Background Image

...

My 13-year-old Daughter Leaves The House At 7:15 Every Morning And Takes A Smelly City Bus To School Way Uptown. It's Like 8 Degrees Out, And It's Dark And She's Got This Morning Face And I Send Her Out There To Take A Bus. Meanwhile, My Driver Is Sitting In A Toasty Mercedes That's Going To Take Me To Work Once Both Kids Are Gone. I Could Send Her In The Mercedes And Then Have It Come Back To Get Me, But I Can't Have My Kid Doing That. I Can't Do That To Her. Me? I Earned That F—ing Mercedes. You Better F—ing Believe It.

-Louis C. K.

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

My 13-year-old Daughter Leaves

Louis C. K.

...

My 13-year-old Daughter Leaves The House At 7:15 Every Morning And Takes A Smelly City Bus To School Way Uptown. It's Like 8 Degrees Out, And It's Dark And She's Got This Morning Face And I Send Her Out There To Take A Bus. Meanwhile, My Driver Is Sitting In A Toasty Mercedes That's Going To Take Me To Work Once Both Kids Are Gone. I Could Send Her In The Mercedes And Then Have It Come Back To Get Me, But I Can't Have My Kid Doing That. I Can't Do That To Her. Me? I Earned That F—ing Mercedes. You Better F—ing Believe It.

Views: 5

Topic

More From Louis C. K.

You Know When You See A Mother Someplace Just Melting Down On Her Kid? She's Like, 'shut Up, I Hate You, You're Ugly!'... Any Parents There Are Thinking, 'what Did That Shitty Kid Do To That Poor Woman? That Poor Woman. I Wish I Could Help.'

I've Met A Lot Of People Who've Lost Their Jobs And They Still Have A Sense Of Humor.

I Don't Like Waking Up. I Feel Like Staying In Bed Usually, But I Can't Because I've Got Two Kids Standing Next To My Bed, Just Eager To Live Another Day.

Whenever I've Encountered A Christian Saying, 'why Don't You Stop Talking Like That So I Can Hear You?' I Think, 'well You're The One Putting The Earmuffs On, But I Wish You Could Hear Me Because I Like You.'

I've Been Having A Lot Of Trouble Sleeping As We All Should. I Dunno. You Don't Live That Long. It Doesn't Matter.

I Killed My Facebook Page Years Ago Because Time Clicking Around Is Just Dead Time. Your Brain Isn't Resting And It Isn't Doing. I Think People Have To Get Their Heads Around This Thing. All This Unmitigated Input Is Hurting Folks.

I Grew Up Watching All These Crazy Movies, European Movies And Stuff, And I Guess That I Always Laughed At Things That Were A Little More Offbeat.

It's A Positive Thing To Talk About Terrible Things And Make People Laugh About Them.

My Bank Is The Worst. They Are Screwing Me. You Know What They Did To Me? They're Charging Me Money For Not Having Enough Money. Apparently, When You're Broke, That Costs Money.

When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore. And A Lot Of Fathers Live In Kind Of An Avoidance. They Sit On The Toilet For Several Hours A Day... Oh, Honey, It Took Me 40 Minutes To Go To The Post Office... But Once You Become A Dad Without The Mom There, You Have To Take It All On, And You Sort Of Activate Male Skills That You Didn't Know You Could Apply To Fatherhood.

One Thing I Learned From Drinking Is That If You Ever Go Christmas Caroling, You Should Go With A Group Of People. And Also Go In Mid-december.

Kids Are Like Buckets Of Disease That Live In Your House.

I Don't Stop Eating When I'm Full. The Meal Isn't Over When I'm Full. It's Over When I Hate Myself.

You Know What Our Number One Threat Is? Heart Disease.

I Love Stand-up More Than Anything, And I'm So Happy To Have Found A Way To Use It In The Show.

Dating Is Horrible, It's Awful. I Don't Get It. It's Like You're Standing There: 'hi. Do You Want To Have Sex And Later Wish You Hadn't?' It's Horrible. And It's Awkward At 42 Because I Don't Have The Body Or The Drive. I Just Sit In The Car And Hope Somebody Gets In.

There's No Such Thing As A Cheap Laugh.

It's Hard Having Kids Because It's Boring... It's Just Being With Them On The Floor While They Be Children. They Read Clifford The Big Red Dog To You At A Rate Of 50 Minutes A Page, And You Have To Sit There And Be Horribly Proud And Bored At The Same Time.

The Only Road To Doing Good Shows, Is Doing Bad Shows.

Gay Men Have To Go Through Something To Own Their - Who They Are. They Get Beat Up. They Get Ostracized. Whatever They Go Through, If They Survive It, They Come Out Very Confident People.

You Would Never Do Stand-up Without An Audience. I Mean, No One Would Even Consider It. It's Like They're The Instrument You're Playing.

Everybody Is Different. Some Comedy Is More Musical Like Steven Wright. His Is A Pillar Of Comedy To Me. He Invented A Whole Form And All His Jokes Are Poems. So It's Different. I Wanted To Do It Like George Carlin. Now I Do It Like Me.

There's No Real Preparing At Home For Stand-up. You Just Go And You Just Do It.

I'm Bored' Is A Useless Thing To Say. You Live In A Great, Big, Vast World That You've Seen None Percent Of.

Spend Time With Your Kids And Have Your Own Ideas About What They Need. It Won't Take Away Your Manhood; It Will Give It To You.

I Don't Think Women Are Better Than Men, I Think Men Are A Lot Worse Than Women.

Well, I Think “likability” Is An Overused Word. I Don’t Watch People 'cause I Like Them; I Watch Them Because They’re Compelling. Sympathetic Is A Little Different... Likable Just Thins You Out. Working To Make A Character Likable Is What Kills Most Tv Shows.

The Only Pitch I Have To Movie People Is The Same As This One: Just Give Me $8 Million. I'm Not Telling You What It's About And I'm Not Telling You Who's In It.

I Like Pressure. Pressure Doesn't Make Me Crack. It's Enabling. I Eat Pressure, And There Might Be Times When I Get A Bad Feeling In My Gut That This Might Be Too Much, But You Feel Pressure When You're Not Doing Something, You Know?

I Just Always Loved Comedy And I Really Wanted To Be Good At It. And It Was Heartbreaking, 'cause I Started And I Wasn't Good At It. I Was Only 17-years-old, So I Had A Lot To Learn About Life In General. But I Just Kept On Trying. I Was Young Enough And Stupid Enough And I Had No Other Choice. I Had Nothing Else I Was Good At.

If You Do Something And People Think You're Stupid, Just Go For Crazy. You Get More Respect That Way Because Nobody Likes Stupid People.

The Ability To Just Sit There. That's Being A Person.

My Ex-wife, She Really Didn't Like The Material That I Did. And That's Something I Regret, That I Wasn't More Careful About Making Sure That She Was O.k. With It. I Just Sort Of Didn't Ask. So That's How That Goes.

What We've Done With Our Modern Food Supply Is Absolute Insanity. It's Not Even Real Any More. You Used To Be Able To Give A Kid An Apple And They Would Love It. Kids Can't Even Taste Apples Any More. Apples Taste Like Paper To Kids Now.

Everything Is Amazing And Nobody Is Happy

I'm Not A Political Comedian. That's Just Not What I Do.

Sometimes I Try To Take A Nap Before Shows. That Clears My Head.

A Lot Of Stand-up Specials For Cable Are Meant To Glorify The Comedian. They Put You In A Really Beautiful Theater, And Sometimes They Even Blow A Little Smoke In There To Make It Misty And Sweet. They Make The Guy Look Like He's A Big Rock Star. But Comedy's Not Really Glamorous. It Doesn't Enhance Comedy For It To Look Good.

Race Doesn't Mean What It Used To In America Anymore. It Just Doesn't. Obama's Black, But He's Not Black The Way People Used To Define That. Is Black Your Experience Or The Color Of Your Skin? My Experience Is As A Mexican Immigrant, More So Than Someone Like George Lopez. He's From California. But He'll Be Treated As An Immigrant. I Am An Outsider. My Abuelita, My Grandmother, Didn't Speak English. My Whole Family On My Dad's Side Is In Mexico. I Won't Ever Be Called That Or Treated That Way, But It Was My Experience.

Human Kindness Has No Reward. You Should Give To Others In Every Way You See. Expect Absolutely Nothing From Anyone. It Should Be Your Goal To Love Every Human You Encounter. All Human Suffering That You're Aware Of And Continues Without Your Effort To Stop It Becomes Your Crime.

Performing Comedy, You Develop A Rhythm Of Ideas And Laughs. I Live For It.

Stand-up Is Probably The Most Solo Performance In Art.

Every Day Starts, My Eyes Open And I Reload The Program Of Misery. I Open My Eyes, Remember Who I Am, What I'm Like, And I Just Go, 'ugh'.

My Kids Used To Love Math. Now It Makes Them Cry. Thanks Standardized Testing And Common Core!

A Very Painful Part Of Being A Parent Is Having Really Negative Feelings About Your Children When You Love Them So Much.

Expensive Quality Work Doesn't Cost More - It Pays.

People Are Too Afraid Of Uptown. A Lot Of People Will Tell You, Like, "don't Go To Harlem. You Can Never Go There. 'cause As Soon As You Get There, They Kill You." That's What People Think. As Soon As You Arrive In Harlem, Someone Just Stabs You In The Face Right Away. That's People's Image Of Harlem: Just Everyone Standing Around Waiting For Lost White People To Kill All Day. "did You See Any? I Didn't Either."

Most People Are Dead. Did You Know That? It's True, Out Of All The People That Ever Were, Almost All Of Them Are Dead.

A Household Name Is Like Ketchup. Everybody Wants Ketchup. Ketchup Doesn't Hurt Anybody.

If I Found Myself Alone On Planet Earth, No Other Humans, I Would Have Sex With A Monkey In Like Two Minutes. Two Minutes. That's Really Not Long Enough To Be Sure You're Alone On The Earth, Even. That's Like... I Walk Outside, It's- There's Not Much Traffic. "oh, My God, It's Just Me! I'm Gonna Have Sex With A Monkey Right Now. Oh, No-there's A Person."

You Have To Be Aware Of Who You're Talking To In An Audience.

There's Nothing That Beats Proving You're Funny By Making A Funny Thing, And Right Now There Are Huge Outlets For That, With You Tube And All The Other Stuff Online.

I Do Love Standup. I Love Comedians. They're My Community. Also, Because I Know So Many Of Them, I Know The Value Of Them. I Know What They Can Do.

I Would Rather Be With My Kids Than Anybody Else.

I Don't Have A Brother In Real Life.

People Don't Talk To Me On Airplanes.

To Me, There's A Huge Difference Between Criticism And Reviewing. I Really Love Reading Good Criticism Of Television And Film. To Me, A Critic Is Someone Who Analyzes A Show, Describes It, Talks About The People In It, Puts It In Historical Context Of Other Shows Like It, Compares It And Stuff, And Then Talks About The Intent Of The Show And Whether It Failed Or Didn't.

The Jackass Movies Are Honestly Some Of The Best Movies I've Ever Seen. I Laugh So Hard At Them. Those Guys Are Geniuses. If They Had Grown Up With A Different Group Of People, They Could've Been Performance Artists At Bard College, And People Would Be Writing Papers About Them.

It's Just A Big Excuse To Say Awful Things.

The Part That's Difficult Is Being Single, At 41, After 10 Years Of Marriage And Two Kids. That's Like Having A Bunch Of Money In A Currency Of A Country That Doesn't Exist Anymore.

Every Year White People Add 100 Years To How Long Ago Slavery Was. I've Heard Educated White People Say, 'slavery Was 400 Years Ago.' No It Very Wasn't. It Was 140 Years Ago...that's Two 70-year-old Ladies Living And Dying Back To Back. That's How Recently You Could Buy A Guy.

I Found Out That I'm A Pretty Bad Father. I Make A Lot Of Mistakes And I Don't Know What I'm Doing. But My Kids Love Me. Go Figure.

There’s A Need To Perfect Things In A Writers’ Room, And That Can Take A Lot Of Fun Out Of A Show Sometimes. It’s A Struggle. It Depends On Your Personality. Some People Love Working With A Writing Staff. I Had A Great Writing Staff On Lucky Louie, But It Sometimes Felt Like Congress Or Something.

Cars And Cameras Are The Two Things I Let Myself Be Materialistic About. I Don't Care About Other Stuff.

I Have Twitter So I Can Tell People What I Want Them To Buy And They Give Me Money.

If I Owned A Network, I Would Never Let A Guy Just Put People On Without Telling Me Who They Are.

When You're A Father In A Marriage, You Sort Of Become The Mother's Assistant, And You Sort Of Get A List From Her Every Day, And You Do, You Know, You Run Down The List, And It Feels Very Much Like A Chore.

You Can't Direct Without A Good Crew.

The Greatest Thing About Having A Child Is Putting Yourself Second In Your Own Life. It's A Massive Gift To Be Able To Say You're Not The Most Important Person To Yourself.

If You Have Something To Say, Here's What You Do: You Write It Down On A Piece Of Paper, You Go Out In The Lobby, And Then You Go Home And You Kill Yourself.

When You Have Bacon In Your Mouth, It Doesn't Matter Who's President.

Sometimes I Just Want To Tell A Story Regardless Of Whether It Fits What The Show Is Saying. I’ve Been In A Lot Of Writing Rooms Where Somebody Says An Idea And Everyone’s Dying, Like Laughing So They’re Delirious. It’s Like A Black Hole In A Good Way, Everything Starts To Fall Into It, You Know What I Mean.

My Kids Are Really Easy. I Often Worry That They're Too Easy To Deal With. They're Really Nice People.

I've Started To Kind Of Hate People, And It's Not Because I Have Anything Against Them. It's Just, I Enjoy It. It's Recreation.

Here's How My Brain Works: It's Stupidity, Followed By Self-hatred, And Then Further Analysis.

America's A Family. We All Yell At Each Other. It All Works Out.

When I Take My Kids Out For Dinner Or Lunch, People Smile At Us.

I Ate Too Much And Masturbated Too Recently, You Know? It's Bad To Like Jerk Off And Run Out The Door, 'cause You Run Into Somebody. "oh, She Knows..." You Got To Take Some Time Alone To Process The Shame.

Credibility Lasts About Two Cycles Of Bad Material, And Then You'll Probably Never Get It Back. If You Let People Down, That's Really Hard To Come Back From - Harder Than Climbing From Nothing To Something, Even.

You Have To Do A Show As Honestly As You Can. But You Also Can't Afford Skepticism, Because It's Preparing For Failure, Which Is Useless.

Stereotypically Speaking Feminists Can't Take A Joke. ::audience Boo:: See?

Natural Enemies

When I Was A Kid There Was A Show Called 'holmes & Yo-yo' About A Robot Cop. I Loved That Show And I Think It Only Lasted Like Three Episodes.

I Had Five Dollars In The Bank That I Couldn't Have For Three Days Until They Charged Me Another 15. Leaving Me With -10. What Does That Mean? I Don't Even Have No Money Any More. I Wish I Had Nothing. But I Don't Have It. I Don't Have That Much. I Have Not Ten. Negative Ten. I Can't Afford To Buy Something That Doesn't Cost Anything. I Can Only Afford To Get Something That Costs You Give Me Ten Dollars.

If I Do Something For My Kids, I Get A Medal, Because Most Fathers Don't.

I Was Driving In Manhattan. There's Traffic, Nobody's Moving... The Guy Behind Me Is Honking Just At Me. He Kept Yelling At Me. I Decided That I'm Gonna Argue With This Guy, But I'm Gonna Argue About Something Else. I'm Not Having His Argument; I'm Having Mine. So, He's Like, 'go!' And I Go, 'well Give Me Back My Jacket!' And He Stopped. I Was Like, 'yeah, You Got My Jacket! Give It Back! I Said You Could Borrow It, Not Have It! You're Stretching It Out, You Fat Pig! Give It Back, Now!' He Got Back In His Car, And He Locked His Doors.

When I See Two Guys Kissing, I'm Like, How Come I Can't Kiss One Of Those Guys? They Look Like They're Having A Good Time.

Here's A Huge Amount Of Work That Goes Into Placating A Network In Regular Television. It's Literally 70% Or 80% Of Your Workload, Is Showing Them The Material, Getting Their Notes And Presenting It To Them And Making Sure They Weigh In. It's A Huge Amount Of Work.

I Did A Show In New Jersey In The Auditorium Of A Technical High School ... Technical High School, That's Where Dreams Are Narrowed Down. We Tell Our Children, "you Can Do Anything You Want." Their Whole Lives. "you Can Do Anything!" But This Place, We Take Kids - They're 15, They're Young - And We Tell Them, "you Can Do Eight Things. We Got It Down To Eight For You."

I Think You Have To Try And Fail, Because Failure Gets You Closer To What You're Good At.

To Me, It's Very Exhilarating When Somebody Else Does A Great Thing, And It's Not Me.

To Me, Art Supplies Are Always Okay To Buy.

Young People Don't Even Consider That It's A Good Idea To Be Out On The Fringe, Which Is Where Good Ideas Come From.

Everything's Amazing Right Now, And Nobody's Happy.

It's Hard To Know Where Your Thoughts Come From, Especially When You Have A Thirst For Material Because You Need It Professionally.

I Didn't Make Any Kind Of Grades In High School. My Mother Was A Single Mom, Putting My Three Sisters Through College, And I Was Such A Bad Student That I Knew I Had No Right To Take Her Money. But I Loved Being In Classes And Learning. I Took In A Huge Amount Of What I Learned, But I Had A Feeling Of Always Being Behind And Being In Trouble.

There's A Reason It's Called 'girls Gone Wild' And Not 'women Gone Wild'. When Girls Go Wild, They Show Their Tits. When Women Go Wild, They Kill Men And Drown Their Kids In A Tub.

A Lot Of The Struggle I Had With Movies Is I Really Loved Moments And Tones And Feelings In A Scene, And I Loved Creating Those, But I Never Really Had Great Stories To String Them Together.

There's A Woman I See Who's Not My Therapist, But She's Like An Old Friend Who's A Therapist In Profession. She Lets Me Talk To Her Like A Therapist Once In A While, And She Does A Great Thing. Whenever I Have A Big Dilemma, Like This Is A Big Problem In My Life, She Always Says, 'wow, You're Going To Have To Figure That Out.'

Bill Has Three Goldfish. He Buys Two More. How Many Dogs Live In London?

What Happens After You Die? Lot's Of Things Happen After You Die - They Just Don't Involve You

When My Kids Were Younger, I Used To Avoid Them. I Used To Sit On The Toilet 'til My Legs Fell Asleep. You Want To Know Why Your Father Spends So Long In The Toilet? Because He's Not Sure He Wants To Be A Father.

Bill Gates Has 90 Billion Dollars ... If I Had 90 Billion Dollars, I Wouldn't Have It For Long Because I Would Just Dream Of All The Crazy Stuff I Could Do With It. This Guy, 90 Billion Dollars. He Could Buy Every Baseball Team And Make Them All Wear Dresses And Still Have 88 Billion Dollars.

My Last Name Is Szekely. Sounds Like Saykay. When I Was A Little Kid I Had An Instructor In Camp Who Called Me Shnizneckely. He Would Make Fun Of My Name And It Hurt My Feelings Because I Was A Little Pussy And I Cried. He Said, 'well, How Do You Say It?' I Said, Seekay. So He Wrote 'c.k' On My Jersey And Everything. He Made My Name 'c.k' And I Just Stuck With It.

I Finally Have The Body I Want. It’s Easy, Actually, You Just Have To Want A Really Shitty Body.

The Last Jobs I Had Were Fixing Cars And Covering Football Games For A Local Access Tv Station. As In Driving The Mobile Van To The Field, Setting Up 3 Cameras, Teaching Depressed Grownups And Interns How To Use Them And Directing The Game From The Van And Then Wanting To Kill Myself.

Sadness Is Poetic. You're Lucky To Live Sad Moments. When You Let Yourself Be Sad, Your Body Has Antibodies. It Has Happiness That Comes Rushing In To Meet The Sadness.

God Is Like A Shitty Girlfriend.

I’m Bored’ Is A Useless Thing To Say. I Mean, You Live In A Great, Big, Vast World That You’ve Seen None Percent Of. Even The Inside Of Your Own Mind Is Endless; It Goes On Forever, Inwardly, Do You Understand? The Fact That You’re Alive Is Amazing, So You Don’t Get To Say ‘i’m Bored.

Anytime You See A Bit Where Some Stranger Does Something To Me, It's Me.

If The Whole Country Had To Have The Same Conversation That Was Safe For Everybody, It Would Be A Pretty Awful Place To Live. There Wouldn't Be A Conversation.

I Learned That Money Can Be A Lot Of Things,it Can Be Something That Is Hoarded, Fought Over, Protected, Stolen And Withheld. Or It Can Be Like An Energy, Fueled By The Desire, Will, Creative Interest, Need To Laugh, Of Large Groups Of People. And It Can Be Shuffled And Pushed Around And Pooled Together To Fuel A Common Interest, Jokes About Garbage, Penises And Parenthood.

Someday, One Of Your Friends Is Gonna Get Divorced, It's Gonna Happen, And They're Gonna Tell You. Don't Go, 'ohhhh I'm Sorry.' That's A Stupid Thing To Say. First Of All You're Making 'em Feel Bad For Being Really Happy, Which Isn't Fair. And Second Of All: Divorce Is Always Good News. I Know That Sounds Weird, But It's True, Because No Good Marriage Has Ever Ended In Divorce. It's Really That Simple.

I've Tried To Do Away With Lying In My Life In The Last Few Years, But It's Hard.

I Don't Feel Those Limits When I'm On Stage. For Some Reason, Audiences Let Me Get Away With Things. Remember, It's All Comedy. Words. Thoughts. All Thoughts Are Safe And Worth Exploring.

It's Easier To Cancel A Show If It's Expensive.

My Show Is Sort Of A Short-film Anthology, And I'm Able To Tell Little Stories That Don't Necessarily Carry A Whole Episode In Terms Of Narrative. I Like The Audience Not Being Sure What They're Getting. I Think It's More Fun To Watch Something When You're Discovering It As You Go Along.

Life Is Full Of Horrible Mistakes.

Being Popular With An Audience Is A Very Rickety Ladder To Be On.

I Get Mad Like Anybody Else Does, But Being Able To Laugh About Getting Mad Is Very Healthy, And My Kids Know That.

You Have To Be Able To Do A Bunch Of Things At Once, And Not Think About Things You're Not Doing While You're Doing Other Things. You Have To Be Disciplined About Not Trying To Do Everything, All At The Same Time. It's Hard And Fun.

If You Had A Jetpack You'd Be Like I Have The Shittiest Jetpack. Who's Your Service Provider On Your Jetpack? Did They Make The New One? I Hate This Thing.

If You Can Survive Disappointment, Nothing Can Beat You

I'd Love To Have A Shitty Job. I Couldn't Hold Any Down. Standup Was The Only Thing I Could Stick With. I'm An Idiot That Way.

I Do Actually Use A Boxing Trainer When I Train For Stand-up.

People Say, 'my Phone Sucks.' No, It Doesn’t! The Shittiest Cellphone In The World Is A Miracle. Your Life Sucks. Around The Phone.

It's More Fun To Experience Things When You Don't Know What's Going To Happen.

My Uncles Were All Funny. My Dad Wasn't Funny, But My Uncles Were All Funny. Now I Go Back And I Like Him Better Than Them, They Were Manipulative Funny.

All Talking Is Good, Negative And Positive. Stabbing Is Bad; Talking Is Good.

You're A Tourist In Sexual Perversion. I'm A Prisoner There.

Comedy Isn't Polite And It Isn't Correct And It Isn't Accurate, Even. It's Just A Mess. So That's The Way That I Approach It.

People Are Always Fighting For Attention With Things Now Because There's So Much Content. Actually, If You Don't Tell People Stuff - You Just Keep Your Mouth Shut - You Don't Have To Whisper It, You Just Don't Yell. Take The Bullhorn Off Your Mouth And It's A Secret.

Comedians And Feminists... Are Natural Enemies, Because Stereotypically-speaking, Feminists Can't Take A Joke And... Comedians Can't Take Criticism.

I Have A Crazy Amount Of Different Jobs, So The Way I Manage That Is To Not Do More Than One At A Time. It's Like Old Computers That Had Small Memory Chips, They Would Do Something Called Swapping, Where They Would Fill The Memory With One Task, Do It And Get It Out.

I Was A Nerd Growing Up, And I'm A Little Antisocial And Awkward.

Most People Are Dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some Other Guys. But Mostly Those Two.

I Look Around, Pretty Much 100% Of The People Driving Are Texting. And They're Killing, Everybody's Murdering Each Other With Their Cars. But People Are Willing To Risk Taking A Life And Ruining Their Own Because They Don't Want To Be Alone For A Second Because It's So Hard.

There's No Way You Ask Sean Penn A Question And Then, You're Gonna Be Huge !

Out Of The People That Ever Were, Almost All Of Them Are Dead. There Are Way More Dead People, And You're All Gonna Die And Then You're Gonna Be Dead For Way Longer Than You're Alive. Like That's Mostly What You're Ever Gonna Be. You're Just Dead People That Didn't Die Yet.

Misery Is Wasted On The Miserable.

It's Kind Of Awkward To Eat Alone In A Restaurant Because Everybody's Looking At Me.

Everything That's Difficult You Should Be Able To Laugh About.

I Grew Up In A Generation That Had Exponential Technological Advances.

Perception Is Created And Twisted So Quickly.

If I'm Not On Tour, I Can Run Down To The Comedy Club And Do A Little Stand-up. If You're An Actor, You Can't Go - I Guess There's Forms Of It.

I Have A Lot Of Beliefs... And I Live By None Of Them...

I'm Not Raising The Children, I'm Raising The Grown Ups That They're Going To Be.

I Find That When People Laugh Really Hard, It's Usually Because They're Connecting And Identifying In A Way That They Hadn't Considered. That's My Payoff.

I Spend Enough Time Onscreen Looking Hangdog And Depressed.

For My Scale, How I Grew Up And Live My Life, I'm Making Plenty Of Money.

The Thing Is, Comedy's Gone In A Weird Direction. People Are Really Into Ironic Comedy And Fakeness And Cleverness.

I Wish I Could Know Everything Ever, Like That Would Be My Wish - That's What I Hope Heaven Is, That They Tell You Who Shot Jfk And All That Stuff.

I Do Feel A Lot Of Times Like I'm Out Of My League With My Kids In Terms Of What My Responsibility Is.

I Just Don't Trust Any Of It. Every Time I Read Something About How There's Been Another Ridiculous Climb Of The Dow Jones, There's A Part Of Me That Goes, “this Can't Be Good.” None Of This Is Real Money. You Know What I Mean? It's Not Like There's Actually More Of Anything. It's Just Ideas. When People Are Getting Richer And Richer But They're Not Actually Producing Anything, It Can't End Well.

You Know, The People Who Do Indie Film And Decide Who Gets Those Little Budgets? They're Mean, Man. They're Cold And Very Cool-oriented.

Look At All The Minorities Around Here! I'm The Only Majority.

Give A Man A Fish And You Feed Him For A Day. Teach A Man To Fish And You Feed Him For A Lifetime. Leave The Dude Alone And He'll Figure It Out.

You Know What, It's Not Your Life, It's Life. Life Is Bigger Than You, If You Can Imagine That. Life Isn't Something That You Possess, It's Something That You Take Part In And Witness.

I Don't Have A Gun, But If I Did, I Would Shoot A Baby Deer In The Mouth And Feel Nothing.

People Get Successful And They Start Saying, 'well Of Course I Am! I Was Chosen! I'm Special!' No, You're Not.

I Was In A Hotel Room In Dallas, And I Was Jerking Off So Much And So Sadly And Pathetically, That The Phone Rang, And I Thought It's Them, They're Complaining. ... "sir, Could You Please Stop?"

To Me The Goal Of Comedy Is To Just Laugh, Which Is A Really High Hearted Thing, Visceral Connection And Reaction.

People Say There's Delays On Flights. Delays, Really? New York To California In Five Hours, That Used To Take 30 Years, A Bunch Of People Used To Die On The Way There, Have A Baby, You Would End Up With A Whole Different Group Of People By The Time You Got There. Now You Watch A Movie And [go To The Toilet] And You're Home.

You Know The Only Thing Happier Than A Three-legged Dog? A Four-legged Dog.

...then I Got Divorced And Everything Changed, And I Became A Father In A Whole New Way And Found A Whole New Set Of Difficulties.

I Used To Like People More, But Now I Have Children And That Changes Your Life In A Lot Of Ways. Like You Spend Time With People You Never Would Have Chosen To Spend Time With, Not In A Million Years. I Spend Whole Days With People, I'm Like, "i Never Would Have Hung Out With You. I Didn't Choose You. Our Children Chose Each Other Based On No Criteria By The Way. They're The Same Size. They Don't Care Who They Make Me Hang Out With."

The Earliest Stand-up Comedy I Was Aware Of Was Bill Cosby. I Watched Saturday Night Live As Soon As I Was Aware Of It, And Monty Python Used To Be On Pbs At Weird Hours, So I Used To Try To Watch That. And I Loved George Carlin On Snl, That Was The First Stand-up I Ever Really Remember Seeing On Tv. And Then Steve Martin. I Guess I Was In Fifth Or Sixth Grade When Steve Martin Showed Up, And He Was Instantly My Idol. And Richard Pryor Around The Same Time Too, I Sort Of Became Aware Of Him, Though I Don't Remember The First Time I Saw Him.

I Have A Lot Of Beliefs, And I Live By None Of Them - That's Just The Way I Am They Make Me Feel Good About Who I Am.

We Have White People Problems In America. You Know What That Is? That's When Your Life Is Amazing, So You Just Make Stuff Up To Get Worried About.

I Know What It's Like To Have A Bunch Of Material That's Working That You Don't Care About. You Want To Die.

I Don't Like Comedy. I Like Funny Things. I Don't Like Comedy. Like, Comedy Movies Are Just, 'oh Jesus.'

The Problem Is, The More Famous You Get, The More People See You Who Didn't Choose To.

I Can't Just Sit On My Daughter's Bed And Just Say 'n---' All Night And Then Put Her To Sleep. I Just Ain't Gonna Do That... I Told The Girls That These Boys Are Racists, And They're Not Nice Boys. But I Think We Can Still Enjoy The Stories About The Fishin' And The Tradin'.

When You Write From Your Gut And Let The Stuff Stay Flawed And Don't Let Anybody Tell You To Make It Better, It Can End Up Looking Like Nothing Else.

You Can Figure Out How Bad A Person You Are By How Soon After September 11th You Masturbated, Like How Long You Waited... And For Me It Was Between The Two Buildings Going Down... I Had To Do It, Otherwise They'd Win.

Don't Text Or Twitter During The Show. Just Live Your Life. Don't Keep Telling People What You're Doing. Just, Because Also - Also - It Lights Up Your Big Dumb Face.

Apple Embodies A Lot Of What Have Been Defined As Feminine Traits: An Emphasis On Intuitive Design, Intellect, A Strong Sense Of Creativity, And That Striving To Always Make The Greatest Version Of Something.

Feeling Unsure And Lost Is Part Of Your Path. Don't Avoid It. See What Those Feelings Are Showing You And Use It.

Life Isn't Something You Possess. It's Something You Take Part In, And You Witness.

Working In Tv And Navigating Success Is A Tricky Thing. It's Easier To Navigate The Hard Work Of Starting Out Because You Just Do Anything They Let You Do, But Once You Get Into An Orbit, After The Thrusters Have Pushed You Into The Orbit, Now You Have To Navigate That Orbit. There's No Choices When You're Starting Out. You're Just Like, "please, Let Me Do Anything." But Then It Turns Around And It's Like, "we'll Let You Do Anything".

To Me, Comedies Are Usually The Least Funny Movies. Movies That Are Actually A Comedy Are Usually Not All That Funny. To Me Goodfellas And Raging Bull Are Two Of The Funniest Movies I Ever Saw.

Maybe God Is An Asshole...of Course Not, He's Not An Asshole, He's Imaginary.

When I Got Divorced, I Thought 'well, There Goes My Act.'

I Was Raised By A Hard-working Single Mother, So My First Role Model Was A Woman. My Only Caretaker Was A Woman, And I Have Three Sisters, So My Community Was Girls. I Have Two Girls, And My Dog Is A Girl. My Dead Dog Was A Girl. I Don't Know. I Guess I've Always Keyed In On That Perspective.

If You're Older, You're Smarter. I Just Believe That. If You're In An Argument With Someone Older Than You, You Should Listen To 'em ... Even If They're Wrong, Their Wrongness Is Rooted In More Information Than You Have.

I Don't Care About The Weight. You Know, I'm Lucky; I'm One Of Those People - I Can Eat Donuts, Whatever, And I Just Get Fat.

It’s Been A Very Old Thing For People To Gather Together And Laugh At Stuff. The First Comedian In America Really Was Abraham Lincoln. He Used To Go To A Pub Near Where He Lived And Stand In Front Of The Fire And He Packed The Place Every Night And He Would Just Talk And Bust Everybody In Their Guts. He Was Just A Hilarious Speaker And That’s What He Did.

There Are People That Really Live By Doing The Right Thing, But I Don't Know What That Is, I'm Really Curious About That. I'm Really Curious About What People Think They're Doing When They're Doing Something Evil, Casually. I Think It's Really Interesting, That We Benefit From Suffering So Much, And We Excuse Ourselves From It.

I Could Never Sit Down And Write Jokes.

I Love Being Divorced. Every Year Has Been Better Than The Last. By The Way, I'm Not Saying Don't Get Married. If You Meet Somebody, Fall In Love And Get Married. Then Get Divorced. Because That's The Best Part. Divorce Is Forever! It Really Actually Is. Marriage Is For How Long You Can Hack It. But Divorce Just Gets Stronger Like A Piece Of Oak. Nobody Ever Says 'oh, My Divorce Is Falling Apart, It's Over, I Can't Take It.'

Falling In Love

Self-love Is A Good Thing But Self-awareness Is More Important. You Need To Once In A While Go ‘uh, I’m Kind Of An Asshole.’

I Never Viewed Money As Being 'my Money' I Always Saw It As 'the Money.' It's A Resource. If It Pools Up Around Me Then It Needs To Be Flushed Back Out Into The System.

I Like Being Full, Every Day, With Stuff That I Have To Do.

I Do Have Very Deep, Fond Memories Of My Family In Mexico City, But I Also Remember Feeling Funny For Not Speaking English - I Was Basically An Immigrant. But I Picked Up The Language Fast And Soon I Knew That I Wanted To Be A Writer.

When A Person Tells You That You Hurt Them, You Don't Get To Decide That You Didn't.

Last Week I Got A Flu That I Caught, 'cause My Daughter Coughed ... Into My Mouth.

You Can't Answer A Kid's Question. A Kid Never Accepts Any Answer. A Kid Never Says, 'oh, Thanks. I Get It.'... They Just Keep Coming With More Questions - Why, Why, Why? - Until You Don't Even Know Who The Fk You Are Anymore At The End Of The Conversation. It's An Insane Deconstruction.

Why Can't We Have Racism That's Ignorant But Nice? You Could Have Stereotypes That Are Positive About Race. You Could Say, "those Chinese People, They Can Fly!" "you Know About The Puerto Ricans? They're Made Of Candy!"

When I Was First Divorced, I Started Dating Younger Women, And It Was Really Exciting. But After A While I Was Like, 'this Is Just Dumb.'

I've Learned From Experience That If You Work Harder At It, And Apply More Energy And Time To It, And More Consistency, You Get A Better Result. It Comes From The Work.

My Kids And I Figured Out That There’s A Third Kind Of Person, And I Don’t Know What You Call Them, But It’s Somebody Who Sees That The Glass Is Always Full Because It’s Half Full With Water And Half Full With Nothing, So That’s The Third Kind Of Person. I Don’t Know What It Is.

Trending Author

Category