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Laborers Want Their Kids To Be Merchants Or Business People. Business People Want Their Kids To Be Professionals. Professionals Want Their Kids To Be Academics, Professors. Academics Want Their Kids To Be Artists. And Artists Don't Care If Their Kids Are Laborers Or Not. They Can Be Anything.

-Demetri Martin

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Laborers Want Their Kids

Demetri Martin

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Laborers Want Their Kids To Be Merchants Or Business People. Business People Want Their Kids To Be Professionals. Professionals Want Their Kids To Be Academics, Professors. Academics Want Their Kids To Be Artists. And Artists Don't Care If Their Kids Are Laborers Or Not. They Can Be Anything.

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Saying, 'i'm Sorry' Is The Same As Saying, 'i Apologize.' Except At A Funeral.

I Was A Good Student When I Was A Kid, And I Did Everything I Was Supposed To Do, And I Got A's.

Fire Truck With Back End On Fire Drives Really Fast In Circles.

A Lot Of People Don't Like Bumper Stickers. I Don't Mind Bumper Stickers. To Me A Bumper Sticker Is A Shortcut. It's Like A Little Sign That Says 'hey, Let's Never Hang Out.'

I Love Catching A Snapshot Of Something That Is Just About To Happen. Or Maybe Something That Just Happened, You Know. But I Like Especially That Just-before Kind Of Feeling.

I Like To Stand Near Atm Machines, And When Somebody Types In Their Pin Number, I Go, 'got It!' And Then I Run Away.

At Any Minute, I Am Four Minutes From A Poncho.

I Live In New York And There Are A Lot Of Famous... Pizzerias In My Neighborhood, It's Really Hard To Find One That Isn't Famous. Which Sucks Sometimes, You Know What I Mean, Sometimes I Don't Want All That Glitz And Glamour, I Just Want Something Delicious, You Know? I Don't Need A Celebrity In My Mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza Would Be Fine.

What's This About Rice Milk? I Didn't Even Know Rice Had Nipples!

I Think That When You Get Dressed In The Morning, Sometimes You're Really Making A Decision About Your Behavior For The Day. Like If You Put On Flipflops, You're Saying: 'hope I Don't Get Chased Today.' 'be Nice To People In Sneakers.'

I Care About Politics, But I Have A Tough Time Making Comedy Out Of It. I Was So Happy To Have A Chance To Be On The Daily Show, And I Think Jon Stewart's So Funny... But Mostly In My Own Comedy, I Care About Less Relevant Things.

I Like "rock, Paper, Scissors Two-thirds." You Know. "rock Breaks Scissors." "these Scissors Are Bent. They're Destroyed. I Can't Cut Stuff. So I Lose." "scissors Cuts Paper." "these Are Strips. This Is Not Even Paper. It's Gonna Take Me Forever To Put This Back Together." "paper Covers Rock." "rock Is Fine. No Structural Damage To Rock. Rock Can Break Through Paper At Any Point. Just Say The Word. Paper Sucks." There Should Be "rock, Dynamite With A Cutable Wick, Scissors."

You Always Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. You Never Hear About The Guy Who Was Raised By The Guy Who Was Raised By Wolves. The Problem Is, You Have A Non-wolf Imparting Wolf Teachings.

I Feel So Fortunate To Be One Of The Lucky Ones Who Is So Grateful And Appreciative To Know Such Great Synonyms For Thankful.

But What I Was Going To Say Was, I Just Figured I'm Going To Go Boldly In The Direction Of My Dreams, Say It As Thoreau Would Say, And Just See Where It Takes Me.

The Problem With Most People, Is That They Are Most People.

Four Agreements

Turtles Are Greater Than Baby Nephews, Because It's Ok To Drop A Turtle.

Artistically, I Find Jokes Really Satisfying Aesthetically, Because There's Something Great About Getting An Idea Down To A Sentence Or Two.

I Saw A Transvestite Wearing A T-shirt That Said 'guess'.

You Can Make A Very Heavy And Kind Of Dangerous 3-way Shot Glass Out Of A Bowling Ball.

Don't Forget To Turn Your Clocks Back Today If You Don't Want Your Clocks To Be Set To The Right Time.

Automatic Paper Towel Dispensers Are A Solution To Something That Was Never A Problem In The First Place.

When I Used To Go On The Wikipedia Page, And I Haven't Gone On The Page In A While, There Used To Be Some Guy Who Was Doing My Page And He Would Say That He Was My Cousin And I Was Going To Be Doing Projects With Him. I Don't Know Who This Person Is And I Don't Have A Cousin By This Name And This Person Keeps Saying That They're Doing Projects With Me. It's So Weird.

I'm Always Excited To Try Something I Haven't Done.

To Me, Comedy Is A Game.

The Key To Life Is Balance, Especially If You Are On A Ledge.

I Think Cats Would Have An Even Worse Attitude If They Found Out How Stupid Their Names Were.

I Like Birthdays Because We Celebrate Life With Cakes. It's So Cool. Sometimes When I See A Baby, I'm Like That Much More Cake In The World. But Then When Someone Dies, I'm Like The Cake Streak Is Over.

Socrates Became A Trendsetter. Other Philosophers, Including Plato And Aristotle And Gus, Quickly Followed Suit, Dropping Their Last Names Too. And, For Centuries After That There Would Be Countless Imitators Including Oltaire, Michelangelo, And, Much Later, Cher.

A Musical Is The Same As A Burlap Sack, I Would Not Want To Be In Either

There's A Store In My Neighborhood Called Futon World. I Like That Name, 'futon World.' Makes Me Think Of A Magical Place That Gets Less And Less Comfortable Over Time.

The Best Way To Make Somebody Feel Important Is To Try To Assassinate Them.

You Get Really Disillusioned, Because You Thought You Were In Love. But You Realize That You're Just Alone.

I Like People, For A Little While.

I've Met A Few People Who Were Passive-aggressive, But I've Never Met Anyone Who Was Aggressive-passive. I Don't Want Tacos! Maybe.

I Never Went Bungee Jumping. The Closest I Did Was I Was Born.

When I Trip, I Feel Like That's The World Saying Come Here For A Second. It Just Pulls Me Closer For A Second, Yeah What Do You Want? I Just Want To Remind You That You're Uncoordinated. I'm Aware Of That, Thank You... Can I Go Now? Yeah, You Can Go, But Never Ever Try To Outrun Me. Ok, World, See You Later. Yeah, I'll See You In About 50 Years.

I Like Digital Cameras, Because They Enable You To Reminisce Immediately.

As A Creative Person, You Want To Have A Foothold And Sense Of Progress.

There Are Very Few Songs About Just Liking Someone As A Friend.

I Can Move Objects With My Mind, If I Use My Hands.

I Would Like To Have Windshield Wipers That Do The Whole Windshield, Please.

Canoe Plus Waterfall Equals I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

A Rubik's Cube Is Equal To A Drag Queen. It's Really Colorful, But I Don't Wanna Do It.

I Thought I Would, You Know, Go To College, Get To Law School, Finish, And Then Get A Job And Work As A Lawyer, But That Proved To Be Not A Good Fit For Me.

Cottonballs Are An Example Of Something I'd Want To Buy, But Not Have As A Nickname.

I Want To Commit A Crime During A Reenactment, And Turn It Into An Enactment.

Whenever I Try To Spell 'banana,' I Feel Stupid Because I Don't Know When To End It.

It Seems That Two Of The Most Basic Forms Of Comedy Are Jokes And Stories. And, Of Course, They Are Not Mutually Exclusive.

Whenever I Throw Caution To The Wind I Make Sure I'm Facing The Right Way So That It Doesn't Blow Back And Hit Me In My Face.

I Bought A Cactus. A Week Later It Died. And I Got Depressed, Because I Thought, Damn. I Am Less Nurturing Than A Desert.

Your Mind Is Like A Sponge, In The Sense That It Would Come In Handy When Cleaning Off A Countertop Or Something Like That.

I Just Started Doing This One-man Show, And I Wanted To Be Able To Score It, So I Bought A Guitar, And Got A Keyboard And Got A Harmonica. I Remember When I Started That I Didn't Understand Why A Harmonica Had Different Letters On Them.

Laborers Want Their Kids To Be Merchants Or Business People. Business People Want Their Kids To Be Professionals. Professionals Want Their Kids To Be Academics, Professors. Academics Want Their Kids To Be Artists. And Artists Don't Care If Their Kids Are Laborers Or Not. They Can Be Anything.

My Favorite Fruit Is Grapes. Because With Grapes, You Always Get Another Chance. 'cause, You Know, If You Have A Crappy Apple Or A Peach, You're Stuck With That Crappy Piece Of Fruit. But If You Have A Crappy Grape, No Problem - Just Move On To The Next. 'grapes: The Fruit Of Hope.'

The Boomerang Is Australia's Chief Export (and Then Import).

Jumping Jacks Are Easier To Do Than Crawling Jacks.

Whenever I'm On My Computer, I Don't Type 'lol'. I Type 'lqtm' - Laugh Quietly To Myself. It's More Honest.

I Think, At First Blush, The '60s Always Enticed Me. There's Something About The '60s, It's Not Hard To Like It.

The Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack Is During A Game Of Charades.

A Know-it-all Is A Person Who Knows Everything Except For How Annoying He Is.

I Wanna See A Snake Eat Spaghetti.

I Love Steven Wright.

I Wonder What The Most Intelligent Thing Ever Said Was That Started With The Word 'dude.' 'dude, These Are Isotopes.' 'dude, We Removed Your Kidney. You're Gonna Be Fine.' 'dude, I Am So Stoked To Win This Nobel Prize. I Just Wanna Thank Kevin, And Turtle, And All My Homies.'

I Went Whale Watching Once. It Was Very Similar To Watching People On A Boat Become Disappointed.

There Are Two Kinds Of Jackets - Reversible, And Reversible But It's Hard To Zipper Up And It Looks Really Stupid.

A Glove Is A Very Literal Looking Hand Puppet.

I Love Having An Open Seat Next To Me On The Train. What's Even Better Is When My Seat Is Open Too Because I Just Stayed Home.

Clothing Sizes Are Weird, They Go: Small, Medium, Large And Then Extra Large, Extra Extra Large, Extra Extra Extra Large. Something Happened At Large, They Just Gave Up. They Were Like, 'i'm Not Doing Any More Adjectives; You Just Keep Putting Extras On There.' We Could Do Better Than That: Small, Medium, Large, Whoa, Easy, Slow Down, Stop It, Interesting, American.

Relationships, Like Eyebrows, Are Better When There Is Space Between Them.

Planning Trip Around The Globe, That Is In My Room.

A Parade Looks Like A Bunch Of People Are Excited About Being In Traffic.

I Love Motor Learning Because It's Very Basic And Primal. A Lot Of What I Like To Learn Correlates With The Opposite Of What Gets You Laid. I Can Ride A Unicycle And I Can Juggle. These Are Unimpressive Things To Know.

I'm In A Weird Position, Because I Like Rainbows, But I'm Not Gay. So Whenever I Go Out Wearing A Rainbow Shirt, I Have To Put "not Gay." But I'm Not Against Gays, So Under That I'll Have To Put "... But Supportive." It's Weird How One Group Of People Took Refracted Light. That's Very Greedy, Gays.

I Still Like Paper Books. Like, Book Is A Flammable Object. After You Read It, You Could Use It To Get Warm. Or It Could Become A Pile Of Napkins.

It's Weird To Make A Decision Where Everyone In Your Life Disapproves, Pretty Vocally And Directly. They Said, "you've Got One Year Left. Just Do It." I Had A Full Scholarship So I Didn't Have To Pay For It. They Asked, "why Don't You Just Get The Degree So You Can Have It?" And I Said, "you Don't Understand. I Was Trying To Figure Out What I Wanted To Do And Now I Know. I Have The Answer And It's Dumb To Waste Any More Time."

I Was Stuck In Traffic And I Looked In The Mirror And In The Car Behind Me There Was A Couple Having A Horrible Argument And Right Below Their Image It Said "objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I Just Thought, Man I Hope So Because She Was Pretty Mad.

My Policy Is 'no Stone Throwing Regardless Of Housing Situation.'

When I Am Holding A Water Balloon, So Many Things Look So Unnecessarily Dry.

I Wanna Put Stickers On Turtles... I Don't Know Why.

Reality Is A Concept That Depends Largely Upon Where You Point Your Face.

Separate But Equal Is Terrible For Education But It's Perfect For Eyebrows.

I Am A Ceiling Fan, Especially During Rain.

I Have A Time Machine At Home. It Only Goes Forward At Regular Speed

I Bought A New Pair Of Pajamas With Pockets, Which Is Great, Cause Now I Don't Have To Hold Things When I Sleep.

I Wish I Lived Next To Carnegie Hall. Then, If Someone Asked Me How To Get To My House, I Would Just Say 'practice, Practice, Practice, And Then Take A Left.'

I Don't Want To Be My Own Boss. I Want To Be My Own Colleague.

I Wasn't The Class Clown, But I Was Starting To Become The "crazy Guy" At Law School, Which Is The Guy Who Is Not So Much "crazy" As "annoying."

I Think It Would Be Cool If You Were Writing A Ransom Note On Your Computer, If The Paper Clip Popped Up And Said, 'looks Like You're Writing A Ransom Note. Need Help? You Should Use More Forceful Language, You'll Get More Money.'

There's A Saying That Goes, 'people Who Live In Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones.' Ok. How About, 'nobody Should Throw Stones'? That's Crappy Behavior. My Policy Is, 'no Stone Throwing Regardless Of Housing Situation.

Some Of Them Relate To Farts But They Are Not Fart Jokes. They Would Just Be A Fart In The Joke But It's About Something Else.

Surprise Parties Are Strange 'cause People Jump Up And They Yell The Word, 'surprise' At The Party. I Came Home And You Emerged From My Furniture. You Don't Have To Tell Me How To Feel. I Don't Need A Hint.

The Digital Camera Is A Great Invention Because It Allows Us To Reminisce. Instantly.

Conclusions Are Based In Time. We Live In Time. So Any Definition Of Success Is Bound Up With Time. With Other Things You Can Say, "can I Yo-yo? Can I Juggle?" Usually You Have A Pretty Small Window In Which To Get Your Answer. Stand-up Is Different. You Can't Do Stand-up For One Night And Say, "am I A Funny Stand-up Comedian?" In Two Months Or Two Years You'll Start To Realize It.

I Go The Gym And I Try To Run On The Treadmill And I Listen To Music But It Doesn't Motivate Me Enough. So I'm Going To Get A Recording Of A Pack Of Wolves Gaining On Me. People Would Be Like, 'why Is That Guy Crying On That Treadmill Over There?' 'i Don't Know, But He's Been Yelling, 'help' For Like 20 Minutes. He's Getting A Good Workout.

Every Fight Is A Food Fight When Youre A Cannibal.

I've Learned Something On The Road, Traveling Around: State Shapes. The Easier It Is To Draw The Shape Of The State, The Harder It Is To Live In That State. So, If You Live In A Regular Polygon, Get The Hell Outta There. You Gotta Move To A Squiggly Area. Culture's Attracted To Squiggles.

I Want To Get The Joke To Work Without Having To Put Any Words Or To Say Anything. I Just Want The Person To Look At It, And Quietly In Their Brain, They Can Just Put It Together And Say, "cool, That One Works".

It Turns Out Dentists Don't Like It Very Much When You Show Up For A Cleaning In Full Vampire Gear.

I Am A Man. And I Am Former Baby And A Future Skeleton, And I Am A Distant Future Pile Of Dust.

Earrings Are The Same As Sneezes: Two Is Okay, But Ten In A Row Is Annoying. If You Have Two Then, God Bless You.

I Believe In Empathy. When Religion Provides That For People, It's The Best Thing In The World.

Thing To Try: If You Are Asked To Describe A Suspect To A Police Sketch Artist, Describe In Precise Detail, The Features Of The Police Sketch Artist. This Is One Of The Rare Instances Where Two People Can Do One Self-portrait.

I Think It's Interesting That Cologne Rhymes With Alone.

I'm So Secretive That When Someone Asks Me, Hey, Can You Keep A Secret? I Say That's None Of Your Business.

None Of Your Business

I Saw A Dog Wearing A Sweater And I Thought That Looked Ridiculous 'cause Dogs Don't Have Arms. If You're Going To Put Clothes On The Dog, You Should Put Two Pairs Of Pants On It.

A Drunk Driver Is Very Dangerous. So Is A Drunk Backseat Driver If He's Persuasive.

To Look Like You Are A Real Sports Fan, When There Is A Game On Tv Just Yell, Oh, Come On! Every Now And Then At The Tv.

You Never Forget Your First Kiss. And That's What Makes It So Hard To Forgive My Uncle.

Leave No Stone Unturned In Your Quest To Disrupt A Rock Garden.

I Wanna Design A Video Game Where You'd Have To Take Care Of All The People Shot In All The Other Video Games.

Siamese Twins Are Interesting Because They Are The Only People Who Can Write A Biography And An Autobiography At The Same Time.

If You Are Trying To Impress A Woman, Leave Any Sort Of Show Farting Out Of The Equation.

Having A Beard Is A Good Way To Make Your Face More Susceptible To Velcro.

I Like Video Games, But They Are Very Violent. I Want To Create A Video Game In Which You Have To Help All The Characters Who Have Died In The Other Games. 'hey, Man, What Are You Playing?' 'super Busy Hospital. Could You Leave Me Alone? I'm Performing Surgery! This Guy Got Shot In The Head, Like, 27 Times!'

And As Far As Actors Go, Peter Sellers Is My All-time Favorite.

The Bird, The Bee, The Running Child Are All The Same To The Sliding Glass Door.

I Saw A Door That Said Exit Only. So I Entered Through It And Went Up To The Guy Working There And Said "i Have Good News. You Have Severely Underestimated That Door Over There. By Like A Hundred Percent."

The Easiest Time To Add Insult To Injury Is When You're Signing Somebody's Cast.

Insult To Injury

It's Not Enough To Say I'm Sorry. You Have To Also Mean It. It's The Same With Saying I'm Single.

Sometimes It Looks Like I'm Dancing, But It's Just That I Walked Into A Spider Web.

If Only Loud People Were Even Half As Interesting As They Think They Are.

If You Have A Lip Ring Try Hanging Some Tiny Keys From It. This Will Make You Look Even More Interesting.

Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

One Of The Most Difficult And Ironic Murder Weapons Is The Life Jacket.

99.99% Of All Castles In America Are Located In Fish Tanks.

I Think They Should Put Pies On The Fronts Of Trains, So That When They Hit Something It's At Least A Little Bit Funny.

If You Want To Feel Less Sexy Put Scotch Tape On Your Nipples.

I Remember When I Used To Be Really Into Nostalgia.

If You Really Think About It, Hitting The Snooze Button In The Morning Doesn't Even Make Sense. It's Like Saying, 'i Hate Getting Up In The Morning-so I Do It Over... And Over... And Over Again.'

A Car Alarm Is A Way For A Car To Tell Everyone That Its Owner Is An Asshole.

Palindromes Are The Number One Conversation Stopper, Like Party Killer, I Think I've Ever Seen.

Usually, I Walk Around And Think About Things. When I Come Across A Thought That Makes Me Laugh, I Write It Down.

The Sofa Is The Enemy Of Productivity.

I Keep A Lighter In My Back Pocket All The Time. I'm Not A Smoker, I Just Really Like Certain Songs.

A Pipe Is Greater Than A Bong. Because When You're Smoking A Pipe At Least It Makes You Look Like You're Thinking About Something.

I Am The Walrus, But Not The One You're Probably Thinking Of. I Am The Other Walrus, The One Who Is Less The Walrus In The Sense Of Legendary Music And More The Walrus In The Sense Of His Tendency To To Lie Around In Places For Too Long.

I Learned This Summer That Peeing In The Pool And Peeing Into The Pool Are Very Different Things. Location, Location, Location.

Whenever I See An Autobiography For Sale In The Book Store I Just Flip To The About The Author Section. I'm Like, "done, Next!"

When I Was A Kid, I Always Wanted To Live In California Because I Liked Skateboarding.

I Don't Know If I'll Ever Be A Master At Anything, But I Think That's A Mistake For Me Personally. I Don't Know How Much It's About The Journey, But It's More About The Process.

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Being Watched, But Then I Remember That My Show Was Canceled Three Years Ago.

When People Show Me Pictures Of Their Kids, It's Okay. But When I Give Them A Picture Of Me, To Show To Their Kids, I'm Weird. What Kind Of One Way Street Is That?

I Am A Man Of My Word… And That Word Is “unreliable.

If I Think Of A Joke That's Really Dirty And I Think It's Funny I'll Try It But What I've Found Over The Years Is They Just Don't Laugh. It Doesn't Work Coming Out Of My Mouth So It's Like They Taught Me 'don't Do That. Don't Go That Way Or You'll Lose Me.'

The Reason You Often Get In Comedy Is Because You're Not Getting Laid.

Never Forget Where You Came From. That's What I Think When I Walk Into A Cave.

It's Thursday And It Really Feels Like A Thursday. Sometimes Things Just Work Out.

It's Very Easy To Go Through Your Whole Life And Never Really Get Anything Done Or Have Any Real Meaningful Interactions Or Relationships. All Of A Sudden You're Dead, And I'm Going To Say That's Got To Be A Letdown.

I Think A Lot Of People Who Watch Tv Don't Realize When They're Watch Tv Shows And It Says 'produced By' And Producer, Producer... There Are All These Producers. What The Hell Does A Producer Do? It's Funny How Much You Have To Worry About As A Producer.

My Family Was Fine, It's Just A Different Way Of Going About Life. Creativity Was Not Something That Was Isolated And Identified And Valued.

I Didn't Do Improv In College, I Never Performed, I Didn't Do Theater Either. I Was In Student Government, I Was A History Major.

To Make A Squirrel Look Less Uptight, Put Tiny Sunglasses On It.

But Long Story Short, I Didn't Start Doing Stand-up Because I Wanted To Have A Tv Show Or Be An Actor Or Even Wanted To Write Sketch Comedy. I Got Into Stand-up Because I Love Stand-up.

After Going Through Years Of Litigation To Get Royalties Due To Him, The Guy Who Coined The Term 'happily Ever After' Lived Reasonably Well For A While.

I'd Love To Win Trophies, Be In Movies, Have A Body Of Work I'm Proud Of And Find A Way To Enjoy It Along The Way. Success Is Probably A More Of A Complicated Thing Than That.

I Just Listen To So Much Music That I Like The Role Music Can Play In Scoring Something. I'm Not Doing Song Parodies Or Funny Songs, I'm Just Adding Some Music To My Words. So It's Limited And Specific, But As A Performer I Find It Pretty Enjoyable.

The Shortest Feedback Loop I Can Think Of Is Doing Improvisation In Front Of An Audience.

The Question Is, 'how Bad At Sports Were You As A Kid?' I Grew Up Near Where They Film Jersey Shore. If You Weren't Tan, Muscular, And Book-averse, You Were A Dork And A Nerd And A Geek And Stuff. I Remember Being Into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

Drunken Behavior Will Not Be Tolerated, Except By Those Who Are Being Hilarious.

I Think It Would Be Frustrating To Be A Match Maker. "what Do You Do?" "i'm A Match Maker" "aw, That's Really Romantic" "no, Umm... I Actually... Never Mind"

If You Remove A Treehouse From A Tree, Than It's Just A Shitty House. Sometimes When I'm In A Shitty House, I Like To Imagine That It's In A Tree, Than It's Like Woah, This House Is Amazing.

Wind Chimes Are Also Earthquake Chimes.

Checkers Taught Me That A King Is A Man With Another Man On Top Of Him. But Life Taught Me That That's Actually Called A Queen.

My Friend Has Hand Soap That Smells Like Coconut. It's Nice. Unless Your Hands Are Dirty From Coconuts.

I Am Completely Attracted To The Idea Of Simplicity, Or At Least Removing Things That Seem Unnecessary When Trying To Get An Idea Out There.

When Someone Shows You A Picture Of Their Kids What They Don't Want To Hear Is Oh, Yeah, I Got Pictures Of Your Kid Too.

Knights Would Have Probably Liked Refrigerator Magnets.

I Don't Have To Kill Myself, Time Is Going To Do That.

I Hate Seeing People That Look Like You. Especially If God's Living By The Motto 'if At First You Don't Succeed.'

Love Is, And I Hope It Never Isn't.

When They Were Naming The Animals, Somebody Got Lazy: Anteater? What's It Doing? It's Eating Ants. Done!

Popcorn Is One Of The Only Situations In Which You Eat The Result Of An Explosion.

Why Are There Not Positive Mysteries? It's Always Who Stole The Diamond, Or Who Killed The Butler? How About... Who Made Cookies, Somebody Cleaned My Room.

I Set A Personal Record On Christmas. I Got My Shopping Done Three Weeks Ahead Of Time. I Had All The Presents Back At My Apartment, I Was Halfway Through Wrapping Them, And I Realized, 'damn, I Used The Wrong Wrapping Paper.' The Paper I Used Said, 'happy Birthday.' I Didn't Want To Waste It, So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

When Telling A Story About How Wasted You Were Last Night, Stop.

It's Hard To Know What's Gay In Life. Boxing. That's Two Men Fighting Over A Belt.

I Know About Woodstock Probably As Much As Your Average Person Who Is Over 30, Where I'd Know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Glitter Is The Herpes Of Craft Supplies.

I Think A Lot Of Stuff I Find Funny Is From Day Dreaming.

They Should Call Fishing What It Really Is... Tricking And Killing!

Okay, So, When I Was A Kid, Definitely The Drawings And The Illustration. Then I Stopped In Sixth Grade Or So. And Then I Started Again When I Was In My Twenties. I Really Didn't Progress Since Then, So The Way I Draw Is The Way I Drew In Sixth Grade.

My Plumbing Is All Screwed Up. Because It Turns Out, I Do Not Own A Garbage Disposal.

Garbage Disposal

I Wonder If, As A Society, We Will Ever Be Able To Call Someone A Jive Tofurkey.

I Tend To Avoid Televisions, Politics, And Places With Velvet Ropes.

A Couple Weeks Ago I Was On The Street And I Saw An Ugly Pregnant Lady, And I Just Thought, 'good For You.'

Canoe + Waterfall = I Don't Go Camping Anymore.

Halloween's My Favorite Holiday Because You Don't Have To Spend It With Your Family.

I Don't Usually Fly In First Class, But I Fart In First Class.

I Love Buster Keaton And I Love Physical Comedy When It's Done In An Emotionally Understated Way. I Just Like To Play It, And I Need The Attention.

For Me, Possibility, Progress, Growth, Those Things Are Very.. They Feel Very Good. It Doesn't Usually Come With Negativity. I Don't Really Mind Sucking At Something As Long As I'm Getting A Little Bit Better At It Along The Way.

One Thing I Learned Is That It's Never Ok To Walk Through A Cemetery Dressed As A Mummy - Even If That Was A Shortcut On The Way To The Costume Party.

A Jerk On A Motorcycle Is Equal To A Leaf, Because I Find It Beautiful When These Things Fall.

I Like To Use 'i Can't Believe It's Not Butter' On My Toast In The Morning, Because Sometimes When I Eat Breakfast, I Like To Be Incredulous. How Was Breakfast? Unbelievable.

I Need To Develop Some Patience - Immediately.

The Shortest Distance Between Two Idiots Is A Conga Line.

I Am A Mystery Wrapped In An Enigma Wrapped In A Pita. Why The Pita? That Counts As Another Mystery.

Vampires Probably Don't Have Great Breath.

I'm Not A Lawmaker, But I Was Thinking That If You Have A Really Loud Ring Tone, Maybe You Should Be Stabbed In The Ear?

I Like Stand-up. But I'd Also Like A Family And House And A Yard. I Want To Work With A Lot Of People, Have Colleagues; And On Good Film Sets, There's People There That Work With The Same People For Years And Years. I Love That Collaborative Spirit In That Medium. Comedy Is A Lot More Solitary.

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