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Stuffed Deer Heads On Walls Are Bad Enough, But It’s Worse When You See Them Wearing Dark Glasses, Having Streamers Around Their Necks And A Hat On Their Antlers. Because Then You Know They Were Enjoying Themselves At A Party When They Were Shot.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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Stuffed Deer Heads On

Ellen DeGeneres

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Stuffed Deer Heads On Walls Are Bad Enough, But It’s Worse When You See Them Wearing Dark Glasses, Having Streamers Around Their Necks And A Hat On Their Antlers. Because Then You Know They Were Enjoying Themselves At A Party When They Were Shot.

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Stuffed Deer Heads On Walls Are Bad Enough, But It’s Worse When You See Them Wearing Dark Glasses, Having Streamers Around Their Necks And A Hat On Their Antlers. Because Then You Know They Were Enjoying Themselves At A Party When They Were Shot.

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Start Thinking Positively. You Will Notice A Difference. Instead Of 'i Think I'm A Loser,' Try 'i Definitely Am A Loser.' Stop Being Wishy-washy About Things! How Much More Of A Loser Can You Be If You Don't Even Know You Are One? Either You Are A Loser Or You Are Not. Which Is It, Stupid?

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My Name Is Ellen And I'm A Vegetarian. Just To Add Another Label To Me: I Am A Lesbian, Aquarian And Vegetarian. I've Said It.

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That Woman In The Shampoo Commercial - She's Happy. She's... She's Too Happy.

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I Have The Picture Of Barack [obama] And Me Dancing Right Outside Of My Dressing Room Door, I See It Every Single Day, And It Makes Me Very Happy.

Never Follow Anyone Else’s Path, Unless You’re In The Woods And You’re Lost And You See A Path And By All Means You Should Follow That. Don’t Give Advice, It Will Come Back And Bite You In The Ass. Don’t Take Anyone’s Advice. So My Advice To You Is To Be True To Yourself And Everything Will Be Fine.

Be True To Yourself

True To Yourself

Something Big Happened Over The Weekend. Something That Affects Everybody, All Over The World. George Clooney Got Married.

I Had No Intention Of Becoming A Comedian. I Just Wanted To Make People Happy. I Tried Everything-i Shucked Oysters, I Painted Houses, I Sold Vacuum Cleaners. But There Was Always A Voice Saying, You Should Be Doing Something Different. And It Was Usually My Boss And I Was Being Fired.

There's Nothing I Know For Sure, Because I Know For Sure That Things Change.

I'm Going To Be Kind, Because Then It All Just Kind Of Spreads, And The World Is A Little Nicer Out There.

I Enjoy Growing Older And Wiser And Learning From My Mistakes Every Single Day.

Life Is About Balance. The Good And The Bad. The Highs And The Lows. The Thing Everyone Should Realize Is That The Key To Happiness Is Being Happy By Yourself And For Yourself. Happiness Comes From Within. You Have The Power To Change Your Own Mindset So That All The Negative, Horrible Thoughts That Try To Invade Your Psyche Are Replaced With Happy, Positive, Wonderful Thoughts.

The World Is Full Of A Lot Of Fear And A Lot Of Negativity, And A Lot Of Judgment. I Just Think People Need To Start Shifting Into Joy And Happiness. As Corny As It Sounds, We Need To Make A Shift.

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I Don't Know What People Are Scared Of...maybe They Think Their Children Will Be Influenced By Gay Marriage, But I've Got To Tell You, I Was Raised By Two Heterosexuals. Everywhere I Looked - Heterosexuals. And They Did Not Influence Me. It's Time We Love People For Who They Are And Let Them Love Who They Want.

When People Show Me Clothing That Seems Very, Very Feminine, It's Hard For Me To Embrace That, Because It Just Doesn't Feel Like Me.

I've Learned 2 Things About Tv. It's Always Easier With Vodka & Some Of The Best Singers Are From The Philippines

And Now I've Got To Explain The Smell That Was In There Before I Went In There. Does That Ever Happen To You? It's Not Your Fault. You've Held Your Breath, You Just Wanna Get Out, And Now You Open The Door And You Have To Explain, 'oh! Listen, There's An Odor In There And I Didn't Do It. It's Bad.

Now,i'm No Scientist,but I Know What Endorphins Are. They're Tiny Little Magical Elves That Swim Through Your Blood Stream And Tell Funny Jokes To Each Other. When They Reach Your Brain,you Hear What They're Saying And That Boosts Your Health And Happiness. "knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little Endorphin... Little Endorphin Who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And Then The Endorphins Laugh And Then You Laugh. See? Its Science.

I Hate Having To Do Small Talk. I'd Rather Talk About Deep Subjects. I'd Rather Talk About Meditation, Or The World, Or The Trees Or Animals, Than Small, Inane, You Know, Banter.

If Your Birthday Is On Christmas Day And You're Not Jesus, You Should Start Telling People Your Birthday Is On June 9 Or Something. Just Read Up On The Traits Of A Gemini. Suddenly You're A Multitasker Who Loves The Color Yellow. Because Not Only Do You Get Stuck With Them Combo Gift, You Get The Combo Song. "we Wish You A Merry Christmas - And Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas - Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas And A Happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!

Merry Christmas

The Problem With Labels Is That They Lead To Stereotypes And Stereotypes Lead To Generalizations And Generalizations Lead To Assumptions And Assumptions Lead Back To Stereotypes. It’s A Vicious Cycle, And After You Go Around And Around A Bunch Of Times You End Up Believing That All Vegans Only Eat Cabbage And All Gay People Love Musicals.

Contribute To The World. Help People. Help One Person. Help Someone Cross The Street Today. Help Someone With Directions Unless You Have A Terrible Sense Of Direction. Help Someone Who Is Trying To Help You. Just Help. Make An Impact. Show Someone You Care. Say Yes Instead Of No. Say Something Nice. Smile. Make Eye Contact. Hug. Kiss. Get Naked.

Even Before I Knew I Was Gay, I Knew I Didn't Want To Have A Child. I Knew I Didn't Want To Have One. I Never Want To Have To Release It From Me. Listen, I Love Babies. I Love Children. And I Melt When I'm Around Them. I Also Love My Freedom And I Love That I Can Sleep At Night.

I'm A Fan Of People Getting Together.

For Me, It's That I Contributed, ... That I'm On This Planet Doing Some Good And Making People Happy. That's To Me The Most Important Thing, That My Hour Of Television Is Positive And Upbeat And An Antidote For All The Negative Stuff Going On In Life.

Now We Have Hands-free Phones, So You Can Focus On The Thing You're Really Supposed To Be Doing. Chances Are, If You Need Both Of Your Hands To Do Something, Your Brain Should Be In On It Too.

I Know That Every Time I List Something That I Am, I Am Potentially Alienating A Whole Group Of People. Publicists And Managers Will Encourage You Not To Say What Political Party You Belong To, What You Eat, What You Don't Eat, Who You Sleep With And All That Stuff.

Honestly, I Would Eat Cardboard Rather Than Go Back To Eating Animals.

You Know, It's Hard Work To Write A Book. I Can't Tell You How Many Times I Really Get Going On An Idea, Then My Quill Breaks. Or I Spill Ink All Over My Writing Tunic.

Just Go Up To Somebody On The Street And Say 'you're It!' And Then Run Away.

Above All Things Physical, It Is More Important To Be Beautiful On The Inside - To Have A Big Hear And An Open Mind And A Spectacular Spleen.

If You're In A Position Where You Can Help Other People, There Is Nothing Better In Life Than Helping Other People. Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving

I Love Clothes, So When I Wear Clothes, They're Usually Somebody's. You Know, I'm Not Wearing Kmart.

Beauty Isn’t Between A Size Zero And A Size Eight, It Is Not A Number At All. It Is Not Physical.

The Only Thing That Scares Me More Than Space Aliens Is The Idea That There Aren't Any Space Aliens. We Can't Be The Best That Creation Has To Offer. I Pray We're Not All There Is. If So, We're In Big Trouble.

Catch-and-release, That's Like Running Down Pedestrians In Your Car And Then, When They Get Up And Limp Away, Saying -- 'off You Go! That's Fine. I Just Wanted To See If I Could Hit You.'

You Listen To Any Monologue On Late-night Tv Or Just In General, To People Talking, And There's Always A Joke At Someone's Expense. It's Sarcasm; It's Nasty. Kids Grow Up Hearing That, And They Think That's What Humor Is, And They Think It's Ok. But That Negativity Permeates The Entire Planet.

Dan: 'ah, Well, I Hope This Didn't Have Anything To Do With Me.' Ellen: 'no, Not Unless You Played Cat Woman In Batman.

What's New Orleans Without Music? And What's Music Without Dancing?

Designing Is My Hobby. If I Didn't Do What I Do For A Living - At Some Point When I Don't Do This For A Living - I'll Probably Just Do Design Work. I Love Finding Really Special Pieces Of Furniture.

I Really Don't Think I Need Buns Of Steel. I'd Be Happy With Buns Of Cinnamon.

I Personally Chose To Go Vegan Because I Educated Myself On Factory Farming And Cruelty To Animals, And I Suddenly Realized That What Was On My Plate Were Living Things, With Feelings. And I Just Couldn't Disconnect Myself From It Any Longer. I Read Books Like 'diet For A New America' And Saw Documentaries Like 'earthlings' And 'meet Your Meat,' And It Became An Easy Choice For Me.

I Think Anybody Who Wants To Be President Has To Be A Politician, But I Would Like To Find Somebody Who's Coming From A Loving Place Instead Of A Political Place.

I Get To Do Stand-up Every Single Day. I Love That Live Energy Exchange Between The Audience And Myself, And To Get To Say The Things I Want To Say And Comment On.

Portia And I Have Been Married For 4 Years And They Have Been The Happiest Of My Life. And In Those 4 Years, I Don't Think We Hurt Anyone Else's Marriage. I Asked All Of My Neighbors And They Say They're Fine

Beauty Is About Being Comfortable In Your Own Skin. It's About Knowing And Accepting Who You Are.

I Cannot Believe They Haven't Yet Come Up With A Better Screening Process Than The Mammogram. If A Man Had To Put His Special Parts Inside A Clamp To Test Him For Anything, I Think They Would Come Up With A New Plan Before The Doctor Finished Saying, "put That Thing There So I Can Crush It.

I Just Like Observing People - It's Something I've Done Ever Since I Was A Kid, And I Got Really Good At It. That's A Big Part Of Why I Became A Comedian. My Audience Is Filled With Every Kind Of Person You Can Imagine, And I Love That.

Now Airlines Charge For Everything... If The Oxygen Mask Drops, You Have To Swipe Your Credit Card To Start The Flow Of The Oxygen.

The Only Thing I Really Recommend, If You're Starting Out In Stand-up Is To Not Try To Copy Anybody Else. You Can Be Influenced By People. I Was Influenced By Steve Martin And Bob Newhart And Woody Allen, But I Never Tried To Be Someone Else. I Always Tried To Be Myself. And The Reason People Are Successful Is They're Unique.

Comedy Can Be, Especially In A Writer's Room, Really Aggressive, Kind Of A Very Male-dominated Room, And It Would Be Hard For Women. It's Not A Nurturing Place. It's Not Like A Lot Of Women Are Going To Say, I Can't Wait To Live That Lifestyle And Be In A Writer's Room Until 2 Or 3 A.m.

I Watch People's Behavior And Notice Things. I Think That's Why I Became A Comedian. I Notice How Stupid The Things We Do Are.

I Was Raised In An Atmosphere Of 'everything's Fine.' But As I Got Older, I Was Like, 'well No, Everything's Not Fine. There Is Stuff That's Sad.' I Am A Really Sensitive Person. I Think I Am Too Sensitive Sometimes.

Sensitive Person

We're Just Trying To Find Happiness In The Bodies And Minds We Were Given, Like Everyone Else.

Finding Happiness

Sometimes You Can't See Yourself Clearly Until You See Yourself Through The Eyes Of Others.

Asking Who's The 'man' And Who's The 'woman' In A Same-sex Relationship Is Like Asking Which Chopstick Is The Fork.

If Anybody Could Put Themselves In That Situation Of Feeling A Giant Loud Voice Saying You Don't Deserve The Same Rights, You Are Different And You Are Not Equal, It Feels Really Bad.

My Dog Of 17 Years Just Died. Oh You're Kidding?... Noooo... As Funny As That Is, I'm Not

I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

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Carolyn Mackler

Kenneth Grahame

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