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I'm Just Saying We Can All Work On Our Manners. We Can Say Please And Thank You. We Can Be Punctual. We Can Just Be Nicer To One Another. It's Something We Have In Our Power To Do. It Reminds Me Of That Margaret Mead Quote: "never Doubt That A Small Group Of Thoughtful, Committed Citizens Can Change The World. Indeed, It's The Only Thing That Ever Has.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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I'm Just Saying We

Ellen DeGeneres

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I'm Just Saying We Can All Work On Our Manners. We Can Say Please And Thank You. We Can Be Punctual. We Can Just Be Nicer To One Another. It's Something We Have In Our Power To Do. It Reminds Me Of That Margaret Mead Quote: "never Doubt That A Small Group Of Thoughtful, Committed Citizens Can Change The World. Indeed, It's The Only Thing That Ever Has.

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Life Is About Balance. The Good And The Bad. The Highs And The Lows. The Thing Everyone Should Realize Is That The Key To Happiness Is Being Happy By Yourself And For Yourself. Happiness Comes From Within. You Have The Power To Change Your Own Mindset So That All The Negative, Horrible Thoughts That Try To Invade Your Psyche Are Replaced With Happy, Positive, Wonderful Thoughts.

I Had Everything I'd Hoped For, But I Wasn't Being Myself. So I Decided To Be Honest About Who I Was. It Was Strange: The People Who Loved Me For Being Funny Suddenly Didn't Like Me For Being... Me.

Have You Seen The Deer Heads On The Walls Of Bars, The Ones Wearing Party Hats, Sunglasses And Streamers? I Feel Sorry For Them Because Obviously They Were At A Party Having A Good Time.

I Have The Picture Of Barack [obama] And Me Dancing Right Outside Of My Dressing Room Door, I See It Every Single Day, And It Makes Me Very Happy.

You Should Never Assume. You Know What Happens When You Assume. You Make An Ass Out Of You And Me Because That's How It's Spelled.

The Stand Up, Everything Was Accidental. I Never Grew Up And Was The Class Clown And Had To Get The Attention. It Was - It Really Is, I Have A Career Despite Myself.

Our Flaws Are What Makes Us Human. If We Can Accept Them As Part Of Who We Are, They Really Don't Even Have To Be An Issue.

There Are All Sorts Of Books Offering Advice On How To Deal With Life-threatening Situations, But Where's The Advice On Dealing With Embarrassing Ones?

When You Take Risks You Learn That There Will Be Times When You Succeed And There Will Be Times When You Fail, And Both Are Equally Important.

Life Is Short. If You Doubt Me, Ask A Butterfly. Their Average Life Span Is A Mere Five To Fourteen Days.

Now We Have Hands-free Phones, So You Can Focus On The Thing You're Really Supposed To Be Doing. Chances Are, If You Need Both Of Your Hands To Do Something, Your Brain Should Be In On It Too.

I'm Sure Men Have Their Own Ways Of Trying To Demean One Another, But Women Can Be Very Gossipy And Judgmental, And That Doesn't Help.

I Personally Chose To Go Vegan Because I Educated Myself On Factory Farming And Cruelty To Animals, And I Suddenly Realized That What Was On My Plate Were Living Things, With Feelings. And I Just Couldn't Disconnect Myself From It Any Longer. I Read Books Like 'diet For A New America' And Saw Documentaries Like 'earthlings' And 'meet Your Meat,' And It Became An Easy Choice For Me.

I'm Just Saying We Can All Work On Our Manners. We Can Say Please And Thank You. We Can Be Punctual. We Can Just Be Nicer To One Another. It's Something We Have In Our Power To Do. It Reminds Me Of That Margaret Mead Quote: "never Doubt That A Small Group Of Thoughtful, Committed Citizens Can Change The World. Indeed, It's The Only Thing That Ever Has.

True Beauty Is Not Related To What Color Your Hair Is Or What Color Your Eyes Are. True Beauty Is About Who You Are As A Human Being, Your Principles, Your Moral Compass.

I Get Bored Easily, So I Need To Do A Lot. I've Started A Record Label, So I Get To Nurture New Talent And Talk About Music, Which Is A Passion Of Mine. I've Written Another Book. And I Get To Come To Work And Do The Tv Show, Which Is Always Really Fun.

My Cat, Ethel, Is An Indoor Cat But Somehow She's Sneakin' Out At Night. 'cause The Other Morning I Found A Stamp On Her Paw... I Wouldn't Have Noticed Myself, But I Just Bought This New Black Light And She Passed Right Under It And I Said, 'hey, What's That On You Paw?

I Think There's A Whole Bunch Of Things That Go Along With Being A Girl. You're Not Supposed To Have Opinions Or Be Tough Or Strong. You're Supposed To Be Soft And Vulnerable, And I Find Those Qualities Important In Both Men And Women.

Nothing Says Holidays, Like A Cheese Log.

I Don't Want To Take A Pill. Go To Africa, Go Follow Some Bushman Around. He's Being Chased By A Lion. That's Stress. You're Not Going To Find A Pygmy On Paxil, I'll Tell You That Right Now.

Portia And I Have Been Married For 4 Years And They Have Been The Happiest Of My Life. And In Those 4 Years, I Don't Think We Hurt Anyone Else's Marriage. I Asked All Of My Neighbors And They Say They're Fine

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Really, He Called Me That? Ellen Degenerate? I've Been Getting That Since Fourth Grade. I Guess I'm Happy I Could Give Him Work.

Procrastination Isn't The Problem. It's The Solution. It's The Universe's Way Of Saying Stop, Slow Down, You Move Too Fast.

Procrastination

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It's A Lot Of Work To Put A Brand-new Monologue And A Brand-new Show On The Air And Find Comedy Every Single Day. It's Challenging And It's The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done, But It's The Best-suited Thing For Me. The More Relaxed I Get And The More Confident I Feel, The More I Get To Play And Be Myself...

You Know That Song That Asks, "why Do Fools Fall In Love?"? I Think The Obvious Answer Is Because They're Fools.

Falling In Love

It Always Helps To Think About Other People Instead Of Ourselves.

There's No One Way To Dance. And That's Kind Of My Philosophy About Everything.

I Collect Old Portraits. They're All Just Interesting Pictures Of People, And You Just Kind Of Wonder Who They Were And What They Were. There's A Guy - I Don't Know Who He Is, But He's Wearing A Suit. He's Got His Arms Folded, And He Looks Like He Sold Insurance Or Something. I'm Just Wondering Why Someone Painted Him.

So, I Bought A New Cd And I Was Trying To Get It Open But Couldn't With All The Layers... I Mean Plastic And Then Tape, And The Tape Is Like Government Tape. It Says 'open Here.' Is That Sarcasm?

I Get To Do Stand-up Every Single Day. I Love That Live Energy Exchange Between The Audience And Myself, And To Get To Say The Things I Want To Say And Comment On.

If We're Destroying Our Trees And Destroying Our Environment And Hurting Animals And Hurting One Another And All That Stuff, There's Got To Be A Very Powerful Energy To Fight That. I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

For Some Reason, We Can't Just Enjoy Somebody Else's Success. Somehow, That's Going To Affect Us. If They Have More, Then I Have Less - And I Don't Know Why.

People Are Constantly Asking Portia And Me If We Are Going To Have Children. We Thought About It. We Love To Be Around Children After They've Been Fed And Bathed. But We Ultimately Decided That We Don't Want Children Of Our Own. There Is Far Too Much Glass In Our House.

The Problem With Labels Is That They Lead To Stereotypes And Stereotypes Lead To Generalizations And Generalizations Lead To Assumptions And Assumptions Lead Back To Stereotypes. It’s A Vicious Cycle, And After You Go Around And Around A Bunch Of Times You End Up Believing That All Vegans Only Eat Cabbage And All Gay People Love Musicals.

So Excited For The Apple Watch. For Centuries, We've Checked The Time By Looking At Our Phones. Having It On Your Wrist? Genius.

If There Weren't Blacks, Jews And Gays, There Would No Oscars. Or Anyone Named Oscar, If You Think About That.

There Are People Who Study Germs. I Believe They Are Called Germans

I Just Feel Like Every Kid Is Growing Up Too Fast And They're Seeing Too Much. Everything Is About Sex, And That's Fine For Me. I'm Not Saying I Don't Like It. But I Don't Think It Should Be Everywhere, Where Kids Are Exposed To Everything Sexual. Because They Have To Have Some Innocence; There's Just No Innocence Left.

Trying To Get The Talk Show, Looking Back On It, We Had To Beg A Lot Of Station Managers To Pick Up The Show Because People Thought No One Would Watch It Because I'm Openly Gay.

I Don't Know Who Had The Bright Idea Of Teaching Pneumonia How To Walk, But I'd Like To Find That Dunderhead Before He Decides He Wants To Teach It How To Drive.

When People Show Me Clothing That Seems Very, Very Feminine, It's Hard For Me To Embrace That, Because It Just Doesn't Feel Like Me.

I Didn't Go To College At All, Any College, And I'm Not Saying You Wasted Your Time Or Money, But Look At Me, I'm A Huge Celebrity.

It Must Be Around Forty, When You're "over The Hill." I Don't Even Know What That Means And Why It's A Bad Thing. When I Go Hiking And I Get Over The Hill, That Means I'm Past The Hard Part And There's A Snack In My Future. That's A Good Thing As Far As I'm Concerned.

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I'm Not An Activist; I Don't Look For Controversy. I'm Not A Political Person, But I'm A Person With Compassion. I Care Passionately About Equal Rights. I Care About Human Rights. I Care About Animal Rights.

Never Follow Anyone Else's Path, Unless You're In The Woods And You're Lost.

Funny Inspirational

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It Would Be Horrible To Live With Someone Who Didn't Like The Same Things You Like.

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If We Don’t Want To Define Ourselves By Things As Superficial As Our Appearances, We’re Stuck With The Revolting Alternative Of Being Judged By Our Actions.

Who's To Say What's Better Or Worse Anyway? Who's To Even Say What's Normal Or Average? We're All Different People And We're Allowed To Be Different From On Another. If Someone Ever Says You're Weird, Say Thank You. And Then Curtsy. No, Don't Curtsy. That Might Be Too Weird. Bow. And Tip Your Imaginary Hate. That'll Show Them.

When I Decided To Have My Character On The Show Come Out, I Knew I Was Going To Have To Come Out, Too. I Never Wanted To Be The Lesbian Actress. I Never Wanted To Be The Spokesperson For The Gay Community. Ever. I Did It For My Own Truth.

I Get Home At The End Of The Day And I Don't Want To Talk. All I Want To Do Is Lay On The Floor And Pet My Dogs And My Cats.

What Did The Letter O Say To Q? Dude, Your Dikk Is Hanging Out.

You Have To Have Funny Faces And Words, You Can't Just Have Words. It Is A Powerful Thing, And I Think That's Why It's Hard For People To Imagine That Women Can Do That, Be That Powerful.

Penguins Mate For Life. Which Doesn't Really Surprise Me, Because They All Look Exactly Alike. It's Not Like They're Gonna Meet A Better-looking Penguin Someday.

Have You Ever Heard Somebody Sing Some Lyrics That You've Never Sung Before, And You Realize You've Never Sung The Right Words In That Song? You Hear Them And All Of A Sudden You Say To Yourself, 'life In The Fast Lane?' That's What They're Saying Right There? You Think, 'why Have I Been Singing 'wipe In The Vaseline?' How Many People Have Heard Me Sing 'wipe In The Vaseline?' I Am An Idiot.

I Put A Basketball In Front Of George Clooney's Door And Sprayed It With Supermodel Perfume To Lure Him Out.

Something Big Happened Over The Weekend. Something That Affects Everybody, All Over The World. George Clooney Got Married.

You Know, It's Hard Work To Write A Book. I Can't Tell You How Many Times I Really Get Going On An Idea, Then My Quill Breaks. Or I Spill Ink All Over My Writing Tunic.

But Seriously, I Think Overall In The Scheme Of Things Winning An Emmy Is Not Important. Let's Get Our Priorities Straight. I Think We All Know What's Really Important In Life - Winning An Oscar.

You Know, If You're Going To Be Honest With Yourself, You Have To Admit That You Go Into Show Business Wanting People To Talk About You And Wanting Everyone To Know Who You Are. But That Also Means There Are Going To Be A Whole Bunch Of People Who Don't Like You. No Matter Who You Are. I'm Sure There's Somebody Out There Who Doesn't Like Betty White Because She's Short And Has White Hair.

Baloney Is Just Salami With An Inferiority Complex.

I Do It Because I Love Animals And I Saw The Reality. And I Just Couldn't Ignore It Anymore. I'm Healthier For It, I'm Happier For It. I Can't Imagine That If You're Putting Something In Your Body That Is Filled With Fear Or Anxiety Or Pain, That That Isn't Somehow Going To Be Inside Of You.

Answers To Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One Time In High School. Three Times In My Twenties. Rocks No Salt. Yes. Four. Never. And How Dare You! I Will Take No Further Questions.

I Don't Really Ever Live My Life In Fear. I Really Live My Life In Gratitude And Feeling Positive For The Most Part.

Why Is It That When You Wipe Up Dust Its Called Dusting But When You Wipe Up A Spill Its Not Called Spilling? Just Something To Think About.

Find Out Who You Are And Be That Person. That's What Your Soul Was Put On This Earth To Be. Find That Truth, Live That Truth And Everything Else Will Come.

I Wonder What Will Happen If I Put A Hand Cream On My Feet, Will They Get Confused And Start Clapping?

You Know, Radio Dj's Must Really Love To Talk To Theirselves. Especially When They Have The Graveyard Shift. 'hey This Is Ellen With 89.1. It Is Currently Three In The Morning. There Are Few Cars On The Road. And It Your Still Listening Heres A Little Music To Get You To Dance.

What Would Bug The Taliban More Than Seeing A Gay Woman In A Suit Surrounded By Jews?

We Put The Wrong Emphasis On What Beauty Is And What Health Is. Health Is Being Vibrant And Having Energy And Being Happy.

Our Attention Span Is Shot. We've All Got Attention Deficit Disorder Or Add Or Ocd Or One Of These Disorders With Three Letters Because We Don't Have The Time Or Patience To Pronounce The Entire Disorder. That Should Be A Disorder Right There, Tbd - Too Busy Disorder.

Why Can't Rappers Just Say Nice Things? Like I Wanna Take Your Clothes Off And Hang Them Up In The Closet Real Nice.

If You Want To Test Cosmetics, Why Do It On Some Poor Animal Who Hasn't Done Anything? They Should Use Prisoners Who Have Been Convicted Of Murder Or Rape Instead. So, Rather Than Seeing If Perfume Irritates A Bunny Rabbit's Eyes, They Should Throw It In Charles Manson's Eyes And Ask Him If It Hurts.

When There's Time For Whistling, There's A Lot Of Time On A Show.

For Me, It's That I Contributed, ... That I'm On This Planet Doing Some Good And Making People Happy. That's To Me The Most Important Thing, That My Hour Of Television Is Positive And Upbeat And An Antidote For All The Negative Stuff Going On In Life.

For Someone Like Me, Who Loves To Sweat And Push Herself, It's A Challenge To Slow Down, To Sit, To Breathe And Hold Poses.

Be Kind To One Another. Bye, Bye.

When Your Heart Is Broken, When Your Heart Has Cracks In It, It Lets The Light In.

There Would Be Nothing To Get Me To Run For President. I Don't Even Understand How Anyone Would Want That Job At All. Although I Would Be Able To Play Golf Which I Don't Seem To Have Time Now.

Do Things That Make You Happy Within The Confines Of The Legal System.

It's Our Challenges And Obstacles That Give Us Layers Of Depth And Make Us Interesting.

I Used To Beat Myself Up About Weight And Working Out, And No Matter What I Did I Never Felt Good About Myself. I Decided To Accept Myself And Know That I Am Good.

I Think Beauty Comes From Actually Knowing Who You Are. That's Real Beauty To Me.

Knowing Who You Are

I'm Glad I'm Funny. I'm Glad I Make People Happy, Because That's Very Important. But I'm Proud To Be Known As A Kind Person.

Human Beings Only Use Ten Percent Of Their Brains. Ten Percent! Can You Imagine How Much We Could Accomplish If We Used The Other Sixty Percent?

We All Feel Like Idiots At One Time Or Another. Even If We Feel We're Cool 98 Percent Of The Time, That 2-percent Doofus Is Poised To Take Over Our Bodies Without Any Warning.

That Woman In The Shampoo Commercial - She's Happy. She's... She's Too Happy.

When The Message Out There Is So Horrible That, To Be Gay, You Can Get Killed For It... We Need To Change The Message!!

Above All, I Strive To Be The Best I Can - To Be Better Than I Was Yesterday And Better Tomorrow.

Do You Feel Insecure Because You Keep Getting The Nagging Feeling That You're Not That Smart? Well, I've Got Good News For You, My Friend. You Have No Need To Be Insecure. That Nagging Feeling Is Absolutely Right On Target. You Are Not That Smart. But I Have More Good News For You. You Are Also Not Alone.

You Just Have To Keep Driving Down The Road. It's Going To Bend And Curve And You'll Speed Up And Slow Down, But The Road Keeps Going.

Driving Down The Road

Sometimes You Can't See Yourself Clearly Until You See Yourself Through The Eyes Of Others.

I Know That Experts Say You're More Likely To Get Hurt Crossing The Street Than You Are Flying, But That Doesn't Make Me Any Less Frightened Of Flying. If Anything, It Makes Me More Afraid Of Crossing The Street.

The Good Psychic Would Pick Up The Phone Before It Rang. Of Course It Is Possible There Was Noone On The Other Line. Once She Said "god Bless You" I Said, "i Didn't Sneeze" She Looked Deep Into My Eyes And Said, "you Will, Eventually." And Damn It If She Wasn't Right. Two Days Later I Sneezed.

My Name Is Ellen And I'm A Vegetarian. Just To Add Another Label To Me: I Am A Lesbian, Aquarian And Vegetarian. I've Said It.

I Feel Like I Have A Hangover, Without All The Happy Memories And Mystery Bruises.

Now,i'm No Scientist,but I Know What Endorphins Are. They're Tiny Little Magical Elves That Swim Through Your Blood Stream And Tell Funny Jokes To Each Other. When They Reach Your Brain,you Hear What They're Saying And That Boosts Your Health And Happiness. "knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little Endorphin... Little Endorphin Who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And Then The Endorphins Laugh And Then You Laugh. See? Its Science.

I Have A Great Career, And I Have Wonderful Fans Who Really Are Supportive And Loyal - Because I'm Not Hiding Anything From Them.

My Grandmother Started Walking Five Miles A Day When She Was Sixty. She's Ninety-seven Now, And We Don't Know Where The Hell She Is.

Standup Is More Me Talking The Entire Time. There's Definitely An Exchange Of Energy Because That Room, That Audience, Is Giving Back.

Beauty Isn’t Between A Size Zero And A Size Eight, It Is Not A Number At All. It Is Not Physical.

Faith Is Part Of Who I Am, Yes. I Was Raised Christian Scientist. The Most Important Thing I Saw Every Single Week On The Wall At Sunday School Was The Golden Rule: "do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You."

I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See The Humor In A Lot Of Things. I Am Also Sad A Lot. I Cry Often And Easily. I Think You're Supposed To Feel All Kinds Of Things. You're Supposed To Laugh, You're Supposed To Cry, You're Not Supposed To Shove Your Feelings Under The Rug.

I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See The Humor In A Lot Of Things. I Am Also Sad A Lot. I Cry Often And Easily. I Think You're Supposed To Feel All Kinds Of Things.

I Don't Understand The Sizes Anymore. There's A Size Zero, Which I Didn't Even Know That They Had. It Must Stand For: 'ohhh My God, You're Thin.'

The Way I See It... If You Need Both Of Your Hands For Whatever It Is You're Doing, Then Your Brain Should Probably Be In On It Too.

The Thing Everyone Should Realize Is That The Key To Happiness Is Being Happy For Yourself And Yourself.

Key To Happiness

I'm So Unfamiliar With The Gym, I Call It James!

I Like Being Busy And Juggling A Lot Of Things At The Same Time. I Get Bored Easily, So I Need To Do A Lot.

When I Look Back On The Stuff I Used To Wear, I Wonder Why Somebody Didn't Try To Stop Me. Just A Friendly Warning, "you May Regret This," Would Have Been Fine.

All Of My Friends Were Seeing A Therapist, And I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me That I Didn't See A Therapist. So I Went To A Therapist To Find Out Why I Wasn't Seeing A Therapist. And It Turns Out I'm Very Screwed Up. Thank God I Found A Therapist To Tell Me For $125 An Hour.

I Always Worry When Someone's A Good Golfer. It's Like You Shouldn't Have Time To Be Good At Anything. You Should Just Be A Politician And You Shouldn't Have Time To Practice Golf.

All We Have Is Here And Now. That's Why Procrastination Feels So Right. Procrastination Isn't The Problem, It's The Solution.

Procrastination

I Hope I Make People Feel Better. I Hope I Take People Out Of Their Situations A Little Bit And Make Them Happier. That's Really Why I Do What I Do.

Haiku Sounds Like I'm Saying Hi To Someone Named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

No One Is Perfect, Except For Penélope Cruz.

We Stock Up On Popcorn And Candy Like We're Crossing The Sierras, Don't We? I'll Have A Couple Of Soft Pretzels, A Hot Dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is That The Largest Popcorn You've Got There, That Bucket? You Don't Have A Barrel Or Anything Like That? Do You Have A Donkey Or A Pack Mule Or Anything? - Oh, And A Diet Coke.

Do You Live Each Day As If It's Your First Or Your Last? Either Way You Should Probably Have A Diaper On.

While I Was Doing Stand-up, I Thought I Knew For Sure That Success Meant Getting Everyone To Like Me. So I Became Whoever I Thought People Wanted Me To Be. I'd Say Yes When I Wanted To Say No, And I Even Wore A Few Dresses.

I Get Those Fleeting, Beautiful Moments Of Inner Peace And Stillness - And Then The Other 23 Hours And 45 Minutes Of The Day, I'm A Human Trying To Make It Through In This World.

No, We Can't Be Friends. You're My Mom. You're What I Talk To My Friends About.

I Get My Dance Moves From Just Moving Around And Listening To Music And Not Really Worrying About If It's Perfect Or Not.

Emote. It's Okay. It Shows You Are Thinking And Feeling.

I Think Furniture Is Art. I Don't Think Art Is Just For Your Walls - I Think Everything That Someone Has Made Is A Piece Of Art.

I Don't Consider Myself An Interviewer As Much As An Entertainer.

Never Follow Anyone Else’s Path, Unless You’re In The Woods And You’re Lost And You See A Path And By All Means You Should Follow That. Don’t Give Advice, It Will Come Back And Bite You In The Ass. Don’t Take Anyone’s Advice. So My Advice To You Is To Be True To Yourself And Everything Will Be Fine.

Be True To Yourself

True To Yourself

I'm Going To Be Kind, Because Then It All Just Kind Of Spreads, And The World Is A Little Nicer Out There.

I Had A Really Tough Time For A Few Years. My Show Was Gone. My Phone Wasn't Ringing. There Wasn't One Job Offer. And At That Point, I Thought I Knew For Sure That I Wouldn't Work In Hollywood Again.

I Really Don't Think I Need Buns Of Steel. I'd Be Happy With Buns Of Cinnamon.

I'm Probably The Most Honest Person You'll Ever Meet - To A Fault, Like, I-will-hurt-your-feelings Honest. I'm Sure If I Lied About Anything, It Would Have Been Silly, But I Haven't Retained That Information.

A Circus! 100 Clowns Of Injustice Have Climbed Out Of The Tiny Clown Car Of This Court Room.

I Think I Let Go Of The Need For Approval. It Certainly Feels Good When You Get It, But I Used To Be More Desperate For It. Once I Felt Better Inside About Myself... I Could Do Everything Based On How I Want To Do Things.

When Life Gives You Lemons....they Could Really Be Oranges.

Life Gives You Lemons

What's New Orleans Without Music? And What's Music Without Dancing?

We're Told To Go On Living Our Lives As Usual, Because To Do Otherwise Is To Let The Terrorists Win, And Really, What Would Upset The Taliban More Than A Gay Woman Wearing A Suit In Front Of A Room Full Of Jews?

This Is My Real Secret To Being A Joyful Person: I Make My Life Easy. I Spend More Time Being Grateful For What I Have Instead Of Focusing On What Isn't Working. I No Longer Believe That People Have To Do Things My Way And That I Have To Be Perfect.

I Was Coming Home From Kindergarten - Well They Told Me It Was Kindergarten. I Found Out Later I Had Been Working In A Factory For Ten Years. It's Good For A Kid To Know How To Make Gloves.

Though You Feel You're Not Where You're Suppose To Be, You Shouldn't Worry Because That Next Turn That You Take, It Will Lead You To Where You Wanna Go.

Come On, If You Don't Win Tonight It Doesn't Mean You're Not A Good Person, It Just Means You're Not A Good Actor.

Quick Decision Makers Are Often Stuck Behind Annoying People In Line At Starbucks.

Things Will Get Easier, People's Minds Will Change, And You Should Be Alive To See It.

One Rough Patch Is Not The Big Picture.

You Can Always Tell When The Relationship Is Over. Little Things Start Getting On Your Nerves, 'would You Please Stop That! That Breathing In And Out, It's So Repetitious.'

Funny Relationship

Just Go Up To Somebody On The Street And Say 'you're It!' And Then Run Away.

Some People Believe That To Find Happiness, You Should Live Each Day Of Your Life As If It's Your Last Because That Way You Will Appreciate Every Single Moment You Have. Other People Believe That You Should Live Each Day As If It's Your First Because Then Every Day Can Be The Beginning Of A New Journey.

My Dog Of 17 Years Just Died. Oh You're Kidding?... Noooo... As Funny As That Is, I'm Not

There Is Something About Tm. It Is The Only Time I Have That Stillness... It Gives Me This Peaceful Feeling-i Just Love It So Much.

First Of All, I Don't Think They Have To Go That High. That Is Not Necessary, To Be That High In The Air. I Think They're Showing Off, Those Pilots. I Think We Could Just Go Really Fast Just A Few Feet Off The Ground. Just High Enough To Miss The Animals.

Being A Teenager And Figuring Out Who You Are Is Hard Enough Without Someone Attacking You.

Even Before I Knew I Was Gay, I Knew I Didn't Want To Have A Child. I Knew I Didn't Want To Have One. I Never Want To Have To Release It From Me. Listen, I Love Babies. I Love Children. And I Melt When I'm Around Them. I Also Love My Freedom And I Love That I Can Sleep At Night.

Start Thinking Positively. You Will Notice A Difference. Instead Of 'i Think I'm A Loser,' Try 'i Definitely Am A Loser.' Stop Being Wishy-washy About Things! How Much More Of A Loser Can You Be If You Don't Even Know You Are One? Either You Are A Loser Or You Are Not. Which Is It, Stupid?

Who Needs Sleep? I Laugh In The Face Of Sleep!

People Love Gossip. It's The Biggest Thing That Keeps The Entertainment Industry Going.

In The 80's We Had High, High, Waisted Pants, That If They Came Up Any Higher They'd Have To Go Up Another Size, If You Know What I Mean.

Stuffed Deer Heads On Walls Are Bad Enough, But It’s Worse When You See Them Wearing Dark Glasses, Having Streamers Around Their Necks And A Hat On Their Antlers. Because Then You Know They Were Enjoying Themselves At A Party When They Were Shot.

I Enjoy Growing Older And Wiser And Learning From My Mistakes Every Single Day.

It's Our Challenges And Obstacles That Give Us Layers Of Depth And Make Us Interesting. Are They Fun When They Happen? No. But They Are What Make Us Unique.

Laugh. Laugh As Much As You Can. Laugh Until You Cry. Cry Until You Laugh. Keep Doing It Even If People Are Passing You On The Street Saying, "i Can't Tell If That Person Is Laughing Or Crying, But Either Way They Seem Crazy, Let's Walk Faster." Emote. It's Okay. It Shows You Are Thinking And Feeling.

I Would Love For The World To Be Happier.

I'm A Fan Of People Getting Together.

There's Nothing I Know For Sure, Because I Know For Sure That Things Change.

Above All Things Physical, It Is More Important To Be Beautiful On The Inside - To Have A Big Hear And An Open Mind And A Spectacular Spleen.

I Had Done A Sitcom And A Movie And Hosted The Emmys, And All Of A Sudden, I Lost Everything. As Someone Put It At The Time, I Was Suddenly Like A Ferrari In Neutral.

Lost Everything

Most People Don't Get To Laugh, Be Free, Dance, Be Surrounded By This Energy. It's Important To Remind People To Take That Home. I Want The World To Start Shifting [to] A More Positive Energy.

Here's The Analogy. If My Body Were A Car, I'd Be Thinking About Trading It In Around Now. I Would Like To Upgrade. I Would Be Actually On The Lot Somewhere And Some Guy With A Loud Sports Jacket Would Be Sizing Me Up...kinda Lookin' Around Goin--maybe Kickin My Knees. Looking Behind Me Going: That Looks A Little Bashed In Back There...yeah. You Mind If I Check Under The Hood?" 'well Yes I Do! Thank You Very Much.

I Think They Should Have A Barbie With A Buzz Cut.

I Learned Compassion From Being Discriminated Against. Everything Bad That's Ever Happened To Me Has Taught Me Compassion.

...we Should Be Grateful For Them Because Without Our Family—the Ancestors We Descend From, The Cousins We See Once A Year, The Loves Our Lives We See Every Day—life Is Pretty Boring.

If We Lose Our Phones, We Lose Our Phone Books. You Don't Memorize Numbers Anymore.

I Just Like Observing People - It's Something I've Done Ever Since I Was A Kid, And I Got Really Good At It. That's A Big Part Of Why I Became A Comedian. My Audience Is Filled With Every Kind Of Person You Can Imagine, And I Love That.

So Many People Prefer To Live In Drama Because It's Comfortable. It's Like Someone Staying In A Bad Marriage Or Relationship - It's Actually Easier To Stay Because They Know What To Expect Every Day, Versus Leaving And Not Knowing What To Expect.

If You're In A Position Where You Can Help Other People, There Is Nothing Better In Life Than Helping Other People. Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

Happy Thanksgiving

Here Are The Values That I Stand For: Honesty, Equality, Kindness, Compassion, Treating People The Way You Want To Be Treated And Helping Those In Need. To Me, Those Are Traditional Values.

You Know How You Always Expect Someone To Think The Same As You And Then Your Like, Really Shocked When They Don't? Like When It's A Cold Day And You Turn To The Person Next To You And Say, 'its So Cold, Aren't You Cold?' And Then They Say 'no.' It's Kinda Like, 'what, Are You A Communist?'

I Care Passionately About Equal Rights [and] Animal Rights.

You Know Me. Any Excuse To Put On A Dress.

[airline Food] Is The Tiniest Food I've Ever Seen In My Entire Life. Any Kind Of Meat That You Get - Chicken, Steak, Anything - Has Grill Marks On Each Side, Like Somehow We'll Actually Believe There's An Open-flame Grill In The Front Of The Plane.

I Cannot Imagine Not Going Home To Animals. They Are The Closest Thing To God. They Don't Harbour Resentment.

I've Got A Lot To Say About Television. There's A Lot Going On In Television Right Now And I Feel Like A Huge Part Of Television.

There Are People Out There Hiding All Kinds Of Things. People Who Have All This Success And All This Fame And All This Money, And Yet There Are Secrets That They Think If We Found Out About, It Would Be Over For Them. And It's A Horrible Way To Live Whether You're Famous Or Not.

And The Bottom Line Is We Are Who We Are-we Look A Certain Way, We Talk A Certain Way, We Walk A Certain Way. I Strut Because I’m A Supermodel, And Sometimes I Gallop For Fun. When We Learn To Accept That, Other People Learn To Accept Us. So Be Who You Really Are. Embrace Who You Are. Literally. Hug Yourself. Accept Who You Are. Unless You’re A Serial Killer.

In The Beginning There Was Nothing. God Said, 'let There Be Light!' And There Was Light. There Was Still Nothing, But You Could See It A Whole Lot Better.

Honestly, We'd Probably Be Great Parents. But It's A Human Being, And Unless You Think You Have Excellent Skills And Have A Drive Or Yearning In You To Do That, The Amount Of Work That That Is And Responsibility - I Wouldn't Want To Screw Them Up! We Love Our Animals.

I Like To Try New Things Because I Get Bored So Easily.

Save A Life This Thanksgiving, And Join Me In Starting A New Tradition By Adopting A Turkey Instead Of Eating One Through Farm Sanctuary's Adopt-a-turkey Project.

It's Nice When People Love You....for You.

If Someone Ever Says You’re Weird, Say Thank You.

Saying Thank You

I Wanted To Have Money; I Wanted To Be Special; I Wanted People To Like Me; I Wanted To Be Famous.

Asking Who's The 'man' And Who's The 'woman' In A Same-sex Relationship Is Like Asking Which Chopstick Is The Fork.

I Think What Saved Me Is Me Being Honest. I Think I Somewhow Had The Courage To Do Something And Say Something That I Knew Would Possibly End My Career. Instead Of Making Business More Important I Made My Soul And My Life More Important. And I Think By Being Truthful, And Being Honest, That Saved Me.

I Still Get Scared At Night. Every Tiny Creak, Every Little Noise, I Open My Eyes Real Wide And Listen With Them. Have You Noticed That? When It’s Dark And You Can’t See A Thing, You Open Your Eyes Really Wide And Glance Back And Force, Like Your Eyes Become Your Ears?

The Legend Goes That St. Patrick Drove The Snakes Out Of Ireland. I Was Thinking... That Must Be Hard To Put All The Tiny Seatbelts On All The Snakes.

I'm Sure There's Somebody Out There Who Doesn't Like Betty White Because She's Short And Has White Hair.

I Am Saddened By How People Treat One Another And How We Are So Shut Off From One Another And How We Judge One Another, When The Truth Is, We Are All One Connected Thing. We Are All From The Same Exact Molecules.

Sometimes When I Am Driving I Get So Angry At Inconsiderate Drivers That I Want To Scream At Them. But Then I Remember How Insignificant That Is, And I Thank God That I Have A Car And My Health And Gas. That Was Phrased Wrong-normally You Wouldn't Say, Thank God I Have Gas.

It Makes A Big Difference In Your Life When You Stay Positive.

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