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I Do It Because I Love Animals And I Saw The Reality. And I Just Couldn't Ignore It Anymore. I'm Healthier For It, I'm Happier For It. I Can't Imagine That If You're Putting Something In Your Body That Is Filled With Fear Or Anxiety Or Pain, That That Isn't Somehow Going To Be Inside Of You.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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I Do It Because

Ellen DeGeneres

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I Do It Because I Love Animals And I Saw The Reality. And I Just Couldn't Ignore It Anymore. I'm Healthier For It, I'm Happier For It. I Can't Imagine That If You're Putting Something In Your Body That Is Filled With Fear Or Anxiety Or Pain, That That Isn't Somehow Going To Be Inside Of You.

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People Always Ask Me, 'were You Funny As A Child?' Well, No, I Was An Accountant.

First Of All, I Don't Think They Have To Go That High. That Is Not Necessary, To Be That High In The Air. I Think They're Showing Off, Those Pilots. I Think We Could Just Go Really Fast Just A Few Feet Off The Ground. Just High Enough To Miss The Animals.

I Want People To Like Me - But Not At My Expense. I Just Learned That There Are Too Many People Who Are Going To Have An Opinion About Me Whether I Am Kind To Them Or Not. I Can't Control What They're Feeling. I Am Not A Yeller And I Don't Have A Temper, But I Do Want People To Do Their Best. And If Someone Is A Friend And I See That They're Doing Stuff That Is Not Helping Them Grow, I Will Make It A Point To Talk To Them About It.

You Know, It's Hard Work To Write A Book. I Can't Tell You How Many Times I Really Get Going On An Idea, Then My Quill Breaks. Or I Spill Ink All Over My Writing Tunic.

I've Learned 2 Things About Tv. It's Always Easier With Vodka & Some Of The Best Singers Are From The Philippines

I've Got A Lot To Say About Television. There's A Lot Going On In Television Right Now And I Feel Like A Huge Part Of Television.

I Think Furniture Is Art. I Don't Think Art Is Just For Your Walls - I Think Everything That Someone Has Made Is A Piece Of Art.

There Would Be Nothing To Get Me To Run For President. I Don't Even Understand How Anyone Would Want That Job At All. Although I Would Be Able To Play Golf Which I Don't Seem To Have Time Now.

We're Told To Go On Living Our Lives As Usual, Because To Do Otherwise Is To Let The Terrorists Win, And Really, What Would Upset The Taliban More Than A Gay Woman Wearing A Suit In Front Of A Room Full Of Jews?

Some Celebrities, It's Interesting, Because They're Fantastic Playing A Character When Somebody Is Writing The Lines For Them, And They're Amazing Actors, But They're Not As Comfortable On Television In Front Of A Live Audience And Just Having A Conversation And Being Themselves.

We Have Two Dogs, Mabel And Wolf, And Three Cats At Home, Charlie, George And Chairman. We Have Two Cats On Our Farm, Tom And Little Sister, Two Horses, And Two Mini Horses, Hannah And Tricky. We Also Have Two Cows, Holy And Madonna. And Those Are Only The Animals We Let Sleep In Our Bed.

I Like Sitting At Outdoor Restaurants; It Would Be Nice To Go Someplace On The Street And Not Worry About Somebody Taking My Picture While I'm About To Take A Bite Of Something.

One Time I Actually Cleaned Out My Closet So Good I Ended Up On The Cover Of Time Magazine.

But Seriously, I Think Overall In The Scheme Of Things Winning An Emmy Is Not Important. Let's Get Our Priorities Straight. I Think We All Know What's Really Important In Life - Winning An Oscar.

People Are Constantly Asking Portia And Me If We Are Going To Have Children. We Thought About It. We Love To Be Around Children After They've Been Fed And Bathed. But We Ultimately Decided That We Don't Want Children Of Our Own. There Is Far Too Much Glass In Our House.

You're Gonna Be Ok, Dum De Dum Dum Dum, Just Dance.

We Went To Lunch And Were Talking About Procrastination And The Waitress Overheard Us And She Said, 'i Have A Problem With Procrastination, Too.' I Said 'really?... Get My Sandwich.'

Procrastination

I'm Sure Men Have Their Own Ways Of Trying To Demean One Another, But Women Can Be Very Gossipy And Judgmental, And That Doesn't Help.

I Personally Chose To Go Vegan Because I Educated Myself On Factory Farming And Cruelty To Animals, And I Suddenly Realized That What Was On My Plate Were Living Things, With Feelings. And I Just Couldn't Disconnect Myself From It Any Longer. I Read Books Like 'diet For A New America' And Saw Documentaries Like 'earthlings' And 'meet Your Meat,' And It Became An Easy Choice For Me.

I Have A Terrible Problem With Procrastination. A Friend Told Me, "well, You Should Go To Therapy." And I Thought About It, But Then I Said, "wait A Minute. Why Should I Pay A Stranger To Listen To Me Talk When I Can Get Strangers To Pay To Listen To Me Talk?" And That's When I Got The Idea Of Touring.

Procrastination

You Talk To Some People Who Are Opposed To Same Sex Marriage, And They'll Say, 'if We Allow That, What's Next? Will People Want To Marry Animals?'...you Have To Wonder About People Who Go Straight To That Idea --- And They Think We're Weird!

The Reason I Do What I Do Is Because I Was Influenced By Steve Martin, By Woody Allen, By Bob Newhart, By Carol Burnett, By Lucille Ball.

I Enjoy Growing Older And Wiser And Learning From My Mistakes Every Single Day.

Laugh. Laugh As Much As You Can. Laugh Until You Cry. Cry Until You Laugh. Keep Doing It Even If People Are Passing You On The Street Saying, "i Can't Tell If That Person Is Laughing Or Crying, But Either Way They Seem Crazy, Let's Walk Faster." Emote. It's Okay. It Shows You Are Thinking And Feeling.

Do You Feel Insecure Because You Keep Getting The Nagging Feeling That You're Not That Smart? Well, I've Got Good News For You, My Friend. You Have No Need To Be Insecure. That Nagging Feeling Is Absolutely Right On Target. You Are Not That Smart. But I Have More Good News For You. You Are Also Not Alone.

A Circus! 100 Clowns Of Injustice Have Climbed Out Of The Tiny Clown Car Of This Court Room.

Who Needs Sleep? I Laugh In The Face Of Sleep!

We All Feel Like Idiots At One Time Or Another. Even If We Feel We're Cool 98 Percent Of The Time, That 2-percent Doofus Is Poised To Take Over Our Bodies Without Any Warning.

The Only Way A No-legged Leopard Could Hurt You Is If It Fell Out Of A Tree Onto Your Head.

All Of My Friends Were Seeing A Therapist, And I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me That I Didn't See A Therapist. So I Went To A Therapist To Find Out Why I Wasn't Seeing A Therapist. And It Turns Out I'm Very Screwed Up. Thank God I Found A Therapist To Tell Me For $125 An Hour.

It's Our Challenges And Obstacles That Give Us Layers Of Depth And Make Us Interesting. Are They Fun When They Happen? No. But They Are What Make Us Unique.

The World Is Filled With Negativity. I Want People To Watch Me And Think, “i Feel Good, And I’m Going To Make Somebody Else Feel Good Today.

I Became Vegan Because I Saw Footage Of What Really Goes On In The Slaughterhouses And On The Dairy Farms.

You Know, If You're Going To Be Honest With Yourself, You Have To Admit That You Go Into Show Business Wanting People To Talk About You And Wanting Everyone To Know Who You Are. But That Also Means There Are Going To Be A Whole Bunch Of People Who Don't Like You. No Matter Who You Are. I'm Sure There's Somebody Out There Who Doesn't Like Betty White Because She's Short And Has White Hair.

You Know That Song That Asks, "why Do Fools Fall In Love?"? I Think The Obvious Answer Is Because They're Fools.

Falling In Love

Designing Is My Hobby. If I Didn't Do What I Do For A Living - At Some Point When I Don't Do This For A Living - I'll Probably Just Do Design Work. I Love Finding Really Special Pieces Of Furniture.

Answers To Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One Time In High School. Three Times In My Twenties. Rocks No Salt. Yes. Four. Never. And How Dare You! I Will Take No Further Questions.

I Talked To Beyonce And She Wants To Learn How To Speak Arabic And She Wants To Jump Out Of An Airplane. I Don't Want To Do That. I Just Don't Want To Wash My Hair Every Day.

Haters Are My Motivators

I Think They Should Have A Barbie With A Buzz Cut.

The Only Thing I Really Recommend, If You're Starting Out In Stand-up Is To Not Try To Copy Anybody Else. You Can Be Influenced By People. I Was Influenced By Steve Martin And Bob Newhart And Woody Allen, But I Never Tried To Be Someone Else. I Always Tried To Be Myself. And The Reason People Are Successful Is They're Unique.

There's Nothing I Know For Sure, Because I Know For Sure That Things Change.

I Didn't Go To College At All, Any College, And I'm Not Saying You Wasted Your Time Or Money, But Look At Me, I'm A Huge Celebrity.

You Can Always Tell When The Relationship Is Over. Little Things Start Getting On Your Nerves, 'would You Please Stop That! That Breathing In And Out, It's So Repetitious.'

Funny Relationship

No One Is Perfect, Except For Penélope Cruz.

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