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I Remember When I Used To Be Really Into Nostalgia.

-Demetri Martin

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I Remember When I

Demetri Martin

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I Remember When I Used To Be Really Into Nostalgia.

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I Would Like To Have Windshield Wipers That Do The Whole Windshield, Please.

I Have Never Been In A Bad Mood And Near A Beach Ball At The Same Time. Causation? Correlation? Or Fate?

I Used To Get Bummed Out When It Rained; Then I Realized That It's God's Way Of Washing Off Hippies.

Mosquito Bites Jesus, Receives Communion.

You Need An Audience To Help You Figure Out What's Working And What's Worth Putting On Your Album Or Your Special - Or Even Just What's Worth Touring With.

Stand Up Is Really Fun Because If I Think Of A Joke Or A Funny Idea, Then I Can Just Go And Tell Some People And If They Laugh, They Laugh Right Away.

When I First Heard The Term 'training Bra,' I Was Freaked Out. I Was Pretty Young And I Said, 'did You Just Say Training Bra? They're Training Their Chests? I Had No Idea.' See Some Lady, Her Boobs Are Everywhere. 'what's Her Deal?' Those Are Untrained Titties.

I Always Wanted To Do A Movie, Because I Love The Movies. They Give You A Chance To Have An Intimacy With Your Audience That Is Different From Stand Up. With Movies, You Can Bring The Audience In With A Close Up, And Emote In A Different Way.

I Just Listen To So Much Music That I Like The Role Music Can Play In Scoring Something. I'm Not Doing Song Parodies Or Funny Songs, I'm Just Adding Some Music To My Words. So It's Limited And Specific, But As A Performer I Find It Pretty Enjoyable.

The Other Night I Was Playing Twister With Some Amputees.

What's This About Rice Milk? I Didn't Even Know Rice Had Nipples!

100% Of The People Who Give 110% Do Not Understand Math.

Sometimes, When Something Really Great Happens To Me, I Like To Wait Two Weeks Before I Tell Anyone About It, Because I Like To Use The Word 'fortnight'.

I Like To Stand Near Atm Machines, And When Somebody Types In Their Pin Number, I Go, 'got It!' And Then I Run Away.

As Soon As I Jumped Out Of The Airplane, I Realized I Had Forgotten My Parachute. Thank God We Were Still On The Runway.

The Bird, The Bee, The Running Child Are All The Same To The Sliding Glass Door.

Reality Is A Concept That Depends Largely Upon Where You Point Your Face.

When Someone Asks You The Question 'are You Ticklish' It Doesn't Matter If You Say Yes Or No, Cause They're Going To Touch You. If Someone Asks If You're Ticklish And You Don't Want To Be Touched You Should Something Like 'i Have Diarrhea, Now Don't Touch Me Cause You'll Make It Come Out... And Yes I'm Very Ticklish'.

I Tend To Avoid Televisions, Politics, And Places With Velvet Ropes.

The Difference Between A Child's Toy And An Adult Toy Is: Location, Location, Location.

A Human Head Looks The Least Scary When It Is Attached.

Most Stick People Are Black.

If You Really Think About It, Hitting The Snooze Button In The Morning Doesn't Even Make Sense. It's Like Saying, 'i Hate Getting Up In The Morning-so I Do It Over... And Over... And Over Again.'

My Friend Asked Me I Ever Swam With Dolphins. I Was Like, 'yeah, Of Course. What Distance Are We Talking About From The Dolphins? Because The Last Time I Was In The Ocean, I'm Pretty Sure I Swam With Most Of Them.'

I Got Myself A Really Nice Nib Pen, With Like 15 Kinds Of India Ink, And Tons Of Different Nibs; I Think I Was Just Procrastinating, Like, Once I Have The Right Nib, The Book Is Just Going To Jump Right Out Of My Fingertips... But Then It Just Ended Up Looking Like The Shitty Drawings That I Usually Do.

How Fast Does A Zebra Have To Run Before It Looks Gray.

Whenever I Throw Caution To The Wind I Make Sure I'm Facing The Right Way So That It Doesn't Blow Back And Hit Me In My Face.

Statistics Indicate That The Average American Is A Guy Named Brian Who Lives In Ohio.

How To Be A Bouncer: Be An Asshole; Stand Near A Door.

A Wednesday With No Rain Is A Dry Hump Day.

I Am Completely Attracted To The Idea Of Simplicity, Or At Least Removing Things That Seem Unnecessary When Trying To Get An Idea Out There.

To Get Strangers To Hate You Even Faster, Crank Up The Volume On That Very Interesting Ringtone Of Yours.

Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

I'm In A Weird Position, Because I Like Rainbows, But I'm Not Gay. So Whenever I Go Out Wearing A Rainbow Shirt, I Have To Put "not Gay." But I'm Not Against Gays, So Under That I'll Have To Put "... But Supportive." It's Weird How One Group Of People Took Refracted Light. That's Very Greedy, Gays.

When I Was A Kid, I Always Wanted To Live In California Because I Liked Skateboarding.

A Squirrel Is The Same As A Can, When There's A Bb Gun In My Hand. Can't You See That I Am Just A Man? With Distinctions... And Comparisons.

I Don't Usually Fly In First Class, But I Fart In First Class.

It's Thursday And It Really Feels Like A Thursday. Sometimes Things Just Work Out.

The Boomerang Is Australia's Chief Export (and Then Import).

Futon World - A Wonderful Place That Becomes Slowly Less Comfortable Over Time.

Clowns Have No Respect For Pie.

I Never Give Anyone Just One Congratulation. Congratulations Are Always Plural. They Are Similar To Grapes.

Congratulations

I Like Video Games, But They're Really Violent. I'd Like To Play A Video Game Where You Help The People Who Were Shot In All The Other Games. It'd Be Called 'really Busy Hospital.

I Was Thinking How Strange It Is That Water Is One Of The Best, Simplest Things On This Planet, And Still With A Simple Glass Of Water You Can Neutralize So Many Of The Greatest Technological Advances That We Provide. Like With My Blackberry, I Can Get In Touch With So Many People, But If I Dip It In A Small Glass Of Water I'm Completely Disconnected.

I've Never Read An Article Of Clothing.

Regarding The Marching Band: How Much More Interesting It Would Be To See A Creeping Band.

But What I Was Going To Say Was, I Just Figured I'm Going To Go Boldly In The Direction Of My Dreams, Say It As Thoreau Would Say, And Just See Where It Takes Me.

They Say That Structure Is Freedom, And In A Sense It Is. When You're Dealing With Multiple Constraints, You Have To Figure Out What You Can Get Out Of That.

99.99% Of All Castles In America Are Located In Fish Tanks.

I Think As A Performer, It Can Be Really Great To Stand On Stage, Especially When You Have More Time, But I Do Think About The Specific People In The Audience, How It's Hard For Them To Get Up And Go To The Bathroom, How They Chose Not To Do Other Things That Night And Have Turned Off Their Phones And Everything. So For That Reason, I Think It's Necessary To Mix It Up And Talk To The Audience.

I Was In My Friends Garage, And He Had; A Kite, A Yo-yo, And A Boomerang. I Was Like "dude, You Have Abandonment Issues"

There Are Two Kinds Of Jackets - Reversible, And Reversible But It's Hard To Zipper Up And It Looks Really Stupid.

Everything I Ever Learned I Was Told By Someone Else.

Another Term For Balloon Is Bad Breath Holder.

I Think One Of The Most Groundbreaking Inventions Of All Time Is The Jackhammer.

I Was Stuck In Traffic And I Looked In The Mirror And In The Car Behind Me There Was A Couple Having A Horrible Argument And Right Below Their Image It Said "objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I Just Thought, Man I Hope So Because She Was Pretty Mad.

If You Drink Enough Beer, Everything Turns In To A Bed.

A Power Nap, Is When You Sleep On Someone Who's Weaker Than You

I Love Women, But I Feel Like You Can't Trust Some Of Them. Some Of Them Are Liars, You Know? Like I Was In The Park And I Met This Girl, She Was Cute And She Had A Dog. And I Went Up To Her, We Started Talking. She Told Me Her Dog's Name. Then I Said, 'does He Bite?' She Said, 'no.' And I Said, 'oh Yeah? Then How Does He Eat?' Liar.

I Learned This Summer That Peeing In The Pool And Peeing Into The Pool Are Very Different Things. Location, Location, Location.

Sometimes If I Really Want To Get Someone's Attention, I'll Start A Sentence With Something Like, "i'm Not Racist, But..." I Say, "i'm Not Racist, But You Look Great Today." They Say, "that Wasn't Racist At All." I Said, "i Know. I Said I'm Not Racist. You Never Listen. Typical Mexican."

I Just Started Doing This One-man Show, And I Wanted To Be Able To Score It, So I Bought A Guitar, And Got A Keyboard And Got A Harmonica. I Remember When I Started That I Didn't Understand Why A Harmonica Had Different Letters On Them.

I Wonder If There Were Any Goths In Gothic Times. They're Like: You Look Completely Appropriate. You Don't Look Stupid Or Lonely At All.

I'm A Body Builder, But I Don't Use Weights. I Use Snacks. It's Kind Of A Different Building Process.

I'm A Producer On My Show, Which Is Great, But It's Also Kind Of A Mixed Blessing Because There's So Much Responsibility. Everything Is A Decision. You Have To Worry About The Money, You Have To Worry About Daylight, Who We're Going To Cast And If This Location Doesn't Work Out, What Are We Going To Do?

You Can Say 'thanks,' And You Can Say 'thanks A Million' - But Any Number In Between?

I Was Watching Mtv And There Were Girls Dancing In Suspended Cages. That Would Be An Ambivalent Situation: "i'm Trapped! ...but Enjoying The Music".

I Think Cats Would Have An Even Worse Attitude If They Found Out How Stupid Their Names Were.

I Bought A Dictionary. First Thing I Did Was, I Looked Up The Word "dictionary", And It Said "you're An Asshole".

One Thing You Never Hear Is "man That Guy Is Good At Badminton".

Planning Trip Around The Globe, That Is In My Room.

I Am A Comedian But It's Usually Not A Compliment To Be Called A Prop Comedian But I Guess I Sometimes Use Props. And I Always Confuse Humorist With Comedian. That's Strange.

When Someone Describes Themself As A Taxpayer, They're About To Be An Asshole.

I Am A Man. And I Am Former Baby And A Future Skeleton, And I Am A Distant Future Pile Of Dust.

When I Stub My Toe It's Like I Pressed A Button That Plays All The Curse Words I Know.

And As Far As Actors Go, Peter Sellers Is My All-time Favorite.

The Problem With My Balloon Collection Is That People Always Think There's A Party. Settle Down. It's Not A Party. It's Just Balloons.

Man Versus Woman Equals Fun. Man Versus Man Equals Gay. Woman Versus Woman Equals Awesome. Man Versus Pillow Equals Crazy. Pillow Versus Pillow Equals Crazy Awesome - That's A Real Pillow Fight Right There. You See Two Pillows Fighting, You Know Something's Going Down. They're Designed For Relaxation. If They're Fighting, What Hope Do We Have? One Time I Saw Two Geese Fighting, And I Was Like, 'this Is A Pillow Fight Ahead Of Time.

Game, Set, Match Equals Tennis. Set, Match, Run Equals Arson.

Batteries Are The Most Dramatic Object. Other Things Stop Working Or They Break, But Batteries... They Die.

It Would Be Interesting If Elvis Were Reincarnated As An Elvis Impersonator.

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Making A Connection With A Stranger, But Then It Turns Out I'm Not. Like, I Was In A Mall, And I Saw This Lady Hitting Her Kid. So I Went Up To Her, And I Was Like, "yeah, Get Him!" She Got All Mad At Me. I Was Like, "i'm On Your Side Here."

You Are Ten Times More Likely To Get Hit By A Car When The Driver Is Aiming For You.

If Only Loud People Were Even Half As Interesting As They Think They Are.

I Didn't Do Improv In College, I Never Performed, I Didn't Do Theater Either. I Was In Student Government, I Was A History Major.

You Get Really Disillusioned, Because You Thought You Were In Love. But You Realize That You're Just Alone.

I Don't Like Thank You Cards Because I Don't Know What Else To Say. What Do I Put On The Inside? See Front.

I Think There's A Difference Between Making Comedy And Reporting Comedy. When You're A Joke Teller You Can Easily Fall Into The Second, You Can Show Up And Just Say The Jokes.

A Lot Of Things Look Cooler In Slow Motion. Eating Isn't One Of Them.

I Love Steven Wright. I Was In High School In The '80s, And There Was A Lot Of Stand Up On Television.

I Saw A Dog Wearing A Sweater And I Thought That Looked Ridiculous 'cause Dogs Don't Have Arms. If You're Going To Put Clothes On The Dog, You Should Put Two Pairs Of Pants On It.

I Saw A Sign That Said, 'watch For Children.' I Was Like, 'that Sounds Like A Fair Trade - Especially If They're Crappy Kids.'

We Do Not Allow Dwarf Tossing. If You Toss A Dwarf, The Dwarf Will Be Tossed Right Back At You, But Faster.

Canoe Plus Waterfall Equals I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

Having A Beard Is A Good Way To Make Your Face More Susceptible To Velcro.

I Love Steven Wright.

Usually My Favorite Joke Is Whichever Joke I Most Recently Came Up With That Surprised Me The First Time I Thought Of It.

It Is Interesting That The Black Bmw Is The Preferred Car Of So Many Assholes.

It's Very Easy To Turn A Toy Into An Adult Toy: Location, Location, Location.

I Wanna Make A Jigsaw Puzzle That's 40,000 Pieces. And When You Finish It, It Says 'go Outside.'

If You Stretched The Average Person's Intestines Out From End To End, It Would Make Them Scream A Lot.

A Cool Tattoo Design Is Any Drawing That Would Also Look Good Saggy.

As A Creative Person, You Want To Have A Foothold And Sense Of Progress.

At The Battle Of The Bands The Loser's Always The Audience.

It's Weird To Make A Decision Where Everyone In Your Life Disapproves, Pretty Vocally And Directly. They Said, "you've Got One Year Left. Just Do It." I Had A Full Scholarship So I Didn't Have To Pay For It. They Asked, "why Don't You Just Get The Degree So You Can Have It?" And I Said, "you Don't Understand. I Was Trying To Figure Out What I Wanted To Do And Now I Know. I Have The Answer And It's Dumb To Waste Any More Time."

One Thing I Learned Is That It's Never Ok To Walk Through A Cemetery Dressed As A Mummy - Even If That Was A Shortcut On The Way To The Costume Party.

It's Interesting To Be An Adult And To Have That Level Of Ignorance About Something, Because The Nice Part About Is You Get That Discovery. The Learning Curve Is So Rich And Steep.

I Think Since I Was Kid People Told Me That They Thought I Was Funny.

I Remember When I Used To Be Really Into Nostalgia.

Multi-choice Question: My Dishwasher Is: Efficient; Hilarious.

It's Weird The Way "finger Puppet" Sounds Okay As A Noun... Ladies.

I've Met A Few People Who Were Passive-aggressive, But I've Never Met Anyone Who Was Aggressive-passive. I Don't Want Tacos! Maybe.

If I Have To Move Up In A Building, I Choose The Elevator Over The Escalator. Because One Time I Was Riding The Escalator And I Tripped. I Fell Down The Stairs For An Hour And A Half.

I Think It's Interesting That Cologne Rhymes With Alone.

Right Before I'm About To Talk At Length About Something I Like I Say, Get Me Started.

When I Am Holding A Water Balloon, So Many Things Look So Unnecessarily Dry.

I'm Not A Lawmaker, But I Was Thinking That If You Have A Really Loud Ring Tone, Maybe You Should Be Stabbed In The Ear?

Stand-up Is Like A Row Boat: It's Fun And Romantic When You're Choosing To Do It. But If You Have No Other Choice Than To Be In A Row Boat It's Not As Enjoyable; That's Survival.

I Am Bravery. I Am Courage. I Am Valor. I Am Daring. I Am Holding A Thesaurus.

I've Often Liked A Girl, Made Her Laugh, And Thought She Liked Me, And Then Found Out That She Didn't Like Me That Way. I've Definitely Done Time In The Friend Zone.

I Got Into Stand Up Just To Do Stand Up Because I Love Stand Up.

I Wonder If, As A Society, We Will Ever Be Able To Call Someone A Jive Tofurkey.

Cottonballs Are An Example Of Something I'd Want To Buy, But Not Have As A Nickname.

I Was Seeing This Girl And She Wanted To Get More Serious. But I Wasn't Ready To, I Had Just Gotten Out Of A Difficult Relationship Before That. So I Said To Her, 'listen, You Have To Understand Something. Relationships Are Like Eyebrows. It's Better When There's A Space Between Them.' And That's Coming From A Greek Guy.

They Should Call Fishing What It Really Is... Tricking And Killing!

I Think It's Cool When An Ex-girlfriend Becomes An Xl Girlfriend.

The Question Is, 'how Bad At Sports Were You As A Kid?' I Grew Up Near Where They Film Jersey Shore. If You Weren't Tan, Muscular, And Book-averse, You Were A Dork And A Nerd And A Geek And Stuff. I Remember Being Into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

There's A Saying That Goes, 'people Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones.' Ok. How About, 'nobody Should Throw Stones'? That's Crappy Behavior. My Policy Is, 'no Stone Throwing Regardless Of Housing Situation.

There Are Very Few Songs About Just Liking Someone As A Friend.

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks. By The Fourth Week, I Found It Tedious. I Got Bored And Grew Restless. I Had No Other Plan For A Job, Because From Seventh Grade On, I Had Planned On Law. So I Shifted My Focus From Classes To Extracurricular Activities.

I Wanna Buy A Bunch Of Hermit Crabs And Make Them Live Together.

I Equals All Of The Ifs Added Up Over Time. The Ifs, Those Are The Possibilities; That's Infinite For All Of Us. Every Day There Are Just Millions Of Them. Time, That's Finite For Each Of Us; There Is No Question There. Maybe If You Divide Choices By The Amount Of Time You Have, The Real I Can Emerge, Depending Upon Those Choices.

You Mock Those Who Blindly Follow The Majority...turn Your Attention Now To Those Who Are So Dedicated To Deviating From The Norm That They Would Gladly Cease Breathing If It Were Suggested To Them That Inhalation Was A Form Of Conformity; For They Deserve Just As Much Scrutiny And Ridicule.

Specifically In Stand-up, I Love Jokes. I Love Short, Structured Ideas And A Punchline.

Sometimes Heckling Can Almost Help A Set, Because It Ratchets Up The Tension In The Room... Can Even Bring Things To A Climax.

Yes" Actually Means "no" 100% Of The Time, When The Question Is "can I Give You Some Advice?

Last Week I Lost My Temper In My Karate Class. Man, I'm Not Doing That Again Until I'm A Black Belt. Because I Can Tell You There's A Difference Between Taking Karate And Receiving Karate.

When I Used To Go On The Wikipedia Page, And I Haven't Gone On The Page In A While, There Used To Be Some Guy Who Was Doing My Page And He Would Say That He Was My Cousin And I Was Going To Be Doing Projects With Him. I Don't Know Who This Person Is And I Don't Have A Cousin By This Name And This Person Keeps Saying That They're Doing Projects With Me. It's So Weird.

Now I Got A Time Machine At Home. It Only Goes Foreword At Regular Speed. It's Essentially A Cardboard Box And On The Outside I Wrote Time Machine In Sharpie.

My Policy Is 'no Stone Throwing Regardless Of Housing Situation.'

I Am Sometimes Referred To As Excuse Me In An Annoyed Tone Of Voice, Because Apparently I Am In The Way. I Am So Sorry. I Am Supposed To Be Some Sort Of Mind Reader, I Guess. I Am Moving Out Of The Way Now As Slowly As I Possibly Can. I Am Doing This And There's Nothing You Can Do About It.

The Comedians I Liked Were Bill Cosby And Steven Wright, Like Just Always As A Comedic Actor. I Always Liked Gary Larson, Who's Really Funny For A Cartoonist, Obviously.

Skiing Is My Favorite Sport, Because, That's The Only Sport That Is Actually Better To Watch The Worst The Person Is At It. "that Guy Won A Gold Medal In The Olympics" "oh Yeah, That's Cool, I Wanna Watch The Fat Guy" "come On Dude, You Can Take That Hill"

The Definition Of Adventure Depends Upon How Boring Your Life Is.

The Reason You Often Get In Comedy Is Because You're Not Getting Laid.

I Think Hair Gel Was Invented To Make It Easier To Identify Assholes From A Distance.

I Started Being A Comedy Fan When I Was, I'm Going To Guess, Like 5 Or 6 Years Old.

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks.

After Going Through Years Of Litigation To Get Royalties Due To Him, The Guy Who Coined The Term 'happily Ever After' Lived Reasonably Well For A While.

When I Am At Rodeo I Find It Difficult Not To Root For The Animals.

If You Happen To Catch On Fire During The Show, Do Not Panic Or Wave Your Arms Around Or Scream Or We Wil Give Something To Panic And Wave You Arms Around And Scream About.

A Musical Is The Same As A Burlap Sack, I Would Not Want To Be In Either

The Earth Without Art Is Just Eh.

If You Want To Dry Hump Someone You Don't Know, Just Act Like They Were Choking.

I Think That When You Get Dressed In The Morning, Sometimes You're Really Making A Decision About Your Behavior For The Day. Like If You Put On Flipflops, You're Saying: 'hope I Don't Get Chased Today.' 'be Nice To People In Sneakers.'

But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom.

I Was A Good Student When I Was A Kid, And I Did Everything I Was Supposed To Do, And I Got A's.

Whenever I Try To Spell 'banana,' I Feel Stupid Because I Don't Know When To End It.

I Walk Around And Think About Things. When I Come Across A Thought That Makes Me Laugh, I Write It Down. Then, At Night, I Say The Thought To People Through A Microphone. I Don't Think About Politics Or Pop Culture Very Much, So Those Thoughts Don't Often Make It To The Microphone.

I Don't Know What The Long Form Of Ok Is. I Wanna Think It's Okie Dokie. 'i'm Okie Dokie. I'm A Little Shaken Up, But I'm Okie Dokie.' 'the Good News Is, She's Okie Dokie. The Surgery Went Fine.'

I Think A Bad Place For A Fire Would Be The Factory Where They Make Those Trick Candles.

Halloween: The Day Each Year When Strangers Give You Even More Specific Reasons To Dislike Them Based On What They Are Wearing.

A Parade Looks Like A Bunch Of People Are Excited About Being In Traffic.

To Look Like You Are A Real Sports Fan, When There Is A Game On Tv Just Yell, Oh, Come On! Every Now And Then At The Tv.

I Was Making Pancakes The Other Day And A Fly Flew Into The Kitchen. And That's When I Realized That A Spatula Is A Lot Like A Fly-swatter. And A Crushed Fly Is A Lot Like A Blueberry. And A Roommate Is A Lot Like A Fly Eater.

The Digital Camera Is A Great Invention Because It Allows Us To Reminisce. Instantly.

For Me And Most Of My Friends Who Are Comedians, If You've Been Doing Comedy For A While, Your Tolerance For Things Actually Moves. I Find It Very Hard To Be Shocked, And When Other People Aggressively Take Offense To Something, I'm Sometimes Confused.

I Like To Go To Concerts Because I Love To See My Favorite Band Through The Phone Of The Asshole Who's Standing In Front Of Me.

You Always Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. You Never Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. The Problem Is, You Have A Non-wolf Imparting Wolf Teachings.

Everybody Knew That You Should Never Provoke A Rattlesnake, Much Less Tie It Into A Bow. But That Didn't Stop Judd. What Did Stop Him Was The Rattlesnake.

I'm So Secretive That When Someone Asks Me, Hey, Can You Keep A Secret? I Say That's None Of Your Business.

None Of Your Business

Count Your Blessings, But Not Out-loud, At The Top Of Your Lungs.

Count Your Blessings

There Is Also A Beast, A Beast Of Strange Dimensions. He Has The Head Of A Horse And The Body Of A Man Who Needs A Lot Of Attention. He Represents Me In College: I Was A Dork-ataur.

Conclusions Are Based In Time. We Live In Time. So Any Definition Of Success Is Bound Up With Time. With Other Things You Can Say, "can I Yo-yo? Can I Juggle?" Usually You Have A Pretty Small Window In Which To Get Your Answer. Stand-up Is Different. You Can't Do Stand-up For One Night And Say, "am I A Funny Stand-up Comedian?" In Two Months Or Two Years You'll Start To Realize It.

How Many Of You Are Creative? I Don't Know, But For Me, When You Make A Bunch Of Things Over Time And Then You Keep Them... You Forget. I Look Through My Sketchbooks And I'm An Audience For Myself.

History, Like Wallpaper, Repeats Itself And Can Also Make A Room Look Old-fashioned.

I Live In New York And There Are A Lot Of Famous... Pizzerias In My Neighborhood, It's Really Hard To Find One That Isn't Famous. Which Sucks Sometimes, You Know What I Mean, Sometimes I Don't Want All That Glitz And Glamour, I Just Want Something Delicious, You Know? I Don't Need A Celebrity In My Mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza Would Be Fine.

I Like "rock, Paper, Scissors Two-thirds." You Know. "rock Breaks Scissors." "these Scissors Are Bent. They're Destroyed. I Can't Cut Stuff. So I Lose." "scissors Cuts Paper." "these Are Strips. This Is Not Even Paper. It's Gonna Take Me Forever To Put This Back Together." "paper Covers Rock." "rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks." There Should Be "rock, Dynamite With A Cutable Wick, Scissors."

Saying, 'i'm Sorry' Is The Same As Saying, 'i Apologize.' Except At A Funeral.

I Wasn't Even A Big Comedy Nerd. A Lot Of The Comedians I Know - A Lot Of My Friends Are Comedians - They Knew A Lot About Comedy Growing Up.

A Sports Bar Is A Way To Take A Bar And Fill It With Even More Annoying People Than Usual.

Palindromes Are The Number One Conversation Stopper, Like Party Killer, I Think I've Ever Seen.

This Is A Pie Chart About Procrastination.

Procrastination

If You Remove A Treehouse From A Tree, Than It's Just A Shitty House. Sometimes When I'm In A Shitty House, I Like To Imagine That It's In A Tree, Than It's Like Woah, This House Is Amazing.

I Never Set Out To Do A Sketch Show.

I Like Birthdays Because We Celebrate Life With Cakes. It's So Cool. Sometimes When I See A Baby, I'm Like That Much More Cake In The World. But Then When Someone Dies, I'm Like The Cake Streak Is Over.

I Bought A Cactus. A Week Later It Died. And I Got Depressed, Because I Thought, Damn. I Am Less Nurturing Than A Desert.

And My Only Rule Being If When I Wake In The Morning I'm Looking Forward To The Things That I Have To Do That Day, Then I'm On The Right Track.

Looking Forward

I Find That A Shirt Is Most Similar To A Napkin When I Don't Have A Napkin.

Your Mind Is Like A Sponge, In The Sense That It Would Come In Handy When Cleaning Off A Countertop Or Something Like That.

The Sofa Is The Enemy Of Productivity.

When I Dropped Out [from A Law School], Everybody Was Disappointed... But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom. Before That, I Never Realized How Much I Sought Other People's Approval. Once I Figured That Out, I Was Free To Move On And Seek The Approval Of Other People, In Comedy Clubs And Showbiz Meetings.

I Was Walking In The Park And This Guy Waved At Me. Then He Said, 'i'm Sorry, I Thought You Were Someone Else.' I Said, 'i Am.'

It's Always Helpful To Remember That In The Grand Scheme Of Things You Are Much More Important Than... Um, Wait, Than... Something, Maybe.

It Seems That Two Of The Most Basic Forms Of Comedy Are Jokes And Stories. And, Of Course, They Are Not Mutually Exclusive.

There Is Probably More Invisible Tape Out There Than We Realize.

One Of The Most Difficult And Ironic Murder Weapons Is The Life Jacket.

It Is A Little Ironic That One Thing A Babysitter Should Not Do Is Sit On A Baby.

Earrings Are The Same As Sneezes: Two Is Okay, But Ten In A Row Is Annoying. If You Have Two Then, God Bless You.

My Friend Says Touche Way Too Much. He's A Touche Bag.

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