Background Image

...

I Think The Best Thing About Being Dumb Is That It Makes Magic A Lot Better. Where The Hell Did That Rat Come From? I Dunno, But I'm Calling The Cops Because He Just Cut That Lady In Half.

-Demetri Martin

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

I Think The Best

Demetri Martin

...

I Think The Best Thing About Being Dumb Is That It Makes Magic A Lot Better. Where The Hell Did That Rat Come From? I Dunno, But I'm Calling The Cops Because He Just Cut That Lady In Half.

Views: 8

Topic

More From Demetri Martin

I Am Everything And I Am Nothing. I Am Just Kidding; I Am Not Everything And Nothing. That Would Be Ridiculous. I Am Just Everything.

A Pipe Is Greater Than A Bong. Because When You're Smoking A Pipe At Least It Makes You Look Like You're Thinking About Something.

I Love Women, But I Feel Like You Can't Trust Some Of Them. Some Of Them Are Liars, You Know? Like I Was In The Park And I Met This Girl, She Was Cute And She Had A Dog. And I Went Up To Her, We Started Talking. She Told Me Her Dog's Name. Then I Said, 'does He Bite?' She Said, 'no.' And I Said, 'oh Yeah? Then How Does He Eat?' Liar.

Swimming Is A Confusing Sport, Because Sometimes You Do It For Fun, And Other Times You Do It To Not Die. And When I'm Swimming, Sometimes I'm Not Sure Which One It Is.

If You Happen To Catch On Fire During The Show, Do Not Panic Or Wave Your Arms Around Or Scream Or We Wil Give Something To Panic And Wave You Arms Around And Scream About.

You Can Say 'thanks,' And You Can Say 'thanks A Million' - But Any Number In Between?

Laborers Want Their Kids To Be Merchants Or Business People. Business People Want Their Kids To Be Professionals. Professionals Want Their Kids To Be Academics, Professors. Academics Want Their Kids To Be Artists. And Artists Don't Care If Their Kids Are Laborers Or Not. They Can Be Anything.

Relationships, Like Eyebrows, Are Better When There Is Space Between Them.

How Many Of You Are Creative? I Don't Know, But For Me, When You Make A Bunch Of Things Over Time And Then You Keep Them... You Forget. I Look Through My Sketchbooks And I'm An Audience For Myself.

People And Squirrels Are Very Different. Most People Will Not Argue That. But I Find That There Is One Situation In Which They're Very Similar. And That Is: When I Am Driving Towards Them In My Car. Then They're Kind Of Hard To Tell Apart - Especially If The Human Is Kind Of Hairy.

I Am The Walrus, But Not The One You're Probably Thinking Of. I Am The Other Walrus, The One Who Is Less The Walrus In The Sense Of Legendary Music And More The Walrus In The Sense Of His Tendency To To Lie Around In Places For Too Long.

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks.

When They Were Naming The Animals, Somebody Got Lazy: Anteater? What's It Doing? It's Eating Ants. Done!

It's Funny: When People Always Talk About The Importance Of Role Models, I Used To Think That Was So Exaggerated, But As I Get Older, I Start To Realize I Don't Feel That Way So Much Anymore. If You See Somebody Like You Who's Doing Something, An Older Version Of What You Are, It Does Make You Feel Like It's More Possible.

When Someone Asks You The Question 'are You Ticklish' It Doesn't Matter If You Say Yes Or No, Cause They're Going To Touch You. If Someone Asks If You're Ticklish And You Don't Want To Be Touched You Should Something Like 'i Have Diarrhea, Now Don't Touch Me Cause You'll Make It Come Out... And Yes I'm Very Ticklish'.

I Have Never Been In A Bad Mood And Near A Beach Ball At The Same Time. Causation? Correlation? Or Fate?

I Don't Like Thank You Cards Because I Don't Know What Else To Say. What Do I Put On The Inside? See Front.

When Someone Describes Themself As A Taxpayer, They're About To Be An Asshole.

Suicide Is The #1 Killer Of A Person Who Is In A Boat And Happens To Be Passing Under A Bridge At The Wrong Time.

The Chances Of Someone Who Looks Like Jesus Having Pot Raises Steadily, To A Point. If The Guy Is On A Cross You May Have The Wrong Guy.

One Of My Favorite Clothing Patterns Is Camouflage. Because When You're In The Woods It Makes You Blend In. But When You're Not It Does Just The Opposite. It's Like, 'hey, There's An Asshole.'

Statistics Indicate That The Average American Is A Guy Named Brian Who Lives In Ohio.

I Think Since I Was Kid People Told Me That They Thought I Was Funny.

Usually My Favorite Joke Is Whichever Joke I Most Recently Came Up With That Surprised Me The First Time I Thought Of It.

The Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack Is During A Game Of Charades.

Cotton Balls Is An Example Of Something I Would Buy, But Not Want To Have As A Nickname. Cinnamon Buns, On The Other Hand, Is Something I Would Buy And Want To Have As A Nickname. 'are You Cinnamon Buns?' 'you Bet Your Sweet Ass I Am.'

I Ordered A Wake-up Call The Other Day. The Phone Rang And A Woman's Voice Said, 'what The Hell Are You Doing With Your Life?'

Okay, So, When I Was A Kid, Definitely The Drawings And The Illustration. Then I Stopped In Sixth Grade Or So. And Then I Started Again When I Was In My Twenties. I Really Didn't Progress Since Then, So The Way I Draw Is The Way I Drew In Sixth Grade.

I Believe In Empathy. When Religion Provides That For People, It's The Best Thing In The World.

I Wanna Make A Jigsaw Puzzle That's 40,000 Pieces. And When You Finish It, It Says 'go Outside.'

When I Dropped Out [from A Law School], Everybody Was Disappointed... But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom. Before That, I Never Realized How Much I Sought Other People's Approval. Once I Figured That Out, I Was Free To Move On And Seek The Approval Of Other People, In Comedy Clubs And Showbiz Meetings.

They Should Call Fishing What It Really Is... Tricking And Killing!

It Would Be Interesting If Elvis Were Reincarnated As An Elvis Impersonator.

I Never Give Anyone Just One Congratulation. Congratulations Are Always Plural. They Are Similar To Grapes.

Congratulations

I Went Into A Clothing Store, And The Lady Asked Me What Size I Was. I Said, 'actual'. I'm Not To Scale.

100% Of The People Who Give 110% Do Not Understand Math.

To Some I Am Known As Chief. And These Are Usually People Who Work In Radio Shack Or Try To Sell Me Shoes. To Others I Am Known As Buddy. These Are People Who Dwell In Bars And Wonder If I’ve Got A Problem Or What It Is That I Am “looking At.” And To Still Others, Who Are In That Same Bar, Standing Just Off To The Side, I Am “get Him!"

I Love Bowling Almost As Much As I Love Not Bowling.

I Think A Bad Place For A Fire Would Be The Factory Where They Make Those Trick Candles.

Siamese Twins Are Interesting Because They Are The Only People Who Can Write A Biography And An Autobiography At The Same Time.

You Know What's The Greatest Part Of Anything Ever In The History Of Everything? Exaggeration. No, Wait; It's Correcting Yourself. No, Better Yet, It's Making Lists.

Having A Beard Is A Good Way To Make Your Face More Susceptible To Velcro.

There's A Saying That Goes, 'people Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones.' Ok. How About, 'nobody Should Throw Stones'? That's Crappy Behavior. My Policy Is, 'no Stone Throwing Regardless Of Housing Situation.

Nothing Wise Was Ever Printed Upon An Apron.

I Went Whale Watching Once. It Was Very Similar To Watching People On A Boat Become Disappointed.

I Got Myself A Really Nice Nib Pen, With Like 15 Kinds Of India Ink, And Tons Of Different Nibs; I Think I Was Just Procrastinating, Like, Once I Have The Right Nib, The Book Is Just Going To Jump Right Out Of My Fingertips... But Then It Just Ended Up Looking Like The Shitty Drawings That I Usually Do.

I've Met A Few People Who Were Passive-aggressive, But I've Never Met Anyone Who Was Aggressive-passive. I Don't Want Tacos! Maybe.

Rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks.

I Like Stand-up. But I'd Also Like A Family And House And A Yard. I Want To Work With A Lot Of People, Have Colleagues; And On Good Film Sets, There's People There That Work With The Same People For Years And Years. I Love That Collaborative Spirit In That Medium. Comedy Is A Lot More Solitary.

I Was Student Council President In High School, And Even In Law School, I Was Vice-president Of The Student Bar Association.

If You Want To Dry Hump Someone You Don't Know, Just Act Like They Were Choking.

Game, Set, Match Equals Tennis. Set, Match, Run Equals Arson.

I've Often Liked A Girl, Made Her Laugh, And Thought She Liked Me, And Then Found Out That She Didn't Like Me That Way. I've Definitely Done Time In The Friend Zone.

There Is Probably More Invisible Tape Out There Than We Realize.

I Used To Play Sports. Then I Realized You Can Buy Trophies. Now I Am Good At Everything.

I'm Always Excited To Try Something I Haven't Done.

A Lot Of Things Look Cooler In Slow Motion. Eating Isn't One Of Them.

It's Thursday And It Really Feels Like A Thursday. Sometimes Things Just Work Out.

I Know About Woodstock Probably As Much As Your Average Person Who Is Over 30, Where I'd Know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I Bought A Cactus. A Week Later It Died. And I Got Depressed, Because I Thought, Damn. I Am Less Nurturing Than A Desert.

A Squirrel Is The Same As A Can, When There's A Bb Gun In My Hand. Can't You See That I Am Just A Man? With Distinctions... And Comparisons.

Most Stick People Are Black.

I'm A Body Builder, But I Don't Use Weights. I Use Snacks. It's Kind Of A Different Building Process.

I Think If I Pick The Right Thing To Spend My Time Doing, Then Time Moves Differently, Because I Really Can Get Fully Immersed In Things And Feel Very Alive And Challenged, But In A Good Way. I Feel A Sense Of Progress.

Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

A Large Portion Of The Earth's Land Area Is Taken Up By Old Varsity Jackets.

I Like Birthdays. Every Time Someone Is Born, That's Just Like Bringing More Cake Into The World.

After Going Through Years Of Litigation To Get Royalties Due To Him, The Guy Who Coined The Term 'happily Ever After' Lived Reasonably Well For A While.

The Pursuit Of Happiness: It Sure Seems To Like A Good Chase, Doesn't It?

Pursuit Of Happiness

I Love Buster Keaton And I Love Physical Comedy When It's Done In An Emotionally Understated Way. I Just Like To Play It, And I Need The Attention.

Everything I Ever Learned I Was Told By Someone Else.

There's A Store In My Neighborhood Called Futon World. I Like That Name, 'futon World.' Makes Me Think Of A Magical Place That Gets Less And Less Comfortable Over Time.

I Noticed That There Are No B Batteries. I Think That's To Avoid Confusion, Cause If There Were You Wouldn't Know If Someone Was Stuttering. 'yes, Hello I'd Like Some B-batteries.' 'what Kind?' 'b-batteries.' 'what Kind?' 'b-batteries!' And D-batteries That's Hard For Foreigners. 'yes, I Would Like De Batteries.'

When There's Someone Who's Dead And Then Someone Does Something That That Person Would Not Have Liked, They Say That That Person Is Spinning In Their Grave. But I Don't Understand Why They Say That. Why Is Spinning The Way That A Corpse Shows Disapproval?

Yes, Okay, It's Cool To Be Quirky, Maybe, On The Side. Do Some Puzzles, Make Puzzles, Whatever, Learn How To Ride A Unicycle. That's Cool When It's On The Side And You Have A Plan. What Happens When You Remove The Plan? What You're Left With Is A Guy Who Likes To Do Anagrams. And Doesn't Have A Job... Sweet, That's A Catch.

I'm Afraid Of Sharks - But Only In A Water Situation.

I'm Not A Lawmaker, But I Was Thinking That If You Have A Really Loud Ring Tone, Maybe You Should Be Stabbed In The Ear?

It's Hard To Know What's Gay In Life. Boxing. That's Two Men Fighting Over A Belt.

Have A Great Day. Note: Does Not Apply To My Enemies.

Have A Great Day

I Like People, For A Little While.

I Call It 'new Forms'. When You're Starting Out, They Ask You To Do Four Or Five Minute Sets, But Once You're A Headliner, You Do Like 90 Minutes. I Try To Think Of Different Things To Divvy Up The Show, Like Doing Drawings, Playing Music... I Gotta Carry The Show, That's The Problem.

I Wanna Design A Video Game Where You'd Have To Take Care Of All The People Shot In All The Other Video Games.

My Original Goal Was Just To Do Stand-up But Then I Became Interested In Films - Writing A Film, Shooting One Someday, And Getting To Act In Them.

Sometimes If I Really Want To Get Someone's Attention, I'll Start A Sentence With Something Like, "i'm Not Racist, But..." I Say, "i'm Not Racist, But You Look Great Today." They Say, "that Wasn't Racist At All." I Said, "i Know. I Said I'm Not Racist. You Never Listen. Typical Mexican."

Parades Are Man's Attempt To Make Traffic Exciting.

Canoe Plus Waterfall Equals I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

I Think It's Interesting That Cologne Rhymes With Alone.

But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom.

I Just Listen To So Much Music That I Like The Role Music Can Play In Scoring Something. I'm Not Doing Song Parodies Or Funny Songs, I'm Just Adding Some Music To My Words. So It's Limited And Specific, But As A Performer I Find It Pretty Enjoyable.

One Thing You Never Hear Is "man That Guy Is Good At Badminton".

Don't Talk To Strangers. Sure, Unless You Want To Meet Anyone Ever.

Someday I Will Tell My Grandchildren That I Lived In The Era When Ok Was Abbreviated To K.

People Only Mention It's A Free Country If They're Doing Something Shitty.

I Like To Go To Concerts Because I Love To See My Favorite Band Through The Phone Of The Asshole Who's Standing In Front Of Me.

I Saw A Dog Wearing A Sweater And I Thought That Looked Ridiculous 'cause Dogs Don't Have Arms. If You're Going To Put Clothes On The Dog, You Should Put Two Pairs Of Pants On It.

Whenever I Investigate A Smell, I Find That The Answer Is Always Bad. It's Never: 'what Is That? *sniff* Muffins!'

It's Always Helpful To Remember That In The Grand Scheme Of Things You Are Much More Important Than... Um, Wait, Than... Something, Maybe.

There Are Jokes I Know I Want To Tell, And There's Sort Of A Rough Order, But Usually I Try To Change It Up Every Show, To Improvise And Talk With The Audience. I Think When You Tell Jokes, If You're Not Careful, You Can End Up Telling The Whole List Of Jokes And Then That's It. And That Can Get A Little Boring.

I Think They Should Put Pies On The Fronts Of Trains, So That When They Hit Something It's At Least A Little Bit Funny.

Separate But Equal Is Terrible For Education But It's Perfect For Eyebrows.

I Like Birthdays Because We Celebrate Life With Cakes. It's So Cool. Sometimes When I See A Baby, I'm Like That Much More Cake In The World. But Then When Someone Dies, I'm Like The Cake Streak Is Over.

My Family Was Fine, It's Just A Different Way Of Going About Life. Creativity Was Not Something That Was Isolated And Identified And Valued.

A Jerk On A Motorcycle Is Equal To A Leaf, Because I Find It Beautiful When These Things Fall.

I Think It Would Be Frustrating To Be A Match Maker. "what Do You Do?" "i'm A Match Maker" "aw, That's Really Romantic" "no, Umm... I Actually... Never Mind"

When I Stub My Toe It's Like I Pressed A Button That Plays All The Curse Words I Know.

Americans Who Do Not Celebrate Independence Day: Pets.

A Human Head Looks The Least Scary When It Is Attached.

If You Have A Lair Then You Are Probably Not A Good Person.

I Am A Comedian But It's Usually Not A Compliment To Be Called A Prop Comedian But I Guess I Sometimes Use Props. And I Always Confuse Humorist With Comedian. That's Strange.

Mosquito Bites Jesus, Receives Communion.

When Someone Shows You A Picture Of Their Kids What They Don't Want To Hear Is Oh, Yeah, I Got Pictures Of Your Kid Too.

When They Were Naming Vitamins They Must Have Thought There Were Going To Be Way More Vitamins Than There Ended Up Being. Ok Let's Name These: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... Ok Man Slow Down We've Got A Lot To Cover Here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then They Got To E And They Were Like 'we're Pretty Much Done. We've Got All Those Damn B's. This Is Embarrassing. Let's Just Skip To K And Get The Hell Out Of Here.

As A Creative Person, You Want To Have A Foothold And Sense Of Progress.

They Say It's Lonely At The Top. It Must Be Even Lonelier At The Tippy Top.

Lonely At The Top

Villains Fear Me Because I Am Unpredictable And Broccoli. See What I Mean?

Man Is The Most Powerful Creature On The Planet. And We're Arrogant. I Mean, People Own Birds. It's Like, There's A Creature With The Gift Of Flight. I Want It. I'm Going To Put It In My Kitchen And Make It Crap On Old Information.

Right Now Someone Out There Is Struggling And Starting To Panic Because They Can't Get Out Of A Tempurpedic Bed.

I Am A Mystery Wrapped In An Enigma Wrapped In A Pita. Why The Pita? That Counts As Another Mystery.

They Say That Structure Is Freedom, And In A Sense It Is. When You're Dealing With Multiple Constraints, You Have To Figure Out What You Can Get Out Of That.

If I Ever Saw An Amputee Getting Hanged, I'd Probably Just Start Calling Out Letters.

It's Not The Size Of The Dog In The Fight, It's The Size Of The Dog's Owner - And The Distance You Are From Your Car.

I Didn't Do Improv In College, I Never Performed, I Didn't Do Theater Either. I Was In Student Government, I Was A History Major.

I Have Fun Acting, And I Want To Do More Of It, And I Want To Direct My Own Movie.

Regarding The Marching Band: How Much More Interesting It Would Be To See A Creeping Band.

I Want To Commit A Crime During A Reenactment, And Turn It Into An Enactment.

I Set A Personal Record On Christmas. I Got My Shopping Done Three Weeks Ahead Of Time. I Had All The Presents Back At My Apartment, I Was Halfway Through Wrapping Them, And I Realized, 'damn, I Used The Wrong Wrapping Paper.' The Paper I Used Said, 'happy Birthday.' I Didn't Want To Waste It, So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

It Is Interesting That The Black Bmw Is The Preferred Car Of So Many Assholes.

It Is Impossible For A Cyclops To Wink.

Whenever I Throw Caution To The Wind I Make Sure I'm Facing The Right Way So That It Doesn't Blow Back And Hit Me In My Face.

The Comedians I Liked Were Bill Cosby And Steven Wright, Like Just Always As A Comedic Actor. I Always Liked Gary Larson, Who's Really Funny For A Cartoonist, Obviously.

I Bought A Dictionary. First Thing I Did Was, I Looked Up The Word "dictionary", And It Said "you're An Asshole".

A Couple Weeks Ago I Was On The Street And I Saw An Ugly Pregnant Lady, And I Just Thought, 'good For You.'

If I Had A Bookstore I Would Make All The Mystery Novels Hard To Find.

I Never Went Bungee Jumping. The Closest I Did Was I Was Born.

I've Learned Something On The Road, Traveling Around: State Shapes. The Easier It Is To Draw The Shape Of The State, The Harder It Is To Live In That State. So, If You Live In A Regular Polygon, Get The Hell Outta There. You Gotta Move To A Squiggly Area. Culture's Attracted To Squiggles.

Dogs Seem More Photogenic Than Cats. In Photos Most Cats Look Like Sociopaths.

Sometimes I See A Bird Fly By And I Feel Jealous. But Then Other Times I See A Bird Fly Into A Closed Window And I Feel Laughing.

I Think The Most Annoying Language Is A Tie Between All The Ones I Don't Know How To Speak.

I've Heard Of Many Chocoholics, But I Ain't Never Seen No "chocohol". We Got An Epidemic, People: People Who Like Chocolate But Don't Understand Word Endings. They're Probably "over-workaholled".

I Like Fruit Baskets Because It Gives You The Ability To Mail Someone A Piece Of Fruit Without Appearing Insane. Like, If Someone Just Mailed You An Apple You'd Be Like, 'huh? What The Hell Is This?' But If It's In A Fruit Basket You're Like, 'this Is Nice!'

For Me And Most Of My Friends Who Are Comedians, If You've Been Doing Comedy For A While, Your Tolerance For Things Actually Moves. I Find It Very Hard To Be Shocked, And When Other People Aggressively Take Offense To Something, I'm Sometimes Confused.

I Like Parties, But I Don't Like Piñatas Because The Pinata Promotes Violence Against Flamboyant Animals. Hey, There's A Donkey With Some Pizzazz. Let's Kick Its Ass.

I Am A Ceiling Fan, Especially During Rain.

I Like "rock, Paper, Scissors Two-thirds." You Know. "rock Breaks Scissors." "these Scissors Are Bent. They're Destroyed. I Can't Cut Stuff. So I Lose." "scissors Cuts Paper." "these Are Strips. This Is Not Even Paper. It's Gonna Take Me Forever To Put This Back Together." "paper Covers Rock." "rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks." There Should Be "rock, Dynamite With A Cutable Wick, Scissors."

There Is A Small, But Important, Difference Between Peeing In The Pool, And Peeing Into The Pool.

For Me, Possibility, Progress, Growth, Those Things Are Very.. They Feel Very Good. It Doesn't Usually Come With Negativity. I Don't Really Mind Sucking At Something As Long As I'm Getting A Little Bit Better At It Along The Way.

I Saw A Door That Said Exit Only. So I Entered Through It And Went Up To The Guy Working There And Said "i Have Good News. You Have Severely Underestimated That Door Over There. By Like A Hundred Percent."

I Like Video Games, But They Are Very Violent. I Want To Create A Video Game In Which You Have To Help All The Characters Who Have Died In The Other Games. 'hey, Man, What Are You Playing?' 'super Busy Hospital. Could You Leave Me Alone? I'm Performing Surgery! This Guy Got Shot In The Head, Like, 27 Times!'

Once I Started To Look I Finally Began To See.

Usually, I Walk Around And Think About Things. When I Come Across A Thought That Makes Me Laugh, I Write It Down.

I Just Started Doing This One-man Show, And I Wanted To Be Able To Score It, So I Bought A Guitar, And Got A Keyboard And Got A Harmonica. I Remember When I Started That I Didn't Understand Why A Harmonica Had Different Letters On Them.

When People Show Me Pictures Of Their Kids, It's Okay. But When I Give Them A Picture Of Me, To Show To Their Kids, I'm Weird. What Kind Of One Way Street Is That?

A Lot Of People Don't Like Bumper Stickers. I Don't Mind Bumper Stickers. To Me A Bumper Sticker Is A Shortcut. It's Like A Little Sign That Says 'hey, Let's Never Hang Out.'

A Straw Enables You To Drink Without Using Your Wrist. A Straw Is Your Friend - Until You Lose Eye Contact With The Straw. Then It Will Betray You And Make You Look Like An Idiot.

I Love Steven Wright. I Was In High School In The '80s, And There Was A Lot Of Stand Up On Television.

Some Of Them Relate To Farts But They Are Not Fart Jokes. They Would Just Be A Fart In The Joke But It's About Something Else.

Whenever I See An Autobiography For Sale In The Book Store I Just Flip To The About The Author Section. I'm Like, "done, Next!"

As A Comic, I Think I'm Very Verbally Oriented About A Lot Of The Stuff That I've Written Or Thought Up And How I Say It.

Wind Chimes Are Also Earthquake Chimes.

Count Your Blessings, But Not Out-loud, At The Top Of Your Lungs.

Count Your Blessings

If I Make My Window Ten Days For Stand-up, The Conclusion Is That I Failed And That I'm Not Good At Stand-up. If I Make It Ten Years - If I Just Wait - The Conclusion Might Be Something Totally Different. I Think It's So Cool To Do Things In Which You Discover The Malleability Of Your Own Mind.

Halloween's My Favorite Holiday Because You Don't Have To Spend It With Your Family.

Another Thing That I Like And That's Fun For Me Is To Try And Talk And Play Music At The Same Time, Because I Feel Like I'm Learning Something. There Are These Little Challenges Built Into It; It's A Way To Push Myself A Little Bit More As A Performer.

I Am Sometimes Referred To As Excuse Me In An Annoyed Tone Of Voice, Because Apparently I Am In The Way. I Am So Sorry. I Am Supposed To Be Some Sort Of Mind Reader, I Guess. I Am Moving Out Of The Way Now As Slowly As I Possibly Can. I Am Doing This And There's Nothing You Can Do About It.

I Was In My Friends Garage, And He Had; A Kite, A Yo-yo, And A Boomerang. I Was Like "dude, You Have Abandonment Issues"

I Was Thinking How Strange It Is That Water Is One Of The Best, Simplest Things On This Planet, And Still With A Simple Glass Of Water You Can Neutralize So Many Of The Greatest Technological Advances That We Provide. Like With My Blackberry, I Can Get In Touch With So Many People, But If I Dip It In A Small Glass Of Water I'm Completely Disconnected.

To Look Like You Are A Real Sports Fan, When There Is A Game On Tv Just Yell, Oh, Come On! Every Now And Then At The Tv.

To Me, Comedy Is A Game.

I Think A Lot Of Stuff I Find Funny Is From Day Dreaming.

To Remove All Credibility From What You're Saying Try Wearing Sunglasses On Your Forehead.

Do You Have Any Greek In You? That Was Just A Tactful Way Of Asking If You're Pregnant. If You're Not, Then Let's Break Up.

I Think One Of The Most Groundbreaking Inventions Of All Time Is The Jackhammer.

Never Forget Where You Came From. That's What I Think When I Walk Into A Cave.

I Like To Stand Near Atm Machines, And When Somebody Types In Their Pin Number, I Go, 'got It!' And Then I Run Away.

The Clothes Make The Man. The Children Working In Sweatshops Make The Clothes. Therefore, The Children Working In Sweatshops Make The Man.

I Think My Favorite Sound Is The Sound Of Someone Not Playing The Bongos.

The Shortest Distance Between Two Idiots Is A Conga Line.

Tic Tacs Are The Maracas Of Breath Mints.

History, Like Wallpaper, Repeats Itself And Can Also Make A Room Look Old-fashioned.

Yes" Actually Means "no" 100% Of The Time, When The Question Is "can I Give You Some Advice?

One Of The Most Difficult And Ironic Murder Weapons Is The Life Jacket.

I Bought A New Pair Of Pajamas With Pockets, Which Is Great, Cause Now I Don't Have To Hold Things When I Sleep.

For Example, I Was A White House Intern The Summer Before I Dropped Out Of Law School. Everybody Knew About It. I'd Come Home And Go To Church And Everybody Would Say, Oh, My God. Demetri, You're Working At The White House.

A Glove Is A Very Literal Looking Hand Puppet.

A Sports Bar Is A Way To Take A Bar And Fill It With Even More Annoying People Than Usual.

I Was Eating Some Candy And Looked On The Wrapper, And It Said Made From Natural And Artificial Flavors. You Could Just Say Flavors.

Multi-choice Question: My Dishwasher Is: Efficient; Hilarious.

Small Businesses Are Important, But So Are Tiny Businesses.

It's Very Easy To Turn A Toy Into An Adult Toy: Location, Location, Location.

I Am A Man. And I Am Former Baby And A Future Skeleton, And I Am A Distant Future Pile Of Dust.

When I Was In High School I Experimented Sexually. The Experiment Was To Never Have Sex With Anybody No Matter How Hard I Tried. Success! Hypothesis Confirmed.

I Wasn't Even A Big Comedy Nerd. A Lot Of The Comedians I Know - A Lot Of My Friends Are Comedians - They Knew A Lot About Comedy Growing Up.

When I Trip, I Feel Like That's The World Saying Come Here For A Second. It Just Pulls Me Closer For A Second, Yeah What Do You Want? I Just Want To Remind You That You're Uncoordinated. I'm Aware Of That, Thank You... Can I Go Now? Yeah, You Can Go, But Never Ever Try To Outrun Me. Ok, World, See You Later. Yeah, I'll See You In About 50 Years.

The Thing About Glitter Is If You Get It On You, Be Prepared To Have It On You Forever. Because Glitter Doesn't Go Away. Glitter Is The Herpes Of Craft Supplies.

The Boomerang Is Australia's Chief Export (and Then Import).

I Started Being A Comedy Fan When I Was, I'm Going To Guess, Like 5 Or 6 Years Old.

It Is Illegal To Yell “fire” In A Crowded Theater. If There Is A Fire, Please Yell Something Else Instead, Like “flames!” Or “smoke Maker!” Or “bad Hot!

A Refrigerator Is The Opposite Of A Drug Addict, Because A Refrigerator Starts In A Box And Then Moves To A House.

For Some Reason Cowboy Sounds Better Than Cowman.

Hot Potato Is A Very Different Game When The People Playing Are Starving.

Trending Author

Oswald Chambers

Maureen Johnson

Brian P. Cleary

Category