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I Have A Terrible Problem With Procrastination. A Friend Told Me, "well, You Should Go To Therapy." And I Thought About It, But Then I Said, "wait A Minute. Why Should I Pay A Stranger To Listen To Me Talk When I Can Get Strangers To Pay To Listen To Me Talk?" And That's When I Got The Idea Of Touring.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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I Have A Terrible

Ellen DeGeneres

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I Have A Terrible Problem With Procrastination. A Friend Told Me, "well, You Should Go To Therapy." And I Thought About It, But Then I Said, "wait A Minute. Why Should I Pay A Stranger To Listen To Me Talk When I Can Get Strangers To Pay To Listen To Me Talk?" And That's When I Got The Idea Of Touring.

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Topic

Procrastination

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I Have A Terrible Problem With Procrastination. A Friend Told Me, "well, You Should Go To Therapy." And I Thought About It, But Then I Said, "wait A Minute. Why Should I Pay A Stranger To Listen To Me Talk When I Can Get Strangers To Pay To Listen To Me Talk?" And That's When I Got The Idea Of Touring.

Procrastination

I Just Feel Like Every Kid Is Growing Up Too Fast And They're Seeing Too Much. Everything Is About Sex, And That's Fine For Me. I'm Not Saying I Don't Like It. But I Don't Think It Should Be Everywhere, Where Kids Are Exposed To Everything Sexual. Because They Have To Have Some Innocence; There's Just No Innocence Left.

I Put A Basketball In Front Of George Clooney's Door And Sprayed It With Supermodel Perfume To Lure Him Out.

The Problem With Labels Is That They Lead To Stereotypes And Stereotypes Lead To Generalizations And Generalizations Lead To Assumptions And Assumptions Lead Back To Stereotypes. It’s A Vicious Cycle, And After You Go Around And Around A Bunch Of Times You End Up Believing That All Vegans Only Eat Cabbage And All Gay People Love Musicals.

Above All, I Strive To Be The Best I Can - To Be Better Than I Was Yesterday And Better Tomorrow.

It's Our Challenges And Obstacles That Give Us Layers Of Depth And Make Us Interesting. Are They Fun When They Happen? No. But They Are What Make Us Unique.

One Rough Patch Is Not The Big Picture.

You Know How You Always Expect Someone To Think The Same As You And Then Your Like, Really Shocked When They Don't? Like When It's A Cold Day And You Turn To The Person Next To You And Say, 'its So Cold, Aren't You Cold?' And Then They Say 'no.' It's Kinda Like, 'what, Are You A Communist?'

This Is My Real Secret To Being A Joyful Person: I Make My Life Easy. I Spend More Time Being Grateful For What I Have Instead Of Focusing On What Isn't Working. I No Longer Believe That People Have To Do Things My Way And That I Have To Be Perfect.

No One Is Perfect, Except For Penélope Cruz.

Sometimes When I Am Driving I Get So Angry At Inconsiderate Drivers That I Want To Scream At Them. But Then I Remember How Insignificant That Is, And I Thank God That I Have A Car And My Health And Gas. That Was Phrased Wrong-normally You Wouldn't Say, Thank God I Have Gas.

The Reason I Do What I Do Is Because I Was Influenced By Steve Martin, By Woody Allen, By Bob Newhart, By Carol Burnett, By Lucille Ball.

Hosting The Emmys Is A Challenge For Me. I Guess It's The Equivalent Of Someone Who Needs To Climb A Mountain Or Jump Out Of A Plane. It's That Kind Of Thing, Where This Could Go Terribly Wrong. And I Love The Feeling Of When It Goes Right.

The Sixties Were When Hallucinogenic Drugs Were Really, Really Big. And I Don't Think It's A Coincidence That We Had The Type Of Shows We Had Then, Like The Flying Nun.

There Are “well-known Secrets” Out There And There Are People Who Are “so Happy They Could Die.” Sometimes People Are So Sad They Have To Laugh And Sometimes Things Feel So Wrong, They’re Right. Basically What I’m Saying Is, I Usually Don’t Know What People Are Talking About.

Procrastination Is Not The Problem. It Is The Solution. Procrastinate Now, Don’t Put It Off.

Procrastination

I Don't Know Who Had The Bright Idea Of Teaching Pneumonia How To Walk, But I'd Like To Find That Dunderhead Before He Decides He Wants To Teach It How To Drive.

I'm A - I'm A, Um, A Godmother Which Is Just, That's Fun To Be A Godmother, She Is So Precious, She's The Light Of My Life, She's Two... Or Five Or Something, And She's, Uh... I Don't Know, I've Never Seen Her - The Pictures Are Precious, She Just Seems So, Y'know... She Lives Clear Across Town, I Don't Have That Kind Of Time, But, Um... Well, I Send Money And Stuff, It's Not Like I Don't Have A Connection...

I'm Not An Activist; I Don't Look For Controversy. I'm Not A Political Person, But I'm A Person With Compassion. I Care Passionately About Equal Rights. I Care About Human Rights. I Care About Animal Rights.

Really, He Called Me That? Ellen Degenerate? I've Been Getting That Since Fourth Grade. I Guess I'm Happy I Could Give Him Work.

I Cannot Imagine Not Going Home To Animals. They Are The Closest Thing To God. They Don't Harbour Resentment.

My Dream Guests Are Really Not So Much Celebrities. They're People Who Are Actually Interesting And They're Doing Something Interesting With Their Lives Or Had An Interesting Experience In Some Way. I Really Enjoy Talking To Regular, Everyday People.

Procrastination Isn't The Problem. It's The Solution. It's The Universe's Way Of Saying Stop, Slow Down, You Move Too Fast.

Procrastination

It's Such An Honor To Receive The Mark Twain Prize. To Get The Same Award That Has Been Given To People Like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey And Will Ferrell, It Really Makes Me Wonder… Why Didn't I Get This Sooner?

Why Can't Rappers Just Say Nice Things? Like I Wanna Take Your Clothes Off And Hang Them Up In The Closet Real Nice.

There's Always Time To Do Things That You're Passionate About. ... If My Name Helps Get Something Out There That I Believe In Then I Am Going To Produce It. ... Design Is Really My True Love.

The Legend Goes That St. Patrick Drove The Snakes Out Of Ireland. I Was Thinking... That Must Be Hard To Put All The Tiny Seatbelts On All The Snakes.

If Your Birthday Is On Christmas Day And You're Not Jesus, You Should Start Telling People Your Birthday Is On June 9 Or Something. Just Read Up On The Traits Of A Gemini. Suddenly You're A Multitasker Who Loves The Color Yellow. Because Not Only Do You Get Stuck With Them Combo Gift, You Get The Combo Song. "we Wish You A Merry Christmas - And Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas - Happy Birthday, Terry - We Wish You A Merry Christmas And A Happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!

Merry Christmas

True Beauty Is Not Related To What Color Your Hair Is Or What Color Your Eyes Are. True Beauty Is About Who You Are As A Human Being, Your Principles, Your Moral Compass.

The Way I See It... If You Need Both Of Your Hands For Whatever It Is You're Doing, Then Your Brain Should Probably Be In On It Too.

I Would Rather Be The Good Aunt Who Never Says Anything Bad And Lets The Parents Discipline The Child.

All Of My Friends Were Seeing A Therapist, And I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me That I Didn't See A Therapist. So I Went To A Therapist To Find Out Why I Wasn't Seeing A Therapist. And It Turns Out I'm Very Screwed Up. Thank God I Found A Therapist To Tell Me For $125 An Hour.

I Think People Talk Too Much Anyway. Sometimes People Are Talking To Me And In My Mind I'm Just Like “shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Upblah Blah Blah Blah Blaaaaah.

Way, Way Back In The Day, Like In The 1990s, If You Wanted To Tell Everyone You Ate Waffles For Breakfast, You Couldn’t Just Go On The Internet And Tweet It Out. There Was Only One Way To Do It. You Had To Go Outside And Scream At The Top Of Your Lungs, 'i Ate Waffles For Breakfast!' That’s Why So Many People Ended Up In Institutions. They Seemed Crazy, But When You Think About It, They Were Just Ahead Of Their Time.

I Have An Amazing Team, I Have Amazing Producers, I Have Amazing Writers, But At The End Of It, It's Me Making The Decisions On The Writing, The Tone, The Editing.

I Think Furniture Is Art. I Don't Think Art Is Just For Your Walls - I Think Everything That Someone Has Made Is A Piece Of Art.

I Think People Need To Laugh Everyday. Whether The Economy Is Good Or Bad, I Think The Most Important Thing Is To Laugh And To Feel Positive, If You Are Laughing At Something Positive. But If You Are Laughing At Mean Jokes Then It's A Wash.

Beauty Is Not Between A Size 0 And A Size 8. It's Not A Number At All.

I Never See The Glass Half Empty Because I Drink Out The Bottle

I Know That Every Time I List Something That I Am, I Am Potentially Alienating A Whole Group Of People. Publicists And Managers Will Encourage You Not To Say What Political Party You Belong To, What You Eat, What You Don't Eat, Who You Sleep With And All That Stuff.

My Dog Of 17 Years Just Died. Oh You're Kidding?... Noooo... As Funny As That Is, I'm Not

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Walter Lippmann

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