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I Saw A Dog Wearing A Sweater And I Thought That Looked Ridiculous 'cause Dogs Don't Have Arms. If You're Going To Put Clothes On The Dog, You Should Put Two Pairs Of Pants On It.

-Demetri Martin

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I Saw A Dog

Demetri Martin

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I Saw A Dog Wearing A Sweater And I Thought That Looked Ridiculous 'cause Dogs Don't Have Arms. If You're Going To Put Clothes On The Dog, You Should Put Two Pairs Of Pants On It.

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When I Was A Kid, I Always Wanted To Live In California Because I Liked Skateboarding.

I Wonder What The Most Intelligent Thing Ever Said Was That Started With The Word 'dude.' 'dude, These Are Isotopes.' 'dude, We Removed Your Kidney. You're Gonna Be Fine.' 'dude, I Am So Stoked To Win This Nobel Prize. I Just Wanna Thank Kevin, And Turtle, And All My Homies.'

If Only Loud People Were Even Half As Interesting As They Think They Are.

Don't Forget To Turn Your Clocks Back Today If You Don't Want Your Clocks To Be Set To The Right Time.

Sometimes, When Something Really Great Happens To Me, I Like To Wait Two Weeks Before I Tell Anyone About It, Because I Like To Use The Word 'fortnight'.

I Wanna Design A Video Game Where You'd Have To Take Care Of All The People Shot In All The Other Video Games.

Once I Started To Look I Finally Began To See.

If You Drink Enough Beer, Everything Turns In To A Bed.

I Got Myself A Really Nice Nib Pen, With Like 15 Kinds Of India Ink, And Tons Of Different Nibs; I Think I Was Just Procrastinating, Like, Once I Have The Right Nib, The Book Is Just Going To Jump Right Out Of My Fingertips... But Then It Just Ended Up Looking Like The Shitty Drawings That I Usually Do.

The Plastic Knife Is Perfect For When A Person Just Wants To Make Some Marks On His Food And Get Insanely Frustrated At The Same Time.

I Think Statues Are Great; They Show What Great People Would Look Like If A Bird Sh*t All Over Them.

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I Go The Gym And I Try To Run On The Treadmill And I Listen To Music But It Doesn't Motivate Me Enough. So I'm Going To Get A Recording Of A Pack Of Wolves Gaining On Me. People Would Be Like, 'why Is That Guy Crying On That Treadmill Over There?' 'i Don't Know, But He's Been Yelling, 'help' For Like 20 Minutes. He's Getting A Good Workout.

'sort Of' Is Such A Harmless Thing To Say... Sort Of. It's Just A Filler. Sort Of... It Doesn't Really Mean Anything. But After Certain Things, Sort Of Means Everything. Like... After "i Love You"... Or "you're Going To Live."

If I Had To Pick One Artist To Tile My Bathroom I Would Go With Mc Escher.

Automatic Paper Towel Dispensers Are A Solution To Something That Was Never A Problem In The First Place.

You Are Ten Times More Likely To Get Hit By A Car When The Driver Is Aiming For You.

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