It's Boring... It's Just Being With Them On The Floor While They Be Children. They Read Clifford The Big Red Dog To You At A Rate Of 50 Minutes A Page, And You Have To Sit There And Be Horribly Proud And Bored At The Same Time.

Everything's Amazing Right Now, And Nobody's Happy.

I’m Bored’ Is A Useless Thing To Say. I Mean, You Live In A Great, Big, Vast World That You’ve Seen None Percent Of. Even The Inside Of Your Own Mind Is Endless; It Goes On Forever, Inwardly, Do You Understand? The Fact That You’re Alive Is Amazing, So You Don’t Get To Say ‘i’m Bored.

I Finally Have The Body I Want. It’s Easy, Actually, You Just Have To Want A Really Shitty Body.

I Do Feel A Lot Of Times Like I'm Out Of My League With My Kids In Terms Of What My Responsibility Is.

I Killed My Facebook Page Years Ago Because Time Clicking Around Is Just Dead Time. Your Brain Isn't Resting And It Isn't Doing. I Think People Have To Get Their Heads Around This Thing. All This Unmitigated Input Is Hurting Folks.

I Look Around, Pretty Much 100% Of The People Driving Are Texting. And They're Killing, Everybody's Murdering Each Other With Their Cars. But People Are Willing To Risk Taking A Life And Ruining Their Own Because They Don't Want To Be Alone For A Second Because It's So Hard.

One Thing I Learned From Drinking Is That If You Ever Go Christmas Caroling, You Should Go With A Group Of People. And Also Go In Mid-december.

Sometimes I Just Want To Tell A Story Regardless Of Whether It Fits What The Show Is Saying. I’ve Been In A Lot Of Writing Rooms Where Somebody Says An Idea And Everyone’s Dying, Like Laughing So They’re Delirious. It’s Like A Black Hole In A Good Way, Everything Starts To Fall Into It, You Know What I Mean.

I Love Being Married. It's Great. But I Hate Arguing. I Hate Fighting. You Know What I Do Now? When We Get In An Argument, I Just Take Her Side Against Me. It's Just Easier; It Goes Quicker. She's Like, "what's Wrong With You?" And I'm Like, "i Know! Damn It! Argh!"

I Don't Have A Brother In Real Life.

Talking Is Always Positive. That's Why I Talk Too Much.

Some People Think It's Demeaning To Victims If You Ever Say Anything Out-loud About Sexual Abuse Of Children. I Don't Know If That's True.

Rob Mcelhenney Who Runs 'it's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.' That Show Absolutely Kills Me And I Am Stunned By The Consistency Of Greatness It Has Maintained Over What Is Now A Record Breaking Amount Of Seasons ... How Do You Do That For So Many Years? My 14-year-old Daughter And I Watch It Together And We Both Laugh Crazy Hard.

It's Kind Of Awkward To Eat Alone In A Restaurant Because Everybody's Looking At Me.

My Show Is Sort Of A Short-film Anthology, And I'm Able To Tell Little Stories That Don't Necessarily Carry A Whole Episode In Terms Of Narrative. I Like The Audience Not Being Sure What They're Getting. I Think It's More Fun To Watch Something When You're Discovering It As You Go Along.

You Could Drive A Rental Car Until You Don't Want It. Just Get Out Of It While It's Moving And Just Walk Away. No, I Don't Feel Like Being In That Car Any Longer. Just Call Hertz. Hi, Your Car Is Drifting Into The Intersection Of 28th And Broadway, If You're Interested. It's Now Your Problem.

I've Been Having A Lot Of Trouble Sleeping As We All Should. I Dunno. You Don't Live That Long. It Doesn't Matter.

When I Got Divorced, I Thought 'well, There Goes My Act.'

The Ability To Just Sit There. That's Being A Person.

You Have To Be Really Tenacious. You Have To Keep At It. There Are Many Roads To Get There. If You Can Get Yourself Into Harvard, That's A Good Way To Go, Because Every Harvard Graduating Class, The Agencies Come Trolling Around And They'll Look For You. So If You Go To Harvard, You'll Get Found There.

I'm Close To My Audience. I Think I Have More Tools In My Box Than Other Guys Who Might Try It. Also, I Know How To Do This Stuff. I Know How To Write And Shoot And Edit. I'm Technically Adept And That Helped With The Website. You Need A Big Skill Set.

I Learned That Money Can Be A Lot Of Things,it Can Be Something That Is Hoarded, Fought Over, Protected, Stolen And Withheld. Or It Can Be Like An Energy, Fueled By The Desire, Will, Creative Interest, Need To Laugh, Of Large Groups Of People. And It Can Be Shuffled And Pushed Around And Pooled Together To Fuel A Common Interest, Jokes About Garbage, Penises And Parenthood.

The Only Time You Should Look In Your Neighbor's Bowl Is To Make Sure That They Have Enough. You Don't Look In Your Neighbor's Bowl To See If You Have As Much As Them.

Everything Is Amazing And Nobody Is Happy

Pushing The Envelope' Sort Of Implies That You're Inside The Envelope With Everyone Else, And You're Trying To Find The Edges On The Outsides.

There's No Such Thing As A Cheap Laugh.

You Know The Only Thing Happier Than A Three-legged Dog? A Four-legged Dog.

Look At All The Minorities Around Here! I'm The Only Majority.

Here's How My Brain Works: It's Stupidity, Followed By Self-hatred, And Then Further Analysis.

What Happens After You Die? Lot's Of Things Happen After You Die - They Just Don't Involve You

God Is Like A Shitty Girlfriend.

I'm Not Raising The Children, I'm Raising The Grown Ups That They're Going To Be.

I Love Stand-up More Than Anything, And I'm So Happy To Have Found A Way To Use It In The Show.

Apple Embodies A Lot Of What Have Been Defined As Feminine Traits: An Emphasis On Intuitive Design, Intellect, A Strong Sense Of Creativity, And That Striving To Always Make The Greatest Version Of Something.

I Just Always Loved Comedy And I Really Wanted To Be Good At It. And It Was Heartbreaking, 'cause I Started And I Wasn't Good At It. I Was Only 17-years-old, So I Had A Lot To Learn About Life In General. But I Just Kept On Trying. I Was Young Enough And Stupid Enough And I Had No Other Choice. I Had Nothing Else I Was Good At.

If The Whole Country Had To Have The Same Conversation That Was Safe For Everybody, It Would Be A Pretty Awful Place To Live. There Wouldn't Be A Conversation.

I Do Love Standup. I Love Comedians. They're My Community. Also, Because I Know So Many Of Them, I Know The Value Of Them. I Know What They Can Do.

Stand-up Is Probably The Most Solo Performance In Art.

Credibility Lasts About Two Cycles Of Bad Material, And Then You'll Probably Never Get It Back. If You Let People Down, That's Really Hard To Come Back From - Harder Than Climbing From Nothing To Something, Even.

Most People Are Dead. Did You Know That? It's True, Out Of All The People That Ever Were, Almost All Of Them Are Dead.

You're A Tourist In Sexual Perversion. I'm A Prisoner There.

My Ex-wife, She Really Didn't Like The Material That I Did. And That's Something I Regret, That I Wasn't More Careful About Making Sure That She Was O.k. With It. I Just Sort Of Didn't Ask. So That's How That Goes.

I Get Mad Like Anybody Else Does, But Being Able To Laugh About Getting Mad Is Very Healthy, And My Kids Know That.

[about Being A Father] I Don't Really Remember What It Was Like Before. Whatever I Had Going On, It Was Bullshit. It Wasn't Important. It's Kind Of A Nice Thing About Being A Dad. My Identity Is Really About Them Now, And What I Can Do For Them, So It Sort Of Takes The Pressure Off Of Your Own Life. What Am I Going To Do, Who Am I? Who Cares, You've Got To Get Your Kids To School. So I Like It That Way.

My Last Name Is Szekely. Sounds Like Saykay. When I Was A Little Kid I Had An Instructor In Camp Who Called Me Shnizneckely. He Would Make Fun Of My Name And It Hurt My Feelings Because I Was A Little Pussy And I Cried. He Said, 'well, How Do You Say It?' I Said, Seekay. So He Wrote 'c.k' On My Jersey And Everything. He Made My Name 'c.k' And I Just Stuck With It.

You Know What, It's Not Your Life, It's Life. Life Is Bigger Than You, If You Can Imagine That. Life Isn't Something That You Possess, It's Something That You Take Part In And Witness.

I Love Being Divorced. Every Year Has Been Better Than The Last. By The Way, I'm Not Saying Don't Get Married. If You Meet Somebody, Fall In Love And Get Married. Then Get Divorced. Because That's The Best Part. Divorce Is Forever! It Really Actually Is. Marriage Is For How Long You Can Hack It. But Divorce Just Gets Stronger Like A Piece Of Oak. Nobody Ever Says 'oh, My Divorce Is Falling Apart, It's Over, I Can't Take It.'

Falling In Love

When You Have Bacon In Your Mouth, It Doesn't Matter Who's President.

I've Always Loved Boxing. It's Something I've Always Been Extremely Excited About.

Working In Tv And Navigating Success Is A Tricky Thing. It's Easier To Navigate The Hard Work Of Starting Out Because You Just Do Anything They Let You Do, But Once You Get Into An Orbit, After The Thrusters Have Pushed You Into The Orbit, Now You Have To Navigate That Orbit. There's No Choices When You're Starting Out. You're Just Like, "please, Let Me Do Anything." But Then It Turns Around And It's Like, "we'll Let You Do Anything".

When My Kids Were Younger, I Used To Avoid Them. I Used To Sit On The Toilet 'til My Legs Fell Asleep. You Want To Know Why Your Father Spends So Long In The Toilet? Because He's Not Sure He Wants To Be A Father.

To Me, Art Supplies Are Always Okay To Buy.

Comedians Work Great As Actors Because They're Good Under Pressure. With A Lot Of Actors, You Have To Make Them Feel Like Everything's Going Really Well To Get A Good Performance Out Of Them. But, If You Have A Comedian On The Set, You Can Tell Them, 'hey, You Really Are Screwing This Up,' And Then They Just Get Better.

Kids Are Like Buckets Of Disease That Live In Your House.

I Would Rather Be With My Kids Than Anybody Else.

I Didn't Make Any Kind Of Grades In High School. My Mother Was A Single Mom, Putting My Three Sisters Through College, And I Was Such A Bad Student That I Knew I Had No Right To Take Her Money. But I Loved Being In Classes And Learning. I Took In A Huge Amount Of What I Learned, But I Had A Feeling Of Always Being Behind And Being In Trouble.

I Did A Show In New Jersey In The Auditorium Of A Technical High School ... Technical High School, That's Where Dreams Are Narrowed Down. We Tell Our Children, "you Can Do Anything You Want." Their Whole Lives. "you Can Do Anything!" But This Place, We Take Kids - They're 15, They're Young - And We Tell Them, "you Can Do Eight Things. We Got It Down To Eight For You."

You Have To Do A Show As Honestly As You Can. But You Also Can't Afford Skepticism, Because It's Preparing For Failure, Which Is Useless.

When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore.

When I Take My Kids Out For Dinner Or Lunch, People Smile At Us.

If You Had A Jetpack You'd Be Like I Have The Shittiest Jetpack. Who's Your Service Provider On Your Jetpack? Did They Make The New One? I Hate This Thing.

I Don't Have Sex Drive... I Have Sex 'just Sit In The Car And Hope Someone Gets In'.

There's People That Say “it's Not Fair You Have All That Stuff.” I Wasn't Born With It. It Was A Horrible Process To Get To This. It Took Me My Whole Life. If You're New At This- And By “new At It.” I Mean 15 Years In, Or Even 20- You're Just Starting To Grow Traction. Young Musicians Believe They Should Be Able To Throw A Band Together And Be Famous, And Anything That's In Their Way Is Unfair And Evil. What Are You, In Your 20s, You Picked Up A Guitar? Give It A Minute.

For My Scale, How I Grew Up And Live My Life, I'm Making Plenty Of Money.

A Household Name Is Like Ketchup. Everybody Wants Ketchup. Ketchup Doesn't Hurt Anybody.

If You Do Something And People Think You're Stupid, Just Go For Crazy. You Get More Respect That Way Because Nobody Likes Stupid People.

If You're A Cartoon Character Or Most Tv Characters, Sure, You'll Fight, Because The Punches Are Juicy-sounding And They Don't Leave Marks. But In Real Life, If Somebody Punches You In The Eye, It Doesn't Make Any Noise And Your Eye Is Swollen For, Like, Six Months. It's A Nightmare To Get Punched In The Eye.

When A Person Tells You That You Hurt Them, You Don't Get To Decide That You Didn't.

If You're A Woman And A Guy's Ever Said Anything Romantic To You, He Just Left Off The Second Part That Would Have Made You Sick If You Could Have Heard It.

I Don't Have A Room Full Of Writers Pitching Ideas. It's Just Me Out Of My Head.

Whenever I've Encountered A Christian Saying, 'why Don't You Stop Talking Like That So I Can Hear You?' I Think, 'well You're The One Putting The Earmuffs On, But I Wish You Could Hear Me Because I Like You.'

I've Met A Lot Of People Who've Lost Their Jobs And They Still Have A Sense Of Humor.

I Wish I Could [keep A Journal]. I Have A Lot Of Journals With One Page Half Written In. I Sometimes Will Write Myself A Quick Email On My Blackberry When I Think Of Something.

Last Week I Got A Flu That I Caught, 'cause My Daughter Coughed ... Into My Mouth.

You Can Figure Out How Bad A Person You Are By How Soon After September 11th You Masturbated, Like How Long You Waited... And For Me It Was Between The Two Buildings Going Down... I Had To Do It, Otherwise They'd Win.

Some Entertainers Don't Pay Attention To What's Going On Around Them.

If I Do Something For My Kids, I Get A Medal, Because Most Fathers Don't.

I Like Being Full, Every Day, With Stuff That I Have To Do.

I Ate Too Much And Masturbated Too Recently, You Know? It's Bad To Like Jerk Off And Run Out The Door, 'cause You Run Into Somebody. "oh, She Knows..." You Got To Take Some Time Alone To Process The Shame.

Sorry - Americans Only Buy Things That Come From Suffering. They Just Enjoy It More When They Know Someone's Getting Hurt.

I Don't Like Waking Up. I Feel Like Staying In Bed Usually, But I Can't Because I've Got Two Kids Standing Next To My Bed, Just Eager To Live Another Day.

Sometimes I Try To Take A Nap Before Shows. That Clears My Head.

I Never Viewed Money As Being 'my Money' I Always Saw It As 'the Money.' It's A Resource. If It Pools Up Around Me Then It Needs To Be Flushed Back Out Into The System.

There's Nowhere I Won't Go. As Long As It's Horribly, Horribly True And/or Wrong.

In 27 Years Doing This, I've Seen A Handful Of Truly Great, Masterful Standup Sets. One Was Tig Notaro Last Night At Largo.

If You Have Something To Say, Here's What You Do: You Write It Down On A Piece Of Paper, You Go Out In The Lobby, And Then You Go Home And You Kill Yourself.

Bill Has Three Goldfish. He Buys Two More. How Many Dogs Live In London?

People Are Always Fighting For Attention With Things Now Because There's So Much Content. Actually, If You Don't Tell People Stuff - You Just Keep Your Mouth Shut - You Don't Have To Whisper It, You Just Don't Yell. Take The Bullhorn Off Your Mouth And It's A Secret.

The Last Jobs I Had Were Fixing Cars And Covering Football Games For A Local Access Tv Station. As In Driving The Mobile Van To The Field, Setting Up 3 Cameras, Teaching Depressed Grownups And Interns How To Use Them And Directing The Game From The Van And Then Wanting To Kill Myself.

There's Nothing That Beats Proving You're Funny By Making A Funny Thing, And Right Now There Are Huge Outlets For That, With You Tube And All The Other Stuff Online.

Someday, One Of Your Friends Is Gonna Get Divorced, It's Gonna Happen, And They're Gonna Tell You. Don't Go, 'ohhhh I'm Sorry.' That's A Stupid Thing To Say. First Of All You're Making 'em Feel Bad For Being Really Happy, Which Isn't Fair. And Second Of All: Divorce Is Always Good News. I Know That Sounds Weird, But It's True, Because No Good Marriage Has Ever Ended In Divorce. It's Really That Simple.

Young People Don't Even Consider That It's A Good Idea To Be Out On The Fringe, Which Is Where Good Ideas Come From.

Breaking Records Is Not Something You Expect To Be Doing. That's Like A Sports Thing, It's Not Usually A Comedy And Writing Thing.

You Would Never Do Stand-up Without An Audience. I Mean, No One Would Even Consider It. It's Like They're The Instrument You're Playing.

You Know What Our Number One Threat Is? Heart Disease.

America's A Family. We All Yell At Each Other. It All Works Out.

I've Had, What, Two Years? Probably Five Good Years. Before That I Had Twenty Years Of Uncertainty And Suffering And Ego Destruction And Poverty. All Those Things. That'll Always Outweigh The Good Times.

A Very Painful Part Of Being A Parent Is Having Really Negative Feelings About Your Children When You Love Them So Much.

I Was Driving In Manhattan. There's Traffic, Nobody's Moving... The Guy Behind Me Is Honking Just At Me. He Kept Yelling At Me. I Decided That I'm Gonna Argue With This Guy, But I'm Gonna Argue About Something Else. I'm Not Having His Argument; I'm Having Mine. So, He's Like, 'go!' And I Go, 'well Give Me Back My Jacket!' And He Stopped. I Was Like, 'yeah, You Got My Jacket! Give It Back! I Said You Could Borrow It, Not Have It! You're Stretching It Out, You Fat Pig! Give It Back, Now!' He Got Back In His Car, And He Locked His Doors.

Gay Men Have To Go Through Something To Own Their - Who They Are. They Get Beat Up. They Get Ostracized. Whatever They Go Through, If They Survive It, They Come Out Very Confident People.

Give A Man A Fish And You Feed Him For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish And You Feed Him For A Lifetime. Leave The Dude Alone And He'll Figure It Out.

I Don't Stop Eating When I'm Full. The Meal Isn't Over When I'm Full. It's Over When I Hate Myself.

Comedy Isn't Polite And It Isn't Correct And It Isn't Accurate, Even. It's Just A Mess. So That's The Way That I Approach It.

Perception Is Created And Twisted So Quickly.

I Watch A Lot Of Sports. But When I'm Not Working, I'm With My Daughters Every Chance I Get.

I'd Like To Name My Kid A Whole Phrase. You Know, Something Like Ladies And Gentlemen. That'll Be A Cool Name For A Kid. This Is My Son, Ladies And Gentlemen! Then, When He Gets Out Of Hand, I Get To Go, Ladies And Gentlemen, Please!

The Problem Is, The More Famous You Get, The More People See You Who Didn't Choose To.

I Don't Like Comedy. I Like Funny Things. I Don't Like Comedy. Like, Comedy Movies Are Just, 'oh Jesus.'

When I See Two Guys Kissing, I'm Like, How Come I Can't Kiss One Of Those Guys? They Look Like They're Having A Good Time.

If You're Older, You're Smarter. I Just Believe That. If You're In An Argument With Someone Older Than You, You Should Listen To 'em ... Even If They're Wrong, Their Wrongness Is Rooted In More Information Than You Have.

People Say, 'my Phone Sucks.' No, It Doesn’t! The Shittiest Cellphone In The World Is A Miracle. Your Life Sucks. Around The Phone.

Black People Have Slavery. And White People Have Our Own Thing-stuff We Went Though That Hurt Us That We Have To Cope With. Like When They Took Our Slaves Away. That Was Really Hard For Us. So It's Pretty Even.

I Love Comedians. They're My Community.

Bill Gates Has 90 Billion Dollars ... If I Had 90 Billion Dollars, I Wouldn't Have It For Long Because I Would Just Dream Of All The Crazy Stuff I Could Do With It. This Guy, 90 Billion Dollars. He Could Buy Every Baseball Team And Make Them All Wear Dresses And Still Have 88 Billion Dollars.

All These Words We Use, Anybody Can Be A Genius Now. It Used To Be You Had To Have A Thought No One Ever Had Before Or You Had To Invent A Number. Now, It’s Like, “hey, I’ve Got A Cup In Case We Need Another Cup.” “dude, You’re A Genius!”

I Grew Up Watching All These Crazy Movies, European Movies And Stuff, And I Guess That I Always Laughed At Things That Were A Little More Offbeat.

One Time, I Threw A Candy Wrapper On The Street. I Was With A Friend Who Said To Me, You Just Littered On The Street! Don't You Care About The Environment? And I Thought About It, And I Said, You Know What? This Isn't The Environment. This Is New York City. New York City Is Not The Environment. New York City Is A Giant Piece Of Litter. Next To Mexico City, It's The Shittiest Piece Of Litter In The World. Just A Pussy, Runny, Smokin', Stinkin' Piece Of Litter.

Some Things I Think Are Very Conservative, Or Very Liberal. I Think When Someone Falls Into One Category For Everything, I'm Very Suspicious. It Doesn't Make Sense To Me That You'd Have The Same Solution To Every Issue.

I'm Enjoying The Work While I Get It Right Now.

You Ever Go To Shop For Tuna, And It Says "dolphin Safe", And You Look At It And Kind Of Go, "yeah, But"-like Somehow You Think It's Not Going To Be As Good? Like, "i Want To Do The Right Thing-but It's Probably Kind Of Bland Without The Dolphin."

There's Two Kinds Of Press That You Get When You Put Out A Tv Show: The Reviews, And The People That Just Decide What The Reviews Say.

Dating Is Horrible, It's Awful. I Don't Get It. It's Like You're Standing There: 'hi. Do You Want To Have Sex And Later Wish You Hadn't?' It's Horrible. And It's Awkward At 42 Because I Don't Have The Body Or The Drive. I Just Sit In The Car And Hope Somebody Gets In.

I Don't Think It Makes Any Sense To Try To Get Anyone To Not Talk.

I Just Love Learning. I Think Learning Is How You Live. The Verb Of My Life Is Learning.

My 13-year-old Daughter Leaves The House At 7:15 Every Morning And Takes A Smelly City Bus To School Way Uptown. It's Like 8 Degrees Out, And It's Dark And She's Got This Morning Face And I Send Her Out There To Take A Bus. Meanwhile, My Driver Is Sitting In A Toasty Mercedes That's Going To Take Me To Work Once Both Kids Are Gone. I Could Send Her In The Mercedes And Then Have It Come Back To Get Me, But I Can't Have My Kid Doing That. I Can't Do That To Her. Me? I Earned That F—ing Mercedes. You Better F—ing Believe It.

I Can Feel How An Audience Is Reacting When I'm On A Stage, But When You Are On Stage, Your Perception Is Distorted. That's Something You Just Have To Know. It's Like Pilots That Fly At High Gs And They Lose, Sometimes, Consciousness And Hand/eye Coordination And They Just Have To Know That That's Going To Happen. They Have To Be Trained To Not Try To Do Too Much While They Are Doing That. So When You Are On Stage, You Have To Be Aware That You Are Wrong About How It Feels A Lot Of Times.

You’ll Be Fine. You’re 25. Feeling [unsure] And Lost Is Part Of Your Path. Don’t Avoid It. See What Those Feelings Are Showing You And Use It. Take A Breath. You’ll Be Okay. Even If You Don’t Feel Okay All The Time.

Trending Author

Chris Van Allsburg

Grover Cleveland

Alessandra Ambrosio

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Category