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My Favorite Fruit Is Grapes. Because With Grapes, You Always Get Another Chance. 'cause, You Know, If You Have A Crappy Apple Or A Peach, You're Stuck With That Crappy Piece Of Fruit. But If You Have A Crappy Grape, No Problem - Just Move On To The Next. 'grapes: The Fruit Of Hope.'

-Demetri Martin

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My Favorite Fruit Is

Demetri Martin

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My Favorite Fruit Is Grapes. Because With Grapes, You Always Get Another Chance. 'cause, You Know, If You Have A Crappy Apple Or A Peach, You're Stuck With That Crappy Piece Of Fruit. But If You Have A Crappy Grape, No Problem - Just Move On To The Next. 'grapes: The Fruit Of Hope.'

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At The Battle Of The Bands The Loser's Always The Audience.

As A Comic, I Think I'm Very Verbally Oriented About A Lot Of The Stuff That I've Written Or Thought Up And How I Say It.

I Never Set Out To Do A Sketch Show.

Sometimes If I Really Want To Get Someone's Attention, I'll Start A Sentence With Something Like, "i'm Not Racist, But..." I Say, "i'm Not Racist, But You Look Great Today." They Say, "that Wasn't Racist At All." I Said, "i Know. I Said I'm Not Racist. You Never Listen. Typical Mexican."

I Like Video Games, But They Are Very Violent. I Want To Create A Video Game In Which You Have To Help All The Characters Who Have Died In The Other Games. 'hey, Man, What Are You Playing?' 'super Busy Hospital. Could You Leave Me Alone? I'm Performing Surgery! This Guy Got Shot In The Head, Like, 27 Times!'

It Would Be Nice If People Said, God Bless You Not Just When You Sneezed But Also When You Farted.

I Would Like A Ship For The Hips, Please. Ships And Hips. Hipsters To Stir With Their Hips On The Hip Ships. And, Of Course, Hips. Yeah, Hip. That's Me. I Also Like Sips. I'm A Slow Drinker. A Sipster. I'm A Sipster Hipster Comedian. Yeah, Sips. But More Hips. Hip, Hipster, Hip Star, Hiptard. Definitely.

There Are Two Kinds Of Jackets - Reversible, And Reversible But It's Hard To Zipper Up And It Looks Really Stupid.

It's Not Enough To Say I'm Sorry. You Have To Also Mean It. It's The Same With Saying I'm Single.

It Feels Like Every Day Or Two, People On Twitter And The Internet Are Outraged About Something.

It Seems That Man's Greatest Natural Enemy Is The Target.

If You Really Think About It, Hitting The Snooze Button In The Morning Doesn't Even Make Sense. It's Like Saying, 'i Hate Getting Up In The Morning-so I Do It Over... And Over... And Over Again.'

There Is A Fine Line Between A Sleepover And Just Drinking Way Too Much At Someone Else's House.

I Didn't Play Music, Nobody In My Family Had An Instrument Or Played Music, We Didn't Even Have Any Books At My House. I Think About It And I'm Like, I Don't Know How I Climbed Out Of There.

I Wrapped My Christmas Presents Early This Year, But I Used The Wrong Paper. See, The Paper I Used Said 'happy Birthday' On It. I Didn't Want To Waste It So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

Glitter Is The Herpes Of Craft Supplies.

Fire Truck With Back End On Fire Drives Really Fast In Circles.

You Can Make A Very Heavy And Kind Of Dangerous 3-way Shot Glass Out Of A Bowling Ball.

The Plastic Knife Is Perfect For When A Person Just Wants To Make Some Marks On His Food And Get Insanely Frustrated At The Same Time.

It's Always Helpful To Remember That In The Grand Scheme Of Things You Are Much More Important Than... Um, Wait, Than... Something, Maybe.

Right Now Someone Out There Is Struggling And Starting To Panic Because They Can't Get Out Of A Tempurpedic Bed.

If Only Loud People Were Even Half As Interesting As They Think They Are.

Turtles Are Greater Than Baby Nephews, Because It's Ok To Drop A Turtle.

When I Used To Go On The Wikipedia Page, And I Haven't Gone On The Page In A While, There Used To Be Some Guy Who Was Doing My Page And He Would Say That He Was My Cousin And I Was Going To Be Doing Projects With Him. I Don't Know Who This Person Is And I Don't Have A Cousin By This Name And This Person Keeps Saying That They're Doing Projects With Me. It's So Weird.

Checkers Taught Me That A King Is A Man With Another Man On Top Of Him. But Life Taught Me That That's Actually Called A Queen.

Cotton Candy Is The Perfect Snack For When I'm In The Mood To Eat Dry, Scratchy Fabric.

Sometimes Heckling Can Almost Help A Set, Because It Ratchets Up The Tension In The Room... Can Even Bring Things To A Climax.

I Wonder If There Were Any Goths In Gothic Times. They're Like: You Look Completely Appropriate. You Don't Look Stupid Or Lonely At All.

Sometimes I Like To Go Outside Without Even Checking The Weather First.

When I Was In High School I Experimented Sexually. The Experiment Was To Never Have Sex With Anybody No Matter How Hard I Tried. Success! Hypothesis Confirmed.

I Am Sometimes Referred To As Excuse Me In An Annoyed Tone Of Voice, Because Apparently I Am In The Way. I Am So Sorry. I Am Supposed To Be Some Sort Of Mind Reader, I Guess. I Am Moving Out Of The Way Now As Slowly As I Possibly Can. I Am Doing This And There's Nothing You Can Do About It.

If I Think Of A Joke That's Really Dirty And I Think It's Funny I'll Try It But What I've Found Over The Years Is They Just Don't Laugh. It Doesn't Work Coming Out Of My Mouth So It's Like They Taught Me 'don't Do That. Don't Go That Way Or You'll Lose Me.'

When I First Heard The Term 'training Bra,' I Was Freaked Out. I Was Pretty Young And I Said, 'did You Just Say Training Bra? They're Training Their Chests? I Had No Idea.' See Some Lady, Her Boobs Are Everywhere. 'what's Her Deal?' Those Are Untrained Titties.

Earrings Are The Same As Sneezes: Two Is Okay, But Ten In A Row Is Annoying. If You Have Two Then, God Bless You.

I Got Into Stand Up Just To Do Stand Up Because I Love Stand Up.

If You Drink Enough Beer, Everything Turns In To A Bed.

A Know-it-all Is A Person Who Knows Everything Except For How Annoying He Is.

But What I Was Going To Say Was, I Just Figured I'm Going To Go Boldly In The Direction Of My Dreams, Say It As Thoreau Would Say, And Just See Where It Takes Me.

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Making A Connection With A Stranger, But Then It Turns Out I'm Not. Like, I Was In A Mall, And I Saw This Lady Hitting Her Kid. So I Went Up To Her, And I Was Like, "yeah, Get Him!" She Got All Mad At Me. I Was Like, "i'm On Your Side Here."

One Thing You Never Hear Is "man That Guy Is Good At Badminton".

I Still Like Paper Books. Like, Book Is A Flammable Object. After You Read It, You Could Use It To Get Warm. Or It Could Become A Pile Of Napkins.

I Keep A Lighter In My Back Pocket All The Time. I'm Not A Smoker, I Just Really Like Certain Songs.

It's Weird To Make A Decision Where Everyone In Your Life Disapproves, Pretty Vocally And Directly. They Said, "you've Got One Year Left. Just Do It." I Had A Full Scholarship So I Didn't Have To Pay For It. They Asked, "why Don't You Just Get The Degree So You Can Have It?" And I Said, "you Don't Understand. I Was Trying To Figure Out What I Wanted To Do And Now I Know. I Have The Answer And It's Dumb To Waste Any More Time."

To Remove Blood Stains From Your Conscience Try Frozen Margaritas.

I Think A Bad Place For A Fire Would Be The Factory Where They Make Those Trick Candles.

Skiing Is My Favorite Sport, Because, That's The Only Sport That Is Actually Better To Watch The Worst The Person Is At It. "that Guy Won A Gold Medal In The Olympics" "oh Yeah, That's Cool, I Wanna Watch The Fat Guy" "come On Dude, You Can Take That Hill"

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The Bird, The Bee, The Running Child Are All The Same To The Sliding Glass Door.

To Me, Comedy Is A Game.

I Have Fun Acting, And I Want To Do More Of It, And I Want To Direct My Own Movie.

I Bought A Cactus. A Week Later It Died. And I Got Depressed, Because I Thought, Damn. I Am Less Nurturing Than A Desert.

A Dreamcatcher Works, If Your Dream Is To Be Gay.

And My Only Rule Being If When I Wake In The Morning I'm Looking Forward To The Things That I Have To Do That Day, Then I'm On The Right Track.

Looking Forward

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Multi-choice Question: My Dishwasher Is: Efficient; Hilarious.

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My Policy Is 'no Stone Throwing Regardless Of Housing Situation.'

The Other Night I Was Playing Twister With Some Amputees.

I Am Everything And I Am Nothing. I Am Just Kidding; I Am Not Everything And Nothing. That Would Be Ridiculous. I Am Just Everything.

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My Plumbing Is All Screwed Up. Because It Turns Out, I Do Not Own A Garbage Disposal.

Garbage Disposal

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I Can Move Objects With My Mind, If I Use My Hands.

Right Before I'm About To Talk At Length About Something I Like I Say, Get Me Started.

I Wanna Buy A Bunch Of Hermit Crabs And Make Them Live Together.

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The Sofa Is The Enemy Of Productivity.

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Easy Way To Make Someone Sound Less Powerful, Just Put Dj In Front Of Their Name... ..dj Abraham Lincoln

It Is Interesting That The Black Bmw Is The Preferred Car Of So Many Assholes.

A Parade Looks Like A Bunch Of People Are Excited About Being In Traffic.

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I Like Stand-up. But I'd Also Like A Family And House And A Yard. I Want To Work With A Lot Of People, Have Colleagues; And On Good Film Sets, There's People There That Work With The Same People For Years And Years. I Love That Collaborative Spirit In That Medium. Comedy Is A Lot More Solitary.

I Think A Lot Of People Who Watch Tv Don't Realize When They're Watch Tv Shows And It Says 'produced By' And Producer, Producer... There Are All These Producers. What The Hell Does A Producer Do? It's Funny How Much You Have To Worry About As A Producer.

Conclusions Are Based In Time. We Live In Time. So Any Definition Of Success Is Bound Up With Time. With Other Things You Can Say, "can I Yo-yo? Can I Juggle?" Usually You Have A Pretty Small Window In Which To Get Your Answer. Stand-up Is Different. You Can't Do Stand-up For One Night And Say, "am I A Funny Stand-up Comedian?" In Two Months Or Two Years You'll Start To Realize It.

I Got Some New Pajamas With Pockets In 'em. Which Is Great, Because Before That, I Used To Have To Hold Stuff When I Slept. But Now I'm Like, 'where's My Planner? There It Is. "keep Sleeping." All Right, Perfect.'

I Went To Law School. I Found It Interesting For The First Three Weeks.

Clothing Sizes Are Weird, They Go: Small, Medium, Large And Then Extra Large, Extra Extra Large, Extra Extra Extra Large. Something Happened At Large, They Just Gave Up. They Were Like, 'i'm Not Doing Any More Adjectives; You Just Keep Putting Extras On There.' We Could Do Better Than That: Small, Medium, Large, Whoa, Easy, Slow Down, Stop It, Interesting, American.

Never Be Less Interesting Than Your Refrigerator Magnets.

I Set A Personal Record On Christmas. I Got My Shopping Done Three Weeks Ahead Of Time. I Had All The Presents Back At My Apartment, I Was Halfway Through Wrapping Them, And I Realized, 'damn, I Used The Wrong Wrapping Paper.' The Paper I Used Said, 'happy Birthday.' I Didn't Want To Waste It, So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

I Love Having An Open Seat Next To Me On The Train. What's Even Better Is When My Seat Is Open Too Because I Just Stayed Home.

I Am A Mystery Wrapped In An Enigma Wrapped In A Pita. Why The Pita? That Counts As Another Mystery.

You Never Forget Your First Kiss. And That's What Makes It So Hard To Forgive My Uncle.

History, Like Wallpaper, Repeats Itself And Can Also Make A Room Look Old-fashioned.

Don't Talk To Strangers. Sure, Unless You Want To Meet Anyone Ever.

My Original Goal Was Just To Do Stand-up But Then I Became Interested In Films - Writing A Film, Shooting One Someday, And Getting To Act In Them.

A Sports Bar Is A Way To Take A Bar And Fill It With Even More Annoying People Than Usual.

If I Had A Bookstore I Would Make All The Mystery Novels Hard To Find.

It Is Illegal To Yell “fire” In A Crowded Theater. If There Is A Fire, Please Yell Something Else Instead, Like “flames!” Or “smoke Maker!” Or “bad Hot!

Specifically In Stand-up, I Love Jokes. I Love Short, Structured Ideas And A Punchline.

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If I Make My Window Ten Days For Stand-up, The Conclusion Is That I Failed And That I'm Not Good At Stand-up. If I Make It Ten Years - If I Just Wait - The Conclusion Might Be Something Totally Different. I Think It's So Cool To Do Things In Which You Discover The Malleability Of Your Own Mind.

A Good Name For A Gang Would Be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

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A Lot Of People Like Lollipops. I Don't Like Lollipops. To Me, A Lollipop Is Hard Candy Plus Garbage. I Don't Need A Handle. Just Give Me The Candy.

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Saying, 'i'm Sorry' Is The Same As Saying, 'i Apologize.' Except At A Funeral.

I Ordered A Wake-up Call The Other Day. The Phone Rang And A Woman's Voice Said, 'what The Hell Are You Doing With Your Life?'

The Planets. Now Footnote, I'm Including Pluto In The Planets, Because I Think It's Terrible What They Did To Pluto. And It's Still A Planet To Me. I Grew Up With Pluto As A Planet, It Will Always Be A Planet.

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At Any Minute, I Am Four Minutes From A Poncho.

I Want To Commit A Crime During A Reenactment, And Turn It Into An Enactment.

I Started Being A Comedy Fan When I Was, I'm Going To Guess, Like 5 Or 6 Years Old.

Whenever I Try To Spell 'banana,' I Feel Stupid Because I Don't Know When To End It.

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I Can Always Tell How Stupid Someone Is By How Certain They Are About What They're Saying.

Last Week I Lost My Temper In My Karate Class. Man, I'm Not Doing That Again Until I'm A Black Belt. Because I Can Tell You There's A Difference Between Taking Karate And Receiving Karate.

Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

Tic Tacs Are The Maracas Of Breath Mints.

I Wish I Lived Next To Carnegie Hall. Then, If Someone Asked Me How To Get To My House, I Would Just Say 'practice, Practice, Practice, And Then Take A Left.'

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Our Times, A Brief History: As Televisions Became Flatter, People Became Rounder.

I Learned This Summer That Peeing In The Pool And Peeing Into The Pool Are Very Different Things. Location, Location, Location.

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