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I Was Obsessed With Being Popular When I Was In High School And Never Achieved It. There's Photos From Our High School Musicals And Things, And I'm Comically In The Deep Background, Wearing A Beggar's Costume.

-Mindy Kaling

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I Was Obsessed With

Mindy Kaling

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I Was Obsessed With Being Popular When I Was In High School And Never Achieved It. There's Photos From Our High School Musicals And Things, And I'm Comically In The Deep Background, Wearing A Beggar's Costume.

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I Want It To Feel Very Satisfying, The Ending, So You've Felt Like You Were Going On A Journey And We Were Trying To Lead You Somewhere. So Going Into That, It's Made It Extremely Funny But Also A Very Emotional Last Season Of The 'the Mindy Project' .

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Future Hipsters Will Love Me Ironically.

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I’m Adorable. I Look Like Keira Knightley Running Errands!

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I Cringe A Lot When I Look At My Early Talk-show Experiences.

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There’s A Whole List Of Things I Would Probably Change About Myself. For Example, I’m Always Trying To Lose Fifteen Pounds. But I Never Need To Be Skinny. I Don’t Want To Be Skinny. I’m Constantly In A State Of Self-improvement But I Don’t Beat Myself Up Over It.

Because Confidence Is Like Respect; You Have To Earn It.

On 'the Office,' So Much Of The Show Is About Disguising Your True Feelings And Your Romantic Feelings Because It Was A Mock Documentary.

What? I Have A Cold. Don’t Get A Look Of Terror On Your Face. The Worst That Could Happen Is That You’ll Get A Cold, Too. You Don’t Have To Theatrically Purell A Thousand Times A Day And Look All Panicky Every Time I Come Into The Room.

One Friend With Whom You Have A Lot In Common Is Better Than Three With Whom You Struggle To Find Things To Talk About.

Growing Up, I Remember My Parents Feeling A Little Wary Of 'the Simpsons.' This Was The Late Eighties, And There Was A Wave Of Articles About Tv Shows That Were Bad For America. Then We All Started Watching It And Loved It.

Something That's Happened Recently Is That I Don't Beat Myself Up About Stuff.

I Feel The Same Way About Clothes As I Do About Food. I Want Everything.

I Initially Thought You Were Ugly, But Then You Walked Closer To Me And I Realized You Were Pretty.

Even In My Revenge Fantasy Where All I Do Is Exercise, I Can Still Do Only Twenty-five Pull-ups. Pull-ups Are Tough, No Joke.

I Don't Want To Be Skinny. I'm Constantly In A State Of Self-improvement But I Don't Beat Myself Up Over It.

I'm Too Excited To Sleep!

I've Always Assumed That My Parents And My In-laws Would Live With Me When I Get Older And Have Children. I Just Assume It Will Happen And That It's The Right Way To Do Things. It's A Deeply Indian Custom - That You Kind Of Inherit Your Parents And Your Spouse's Parents And You Take Care Of Them Eventually.

I Try Not To Put Anything Political On The Forefront Of What I'm Trying To Do Creatively. At The Same Time, I Do Think It's Wonderful When I Hear People Say That It's Inspirational That I'm An Indian Woman On Camera. My Life Is Very Diverse, And My Friends Are A Diverse Group Of People.

I Am The Kind Of Person That Is Drawn To Colors Against My Will.

Gratitude Is The Closest Thing To Beauty Manifested In An Emotion

It's Weird: I Was In A Conference Room, Shouting Out Story Ideas In The Voices Of Different Characters, And It Was Something I Had To Learn Because I'd Never Been In That Atmosphere. But I Think I Had A Quick Learning Curve, Because This Is The Job I Was Supposed To Have.

Skinny Foodie, Get Away From Me.

If You Are Going To Ask Your Crush For Their Phone Number, You Are One Of The Small Group Of Women I Am So Jealous Of.

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I Think References, Where They Fit Organically, Are Great. It's Great To Do A Show That's Real And Relatable, And So Much Of What Is Real, Is Using Real Things And Instances That Are Specific. Specificity Is The Best Tool You Can Have, As A Writer.

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Why Is Everyone Trying To Tell Me That When You Get Older It Gets Better?

..i Find It Incredible Impossible Not To Cry When I Hear Stevie Nicks's "landslide," Especially The Lyric: "i've Been Afraid Of Changing, Because I've Built My Life Around You." I Think A Good Test To See If A Human Is Actually A Robot/android/cylon Is To Have Them Listen To This Song Lyric And Study Their Reaction. If They Don't Cry, You Should Stab Them Through The Heart. You Will Find A Fusebox.

The Chorus Of “jack And Diane” Is: Oh Yeah, Life Goes On, Long After The Thrill Of Living Is Gone. Are You Kidding Me? The Thrill Of Living Was High School? Come On, Mr. Cougar Mellencamp. Get A Life.

There Is Some Pressure When You Are A Woman Doing What I Do That You Must Support All Other Women Unconditionally, No Matter What They're Projecting, Or Writing, Or Producing, Or Putting Forth As Their Art. I Think That's Equally Arbitrary And Random And Unfair, And Kind Of Sexist. The Secretly Sexist Way. I Have Really High Standards For What I Think Is Funny. I Have That For Everything, And I Think It Would Be Disingenuous Of Me To Blanket-ly Love Everything A Woman Has Produced Simply To Make A Statement That We're All In This Together.

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When Men Hear Women Want A Commitment, They Think It Means Commitment To A Romantic Relationship, But That's Not It. It's A Commitment To Not Floating Around Anymore. I Want A Guy Who Is Entrenched In His Own Life. Entrenched Is Awesome.

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When Smart People Are Nice, It's Always Terrifying, Because I Know They're Taking In Everything And Thinking All Kinds Of Smart And Potentially Judgmental Things.

When I Was Growing Up, I Didn't Do Plays In Downtown Boston, And My Parents Weren't Putting Me In Auditions. They Never Thought, Oh, She Has A Gift! They Never Thought Of Me As An Entertainer When I Was A Young Kid.

Anybody Can Have A Birthday. It Requires Nothing. Murderers Have Birthdays. It's The Opposite Of Anything That I Believe In. And I Don't Like At Work Where You Stop Everything To Sing 'happy Birthday' To Someone. I Feel Like That's For Children.

I'm Not Married, I Frequently Use My Debit Card To Buy Things That Cost Less Than Three Dollars, And My Bedroom Is So Untidy It Looks Like Vandals Ransacked The Anthropologie Sale Section. I'm Kind Of A Mess.

I Was Obsessed With Being Popular When I Was In High School And Never Achieved It. There's Photos From Our High School Musicals And Things, And I'm Comically In The Deep Background, Wearing A Beggar's Costume.

In My Writers' Room, Which Is Mostly Men, I Get A Lot Of Questions Like "what Would Be The Quickest Way To Pass As A Seemingly Normal Guy Between The Ages Of Twenty-five And Forty Years Old?"

When I Was A Little Kid, I Wrote This Play About All These Characters Living In A Haunted House. There Was A Witch Who Lived There, And A Mummy. When They Were All Hassling Him, This Guy Who Bought The House - I Can't Believe I Remember This - He Said To Them, 'who's Paying The Mortgage On This Haunted House?' I Thought That Was Really Funny.

I Am An Incredibly Impatient Person.

I Think As Humans, No One Remembers Their Successes, Everyone Just Remembers Their Failures.

I Feel Lucky Because I Was A Nerd, Which I Talk About In The Book, But I Had Academic Success, So Through That, Because That's What My Parents Put A Great Deal Of Value On, I Had A Great Childhood Because I Sort Of Fulfilled The Expectations Of Being Good At School.

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I Notice That A Little Bit At The Office, With, Like, An Actor: If I Decided There'd Be A Certain Way In The Script, It Would Still Seem Open-ended, Whereas ... If I Was A Man I Would Not Have Seen That.

I'm The Kind Of Person Who Would Rather Get My Hopes Up Really High And Watch Them Get Dashed To Pieces Than Wisely Keep My Expectations At Bay And Hope They Are Exceeded. This Quality Has Made Me A Needy And Theatrical Friend, But Has Given Me A Spectacularly Dramatic Emotional Life.

I Have Such A Rich Fantasy Life, I Can't Help It. I Do Make Up A Lot Of Romantic Stories In My Head.

Sometimes I Eavesdrop On People. I Could Rationalize It - Oh, This Is Good Anthropological Research For Characters I'm Writing - But It's Basically Just Nosiness. It Also Helps Me Gauge Where I'm At: Am I Normal?

I Have Never Regretted Erring On The Side Of Withholding Information.

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Comedy Writers Have The Most Fragile Egos.

When People Call Me Either A Girl Crush Or Their Best Friend, Like, The Best Friend They Want, That's, To Me, The Best Compliment Anyone Could Ever Give Me.

It Used To Be That You Had To Make Female Tv Characters Perfect So No One Would Be Offended By Your 'portrayal' Of Women. Even When I Started Out On 'the Office' Eight Years Ago, We Could Write Our Male Characters Funny And Flawed, But Not The Women. And Now, Thankfully, It's Completely Different.

I Have A Thick Skin, Which Comes From Being A Not-really-skinny, Dark-skinned Indian Woman. I Haven’t Fit In Every Place, And So I’m Kind Of Used To Resistance.

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I Can't Have A Big Breakfast Or A Big Lunch Because I Get Very Lethargic, And Then I Get Really Cranky. I Eat, But I Have To Eat Small, Healthful Amounts Of Food.

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If It Weren't For My Imagination, I Would Weigh Ten Thousand Pounds. This Is Because The Only Way I Am Able To Exercise Anymore Is Through A Long And Vivid Revenge Fantasy.

Live Performance Really Terrifies Me. I Haven't Done It, Really, In Years. I Think That's Why I Retired From My Brief Career In Stand-up.

Almost Every College Playwright Or Sketch Or Improv Comedian Was Sort Of Aware Of Christopher Durang - Even Kids In High School. His Short Plays Were So Accessible To Younger People And I Think That Was Inspirational To Me.

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I Found It To Be Smooth Sailing - 100 Percent Smooth Sailing My Whole Career.

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I Don't Consider Myself A Fashion Person, I Consider Myself A Shopping Person. As A Person Who Has Girlie Interests And A Little Bit Of Disposable Income.

You Should Know I Disagree With A Lot Of Traditional Advice. For Instance, They Say The Best Revenge Is Living Well. I Say It’s Acid In The Face—who Will Love Them Now?

There Are Many Teenage Vampire Books You Could Have Purchased Instead. I'm Grateful You Made This Choice.

I Love Telling Press The Designers I'm Wearing, Especially If They Are Emerging. That's Exciting To Me, Supporting Talented Newcomers.

I Have A Love/hate Relationship With My Body, Some Days I'm Happy With It And Other Days I Wasn't Born With Gisele Bundchen's Body Unfortunately, So You Got To Work For It - But It's Okay.” Madonna “do I Sometimes Look At Gisele Bündchen And Wonder How Awesome Life Would Be If I Never Had To Wear Spanx? Duh, Of Course. That's Kind Of The Point Of Gisele Bündchen.

I've Always Had That Chip On My Shoulder. I've Just Always Been Super Hard On Myself.

It Makes Me Cry Because It Means That Fewer And Fewer People Are Believing It's Cool To Want What I Want, Which Is To Be Married And Have Kids And Love Each Other In A Monogamous, Long-lasting Relationship.

I, Like Most Women, I Dress For Other Women, I Think. If I Was Going To Dress For Men, I Think In General I Would Be Just Wearing, Like, A Fitted Black T-shirt And Tight Jeans Every Day.

I Am Always Surprised At What Movie Studios Think People Will Want To See. I'm Even More Surprised At How Often They Are Correct.

In Terms Of My Indianness, I Try Not To Rely On It Nor Deny It. When It Comes Up Organically In My Writing, We Can Address It. About Five Years Ago, We Wrote This Episode Of 'the Office,' Called 'diwali,' Which Seemed Like An Organic Way Of Using It.

If I Can Muster Up Any Allure In My Life, At This Stage, I Wouldn't Mind Doing That.

Why Didn’t You Talk About Whether Women Are Funny Or Not? I Just Felt That By Commenting On That In Any Real Way, It Would Be Tacit Approval Of It As A Legitimate Debate, Which It Isn’t.

I Say If You Love Something, Set It In A Small Cage And Pester And Smother It With Love Until It Either Loves You Back Or Dies.

Funny Motivational

I Do Not Think Stress Is A Legitimate Topic Of Conversation, In Public Anyway. No One Ever Wants To Hear How Stressed Out Anyone Else Is, Because Most Of The Time Everyone Is Stressed Out. Going On And On In Detail About How Stressed Out I Am Isn’t Conversation. It’ll Never Lead Anywhere. No One Is Going To Say, “wow, Mindy, You Really Have It Especially Bad. I Have Heard Some Stories Of Stress, But This Just Takes The Cake.

I Find It Very Sad That So Many Girls Who Look Up To Me Are Young Women Of Color Who Have Been Told That They Are Ugly, And Who Feel That They Are Not Normal...i Think It's So Important That Women Look Like Me Find That They Can Be Beautiful Or Objects Of Love, Attention And Affection.

I'm So Much More Confident And Sexy At Thirty-eight Than I Ever Was When I Was Eighteen Or Twenty-four.

The Tweets That I Have Written That Are Most Popular Are The Ones That Are The Kind Of Universal Girly Concerns And Observations.

I Have The Right To Life, Liberty And Chicken Wings.

Declaration Of Independence

I Really Think Guys Only Need Two Pairs Of Shoes. A Nice Pair Of Black Shoes And A Pair Of Chuck Taylors.

I Don’t Think It Should Be Socially Acceptable For People To Say They Are “bad With Names.” No One Is Bad With Names. That Is Not A Real Thing. Not Knowing People’s Names Isn’t A Neurological Condition; It’s A Choice. You Choose Not To Make Learning People’s Names A Priority. It’s Like Saying, “hey, A Disclaimer About Me: I’m Rude.

My Whole Childhood Was Like: Work Hard, Be Quiet, Respect Elderly People, Respect Your Parents, And Just Be Unobtrusive.

My Relationship With My Mom Is Really The Single Most Profound Relationship That I've Ever Had In My Life.

I'm Not Into Red Carpet Looks Where It's Clear The Woman Wanted To Look Like A Pretty, Pretty Princess.

We Have This Saying, And It's Been Very Useful When A Series, 'the Mindy Project' Goes For Longer Than A Hundred Episodes, Which Is Mindy Character Can Never Get What She Wants When She Wants It. We Enjoyed It Because It Felt Very Real To Her Character To Make A Big Impulsive Move And It Seems Like She Has Everything, This Instant Family, A Guy She Loves And Then There's A Moment Of Panic.

I Love Women Who Are Bosses And Who Don't Constantly Worry About What Their Employees Think Of Them. I Love Women Who Don't Ask, "is That Ok?" After Everything They Say. I Love When Women Are Courageous In The Face Of Unthinkable Circumstances, Like My Mother When She Was Diagnosed With Stage Iv Pancreatic Cancer. Or Like Gabrielle Giffords Writing Editorials For The New York Times About The Cowardice Of Congress Regarding Gun Laws And Using Phrases Like "mark My Words" Like She Is Clint Eastwood. How Many Women Say Stuff Like That?

I Hated L.a. For A Long Time, And I Wanted To Leave It. I Had These Fantasies Of Going To 'snl' And Falling In Love With Some Writer On 'snl,' Of Getting Married And Living In New York.

Falling In Love

I Was Kind Of Unfriendly And Suspicious Of Everyone Around Me. I Didn't Talk Until I Was About 15. It's A Kind Of Famous Story At My House.

My Version Of An Irish Exit Has An Air Of Deception To It, Because It Includes My Asking Loudly, “where’s The Bathroom?” And Making Theatrical Looking-around Gestures Like A Lost Foreign Tourist. But Then, Instead Of Finding The Bathroom, I Sneakily Grab My Coat And Leave.

He Was So Popular You Could Barely Look At Him Without Being Blinded By Cool.

I Get So Worried About Girls With Body Image Stuff And I Feel Like I Have Been Able To Have A Fun Career And Be An On-camera Talent And Be Someone Who Has Boyfriends And Love Interests And Wears Nice Clothes And Those Kinds Of Things Without Having To Be An Emaciated Stick. And It Is Possible To Do It. In Life, You Don't Have To Be That Way And You Can Have A Great Life, A Fun Life, And A Fulfilling Love Life.

This Book Will Take You Two Days To Read. Did You Even See The Cover? It’s Mostly Pink. If You’re Reading This Book Every Night For Months, Something Is Not Right.

Twitter Is So Short, It's Safe. I Don't Want My Bosses To Be Like, 'hey, Your Script Is Due And We Saw You Wrote Four Blog Pages.'

It'd Be Great To Be So Famous That If I Murder Someone, I Will Never, Ever, Ever Serve Any Jail Time, Even If It's Totally Obvious To Everyone That I Did It.

I Sort Of Refuse To Be An Outsider, Even Though I Know That I Very Much Look Like One To A Lot Of People, And I Refuse To View Myself In Such Terms.

Every Actor Pretends That They Hate Sex Scenes, And The Truth Is That They All Love Them, And They're Lying.

It Doesn't Help For You To Name A Character's First Name Be Mindy And Then Be Like, "i'm Nothing Like The Character."

There Is A Lot Of Catarsis That Passes Itself Off As Art Or Comedy And I'm Kind Of Critical Of That. I Think That Just Because You Bare Your Soul Or Underwear Or Private Moments It Doesn't , Or Necessarily Make For Entertainment, Or Good Writing, Or Funny Writing.

I Was Always A Silent Comedy Nerd. I Would Stay Up Late And Sneak Downstairs To Watch 'saturday Night Live' And 'kids In The Hall,' And Things Like That. Very Early On, My Parents Realized That I Was Not Going To Be An Engineer Or A Doctor. I Just Don't Have Those Inclinations, At All.

I Used To Forget That I Was An Indian Woman. I Would Even Forget That I Was A Woman. I Don't Think Of Myself As Bringing To The Table A Lot Of 'women's Issues.' I Don't Feel The Need To Write About Maternity. I Grew Up Thinking That The Talented People In Comedy Were Hard-joke Writers.

As My Mom Has Said, When One Person Is Unhappy, It Usually Means Two People Are Unhappy But That One Has Not Come To Terms With It Yet.

I Was Just This Chubby Little Indian Kid Who Looked Like A Nerd. I Didn't Have A Ton Of Academic Skills. It Wasn't Until I Was In High School That I Was Like, "i Guess I Like Writing Dialogue." So That's How I Got Into It.

If I'm Going To Be A Mess, I Might As Well Be A Hot Mess, Right?

Woody Allen Is Really The Ultimate. I Love That He Believed In Himself Enough To Do What He Did. And I Have That Same Feeling - That There's Nobody That Looks Like Me In Movies, Nobody Would Cast Me As A Romantic Lead, But I Want To Do It And I Feel Confident That I Can.

I'm Indian-american And I Think That When I Think Of Myself As Being Culturally Indian, It Had So Much To Do With When I Lived With My Parents And Was A Kid Because They Would Take Me To The Diwali Festivals. They Would Take Me To The Temple, And They Would Teach Me About All The Different Holidays.

Twitter Is The Most Amazing Medium For A Comedy Writer. I Can't Get In Every Idea I Want On The Show No Matter How Hard I Try To Bully The Other Writers, So It's A Way Of Me Getting Out Other Comic Ideas And Immediately Getting Feedback.

To Have A Complete Outfit Designed, For Me, Is Easier Than Trying To Find Pieces That Work Together.

Working Together

When I Was Twenty-five, I Went On Exactly Four Dates With A Much Older Guy Whom I'll Call Peter Parker. I'm Calling Him Peter Parker Because The Actual Guy's Name Was Also Alliterative, And Because, Well, It's My Book And I'll Name A Guy I Dated After Spider-man's Alter Ego If I Want To.

Sometimes I Aid Into The Confusion By Having My Character's Name Be My Name.

Listen, My Body Is Attracted To Your Body But When You Speak It Makes My Brain Angry.

I Hate Gowns. It's A Rare Gown Indeed That Is Cool. Most Are Elegant Or Whatever, A Quality I Don't Put A Big Premium On.

We Always Think Of A Diet With A Big Groan. But I Think Diets Are Fun. I Think It Is An American Pastime For A Lot Of Women.

I Never Want To Be Called The Funniest Indian Female Comedian That Exists. I Feel Like I Can Go Head-to-head With The Best White, Male Comedy Writers That Are Out There. Why Would I Want To Self-categorize Myself Into A Smaller Group Than I’m Able To Compete In?

This Is Extremely Challenging When You Sound Like A 12-year-old Girl, And You Decide Your First Personal Endeavor Is To Play, Like, A - Like, A Very Macho Dude.

I'm An Actor And A Writer And A Showrunner And I Edit My Show. ... I Have A Job That Three People Usually Have, And I Have It In One Person. And The Idea That The Critic Thought That I Had This Excess Of Time For Which I Could Go To, Like, Panels Or Write Essays Was Just So Laughable To Me.

I Just Have My Characters Say My Controversial Opinions And Then Hide Behind Them.

My Dream Of Course, As A Writer And A Person Who's An Entertainer, Is: Grow Up To Be Mindy Kaling, Don't Grow Up To Be Mindy Lahiri.

Anyone Who's Lost Someone To Cancer Will Say This, That You Have To Struggle To Try To Remember The Person Before The Diagnosis Happened, Because They Really Do Change - As Anyone Would Change.

I Am A Super-confident Writer, And As A Joke Writer And As An Actress, I'm Like, 'i Want To Go Head-to-head With Every Person.' I Am An Indian Woman And I'm A Kind Of Double Minority In This World.

I Stupidly Memorize My Credit Card And Use It About Thrice Weekly For Online Shopping. The Only Reason I Don't Bankrupt Myself Is That I Return About 75% Of What I Buy.

There Are So Many Distractions You Can Face As A Woman, Either With Relationships Or Worrying About, Should I Go To This Party? Or, Should I Be Doing This To Help Me Get Ahead? All [success] Is, Is Doing Your Work And Staying Focused. It's Boring Advice, But Boring Good Advice Is What You Can Get From Me!

There Is No Sunrise So Beautiful That It Is Worth Waking Me Up To See It.

Directing Is Exhausting, But Not For The Actual Directing Part, When You Say "action!" And Give Creative Notes. As A Director, The Exhausting Part Is That You Are A Professional Answer-machine.

I Had These Kind Of Unrealistic Expectations That Were Fueled By Romantic Comedies, And It Has Both Helped Me And Hurt Me In Many Ways. It Helped Me Because, In General, They've Made Me Hopeful. I Just Figure Things Will Eventually Work Out For Me. But Nobody Is Like Any Tom Hanks Character. Nobody Is Hugh Grant. No One Is Meg Ryan!

That's What She Said.

My Dad Is Funny In His Own Way, And So Is My Brother, But In Terms Of Legitimately Making A Lot Of People Laugh, That's My Mom. I Inherit My Sense Of Comedy From Her.

As A Kid, I Always Loved Serialized Books. It’s The Reason Why People Love Harry Potter. Serialization Is Amazing. It Works In Television. It Works In Film And It Works In Books. Especially When You’re A Young Kid, You Get Attached To These Characters.

Besides, Who Wants To Read About Success, Anyway? Successful Serial Murderers, Maybe.

I Always Knew I Wanted Kids, But When My Mom Passed Away I Was Like, 'i Want A Bunch Of Kids. I Want Three Kids Or Four Kids, And I Want To Have That Relationship Again.' I Can't Bring My Mom Back, But I Can Have Children.

All Women Love Colin Firth: Mr. Darcy, Mark Darcy, George Vi—at This Point He Could Play The Craigslist Killer And People Would Be Like, 'oh My God, The Craigslist Killer Has The Most Boyish Smile!

There Are Time When Friends Have Said They Hooked Up With Someone And All It Means Is That They Had A Highly Anticipated Kissing Session. Other Times It's A Full-on All-night Sex-a-thon. Can't We Have A Universal Understanding Of The Term, Once And For All? From Now On, Let's All Agree That Hooking Up = Sex. Everything Else Is 'made Out.' And If You're Older Than Twenty-eight, Then Just Kissing Someone Doesn't Count For Crap And Is Not Even Worth Mentioning. Unless You're Mormon, In Which Case You're Going To Hell.

I Have An Underdog Spirit In Me, And Now It Feels Weird To Kind Of Get My Own Way More Often Than Not.

What Mindy Has In Common With A Lot Of Women In Their Mid-30s Is That She's Obsessed With Marriage. It's The Entire Premise Of The 'the Mindy Project'. The Pilot Is Her Wanting To Get Married And Her Ruining Her Ex-boyfriend's Wedding. For Someone Who Fetishizes Marriage So Much, We're Like, "ok, Let's Give It To Her And Let's See If It's As Good As She Thinks It's Going To Be." That's Been The Fun Of The Beginning Part Of This Season Is Showing Her What The Challenges Are Of Being Married.

As A Kid It's Adorable To Have A Gap In Your Teeth. But Then, Because Of The Shifting In My Mouth, I Started Whistling Through It, And As A 32-year-old Woman, Whistling While You Speak In Sort Of Annoying.

My Parents Were Supportive Of My Creativity But Did Not Have A Lot Of Patience For Whimsy With Zero Production Value. They Had Stuff To Do.

If You're A Kid Who Was Not Especially A Star In Your High School, I Recommend Going To A College In The Middle Of Nowhere. I Got All The Attention I Could Ever Have Wanted.

You Always Want To Keep Your Look Clean And Elegant, But You Don't Have To Do The Safe Black-dress Route. Have Some Fun! Wear Something Colorful With A Hint Of Sparkle.

Right Now, I'm Hankering For New Adventures... Ninety Percent Of The Time I'm Having Romantic-comedy Fantasies In Which I'm Wearing Little Pencil Skirts And Hurrying Down To The Subway.

Writing A Book Is The Most Terrifying Thing That I've Ever Done. It's So Much Harder Than Writing For Television Because It Is A Completely Different Skill Set.

I Have Crushes On Celebrities Or People I Meet Or See In The Coffee Shop, And Every Day I Fall In Love With Three People Simply Because They Said One Funny Thing Or Appeared To Me In A Certain Way.

Falling In Love

I Fall Into That Nebulous, Quote-unquote, Normal American Woman Size That Legions Of Fashion Stylists Detest. For The Record, I'm A Size 8 - This Week, Anyway. Many Stylists Hate That Size Because I Think To Them, It Shows That I Lack The Discipline To Be An Ascetic; Or The Confident, Sassy Abandon To Be A Total Fatty Hedonist.

My Mother Is More Of An Adviser. I Followed Everything She Did When I Was Younger, Because I Looked Up To Her So Much.

I Think Women In General Like Men That Don't Give Them The Thing That We Want. We Want A Chase.

Couples Are Really Funny, Because If They Are Together, They Can Fight And Do Fun Things Together. In Jane Austen Books, Marriage Is The End Of The Story, But I Actually Think A Really Funny Couple Could Be A Fun Thing To Watch.

Elizabeth Kennedy Is So Chic. Her Gowns Have Such Structure, I Feel Like A Work Of Art.

I Think Sometimes People Think Cheerful Is A Synonym For Dumb, So No One Is Ever Cheerful.

Another Old Saying Is That Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold. But It Feels Best Served Piping Hot, Straight Out Of The Oven Of Outrage. My Opinion? Take Care Of Revenge Right Away.

I Guess Nothing Puts A Damper On A One-night Stand As Much As Your Friend Pointing Out All The Opportunities Where You Might Have Been Killed.

So I’m Into Men Now, Even Though They Can Be Frightening. I Want A Schedule-keeping, Waking-up-early, Wallet-carrying, Non-velcro-shoe-wearing Man.

I Work So Hard And So Many Hours, And I've Done That For Years And Years And Years.

Once I Saw Paris Hilton Leaving A Restaurant In Hollywood And The Paparazzi Cameras Were All Over Her. It Looked So Unpleasant. It Wasn't Because She Didn't Look Sensational - She Was That Perfect Combination Of Fashionable And Slutty - It Was Because The Paparazzi Guys Were Shouting These Insanely Rude And Intrusive Questions At Her. Like, Asking Her Who She Was Sleeping With And Stuff. I Was Kind Of Interested In The Answer, So I Was Glad They Asked, But It Was Still Gross.

When I've Acted, And It's Not Been Something I've Written Or Have Had At Least A Hand In Writing, I Do Think There Is A Controlling Side Of Me That Is Frustrated By That. And I Actually Don't Think That It's A Bad Thing, Because If I'm Going To Be In Movies, In Large Part They're Going To Be Movies That I Write.

Also, Chubby People Can Never Truly Pull Off Ethereal The Same Way Skinny People Can Never Be Jolly.

Sarah [silverman] Writes Her Own Jokes. She Doesn't Just Go Through Her Life And Talk About Everything. She Sits Down And Crafts Jokes. Sometimes Her Inspiration Comes From Areas Of Her Life That Are Risqué. But She Is An A-plus Professional Joke-writer In Addition To Being Very Attractive And A Great Performer.

I’m Not Complaining About Romance Being Dead - I’ve Just Described A Happy Marriage As Based On Talking About Plants And A Canceled Ray Romano Show And Drinking Milkshakes: Not Exactly Rose Petals And Gazing Into Each Other’s Eyes At The Top Of The Empire State Building Or Whatever. I’m Pretty Sure My Parents Have Gazed Into Each Other’s Eyes Maybe Once, And That Was So My Mom Could Put Eyedrops In My Dad’s Eyes.

I Would Be The First To Admit That I Have Incredibly High, Ambitious Standards For My Life And My Career, And I've Had Those My Entire Life. It's Something That Was Just Instilled In Me By My Parents.

Haley And I Would Talk For Hours About Which Member Of 'n Sync We'd Want To Marry. After Long Deliberation, The Answer Was Always J. C. Chasez. Joey Fatone's Last Name Was Going To Be “fat One” No Matter How Great He Was, And Even Though They Didn't Know At Their Age That Lance Bass Was Gay Outright, They Sensed He'd Make A Better Good Friend And Confidante. As For Justin Timberlake, Well, Jt Was The Coolest And Hottest, But Too Flashy, So We Couldn't Trust Him To Be Faithful. J. C. Chasez Was The Smart Compromise.

I Think I've Always Wanted To Be A Role Model, And I Think ... Everyone Should Try To Live Their Life Like They'd Like To Be A Role Model. I Think It's Like The Thing Keeping Me Out Of Jail.

Every Day, I Wake Up And I'm Like, "oh, I'm The Star Of My Own Show That Has My Name In It And I Get To Write It And Hire Actors That I've Loved For Such A Long Time!" It's Amazing!

Truthfully, I Guess I Would Like To Be Remembered As A Great Writer And A Kind Person. I Wouldn't Mind If An Expensive Bag Were Named After Me, Like Jane Birkin.

When I Have Time To Sit And Reflect On The Different Situations That I Face Every Day, I'll Be Able To Speak More Succinctly About The Challenges As A Woman.

I Don't Mind That If I Ever Star In Movies, They'll Likely Be Mine. That's Okay, Because My Great Role Models - Woody Allen, Even Tyler Perry, Who Is Actually One Of My Role Models, Even If That Seems Kind Of Strange - They Do That Themselves. And It's Great. They Build Empires, And They're Known As Having Their Own Voice. I Think It's 20 Times More Fun To Act On A Set Where I Feel The Freedom To Change The Dialogue.

People Seem To Be Having These Awesome Sex Lives And I'm Just Trying To Find A Life Partner To Go Apple Picking With. What's Wrong With Me?

I Feel Like The High-concept Shows That Have Some Kind Of Gimmick Tend Not To Be The Hit Classic Shows Of All Time.

Fast Food Is Hugely Important In The Life Of A Comedy Writer. All We Do Is Order In, And What We're Going To Eat Is Hotly Debated.

I Have A Personality Defect Where I Refuse To See Myself As An Underdog.

Everyone Has A Moment When They Discover They Love Amy Poehler.

I Have A Personality Defect Where I Sort Of Refuse To See Myself As An Underdog... It's Because Of My Parents. They Raised Me With The Entitlement Of A Tall, Blond, White Man.

I Know A Lot Of People Think Of Me And They Like, Oh That Girl Is Really Sexy, That Girl Is Really Put Together, She Would Never Do Something As Unladylike As A Beet Eating Competition.

Sometimes You Just Have To Put On Lip Gloss And Pretend To Be Psyched.

People Ask Me All The Time How I Got Hired Onto The Office. Another Common Question Is How Do I Manage To Stay So Down-to-earth In The Face Of Such Incredible Success? ... A Third Frequently Asked Question Is: "girl, Where You From? Trinidad? Guyana? Dominican Republic? You Married? You Got Kids?" This Is Mostly Asked By Guys On The Sidewalk Selling I Love New York Paraphernalia In New York City.

I'm Not Overweight. I Flucuate Between Chubby And Curvy.

I Have A Whole System Down For Returning Online Shopping: A Tape Gun, A Printer For Return Labels. That Has Replaced Traditional Window Shopping In My Life, As I've Gotten Busier.

Window Shopping

I'm Someone Who Loves Romance. I Always Have Loved It. Most People Who Grew Up As Nerds, As I Was, Surprisingly, Have Loved Romance.

Whenever I Wanted To Talk To Anyone On The East Coast, It Was Way Too Late. Living Three Hours Behind Was One Thing I Complained About. The Other Thing, Of Course, Was Just That There Were No Seasons. I Would Complain About That Too. Just Tons Of Complaining, Man, Early On. I Can't Believe I'm Still Friends With The People I Was Friends With When I First Started In La.

People Take Things At Face Value On Social Media. Earnestness Is The Assumption.

I Feel Like If I Had My Personality But Was An Ob/gyn, You Would Be Psyched. You'd Be Like, 'my Chatty, Pop-culture-interested But Plainspoken, Wants-to-talk-about-clothes But Serious-minded Doctor.' I Feel Like I Would Clean Up With Patients. That's Kind Of A Cocky Thing To Say.

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