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And We Certainly Don't Have Full Conversations On Cellphones. You Know? Usually The Reception Is So Bad, But It's Only Bad On Your Side. The Person Talking To You Has No Clue. They're Just Rambling On And On. You've Got Your Finger Jammed In Your Ear, You're Shushing People On The Streets. You're Ducked Behind A Dumpster So You Can Hear About Your Friend's New Hair Cut. What About The Bangs Are They Shorter?! Are The Bangs Shorter?! The Bangs!

-Ellen DeGeneres

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And We Certainly Don't

Ellen DeGeneres

...

And We Certainly Don't Have Full Conversations On Cellphones. You Know? Usually The Reception Is So Bad, But It's Only Bad On Your Side. The Person Talking To You Has No Clue. They're Just Rambling On And On. You've Got Your Finger Jammed In Your Ear, You're Shushing People On The Streets. You're Ducked Behind A Dumpster So You Can Hear About Your Friend's New Hair Cut. What About The Bangs Are They Shorter?! Are The Bangs Shorter?! The Bangs!

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Procrastination

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Funny Inspirational

Funny Motivational

Though You Feel You're Not Where You're Suppose To Be, You Shouldn't Worry Because That Next Turn That You Take, It Will Lead You To Where You Wanna Go.

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No, We Can't Be Friends. You're My Mom. You're What I Talk To My Friends About.

I Believe One Day A 'ban On Gay Marriage' Will Sound Totally Ridiculous. In The Meantime, I Will Continue To Speak Out For Equality For All Of Us.

There Are “well-known Secrets” Out There And There Are People Who Are “so Happy They Could Die.” Sometimes People Are So Sad They Have To Laugh And Sometimes Things Feel So Wrong, They’re Right. Basically What I’m Saying Is, I Usually Don’t Know What People Are Talking About.

I'm Glad I'm Funny. I'm Glad I Make People Happy, Because That's Very Important. But I'm Proud To Be Known As A Kind Person.

Have You Seen The Deer Heads On The Walls Of Bars, The Ones Wearing Party Hats, Sunglasses And Streamers? I Feel Sorry For Them Because Obviously They Were At A Party Having A Good Time.

And The Bottom Line Is We Are Who We Are-we Look A Certain Way, We Talk A Certain Way, We Walk A Certain Way. I Strut Because I’m A Supermodel, And Sometimes I Gallop For Fun. When We Learn To Accept That, Other People Learn To Accept Us. So Be Who You Really Are. Embrace Who You Are. Literally. Hug Yourself. Accept Who You Are. Unless You’re A Serial Killer.

Our Attention Span Is Shot. We've All Got Attention Deficit Disorder Or Add Or Ocd Or One Of These Disorders With Three Letters Because We Don't Have The Time Or Patience To Pronounce The Entire Disorder. That Should Be A Disorder Right There, Tbd - Too Busy Disorder.

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Finding Happiness

For Some Reason, We Can't Just Enjoy Somebody Else's Success. Somehow, That's Going To Affect Us. If They Have More, Then I Have Less - And I Don't Know Why.

When The Message Out There Is So Horrible That, To Be Gay, You Can Get Killed For It... We Need To Change The Message!!

I Think I Let Go Of The Need For Approval. It Certainly Feels Good When You Get It, But I Used To Be More Desperate For It. Once I Felt Better Inside About Myself... I Could Do Everything Based On How I Want To Do Things.

When Your Heart Is Broken, When Your Heart Has Cracks In It, It Lets The Light In.

It's Such An Honor To Receive The Mark Twain Prize. To Get The Same Award That Has Been Given To People Like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey And Will Ferrell, It Really Makes Me Wonder… Why Didn't I Get This Sooner?

Penguins Mate For Life. Which Doesn't Really Surprise Me, Because They All Look Exactly Alike. It's Not Like They're Gonna Meet A Better-looking Penguin Someday.

Now,i'm No Scientist,but I Know What Endorphins Are. They're Tiny Little Magical Elves That Swim Through Your Blood Stream And Tell Funny Jokes To Each Other. When They Reach Your Brain,you Hear What They're Saying And That Boosts Your Health And Happiness. "knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little Endorphin... Little Endorphin Who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And Then The Endorphins Laugh And Then You Laugh. See? Its Science.

I Want People To Like Me - But Not At My Expense. I Just Learned That There Are Too Many People Who Are Going To Have An Opinion About Me Whether I Am Kind To Them Or Not. I Can't Control What They're Feeling. I Am Not A Yeller And I Don't Have A Temper, But I Do Want People To Do Their Best. And If Someone Is A Friend And I See That They're Doing Stuff That Is Not Helping Them Grow, I Will Make It A Point To Talk To Them About It.

I Get My Dance Moves From Just Moving Around And Listening To Music And Not Really Worrying About If It's Perfect Or Not.

Sometimes Something Being Taken Away From You Is Exactly What You Need To Take A Look At Yourself.

I See Those Picketers, And I Think You Know, If I Weren't A Loving, Non-violent, Spiritual Person, I Would Really Go Over There And Grab Those Signs And Smash Them Over Their Heads And Shove Them Up Their Asses. But...i'm A Loving, Spiritual Person.

Everybody Always Resolves To Start Exercising, But They Never Do. You Know Why ? Because It's January. Who Wants To Go Jogging In The Freezing Cold ?

You Say You're Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me? I've Got News For You: I'm Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me.

The First Time Probably People Really Were Aware Of Me, I Unfortunately Had The Title Of Showtime's Funniest Person In America. And That's A Really Tough Title To Travel Around With When You're Not Even Known.

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You Know, It's Hard Work To Write A Book. I Can't Tell You How Many Times I Really Get Going On An Idea, Then My Quill Breaks. Or I Spill Ink All Over My Writing Tunic.

Why Is It That When You Wipe Up Dust Its Called Dusting But When You Wipe Up A Spill Its Not Called Spilling? Just Something To Think About.

I Had No Intention Of Becoming A Comedian. I Just Wanted To Make People Happy. I Tried Everything-i Shucked Oysters, I Painted Houses, I Sold Vacuum Cleaners. But There Was Always A Voice Saying, You Should Be Doing Something Different. And It Was Usually My Boss And I Was Being Fired.

For A Long Time I Thought I Knew For Sure Who I Was. I Grew Up In New Orleans And Became A Comedian. And There Was Everything That Came Along With That. The Nightclubs. The Smoking. The Drinking. Then I Turned 13.

I Like To Try New Things Because I Get Bored So Easily.

We Stock Up On Popcorn And Candy Like We're Crossing The Sierras, Don't We? I'll Have A Couple Of Soft Pretzels, A Hot Dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is That The Largest Popcorn You've Got There, That Bucket? You Don't Have A Barrel Or Anything Like That? Do You Have A Donkey Or A Pack Mule Or Anything? - Oh, And A Diet Coke.

I Enjoy Growing Older And Wiser And Learning From My Mistakes Every Single Day.

Asking Who's The 'man' And Who's The 'woman' In A Same-sex Relationship Is Like Asking Which Chopstick Is The Fork.

Be Kind To One Another. Bye, Bye.

Haiku Sounds Like I'm Saying Hi To Someone Named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

Do You Live Each Day As If It's Your First Or Your Last? Either Way You Should Probably Have A Diaper On.

I've Been Trying To Find Women Writers For My Staff For A While Now And I Have Three Women On My Staff And Three Guys So It's Pretty Equal. I Don't Know Why That Is. It's Been The Same Thing For A While. It's Hard For Female Comedians To Stand Out. That's Weird. That's A Shame.

I Think People Need To Laugh Everyday. Whether The Economy Is Good Or Bad, I Think The Most Important Thing Is To Laugh And To Feel Positive, If You Are Laughing At Something Positive. But If You Are Laughing At Mean Jokes Then It's A Wash.

I Really Don't Think I Need Buns Of Steel. I'd Be Happy With Buns Of Cinnamon.

I Was Doing Stand-up At A Restaurant And There Was A Chalkboard On The Street Out Front. It Said, Soup Of The Day: Cream Of Asparagus. Ellen Degeneres.

If You Want To Get Rid Of Stuff, You Can Always Do A Good Spring-cleaning. Or You Can Do What I Do. Move.

I Ask People Why They Have Deer Heads On Their Walls. They Always Say Because It's Such A Beautiful Animal. There You Go. I Think My Mother Is Attractive, But I Have Photographs Of Her.

I Just Feel Like Every Kid Is Growing Up Too Fast And They're Seeing Too Much. Everything Is About Sex, And That's Fine For Me. I'm Not Saying I Don't Like It. But I Don't Think It Should Be Everywhere, Where Kids Are Exposed To Everything Sexual. Because They Have To Have Some Innocence; There's Just No Innocence Left.

I'm A - I'm A, Um, A Godmother Which Is Just, That's Fun To Be A Godmother, She Is So Precious, She's The Light Of My Life, She's Two... Or Five Or Something, And She's, Uh... I Don't Know, I've Never Seen Her - The Pictures Are Precious, She Just Seems So, Y'know... She Lives Clear Across Town, I Don't Have That Kind Of Time, But, Um... Well, I Send Money And Stuff, It's Not Like I Don't Have A Connection...

You Can Always Tell When The Relationship Is Over. Little Things Start Getting On Your Nerves, 'would You Please Stop That! That Breathing In And Out, It's So Repetitious.'

Funny Relationship

In The Beginning There Was Nothing. God Said, 'let There Be Light!' And There Was Light. There Was Still Nothing, But You Could See It A Whole Lot Better.

So Many People Prefer To Live In Drama Because It's Comfortable. It's Like Someone Staying In A Bad Marriage Or Relationship - It's Actually Easier To Stay Because They Know What To Expect Every Day, Versus Leaving And Not Knowing What To Expect.

Do You Feel Insecure Because You Keep Getting The Nagging Feeling That You're Not That Smart? Well, I've Got Good News For You, My Friend. You Have No Need To Be Insecure. That Nagging Feeling Is Absolutely Right On Target. You Are Not That Smart. But I Have More Good News For You. You Are Also Not Alone.

If We Lose Our Phones, We Lose Our Phone Books. You Don't Memorize Numbers Anymore.

If Someone Ever Says You’re Weird, Say Thank You.

Saying Thank You

I Know There's Always Going To Be Feedback No Matter What The Subject. I Am Shocked By Somebody Commenting On My Shoes Or My Clothes. Everyone Has An Opinion, Everyone Is Logging About Everything And Has An Opinion. So I Can't Possibly Pay Attention To That.

My Grandmother Started Walking Five Miles A Day When She Was Sixty. She's Ninety-seven Now, And We Don't Know Where The Hell She Is.

I Get Bored Easily, So I Need To Do A Lot. I've Started A Record Label, So I Get To Nurture New Talent And Talk About Music, Which Is A Passion Of Mine. I've Written Another Book. And I Get To Come To Work And Do The Tv Show, Which Is Always Really Fun.

All Of My Friends Were Seeing A Therapist, And I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me That I Didn't See A Therapist. So I Went To A Therapist To Find Out Why I Wasn't Seeing A Therapist. And It Turns Out I'm Very Screwed Up. Thank God I Found A Therapist To Tell Me For $125 An Hour.

It's Just, You Can Get Very Complacent If You Do The Same Thing All The Time And Especially The Comedian, It Gives Me You Know Different Things To React To And Respond To, And It Stimulates Me.

You Know How You Always Expect Someone To Think The Same As You And Then Your Like, Really Shocked When They Don't? Like When It's A Cold Day And You Turn To The Person Next To You And Say, 'its So Cold, Aren't You Cold?' And Then They Say 'no.' It's Kinda Like, 'what, Are You A Communist?'

Now Airlines Charge For Everything... If The Oxygen Mask Drops, You Have To Swipe Your Credit Card To Start The Flow Of The Oxygen.

I Don't Understand The Sizes Anymore. There's A Size Zero, Which I Didn't Even Know That They Had. It Must Stand For: 'ohhh My God, You're Thin.'

So Be Who You Really Are. Embrace Who You Are. Literally. Hug Yourself. Accept Who You Are. Unless You're A Serial Killer.

One Time I Actually Cleaned Out My Closet So Good I Ended Up On The Cover Of Time Magazine.

The Good Psychic Would Pick Up The Phone Before It Rang. Of Course It Is Possible There Was Noone On The Other Line. Once She Said "god Bless You" I Said, "i Didn't Sneeze" She Looked Deep Into My Eyes And Said, "you Will, Eventually." And Damn It If She Wasn't Right. Two Days Later I Sneezed.

Above All Things Physical, It Is More Important To Be Beautiful On The Inside - To Have A Big Hear And An Open Mind And A Spectacular Spleen.

I Always Worry When Someone's A Good Golfer. It's Like You Shouldn't Have Time To Be Good At Anything. You Should Just Be A Politician And You Shouldn't Have Time To Practice Golf.

The Word "yoga" Literally Means "uniting", Because When You're Doing It You Are Uniting Your Mind And Your Body. You Can Tell This Almost Immediately Because Your Mind Will Be Thinking, "ouch, That Hurts," And Your Body Will Say, "i Know." And Your Mind Will Think, "you Have To Get Out Of This Position." And Your Body Will Say, "i Agree With You, But I Can't Right Now. I Think I'm Stuck.

Find Out Who You Are And Be That Person. That's What Your Soul Was Put On This Earth To Be. Find That Truth, Live That Truth And Everything Else Will Come.

I've Got A Lot To Say About Television. There's A Lot Going On In Television Right Now And I Feel Like A Huge Part Of Television.

I Know That Experts Say You're More Likely To Get Hurt Crossing The Street Than You Are Flying, But That Doesn't Make Me Any Less Frightened Of Flying. If Anything, It Makes Me More Afraid Of Crossing The Street.

And We Certainly Don't Have Full Conversations On Cellphones. You Know? Usually The Reception Is So Bad, But It's Only Bad On Your Side. The Person Talking To You Has No Clue. They're Just Rambling On And On. You've Got Your Finger Jammed In Your Ear, You're Shushing People On The Streets. You're Ducked Behind A Dumpster So You Can Hear About Your Friend's New Hair Cut. What About The Bangs Are They Shorter?! Are The Bangs Shorter?! The Bangs!

I've Always Said, I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Men... I Don't Drink Coffee.

If There Weren't Blacks, Jews And Gays, There Would No Oscars. Or Anyone Named Oscar, If You Think About That.

Sometimes When I Am Driving I Get So Angry At Inconsiderate Drivers That I Want To Scream At Them. But Then I Remember How Insignificant That Is, And I Thank God That I Have A Car And My Health And Gas. That Was Phrased Wrong-normally You Wouldn't Say, Thank God I Have Gas.

I'm Sure Men Have Their Own Ways Of Trying To Demean One Another, But Women Can Be Very Gossipy And Judgmental, And That Doesn't Help.

I Don't Consider Myself An Interviewer As Much As An Entertainer.

Gratitude Is Looking On The Brighter Side Of The Life, Even If It Means Hurting Your Eyes.

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Mikhail Khodorkovsky

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