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I Was Eating Some Candy And Looked On The Wrapper, And It Said Made From Natural And Artificial Flavors. You Could Just Say Flavors.

-Demetri Martin

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I Was Eating Some

Demetri Martin

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I Was Eating Some Candy And Looked On The Wrapper, And It Said Made From Natural And Artificial Flavors. You Could Just Say Flavors.

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I've Never Read An Article Of Clothing.

A Lifevest Protects You From Drowning And A Bulletproof Vest Protects You From Getting Shot, And A Sweater Vest Protects You From Pretty Girls.

Bulletproof Vest

Vampires Probably Don't Have Great Breath.

I Was Student Council President In High School, And Even In Law School, I Was Vice-president Of The Student Bar Association.

Love Is, And I Hope It Never Isn't.

I Think A Lot Of Stuff I Find Funny Is From Day Dreaming.

A Car Alarm Is A Way For A Car To Tell Everyone That Its Owner Is An Asshole.

Now I Got A Time Machine At Home. It Only Goes Foreword At Regular Speed. It's Essentially A Cardboard Box And On The Outside I Wrote Time Machine In Sharpie.

You Are Ten Times More Likely To Get Hit By A Car When The Driver Is Aiming For You.

If You Have A Lair Then You Are Probably Not A Good Person.

One Thing You Never Hear Is "man That Guy Is Good At Badminton".

I Like Video Games, But They're Really Violent. I'd Like To Play A Video Game Where You Help The People Who Were Shot In All The Other Games. It'd Be Called 'really Busy Hospital.

When A Dalmatian Sees A Cow He Must Be Like, 'what The Hell Happened To Him? I Am High Right Now. That Dalmatian Is Fat And Smeary.' When The Cow Sees The Dalmatian He Must Be Like, 'he Looks Amazing. I Am So Out Of Shape, This Is Ridiculous. My Tits Are On The Ground Here.

I'm In A Weird Position, Because I Like Rainbows, But I'm Not Gay. So Whenever I Go Out Wearing A Rainbow Shirt, I Have To Put "not Gay." But I'm Not Against Gays, So Under That I'll Have To Put "... But Supportive." It's Weird How One Group Of People Took Refracted Light. That's Very Greedy, Gays.

I Was In My Friends Garage, And He Had; A Kite, A Yo-yo, And A Boomerang. I Was Like "dude, You Have Abandonment Issues"

Our Times, A Brief History: As Televisions Became Flatter, People Became Rounder.

Bowling Would Be More Interesting If It Were Slightly Uphill.

It's Not The Size Of The Dog In The Fight, It's The Size Of The Dog's Owner - And The Distance You Are From Your Car.

If You Happen To Catch On Fire During The Show, Do Not Panic Or Wave Your Arms Around Or Scream Or We Wil Give Something To Panic And Wave You Arms Around And Scream About.

I Love Buster Keaton And I Love Physical Comedy When It's Done In An Emotionally Understated Way. I Just Like To Play It, And I Need The Attention.

Mosquito Bites Jesus, Receives Communion.

If I Had To Pick One Artist To Tile My Bathroom I Would Go With Mc Escher.

The Key To Life Is Balance, Especially If You Are On A Ledge.

I Think If I Pick The Right Thing To Spend My Time Doing, Then Time Moves Differently, Because I Really Can Get Fully Immersed In Things And Feel Very Alive And Challenged, But In A Good Way. I Feel A Sense Of Progress.

Cotton Candy Is The Perfect Snack For When I'm In The Mood To Eat Dry, Scratchy Fabric.

I Think They Named The Orange Before The Carrot.

Right Now Someone Out There Is Struggling And Starting To Panic Because They Can't Get Out Of A Tempurpedic Bed.

A Human Head Looks The Least Scary When It Is Attached.

I Went Into A Clothing Store, And The Lady Asked Me What Size I Was. I Said, 'actual'. I'm Not To Scale.

To Look Like You Are A Real Sports Fan, When There Is A Game On Tv Just Yell, Oh, Come On! Every Now And Then At The Tv.

I Think, At First Blush, The '60s Always Enticed Me. There's Something About The '60s, It's Not Hard To Like It.

A Pipe Is Greater Than A Bong. Because When You're Smoking A Pipe At Least It Makes You Look Like You're Thinking About Something.

I Wish My Name Started With A Comma. That Would Be So Dramatic.

I Want To Make A Revolving Door That Says 'pull' On It, Just See How Obedient People Are.

I Love Women, But I Feel Like You Can't Trust Some Of Them. Some Of Them Are Liars, You Know? Like I Was In The Park And I Met This Girl, She Was Cute And She Had A Dog. And I Went Up To Her, We Started Talking. She Told Me Her Dog's Name. Then I Said, 'does He Bite?' She Said, 'no.' And I Said, 'oh Yeah? Then How Does He Eat?' Liar.

You Can Make A Very Heavy And Kind Of Dangerous 3-way Shot Glass Out Of A Bowling Ball.

Wind Chimes Are Also Earthquake Chimes.

Sometimes I Like To Go Outside Without Even Checking The Weather First.

Sometimes If I Really Want To Get Someone's Attention, I'll Start A Sentence With Something Like, "i'm Not Racist, But..." I Say, "i'm Not Racist, But You Look Great Today." They Say, "that Wasn't Racist At All." I Said, "i Know. I Said I'm Not Racist. You Never Listen. Typical Mexican."

The Digital Camera Is A Great Invention Because It Allows Us To Reminisce. Instantly.

Use Crazy Glue And Nails To Turn A Rocking Chair Into Just A Chair That Looks Like A Rocking Chair.

I Bought A Dictionary. First Thing I Did Was, I Looked Up The Word "dictionary", And It Said "you're An Asshole".

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Being Watched, But Then I Remember That My Show Was Canceled Three Years Ago.

Usually, I Walk Around And Think About Things. When I Come Across A Thought That Makes Me Laugh, I Write It Down.

I Keep A Lighter In My Back Pocket All The Time. I'm Not A Smoker, I Just Really Like Certain Songs.

When People Show Me Pictures Of Their Kids, It's Okay. But When I Give Them A Picture Of Me, To Show To Their Kids, I'm Weird. What Kind Of One Way Street Is That?

I Was Eating Some Candy And Looked On The Wrapper, And It Said Made From Natural And Artificial Flavors. You Could Just Say Flavors.

I Think A Lot Of People Who Watch Tv Don't Realize When They're Watch Tv Shows And It Says 'produced By' And Producer, Producer... There Are All These Producers. What The Hell Does A Producer Do? It's Funny How Much You Have To Worry About As A Producer.

My Friend Has Hand Soap That Smells Like Coconut. It's Nice. Unless Your Hands Are Dirty From Coconuts.

Someday I Will Tell My Grandchildren That I Lived In The Era When Ok Was Abbreviated To K.

Brought To You By Raising Your Voice. The Next Best Thing To Being Right.

They Should Call Fishing What It Really Is... Tricking And Killing!

I Like To Go To Concerts Because I Love To See My Favorite Band Through The Phone Of The Asshole Who's Standing In Front Of Me.

I Need To Develop Some Patience - Immediately.

Drunken Behavior Will Not Be Tolerated, Except By Those Who Are Being Hilarious.

Some Of Them Relate To Farts But They Are Not Fart Jokes. They Would Just Be A Fart In The Joke But It's About Something Else.

There's A Store In My Neighborhood Called Futon World. I Like That Name, 'futon World.' Makes Me Think Of A Magical Place That Gets Less And Less Comfortable Over Time.

A Large Portion Of The Earth's Land Area Is Taken Up By Old Varsity Jackets.

I Just Know Keeping Track Of What I'm Doing And Where I'm Going Is Important To Me.

I Think Statues Are Great; They Show What Great People Would Look Like If A Bird Sh*t All Over Them.

I Always Wanted To Do A Movie, Because I Love The Movies. They Give You A Chance To Have An Intimacy With Your Audience That Is Different From Stand Up. With Movies, You Can Bring The Audience In With A Close Up, And Emote In A Different Way.

If I Make My Window Ten Days For Stand-up, The Conclusion Is That I Failed And That I'm Not Good At Stand-up. If I Make It Ten Years - If I Just Wait - The Conclusion Might Be Something Totally Different. I Think It's So Cool To Do Things In Which You Discover The Malleability Of Your Own Mind.

I Like Parties, But I Don't Like Piñatas Because The Pinata Promotes Violence Against Flamboyant Animals. Hey, There's A Donkey With Some Pizzazz. Let's Kick Its Ass.

I Think There Are So Many Little Hurdles And Impediments With Stand-up That You'd Need To Have This Insane Desire To Do It If You Didn't Have Something That Clicked Right Away.

The Reason You Often Get In Comedy Is Because You're Not Getting Laid.

Halloween's My Favorite Holiday Because You Don't Have To Spend It With Your Family.

It Would Be Interesting If Elvis Were Reincarnated As An Elvis Impersonator.

It's Thursday And It Really Feels Like A Thursday. Sometimes Things Just Work Out.

Every Fight Is A Food Fight When Youre A Cannibal.

If You Can't Tell A Spoon From A Ladle, Then You're Fat!

In America, One Sure Sign Of Success Is The Presence Of An Unnecessary Waterfall In A Person's Yard.

Artistically, I Find Jokes Really Satisfying Aesthetically, Because There's Something Great About Getting An Idea Down To A Sentence Or Two.

I Bought A Cactus. A Week Later It Died. And I Got Depressed, Because I Thought, Damn. I Am Less Nurturing Than A Desert.

I Was Making Pancakes The Other Day And A Fly Flew Into The Kitchen. And That's When I Realized That A Spatula Is A Lot Like A Fly-swatter. And A Crushed Fly Is A Lot Like A Blueberry. And A Roommate Is A Lot Like A Fly Eater.

I Have An Air Mattress. It's Great Because If Someone Tries To Suffocate Me In Bed I Can Just Poke A Hole In It And Use It To Stay Alive.

To Make A Squirrel Look Less Uptight, Put Tiny Sunglasses On It.

I Am Sometimes Referred To As Excuse Me In An Annoyed Tone Of Voice, Because Apparently I Am In The Way. I Am So Sorry. I Am Supposed To Be Some Sort Of Mind Reader, I Guess. I Am Moving Out Of The Way Now As Slowly As I Possibly Can. I Am Doing This And There's Nothing You Can Do About It.

Overheard Today In Restaurant: Can You Stop Listening To Our Conversation?

It's Funny: When People Always Talk About The Importance Of Role Models, I Used To Think That Was So Exaggerated, But As I Get Older, I Start To Realize I Don't Feel That Way So Much Anymore. If You See Somebody Like You Who's Doing Something, An Older Version Of What You Are, It Does Make You Feel Like It's More Possible.

Rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks.

Knights Would Have Probably Liked Refrigerator Magnets.

My Friend Asked Me I Ever Swam With Dolphins. I Was Like, 'yeah, Of Course. What Distance Are We Talking About From The Dolphins? Because The Last Time I Was In The Ocean, I'm Pretty Sure I Swam With Most Of Them.'

When I Dropped Out [from A Law School], Everybody Was Disappointed... But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom. Before That, I Never Realized How Much I Sought Other People's Approval. Once I Figured That Out, I Was Free To Move On And Seek The Approval Of Other People, In Comedy Clubs And Showbiz Meetings.

I Do Come Across People Who Don't Like Me, Don't Like My Comedy, Don't Think It's Funny, It's Too Cutesy, Or Whatever They Hate. And It's Like, "okay. That's Your Opinion. Somebody Liked It, So That's Good." Hopefully It Balances Out.

I Love Catching A Snapshot Of Something That Is Just About To Happen. Or Maybe Something That Just Happened, You Know. But I Like Especially That Just-before Kind Of Feeling.

Relationships, Like Eyebrows, Are Better When There Is Space Between Them.

Villains Fear Me Because I Am Unpredictable And Broccoli. See What I Mean?

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I Am Everything And I Am Nothing. I Am Just Kidding; I Am Not Everything And Nothing. That Would Be Ridiculous. I Am Just Everything.

I Can Always Tell How Stupid Someone Is By How Certain They Are About What They're Saying.

History, Like Wallpaper, Repeats Itself And Can Also Make A Room Look Old-fashioned.

A Lot Of Things Look Cooler In Slow Motion. Eating Isn't One Of Them.

I'm A Body Builder, But I Don't Use Weights. I Use Snacks. It's Kind Of A Different Building Process.

I've Heard Of Many Chocoholics, But I Ain't Never Seen No "chocohol". We Got An Epidemic, People: People Who Like Chocolate But Don't Understand Word Endings. They're Probably "over-workaholled".

When A Couch Potato Is Sliced Up And Then Deep Fried That Is Couch French Fries.

I'm Not A Lawmaker, But I Was Thinking That If You Have A Really Loud Ring Tone, Maybe You Should Be Stabbed In The Ear?

Americans Who Do Not Celebrate Independence Day: Pets.

Coffee Is Like A Bra. 3 Cups Is One Too Many.

I Like To Stand Near Atm Machines, And When Somebody Types In Their Pin Number, I Go, 'got It!' And Then I Run Away.

It's Very Easy To Turn A Toy Into An Adult Toy: Location, Location, Location.

I Never Set Out To Do A Sketch Show.

I Think It's Cool When An Ex-girlfriend Becomes An Xl Girlfriend.

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'dammit I'm Mad' Is 'dammit I'm Mad' Spelled Backwards.

Separate But Equal Is Terrible For Education But It's Perfect For Eyebrows.

If You Want To Feel Less Sexy Put Scotch Tape On Your Nipples.

One Of The Most Difficult And Ironic Murder Weapons Is The Life Jacket.

Yes, Okay, It's Cool To Be Quirky, Maybe, On The Side. Do Some Puzzles, Make Puzzles, Whatever, Learn How To Ride A Unicycle. That's Cool When It's On The Side And You Have A Plan. What Happens When You Remove The Plan? What You're Left With Is A Guy Who Likes To Do Anagrams. And Doesn't Have A Job... Sweet, That's A Catch.

I Think It Would Be Worse To Get Mauled By A Dancing Bear Than Just A Regular Bear Because You Can't Totally Blame The Dancing Bear.

To Remove Blood Stains From Your Conscience Try Frozen Margaritas.

I Feel So Fortunate To Be One Of The Lucky Ones Who Is So Grateful And Appreciative To Know Such Great Synonyms For Thankful.

I Was Watching Mtv And There Were Girls Dancing In Suspended Cages. That Would Be An Ambivalent Situation: "i'm Trapped! ...but Enjoying The Music".

I Just Found Out That I Have More Allies Than America!

I Remember When I Used To Be Really Into Nostalgia.

I Think Since I Was Kid People Told Me That They Thought I Was Funny.

I Want To Launch A Globe Into Space Just To Mess With The Astronauts.

You Can Say 'thanks,' And You Can Say 'thanks A Million' - But Any Number In Between?

Automatic Paper Towel Dispensers Are A Solution To Something That Was Never A Problem In The First Place.

Halloween: The Day Each Year When Strangers Give You Even More Specific Reasons To Dislike Them Based On What They Are Wearing.

As A Creative Person, You Want To Have A Foothold And Sense Of Progress.

I Started Being A Comedy Fan When I Was, I'm Going To Guess, Like 5 Or 6 Years Old.

To Remove All Credibility From What You're Saying Try Wearing Sunglasses On Your Forehead.

If I Think Of A Joke That's Really Dirty And I Think It's Funny I'll Try It But What I've Found Over The Years Is They Just Don't Laugh. It Doesn't Work Coming Out Of My Mouth So It's Like They Taught Me 'don't Do That. Don't Go That Way Or You'll Lose Me.'

I Used To Play Sports. Then I Realized You Can Buy Trophies. Now I Am Good At Everything.

Skiing Is My Favorite Sport, Because, That's The Only Sport That Is Actually Better To Watch The Worst The Person Is At It. "that Guy Won A Gold Medal In The Olympics" "oh Yeah, That's Cool, I Wanna Watch The Fat Guy" "come On Dude, You Can Take That Hill"

Thing To Try: If You Are Asked To Describe A Suspect To A Police Sketch Artist, Describe In Precise Detail, The Features Of The Police Sketch Artist. This Is One Of The Rare Instances Where Two People Can Do One Self-portrait.

My Friend Says Touche Way Too Much. He's A Touche Bag.

I Think Cats Would Have An Even Worse Attitude If They Found Out How Stupid Their Names Were.

You Mock Those Who Blindly Follow The Majority...turn Your Attention Now To Those Who Are So Dedicated To Deviating From The Norm That They Would Gladly Cease Breathing If It Were Suggested To Them That Inhalation Was A Form Of Conformity; For They Deserve Just As Much Scrutiny And Ridicule.

To Get Strangers To Hate You Even Faster, Crank Up The Volume On That Very Interesting Ringtone Of Yours.

The Pursuit Of Happiness: It Sure Seems To Like A Good Chase, Doesn't It?

Pursuit Of Happiness

I'm A Producer On My Show, Which Is Great, But It's Also Kind Of A Mixed Blessing Because There's So Much Responsibility. Everything Is A Decision. You Have To Worry About The Money, You Have To Worry About Daylight, Who We're Going To Cast And If This Location Doesn't Work Out, What Are We Going To Do?

Timing Is Everything. That's A Cliche. Now. If I'd Said That A Long Time Ago, I'd Have Been Original.

When I Was A Kid, I Always Wanted To Live In California Because I Liked Skateboarding.

The Shortest Feedback Loop I Can Think Of Is Doing Improvisation In Front Of An Audience.

I Don't Know If I'll Ever Be A Master At Anything, But I Think That's A Mistake For Me Personally. I Don't Know How Much It's About The Journey, But It's More About The Process.

The Earth Without Art Is Just Eh.

There Is A Small, But Important, Difference Between Peeing In The Pool, And Peeing Into The Pool.

Conclusions Are Based In Time. We Live In Time. So Any Definition Of Success Is Bound Up With Time. With Other Things You Can Say, "can I Yo-yo? Can I Juggle?" Usually You Have A Pretty Small Window In Which To Get Your Answer. Stand-up Is Different. You Can't Do Stand-up For One Night And Say, "am I A Funny Stand-up Comedian?" In Two Months Or Two Years You'll Start To Realize It.

I Have A Jar At Home, And I Put Pennies In It Whenever I Curse. The Other Day I Spilled The Jar. I Owe It About $25.

When I Was In High School I Experimented Sexually. The Experiment Was To Never Have Sex With Anybody No Matter How Hard I Tried. Success! Hypothesis Confirmed.

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Making A Connection With A Stranger, But Then It Turns Out I'm Not. Like, I Was In A Mall, And I Saw This Lady Hitting Her Kid. So I Went Up To Her, And I Was Like, "yeah, Get Him!" She Got All Mad At Me. I Was Like, "i'm On Your Side Here."

A Know-it-all Is A Person Who Knows Everything Except For How Annoying He Is.

I Got Myself A Really Nice Nib Pen, With Like 15 Kinds Of India Ink, And Tons Of Different Nibs; I Think I Was Just Procrastinating, Like, Once I Have The Right Nib, The Book Is Just Going To Jump Right Out Of My Fingertips... But Then It Just Ended Up Looking Like The Shitty Drawings That I Usually Do.

Sometimes It Looks Like I'm Dancing, But It's Just That I Walked Into A Spider Web.

I Think That When You Get Dressed In The Morning, Sometimes You're Really Making A Decision About Your Behavior For The Day. Like If You Put On Flipflops, You're Saying: 'hope I Don't Get Chased Today.' 'be Nice To People In Sneakers.'

Hot Potato Is A Very Different Game When The People Playing Are Starving.

Why Are There Not Positive Mysteries? It's Always Who Stole The Diamond, Or Who Killed The Butler? How About... Who Made Cookies, Somebody Cleaned My Room.

I Bought A New Pair Of Pajamas With Pockets, Which Is Great, Cause Now I Don't Have To Hold Things When I Sleep.

I Didn't Play Music, Nobody In My Family Had An Instrument Or Played Music, We Didn't Even Have Any Books At My House. I Think About It And I'm Like, I Don't Know How I Climbed Out Of There.

I Don't Think I Ever Wrote A Song. I Can Write A Lot Of Jokes, But When I Try To Write Lyrics They're The Most Direct, Non-figurative Words, Like, 'i Like You, I Like You,'... And That's It, For The Whole Song. People Would Go, 'ooh, This Guy's Dylan Or Something.' It Gives Me A Lot More Respect For Songwriters, Actually.

Suicide Is The #1 Killer Of A Person Who Is In A Boat And Happens To Be Passing Under A Bridge At The Wrong Time.

I Am Bravery. I Am Courage. I Am Valor. I Am Daring. I Am Holding A Thesaurus.

Here Is A Tip For All You Young People Drinking Wine. With Pasta, Drink White Wine. With Steak, Drink Red Wine. And If You're Vegan, You're Annoying.

Surprise Parties Are Strange 'cause People Jump Up And They Yell The Word, 'surprise' At The Party. I Came Home And You Emerged From My Furniture. You Don't Have To Tell Me How To Feel. I Don't Need A Hint.

'sort Of' Is Such A Harmless Thing To Say... Sort Of. It's Just A Filler. Sort Of... It Doesn't Really Mean Anything. But After Certain Things, Sort Of Means Everything. Like... After "i Love You"... Or "you're Going To Live."

Tic Tacs Are The Maracas Of Breath Mints.

The Planets. Now Footnote, I'm Including Pluto In The Planets, Because I Think It's Terrible What They Did To Pluto. And It's Still A Planet To Me. I Grew Up With Pluto As A Planet, It Will Always Be A Planet.

At The Battle Of The Bands The Loser's Always The Audience.

I Like When People Wear A Wwjd Bracelet, Because It's Like An Example Of The First Thing Jesus Wouldn't Do, Probably.

Whenever I'm On My Computer, I Don't Type 'lol'. I Type 'lqtm' - Laugh Quietly To Myself. It's More Honest.

My Mind Says One Thing, But My Body Says Another. Thanks A Lot, Indian Food And Beer.

And As Far As Actors Go, Peter Sellers Is My All-time Favorite.

I Wanna See A Snake Eat Spaghetti.

My Plumbing Is All Screwed Up. Because It Turns Out, I Do Not Own A Garbage Disposal.

Garbage Disposal

Futon World - A Wonderful Place That Becomes Slowly Less Comfortable Over Time.

Leave No Stone Unturned In Your Quest To Disrupt A Rock Garden.

Count Your Blessings, But Not Out-loud, At The Top Of Your Lungs.

Count Your Blessings

After Going Through Years Of Litigation To Get Royalties Due To Him, The Guy Who Coined The Term 'happily Ever After' Lived Reasonably Well For A While.

I Am A Mystery Wrapped In An Enigma Wrapped In A Pita. Why The Pita? That Counts As Another Mystery.

I Think The Best Thing About Being Dumb Is That It Makes Magic A Lot Better. Where The Hell Did That Rat Come From? I Dunno, But I'm Calling The Cops Because He Just Cut That Lady In Half.

Dogs Seem More Photogenic Than Cats. In Photos Most Cats Look Like Sociopaths.

The Problem With Most People, Is That They Are Most People.

Four Agreements

I Wanna Buy A Bunch Of Hermit Crabs And Make Them Live Together.

I Bought A Clock, But The Big Hand Broke Off Of It... So I Just Added "ish" To Every Number.

There's A Saying That Goes, 'people Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones.' Ok. How About, 'nobody Should Throw Stones'? That's Crappy Behavior. My Policy Is, 'no Stone Throwing Regardless Of Housing Situation.

The Best Way To Make Somebody Feel Important Is To Try To Assassinate Them.

I Love Steven Wright. I Was In High School In The '80s, And There Was A Lot Of Stand Up On Television.

If I Could Control The Behavior Of Fat Guys I Would Make Them Ride Mopeds More Often.

If I Were Blind, I'd Wear A Blindfold All The Time.

I Love Bowling Almost As Much As I Love Not Bowling.

Canoe + Waterfall = I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

I Saw A Transvestite Wearing A T-shirt That Said 'guess'.

Multi-choice Question: My Dishwasher Is: Efficient; Hilarious.

When I Look Up At The Clouds I See So Many Animals, Mostly Sheep Who Have Lost Their Limbs And Heads.

The Other Night I Was Playing Twister With Some Amputees.

A Straw Enables You To Drink Without Using Your Wrist. A Straw Is Your Friend - Until You Lose Eye Contact With The Straw. Then It Will Betray You And Make You Look Like An Idiot.

When I Trip, I Feel Like That's The World Saying Come Here For A Second. It Just Pulls Me Closer For A Second, Yeah What Do You Want? I Just Want To Remind You That You're Uncoordinated. I'm Aware Of That, Thank You... Can I Go Now? Yeah, You Can Go, But Never Ever Try To Outrun Me. Ok, World, See You Later. Yeah, I'll See You In About 50 Years.

If You Really Think About It, Hitting The Snooze Button In The Morning Doesn't Even Make Sense. It's Like Saying, 'i Hate Getting Up In The Morning-so I Do It Over... And Over... And Over Again.'

If You Stretched The Average Person's Intestines Out From End To End, It Would Make Them Scream A Lot.

It Turns Out Dentists Don't Like It Very Much When You Show Up For A Cleaning In Full Vampire Gear.

I Saw A Sign That Said, 'watch For Children.' I Was Like, 'that Sounds Like A Fair Trade - Especially If They're Crappy Kids.'

The Boomerang Is Australia's Chief Export (and Then Import).

When I Am Holding A Water Balloon, So Many Things Look So Unnecessarily Dry.

Right Before I'm About To Talk At Length About Something I Like I Say, Get Me Started.

You Never Forget Your First Kiss. And That's What Makes It So Hard To Forgive My Uncle.

I Believe In Empathy. When Religion Provides That For People, It's The Best Thing In The World.

Earrings Are The Same As Sneezes: Two Is Okay, But Ten In A Row Is Annoying. If You Have Two Then, God Bless You.

Having A Beard Is A Good Way To Make Your Face More Susceptible To Velcro.

As A Comic, I Think I'm Very Verbally Oriented About A Lot Of The Stuff That I've Written Or Thought Up And How I Say It.

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