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Have You Ever Heard Somebody Sing Some Lyrics That You've Never Sung Before, And You Realize You've Never Sung The Right Words In That Song? You Hear Them And All Of A Sudden You Say To Yourself, 'life In The Fast Lane?' That's What They're Saying Right There? You Think, 'why Have I Been Singing 'wipe In The Vaseline?' How Many People Have Heard Me Sing 'wipe In The Vaseline?' I Am An Idiot.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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Have You Ever Heard

Ellen DeGeneres

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Have You Ever Heard Somebody Sing Some Lyrics That You've Never Sung Before, And You Realize You've Never Sung The Right Words In That Song? You Hear Them And All Of A Sudden You Say To Yourself, 'life In The Fast Lane?' That's What They're Saying Right There? You Think, 'why Have I Been Singing 'wipe In The Vaseline?' How Many People Have Heard Me Sing 'wipe In The Vaseline?' I Am An Idiot.

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Just Go Up To Somebody On The Street And Say 'you're It!' And Then Run Away.

I Think I Let Go Of The Need For Approval. It Certainly Feels Good When You Get It, But I Used To Be More Desperate For It. Once I Felt Better Inside About Myself... I Could Do Everything Based On How I Want To Do Things.

Please Raise Your Children With Love And Non-judgement. Tell Them Everyone Has The Right To Love Who They Want To Love. It Shouldn’t Threaten You Or Who You Are.

I'm Sure Men Have Their Own Ways Of Trying To Demean One Another, But Women Can Be Very Gossipy And Judgmental, And That Doesn't Help.

I Do It Because I Love Animals And I Saw The Reality. And I Just Couldn't Ignore It Anymore. I'm Healthier For It, I'm Happier For It. I Can't Imagine That If You're Putting Something In Your Body That Is Filled With Fear Or Anxiety Or Pain, That That Isn't Somehow Going To Be Inside Of You.

So Be Who You Really Are. Embrace Who You Are. Literally. Hug Yourself. Accept Who You Are. Unless You're A Serial Killer.

Golden Eagles Have An Interesting Way Of Mating, Where They Connect In The Air While Flying At Eighty Miles An Hour And Then They Start Dropping And They Don't Stop Dropping Until The Act Is Completed. So It's Not Uncommon That They Both Fall All The Way To The Ground, Hit The Ground And Both Of Them Die. That's How Committed They Are To This. I Thought To Myself, 'boy, Don't We Feel Like Wimps For Stopping To Answer The Phone.' I Don't Know About You, But If I'm One Of These Two Birds, You're Getting Close To The Ground... I Would Serioulsy Consider Fakin' It.

I Appreciate Your Giving My Book -- And In No Small Way, Me -- A Chance. To Thank You, I Really Wanted To Acknowledge All Of You In The Book. Unfortunately, I Didn't Have Enough Room For Each Name. So I've Put In A Code Name That Stands For All Of You Reading This Book. The Name Is 'mom.' It Will Be Our Little Secret. So When You See 'mom' In The Acknowledgments, You'll Know I'm Really Talking About You. And Don't Let My Mother Try To Tell You Otherwise.

Everybody Always Resolves To Start Exercising, But They Never Do. You Know Why ? Because It's January. Who Wants To Go Jogging In The Freezing Cold ?

I Get Bored Easily, So I Need To Do A Lot. I've Started A Record Label, So I Get To Nurture New Talent And Talk About Music, Which Is A Passion Of Mine. I've Written Another Book. And I Get To Come To Work And Do The Tv Show, Which Is Always Really Fun.

I Cannot Believe They Haven't Yet Come Up With A Better Screening Process Than The Mammogram. If A Man Had To Put His Special Parts Inside A Clamp To Test Him For Anything, I Think They Would Come Up With A New Plan Before The Doctor Finished Saying, "put That Thing There So I Can Crush It.

One Rough Patch Is Not The Big Picture.

Asking Who's The 'man' And Who's The 'woman' In A Same-sex Relationship Is Like Asking Which Chopstick Is The Fork.

People Always Ask Me, 'were You Funny As A Child?' Well, No, I Was An Accountant.

I Don't Want To Get The Same Looks I Give People When They Get On A Plane Holding A Baby: "that's A Cute Baby, Just Keep Walking, Keep Walking, Keep Going, Keep Going.

I Have A Great Career, And I Have Wonderful Fans Who Really Are Supportive And Loyal - Because I'm Not Hiding Anything From Them.

Don't You Hate When People Are Late To Work. And They Always Have The Worst Excuses. "oh, I'm Sorry I'm Late, Traffic." "traffic, Huh? How Do You Think I Got Here; Helicoptered In!?"

You Talk To Some People Who Are Opposed To Same Sex Marriage, And They'll Say, 'if We Allow That, What's Next? Will People Want To Marry Animals?'...you Have To Wonder About People Who Go Straight To That Idea --- And They Think We're Weird!

I Think Furniture Is Art. I Don't Think Art Is Just For Your Walls - I Think Everything That Someone Has Made Is A Piece Of Art.

Human Beings Only Use Ten Percent Of Their Brains. Ten Percent! Can You Imagine How Much We Could Accomplish If We Used The Other Sixty Percent?

I Get Paid Very Well For An Amazing, Amazing Life. I'm Blessed.

I Do Like Men And I Had, You Know, A Guy In High School That I Wanted To Marry Desperately. He's The Mayor Of Some Small Town In Texas. I Could Be The Mayor's Wife Right Now.

Answers To Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One Time In High School. Three Times In My Twenties. Rocks No Salt. Yes. Four. Never. And How Dare You! I Will Take No Further Questions.

We Stock Up On Popcorn And Candy Like We're Crossing The Sierras, Don't We? I'll Have A Couple Of Soft Pretzels, A Hot Dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is That The Largest Popcorn You've Got There, That Bucket? You Don't Have A Barrel Or Anything Like That? Do You Have A Donkey Or A Pack Mule Or Anything? - Oh, And A Diet Coke.

Romance Often Begins By A Splashing Waterfall And Ends Over A Leaky Sink.

Sometimes You Can't See Yourself Clearly Until You See Yourself Through The Eyes Of Others.

I Believe One Day A 'ban On Gay Marriage' Will Sound Totally Ridiculous. In The Meantime, I Will Continue To Speak Out For Equality For All Of Us.

When People Show Me Clothing That Seems Very, Very Feminine, It's Hard For Me To Embrace That, Because It Just Doesn't Feel Like Me.

The Legend Goes That St. Patrick Drove The Snakes Out Of Ireland. I Was Thinking... That Must Be Hard To Put All The Tiny Seatbelts On All The Snakes.

Who's To Say What's Better Or Worse Anyway? Who's To Even Say What's Normal Or Average? We're All Different People And We're Allowed To Be Different From On Another. If Someone Ever Says You're Weird, Say Thank You. And Then Curtsy. No, Don't Curtsy. That Might Be Too Weird. Bow. And Tip Your Imaginary Hate. That'll Show Them.

Hosting The Emmys Is A Challenge For Me. I Guess It's The Equivalent Of Someone Who Needs To Climb A Mountain Or Jump Out Of A Plane. It's That Kind Of Thing, Where This Could Go Terribly Wrong. And I Love The Feeling Of When It Goes Right.

You Know How You Always Expect Someone To Think The Same As You And Then Your Like, Really Shocked When They Don't? Like When It's A Cold Day And You Turn To The Person Next To You And Say, 'its So Cold, Aren't You Cold?' And Then They Say 'no.' It's Kinda Like, 'what, Are You A Communist?'

I Have A Terrible Problem With Procrastination. A Friend Told Me, "well, You Should Go To Therapy." And I Thought About It, But Then I Said, "wait A Minute. Why Should I Pay A Stranger To Listen To Me Talk When I Can Get Strangers To Pay To Listen To Me Talk?" And That's When I Got The Idea Of Touring.

Procrastination

I Think People Need To Laugh Everyday. Whether The Economy Is Good Or Bad, I Think The Most Important Thing Is To Laugh And To Feel Positive, If You Are Laughing At Something Positive. But If You Are Laughing At Mean Jokes Then It's A Wash.

I Cannot Imagine Not Going Home To Animals. They Are The Closest Thing To God. They Don't Harbour Resentment.

I Care Passionately About Equal Rights [and] Animal Rights.

There Is Something About Tm. It Is The Only Time I Have That Stillness... It Gives Me This Peaceful Feeling-i Just Love It So Much.

Did You Ever Feel Like The Whole World Was Going To A Party And Your Invitation Got Lost In The Mail?

I Don't Think I Remember My First Memory.

My Dream Guests Are Really Not So Much Celebrities. They're People Who Are Actually Interesting And They're Doing Something Interesting With Their Lives Or Had An Interesting Experience In Some Way. I Really Enjoy Talking To Regular, Everyday People.

The Word "yoga" Literally Means "uniting", Because When You're Doing It You Are Uniting Your Mind And Your Body. You Can Tell This Almost Immediately Because Your Mind Will Be Thinking, "ouch, That Hurts," And Your Body Will Say, "i Know." And Your Mind Will Think, "you Have To Get Out Of This Position." And Your Body Will Say, "i Agree With You, But I Can't Right Now. I Think I'm Stuck.

What's New Orleans Without Music? And What's Music Without Dancing?

It's Funny How Cucumber Water Can Taste So Much Better Than Pickle Juice, Even Though They Come From The Same Source.

I Still Get Scared At Night. Every Tiny Creak, Every Little Noise, I Open My Eyes Real Wide And Listen With Them. Have You Noticed That? When It’s Dark And You Can’t See A Thing, You Open Your Eyes Really Wide And Glance Back And Force, Like Your Eyes Become Your Ears?

I Wanted To Have Money; I Wanted To Be Special; I Wanted People To Like Me; I Wanted To Be Famous.

Quick Decision Makers Are Often Stuck Behind Annoying People In Line At Starbucks.

I Was Coming Home From Kindergarten - Well They Told Me It Was Kindergarten. I Found Out Later I Had Been Working In A Factory For Ten Years. It's Good For A Kid To Know How To Make Gloves.

I Was Raised That You Don't Use Something Nice Until There's Someplace To Go.

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Gabriel Heatter

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