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I Got Myself A Really Nice Nib Pen, With Like 15 Kinds Of India Ink, And Tons Of Different Nibs; I Think I Was Just Procrastinating, Like, Once I Have The Right Nib, The Book Is Just Going To Jump Right Out Of My Fingertips... But Then It Just Ended Up Looking Like The Shitty Drawings That I Usually Do.

-Demetri Martin

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I Got Myself A

Demetri Martin

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I Got Myself A Really Nice Nib Pen, With Like 15 Kinds Of India Ink, And Tons Of Different Nibs; I Think I Was Just Procrastinating, Like, Once I Have The Right Nib, The Book Is Just Going To Jump Right Out Of My Fingertips... But Then It Just Ended Up Looking Like The Shitty Drawings That I Usually Do.

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People Only Mention It's A Free Country If They're Doing Something Shitty.

I Wonder What The Most Intelligent Thing Ever Said Was That Started With The Word 'dude.' 'dude, These Are Isotopes.' 'dude, We Removed Your Kidney. You're Gonna Be Fine.' 'dude, I Am So Stoked To Win This Nobel Prize. I Just Wanna Thank Kevin, And Turtle, And All My Homies.'

If I Were Blind, I'd Wear A Blindfold All The Time.

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The Reason You Often Get In Comedy Is Because You're Not Getting Laid.

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The Plastic Knife Is Perfect For When A Person Just Wants To Make Some Marks On His Food And Get Insanely Frustrated At The Same Time.

I Travel Alone So Much, And The First Thought Is To Grab The Damn Phone. In Airports, Just Look Around. Nobody Looks At Anybody, Or Even Out The Window. It's Obvious We Can't Live Without It Anymore, And As A Comic On The Road The Phone Is An Essential Tool. It's Probably Doing More Good Than Bad For Me, But It Does Make Me Sad That Those Of Us Who Grew Up Without Mobile Phones, We Know What We're Missing.

I Think It Would Be Cool If You Were Writing A Ransom Note On Your Computer, If The Paper Clip Popped Up And Said, 'looks Like You're Writing A Ransom Note. Need Help? You Should Use More Forceful Language, You'll Get More Money.'

I Just Found Out That I Have More Allies Than America!

Drunken Behavior Will Not Be Tolerated, Except By Those Who Are Being Hilarious.

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways. Indeed. And A Shorter Way To Say That Is: God Is A Sneak.

If You Are Trying To Impress A Woman, Leave Any Sort Of Show Farting Out Of The Equation.

It's Always Helpful To Remember That In The Grand Scheme Of Things You Are Much More Important Than... Um, Wait, Than... Something, Maybe.

I Am A Mystery Wrapped In An Enigma Wrapped In A Pita. Why The Pita? That Counts As Another Mystery.

To Make A Squirrel Look Less Uptight, Put Tiny Sunglasses On It.

I Never Set Out To Do A Sketch Show.

I Would Like To Have Windshield Wipers That Do The Whole Windshield, Please.

People And Squirrels Are Very Different. Most People Will Not Argue That. But I Find That There Is One Situation In Which They're Very Similar. And That Is: When I Am Driving Towards Them In My Car. Then They're Kind Of Hard To Tell Apart - Especially If The Human Is Kind Of Hairy.

If I Think Of A Joke That's Really Dirty And I Think It's Funny I'll Try It But What I've Found Over The Years Is They Just Don't Laugh. It Doesn't Work Coming Out Of My Mouth So It's Like They Taught Me 'don't Do That. Don't Go That Way Or You'll Lose Me.'

I Went Whale Watching Once. It Was Very Similar To Watching People On A Boat Become Disappointed.

Having A Beard Is A Good Way To Make Your Face More Susceptible To Velcro.

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I Don't Want To Be My Own Boss. I Want To Be My Own Colleague.

I Keep A Lighter In My Back Pocket All The Time. I'm Not A Smoker, I Just Really Like Certain Songs.

I Was Eating Some Candy And Looked On The Wrapper, And It Said Made From Natural And Artificial Flavors. You Could Just Say Flavors.

The Easiest Time To Add Insult To Injury Is When You're Signing Somebody's Cast.

Insult To Injury

A Musical Is The Same As A Burlap Sack, I Would Not Want To Be In Either

My Credit Card Company Says I Have An Outstanding Balance. I'm Flattered.

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I Like People, For A Little While.

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A Know-it-all Is A Person Who Knows Everything Except For How Annoying He Is.

A Jerk On A Motorcycle Is Equal To A Leaf, Because I Find It Beautiful When These Things Fall.

If You Have A Lip Ring Try Hanging Some Tiny Keys From It. This Will Make You Look Even More Interesting.

I Need To Develop Some Patience - Immediately.

You Always Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. You Never Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. The Problem Is, You Have A Non-wolf Imparting Wolf Teachings.

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Four Agreements

I Think One Of The Most Groundbreaking Inventions Of All Time Is The Jackhammer.

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Never Forget Where You Came From. That's What I Think When I Walk Into A Cave.

Rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks.

I Think They Should Put Pies On The Fronts Of Trains, So That When They Hit Something It's At Least A Little Bit Funny.

They Should Call Fishing What It Really Is... Tricking And Killing!

I Got Into Stand Up Just To Do Stand Up Because I Love Stand Up.

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A Good Name For A Gang Would Be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

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I Want To Launch A Globe Into Space Just To Mess With The Astronauts.

100% Of The People Who Give 110% Do Not Understand Math.

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Once I Started To Look I Finally Began To See.

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Clowns Have No Respect For Pie.

Whenever I Investigate A Smell, I Find That The Answer Is Always Bad. It's Never: 'what Is That? *sniff* Muffins!'

When You Have A Fat Friend There Are No See-saws, Only Catapults.

I Can Move Objects With My Mind, If I Use My Hands.

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When I Am Given A Multiple Choice Test I Choose Not To Take It.

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I Wish My Name Started With A Comma. That Would Be So Dramatic.

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A Human Head Looks The Least Scary When It Is Attached.

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Most Stick People Are Black.

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I Love Bowling Almost As Much As I Love Not Bowling.

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When They Were Naming Vitamins They Must Have Thought There Were Going To Be Way More Vitamins Than There Ended Up Being. Ok Let's Name These: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... Ok Man Slow Down We've Got A Lot To Cover Here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then They Got To E And They Were Like 'we're Pretty Much Done. We've Got All Those Damn B's. This Is Embarrassing. Let's Just Skip To K And Get The Hell Out Of Here.

I Believe In Empathy. When Religion Provides That For People, It's The Best Thing In The World.

My Original Goal Was Just To Do Stand-up But Then I Became Interested In Films - Writing A Film, Shooting One Someday, And Getting To Act In Them.

You Need An Audience To Help You Figure Out What's Working And What's Worth Putting On Your Album Or Your Special - Or Even Just What's Worth Touring With.

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks. By The Fourth Week, I Found It Tedious. I Got Bored And Grew Restless. I Had No Other Plan For A Job, Because From Seventh Grade On, I Had Planned On Law. So I Shifted My Focus From Classes To Extracurricular Activities.

The Key To Life Is Balance, Especially If You Are On A Ledge.

I'm Always Excited To Try Something I Haven't Done.

To Make Even Fewer Friends Try Talking About Politics As Much As You Talk About Yourself.

Usually My Favorite Joke Is Whichever Joke I Most Recently Came Up With That Surprised Me The First Time I Thought Of It.

A Refrigerator Is The Opposite Of A Drug Addict, Because A Refrigerator Starts In A Box And Then Moves To A House.

Man Versus Woman Equals Fun. Man Versus Man Equals Gay. Woman Versus Woman Equals Awesome. Man Versus Pillow Equals Crazy. Pillow Versus Pillow Equals Crazy Awesome - That's A Real Pillow Fight Right There. You See Two Pillows Fighting, You Know Something's Going Down. They're Designed For Relaxation. If They're Fighting, What Hope Do We Have? One Time I Saw Two Geese Fighting, And I Was Like, 'this Is A Pillow Fight Ahead Of Time.

I Think They Named The Orange Before The Carrot.

I Just Started Doing This One-man Show, And I Wanted To Be Able To Score It, So I Bought A Guitar, And Got A Keyboard And Got A Harmonica. I Remember When I Started That I Didn't Understand Why A Harmonica Had Different Letters On Them.

I Can Tell How Lonely I Am By How Easily I'm Fooled By A Mannequin In A Store.

There Are Two Kinds Of Jackets - Reversible, And Reversible But It's Hard To Zipper Up And It Looks Really Stupid.

Game, Set, Match Equals Tennis. Set, Match, Run Equals Arson.

A Lot Of People Like Lollipops. I Don't Like Lollipops. To Me, A Lollipop Is Hard Candy Plus Garbage. I Don't Need A Handle. Just Give Me The Candy.

Stand Up Is Really Fun Because If I Think Of A Joke Or A Funny Idea, Then I Can Just Go And Tell Some People And If They Laugh, They Laugh Right Away.

When I Stub My Toe It's Like I Pressed A Button That Plays All The Curse Words I Know.

I Think Cats Would Have An Even Worse Attitude If They Found Out How Stupid Their Names Were.

I Can Always Tell How Stupid Someone Is By How Certain They Are About What They're Saying.

I Think There Are So Many Little Hurdles And Impediments With Stand-up That You'd Need To Have This Insane Desire To Do It If You Didn't Have Something That Clicked Right Away.

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I Learned This Summer That Peeing In The Pool And Peeing Into The Pool Are Very Different Things. Location, Location, Location.

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Making A Connection With A Stranger, But Then It Turns Out I'm Not. Like, I Was In A Mall, And I Saw This Lady Hitting Her Kid. So I Went Up To Her, And I Was Like, "yeah, Get Him!" She Got All Mad At Me. I Was Like, "i'm On Your Side Here."

I Like "rock, Paper, Scissors Two-thirds." You Know. "rock Breaks Scissors." "these Scissors Are Bent. They're Destroyed. I Can't Cut Stuff. So I Lose." "scissors Cuts Paper." "these Are Strips. This Is Not Even Paper. It's Gonna Take Me Forever To Put This Back Together." "paper Covers Rock." "rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks." There Should Be "rock, Dynamite With A Cutable Wick, Scissors."

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I Remember When I Used To Be Really Into Nostalgia.

I Like Stand-up. But I'd Also Like A Family And House And A Yard. I Want To Work With A Lot Of People, Have Colleagues; And On Good Film Sets, There's People There That Work With The Same People For Years And Years. I Love That Collaborative Spirit In That Medium. Comedy Is A Lot More Solitary.

You Can Make A Very Heavy And Kind Of Dangerous 3-way Shot Glass Out Of A Bowling Ball.

Nothing Wise Was Ever Printed Upon An Apron.

When I Dropped Out [from A Law School], Everybody Was Disappointed... But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom. Before That, I Never Realized How Much I Sought Other People's Approval. Once I Figured That Out, I Was Free To Move On And Seek The Approval Of Other People, In Comedy Clubs And Showbiz Meetings.

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If You Want To Dry Hump Someone You Don't Know, Just Act Like They Were Choking.

I Am What I Eat. And I Am This Especially When I Bite My Nails.

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I Love Motor Learning Because It's Very Basic And Primal. A Lot Of What I Like To Learn Correlates With The Opposite Of What Gets You Laid. I Can Ride A Unicycle And I Can Juggle. These Are Unimpressive Things To Know.

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When People Show Me Pictures Of Their Kids, It's Okay. But When I Give Them A Picture Of Me, To Show To Their Kids, I'm Weird. What Kind Of One Way Street Is That?

I Am A Man. And I Am Former Baby And A Future Skeleton, And I Am A Distant Future Pile Of Dust.

I'd Love To Win Trophies, Be In Movies, Have A Body Of Work I'm Proud Of And Find A Way To Enjoy It Along The Way. Success Is Probably A More Of A Complicated Thing Than That.

To Me, Comedy Is A Game.

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Employee Of The Month Is A Good Example Of How Somebody Can Be Both A Winner And A Loser At The Same Time.

It Would Be Interesting If Elvis Were Reincarnated As An Elvis Impersonator.

The Chances Of Someone Who Looks Like Jesus Having Pot Raises Steadily, To A Point. If The Guy Is On A Cross You May Have The Wrong Guy.

Our Times, A Brief History: As Televisions Became Flatter, People Became Rounder.

Americans Who Do Not Celebrate Independence Day: Pets.

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I Bought A Cactus. A Week Later It Died. And I Got Depressed, Because I Thought, Damn. I Am Less Nurturing Than A Desert.

Canoe Plus Waterfall Equals I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

I Like To Stand Near Atm Machines, And When Somebody Types In Their Pin Number, I Go, 'got It!' And Then I Run Away.

I Saw A Door That Said Exit Only. So I Entered Through It And Went Up To The Guy Working There And Said "i Have Good News. You Have Severely Underestimated That Door Over There. By Like A Hundred Percent."

Okay, So, When I Was A Kid, Definitely The Drawings And The Illustration. Then I Stopped In Sixth Grade Or So. And Then I Started Again When I Was In My Twenties. I Really Didn't Progress Since Then, So The Way I Draw Is The Way I Drew In Sixth Grade.

It Turns Out Dentists Don't Like It Very Much When You Show Up For A Cleaning In Full Vampire Gear.

I Live In New York And There Are A Lot Of Famous... Pizzerias In My Neighborhood, It's Really Hard To Find One That Isn't Famous. Which Sucks Sometimes, You Know What I Mean, Sometimes I Don't Want All That Glitz And Glamour, I Just Want Something Delicious, You Know? I Don't Need A Celebrity In My Mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza Would Be Fine.

If I Ever Saw An Amputee Getting Hanged, I'd Probably Just Start Calling Out Letters.

A Dreamcatcher Works, If Your Dream Is To Be Gay.

But What I Was Going To Say Was, I Just Figured I'm Going To Go Boldly In The Direction Of My Dreams, Say It As Thoreau Would Say, And Just See Where It Takes Me.

I Was Watching Mtv And There Were Girls Dancing In Suspended Cages. That Would Be An Ambivalent Situation: "i'm Trapped! ...but Enjoying The Music".

Surprise Parties Are Strange 'cause People Jump Up And They Yell The Word, 'surprise' At The Party. I Came Home And You Emerged From My Furniture. You Don't Have To Tell Me How To Feel. I Don't Need A Hint.

I Want To Get The Joke To Work Without Having To Put Any Words Or To Say Anything. I Just Want The Person To Look At It, And Quietly In Their Brain, They Can Just Put It Together And Say, "cool, That One Works".

If You Are Wearing A Bandana You Better Have Something Wise To Say, Because You Are Starting With A Credibility Deficit.

If You Drink Enough Beer, Everything Turns In To A Bed.

Leave No Stone Unturned In Your Quest To Disrupt A Rock Garden.

Parades Are Man's Attempt To Make Traffic Exciting.

I Know About Woodstock Probably As Much As Your Average Person Who Is Over 30, Where I'd Know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

My Favorite Fruit Is Grapes. Because With Grapes, You Always Get Another Chance. 'cause, You Know, If You Have A Crappy Apple Or A Peach, You're Stuck With That Crappy Piece Of Fruit. But If You Have A Crappy Grape, No Problem - Just Move On To The Next. 'grapes: The Fruit Of Hope.'

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A Car Alarm Is A Way For A Car To Tell Everyone That Its Owner Is An Asshole.

I Used To Get Bummed Out When It Rained; Then I Realized That It's God's Way Of Washing Off Hippies.

I've Learned Something On The Road, Traveling Around: State Shapes. The Easier It Is To Draw The Shape Of The State, The Harder It Is To Live In That State. So, If You Live In A Regular Polygon, Get The Hell Outta There. You Gotta Move To A Squiggly Area. Culture's Attracted To Squiggles.

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We Do Not Allow Dwarf Tossing. If You Toss A Dwarf, The Dwarf Will Be Tossed Right Back At You, But Faster.

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