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I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See The Humor In A Lot Of Things. I Am Also Sad A Lot. I Cry Often And Easily. I Think You're Supposed To Feel All Kinds Of Things.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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I'm A Comedian, And

Ellen DeGeneres

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I'm A Comedian, And I Definitely See The Humor In A Lot Of Things. I Am Also Sad A Lot. I Cry Often And Easily. I Think You're Supposed To Feel All Kinds Of Things.

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Golden Eagles Have An Interesting Way Of Mating, Where They Connect In The Air While Flying At Eighty Miles An Hour And Then They Start Dropping And They Don't Stop Dropping Until The Act Is Completed. So It's Not Uncommon That They Both Fall All The Way To The Ground, Hit The Ground And Both Of Them Die. That's How Committed They Are To This. I Thought To Myself, 'boy, Don't We Feel Like Wimps For Stopping To Answer The Phone.' I Don't Know About You, But If I'm One Of These Two Birds, You're Getting Close To The Ground... I Would Serioulsy Consider Fakin' It.

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I Watch People's Behavior And Notice Things. I Think That's Why I Became A Comedian. I Notice How Stupid The Things We Do Are.

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I'm Probably The Most Honest Person You'll Ever Meet - To A Fault, Like, I-will-hurt-your-feelings Honest. I'm Sure If I Lied About Anything, It Would Have Been Silly, But I Haven't Retained That Information.

I Hope I Make People Feel Better. I Hope I Take People Out Of Their Situations A Little Bit And Make Them Happier. That's Really Why I Do What I Do.

Friends Will Write Me Letters. They Run Out Of Room On The Front Of The Letter. They Write 'over' On The Bottom Of The Letter. Like I'm That Much Of A Moron. Like I Need That There. Because If It Wasn't There, I'd Get To The Bottom Of The Page: 'and So Kathy And I Went Shopping And We--' That's The Craziest Thing! I Don't Know Why She Would Just End It That Way.

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What Would Bug The Taliban More Than Seeing A Gay Woman In A Suit Surrounded By Jews?

...to Be Honest, I'd Be The Last Person Who Should Be Doling Out Gardeinng Advice. I Don't Have The Patience For Growing Things. Yes, I Realize There's Nothing Quite As Satisfying As Eating Food That You've Pulled Up From The Ground And That's Why, At The Height Of The Planting Season, I Bury Cans Of Tomato Soup In My Backyard And Dig Them Up In Late Spring.

I Always Worry When Someone's A Good Golfer. It's Like You Shouldn't Have Time To Be Good At Anything. You Should Just Be A Politician And You Shouldn't Have Time To Practice Golf.

You Talk To Some People Who Are Opposed To Same Sex Marriage, And They'll Say, 'if We Allow That, What's Next? Will People Want To Marry Animals?'...you Have To Wonder About People Who Go Straight To That Idea --- And They Think We're Weird!

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I Prefer To Believe That People Are Good And Honest And Respect Me Enough To Tell Me The Truth. It's Not Easy To Find Those People All The Time, But They're Out There.

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Trying To Get The Talk Show, Looking Back On It, We Had To Beg A Lot Of Station Managers To Pick Up The Show Because People Thought No One Would Watch It Because I'm Openly Gay.

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Why Can't Rappers Just Say Nice Things? Like I Wanna Take Your Clothes Off And Hang Them Up In The Closet Real Nice.

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I Believe One Day A 'ban On Gay Marriage' Will Sound Totally Ridiculous. In The Meantime, I Will Continue To Speak Out For Equality For All Of Us.

I Gotta Work Out. I Keep Saying It All The Time. I Keep Saying I Gotta Start Working Out. Its Been About Two Months Since I've Worked Out. And I Just Don't Have The Time. Which Uh..is Odd. Because I Have The Time To Go Out To Dinner. And Uh..and Watch Tv. And Get A Bone Density Test. And Uh.. Try To Figure Out What My Phone Number Spells In Words.

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I Don't Pay Attention To The Number Of Birthdays. It's Weird When I Say I'm 53. It Just Is Crazy That I'm 53. I Think I'm Very Immature. I Feel Like A Kid. That's Why My Back Goes Out All The Time, Because I Completely Forget I Can't Do Certain Things Anymore - Like Doing The Plank For 10 Minutes.

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I Like Being Busy And Juggling A Lot Of Things At The Same Time. I Get Bored Easily, So I Need To Do A Lot.

When You Take Risks You Learn That There Will Be Times When You Succeed And There Will Be Times When You Fail, And Both Are Equally Important. It's Hard To Understand Failure When You're Going Through It, But In The Grand Scheme Of Things It's Good To Fall Down - Not Because You're Drunk And Not Near Stairs.

I'm Going To Be Kind, Because Then It All Just Kind Of Spreads, And The World Is A Little Nicer Out There.

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I Don't Really Ever Live My Life In Fear. I Really Live My Life In Gratitude And Feeling Positive For The Most Part.

Honestly, We'd Probably Be Great Parents. But It's A Human Being, And Unless You Think You Have Excellent Skills And Have A Drive Or Yearning In You To Do That, The Amount Of Work That That Is And Responsibility - I Wouldn't Want To Screw Them Up! We Love Our Animals.

I Put A Basketball In Front Of George Clooney's Door And Sprayed It With Supermodel Perfume To Lure Him Out.

I Think People Need To Laugh Everyday. Whether The Economy Is Good Or Bad, I Think The Most Important Thing Is To Laugh And To Feel Positive, If You Are Laughing At Something Positive. But If You Are Laughing At Mean Jokes Then It's A Wash.

I Was Coming Home From Kindergarten - Well They Told Me It Was Kindergarten. I Found Out Later I Had Been Working In A Factory For Ten Years. It's Good For A Kid To Know How To Make Gloves.

There Would Be Nothing To Get Me To Run For President. I Don't Even Understand How Anyone Would Want That Job At All. Although I Would Be Able To Play Golf Which I Don't Seem To Have Time Now.

My Dog Of 17 Years Just Died. Oh You're Kidding?... Noooo... As Funny As That Is, I'm Not

I'm A Godmother, That's A Great Thing To Be, A Godmother. She Calls Me God For Short, That's Cute, I Taught Her That.

I'm Glad I'm Funny. I'm Glad I Make People Happy, Because That's Very Important. But I'm Proud To Be Known As A Kind Person.

When I Look Back On The Stuff I Used To Wear, I Wonder Why Somebody Didn't Try To Stop Me. Just A Friendly Warning, "you May Regret This," Would Have Been Fine.

You Know, If You're Going To Be Honest With Yourself, You Have To Admit That You Go Into Show Business Wanting People To Talk About You And Wanting Everyone To Know Who You Are. But That Also Means There Are Going To Be A Whole Bunch Of People Who Don't Like You. No Matter Who You Are. I'm Sure There's Somebody Out There Who Doesn't Like Betty White Because She's Short And Has White Hair.

The Word "yoga" Literally Means "uniting", Because When You're Doing It You Are Uniting Your Mind And Your Body. You Can Tell This Almost Immediately Because Your Mind Will Be Thinking, "ouch, That Hurts," And Your Body Will Say, "i Know." And Your Mind Will Think, "you Have To Get Out Of This Position." And Your Body Will Say, "i Agree With You, But I Can't Right Now. I Think I'm Stuck.

Catch-and-release, That's Like Running Down Pedestrians In Your Car And Then, When They Get Up And Limp Away, Saying -- 'off You Go! That's Fine. I Just Wanted To See If I Could Hit You.'

So Be Who You Really Are. Embrace Who You Are. Literally. Hug Yourself. Accept Who You Are. Unless You're A Serial Killer.

You Know, Radio Dj's Must Really Love To Talk To Theirselves. Especially When They Have The Graveyard Shift. 'hey This Is Ellen With 89.1. It Is Currently Three In The Morning. There Are Few Cars On The Road. And It Your Still Listening Heres A Little Music To Get You To Dance.

My Cat, Ethel, Is An Indoor Cat But Somehow She's Sneakin' Out At Night. 'cause The Other Morning I Found A Stamp On Her Paw... I Wouldn't Have Noticed Myself, But I Just Bought This New Black Light And She Passed Right Under It And I Said, 'hey, What's That On You Paw?

Life Is About Balance. The Good And The Bad. The Highs And The Lows. The Thing Everyone Should Realize Is That The Key To Happiness Is Being Happy By Yourself And For Yourself. Happiness Comes From Within. You Have The Power To Change Your Own Mindset So That All The Negative, Horrible Thoughts That Try To Invade Your Psyche Are Replaced With Happy, Positive, Wonderful Thoughts.

I Don't Consider Myself An Interviewer As Much As An Entertainer.

I Had Everything I'd Hoped For, But I Wasn't Being Myself. So I Decided To Be Honest About Who I Was. It Was Strange: The People Who Loved Me For Being Funny Suddenly Didn't Like Me For Being... Me.

It Always Helps To Think About Other People Instead Of Ourselves.

There's No One Way To Dance. And That's Kind Of My Philosophy About Everything.

I Don't Understand The Sizes Anymore. There's A Size Zero, Which I Didn't Even Know That They Had. It Must Stand For: 'ohhh My God, You're Thin.'

There's Lotion For Your Face, For Your Hands, For Your Feet, For Your Body. Why? What Would Happen If You Put Hand Lotion On Your Feet? Would Your Feet Get Confused And Start Clapping? Each Kind Has Something Special In It - Aloe, Shea Butter, Coconut, Cocoa Butter, Vanilla, Lemon Extract. That's Not Lotion. That's One Ingredient Short Of A Bundt Cake.

The Only Thing That Scares Me More Than Space Aliens Is The Idea That There Aren't Any Space Aliens. We Can't Be The Best That Creation Has To Offer. I Pray We're Not All There Is. If So, We're In Big Trouble.

It's Such An Honor To Receive The Mark Twain Prize. To Get The Same Award That Has Been Given To People Like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey And Will Ferrell, It Really Makes Me Wonder… Why Didn't I Get This Sooner?

If You Want To Test Cosmetics, Why Do It On Some Poor Animal Who Hasn't Done Anything? They Should Use Prisoners Who Have Been Convicted Of Murder Or Rape Instead. So, Rather Than Seeing If Perfume Irritates A Bunny Rabbit's Eyes, They Should Throw It In Charles Manson's Eyes And Ask Him If It Hurts.

My Grandmother Started Walking Five Miles A Day When She Was Sixty. She's Ninety-seven Now, And We Don't Know Where The Hell She Is.

Start Thinking Positively. You Will Notice A Difference. Instead Of 'i Think I'm A Loser,' Try 'i Definitely Am A Loser.' Stop Being Wishy-washy About Things! How Much More Of A Loser Can You Be If You Don't Even Know You Are One? Either You Are A Loser Or You Are Not. Which Is It, Stupid?

I Don't Know Who Had The Bright Idea Of Teaching Pneumonia How To Walk, But I'd Like To Find That Dunderhead Before He Decides He Wants To Teach It How To Drive.

Then You Have These People In The Movie Theaters That Talk The Whole Time During The Movie. You Ever Go With Somebody Like That To A Movie But You Don't Realize Until You Get There That You're With Somebody Like That? Brand New Movie. First Day It's Open. You're There Together And The Entire Time They're Sitting There: Where's She Going? Why'd He Do That? Is He Mad At Her? I Don't Know, Let's Watch And Find Out Together Shall We? You Know Who You Are. You're Denying It Right Now: I Do Not Do That. Why Is She Saying That?. What's She Gonna Say Next?

The Way I See It... If You Need Both Of Your Hands For Whatever It Is You're Doing, Then Your Brain Should Probably Be In On It Too.

I'm So Unfamiliar With The Gym, I Call It James!

That's What Life Is All About. There's A Lot Of Crying. So You'd Better Cry Now And Get Used To It.

Beauty Is Not Between A Size 0 And A Size 8. It's Not A Number At All.

Some People Believe That To Find Happiness, You Should Live Each Day Of Your Life As If It's Your Last Because That Way You Will Appreciate Every Single Moment You Have. Other People Believe That You Should Live Each Day As If It's Your First Because Then Every Day Can Be The Beginning Of A New Journey.

No Matter How Popular You Are As A Stand-up - You Can Go Out And Fill A 10,000-seat Arena And Be Smart And Funny - It's Delicate To Host An Awards Show And Know Where Your Place Is And Know That It's Not About You, That It's About The People Who Are Nominated, And Respect That, But At The Same Time Have Your Moment To Show Them Who You Are.

I Was Raised Around Heterosexuals, As All Heterosexuals Are. That's Where Us Gay People Come From - You Heterosexuals.

I Like Sitting At Outdoor Restaurants; It Would Be Nice To Go Someplace On The Street And Not Worry About Somebody Taking My Picture While I'm About To Take A Bite Of Something.

I Am Saddened By How People Treat One Another And How We Are So Shut Off From One Another And How We Judge One Another, When The Truth Is, We Are All One Connected Thing. We Are All From The Same Exact Molecules.

When Your Heart Is Broken, When Your Heart Has Cracks In It, It Lets The Light In.

What You Look Like On The Outside Is Not What Makes You Cool At All. I Mean, I Had A Mullet And Wore Parachute Pants For A Long, Long Time, And I'm Doin' Okay.

Designing Is My Hobby. If I Didn't Do What I Do For A Living - At Some Point When I Don't Do This For A Living - I'll Probably Just Do Design Work. I Love Finding Really Special Pieces Of Furniture.

I Would Love To Have The Same Rights As Everybody Else. I Would Love, I Don't Care If It's Called Marriage. I Don't Care If It's Called, You Know, Domestic Partnership. I Don't Care What It's Called.

I'm On The Patch Right Now. Where It Releases Small Dosages Of Approval Until I No Longer Crave It, And Then I'm Gonna Rip It Off.

I Had No Intention Of Becoming A Comedian. I Just Wanted To Make People Happy. I Tried Everything-i Shucked Oysters, I Painted Houses, I Sold Vacuum Cleaners. But There Was Always A Voice Saying, You Should Be Doing Something Different. And It Was Usually My Boss And I Was Being Fired.

The Most Important Thing In Your Life Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And To Not Give In To Peer Pressure To Try To Be Something That You're Not.

I'm Just Saying We Can All Work On Our Manners. We Can Say Please And Thank You. We Can Be Punctual. We Can Just Be Nicer To One Another. It's Something We Have In Our Power To Do. It Reminds Me Of That Margaret Mead Quote: "never Doubt That A Small Group Of Thoughtful, Committed Citizens Can Change The World. Indeed, It's The Only Thing That Ever Has.

When You Take Risks You Learn That There Will Be Times When You Succeed And There Will Be Times When You Fail, And Both Are Equally Important.

I Wanted To Have Money; I Wanted To Be Special; I Wanted People To Like Me; I Wanted To Be Famous.

I Appreciate Your Giving My Book -- And In No Small Way, Me -- A Chance. To Thank You, I Really Wanted To Acknowledge All Of You In The Book. Unfortunately, I Didn't Have Enough Room For Each Name. So I've Put In A Code Name That Stands For All Of You Reading This Book. The Name Is 'mom.' It Will Be Our Little Secret. So When You See 'mom' In The Acknowledgments, You'll Know I'm Really Talking About You. And Don't Let My Mother Try To Tell You Otherwise.

I Know That Every Time I List Something That I Am, I Am Potentially Alienating A Whole Group Of People. Publicists And Managers Will Encourage You Not To Say What Political Party You Belong To, What You Eat, What You Don't Eat, Who You Sleep With And All That Stuff.

When I Was Younger I Thought Success Was Something Different. I Thought, " When I Grow Up, I Want To Be Famous. I Want To Be A Star. I Want To Be In Movies. When I Grow Up I Want To See The World, Drive Nice Cars. I Want To Have Groupies." But My Idea Of Success Is Different Today. For Me, The Most Important Thing In Your Life Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And Not To Give Into Peer Pressure, To Try To Be Something That You're Not. To Live Your Life As An Honest And Compassionate Person. To Contribute In Some Way.

Sometimes When I Am Driving I Get So Angry At Inconsiderate Drivers That I Want To Scream At Them. But Then I Remember How Insignificant That Is, And I Thank God That I Have A Car And My Health And Gas. That Was Phrased Wrong-normally You Wouldn't Say, Thank God I Have Gas.

People Are Constantly Asking Portia And Me If We Are Going To Have Children. We Thought About It. We Love To Be Around Children After They've Been Fed And Bathed. But We Ultimately Decided That We Don't Want Children Of Our Own. There Is Far Too Much Glass In Our House.

When Life Gives You Lemons....they Could Really Be Oranges.

Life Gives You Lemons

When People Show Me Clothing That Seems Very, Very Feminine, It's Hard For Me To Embrace That, Because It Just Doesn't Feel Like Me.

I Enjoy Growing Older And Wiser And Learning From My Mistakes Every Single Day.

Now Airlines Charge For Everything... If The Oxygen Mask Drops, You Have To Swipe Your Credit Card To Start The Flow Of The Oxygen.

There Are “well-known Secrets” Out There And There Are People Who Are “so Happy They Could Die.” Sometimes People Are So Sad They Have To Laugh And Sometimes Things Feel So Wrong, They’re Right. Basically What I’m Saying Is, I Usually Don’t Know What People Are Talking About.

You Know, It's Hard Work To Write A Book. I Can't Tell You How Many Times I Really Get Going On An Idea, Then My Quill Breaks. Or I Spill Ink All Over My Writing Tunic.

My Name Is Ellen And I'm A Vegetarian. Just To Add Another Label To Me: I Am A Lesbian, Aquarian And Vegetarian. I've Said It.

When The Message Out There Is So Horrible That, To Be Gay, You Can Get Killed For It... We Need To Change The Message!!

The Only Thing I Really Recommend, If You're Starting Out In Stand-up Is To Not Try To Copy Anybody Else. You Can Be Influenced By People. I Was Influenced By Steve Martin And Bob Newhart And Woody Allen, But I Never Tried To Be Someone Else. I Always Tried To Be Myself. And The Reason People Are Successful Is They're Unique.

Usually, I Wear Tennis Shoes Because My Feet Are Flat, And It Hurts To Wear Anything Other Than Shoes That Are Cushiony.

Please Raise Your Children With Love And Non-judgement. Tell Them Everyone Has The Right To Love Who They Want To Love. It Shouldn’t Threaten You Or Who You Are.

We Put The Wrong Emphasis On What Beauty Is And What Health Is. Health Is Being Vibrant And Having Energy And Being Happy.

Portia And I Have Been Married For 4 Years And They Have Been The Happiest Of My Life. And In Those 4 Years, I Don't Think We Hurt Anyone Else's Marriage. I Asked All Of My Neighbors And They Say They're Fine

When There's Time For Whistling, There's A Lot Of Time On A Show.

We Have Two Dogs, Mabel And Wolf, And Three Cats At Home, Charlie, George And Chairman. We Have Two Cats On Our Farm, Tom And Little Sister, Two Horses, And Two Mini Horses, Hannah And Tricky. We Also Have Two Cows, Holy And Madonna. And Those Are Only The Animals We Let Sleep In Our Bed.

The World Is Full Of A Lot Of Fear And A Lot Of Negativity, And A Lot Of Judgment. I Just Think People Need To Start Shifting Into Joy And Happiness. As Corny As It Sounds, We Need To Make A Shift.

I Never See The Glass Half Empty Because I Drink Out The Bottle

We All Feel Like Idiots At One Time Or Another. Even If We Feel We're Cool 98 Percent Of The Time, That 2-percent Doofus Is Poised To Take Over Our Bodies Without Any Warning.

I Love Clothes, So When I Wear Clothes, They're Usually Somebody's. You Know, I'm Not Wearing Kmart.

Asking Who's The 'man' And Who's The 'woman' In A Same-sex Relationship Is Like Asking Which Chopstick Is The Fork.

I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

I've Learned 2 Things About Tv. It's Always Easier With Vodka & Some Of The Best Singers Are From The Philippines

We Can Sit And Worry About What's Going To Happen To Us Two Weeks From Now. I'd Rather Focus On The Amazing Things Happening Right In Front Of Us.

Find Out Who You Are And Figure Out What You Believe In. Even If It's Different From What Your Neighbors Believe In And Different From What Your Parents Believe In. Stay True To Yourself. Have Your Own Opinion. Don't Worry About What People Say About You Or Think About You. Let The Naysayers Nay. They Will Eventually Grow Tired Of Naying.

Here's The Analogy. If My Body Were A Car, I'd Be Thinking About Trading It In Around Now. I Would Like To Upgrade. I Would Be Actually On The Lot Somewhere And Some Guy With A Loud Sports Jacket Would Be Sizing Me Up...kinda Lookin' Around Goin--maybe Kickin My Knees. Looking Behind Me Going: That Looks A Little Bashed In Back There...yeah. You Mind If I Check Under The Hood?" 'well Yes I Do! Thank You Very Much.

I Have The Picture Of Barack [obama] And Me Dancing Right Outside Of My Dressing Room Door, I See It Every Single Day, And It Makes Me Very Happy.

I Wonder What Will Happen If I Put A Hand Cream On My Feet, Will They Get Confused And Start Clapping?

I Became Vegan Because I Saw Footage Of What Really Goes On In The Slaughterhouses And On The Dairy Farms.

The Definition Of Success Changes. Success Is To Live Your Life With Integrity And Not Give In To Peer Pressure To Be Something You're Not. Follow Your Passion, Stay True To Yourself, Never Follow Someone Else's Path; Unless You're In The Woods And You're Lost And You See A Path, Then By All Means, You Should Follow That.

It Feels Good. Kinda Like When You Have To Shut Your Computer Down, Just Sometimes When It Goes Crazy, You Just Shut It Down And When You Turn It On, It's Okay Again. That's What Meditation Is To Me.

Meditation Practice

I Had Done A Sitcom And A Movie And Hosted The Emmys, And All Of A Sudden, I Lost Everything. As Someone Put It At The Time, I Was Suddenly Like A Ferrari In Neutral.

Lost Everything

I Do Like Men And I Had, You Know, A Guy In High School That I Wanted To Marry Desperately. He's The Mayor Of Some Small Town In Texas. I Could Be The Mayor's Wife Right Now.

I Care Passionately About Equal Rights [and] Animal Rights.

I Still Get Scared At Night. Every Tiny Creak, Every Little Noise, I Open My Eyes Real Wide And Listen With Them. Have You Noticed That? When It’s Dark And You Can’t See A Thing, You Open Your Eyes Really Wide And Glance Back And Force, Like Your Eyes Become Your Ears?

I Personally Like Being Unique. I Like Being My Own Person With My Own Style And My Own Opinions And My Own Toothbrush.

...we Should Be Grateful For Them Because Without Our Family—the Ancestors We Descend From, The Cousins We See Once A Year, The Loves Our Lives We See Every Day—life Is Pretty Boring.

I Talked To Beyonce And She Wants To Learn How To Speak Arabic And She Wants To Jump Out Of An Airplane. I Don't Want To Do That. I Just Don't Want To Wash My Hair Every Day.

Who Needs Sleep? I Laugh In The Face Of Sleep!

I Think Gender Plays A Part In Most Things, But I Don't Know How It Would Be Different Because I've Never Been A Man. And My Fame Is Different From Nicole Kidman's Or Sharon Stone's. I Think Everybody's Fame Is Different.

I Get My Dance Moves From Just Moving Around And Listening To Music And Not Really Worrying About If It's Perfect Or Not.

Penguins Mate For Life. Which Doesn't Really Surprise Me, Because They All Look Exactly Alike. It's Not Like They're Gonna Meet A Better-looking Penguin Someday.

I Think People Talk Too Much Anyway. Sometimes People Are Talking To Me And In My Mind I'm Just Like “shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Upblah Blah Blah Blah Blaaaaah.

There's Nothing I Know For Sure, Because I Know For Sure That Things Change.

Answers To Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One Time In High School. Three Times In My Twenties. Rocks No Salt. Yes. Four. Never. And How Dare You! I Will Take No Further Questions.

Be Open To Learning New Lessons, Even If They Contradict The Lessons You Learned Yesterday.

Yeah I'm Thirty-six, But On The Show I'm Thirty-two. Nobody Wants To Watch A Thirty-six Year Old Woman, So They Decided To Make Me Thirty-two. Much More Appealing Somehow.

Do We Have To Know Who's Gay And Who's Straight? Can't We Just Love Everybody And Judge Them By The Car They Drive?

I've Moved About 10 Times Over The Past 15 Years. I Don't Move For The Sole Purpose Of Getting Rid Of Stuff. I'm Not Crazy. I Also Move So That I Never Have To Wash Any Windows.

People Give Me Such A Hard Time Because I Don't Wear Dresses. What's That Got To Do With Anything?

You Know That Song That Asks, "why Do Fools Fall In Love?"? I Think The Obvious Answer Is Because They're Fools.

Falling In Love

The Stand Up, Everything Was Accidental. I Never Grew Up And Was The Class Clown And Had To Get The Attention. It Was - It Really Is, I Have A Career Despite Myself.

My Life Is Perfect Even When It's Not.

If We Don’t Want To Define Ourselves By Things As Superficial As Our Appearances, We’re Stuck With The Revolting Alternative Of Being Judged By Our Actions.

I Was Raised That You Don't Use Something Nice Until There's Someplace To Go.

You Listen To Any Monologue On Late-night Tv Or Just In General, To People Talking, And There's Always A Joke At Someone's Expense. It's Sarcasm; It's Nasty. Kids Grow Up Hearing That, And They Think That's What Humor Is, And They Think It's Ok. But That Negativity Permeates The Entire Planet.

Life Is Short. If You Doubt Me, Ask A Butterfly. Their Average Life Span Is A Mere Five To Fourteen Days.

Procrastination Is Not The Problem. It Is The Solution. Procrastinate Now, Don’t Put It Off.

Procrastination

I Don't Think I Remember My First Memory.

I've Been Trying To Find Women Writers For My Staff For A While Now And I Have Three Women On My Staff And Three Guys So It's Pretty Equal. I Don't Know Why That Is. It's Been The Same Thing For A While. It's Hard For Female Comedians To Stand Out. That's Weird. That's A Shame.

All Of My Friends Were Seeing A Therapist, And I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me That I Didn't See A Therapist. So I Went To A Therapist To Find Out Why I Wasn't Seeing A Therapist. And It Turns Out I'm Very Screwed Up. Thank God I Found A Therapist To Tell Me For $125 An Hour.

All The Commercials On Tv Today Are For Antidepressants, For Prozac Or Paxil. And They Get You Right Away. "are You Sad? Do You Get Stressed, Do You Have Anxiety?" "yes, I Have All Those Things! I'm Alive!"

Even Before I Knew I Was Gay, I Knew I Didn't Want To Have A Child. I Knew I Didn't Want To Have One. I Never Want To Have To Release It From Me. Listen, I Love Babies. I Love Children. And I Melt When I'm Around Them. I Also Love My Freedom And I Love That I Can Sleep At Night.

Some Of The Most Devastating Things That Happen To You Will Teach You The Most

When I Decided To Have My Character On The Show Come Out, I Knew I Was Going To Have To Come Out, Too. I Never Wanted To Be The Lesbian Actress. I Never Wanted To Be The Spokesperson For The Gay Community. Ever. I Did It For My Own Truth.

If Anybody Could Put Themselves In That Situation Of Feeling A Giant Loud Voice Saying You Don't Deserve The Same Rights, You Are Different And You Are Not Equal, It Feels Really Bad.

I Look At Anything In Nature And How Things Work - The Stars, The Pyramids - And I Can't Imagine That There's Not Some Kind Of Design To It All. There's Got To Be Something Big That We Don't Understand. I Do Believe In Jesus. I Believe In Being Good To One Another. Life Is About Spending Our Time Here Contributing And Not Taking Away. That's My Faith.

Above All, I Strive To Be The Best I Can - To Be Better Than I Was Yesterday And Better Tomorrow.

My Hair Is Always At Its Best In New York. I Don't Know What's In The Water. It Could Be Mousse.

I Always Like Using Different Muscles, You Can Take That However You Want. But Doing Something Once A Year Is Fantastic, I Highly Recommended It If You Can Do It. It's A Wonderful Thing, It's Very Freeing And I Can Put A Lot Of Energy And Attention Onto It And It's Something I Love Doing.

My Dad Is Still Christian Scientist. My Mom's Not, And I'm Not. But I Believe In God, And That There's A Higher Power And An Intelligence That's Bigger Than Us And That We Can Rely On. It's Not Just Us, Thinking We Are The Ones In Control Of Everything. That Idea Gives Me Support.

We Focus So Much On Our Differences, And That Is Creating, I Think, A Lot Of Chaos And Negativity And Bullying In The World. And I Think If Everybody Focused On What We All Have In Common - Which Is - We All Want To Be Happy.

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