Background Image

...

It's Very Easy To Go Through Your Whole Life And Never Really Get Anything Done Or Have Any Real Meaningful Interactions Or Relationships. All Of A Sudden You're Dead, And I'm Going To Say That's Got To Be A Letdown.

-Demetri Martin

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

It's Very Easy To

Demetri Martin

...

It's Very Easy To Go Through Your Whole Life And Never Really Get Anything Done Or Have Any Real Meaningful Interactions Or Relationships. All Of A Sudden You're Dead, And I'm Going To Say That's Got To Be A Letdown.

Views: 5

Topic

More From Demetri Martin

Cotton Candy Is The Perfect Snack For When I'm In The Mood To Eat Dry, Scratchy Fabric.

When I Stub My Toe It's Like I Pressed A Button That Plays All The Curse Words I Know.

You Always Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. You Never Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. The Problem Is, You Have A Non-wolf Imparting Wolf Teachings.

A Know-it-all Is A Person Who Knows Everything Except For How Annoying He Is.

Once I Started To Look I Finally Began To See.

I Think Hair Gel Was Invented To Make It Easier To Identify Assholes From A Distance.

One Time I Saw An Old Man In A Hurry And I Thought, 'that Makes Sense.'

Siamese Twins Are Interesting Because They Are The Only People Who Can Write A Biography And An Autobiography At The Same Time.

People And Squirrels Are Very Different. Most People Will Not Argue That. But I Find That There Is One Situation In Which They're Very Similar. And That Is: When I Am Driving Towards Them In My Car. Then They're Kind Of Hard To Tell Apart - Especially If The Human Is Kind Of Hairy.

My Plumbing Is All Screwed Up. Because It Turns Out, I Do Not Own A Garbage Disposal.

Garbage Disposal

The Digital Camera Is A Great Invention Because It Allows Us To Reminisce. Instantly.

Parades Are Man's Attempt To Make Traffic Exciting.

A Couple Weeks Ago I Was On The Street And I Saw An Ugly Pregnant Lady, And I Just Thought, 'good For You.'

A Jerk On A Motorcycle Is Equal To A Leaf, Because I Find It Beautiful When These Things Fall.

I'm In A Weird Position, Because I Like Rainbows, But I'm Not Gay. So Whenever I Go Out Wearing A Rainbow Shirt, I Have To Put "not Gay." But I'm Not Against Gays, So Under That I'll Have To Put "... But Supportive." It's Weird How One Group Of People Took Refracted Light. That's Very Greedy, Gays.

Okay, So, When I Was A Kid, Definitely The Drawings And The Illustration. Then I Stopped In Sixth Grade Or So. And Then I Started Again When I Was In My Twenties. I Really Didn't Progress Since Then, So The Way I Draw Is The Way I Drew In Sixth Grade.

I Like Video Games, But They Are Very Violent. I Want To Create A Video Game In Which You Have To Help All The Characters Who Have Died In The Other Games. 'hey, Man, What Are You Playing?' 'super Busy Hospital. Could You Leave Me Alone? I'm Performing Surgery! This Guy Got Shot In The Head, Like, 27 Times!'

If You Stretched The Average Person's Intestines Out From End To End, It Would Make Them Scream A Lot.

I Never Set Out To Do A Sketch Show.

Swimming Is A Confusing Sport, Because Sometimes You Do It For Fun, And Other Times You Do It To Not Die. And When I'm Swimming, Sometimes I'm Not Sure Which One It Is.

A Good Name For A Gang Would Be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

I Love Steven Wright.

It Feels Like Every Day Or Two, People On Twitter And The Internet Are Outraged About Something.

Like A Lot Of People, I’ve Always Enjoyed Commenting On Strangers’ Outfits. Unlike A Lot Of People, I Now Had A New Megaphone To Do It With. And, Let Me Tell You, Commenting On People’s Hilarious Clothing Choices Through A Megaphone Makes It So Much Better.

I Live In New York And There Are A Lot Of Famous... Pizzerias In My Neighborhood, It's Really Hard To Find One That Isn't Famous. Which Sucks Sometimes, You Know What I Mean, Sometimes I Don't Want All That Glitz And Glamour, I Just Want Something Delicious, You Know? I Don't Need A Celebrity In My Mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza Would Be Fine.

Game, Set, Match Equals Tennis. Set, Match, Run Equals Arson.

Hot Potato Is A Very Different Game When The People Playing Are Starving.

I Would Like To Have Windshield Wipers That Do The Whole Windshield, Please.

Mosquito Bites Jesus, Receives Communion.

I Bought A New Pair Of Pajamas With Pockets, Which Is Great, Cause Now I Don't Have To Hold Things When I Sleep.

Saying, 'i'm Sorry' Is The Same As Saying, 'i Apologize.' Except At A Funeral.

To Make A Squirrel Look Less Uptight, Put Tiny Sunglasses On It.

I Don't Know What The Long Form Of Ok Is. I Wanna Think It's Okie Dokie. 'i'm Okie Dokie. I'm A Little Shaken Up, But I'm Okie Dokie.' 'the Good News Is, She's Okie Dokie. The Surgery Went Fine.'

I Love Catching A Snapshot Of Something That Is Just About To Happen. Or Maybe Something That Just Happened, You Know. But I Like Especially That Just-before Kind Of Feeling.

Sometimes If I Really Want To Get Someone's Attention, I'll Start A Sentence With Something Like, "i'm Not Racist, But..." I Say, "i'm Not Racist, But You Look Great Today." They Say, "that Wasn't Racist At All." I Said, "i Know. I Said I'm Not Racist. You Never Listen. Typical Mexican."

Halloween: The Day Each Year When Strangers Give You Even More Specific Reasons To Dislike Them Based On What They Are Wearing.

I Am What I Eat. And I Am This Especially When I Bite My Nails.

If I Were Blind, I'd Wear A Blindfold All The Time.

Coffee Is Like A Bra. 3 Cups Is One Too Many.

Cottonballs Are An Example Of Something I'd Want To Buy, But Not Have As A Nickname.

Specifically In Stand-up, I Love Jokes. I Love Short, Structured Ideas And A Punchline.

It's Weird The Way "finger Puppet" Sounds Okay As A Noun... Ladies.

And As Far As Actors Go, Peter Sellers Is My All-time Favorite.

I'm Very Hip-oriented. I Focus On Hips In My Comedy - Probably More Than Any Other Hipster Comic Who Is Out There Hipping Today. My Hips, Other Hips. I Work With My Hips A Great Deal. That Is What I Do. But Not In A Gay Way.

I Want To Launch A Globe Into Space Just To Mess With The Astronauts.

People Only Mention It's A Free Country If They're Doing Something Shitty.

I Like Parties, But I Don't Like Piñatas Because The Pinata Promotes Violence Against Flamboyant Animals. Hey, There's A Donkey With Some Pizzazz. Let's Kick Its Ass.

I Think If I Pick The Right Thing To Spend My Time Doing, Then Time Moves Differently, Because I Really Can Get Fully Immersed In Things And Feel Very Alive And Challenged, But In A Good Way. I Feel A Sense Of Progress.

I Think A Bad Place For A Fire Would Be The Factory Where They Make Those Trick Candles.

I Want To Make A Revolving Door That Says 'pull' On It, Just See How Obedient People Are.

I Was Eating Some Candy And Looked On The Wrapper, And It Said Made From Natural And Artificial Flavors. You Could Just Say Flavors.

It Is Interesting That The Black Bmw Is The Preferred Car Of So Many Assholes.

It's Thursday And It Really Feels Like A Thursday. Sometimes Things Just Work Out.

The Shortest Feedback Loop I Can Think Of Is Doing Improvisation In Front Of An Audience.

History, Like Wallpaper, Repeats Itself And Can Also Make A Room Look Old-fashioned.

Statistics Indicate That The Average American Is A Guy Named Brian Who Lives In Ohio.

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways. Indeed. And A Shorter Way To Say That Is: God Is A Sneak.

Stand Up Is Really Fun Because If I Think Of A Joke Or A Funny Idea, Then I Can Just Go And Tell Some People And If They Laugh, They Laugh Right Away.

A Large Portion Of The Earth's Land Area Is Taken Up By Old Varsity Jackets.

When I Used To Go On The Wikipedia Page, And I Haven't Gone On The Page In A While, There Used To Be Some Guy Who Was Doing My Page And He Would Say That He Was My Cousin And I Was Going To Be Doing Projects With Him. I Don't Know Who This Person Is And I Don't Have A Cousin By This Name And This Person Keeps Saying That They're Doing Projects With Me. It's So Weird.

I Was Walking In The Park And This Guy Waved At Me. Then He Said, 'i'm Sorry, I Thought You Were Someone Else.' I Said, 'i Am.'

100% Of The People Who Give 110% Do Not Understand Math.

When They Were Naming The Animals, Somebody Got Lazy: Anteater? What's It Doing? It's Eating Ants. Done!

I'm A Body Builder, But I Don't Use Weights. I Use Snacks. It's Kind Of A Different Building Process.

I Love Motor Learning Because It's Very Basic And Primal. A Lot Of What I Like To Learn Correlates With The Opposite Of What Gets You Laid. I Can Ride A Unicycle And I Can Juggle. These Are Unimpressive Things To Know.

I Can Tell How Lonely I Am By How Easily I'm Fooled By A Mannequin In A Store.

If I Had A Bookstore I Would Make All The Mystery Novels Hard To Find.

There's An Old Russian Saying That Goes Some Way Or Another. I Don't Know It. I Don't Speak Russian. But Sometimes I Think About It And Wonder If It's Relevant To What I'm Going Through At The Time. Probably Not. I Mean What Do Russian Know About Hunger, Anyway?

I Bought A Cactus. A Week Later It Died. And I Got Depressed, Because I Thought, Damn. I Am Less Nurturing Than A Desert.

Artistically, I Find Jokes Really Satisfying Aesthetically, Because There's Something Great About Getting An Idea Down To A Sentence Or Two.

Whenever I Try To Spell 'banana,' I Feel Stupid Because I Don't Know When To End It.

I Can Always Tell How Stupid Someone Is By How Certain They Are About What They're Saying.

Never Be Less Interesting Than Your Refrigerator Magnets.

The Question Is, 'how Bad At Sports Were You As A Kid?' I Grew Up Near Where They Film Jersey Shore. If You Weren't Tan, Muscular, And Book-averse, You Were A Dork And A Nerd And A Geek And Stuff. I Remember Being Into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

When I Was Younger, I'd Get Very Empirical With Myself. "i Have A Hypothesis About Myself. I'll Put Myself In A Situation, See What Happens, Then I'll Draw A Conclusion Based On The Empirical Evidence. Hypothesis: I Can Play Basketball." So I'd Try. "conclusion: I Cannot Play Basketball."

It's Always Helpful To Remember That In The Grand Scheme Of Things You Are Much More Important Than... Um, Wait, Than... Something, Maybe.

I Like Digital Cameras, Because They Enable You To Reminisce Immediately.

If I Could Control The Behavior Of Fat Guys I Would Make Them Ride Mopeds More Often.

Bowling Would Be More Interesting If It Were Slightly Uphill.

For Me And Most Of My Friends Who Are Comedians, If You've Been Doing Comedy For A While, Your Tolerance For Things Actually Moves. I Find It Very Hard To Be Shocked, And When Other People Aggressively Take Offense To Something, I'm Sometimes Confused.

I Like When People Wear A Wwjd Bracelet, Because It's Like An Example Of The First Thing Jesus Wouldn't Do, Probably.

A Car Alarm Is A Way For A Car To Tell Everyone That Its Owner Is An Asshole.

I Don't Have To Kill Myself, Time Is Going To Do That.

I Am Sometimes Referred To As Excuse Me In An Annoyed Tone Of Voice, Because Apparently I Am In The Way. I Am So Sorry. I Am Supposed To Be Some Sort Of Mind Reader, I Guess. I Am Moving Out Of The Way Now As Slowly As I Possibly Can. I Am Doing This And There's Nothing You Can Do About It.

I Just Found Out That I Have More Allies Than America!

I Saw A Sign That Said, 'watch For Children.' I Was Like, 'that Sounds Like A Fair Trade - Especially If They're Crappy Kids.'

'dammit I'm Mad' Is 'dammit I'm Mad' Spelled Backwards.

To Me, Comedy Is A Game.

Right Before I'm About To Talk At Length About Something I Like I Say, Get Me Started.

I Used To Get Bummed Out When It Rained; Then I Realized That It's God's Way Of Washing Off Hippies.

I Have A Jar At Home, And I Put Pennies In It Whenever I Curse. The Other Day I Spilled The Jar. I Owe It About $25.

One Thing I Learned Is That It's Never Ok To Walk Through A Cemetery Dressed As A Mummy - Even If That Was A Shortcut On The Way To The Costume Party.

A Lot Of People Like Lollipops. I Don't Like Lollipops. To Me, A Lollipop Is Hard Candy Plus Garbage. I Don't Need A Handle. Just Give Me The Candy.

Turtles Are Greater Than Baby Nephews, Because It's Ok To Drop A Turtle.

You Get Really Disillusioned, Because You Thought You Were In Love. But You Realize That You're Just Alone.

The Plastic Knife Is Perfect For When A Person Just Wants To Make Some Marks On His Food And Get Insanely Frustrated At The Same Time.

I Set A Personal Record On Christmas. I Got My Shopping Done Three Weeks Ahead Of Time. I Had All The Presents Back At My Apartment, I Was Halfway Through Wrapping Them, And I Realized, 'damn, I Used The Wrong Wrapping Paper.' The Paper I Used Said, 'happy Birthday.' I Didn't Want To Waste It, So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

Whenever I Investigate A Smell, I Find That The Answer Is Always Bad. It's Never: 'what Is That? *sniff* Muffins!'

I Wear Dark Sunglasses When I Want My Head To Look More Like A Limousine.

There Is Also A Beast, A Beast Of Strange Dimensions. He Has The Head Of A Horse And The Body Of A Man Who Needs A Lot Of Attention. He Represents Me In College: I Was A Dork-ataur.

A Straw Enables You To Drink Without Using Your Wrist. A Straw Is Your Friend - Until You Lose Eye Contact With The Straw. Then It Will Betray You And Make You Look Like An Idiot.

Having A Beard Is A Good Way To Make Your Face More Susceptible To Velcro.

If You Want To Dry Hump Someone You Don't Know, Just Act Like They Were Choking.

For Example, I Was A White House Intern The Summer Before I Dropped Out Of Law School. Everybody Knew About It. I'd Come Home And Go To Church And Everybody Would Say, Oh, My God. Demetri, You're Working At The White House.

If I Have To Move Up In A Building, I Choose The Elevator Over The Escalator. Because One Time I Was Riding The Escalator And I Tripped. I Fell Down The Stairs For An Hour And A Half.

Rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks.

To Look Like You Are A Real Sports Fan, When There Is A Game On Tv Just Yell, Oh, Come On! Every Now And Then At The Tv.

Small Businesses Are Important, But So Are Tiny Businesses.

I Want To Commit A Crime During A Reenactment, And Turn It Into An Enactment.

A Rubik's Cube Is Equal To A Drag Queen. It's Really Colorful, But I Don't Wanna Do It.

When They Were Naming Vitamins They Must Have Thought There Were Going To Be Way More Vitamins Than There Ended Up Being. Ok Let's Name These: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... Ok Man Slow Down We've Got A Lot To Cover Here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then They Got To E And They Were Like 'we're Pretty Much Done. We've Got All Those Damn B's. This Is Embarrassing. Let's Just Skip To K And Get The Hell Out Of Here.

Wind Chimes Are Also Earthquake Chimes.

I Thought I Would, You Know, Go To College, Get To Law School, Finish, And Then Get A Job And Work As A Lawyer, But That Proved To Be Not A Good Fit For Me.

What's This About Rice Milk? I Didn't Even Know Rice Had Nipples!

It Is A Little Ironic That One Thing A Babysitter Should Not Do Is Sit On A Baby.

When A Dalmatian Sees A Cow He Must Be Like, 'what The Hell Happened To Him? I Am High Right Now. That Dalmatian Is Fat And Smeary.' When The Cow Sees The Dalmatian He Must Be Like, 'he Looks Amazing. I Am So Out Of Shape, This Is Ridiculous. My Tits Are On The Ground Here.

I Wonder What The Most Intelligent Thing Ever Said Was That Started With The Word 'dude.' 'dude, These Are Isotopes.' 'dude, We Removed Your Kidney. You're Gonna Be Fine.' 'dude, I Am So Stoked To Win This Nobel Prize. I Just Wanna Thank Kevin, And Turtle, And All My Homies.'

If You Can't Tell A Spoon From A Ladle, Then You're Fat!

There's A Very Fine Line Between Giving Someone The Heimlich Maneuver And Dry-humping A Stranger.

My Friend Says Touche Way Too Much. He's A Touche Bag.

I Was Seeing This Girl And She Wanted To Get More Serious. But I Wasn't Ready To, I Had Just Gotten Out Of A Difficult Relationship Before That. So I Said To Her, 'listen, You Have To Understand Something. Relationships Are Like Eyebrows. It's Better When There's A Space Between Them.' And That's Coming From A Greek Guy.

They Should Call Fishing What It Really Is... Tricking And Killing!

I Wasn't The Class Clown, But I Was Starting To Become The "crazy Guy" At Law School, Which Is The Guy Who Is Not So Much "crazy" As "annoying."

When I'm Buying Car Insurance I Ask Myself, 'which Company Has The Most Annoying And Relentless Commercials?'

Vampire Fad Just Won't Die. Makes Sense, I Guess.

The Difference Between A Child's Toy And An Adult Toy Is: Location, Location, Location.

I Just Know Keeping Track Of What I'm Doing And Where I'm Going Is Important To Me.

I Saw A Dog Wearing A Sweater And I Thought That Looked Ridiculous 'cause Dogs Don't Have Arms. If You're Going To Put Clothes On The Dog, You Should Put Two Pairs Of Pants On It.

How To Be A Bouncer: Be An Asshole; Stand Near A Door.

I Wanna Buy A Bunch Of Hermit Crabs And Make Them Live Together.

The Bird, The Bee, The Running Child Are All The Same To The Sliding Glass Door.

I'm Not A Lawmaker, But I Was Thinking That If You Have A Really Loud Ring Tone, Maybe You Should Be Stabbed In The Ear?

I Call It 'new Forms'. When You're Starting Out, They Ask You To Do Four Or Five Minute Sets, But Once You're A Headliner, You Do Like 90 Minutes. I Try To Think Of Different Things To Divvy Up The Show, Like Doing Drawings, Playing Music... I Gotta Carry The Show, That's The Problem.

I Like "rock, Paper, Scissors Two-thirds." You Know. "rock Breaks Scissors." "these Scissors Are Bent. They're Destroyed. I Can't Cut Stuff. So I Lose." "scissors Cuts Paper." "these Are Strips. This Is Not Even Paper. It's Gonna Take Me Forever To Put This Back Together." "paper Covers Rock." "rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks." There Should Be "rock, Dynamite With A Cutable Wick, Scissors."

I'm Always Excited To Try Something I Haven't Done.

Here Is A Tip For All You Young People Drinking Wine. With Pasta, Drink White Wine. With Steak, Drink Red Wine. And If You're Vegan, You're Annoying.

I've Learned Something On The Road, Traveling Around: State Shapes. The Easier It Is To Draw The Shape Of The State, The Harder It Is To Live In That State. So, If You Live In A Regular Polygon, Get The Hell Outta There. You Gotta Move To A Squiggly Area. Culture's Attracted To Squiggles.

Popcorn Is One Of The Only Situations In Which You Eat The Result Of An Explosion.

I Think They Should Put Pies On The Fronts Of Trains, So That When They Hit Something It's At Least A Little Bit Funny.

My Friend Asked Me I Ever Swam With Dolphins. I Was Like, 'yeah, Of Course. What Distance Are We Talking About From The Dolphins? Because The Last Time I Was In The Ocean, I'm Pretty Sure I Swam With Most Of Them.'

When I Am At Rodeo I Find It Difficult Not To Root For The Animals.

I Got Myself A Really Nice Nib Pen, With Like 15 Kinds Of India Ink, And Tons Of Different Nibs; I Think I Was Just Procrastinating, Like, Once I Have The Right Nib, The Book Is Just Going To Jump Right Out Of My Fingertips... But Then It Just Ended Up Looking Like The Shitty Drawings That I Usually Do.

I Never Give Anyone Just One Congratulation. Congratulations Are Always Plural. They Are Similar To Grapes.

Congratulations

I Go The Gym And I Try To Run On The Treadmill And I Listen To Music But It Doesn't Motivate Me Enough. So I'm Going To Get A Recording Of A Pack Of Wolves Gaining On Me. People Would Be Like, 'why Is That Guy Crying On That Treadmill Over There?' 'i Don't Know, But He's Been Yelling, 'help' For Like 20 Minutes. He's Getting A Good Workout.

A Human Head Looks The Least Scary When It Is Attached.

I Got Into Stand Up Just To Do Stand Up Because I Love Stand Up.

You Need An Audience To Help You Figure Out What's Working And What's Worth Putting On Your Album Or Your Special - Or Even Just What's Worth Touring With.

The Other Night I Was Playing Twister With Some Amputees.

I Think, At First Blush, The '60s Always Enticed Me. There's Something About The '60s, It's Not Hard To Like It.

It's Not Enough To Say I'm Sorry. You Have To Also Mean It. It's The Same With Saying I'm Single.

I Saw A Transvestite Wearing A T-shirt That Said 'guess'.

Usually, I Walk Around And Think About Things. When I Come Across A Thought That Makes Me Laugh, I Write It Down.

You Can Make A Very Heavy And Kind Of Dangerous 3-way Shot Glass Out Of A Bowling Ball.

Clowns Have No Respect For Pie.

Checkers Taught Me That A King Is A Man With Another Man On Top Of Him. But Life Taught Me That That's Actually Called A Queen.

I Wonder If It's Rude For A Deaf Person To Talk With Food In Their Hands.

It Is Illegal To Yell “fire” In A Crowded Theater. If There Is A Fire, Please Yell Something Else Instead, Like “flames!” Or “smoke Maker!” Or “bad Hot!

After Going Through Years Of Litigation To Get Royalties Due To Him, The Guy Who Coined The Term 'happily Ever After' Lived Reasonably Well For A While.

Don't Forget To Turn Your Clocks Back Today If You Don't Want Your Clocks To Be Set To The Right Time.

Surprise Parties Are Strange 'cause People Jump Up And They Yell The Word, 'surprise' At The Party. I Came Home And You Emerged From My Furniture. You Don't Have To Tell Me How To Feel. I Don't Need A Hint.

Your Mind Is Like A Sponge, In The Sense That It Would Come In Handy When Cleaning Off A Countertop Or Something Like That.

Why Are There Not Positive Mysteries? It's Always Who Stole The Diamond, Or Who Killed The Butler? How About... Who Made Cookies, Somebody Cleaned My Room.

When Someone Asks You The Question 'are You Ticklish' It Doesn't Matter If You Say Yes Or No, Cause They're Going To Touch You. If Someone Asks If You're Ticklish And You Don't Want To Be Touched You Should Something Like 'i Have Diarrhea, Now Don't Touch Me Cause You'll Make It Come Out... And Yes I'm Very Ticklish'.

I Got Some New Pajamas With Pockets In 'em. Which Is Great, Because Before That, I Used To Have To Hold Stuff When I Slept. But Now I'm Like, 'where's My Planner? There It Is. "keep Sleeping." All Right, Perfect.'

I Saw A Door That Said Exit Only. So I Entered Through It And Went Up To The Guy Working There And Said "i Have Good News. You Have Severely Underestimated That Door Over There. By Like A Hundred Percent."

My Original Goal Was Just To Do Stand-up But Then I Became Interested In Films - Writing A Film, Shooting One Someday, And Getting To Act In Them.

Love Is, And I Hope It Never Isn't.

The Clothes Make The Man. The Children Working In Sweatshops Make The Clothes. Therefore, The Children Working In Sweatshops Make The Man.

Stand-up Is Like A Row Boat: It's Fun And Romantic When You're Choosing To Do It. But If You Have No Other Choice Than To Be In A Row Boat It's Not As Enjoyable; That's Survival.

I Think It's Interesting That Cologne Rhymes With Alone.

I Wanna Design A Video Game Where You'd Have To Take Care Of All The People Shot In All The Other Video Games.

Drunken Behavior Will Not Be Tolerated, Except By Those Who Are Being Hilarious.

We Do Not Allow Dwarf Tossing. If You Toss A Dwarf, The Dwarf Will Be Tossed Right Back At You, But Faster.

The Problem With Most People, Is That They Are Most People.

Four Agreements

I've Met A Few People Who Were Passive-aggressive, But I've Never Met Anyone Who Was Aggressive-passive. I Don't Want Tacos! Maybe.

Nothing Wise Was Ever Printed Upon An Apron.

When I Was In High School I Experimented Sexually. The Experiment Was To Never Have Sex With Anybody No Matter How Hard I Tried. Success! Hypothesis Confirmed.

I Was Thinking How Strange It Is That Water Is One Of The Best, Simplest Things On This Planet, And Still With A Simple Glass Of Water You Can Neutralize So Many Of The Greatest Technological Advances That We Provide. Like With My Blackberry, I Can Get In Touch With So Many People, But If I Dip It In A Small Glass Of Water I'm Completely Disconnected.

Man Is The Most Powerful Creature On The Planet. And We're Arrogant. I Mean, People Own Birds. It's Like, There's A Creature With The Gift Of Flight. I Want It. I'm Going To Put It In My Kitchen And Make It Crap On Old Information.

When I Look Up At The Clouds I See So Many Animals, Mostly Sheep Who Have Lost Their Limbs And Heads.

A Drunk Driver Is Very Dangerous. So Is A Drunk Backseat Driver If He's Persuasive.

I Think It's Cool When An Ex-girlfriend Becomes An Xl Girlfriend.

Fire Truck With Back End On Fire Drives Really Fast In Circles.

The Reason You Often Get In Comedy Is Because You're Not Getting Laid.

99.99% Of All Castles In America Are Located In Fish Tanks.

Dogs Seem More Photogenic Than Cats. In Photos Most Cats Look Like Sociopaths.

I Would Like A Ship For The Hips, Please. Ships And Hips. Hipsters To Stir With Their Hips On The Hip Ships. And, Of Course, Hips. Yeah, Hip. That's Me. I Also Like Sips. I'm A Slow Drinker. A Sipster. I'm A Sipster Hipster Comedian. Yeah, Sips. But More Hips. Hip, Hipster, Hip Star, Hiptard. Definitely.

You Know What's The Greatest Part Of Anything Ever In The History Of Everything? Exaggeration. No, Wait; It's Correcting Yourself. No, Better Yet, It's Making Lists.

If You Have A Lair Then You Are Probably Not A Good Person.

Everything I Ever Learned I Was Told By Someone Else.

A Parade Looks Like A Bunch Of People Are Excited About Being In Traffic.

You Are Ten Times More Likely To Get Hit By A Car When The Driver Is Aiming For You.

To Get Strangers To Hate You Even Faster, Crank Up The Volume On That Very Interesting Ringtone Of Yours.

There Is A Fine Line Between A Sleepover And Just Drinking Way Too Much At Someone Else's House.

There Is Probably More Invisible Tape Out There Than We Realize.

I Was Watching Mtv And There Were Girls Dancing In Suspended Cages. That Would Be An Ambivalent Situation: "i'm Trapped! ...but Enjoying The Music".

My Friend Named His Car. And I Don't Want To Be Judgemental, But... What A Dork.

Everybody Knew That You Should Never Provoke A Rattlesnake, Much Less Tie It Into A Bow. But That Didn't Stop Judd. What Did Stop Him Was The Rattlesnake.

To Remove All Credibility From What You're Saying Try Wearing Sunglasses On Your Forehead.

My Favorite Fruit Is Grapes. Because With Grapes, You Always Get Another Chance. 'cause, You Know, If You Have A Crappy Apple Or A Peach, You're Stuck With That Crappy Piece Of Fruit. But If You Have A Crappy Grape, No Problem - Just Move On To The Next. 'grapes: The Fruit Of Hope.'

Trending Author

Thomas B. Macaulay

Christopher Hampton

Category