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When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore. And A Lot Of Fathers Live In Kind Of An Avoidance. They Sit On The Toilet For Several Hours A Day... Oh, Honey, It Took Me 40 Minutes To Go To The Post Office... But Once You Become A Dad Without The Mom There, You Have To Take It All On, And You Sort Of Activate Male Skills That You Didn't Know You Could Apply To Fatherhood.

-Louis C. K.

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When You're A Father

Louis C. K.

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When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore. And A Lot Of Fathers Live In Kind Of An Avoidance. They Sit On The Toilet For Several Hours A Day... Oh, Honey, It Took Me 40 Minutes To Go To The Post Office... But Once You Become A Dad Without The Mom There, You Have To Take It All On, And You Sort Of Activate Male Skills That You Didn't Know You Could Apply To Fatherhood.

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Everybody Is Different. Some Comedy Is More Musical Like Steven Wright. His Is A Pillar Of Comedy To Me. He Invented A Whole Form And All His Jokes Are Poems. So It's Different. I Wanted To Do It Like George Carlin. Now I Do It Like Me.

I Thought About Going To Nyu Film School - That Was This Ideal To Me. But I Didn't Make Any Kind Of Grades In High School.

There's Nothing That Beats Proving You're Funny By Making A Funny Thing, And Right Now There Are Huge Outlets For That, With You Tube And All The Other Stuff Online.

Don't Text Or Twitter During The Show. Just Live Your Life. Don't Keep Telling People What You're Doing. Just, Because Also - Also - It Lights Up Your Big Dumb Face.

Breaking Records Is Not Something You Expect To Be Doing. That's Like A Sports Thing, It's Not Usually A Comedy And Writing Thing.

You Know, The People Who Do Indie Film And Decide Who Gets Those Little Budgets? They're Mean, Man. They're Cold And Very Cool-oriented.

I Was Driving In Manhattan. There's Traffic, Nobody's Moving... The Guy Behind Me Is Honking Just At Me. He Kept Yelling At Me. I Decided That I'm Gonna Argue With This Guy, But I'm Gonna Argue About Something Else. I'm Not Having His Argument; I'm Having Mine. So, He's Like, 'go!' And I Go, 'well Give Me Back My Jacket!' And He Stopped. I Was Like, 'yeah, You Got My Jacket! Give It Back! I Said You Could Borrow It, Not Have It! You're Stretching It Out, You Fat Pig! Give It Back, Now!' He Got Back In His Car, And He Locked His Doors.

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Spend Time With Your Kids And Have Your Own Ideas About What They Need. It Won't Take Away Your Manhood; It Will Give It To You.

When Your Kid Is Being Selfish Or Greedy And You Want To Help Them Not Be That Way, You Have To Find A Way To Articulate It And Inspire Them.

Comedy Isn't Polite And It Isn't Correct And It Isn't Accurate, Even. It's Just A Mess. So That's The Way That I Approach It.

I'm A Good Citizen. I'm A Good Father. I Recycle And I Masturbate.

You Ever Go To Shop For Tuna, And It Says "dolphin Safe", And You Look At It And Kind Of Go, "yeah, But"-like Somehow You Think It's Not Going To Be As Good? Like, "i Want To Do The Right Thing-but It's Probably Kind Of Bland Without The Dolphin."

I Don't Think Women Are Better Than Men, I Think Men Are A Lot Worse Than Women.

...then I Got Divorced And Everything Changed, And I Became A Father In A Whole New Way And Found A Whole New Set Of Difficulties.

I'm Bored' Is A Useless Thing To Say. You Live In A Great, Big, Vast World That You've Seen None Percent Of.

I Just Always Loved Comedy And I Really Wanted To Be Good At It. And It Was Heartbreaking, 'cause I Started And I Wasn't Good At It. I Was Only 17-years-old, So I Had A Lot To Learn About Life In General. But I Just Kept On Trying. I Was Young Enough And Stupid Enough And I Had No Other Choice. I Had Nothing Else I Was Good At.

I Know What It's Like To Have A Bunch Of Material That's Working That You Don't Care About. You Want To Die.

You're A Tourist In Sexual Perversion. I'm A Prisoner There.

Bill Has Three Goldfish. He Buys Two More. How Many Dogs Live In London?

Everything That People Say Is Testable.

I Would Rather Be With My Kids Than Anybody Else.

I Don't Have A Room Full Of Writers Pitching Ideas. It's Just Me Out Of My Head.

I Just Love Learning. I Think Learning Is How You Live. The Verb Of My Life Is Learning.

I Learned That Money Can Be A Lot Of Things,it Can Be Something That Is Hoarded, Fought Over, Protected, Stolen And Withheld. Or It Can Be Like An Energy, Fueled By The Desire, Will, Creative Interest, Need To Laugh, Of Large Groups Of People. And It Can Be Shuffled And Pushed Around And Pooled Together To Fuel A Common Interest, Jokes About Garbage, Penises And Parenthood.

Kids Are Like Buckets Of Disease That Live In Your House.

If I Do Something For My Kids, I Get A Medal, Because Most Fathers Don't.

Life Is Full Of Horrible Mistakes.

I Don't Have A Brother In Real Life.

I Don't Feel Those Limits When I'm On Stage. For Some Reason, Audiences Let Me Get Away With Things. Remember, It's All Comedy. Words. Thoughts. All Thoughts Are Safe And Worth Exploring.

The Ability To Just Sit There. That's Being A Person.

It's Hard To Know Where Your Thoughts Come From, Especially When You Have A Thirst For Material Because You Need It Professionally.

I Think You Have To Try And Fail, Because Failure Gets You Closer To What You're Good At.

To Me, It's Very Exhilarating When Somebody Else Does A Great Thing, And It's Not Me.

Perception Is Created And Twisted So Quickly.

Some Things I Think Are Very Conservative, Or Very Liberal. I Think When Someone Falls Into One Category For Everything, I'm Very Suspicious. It Doesn't Make Sense To Me That You'd Have The Same Solution To Every Issue.

There's People That Say “it's Not Fair You Have All That Stuff.” I Wasn't Born With It. It Was A Horrible Process To Get To This. It Took Me My Whole Life. If You're New At This- And By “new At It.” I Mean 15 Years In, Or Even 20- You're Just Starting To Grow Traction. Young Musicians Believe They Should Be Able To Throw A Band Together And Be Famous, And Anything That's In Their Way Is Unfair And Evil. What Are You, In Your 20s, You Picked Up A Guitar? Give It A Minute.

I’m Bored’ Is A Useless Thing To Say. I Mean, You Live In A Great, Big, Vast World That You’ve Seen None Percent Of. Even The Inside Of Your Own Mind Is Endless; It Goes On Forever, Inwardly, Do You Understand? The Fact That You’re Alive Is Amazing, So You Don’t Get To Say ‘i’m Bored.

Friends Should Always Tell You The Truth. But Please Don’t.

Either I'll Never Get Rich From The Show But Remain Intensely Proud Of The Work And Stand Behind Every Second Of It, Or It Catches On And I'll Make My Money Down The Road.

I Love Being Married. It's Great. But I Hate Arguing. I Hate Fighting. You Know What I Do Now? When We Get In An Argument, I Just Take Her Side Against Me. It's Just Easier; It Goes Quicker. She's Like, "what's Wrong With You?" And I'm Like, "i Know! Damn It! Argh!"

One Thing I Learned From Drinking Is That If You Ever Go Christmas Caroling, You Should Go With A Group Of People. And Also Go In Mid-december.

Very Few American Parents Give A Crap About How They Raise Their Kids. They Put Minimal Effort Into It. Who Told You It's A Good Idea To Buy A Developing Mind A Video Game?

Misery Is Wasted On The Miserable.

Plenty Of Crazy People In New York. There Are So Many Crazy People Here, I Think It's Like One Out Of Every One Person Is Completely Out Of Their Mind.

Young People Don't Even Consider That It's A Good Idea To Be Out On The Fringe, Which Is Where Good Ideas Come From.

When I Read Things Like The Foundations Of Capitalism Are Shattering, I'm Like, Maybe We Need That. Maybe We Need Some Time Where We're Walking Around With A Donkey With Pots Clanging On The Sides.

I've Started To Kind Of Hate People, And It's Not Because I Have Anything Against Them. It's Just, I Enjoy It. It's Recreation.

When My Kids Were Younger, I Used To Avoid Them. I Used To Sit On The Toilet 'til My Legs Fell Asleep. You Want To Know Why Your Father Spends So Long In The Toilet? Because He's Not Sure He Wants To Be A Father.

I Love Being Divorced. Every Year Has Been Better Than The Last. By The Way, I'm Not Saying Don't Get Married. If You Meet Somebody, Fall In Love And Get Married. Then Get Divorced. Because That's The Best Part. Divorce Is Forever! It Really Actually Is. Marriage Is For How Long You Can Hack It. But Divorce Just Gets Stronger Like A Piece Of Oak. Nobody Ever Says 'oh, My Divorce Is Falling Apart, It's Over, I Can't Take It.'

Falling In Love

I Don't Stop Eating When I'm Full. The Meal Isn't Over When I'm Full. It's Over When I Hate Myself.

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There's Been A Lot Of Simple Vilification Of Right-wing People. It's Really Easy To Say, 'well, You're Christian, You're Anti-this And That, And I Hate You.' But To Me, It's More Interesting To Say, 'what Is This Person Like And How Do They Really Think?'

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Stand-up Is Probably The Most Solo Performance In Art.

I Read Something In The Paper That Really Confused Me The Other Day. It Said That 80 Percent Of The People In New York Are Minorities. Shouldn't You Not Call Them Minorities When They Get To Be 80 Percent Of The Population? That's A Very White Attitude, Don't You Think? I Mean, You Could Take A White Guy To Africa And He'd Be Like 'look At All The Minorities Around Here! I'm The Only Majority.'

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The Only Pitch I Have To Movie People Is The Same As This One: Just Give Me $8 Million. I'm Not Telling You What It's About And I'm Not Telling You Who's In It.

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I've Always Got The Road. Stand-up Makes You So Autonomous And Self-sufficient That It Really Helps With That Part Of Show Business.

My Kids And I Figured Out That There’s A Third Kind Of Person, And I Don’t Know What You Call Them, But It’s Somebody Who Sees That The Glass Is Always Full Because It’s Half Full With Water And Half Full With Nothing, So That’s The Third Kind Of Person. I Don’t Know What It Is.

[about Being A Father] I Don't Really Remember What It Was Like Before. Whatever I Had Going On, It Was Bullshit. It Wasn't Important. It's Kind Of A Nice Thing About Being A Dad. My Identity Is Really About Them Now, And What I Can Do For Them, So It Sort Of Takes The Pressure Off Of Your Own Life. What Am I Going To Do, Who Am I? Who Cares, You've Got To Get Your Kids To School. So I Like It That Way.

I Spend Enough Time Onscreen Looking Hangdog And Depressed.

A Lot Of Tv Is Put Together By Teams, By Writing Staffs And Several Different Directors. It's A Great, Very Smart Way To Make Television. It's Worked For However Long Tv's Been Around.

The Thing Is, Comedy's Gone In A Weird Direction. People Are Really Into Ironic Comedy And Fakeness And Cleverness.

You Know The Only Thing Happier Than A Three-legged Dog? A Four-legged Dog.

You Know What, It's Not Your Life, It's Life. Life Is Bigger Than You, If You Can Imagine That. Life Isn't Something That You Possess, It's Something That You Take Part In And Witness.

I Like Being Full, Every Day, With Stuff That I Have To Do.

Stereotypically Speaking Feminists Can't Take A Joke. ::audience Boo:: See?

Natural Enemies

It's Hard Having Kids Because It's Boring... It's Just Being With Them On The Floor While They Be Children. They Read Clifford The Big Red Dog To You At A Rate Of 50 Minutes A Page, And You Have To Sit There And Be Horribly Proud And Bored At The Same Time.

We Have White People Problems In America. You Know What That Is? That's When Your Life Is Amazing, So You Just Make Stuff Up To Get Worried About.

I Don't Have Sex Drive... I Have Sex 'just Sit In The Car And Hope Someone Gets In'.

My Kids Are Really Easy. I Often Worry That They're Too Easy To Deal With. They're Really Nice People.

Here's How My Brain Works: It's Stupidity, Followed By Self-hatred, And Then Further Analysis.

My 13-year-old Daughter Leaves The House At 7:15 Every Morning And Takes A Smelly City Bus To School Way Uptown. It's Like 8 Degrees Out, And It's Dark And She's Got This Morning Face And I Send Her Out There To Take A Bus. Meanwhile, My Driver Is Sitting In A Toasty Mercedes That's Going To Take Me To Work Once Both Kids Are Gone. I Could Send Her In The Mercedes And Then Have It Come Back To Get Me, But I Can't Have My Kid Doing That. I Can't Do That To Her. Me? I Earned That F—ing Mercedes. You Better F—ing Believe It.

I Find That When People Laugh Really Hard, It's Usually Because They're Connecting And Identifying In A Way That They Hadn't Considered. That's My Payoff.

I Did A Show In New Jersey In The Auditorium Of A Technical High School ... Technical High School, That's Where Dreams Are Narrowed Down. We Tell Our Children, "you Can Do Anything You Want." Their Whole Lives. "you Can Do Anything!" But This Place, We Take Kids - They're 15, They're Young - And We Tell Them, "you Can Do Eight Things. We Got It Down To Eight For You."

It's Kind Of Awkward To Eat Alone In A Restaurant Because Everybody's Looking At Me.

When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore.

If You Do Something And People Think You're Stupid, Just Go For Crazy. You Get More Respect That Way Because Nobody Likes Stupid People.

When You Write From Your Gut And Let The Stuff Stay Flawed And Don't Let Anybody Tell You To Make It Better, It Can End Up Looking Like Nothing Else.

I Do Have Very Deep, Fond Memories Of My Family In Mexico City, But I Also Remember Feeling Funny For Not Speaking English - I Was Basically An Immigrant. But I Picked Up The Language Fast And Soon I Knew That I Wanted To Be A Writer.

I Was In A Hotel Room In Dallas, And I Was Jerking Off So Much And So Sadly And Pathetically, That The Phone Rang, And I Thought It's Them, They're Complaining. ... "sir, Could You Please Stop?"

Apple Embodies A Lot Of What Have Been Defined As Feminine Traits: An Emphasis On Intuitive Design, Intellect, A Strong Sense Of Creativity, And That Striving To Always Make The Greatest Version Of Something.

I Was Raised By A Hard-working Single Mother, So My First Role Model Was A Woman. My Only Caretaker Was A Woman, And I Have Three Sisters, So My Community Was Girls. I Have Two Girls, And My Dog Is A Girl. My Dead Dog Was A Girl. I Don't Know. I Guess I've Always Keyed In On That Perspective.

I'm Not Motivated To Entertain People Through Twitter, So Just By Having Twitter And Not Saying Anything, I Make People Mad.

If I Found Myself Alone On Planet Earth, No Other Humans, I Would Have Sex With A Monkey In Like Two Minutes. Two Minutes. That's Really Not Long Enough To Be Sure You're Alone On The Earth, Even. That's Like... I Walk Outside, It's- There's Not Much Traffic. "oh, My God, It's Just Me! I'm Gonna Have Sex With A Monkey Right Now. Oh, No-there's A Person."

There Are People That Really Live By Doing The Right Thing, But I Don't Know What That Is, I'm Really Curious About That. I'm Really Curious About What People Think They're Doing When They're Doing Something Evil, Casually. I Think It's Really Interesting, That We Benefit From Suffering So Much, And We Excuse Ourselves From It.

I Have A Crazy Amount Of Different Jobs, So The Way I Manage That Is To Not Do More Than One At A Time. It's Like Old Computers That Had Small Memory Chips, They Would Do Something Called Swapping, Where They Would Fill The Memory With One Task, Do It And Get It Out.

I Ate Too Much And Masturbated Too Recently, You Know? It's Bad To Like Jerk Off And Run Out The Door, 'cause You Run Into Somebody. "oh, She Knows..." You Got To Take Some Time Alone To Process The Shame.

The Greatest Thing About Having A Child Is Putting Yourself Second In Your Own Life. It's A Massive Gift To Be Able To Say You're Not The Most Important Person To Yourself.

I Can Feel How An Audience Is Reacting When I'm On A Stage, But When You Are On Stage, Your Perception Is Distorted. That's Something You Just Have To Know. It's Like Pilots That Fly At High Gs And They Lose, Sometimes, Consciousness And Hand/eye Coordination And They Just Have To Know That That's Going To Happen. They Have To Be Trained To Not Try To Do Too Much While They Are Doing That. So When You Are On Stage, You Have To Be Aware That You Are Wrong About How It Feels A Lot Of Times.

There's No Way You Ask Sean Penn A Question And Then, You're Gonna Be Huge !

People Don't Talk To Me On Airplanes.

What We've Done With Our Modern Food Supply Is Absolute Insanity. It's Not Even Real Any More. You Used To Be Able To Give A Kid An Apple And They Would Love It. Kids Can't Even Taste Apples Any More. Apples Taste Like Paper To Kids Now.

What Happens After You Die? Lot's Of Things Happen After You Die - They Just Don't Involve You

I Don't Care About The Weight. You Know, I'm Lucky; I'm One Of Those People - I Can Eat Donuts, Whatever, And I Just Get Fat.

I'm Not Sure Why I'm So Often Disgusting On Stage. I Don't Always Know Where It Comes From.

It's More Fun To Experience Things When You Don't Know What's Going To Happen.

For Years, Blockbuster Video Has Edited Movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, When He's Masturbating While The Girls In The Car Are Doing The Thing. I Rented It From Blockbuster And Sped To That Scene, And It Was Gone. I Called Up Blockbuster, And I'm Like, "i Got An Erection, And The Scene's Not There."

Pushing The Envelope' Sort Of Implies That You're Inside The Envelope With Everyone Else, And You're Trying To Find The Edges On The Outsides.

Out Of The People That Ever Were, Almost All Of Them Are Dead. There Are Way More Dead People, And You're All Gonna Die And Then You're Gonna Be Dead For Way Longer Than You're Alive. Like That's Mostly What You're Ever Gonna Be. You're Just Dead People That Didn't Die Yet.

People Get Successful And They Start Saying, 'well Of Course I Am! I Was Chosen! I'm Special!' No, You're Not.

I Wish I Could Know Everything Ever, Like That Would Be My Wish - That's What I Hope Heaven Is, That They Tell You Who Shot Jfk And All That Stuff.

If You Have Something To Say, Here's What You Do: You Write It Down On A Piece Of Paper, You Go Out In The Lobby, And Then You Go Home And You Kill Yourself.

You Can't Direct Without A Good Crew.

People Are Always Fighting For Attention With Things Now Because There's So Much Content. Actually, If You Don't Tell People Stuff - You Just Keep Your Mouth Shut - You Don't Have To Whisper It, You Just Don't Yell. Take The Bullhorn Off Your Mouth And It's A Secret.

Working In Tv And Navigating Success Is A Tricky Thing. It's Easier To Navigate The Hard Work Of Starting Out Because You Just Do Anything They Let You Do, But Once You Get Into An Orbit, After The Thrusters Have Pushed You Into The Orbit, Now You Have To Navigate That Orbit. There's No Choices When You're Starting Out. You're Just Like, "please, Let Me Do Anything." But Then It Turns Around And It's Like, "we'll Let You Do Anything".

Credibility Lasts About Two Cycles Of Bad Material, And Then You'll Probably Never Get It Back. If You Let People Down, That's Really Hard To Come Back From - Harder Than Climbing From Nothing To Something, Even.

I've Been Having A Lot Of Trouble Sleeping As We All Should. I Dunno. You Don't Live That Long. It Doesn't Matter.

I've Always Loved Boxing. It's Something I've Always Been Extremely Excited About.

I Grew Up Watching All These Crazy Movies, European Movies And Stuff, And I Guess That I Always Laughed At Things That Were A Little More Offbeat.

A Lot Of Stand-up Specials For Cable Are Meant To Glorify The Comedian. They Put You In A Really Beautiful Theater, And Sometimes They Even Blow A Little Smoke In There To Make It Misty And Sweet. They Make The Guy Look Like He's A Big Rock Star. But Comedy's Not Really Glamorous. It Doesn't Enhance Comedy For It To Look Good.

Everything Is Amazing And Nobody Is Happy

Cars And Cameras Are The Two Things I Let Myself Be Materialistic About. I Don't Care About Other Stuff.

The Only Road To Doing Good Shows, Is Doing Bad Shows.

You Would Never Do Stand-up Without An Audience. I Mean, No One Would Even Consider It. It's Like They're The Instrument You're Playing.

Well, When I Was Younger, I Lied All The Time, Because Once You Understand The Power Of Lying, It's Really Like Magic Because You Transform Reality For People.

Sometimes I Try To Take A Nap Before Shows. That Clears My Head.

Self-love Is A Good Thing But Self-awareness Is More Important. You Need To Once In A While Go ‘uh, I’m Kind Of An Asshole.’

It's Just A Big Excuse To Say Awful Things.

I Don't Have A Gun, But If I Did, I Would Shoot A Baby Deer In The Mouth And Feel Nothing.

Being Popular With An Audience Is A Very Rickety Ladder To Be On.

You Know What Our Number One Threat Is? Heart Disease.

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Comedians Work Great As Actors Because They're Good Under Pressure. With A Lot Of Actors, You Have To Make Them Feel Like Everything's Going Really Well To Get A Good Performance Out Of Them. But, If You Have A Comedian On The Set, You Can Tell Them, 'hey, You Really Are Screwing This Up,' And Then They Just Get Better.

I Always Tell My Kids To Cut A Sandwich In Half Right When You Get It, And The First Thought You Should Have Is Somebody Else. You Only Ever Need Half A Burger.

Race Doesn't Mean What It Used To In America Anymore. It Just Doesn't. Obama's Black, But He's Not Black The Way People Used To Define That. Is Black Your Experience Or The Color Of Your Skin? My Experience Is As A Mexican Immigrant, More So Than Someone Like George Lopez. He's From California. But He'll Be Treated As An Immigrant. I Am An Outsider. My Abuelita, My Grandmother, Didn't Speak English. My Whole Family On My Dad's Side Is In Mexico. I Won't Ever Be Called That Or Treated That Way, But It Was My Experience.

Black People Have Slavery. And White People Have Our Own Thing-stuff We Went Though That Hurt Us That We Have To Cope With. Like When They Took Our Slaves Away. That Was Really Hard For Us. So It's Pretty Even.

You Have To Be Able To Do A Bunch Of Things At Once, And Not Think About Things You're Not Doing While You're Doing Other Things. You Have To Be Disciplined About Not Trying To Do Everything, All At The Same Time. It's Hard And Fun.

I Found Out That I'm A Pretty Bad Father. I Make A Lot Of Mistakes And I Don't Know What I'm Doing. But My Kids Love Me. Go Figure.

It's A Positive Thing To Talk About Terrible Things And Make People Laugh About Them.

It’s Been A Very Old Thing For People To Gather Together And Laugh At Stuff. The First Comedian In America Really Was Abraham Lincoln. He Used To Go To A Pub Near Where He Lived And Stand In Front Of The Fire And He Packed The Place Every Night And He Would Just Talk And Bust Everybody In Their Guts. He Was Just A Hilarious Speaker And That’s What He Did.

Talking Is Always Positive. That's Why I Talk Too Much.

Someday, One Of Your Friends Is Gonna Get Divorced, It's Gonna Happen, And They're Gonna Tell You. Don't Go, 'ohhhh I'm Sorry.' That's A Stupid Thing To Say. First Of All You're Making 'em Feel Bad For Being Really Happy, Which Isn't Fair. And Second Of All: Divorce Is Always Good News. I Know That Sounds Weird, But It's True, Because No Good Marriage Has Ever Ended In Divorce. It's Really That Simple.

The Jackass Movies Are Honestly Some Of The Best Movies I've Ever Seen. I Laugh So Hard At Them. Those Guys Are Geniuses. If They Had Grown Up With A Different Group Of People, They Could've Been Performance Artists At Bard College, And People Would Be Writing Papers About Them.

I Do Love Standup. I Love Comedians. They're My Community. Also, Because I Know So Many Of Them, I Know The Value Of Them. I Know What They Can Do.

A Lot Of The Struggle I Had With Movies Is I Really Loved Moments And Tones And Feelings In A Scene, And I Loved Creating Those, But I Never Really Had Great Stories To String Them Together.

I Don't Like Waking Up. I Feel Like Staying In Bed Usually, But I Can't Because I've Got Two Kids Standing Next To My Bed, Just Eager To Live Another Day.

I Grew Up In A Generation That Had Exponential Technological Advances.

Life Isn't Something You Possess. It's Something You Take Part In, And You Witness.

If You're Older, You're Smarter. I Just Believe That. If You're In An Argument With Someone Older Than You, You Should Listen To 'em ... Even If They're Wrong, Their Wrongness Is Rooted In More Information Than You Have.

When I Was A Kid There Was A Show Called 'holmes & Yo-yo' About A Robot Cop. I Loved That Show And I Think It Only Lasted Like Three Episodes.

I Can't Just Sit On My Daughter's Bed And Just Say 'n---' All Night And Then Put Her To Sleep. I Just Ain't Gonna Do That... I Told The Girls That These Boys Are Racists, And They're Not Nice Boys. But I Think We Can Still Enjoy The Stories About The Fishin' And The Tradin'.

When I Got Divorced, I Thought 'well, There Goes My Act.'

You Can't Cancel My Stand-up Tours. It's Impossible. There's Too Many Separate Bosses. There Is No 'bosses.'

Sadness Is Poetic. You're Lucky To Live Sad Moments. When You Let Yourself Be Sad, Your Body Has Antibodies. It Has Happiness That Comes Rushing In To Meet The Sadness.

I Just Don't Trust Any Of It. Every Time I Read Something About How There's Been Another Ridiculous Climb Of The Dow Jones, There's A Part Of Me That Goes, “this Can't Be Good.” None Of This Is Real Money. You Know What I Mean? It's Not Like There's Actually More Of Anything. It's Just Ideas. When People Are Getting Richer And Richer But They're Not Actually Producing Anything, It Can't End Well.

Everything That's Difficult You Should Be Able To Laugh About.

When I Was First Divorced, I Started Dating Younger Women, And It Was Really Exciting. But After A While I Was Like, 'this Is Just Dumb.'

If I Owned A Network, I Would Never Let A Guy Just Put People On Without Telling Me Who They Are.

I Love Comedians. They're My Community.

Every Day Starts, My Eyes Open And I Reload The Program Of Misery. I Open My Eyes, Remember Who I Am, What I'm Like, And I Just Go, 'ugh'.

You Can't Answer A Kid's Question. A Kid Never Accepts Any Answer. A Kid Never Says, 'oh, Thanks. I Get It.'... They Just Keep Coming With More Questions - Why, Why, Why? - Until You Don't Even Know Who The Fk You Are Anymore At The End Of The Conversation. It's An Insane Deconstruction.

If You Think Everything You've Done Is Great, You're Probably Dumb.

People Say There's Delays On Flights. Delays, Really? New York To California In Five Hours, That Used To Take 30 Years, A Bunch Of People Used To Die On The Way There, Have A Baby, You Would End Up With A Whole Different Group Of People By The Time You Got There. Now You Watch A Movie And [go To The Toilet] And You're Home.

The Last Jobs I Had Were Fixing Cars And Covering Football Games For A Local Access Tv Station. As In Driving The Mobile Van To The Field, Setting Up 3 Cameras, Teaching Depressed Grownups And Interns How To Use Them And Directing The Game From The Van And Then Wanting To Kill Myself.

I Had Five Dollars In The Bank That I Couldn't Have For Three Days Until They Charged Me Another 15. Leaving Me With -10. What Does That Mean? I Don't Even Have No Money Any More. I Wish I Had Nothing. But I Don't Have It. I Don't Have That Much. I Have Not Ten. Negative Ten. I Can't Afford To Buy Something That Doesn't Cost Anything. I Can Only Afford To Get Something That Costs You Give Me Ten Dollars.

You Could Drive A Rental Car Until You Don't Want It. Just Get Out Of It While It's Moving And Just Walk Away. No, I Don't Feel Like Being In That Car Any Longer. Just Call Hertz. Hi, Your Car Is Drifting Into The Intersection Of 28th And Broadway, If You're Interested. It's Now Your Problem.

I've Had, What, Two Years? Probably Five Good Years. Before That I Had Twenty Years Of Uncertainty And Suffering And Ego Destruction And Poverty. All Those Things. That'll Always Outweigh The Good Times.

The Part That's Difficult Is Being Single, At 41, After 10 Years Of Marriage And Two Kids. That's Like Having A Bunch Of Money In A Currency Of A Country That Doesn't Exist Anymore.

To Me, Comedies Are Usually The Least Funny Movies. Movies That Are Actually A Comedy Are Usually Not All That Funny. To Me Goodfellas And Raging Bull Are Two Of The Funniest Movies I Ever Saw.

I Get Mad Like Anybody Else Does, But Being Able To Laugh About Getting Mad Is Very Healthy, And My Kids Know That.

You Need To Build An Ability To Just Be Yourself, And Not Be Doing Something.

Just Be Yourself

A Household Name Is Like Ketchup. Everybody Wants Ketchup. Ketchup Doesn't Hurt Anybody.

Bill Gates Has 90 Billion Dollars ... If I Had 90 Billion Dollars, I Wouldn't Have It For Long Because I Would Just Dream Of All The Crazy Stuff I Could Do With It. This Guy, 90 Billion Dollars. He Could Buy Every Baseball Team And Make Them All Wear Dresses And Still Have 88 Billion Dollars.

When I See Two Guys Kissing, I'm Like, How Come I Can't Kiss One Of Those Guys? They Look Like They're Having A Good Time.

To Me, Art Supplies Are Always Okay To Buy.

I Like Pressure. Pressure Doesn't Make Me Crack. It's Enabling. I Eat Pressure, And There Might Be Times When I Get A Bad Feeling In My Gut That This Might Be Too Much, But You Feel Pressure When You're Not Doing Something, You Know?

I Love Stand-up More Than Anything, And I'm So Happy To Have Found A Way To Use It In The Show.

There's A Woman I See Who's Not My Therapist, But She's Like An Old Friend Who's A Therapist In Profession. She Lets Me Talk To Her Like A Therapist Once In A While, And She Does A Great Thing. Whenever I Have A Big Dilemma, Like This Is A Big Problem In My Life, She Always Says, 'wow, You're Going To Have To Figure That Out.'

Last Week I Got A Flu That I Caught, 'cause My Daughter Coughed ... Into My Mouth.

I Do Feel A Lot Of Times Like I'm Out Of My League With My Kids In Terms Of What My Responsibility Is.

There's Nowhere I Won't Go. As Long As It's Horribly, Horribly True And/or Wrong.

There's No Such Thing As A Cheap Laugh.

There's Two Kinds Of Press That You Get When You Put Out A Tv Show: The Reviews, And The People That Just Decide What The Reviews Say.

My Kids Used To Love Math. Now It Makes Them Cry. Thanks Standardized Testing And Common Core!

I Have A Lot Of Beliefs, And I Live By None Of Them - That's Just The Way I Am They Make Me Feel Good About Who I Am.

Dating Is Horrible, It's Awful. I Don't Get It. It's Like You're Standing There: 'hi. Do You Want To Have Sex And Later Wish You Hadn't?' It's Horrible. And It's Awkward At 42 Because I Don't Have The Body Or The Drive. I Just Sit In The Car And Hope Somebody Gets In.

I Do Actually Use A Boxing Trainer When I Train For Stand-up.

Why Can't We Have Racism That's Ignorant But Nice? You Could Have Stereotypes That Are Positive About Race. You Could Say, "those Chinese People, They Can Fly!" "you Know About The Puerto Ricans? They're Made Of Candy!"

My Last Name Is Szekely. Sounds Like Saykay. When I Was A Little Kid I Had An Instructor In Camp Who Called Me Shnizneckely. He Would Make Fun Of My Name And It Hurt My Feelings Because I Was A Little Pussy And I Cried. He Said, 'well, How Do You Say It?' I Said, Seekay. So He Wrote 'c.k' On My Jersey And Everything. He Made My Name 'c.k' And I Just Stuck With It.

America's A Family. We All Yell At Each Other. It All Works Out.

I Look Around, Pretty Much 100% Of The People Driving Are Texting. And They're Killing, Everybody's Murdering Each Other With Their Cars. But People Are Willing To Risk Taking A Life And Ruining Their Own Because They Don't Want To Be Alone For A Second Because It's So Hard.

Rob Mcelhenney Who Runs 'it's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.' That Show Absolutely Kills Me And I Am Stunned By The Consistency Of Greatness It Has Maintained Over What Is Now A Record Breaking Amount Of Seasons ... How Do You Do That For So Many Years? My 14-year-old Daughter And I Watch It Together And We Both Laugh Crazy Hard.

My Show Is Sort Of A Short-film Anthology, And I'm Able To Tell Little Stories That Don't Necessarily Carry A Whole Episode In Terms Of Narrative. I Like The Audience Not Being Sure What They're Getting. I Think It's More Fun To Watch Something When You're Discovering It As You Go Along.

God Is Like A Shitty Girlfriend.

Everything's Amazing Right Now, And Nobody's Happy.

People Say, 'my Phone Sucks.' No, It Doesn’t! The Shittiest Cellphone In The World Is A Miracle. Your Life Sucks. Around The Phone.

Gay Men Have To Go Through Something To Own Their - Who They Are. They Get Beat Up. They Get Ostracized. Whatever They Go Through, If They Survive It, They Come Out Very Confident People.

When I Am In A Hotel, And I Turn Off The Lights And The Tv, I Just Freak Out. I Turn The Tv Back On And Don't Get Any Sleep.

If I'm Not On Tour, I Can Run Down To The Comedy Club And Do A Little Stand-up. If You're An Actor, You Can't Go - I Guess There's Forms Of It.

Technically, I've Learned That Having Good Legs And Wind Is Good For Being On Stage. You Have To Be In Shape And Have Endurance.

My Uncles Were All Funny. My Dad Wasn't Funny, But My Uncles Were All Funny. Now I Go Back And I Like Him Better Than Them, They Were Manipulative Funny.

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