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I Equals All Of The Ifs Added Up Over Time. The Ifs, Those Are The Possibilities; That's Infinite For All Of Us. Every Day There Are Just Millions Of Them. Time, That's Finite For Each Of Us; There Is No Question There. Maybe If You Divide Choices By The Amount Of Time You Have, The Real I Can Emerge, Depending Upon Those Choices.

-Demetri Martin

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I Equals All Of

Demetri Martin

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I Equals All Of The Ifs Added Up Over Time. The Ifs, Those Are The Possibilities; That's Infinite For All Of Us. Every Day There Are Just Millions Of Them. Time, That's Finite For Each Of Us; There Is No Question There. Maybe If You Divide Choices By The Amount Of Time You Have, The Real I Can Emerge, Depending Upon Those Choices.

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I Bought A Cactus. A Week Later It Died. And I Got Depressed, Because I Thought, Damn. I Am Less Nurturing Than A Desert.

I Like When People Wear A Wwjd Bracelet, Because It's Like An Example Of The First Thing Jesus Wouldn't Do, Probably.

Turtles Are Greater Than Baby Nephews, Because It's Ok To Drop A Turtle.

To Make Even Fewer Friends Try Talking About Politics As Much As You Talk About Yourself.

A Car Alarm Is A Way For A Car To Tell Everyone That Its Owner Is An Asshole.

To Get Strangers To Hate You Even Faster, Crank Up The Volume On That Very Interesting Ringtone Of Yours.

Thing To Try: If You Are Asked To Describe A Suspect To A Police Sketch Artist, Describe In Precise Detail, The Features Of The Police Sketch Artist. This Is One Of The Rare Instances Where Two People Can Do One Self-portrait.

If I Make My Window Ten Days For Stand-up, The Conclusion Is That I Failed And That I'm Not Good At Stand-up. If I Make It Ten Years - If I Just Wait - The Conclusion Might Be Something Totally Different. I Think It's So Cool To Do Things In Which You Discover The Malleability Of Your Own Mind.

I Am What I Eat. And I Am This Especially When I Bite My Nails.

For Some Reason Cowboy Sounds Better Than Cowman.

I Bought A Dictionary. First Thing I Did Was, I Looked Up The Word "dictionary", And It Said "you're An Asshole".

I Can Move Objects With My Mind, If I Use My Hands.

Planning Trip Around The Globe, That Is In My Room.

I Don't Know If I'll Ever Be A Master At Anything, But I Think That's A Mistake For Me Personally. I Don't Know How Much It's About The Journey, But It's More About The Process.

But Long Story Short, I Didn't Start Doing Stand-up Because I Wanted To Have A Tv Show Or Be An Actor Or Even Wanted To Write Sketch Comedy. I Got Into Stand-up Because I Love Stand-up.

Overheard Today In Restaurant: Can You Stop Listening To Our Conversation?

I Never Went Bungee Jumping. The Closest I Did Was I Was Born.

I've Often Liked A Girl, Made Her Laugh, And Thought She Liked Me, And Then Found Out That She Didn't Like Me That Way. I've Definitely Done Time In The Friend Zone.

You Need An Audience To Help You Figure Out What's Working And What's Worth Putting On Your Album Or Your Special - Or Even Just What's Worth Touring With.

I Like Digital Cameras, Because They Enable You To Reminisce Immediately.

When I Trip, I Feel Like That's The World Saying Come Here For A Second. It Just Pulls Me Closer For A Second, Yeah What Do You Want? I Just Want To Remind You That You're Uncoordinated. I'm Aware Of That, Thank You... Can I Go Now? Yeah, You Can Go, But Never Ever Try To Outrun Me. Ok, World, See You Later. Yeah, I'll See You In About 50 Years.

It Is A Little Ironic That One Thing A Babysitter Should Not Do Is Sit On A Baby.

Having A Beard Is A Good Way To Make Your Face More Susceptible To Velcro.

Specifically In Stand-up, I Love Jokes. I Love Short, Structured Ideas And A Punchline.

There Are Two Kinds Of Jackets - Reversible, And Reversible But It's Hard To Zipper Up And It Looks Really Stupid.

My Mind Says One Thing, But My Body Says Another. Thanks A Lot, Indian Food And Beer.

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways. Indeed. And A Shorter Way To Say That Is: God Is A Sneak.

I Bought A New Pair Of Pajamas With Pockets, Which Is Great, Cause Now I Don't Have To Hold Things When I Sleep.

I Feel So Fortunate To Be One Of The Lucky Ones Who Is So Grateful And Appreciative To Know Such Great Synonyms For Thankful.

I Was Making Pancakes The Other Day And A Fly Flew Into The Kitchen. And That's When I Realized That A Spatula Is A Lot Like A Fly-swatter. And A Crushed Fly Is A Lot Like A Blueberry. And A Roommate Is A Lot Like A Fly Eater.

I Like Playing Frisbee. It Is The Only Sport Where You Can Throw Something At A Person And It's Okay.

It Would Be Nice If People Said, God Bless You Not Just When You Sneezed But Also When You Farted.

I Equals All Of The Ifs Added Up Over Time. The Ifs, Those Are The Possibilities; That's Infinite For All Of Us. Every Day There Are Just Millions Of Them. Time, That's Finite For Each Of Us; There Is No Question There. Maybe If You Divide Choices By The Amount Of Time You Have, The Real I Can Emerge, Depending Upon Those Choices.

It Is Illegal To Yell “fire” In A Crowded Theater. If There Is A Fire, Please Yell Something Else Instead, Like “flames!” Or “smoke Maker!” Or “bad Hot!

I Was Walking In The Park And This Guy Waved At Me. Then He Said, 'i'm Sorry, I Thought You Were Someone Else.' I Said, 'i Am.'

I Think The Best Thing About Being Dumb Is That It Makes Magic A Lot Better. Where The Hell Did That Rat Come From? I Dunno, But I'm Calling The Cops Because He Just Cut That Lady In Half.

I Was Eating Some Candy And Looked On The Wrapper, And It Said Made From Natural And Artificial Flavors. You Could Just Say Flavors.

I Want To Get The Joke To Work Without Having To Put Any Words Or To Say Anything. I Just Want The Person To Look At It, And Quietly In Their Brain, They Can Just Put It Together And Say, "cool, That One Works".

I Think They Should Put Pies On The Fronts Of Trains, So That When They Hit Something It's At Least A Little Bit Funny.

The Shortest Feedback Loop I Can Think Of Is Doing Improvisation In Front Of An Audience.

I Saw A Transvestite Wearing A T-shirt That Said 'guess'.

I Like "rock, Paper, Scissors Two-thirds." You Know. "rock Breaks Scissors." "these Scissors Are Bent. They're Destroyed. I Can't Cut Stuff. So I Lose." "scissors Cuts Paper." "these Are Strips. This Is Not Even Paper. It's Gonna Take Me Forever To Put This Back Together." "paper Covers Rock." "rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks." There Should Be "rock, Dynamite With A Cutable Wick, Scissors."

I Learned This Summer That Peeing In The Pool And Peeing Into The Pool Are Very Different Things. Location, Location, Location.

Love Is, And I Hope It Never Isn't.

If You Happen To Catch On Fire During The Show, Do Not Panic Or Wave Your Arms Around Or Scream Or We Wil Give Something To Panic And Wave You Arms Around And Scream About.

It's Hard To Know What's Gay In Life. Boxing. That's Two Men Fighting Over A Belt.

Usually My Favorite Joke Is Whichever Joke I Most Recently Came Up With That Surprised Me The First Time I Thought Of It.

Brought To You By Raising Your Voice. The Next Best Thing To Being Right.

I Love Having An Open Seat Next To Me On The Train. What's Even Better Is When My Seat Is Open Too Because I Just Stayed Home.

And Of Course I Didn't Make Any Money From Stand Up For Years, So I Had Temp Jobs. That Was The Way I Made Money.

A Glove Is A Very Literal Looking Hand Puppet.

I Think There's A Difference Between Making Comedy And Reporting Comedy. When You're A Joke Teller You Can Easily Fall Into The Second, You Can Show Up And Just Say The Jokes.

Clowns Have No Respect For Pie.

I Like Birthdays. Every Time Someone Is Born, That's Just Like Bringing More Cake Into The World.

When A Couch Potato Is Sliced Up And Then Deep Fried That Is Couch French Fries.

A Couple Weeks Ago I Was On The Street And I Saw An Ugly Pregnant Lady, And I Just Thought, 'good For You.'

I Wish I Lived Next To Carnegie Hall. Then, If Someone Asked Me How To Get To My House, I Would Just Say 'practice, Practice, Practice, And Then Take A Left.'

My Original Goal Was Just To Do Stand-up But Then I Became Interested In Films - Writing A Film, Shooting One Someday, And Getting To Act In Them.

My Credit Card Company Says I Have An Outstanding Balance. I'm Flattered.

I Think There Are So Many Little Hurdles And Impediments With Stand-up That You'd Need To Have This Insane Desire To Do It If You Didn't Have Something That Clicked Right Away.

I Think A Lot Of Stuff I Find Funny Is From Day Dreaming.

When Watering Your Plants, Try To Talk To Them - Say Something Like, Hold It Right There And Then Shoot Them With Water Gun.

I Have Never Been In A Bad Mood And Near A Beach Ball At The Same Time. Causation? Correlation? Or Fate?

I Believe In Empathy. When Religion Provides That For People, It's The Best Thing In The World.

A Squirrel Is The Same As A Can, When There's A Bb Gun In My Hand. Can't You See That I Am Just A Man? With Distinctions... And Comparisons.

I Am A Man. And I Am Former Baby And A Future Skeleton, And I Am A Distant Future Pile Of Dust.

Futon World - A Wonderful Place That Becomes Slowly Less Comfortable Over Time.

I'm A Body Builder, But I Don't Use Weights. I Use Snacks. It's Kind Of A Different Building Process.

Usually, I Walk Around And Think About Things. When I Come Across A Thought That Makes Me Laugh, I Write It Down.

A Cool Tattoo Design Is Any Drawing That Would Also Look Good Saggy.

Right Before I'm About To Talk At Length About Something I Like I Say, Get Me Started.

The Easiest Time To Add Insult To Injury Is When You're Signing Somebody's Cast.

Insult To Injury

I Wanna Put Stickers On Turtles... I Don't Know Why.

If I Could Control The Behavior Of Fat Guys I Would Make Them Ride Mopeds More Often.

I'm A Producer On My Show, Which Is Great, But It's Also Kind Of A Mixed Blessing Because There's So Much Responsibility. Everything Is A Decision. You Have To Worry About The Money, You Have To Worry About Daylight, Who We're Going To Cast And If This Location Doesn't Work Out, What Are We Going To Do?

I Find That A Shirt Is Most Similar To A Napkin When I Don't Have A Napkin.

Okay, So, When I Was A Kid, Definitely The Drawings And The Illustration. Then I Stopped In Sixth Grade Or So. And Then I Started Again When I Was In My Twenties. I Really Didn't Progress Since Then, So The Way I Draw Is The Way I Drew In Sixth Grade.

When You're Wearing An Animal Costume And Something Bad Happens, Your Facial Expression Doesn't Change. The Animal Is Deadpan The Whole Time. If You're Skiing In A Gorilla Suit And You Fall, You Just See A Gorilla Who Has No Emotion. It's Just A Stoic Gorilla, Wildly Falling Down A Hill, Out Of Control.

History, Like Wallpaper, Repeats Itself And Can Also Make A Room Look Old-fashioned.

Glitter Is The Herpes Of Craft Supplies.

The Clothes Make The Man. The Children Working In Sweatshops Make The Clothes. Therefore, The Children Working In Sweatshops Make The Man.

I Have A Jar At Home, And I Put Pennies In It Whenever I Curse. The Other Day I Spilled The Jar. I Owe It About $25.

Leave No Stone Unturned In Your Quest To Disrupt A Rock Garden.

Regarding The Marching Band: How Much More Interesting It Would Be To See A Creeping Band.

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I Love Steven Wright.

Statistics Indicate That The Average American Is A Guy Named Brian Who Lives In Ohio.

I Think My Favorite Sound Is The Sound Of Someone Not Playing The Bongos.

I Like Stand-up. But I'd Also Like A Family And House And A Yard. I Want To Work With A Lot Of People, Have Colleagues; And On Good Film Sets, There's People There That Work With The Same People For Years And Years. I Love That Collaborative Spirit In That Medium. Comedy Is A Lot More Solitary.

Easy Way To Make Someone Sound Less Powerful, Just Put Dj In Front Of Their Name... ..dj Abraham Lincoln

Cotton Balls Is An Example Of Something I Would Buy, But Not Want To Have As A Nickname. Cinnamon Buns, On The Other Hand, Is Something I Would Buy And Want To Have As A Nickname. 'are You Cinnamon Buns?' 'you Bet Your Sweet Ass I Am.'

I Wanna Make A Jigsaw Puzzle That's 40,000 Pieces. And When You Finish It, It Says 'go Outside.'

I Love Steven Wright. I Was In High School In The '80s, And There Was A Lot Of Stand Up On Television.

The Question Is, 'how Bad At Sports Were You As A Kid?' I Grew Up Near Where They Film Jersey Shore. If You Weren't Tan, Muscular, And Book-averse, You Were A Dork And A Nerd And A Geek And Stuff. I Remember Being Into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

When I Look Up At The Clouds I See So Many Animals, Mostly Sheep Who Have Lost Their Limbs And Heads.

How Fast Does A Zebra Have To Run Before It Looks Gray.

My Friend Says Touche Way Too Much. He's A Touche Bag.

When I Am Given A Multiple Choice Test I Choose Not To Take It.

Multiple Choice

A Parade Looks Like A Bunch Of People Are Excited About Being In Traffic.

You Get Really Disillusioned, Because You Thought You Were In Love. But You Realize That You're Just Alone.

It Seems That Man's Greatest Natural Enemy Is The Target.

When There's Someone Who's Dead And Then Someone Does Something That That Person Would Not Have Liked, They Say That That Person Is Spinning In Their Grave. But I Don't Understand Why They Say That. Why Is Spinning The Way That A Corpse Shows Disapproval?

Tic Tacs Are The Maracas Of Breath Mints.

Clothing Sizes Are Weird, They Go: Small, Medium, Large And Then Extra Large, Extra Extra Large, Extra Extra Extra Large. Something Happened At Large, They Just Gave Up. They Were Like, 'i'm Not Doing Any More Adjectives; You Just Keep Putting Extras On There.' We Could Do Better Than That: Small, Medium, Large, Whoa, Easy, Slow Down, Stop It, Interesting, American.

Do You Have Any Greek In You? That Was Just A Tactful Way Of Asking If You're Pregnant. If You're Not, Then Let's Break Up.

To Remove Blood Stains From Your Conscience Try Frozen Margaritas.

I Wonder If, As A Society, We Will Ever Be Able To Call Someone A Jive Tofurkey.

I Tend To Avoid Televisions, Politics, And Places With Velvet Ropes.

If I Were Blind, I'd Wear A Blindfold All The Time.

A Lot Of People Like Lollipops. I Don't Like Lollipops. To Me, A Lollipop Is Hard Candy Plus Garbage. I Don't Need A Handle. Just Give Me The Candy.

There Is No I In Team, Unless You Count The Vertical Part Of The T.

There Is No I In Team

A Rubik's Cube Is Equal To A Drag Queen. It's Really Colorful, But I Don't Wanna Do It.

In Retrospect, Everything Is Finite, But Prospectively, There Are Infinite Possibilities. I Guess That's What Makes Life Hopeful.

I Live In New York And There Are A Lot Of Famous... Pizzerias In My Neighborhood, It's Really Hard To Find One That Isn't Famous. Which Sucks Sometimes, You Know What I Mean, Sometimes I Don't Want All That Glitz And Glamour, I Just Want Something Delicious, You Know? I Don't Need A Celebrity In My Mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza Would Be Fine.

Employee Of The Month Is A Good Example Of How Somebody Can Be Both A Winner And A Loser At The Same Time.

I Don't Think I Ever Wrote A Song. I Can Write A Lot Of Jokes, But When I Try To Write Lyrics They're The Most Direct, Non-figurative Words, Like, 'i Like You, I Like You,'... And That's It, For The Whole Song. People Would Go, 'ooh, This Guy's Dylan Or Something.' It Gives Me A Lot More Respect For Songwriters, Actually.

I Wonder How They Deal With Mice At Disney World.

After Going Through Years Of Litigation To Get Royalties Due To Him, The Guy Who Coined The Term 'happily Ever After' Lived Reasonably Well For A While.

For Me And Most Of My Friends Who Are Comedians, If You've Been Doing Comedy For A While, Your Tolerance For Things Actually Moves. I Find It Very Hard To Be Shocked, And When Other People Aggressively Take Offense To Something, I'm Sometimes Confused.

Now I Got A Time Machine At Home. It Only Goes Foreword At Regular Speed. It's Essentially A Cardboard Box And On The Outside I Wrote Time Machine In Sharpie.

I Started Being A Comedy Fan When I Was, I'm Going To Guess, Like 5 Or 6 Years Old.

Timing Is Everything. That's A Cliche. Now. If I'd Said That A Long Time Ago, I'd Have Been Original.

To Remove All Credibility From What You're Saying Try Wearing Sunglasses On Your Forehead.

There's An Old Russian Saying That Goes Some Way Or Another. I Don't Know It. I Don't Speak Russian. But Sometimes I Think About It And Wonder If It's Relevant To What I'm Going Through At The Time. Probably Not. I Mean What Do Russian Know About Hunger, Anyway?

Last Week I Lost My Temper In My Karate Class. Man, I'm Not Doing That Again Until I'm A Black Belt. Because I Can Tell You There's A Difference Between Taking Karate And Receiving Karate.

Saying, 'i'm Sorry' Is The Same As Saying, 'i Apologize.' Except At A Funeral.

I Think A Lot Of People Who Watch Tv Don't Realize When They're Watch Tv Shows And It Says 'produced By' And Producer, Producer... There Are All These Producers. What The Hell Does A Producer Do? It's Funny How Much You Have To Worry About As A Producer.

Canoe + Waterfall = I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

Don't Forget To Turn Your Clocks Back Today If You Don't Want Your Clocks To Be Set To The Right Time.

If You Are Trying To Impress A Woman, Leave Any Sort Of Show Farting Out Of The Equation.

How To Be A Bouncer: Be An Asshole; Stand Near A Door.

Suicide Is The #1 Killer Of A Person Who Is In A Boat And Happens To Be Passing Under A Bridge At The Wrong Time.

I Want To Make A Revolving Door That Says 'pull' On It, Just See How Obedient People Are.

I Didn't Play Music, Nobody In My Family Had An Instrument Or Played Music, We Didn't Even Have Any Books At My House. I Think About It And I'm Like, I Don't Know How I Climbed Out Of There.

For Me, Possibility, Progress, Growth, Those Things Are Very.. They Feel Very Good. It Doesn't Usually Come With Negativity. I Don't Really Mind Sucking At Something As Long As I'm Getting A Little Bit Better At It Along The Way.

A Dreamcatcher Works, If Your Dream Is To Be Gay.

Your Mind Is Like A Sponge, In The Sense That It Would Come In Handy When Cleaning Off A Countertop Or Something Like That.

I Don't Like Thank You Cards Because I Don't Know What Else To Say. What Do I Put On The Inside? See Front.

Batteries Are The Most Dramatic Object. Other Things Stop Working Or They Break, But Batteries... They Die.

The Difference Between A Child's Toy And An Adult Toy Is: Location, Location, Location.

The Digital Camera Is A Great Invention Because It Allows Us To Reminisce. Instantly.

I Think Cats Would Have An Even Worse Attitude If They Found Out How Stupid Their Names Were.

And My Only Rule Being If When I Wake In The Morning I'm Looking Forward To The Things That I Have To Do That Day, Then I'm On The Right Track.

Looking Forward

There's A Store In My Neighborhood Called Futon World. I Like That Name, 'futon World.' Makes Me Think Of A Magical Place That Gets Less And Less Comfortable Over Time.

Someday I Will Tell My Grandchildren That I Lived In The Era When Ok Was Abbreviated To K.

There's A Saying That Goes, 'people Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones.' Ok. How About, 'nobody Should Throw Stones'? That's Crappy Behavior. My Policy Is, 'no Stone Throwing Regardless Of Housing Situation.

I Can Tell How Lonely I Am By How Easily I'm Fooled By A Mannequin In A Store.

Don't Talk To Strangers. Sure, Unless You Want To Meet Anyone Ever.

The Sofa Is The Enemy Of Productivity.

A Lot Of Things Look Cooler In Slow Motion. Eating Isn't One Of Them.

If I Had To Pick One Artist To Tile My Bathroom I Would Go With Mc Escher.

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks.

I Don't Want To Be My Own Boss. I Want To Be My Own Colleague.

Canoe Plus Waterfall Equals I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

At The Battle Of The Bands The Loser's Always The Audience.

Halloween: The Day Each Year When Strangers Give You Even More Specific Reasons To Dislike Them Based On What They Are Wearing.

Halloween's My Favorite Holiday Because You Don't Have To Spend It With Your Family.

You Are Ten Times More Likely To Get Hit By A Car When The Driver Is Aiming For You.

I've Learned Something On The Road, Traveling Around: State Shapes. The Easier It Is To Draw The Shape Of The State, The Harder It Is To Live In That State. So, If You Live In A Regular Polygon, Get The Hell Outta There. You Gotta Move To A Squiggly Area. Culture's Attracted To Squiggles.

I Like To Use 'i Can't Believe It's Not Butter' On My Toast In The Morning, Because Sometimes When I Eat Breakfast, I Like To Be Incredulous. How Was Breakfast? Unbelievable.

When I Used To Go On The Wikipedia Page, And I Haven't Gone On The Page In A While, There Used To Be Some Guy Who Was Doing My Page And He Would Say That He Was My Cousin And I Was Going To Be Doing Projects With Him. I Don't Know Who This Person Is And I Don't Have A Cousin By This Name And This Person Keeps Saying That They're Doing Projects With Me. It's So Weird.

Artistically, I Find Jokes Really Satisfying Aesthetically, Because There's Something Great About Getting An Idea Down To A Sentence Or Two.

You Mock Those Who Blindly Follow The Majority...turn Your Attention Now To Those Who Are So Dedicated To Deviating From The Norm That They Would Gladly Cease Breathing If It Were Suggested To Them That Inhalation Was A Form Of Conformity; For They Deserve Just As Much Scrutiny And Ridicule.

The Reason You Often Get In Comedy Is Because You're Not Getting Laid.

I Like To Go To Concerts Because I Love To See My Favorite Band Through The Phone Of The Asshole Who's Standing In Front Of Me.

I Like Fruit Baskets Because It Gives You The Ability To Mail Someone A Piece Of Fruit Without Appearing Insane. Like, If Someone Just Mailed You An Apple You'd Be Like, 'huh? What The Hell Is This?' But If It's In A Fruit Basket You're Like, 'this Is Nice!'

I Was Thinking How Strange It Is That Water Is One Of The Best, Simplest Things On This Planet, And Still With A Simple Glass Of Water You Can Neutralize So Many Of The Greatest Technological Advances That We Provide. Like With My Blackberry, I Can Get In Touch With So Many People, But If I Dip It In A Small Glass Of Water I'm Completely Disconnected.

When You Have A Fat Friend There Are No See-saws, Only Catapults.

Palindromes Are The Number One Conversation Stopper, Like Party Killer, I Think I've Ever Seen.

A Lifevest Protects You From Drowning And A Bulletproof Vest Protects You From Getting Shot, And A Sweater Vest Protects You From Pretty Girls.

Bulletproof Vest

I Like Video Games, But They're Really Violent. I'd Like To Play A Video Game Where You Help The People Who Were Shot In All The Other Games. It'd Be Called 'really Busy Hospital.

Siamese Twins Are Interesting Because They Are The Only People Who Can Write A Biography And An Autobiography At The Same Time.

The Shortest Distance Between Two Idiots Is A Conga Line.

A Drunk Driver Is Very Dangerous. So Is A Drunk Backseat Driver If He's Persuasive.

Separate But Equal Is Terrible For Education But It's Perfect For Eyebrows.

It's Funny: When People Always Talk About The Importance Of Role Models, I Used To Think That Was So Exaggerated, But As I Get Older, I Start To Realize I Don't Feel That Way So Much Anymore. If You See Somebody Like You Who's Doing Something, An Older Version Of What You Are, It Does Make You Feel Like It's More Possible.

I Think Hair Gel Was Invented To Make It Easier To Identify Assholes From A Distance.

Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

When Someone Describes Themself As A Taxpayer, They're About To Be An Asshole.

It Turns Out Dentists Don't Like It Very Much When You Show Up For A Cleaning In Full Vampire Gear.

I Travel Alone So Much, And The First Thought Is To Grab The Damn Phone. In Airports, Just Look Around. Nobody Looks At Anybody, Or Even Out The Window. It's Obvious We Can't Live Without It Anymore, And As A Comic On The Road The Phone Is An Essential Tool. It's Probably Doing More Good Than Bad For Me, But It Does Make Me Sad That Those Of Us Who Grew Up Without Mobile Phones, We Know What We're Missing.

It's Not Enough To Say I'm Sorry. You Have To Also Mean It. It's The Same With Saying I'm Single.

I Like Birthdays Because We Celebrate Life With Cakes. It's So Cool. Sometimes When I See A Baby, I'm Like That Much More Cake In The World. But Then When Someone Dies, I'm Like The Cake Streak Is Over.

If I Ever Saw An Amputee Getting Hanged, I'd Probably Just Start Calling Out Letters.

Whenever I'm On My Computer, I Don't Type 'lol'. I Type 'lqtm' - Laugh Quietly To Myself. It's More Honest.

When Someone Asks You The Question 'are You Ticklish' It Doesn't Matter If You Say Yes Or No, Cause They're Going To Touch You. If Someone Asks If You're Ticklish And You Don't Want To Be Touched You Should Something Like 'i Have Diarrhea, Now Don't Touch Me Cause You'll Make It Come Out... And Yes I'm Very Ticklish'.

I Know About Woodstock Probably As Much As Your Average Person Who Is Over 30, Where I'd Know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

The Plastic Knife Is Perfect For When A Person Just Wants To Make Some Marks On His Food And Get Insanely Frustrated At The Same Time.

Swimming Is A Confusing Sport, Because Sometimes You Do It For Fun, And Other Times You Do It To Not Die. And When I'm Swimming, Sometimes I'm Not Sure Which One It Is.

If You Want To Feel Less Sexy Put Scotch Tape On Your Nipples.

Villains Fear Me Because I Am Unpredictable And Broccoli. See What I Mean?

I Am A Comedian But It's Usually Not A Compliment To Be Called A Prop Comedian But I Guess I Sometimes Use Props. And I Always Confuse Humorist With Comedian. That's Strange.

The Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack Is During A Game Of Charades.

My Family Was Fine, It's Just A Different Way Of Going About Life. Creativity Was Not Something That Was Isolated And Identified And Valued.

People Only Mention It's A Free Country If They're Doing Something Shitty.

I Thought I Would, You Know, Go To College, Get To Law School, Finish, And Then Get A Job And Work As A Lawyer, But That Proved To Be Not A Good Fit For Me.

When I Was A Kid, I Always Wanted To Live In California Because I Liked Skateboarding.

I Am Bravery. I Am Courage. I Am Valor. I Am Daring. I Am Holding A Thesaurus.

If I Have To Move Up In A Building, I Choose The Elevator Over The Escalator. Because One Time I Was Riding The Escalator And I Tripped. I Fell Down The Stairs For An Hour And A Half.

I Remember When I Used To Be Really Into Nostalgia.

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