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Every Year White People Add 100 Years To How Long Ago Slavery Was. I've Heard Educated White People Say, 'slavery Was 400 Years Ago.' No It Very Wasn't. It Was 140 Years Ago...that's Two 70-year-old Ladies Living And Dying Back To Back. That's How Recently You Could Buy A Guy.

-Louis C. K.

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Every Year White People

Louis C. K.

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Every Year White People Add 100 Years To How Long Ago Slavery Was. I've Heard Educated White People Say, 'slavery Was 400 Years Ago.' No It Very Wasn't. It Was 140 Years Ago...that's Two 70-year-old Ladies Living And Dying Back To Back. That's How Recently You Could Buy A Guy.

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It's A Positive Thing To Talk About Terrible Things And Make People Laugh About Them.

I Could Never Sit Down And Write Jokes.

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I Read Something In The Paper That Really Confused Me The Other Day. It Said That 80 Percent Of The People In New York Are Minorities. Shouldn't You Not Call Them Minorities When They Get To Be 80 Percent Of The Population? That's A Very White Attitude, Don't You Think? I Mean, You Could Take A White Guy To Africa And He'd Be Like 'look At All The Minorities Around Here! I'm The Only Majority.'

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People Get Successful And They Start Saying, 'well Of Course I Am! I Was Chosen! I'm Special!' No, You're Not.

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I've Had, What, Two Years? Probably Five Good Years. Before That I Had Twenty Years Of Uncertainty And Suffering And Ego Destruction And Poverty. All Those Things. That'll Always Outweigh The Good Times.

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I Grew Up Watching All These Crazy Movies, European Movies And Stuff, And I Guess That I Always Laughed At Things That Were A Little More Offbeat.

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All Talking Is Good, Negative And Positive. Stabbing Is Bad; Talking Is Good.

Everything Is Amazing And Nobody Is Happy

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Stand-up Is Probably The Most Solo Performance In Art.

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Give A Man A Fish And You Feed Him For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish And You Feed Him For A Lifetime. Leave The Dude Alone And He'll Figure It Out.

Everything's Amazing Right Now, And Nobody's Happy.

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Natural Enemies

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Just Be Yourself

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Expensive Quality Work Doesn't Cost More - It Pays.

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You Can't Direct Without A Good Crew.

Either I'll Never Get Rich From The Show But Remain Intensely Proud Of The Work And Stand Behind Every Second Of It, Or It Catches On And I'll Make My Money Down The Road.

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I've Had Soccer Moms Come Up And Tell Me They Can Relate When I Say That I Want To Throw My Baby In The Trash.

What Happens After You Die? Lot's Of Things Happen After You Die - They Just Don't Involve You

Rob Mcelhenney Who Runs 'it's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.' That Show Absolutely Kills Me And I Am Stunned By The Consistency Of Greatness It Has Maintained Over What Is Now A Record Breaking Amount Of Seasons ... How Do You Do That For So Many Years? My 14-year-old Daughter And I Watch It Together And We Both Laugh Crazy Hard.

It's Just A Big Excuse To Say Awful Things.

I'm Enjoying The Work While I Get It Right Now.

When You Write From Your Gut And Let The Stuff Stay Flawed And Don't Let Anybody Tell You To Make It Better, It Can End Up Looking Like Nothing Else.

God Is Like A Shitty Girlfriend.

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You're A Tourist In Sexual Perversion. I'm A Prisoner There.

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Performing Comedy, You Develop A Rhythm Of Ideas And Laughs. I Live For It.

I'm Bored' Is A Useless Thing To Say. You Live In A Great, Big, Vast World That You've Seen None Percent Of.

I Do Feel A Lot Of Times Like I'm Out Of My League With My Kids In Terms Of What My Responsibility Is.

Look At All The Minorities Around Here! I'm The Only Majority.

For My Scale, How I Grew Up And Live My Life, I'm Making Plenty Of Money.

Life's Too Short To Be An Asshole, As An Employer Or As An Employee.

You Can Do Eight Things. We Got It Down To Eight For You.

Sometimes I Try To Take A Nap Before Shows. That Clears My Head.

There's Nowhere I Won't Go. As Long As It's Horribly, Horribly True And/or Wrong.

Sadness Is Poetic. You're Lucky To Live Sad Moments. When You Let Yourself Be Sad, Your Body Has Antibodies. It Has Happiness That Comes Rushing In To Meet The Sadness.

I Don't Have A Room Full Of Writers Pitching Ideas. It's Just Me Out Of My Head.

There's A Woman I See Who's Not My Therapist, But She's Like An Old Friend Who's A Therapist In Profession. She Lets Me Talk To Her Like A Therapist Once In A While, And She Does A Great Thing. Whenever I Have A Big Dilemma, Like This Is A Big Problem In My Life, She Always Says, 'wow, You're Going To Have To Figure That Out.'

I Get Mad Like Anybody Else Does, But Being Able To Laugh About Getting Mad Is Very Healthy, And My Kids Know That.

I Was Driving In Manhattan. There's Traffic, Nobody's Moving... The Guy Behind Me Is Honking Just At Me. He Kept Yelling At Me. I Decided That I'm Gonna Argue With This Guy, But I'm Gonna Argue About Something Else. I'm Not Having His Argument; I'm Having Mine. So, He's Like, 'go!' And I Go, 'well Give Me Back My Jacket!' And He Stopped. I Was Like, 'yeah, You Got My Jacket! Give It Back! I Said You Could Borrow It, Not Have It! You're Stretching It Out, You Fat Pig! Give It Back, Now!' He Got Back In His Car, And He Locked His Doors.

I Did A Show In New Jersey In The Auditorium Of A Technical High School ... Technical High School, That's Where Dreams Are Narrowed Down. We Tell Our Children, "you Can Do Anything You Want." Their Whole Lives. "you Can Do Anything!" But This Place, We Take Kids - They're 15, They're Young - And We Tell Them, "you Can Do Eight Things. We Got It Down To Eight For You."

Self-love Is A Good Thing But Self-awareness Is More Important. You Need To Once In A While Go ‘uh, I’m Kind Of An Asshole.’

If You Can Survive Disappointment, Nothing Can Beat You

When My Kids Were Younger, I Used To Avoid Them. I Used To Sit On The Toilet 'til My Legs Fell Asleep. You Want To Know Why Your Father Spends So Long In The Toilet? Because He's Not Sure He Wants To Be A Father.

The Thing Is, Comedy's Gone In A Weird Direction. People Are Really Into Ironic Comedy And Fakeness And Cleverness.

I Finally Have The Body I Want. It’s Easy, Actually, You Just Have To Want A Really Shitty Body.

Well, I Think “likability” Is An Overused Word. I Don’t Watch People 'cause I Like Them; I Watch Them Because They’re Compelling. Sympathetic Is A Little Different... Likable Just Thins You Out. Working To Make A Character Likable Is What Kills Most Tv Shows.

America's A Family. We All Yell At Each Other. It All Works Out.

To Me The Goal Of Comedy Is To Just Laugh, Which Is A Really High Hearted Thing, Visceral Connection And Reaction.

I Wish I Could [keep A Journal]. I Have A Lot Of Journals With One Page Half Written In. I Sometimes Will Write Myself A Quick Email On My Blackberry When I Think Of Something.

I Would Rather Be With My Kids Than Anybody Else.

If You Have Something To Say, Here's What You Do: You Write It Down On A Piece Of Paper, You Go Out In The Lobby, And Then You Go Home And You Kill Yourself.

You Know The Only Thing Happier Than A Three-legged Dog? A Four-legged Dog.

I Used To Like People More, But Now I Have Children And That Changes Your Life In A Lot Of Ways. Like You Spend Time With People You Never Would Have Chosen To Spend Time With, Not In A Million Years. I Spend Whole Days With People, I'm Like, "i Never Would Have Hung Out With You. I Didn't Choose You. Our Children Chose Each Other Based On No Criteria By The Way. They're The Same Size. They Don't Care Who They Make Me Hang Out With."

When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore. And A Lot Of Fathers Live In Kind Of An Avoidance. They Sit On The Toilet For Several Hours A Day... Oh, Honey, It Took Me 40 Minutes To Go To The Post Office... But Once You Become A Dad Without The Mom There, You Have To Take It All On, And You Sort Of Activate Male Skills That You Didn't Know You Could Apply To Fatherhood.

There Are People That Really Live By Doing The Right Thing, But I Don't Know What That Is, I'm Really Curious About That. I'm Really Curious About What People Think They're Doing When They're Doing Something Evil, Casually. I Think It's Really Interesting, That We Benefit From Suffering So Much, And We Excuse Ourselves From It.

Out Of The People That Ever Were, Almost All Of Them Are Dead. There Are Way More Dead People, And You're All Gonna Die And Then You're Gonna Be Dead For Way Longer Than You're Alive. Like That's Mostly What You're Ever Gonna Be. You're Just Dead People That Didn't Die Yet.

My Kids Used To Love Math. Now It Makes Them Cry. Thanks Standardized Testing And Common Core!

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