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I Appreciate Your Giving My Book -- And In No Small Way, Me -- A Chance. To Thank You, I Really Wanted To Acknowledge All Of You In The Book. Unfortunately, I Didn't Have Enough Room For Each Name. So I've Put In A Code Name That Stands For All Of You Reading This Book. The Name Is 'mom.' It Will Be Our Little Secret. So When You See 'mom' In The Acknowledgments, You'll Know I'm Really Talking About You. And Don't Let My Mother Try To Tell You Otherwise.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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I Appreciate Your Giving

Ellen DeGeneres

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I Appreciate Your Giving My Book -- And In No Small Way, Me -- A Chance. To Thank You, I Really Wanted To Acknowledge All Of You In The Book. Unfortunately, I Didn't Have Enough Room For Each Name. So I've Put In A Code Name That Stands For All Of You Reading This Book. The Name Is 'mom.' It Will Be Our Little Secret. So When You See 'mom' In The Acknowledgments, You'll Know I'm Really Talking About You. And Don't Let My Mother Try To Tell You Otherwise.

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What You Look Like On The Outside Is Not What Makes You Cool At All. I Mean, I Had A Mullet And Wore Parachute Pants For A Long, Long Time, And I'm Doin' Okay.

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The Legend Goes That St. Patrick Drove The Snakes Out Of Ireland. I Was Thinking... That Must Be Hard To Put All The Tiny Seatbelts On All The Snakes.

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Start Thinking Positively. You Will Notice A Difference. Instead Of 'i Think I'm A Loser,' Try 'i Definitely Am A Loser.' Stop Being Wishy-washy About Things! How Much More Of A Loser Can You Be If You Don't Even Know You Are One? Either You Are A Loser Or You Are Not. Which Is It, Stupid?

But Seriously, I Think Overall In The Scheme Of Things Winning An Emmy Is Not Important. Let's Get Our Priorities Straight. I Think We All Know What's Really Important In Life - Winning An Oscar.

Portia And I Have Been Married For 4 Years And They Have Been The Happiest Of My Life. And In Those 4 Years, I Don't Think We Hurt Anyone Else's Marriage. I Asked All Of My Neighbors And They Say They're Fine

When You Take Risks You Learn That There Will Be Times When You Succeed And There Will Be Times When You Fail, And Both Are Equally Important.

Our Attention Span Is Shot. We've All Got Attention Deficit Disorder Or Add Or Ocd Or One Of These Disorders With Three Letters Because We Don't Have The Time Or Patience To Pronounce The Entire Disorder. That Should Be A Disorder Right There, Tbd - Too Busy Disorder.

I've Learned 2 Things About Tv. It's Always Easier With Vodka & Some Of The Best Singers Are From The Philippines

I Ask People Why They Have Deer Heads On Their Walls. They Always Say Because It's Such A Beautiful Animal. There You Go. I Think My Mother Is Attractive, But I Have Photographs Of Her.

I'm Not Going To Say Who Looks The Most Beautiful, But It's Clear. It's Jared Leto. I Mean, He's The Prettiest. Boy Is He Pretty

The Thing Everyone Should Realize Is That The Key To Happiness Is Being Happy For Yourself And Yourself.

Key To Happiness

The Most Important Thing In Your Life Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And To Not Give In To Peer Pressure To Try To Be Something That You're Not.

I Don't Need A Baby Growing Inside Me For Nine Months. If I'm Going To Feel Nauseous And Achy When I Wake Up, I Want To Achieve That State The Old-fashioned Way: Getting Good And Drunk The Night Before.

If You're In A Position Where You Can Help Other People, There Is Nothing Better In Life Than Helping Other People. Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving

I Put A Basketball In Front Of George Clooney's Door And Sprayed It With Supermodel Perfume To Lure Him Out.

Right Before I Decided To Come Out, I Went On A Spiritual Retreat Called 'changing The Inner Dialogue Of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd Never Been To Anything Like It Before, And All My Friends Were Taking Bets On How Long I'd Last With No Tv, No Radio, No Phone. But For Me That Was The Beginning Of Paying Attention To All The Little Things.

When People Show Me Clothing That Seems Very, Very Feminine, It's Hard For Me To Embrace That, Because It Just Doesn't Feel Like Me.

I Admire People Who Know They Can't Sing. There Are So Many People Out There Who Can't Sing, But They Think They Can, So They Sing A Lot.

I Believe One Day A 'ban On Gay Marriage' Will Sound Totally Ridiculous. In The Meantime, I Will Continue To Speak Out For Equality For All Of Us.

Trying To Get The Talk Show, Looking Back On It, We Had To Beg A Lot Of Station Managers To Pick Up The Show Because People Thought No One Would Watch It Because I'm Openly Gay.

I Was Raised In An Atmosphere Of 'everything's Fine.' But As I Got Older, I Was Like, 'well No, Everything's Not Fine. There Is Stuff That's Sad.' I Am A Really Sensitive Person. I Think I Am Too Sensitive Sometimes.

Sensitive Person

Please Raise Your Children With Love And Non-judgement. Tell Them Everyone Has The Right To Love Who They Want To Love. It Shouldn’t Threaten You Or Who You Are.

I Look At Anything In Nature And How Things Work - The Stars, The Pyramids - And I Can't Imagine That There's Not Some Kind Of Design To It All. There's Got To Be Something Big That We Don't Understand. I Do Believe In Jesus. I Believe In Being Good To One Another. Life Is About Spending Our Time Here Contributing And Not Taking Away. That's My Faith.

You Say You're Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me? I've Got News For You: I'm Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me.

That Woman In The Shampoo Commercial - She's Happy. She's... She's Too Happy.

I'm Probably The Most Honest Person You'll Ever Meet - To A Fault, Like, I-will-hurt-your-feelings Honest. I'm Sure If I Lied About Anything, It Would Have Been Silly, But I Haven't Retained That Information.

The First Time Probably People Really Were Aware Of Me, I Unfortunately Had The Title Of Showtime's Funniest Person In America. And That's A Really Tough Title To Travel Around With When You're Not Even Known.

Asking Who's The 'man' And Who's The 'woman' In A Same-sex Relationship Is Like Asking Which Chopstick Is The Fork.

If Anybody Could Put Themselves In That Situation Of Feeling A Giant Loud Voice Saying You Don't Deserve The Same Rights, You Are Different And You Are Not Equal, It Feels Really Bad.

Life Is Short. If You Doubt Me, Ask A Butterfly. Their Average Life Span Is A Mere Five To Fourteen Days.

The Stand Up, Everything Was Accidental. I Never Grew Up And Was The Class Clown And Had To Get The Attention. It Was - It Really Is, I Have A Career Despite Myself.

I Was In Yoga The Other Day. I Was In Full Lotus Position. My Chakras Were All Aligned. My Mind Is Cleared Of All Clatter And I'm Looking Out Of My Third Eye And Everything That I'm Supposed To Be Doing. It's Amazing What Comes Up, When You Sit In That Silence. "mama Keeps Whites Bright Like The Sunlight, Mama's Got The Magic Of Clorox 2."

When I Look Back On The Stuff I Used To Wear, I Wonder Why Somebody Didn't Try To Stop Me. Just A Friendly Warning, "you May Regret This," Would Have Been Fine.

If Someone Ever Says You’re Weird, Say Thank You.

Saying Thank You

Why Is It That When You Wipe Up Dust Its Called Dusting But When You Wipe Up A Spill Its Not Called Spilling? Just Something To Think About.

I Am Saddened By How People Treat One Another And How We Are So Shut Off From One Another And How We Judge One Another, When The Truth Is, We Are All One Connected Thing. We Are All From The Same Exact Molecules.

It Always Helps To Think About Other People Instead Of Ourselves.

We Put The Wrong Emphasis On What Beauty Is And What Health Is. Health Is Being Vibrant And Having Energy And Being Happy.

Sometimes When I Am Driving I Get So Angry At Inconsiderate Drivers That I Want To Scream At Them. But Then I Remember How Insignificant That Is, And I Thank God That I Have A Car And My Health And Gas. That Was Phrased Wrong-normally You Wouldn't Say, Thank God I Have Gas.

It`s Hard When Paparazzi Are Photographing Every Single Thing You Do. I'm Sure A Lot Of People Made Mistakes - They Just Were Not Documented The Way They Are Now.

Contribute To The World. Help People. Help One Person. Help Someone Cross The Street Today. Help Someone With Directions Unless You Have A Terrible Sense Of Direction. Help Someone Who Is Trying To Help You. Just Help. Make An Impact. Show Someone You Care. Say Yes Instead Of No. Say Something Nice. Smile. Make Eye Contact. Hug. Kiss. Get Naked.

Comedy Can Be, Especially In A Writer's Room, Really Aggressive, Kind Of A Very Male-dominated Room, And It Would Be Hard For Women. It's Not A Nurturing Place. It's Not Like A Lot Of Women Are Going To Say, I Can't Wait To Live That Lifestyle And Be In A Writer's Room Until 2 Or 3 A.m.

For Me, It's That I Contributed, ... That I'm On This Planet Doing Some Good And Making People Happy. That's To Me The Most Important Thing, That My Hour Of Television Is Positive And Upbeat And An Antidote For All The Negative Stuff Going On In Life.

My Dream Guests Are Really Not So Much Celebrities. They're People Who Are Actually Interesting And They're Doing Something Interesting With Their Lives Or Had An Interesting Experience In Some Way. I Really Enjoy Talking To Regular, Everyday People.

I Have The Worst Memory Ever So No Matter Who Comes Up To Me - They're Just, Like, 'i Can't Believe You Don't Remember Me!" I'm Like, 'oh Dad I'm Sorry!

One Rough Patch Is Not The Big Picture.

I Know There's Always Going To Be Feedback No Matter What The Subject. I Am Shocked By Somebody Commenting On My Shoes Or My Clothes. Everyone Has An Opinion, Everyone Is Logging About Everything And Has An Opinion. So I Can't Possibly Pay Attention To That.

There Would Be Nothing To Get Me To Run For President. I Don't Even Understand How Anyone Would Want That Job At All. Although I Would Be Able To Play Golf Which I Don't Seem To Have Time Now.

Gratitude Is Looking On The Brighter Side Of The Life, Even If It Means Hurting Your Eyes.

I Don't Consider Myself An Interviewer As Much As An Entertainer.

Haters Are My Motivators

Do Things That Make You Happy Within The Confines Of The Legal System.

Come On, If You Don't Win Tonight It Doesn't Mean You're Not A Good Person, It Just Means You're Not A Good Actor.

Don't You Hate When People Are Late To Work. And They Always Have The Worst Excuses. "oh, I'm Sorry I'm Late, Traffic." "traffic, Huh? How Do You Think I Got Here; Helicoptered In!?"

I Think What Saved Me Is Me Being Honest. I Think I Somewhow Had The Courage To Do Something And Say Something That I Knew Would Possibly End My Career. Instead Of Making Business More Important I Made My Soul And My Life More Important. And I Think By Being Truthful, And Being Honest, That Saved Me.

The First Person I Learned I Could Make Happy With Laughter Was My Mother, Whom I Idolize. It Was A Powerful Thing To Realize. I Knew I Had Found My Life's Work.

I'm So Unfamiliar With The Gym, I Call It James!

Some Celebrities, It's Interesting, Because They're Fantastic Playing A Character When Somebody Is Writing The Lines For Them, And They're Amazing Actors, But They're Not As Comfortable On Television In Front Of A Live Audience And Just Having A Conversation And Being Themselves.

Who Needs Sleep? I Laugh In The Face Of Sleep!

Procrastination Isn't The Problem. It's The Solution. It's The Universe's Way Of Saying Stop, Slow Down, You Move Too Fast.

Procrastination

I Just Want To Find Somebody Special, Somebody That I Click With.

It Is A Fundamental Right For People To Be Allowed To Love Who They Want To Love And Marry Who They Want To Marry And Stop Holding On To Some Form Of Discrimination That It's Just Isn't Fair.

It's Failure That Gives You The Proper Perspective On Success.

You Have To Have Funny Faces And Words, You Can't Just Have Words. It Is A Powerful Thing, And I Think That's Why It's Hard For People To Imagine That Women Can Do That, Be That Powerful.

There's No One Way To Dance. And That's Kind Of My Philosophy About Everything.

I Think There's Too Much Mult-tasking Going On. I Think People Need To Quiet Down And Focus And Be Still More.

Procrastinate Now, Don't Put It Off.

Procrastination

I'm A Lesbian, An Aquarian, And A Vegetarian.

I Prefer To Believe That People Are Good And Honest And Respect Me Enough To Tell Me The Truth. It's Not Easy To Find Those People All The Time, But They're Out There.

I Want People To Like Me - But Not At My Expense. I Just Learned That There Are Too Many People Who Are Going To Have An Opinion About Me Whether I Am Kind To Them Or Not. I Can't Control What They're Feeling. I Am Not A Yeller And I Don't Have A Temper, But I Do Want People To Do Their Best. And If Someone Is A Friend And I See That They're Doing Stuff That Is Not Helping Them Grow, I Will Make It A Point To Talk To Them About It.

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If You Want To Test Cosmetics, Why Do It On Some Poor Animal Who Hasn't Done Anything? They Should Use Prisoners Who Have Been Convicted Of Murder Or Rape Instead. So, Rather Than Seeing If Perfume Irritates A Bunny Rabbit's Eyes, They Should Throw It In Charles Manson's Eyes And Ask Him If It Hurts.

I Wanted To Have Money; I Wanted To Be Special; I Wanted People To Like Me; I Wanted To Be Famous.

It's A Lot Of Work To Put A Brand-new Monologue And A Brand-new Show On The Air And Find Comedy Every Single Day. It's Challenging And It's The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done, But It's The Best-suited Thing For Me. The More Relaxed I Get And The More Confident I Feel, The More I Get To Play And Be Myself...

I Had Done A Sitcom And A Movie And Hosted The Emmys, And All Of A Sudden, I Lost Everything. As Someone Put It At The Time, I Was Suddenly Like A Ferrari In Neutral.

Lost Everything

I Would Love To Have The Same Rights As Everybody Else. I Would Love, I Don't Care If It's Called Marriage. I Don't Care If It's Called, You Know, Domestic Partnership. I Don't Care What It's Called.

Nothing Says Holidays, Like A Cheese Log.

I Think The Hard Thing About This Job [stand-up] I Mean, I Think This Part Is Great But That The Traveling Is Y'know, 'cause 'cause I'm Gone A Lot From Home And This Time I'm Out For Three-and-a-half Weeks Without Going Home, And That's Hard, To Be Gone Three-and-a-half Weeks 'cause Then I Have To Ask My Friends, "would You Mind Going To The House And Watering The Plants, And Turn Some Lights On And Make It Look Like Somebody's Home, And Make Sure That The Mobile Over The Crib Isn't Tangled Or The Baby's Gonna Get Bored.

Most Comedy Is Based On Getting A Laugh At Somebody Else's Expense. And I Find That That's Just A Form Of Bullying In A Major Way. So I Want To Be An Example That You Can Be Funny And Be Kind, And Make People Laugh Without Hurting Somebody Else's Feelings.

What Goes Up Must Come Down, Which Is Why I Don't Wear Tube Tops.

I Do It Because I Love Animals And I Saw The Reality. And I Just Couldn't Ignore It Anymore. I'm Healthier For It, I'm Happier For It. I Can't Imagine That If You're Putting Something In Your Body That Is Filled With Fear Or Anxiety Or Pain, That That Isn't Somehow Going To Be Inside Of You.

When I Decided To Have My Character On The Show Come Out, I Knew I Was Going To Have To Come Out, Too. I Never Wanted To Be The Lesbian Actress. I Never Wanted To Be The Spokesperson For The Gay Community. Ever. I Did It For My Own Truth.

I've Always Said, I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Men... I Don't Drink Coffee.

Emote. It's Okay. It Shows You Are Thinking And Feeling.

I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See The Humor In A Lot Of Things. I Am Also Sad A Lot. I Cry Often And Easily. I Think You're Supposed To Feel All Kinds Of Things. You're Supposed To Laugh, You're Supposed To Cry, You're Not Supposed To Shove Your Feelings Under The Rug.

Really, He Called Me That? Ellen Degenerate? I've Been Getting That Since Fourth Grade. I Guess I'm Happy I Could Give Him Work.

I Would Rather Be The Good Aunt Who Never Says Anything Bad And Lets The Parents Discipline The Child.

What Would Bug The Taliban More Than Seeing A Gay Woman In A Suit Surrounded By Jews?

Take A Nap In A Fireplace And You'll Sleep Like A Log.

Things Will Get Easier, People's Minds Will Change, And You Should Be Alive To See It.

It's Such An Honor To Receive The Mark Twain Prize. To Get The Same Award That Has Been Given To People Like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey And Will Ferrell, It Really Makes Me Wonder… Why Didn't I Get This Sooner?

Accept Who You Are. Unless You're A Serial Killer.

I Love Furniture. And I Thought, Why Are We Not Seeing Who's Making The Cool New Coffee Table And These New Designs That Come Out?

I've Moved About 10 Times Over The Past 15 Years. I Don't Move For The Sole Purpose Of Getting Rid Of Stuff. I'm Not Crazy. I Also Move So That I Never Have To Wash Any Windows.

It's Nice When People Love You....for You.

Who's To Say What's Better Or Worse Anyway? Who's To Even Say What's Normal Or Average? We're All Different People And We're Allowed To Be Different From On Another. If Someone Ever Says You're Weird, Say Thank You. And Then Curtsy. No, Don't Curtsy. That Might Be Too Weird. Bow. And Tip Your Imaginary Hate. That'll Show Them.

When We Were Growing Up Our Parents Somehow Made It Clear That Being Famous Was Good. And I Mistakenly Thought That If I Was Famous Then Everyone Would Love Me.

Never Follow Anyone Else’s Path, Unless You’re In The Woods And You’re Lost And You See A Path And By All Means You Should Follow That. Don’t Give Advice, It Will Come Back And Bite You In The Ass. Don’t Take Anyone’s Advice. So My Advice To You Is To Be True To Yourself And Everything Will Be Fine.

Be True To Yourself

True To Yourself

I Won't Have A Hard Time Being Brutally Honest. But I Won't Be Mean. You Don't Have To Be Mean To Be Honest.

Stuffed Deer Heads On Walls Are Bad Enough, But It’s Worse When You See Them Wearing Dark Glasses, Having Streamers Around Their Necks And A Hat On Their Antlers. Because Then You Know They Were Enjoying Themselves At A Party When They Were Shot.

When I Was Younger I Thought Success Was Something Different. I Thought, " When I Grow Up, I Want To Be Famous. I Want To Be A Star. I Want To Be In Movies. When I Grow Up I Want To See The World, Drive Nice Cars. I Want To Have Groupies." But My Idea Of Success Is Different Today. For Me, The Most Important Thing In Your Life Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And Not To Give Into Peer Pressure, To Try To Be Something That You're Not. To Live Your Life As An Honest And Compassionate Person. To Contribute In Some Way.

And We Certainly Don't Have Full Conversations On Cellphones. You Know? Usually The Reception Is So Bad, But It's Only Bad On Your Side. The Person Talking To You Has No Clue. They're Just Rambling On And On. You've Got Your Finger Jammed In Your Ear, You're Shushing People On The Streets. You're Ducked Behind A Dumpster So You Can Hear About Your Friend's New Hair Cut. What About The Bangs Are They Shorter?! Are The Bangs Shorter?! The Bangs!

I Used To Beat Myself Up About Weight And Working Out, And No Matter What I Did I Never Felt Good About Myself. I Decided To Accept Myself And Know That I Am Good.

In The Beginning There Was Nothing. God Said, 'let There Be Light!' And There Was Light. There Was Still Nothing, But You Could See It A Whole Lot Better.

I Think I Let Go Of The Need For Approval. It Certainly Feels Good When You Get It, But I Used To Be More Desperate For It. Once I Felt Better Inside About Myself... I Could Do Everything Based On How I Want To Do Things.

Did You Ever Feel Like The Whole World Was Going To A Party And Your Invitation Got Lost In The Mail?

I Enjoy Growing Older And Wiser And Learning From My Mistakes Every Single Day.

The Way I See It... If You Need Both Of Your Hands For Whatever It Is You're Doing, Then Your Brain Should Probably Be In On It Too.

My Point Is, Life Is About Balance. The Good And The Bad. The Highs And The Lows. The Pina And The Colada.

My Life Is Perfect Even When It's Not.

While I Was Doing Stand-up, I Thought I Knew For Sure That Success Meant Getting Everyone To Like Me. So I Became Whoever I Thought People Wanted Me To Be. I'd Say Yes When I Wanted To Say No, And I Even Wore A Few Dresses.

I Personally Chose To Go Vegan Because I Educated Myself On Factory Farming And Cruelty To Animals, And I Suddenly Realized That What Was On My Plate Were Living Things, With Feelings. And I Just Couldn't Disconnect Myself From It Any Longer. I Read Books Like 'diet For A New America' And Saw Documentaries Like 'earthlings' And 'meet Your Meat,' And It Became An Easy Choice For Me.

The Reason I Do What I Do Is Because I Was Influenced By Steve Martin, By Woody Allen, By Bob Newhart, By Carol Burnett, By Lucille Ball.

Above All, I Strive To Be The Best I Can - To Be Better Than I Was Yesterday And Better Tomorrow.

Some People Believe That To Find Happiness, You Should Live Each Day Of Your Life As If It's Your Last Because That Way You Will Appreciate Every Single Moment You Have. Other People Believe That You Should Live Each Day As If It's Your First Because Then Every Day Can Be The Beginning Of A New Journey.

We Can Sit And Worry About What's Going To Happen To Us Two Weeks From Now. I'd Rather Focus On The Amazing Things Happening Right In Front Of Us.

Our Flaws Are What Makes Us Human. If We Can Accept Them As Part Of Who We Are, They Really Don't Even Have To Be An Issue.

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